two blunts and a bowl

 "maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots"

Rumi

The energy of the New Moon has me in my feelings, giving me a craving for Cherry Pie I suppose wanting to experience the feelings of relaxation and another space in happiness. I think I've been a little moody lately; I am not sure because I tend to spend a lot of time with myself and my puppy. He got high today, usually when I smoke he leaves the room; for some unknown reason he decided to stay (I think I attribute that to the Moon as well). After nearly a year I have yet to unpack and at times that makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point I don't know where to begin. As I was reading my blog I was reminded of my hopes and dreams, especially the new ones, giving them the time and space necessary to develop. I haven't thought about that strain in quite some time, I couldn't even begin to guess how many years it's been. Yet, I recall the feeling of it and the thoughts that came to mind during those moments. It was a time when life was good and I was in what I feel was my best health (mentally as well as physically). Yesterday I came across photographs that were "coincidentally" in alignment with the thoughts on my mind. In that moment I smiled. Feeling as if I can manifest a similar reality, understanding that the way my life was will not be the same as it would be now based on particular experiences which have contributed to my growth (mind, body and spirit).

At times I feel as if I pick myself apart, seeing how I know of a few areas yearning for my attention I have a slight case of anxiety in getting started. I know beginning is the first step I need to get over followed by consistency. I recall a time when I'd walk/run for five (5) miles a day, every day; I long for those days to come again so I joined a gym, although I have yet to schedule my first session the fact that I joined is a step in the right direction. I feel rested, which makes that saying "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest"; I think that's the reason I've been so reluctant to get in the gym and actually begin exercising. As Pink Floyd plays in the background I am reminded of a friend who I miss dearly, I mentioned before how his birthday was earlier this month. One of the last times I saw him, we sat in his backyard; talking, listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album while he smoked. In the silent moments we watched the stars. I stumbled across a photo of him as well, remembering moments we shared and conversations had. So many confirmations of the feeling that I've felt connected to him recently, knowing I can cherish the memories and not long for a time that is long gone. 

I've been doing that lately, letting go of longing for things to be as they were once upon a time. Understanding that I must allow space for new moments and experiences with new people as well as those currently apart of my being. I decided to pack my bowl with nothing but hash and the high combined with the vibe has sent me out of this world, I feel as if I am in my own little bubble; which reminds me of this bubble gum hash I had in 2016 (chef's kiss). That's an experience I'd like to have again, anticipating what the effects would be now that I'm in another space. I've been proud of myself lately, taking a newfound approach to various practices I can see the improvements and I am encouraged to continue. I began reading a book on "The Power of Habits" and I can see now how I've been focused on my habits for a while now, as mentioned in my last post, new dreams. Seeing how I've grown with each new responsibility and how I am handling things given my conditions, I feel at peace. In the past I would have had an anxiety or panic attack at some point, but these days I take many deep breaths and move forward; with the exception of unpacking and exercising more. I've been thinking and talking about growth a lot, I believe as the new year and a new age approaches it has that on my mind.  

I feel as if I've began searching my roots, not in the aspect of ancestry, but more like the roots of my soul. I used to be afraid of diving into the deepest parts of my self; now not so much. I figure if I began to familiarize myself with that aspect of me the branches will blossom.I am not sure my therapist understands me, or at least how to "treat" me since I am not having manic episodes. That says a lot seeing how we've been in a pandemic for too long to remember. I have got to teach myself how to roll a joint, I taught myself how to roll blunts and bowls are simple; joints have been problematic for me. Tonight seems like a time for a joint, especially since I've already have two (2) blunts and a bowl. I completed a tarot spread then brought out the Golden Ticket, one I've experienced only via cannabis oil as of late.  And just like that, I rolled my first smokeable joint. As 4am approaches and I am no closer to sleep than I was at 4pm, yesterday. The music is on random and of course Pandora is trying me with the song selection at times, but a good vibe nonetheless. I can not seem to find my crystals; while packing, I moved them at the last minute and can't remember where I put them and since I haven't fully unpacked (as mentioned earlier) I don't know where to begin looking; then I get overwhelmed again. I've meditated and asked the Universe to show me where they are and I am patiently awaiting the reveal. 

I had to switch to Tidal because Pandora was effecting my vibe. For a quick second I felt as if I had ADD; I don't know if I want to continue writing and listening to music, read or unpack and manifest discovering my crystals. I think I'll brew a cup of coffee and allow my thoughts to lead me on what to do. Before making my coffee; which I infused with cannabis oil, I read a bit from my book while listening to music. I feel energetic as if at some point of the day I'll do a bit of cleaning and unpacking. I don't know why I'm stalling when it comes to unpacking, I won't "woulda, coulda, shoulda" myself about it since that dwells on the past and there's nothing I can do to go back and do things differently. As 6am soon come I realize I may not sleep until the afternoon, if then. I began microdosing since I added the oil to my coffee as not to get so high I end up getting sleepy or tripping. The Beatles play and I am feeling all of the feelings throughout my body, reminding me to schedule a time to see my chiropractor as well as my masseuse, I feel the stress moving around causing slight discomfort. 

The thing about oil is it acts like an edible and the effects "kicks in" randomly. My dog is dreaming, and snoring; I think it's cute and it makes me happy to know his high didn't cause him a bad trip. That happens from time to time, I can tell by his behavior while he's asleep. Pink Floyd is on again, this time one of my favorite songs by them, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5)"; I don't know what it is about this song that gives me thoughts of nostalgia. Followed by "Closer" by Goapele, which makes me feel focused and optimistic for the future that I am manifesting. Times like these make me feel as if the Universe is speaking to me through the music as the lyrics are so close to what's been on my mind. My neighbors are beginning to leave for work and I feel slightly melancholy because I am not in a position to work anytime soon. I've had memories in my dreams regarding previous days at work, especially around the "anniversary" of my initial anxiety attack nearly ten (10) years ago. I see improvement on how I handled the "anniversaries" of my hire date thirteen (13) years ago and the day of the illness. I see my blessings and I am grateful for where I am today. 

I still don't feel the oil yet, at least not in a bold way, it's quite subtle. For some reason I'm feeling the indica side more than sativa, that's the thing about hybrid's, you don't really know how the effects will present themselves. As I begin to plan my day, thoughts of having a spa day or as I like to call it, a "Kamille Appreciation Day"; I decide that's a fantastic idea! Retirement is interesting; I recall being drunk at a friend's house many Moon's ago and I went on a rant about a statement claiming to have a life where "Everyday is Saturday", meaning I'd have time to run errands, relax and do whatever tasks I find for myself. In a way that's my life. With the exception of Sunday. My days of being drunk are long gone, but that statement stuck with me, the trouble I seem to have had thus far has been finding what I'm passionate about to fill the days. Today I intend to unpack a bit, rest, wash my hair and go to the gym for thirty (30) minutes to an hour. I feel balanced, yet looking forward to my therapy session on Monday; I've given a bit of thought regarding our last session and I know I have more thinking to do before the next. I have yet to finish my coffee, but I am feeling the effects of the cannabis I've had today (hash, flower and oil). I've decided to do some unpacking and allow the day to flow from there. I pray you all are well. I hope to share again in the near future; until then, be well.

Kamille 💗✨

new dreams

I had a cough for about a month or so; which contributed to my lack of expressions on the blogs and social media. I am much better now, which lets me know that it was not anything to be concerned about. Since I was monitoring my cough I choose not to smoke marijuana during that time, I noticed a difference in myself when I was "sober"; I've learned a few things about some habits I have that I need to "break", I've also learned to acknowledge my value and how I see myself. I believe during my impromptu tolerance break I took a dive into my self; I thought a bit about what my passions are and what new dreams I may have. I did notice a change in my dreams while sleeping, the day dreams have almost remained the same. I feel as if a new life is awaiting me, a life I will be happy in and find passion and joy. I also gave thought into what inspires me since what used to inspire doesn't have that effect any longer. A while ago there was a night where a peaceful rain showered my neighborhood, it was delightful. With the New Moon, I felt as if the past (up until this point) was being washed away and with the dawning of the Sun new goals and dreams were being formed. As New Moon's symbolize new beginnings I felt it divine that my tolerance break ended at this time. Then I studied a tarot spread which focuses on the New Moon in Libra and asks about harmony, balance and companionship, all areas I've been giving much thought to. The cards drawn to me were loving and "coincidentally" in alignment with my recent thoughts and feelings, especially after recognizing areas in need of work. I couldn't sleep that night, the rain was too nice and I had a lot on my mind; then inspiration came and I decided to write. 

I intended to be social last month, with a wedding and a couple gatherings scheduled; I began to feel anxiety and then I allowed it to show me what was necessary for me to deal with and move past those feelings. I allowed the anxiety to transmute into excitement, since I am happy for the people beginning a new chapter in their lives as well as the one I feel on the horizon for myself. As I drifted off to sleep I kept thinking about winning the lottery. I feel like its a sign for me to play, I think I'm waiting on the right energy to do so; I figure I'm not ready to play as long as I have doubts about winning. I'm praying for the right time and place to make my move, that way I feel as though I'd be sure to win. Aside from a few purchases for myself I'd do good with the abundance, when I finally went to sleep I had pleasant dreams about just that. I've been in my feelings a lot lately, thinking about what I want for the near future and at times I draw a blank while other times I know exactly what I'd like to happen. I feel as if it's in those moments I am manifesting my reality. I was happy to hear the differences in myself have been noticeable. Seeing how I spend a lot of time and energy on self-improvement, it's always nice when it becomes clear to others as well. I began therapy recently and I will admit it has been helping me keep myself balanced. 

As John Coltrane plays in the background I feel mellow, I attribute that to the Golden Ticket; cannabis oil I added to my coffee the past couple of days. As I dive deep into my thoughts I realize an area where I feel overwhelmed, now that I am aware of this I can find ways to alleviate the anxiety surrounding it. Today I am reminded of a friend who was so instrumental in my growth as it is his birthday; yet he isn't here to celebrate it. The past few night's I've enjoyed the Crescent Moon. I love the Moon through all of her phases, however this time the energy of the Crescent Moon hit me differently. I felt more in tuned with myself; if a new and refreshing way. It's been a while since I've shared and I will admit, it feels a bit odd as the words flow together differently from my mind to my fingers as I type them. Faced with various distractions I am glad to be able to share again, along with therapy, I find it therapeutic. I hope you all are well, I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to preparing for the New Year. I want to get more focused on my goals and dreams next year; well, beginning now throughout the New Year. I like this feeling, it feels like possibility and opportunity; as if there has been a transformation of sorts. As if I can feel my "glow up" approaching, with adding more fitness into my lifestyle and adjusting various self-care as well as dietary products. I've learned the long and hard way of crash dieting and how it does not work well for me, now that I am seeing results from the changes I've made; I am encouraged to continue. 

To be continued...

high

I haven't smoked for a little while and in as many days I've had trouble sleeping, of course I believe the two things are connected. I'm awake with random thoughts and I begin to obsess (blame OCD). As I type I am contemplating rolling up just so the night doesn't turn into morning again; I have yet to decide. As the music plays in the background I am consumed with thoughts of being in a space of relaxation that only cannabis can provide, so I begin to pull out my tools and reach for the animal mints. Once the blunts are rolled I began to zone out, actually in that space of relaxation I mentioned before.

This morning I added animal mints cannabis oil to my coffee and began my day of organizing and cooking. I then remember the nights this week where I was fortunate enough to gaze at the Moon at my leisure,  I then realize that I hadn't done my monthly check-in tarot spread. So I looked up the site where I find the questions to ask myself when pulling cards and I see the spread for the Full Moon and decide to do that one instead. The reading informed me that I am in alignment with my higher self as the cards showed confirmation of things that have been on my mind lately; regarding my hopes and dreams. 

The other night I was feeling down on myself about my capabilities to do certain things when I remembered many occasions where I thought I could not do something until I was doing it. For example: a few years ago my (2) puppies ran away, they were gone for nearly two (2) weeks. When they returned I learned my female puppy was pregnant while she was delivering her puppies, initially I was shocked and frozen; then I snapped out of my fog and began to assist as her midwife. She delivered four (4) of her puppies when I realized she wasn't giving the last puppy the same attention as she gave the others. I took her to the animal hospital where she delivered for fifth (5) puppy. Once she and her litter were examined I fainted. The hospital called the paramedic which took me to the nearest emergency room. Since you can't or perhaps shouldn't re-home puppies from their mother for at least eight (8) weeks, I had three (3) puppies of my own (I purchased another dog within that two (2) week period my puppies were gone) plus the litter of five (5); totaling eight (8) puppies. I did it successfully without any mishaps, I found pride in myself for the ability to do that. The other accomplishment is how I manifested my current living situation; I am happy.

I often find that I am more in tune with myself when I am high; I feel as if my intuitiveness is heightened and I can see things from an alternate perspective. I've been feeling great, riding the high from the oil to the blunts which obviously assisted in deciding to write an expression today. That's the thing about the strains I choose, they typically aide in my creativity, which is a wonderful thing. As I watched the Moon this week I felt an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and gratitude for all of the many blessings and answered prayers in my life. For a brief moment I had lost sight of them, thinking of how things could be had I not been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder at the height of my career. Then I thought, if I were stressed and unhappy then, had I continued on that path I'd likely still be that way. Although I've suffered plenty of losses since the onset of these illnesses I have gained peace, insightfulness and gratefulness. 

I don't think I can truly express how grateful I am for my life currently; I used to be afraid to say a thing like that because I thought if I expressed how happy I am in my life something was bound to happen to disrupt that. I now know that is no longer a part of my reality, and that train of thought serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy; since that's where I'd be sending my energy. Knowing that line of thinking is a low energy vibration and would attract misfortune to me. I now keep my thoughts on happiness, abundance and mindfulness; which leaves no energy for anything on the flip side of that. I wrote before about how I was annoyed with the outcome of a particular situation; I am happy to say I no longer feel that way. Giving much thought to it and dwelling in the energy of it was not good for my well-being so with writing, prayer and meditation I was able to overcome those emotions. Thank you to everyone who reached out while I was teetering on the brink of depression. That's one of the things about depression, if for a moment I lose myself in feelings and emotions of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" I can spiral into depression and it can take a while to recover. Something I no longer wish to experience. 

Of course the night has turned to day and I am still wide awake; I figured I'd capitalize on the newfound energy and make another drink infused with cannabis oil. I find the cannabis oil works best for me in hot beverages with (coconut) milk or a creamer; I tend to feel the effects longer and with great potency. I opted for Tidal because Pandora often triggers feelings of heartbreak or heartache if I allow it to shuffle through the station; I know it's partly to do with my energy and when it comes to thoughts other than my hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations they drift off onto a person. So I thought tonight, well today I should listen to a playlist made when I did not have them on my mind and lo and behold; it's helping. 

Today I opted for hot chocolate with my cannabis oil, I then downloaded an app and discovered a few classic movies that I usually enjoy watching so I made an impromptu decision to have a "Kamille Appreciation" Day; planning to watch movies and unwind, taking a break from my day to day. As I light the last blunt I have rolled I look up and notice it's 4:20 (am), talk about synchronicity; so I inhale and think of those dreams I mentioned above and exhale, letting go of things which no longer serve me. Including thought processes, beliefs, and such. As I sit as the music plays I find myself feeling elated that I am getting better with my tarot readings, for myself as well as others. 

I am reminded that I have yet to review my horoscope for the month as well, I don't know how I allowed the month to get away from me. Then it dawned on me, the last time I posted an expression on the blog was exactly one (1) month ago to the day. I plan to do a bit better at staying motivated and inspired to write a little more. I guess that's why I wanted to check in and say "high" since it's been so long. I hope you all are doing well and in good health (mentally, physically as well as emotionally). 

Until next time,

Kamille

truthfully

For some reason I felt like typing, this rarely happens and since that's the case I don't know what I intend to share. I was a bit social earlier today so now I need a moment with the usual suspects: music, vanilla incense, marijuana and tonight, vodka (with cranberry and a splash of lemon). I feel good; mellow and a bit in my head, thanks to animal mints I've been smoking it exclusively for about a week or two now and I am enjoying the effects, which are said to be relaxation and happiness; that feels accurate. I am beginning to feel sleepy so I'm going to call it a night and continue at a later time.

I feel a bit irritated by a particular situation and I don't know how I'm going to resolve it. The idea of closure is so far fetched and the chances of being lied to are high, I've decided not to inquire; but I'm annoyed. I feel as if things were exaggerated with out reason. I don't like feeling this way and I don't quite see a way out of it just yet. I believe the retrogrades and Full Moon in Aquarius is playing a part in the way I feel and all I can do is allow it to be felt and released. I am otherwise happy, it's just this one thing I keep obsessing about and the more I try to push it out of my mind the more I think about it.

I feel disappointed, I suppose that speaks to the expectations I had then having the rug pulled from under me; so to speak. The thing about it is, I know it's for my highest good that things worked out how they did; it's just the way it played out was hurtful. I don't know what part of me still wants to connect or hold on to this energy; perhaps an unhealed wound that is seeking my attention. As I look deeper into my last statement, I believe I've "hit the nail on the head"; I feel as if my issues with abandonment have been triggered and I do not have the appropriate therapist to dissect such a heavy block for me. I know some of the aspects of this issue however I don't know what part of my adult self is blocking my inner child from releasing this burden. I think I may need to schedule a session with my tarot advisor to see what the cards say as he interprets them. I have not been able to tackle this topic on my own, so I feel as if someone else's input may be helpful.  I thought of changing the vibe with the music, but my higher self made me aware that I can't keep pushing this issues down and out of mind. I must face whatever it is that is stifling my growth in this area.

Growth is a funny thing; once you believe you have outgrown a situation or circumstance it appears to show you areas in need of healing. I think the above mentioned situation reminded me of a deep regret that I am coming to terms with. I said "I think" when the truth is, I know that's the case. I was reminiscing on how one relationship effected the outcome of a completely separate one, as one should have flourished the other should be as it is. Yet, I can't sit here and "would've, could've, should've" myself to a low vibrational feeling or thought process. I find it difficult at times to overcome from situations that "shake me to my core"; I know on some level I wasn't fully my authentic self, at times I found myself being a bit too fond of the attention. Feeding an insecurity I have that stems from abandonment issues, I knew when I was doing it, I just couldn't stop for some odd reason. I think writing this out has helped tremendously; especially after I was feeling earlier today. On another note, I'm excited about my painting adventure scheduled for tomorrow; I think I need the creative outlet to dissipate some of this energy I have.

I read a meme earlier today which asked, "red pill or blue pill?" where with the red pill you "restart your life at the age of 10 with all the knowledge you have now" and the blue pill you "jump to age 45 years old with $50 million in the bank." I chose the red pill, although the money in the bank would be lovely; I'd rather go back in time and right some "wrongs" as well as seize some missed opportunities. That may seem dumb to some people, but the idea of reliving this life the way I've imagined it in my dreams would be heaven sent, for me. I joke with myself saying that way I can guide my inner child to avoid the pitfalls I was blindsided by growing up. I feel as if I have a slight case of amnesia, because I don't fully remember my childhood; I recall bits and pieces, but nothing that stands out more than anything. I know part of the matter with the dilemma discussed earlier and my answer to the question in the meme is all about me "living in the past" and I need to stop and be in the now. I suddenly feel the presence of Chiron; the wounded healer and I'm guessing since it is in retrograde that's why all this stuff is coming up.

I allowed Pandora to set the vibe rather than fight against the songs being played and of course the Universe is using it to purge my true feelings and emotions. I stopped to complete a tarot spread regarding the Full Moon in Aquarius and to say some things I thought were the case have been confirmed. I've changed the station several times however the messages are still coming though for me, must be the frequency. I feel like smoking, this time back to one of my favorites; golden ticket which always does what I need it to do, which is add clarity and assist with keeping me focused. Healing is thought to be a beautiful experience, but it is actually very deep and at times dark; sorting though thoughts, feelings, emotions, trauma, etc. can drive a person crazy if not done in the proper channel. I used to believe I was damaged emotionally, when my first love died; I felt as if a part of me died too. It took many years and lots of healing to overcome those feelings and thoughts, it even cost me a relationship I felt could have gone the distance. I haven't been in love many times, the thought now is so foreign to me I almost forget what it was like. I have however been infatuated more than a few times. 

This writing session has been quite therapeutic, and for a second I got a little off track. I think instead of focusing on the hurtfulness of the situation I can take the lessons learned and develop wisdom and discernment to avoid such happenings in the future. As I await dinner I allow the music to wash over me, taking me to another realm; where I've healed from what was bothering me before. I figure if I can stay in this feeling I can move forward without allowing things to hinder me or keep me unaware of this blindspot with abandonment. Eventually I'll talk to someone other than friends and my tarot advisor, but for now that's my best avenue of support. I suppose I had to feel a type of way in order for these things to come out and be cleared...

a poem I didn't write

"Don’t fall in love with a woman who reads, a woman who feels too much, a woman who writes...

Don’t fall in love with an educated, magical, delusional, crazy woman. Don’t fall in love with a woman who thinks, who knows what she knows and also knows how to fly; a woman sure of herself.

Don’t fall in love with a woman who laughs or cries making love, knows how to turn her spirit into flesh; let alone one that loves poetry (these are the most dangerous), or spends half an hour contemplating a painting and isn't able to live without music.

Don’t fall in love with a woman who is interested in politics and is rebellious and feel a huge horror from injustice. One who does not like to watch television at all. Or a woman who is beautiful no matter the features of her face or her body.

Don’t fall in love with a woman who is intense, entertaining, lucid and irreverent. Don’t wish to fall in love with a woman like that.

Because when you fall in love with a woman like that, whether she stays with you or not, whether she loves you or not, from a woman like that, you never come back.” 

~ Martha Rivera-Garrido

summer breeze

"I am the daughter of myself. I am born of my own dream. My dream sustains me."

Rosario Castellanos

I attempted to complete a tarot spread, but I felt as if my heart wasn't in it so I said I'd revisit it at a later time. I've been doing well in this heat, thankful that I'm not experiencing triple digit weather; although it's pretty close. It was a bit dramatic how the weather changed with the season, I love Summer; I don't see that changing in this lifetime, but some days; like today it would've been nice to have cooler temperatures. I did however enjoy a pool day!  I saw the above quote and thought it would be great for an expression on the blog; I am not completely sure how I interpret it. I suppose it has to do with soul contracts and such, which I don't fully believe in; or should I say I don't fully understand. However I do feel as if there's a dream which sustains me; I feel as if I was born for something, I guess that's why I'm always writing about finding my purpose. Which goes along nicely with the following quote:

"my soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of it; and I intend to end up there"

Rumi

At times this world, Earth; feels foreign to me. As if I am not from here yet I do not always know where I belong, I believe we are made up of many stars and from stardust we were formed however that's where my imagination stops. I don't usually go down that philosophical road or should I saw "down the rabbit hole" of thoughts, it can be scary or downright crazy if you follow those trains of thought too far. I did a tarot spread for the New Moon however I have yet to do my monthly "check-in"; that's the one I began earlier this month, but the cards weren't cooperating. The New Moon is believed to be from Wednesday, July 7, 2021 through Sunday, July 11, 2021; it is said to represent new beginnings as well as reflection regarding previous goals and/or projects. For the past few weeks I've seen 999 several times, when seeing this number it is supposed to mean something is coming to it's end and there are new beginnings on the horizon. I started thinking of what in my life may be completed and if I've evolved beyond certain circumstances? At this moment nothing comes to mind, but I intend to give it plenty of thought, I may even write those thoughts out in my private journal. 

That's something I've been yearning to restart, writing in my private journals; I think that's a reason why there's so much time between posts. Attempting to choose which thoughts to share verses which should be private takes a lot of time and thought.  Thankfully I have therapy often enough to talk through some of the thoughts and put them in perspective. I added some hash to my session this morning and I feel the effects opening various chakras, I feel a tingling sensation throughout my body and along my spine; the music is a vibe I enjoy and the room smells heavenly, scents of golden ticket and vanilla incense. I later added vodka with cranberry juice to the mix and I feel amazing. Seeing how today is 7/10 (also known as 710 or oil; which is a holiday in the cannabis community to celebrate and partake in various concentrated cannabis products). I intend to add some cannabis oil to my coffee or some other hot beverage in celebration of the "holiday"....

Happy New Moon and Hello Summer 🌑🖤⭐

on my mind

"she may not understand the world, but she understands herself. and that's the most divine thing about her"  unknown

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose again; this time allowing myself to embody whatever it is that my spirit knows. I found myself looking for inspiration; not only in writing, but in life in general. I now know why it took so long between expressions recently; I was not inspired to write, not even in my personal journals. I haven't written in them for quite some time; then I found a hybrid strain called Dream Walker (Blue Dream x Skywalker OG) which is said to have the effects of blissfulness and creativity. After smoking that last week the words found me. I was thinking and feeling emotions I thought were healed; in some ways they were, but in other ways I still have some growing to do. I used to have some regrets, when they resurfaced I saw angles in which I had never thought of before. I had been "beating myself up" for a decision I made recently, that is until I saw things from a different perspective; rather than allowing myself to dwell in that low vibrational energy I decided to see all sides of the decision made and come to terms with it being in the past and moving forward. I think Mercury Retrograde played a part in that self discovery. In my mind and through dreams I had to deal with my past and assure myself of the things I know to be true of it. 

I enjoyed the Full Moon; it's brightness and beauty nearly had me mesmerized, I thought of many words to share with you all, but under the circumstances of the past week I was unable to make the time and space writing requires. Once I was in a position to write, I found myself at a loss for words; that is until I meditated and attempted to listen to the sayings of my heart, that's where the following quote comes in:

 "my mouth can't translate the things my heart says"- Jin Akanishi 

I often find myself stalling while I write, always looking for something else to do instead of capturing the things I truly would like to say from my heart. At times certain people come to mind as I type, thinking and censoring some of the things I share for fear they may read the words and feel a way. Other times my thoughts are of topics I'm learning about or feel a way about, but I feel as if I may not know enough to share.  The more I think the more I smoke until I'm out of my head and able to allow the words to flow through me. I'm feeling better today than I have in quite some time; although my daily concoction of meds and marijuana helps keep me balanced. I was introduced to a stain called Alien OG which is said to have the effects of creativity as well, between the music and the weed I feel my brain tingling. I love this feeling, only special strains make me feel this way.

I signed up for a painting event, it's not until July; however I am excited and thinking of designs in my head. Aside from wine tasting last month I've been sticking as much as possible to the stay-at-home order; outside of essential outings I've been in the house like many of you. To say that I am in much need of something fun and creative to do would be an understatement. As usual the music is playing and the room is filled with smoke, I recently learned that the scent vanilla is supposed to bring luck and happiness, both of which I aim to manifest in my life on a daily basis. I'm back to my favorite Golden Ticket strain, which also has attributes of creativity; one of the things I look for when buying different strains. I don't usually smoke several different strains this close together, but I suppose this was a special occasion. Seeing how it's the first few days of Summer, Full Moon, several retrogrades and whatever else has been brewing in the Cosmos. 

I poured a glass of wine and let the lyrics take me to another realm; filled with well wishes and happy thoughts. I feel connected to something bigger than myself; I feel the energy of my family and other loved ones. I begin to feel free, in a space where I seem to be hovering over myself as I type. I think because I've been thinking about Ayahuasca a lot lately, I have no idea where the train of thought began, but I was shortly reminded that I can't take it due to mental health issues. However, that doesn't stop me from imagining; the same as I do with mushrooms. I know it's not in my best interest to ingest any of those substances, but I do wonder at times how I'd react to them. Years ago I contacted a retreat that offered an ayahuasca experience and after the questionnaire was when I learned that my mental health conditions would prevent me from participating. By remembering that I think it goes along with thoughts regarding my purpose; giving acknowledgement to my being (which I believe is the soul and spirit of a person). When I smoke I feel as if my consciousness is elevated, I feel as if my third eye is stimulated and my pineal gland is being activated in a new way.  

My dreams have been vivid lately, I think it has a lot to do with the Neptune Retrograde (approximately June 20th or 25th, 2021 through December 1st or 2nd, 2021. Neptune is believed to assist with intuition and psychic abilities which would make sense of my dreams. Some mornings I spend it in bed dreaming because the dreams feel almost real; then I awake and go about my day. Lately, I've had a difficult time filling my day with activities; I have limited interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy. I have a few books that I'm reading, but I find myself taking breaks before I finish them; the same with television. I'm finding it harder and harder to complete a show or series, I get bored or the writing takes a turn and I loose interest. I should've mentioned that in therapy today, but it slipped my mind. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel as if I may be in a rut. Now that I've recognized that, I intend to find ways to combat the feeling. I think if I realized my purpose I'd begin a new and possibly exciting chapter of my life, which should eliminate these feelings of purposelessness. I wonder, have you found your purpose? When did you realize your purpose? What was the experience? How did you know that was what you were meant to do? Those are some of the questions I ask myself often, I suppose that's why I have yet to understand it; because when I get to the question of if I know it's what I'm meant to do I begin the questions all over again.

To be continued...

been so long

“Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking, loving, and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” ~ 

Elie Wiesel

I saw the Full Moon days ago, it was in the early morning when the day is still and there's hardly anyone out. I sat in silence and took in each breath; praying then meditating. With much on my mind I've neglected writing, again... that crossed my mind during meditation, the fact that I haven't been writing. I've  always preferred the night; I agree with the quote above regarding how it's better for thinking, loving and dreaming, I tend to write mostly in the night hours. I especially love when the Moon is full although I tend to begin writing and somehow the night gets away from me and before I know it a month has gone by; like recently. I've been keeping up with my health; mind, body, soul and spirit; which occupies a lot of my time, sometimes forgetting to write altogether. Something I know I need to be mindful of, however I am hoping the second half of the year will lead me to write more. 

I think I was depressed about a particular situation that did not go the way I intended it to, so I had to grieve the loss of what I thought "could have been". I didn't realize the amount of energy that takes, but I am glad to be out of the fog of it all. In the moment I feel a bit melancholy and I am unsure why; I think it could be the aforementioned situation or perhaps something altogether different which may come to mind at a later time. I think with the current retrogrades (Mercury, Pluto and Saturn) along with other aspects of the cosmos may be where these emotions stem from. Not to mention the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini, June 10, 2021; the energy is heavy for me and I am unsure why that is. The energy regarding Mercury is believed to be surrounded by communication, Pluto generates energy surrounding rebirth and renewal while Saturn refers to responsibility and maturity. At this time I feel as if I am beginning a rebirth as I mentioned in tuning in which ties in with responsibility to myself as well as how I communicate with myself and others.

I began a tarot spread titled "monthly check-in" and the second card represents the theme of the month; I then pulled "the star" card (upright) which represents: hope, faith, purpose, renewal and spirituality. many of the things I am sharing in this expression. If you follow the link, although the cards used differ from my own the message was well received concerning being my authentic self and finding my purpose. All things I've shared on the blogs over the years. The next card represents "a key goal to pursue", which lead me to pull "the queen of wands" (upright) representing courage, confidence, independence, social butterfly and determination. I feel as if this is a goal of mine because I tend to neglect the blogs when I feel some type of way or my confidence is a little weary due to over-thinking in regards to what to share and what to keep private. One thing the website mentions is embracing the shadow side of myself and not being afraid of what that looks like. When asked "an obstacle to overcome" I pulled "the eight of swords" (upright) which focuses on negative thoughts and such; one of many things I've made a conscious effort to subdue. One of the key parts for me when I read "as you change your thoughts, you change your reality". As stated that's something I've been putting a lot of effort, being mindful of my thoughts as well as my words. One thing I've noticed is along with not writing often, I don't talk a lot, which has been the case for a while. With the exception of smoking a strain with the side effect of talkativeness, I am often quiet. 

The next card is regarding a major accomplishment; to which I pulled "the Moon" (upright)... how appropriate, with mention of the Moon phase (approaching a New Moon) during Mercury retrograde sums up everything. Before starting the tarot spread I told myself to trust my intuition and surely the cards are confirming that I am. I think that's why I felt melancholy at the beginning of this post, I was wrapped up in various thoughts and emotions while the retrogrades and my own personal circumstances left me feeling some type of way. But thanks to Golden Ticket and a sativa hash named Strawberry & Cream my mood has improved tremendously. I feel guided, perhaps by my higher self, guardian angels, the Universe and God; it's as if the timing of the questions accompanied by the cards pulled thus far seem almost scripted. I had the music playing, but as I continued to read various sites along with writing, I decided on silence to assist with my focus. I feel as if my major accomplishment has been to trust my intuition more than I have in the past, by over-thinking and doubting myself. I feel more confident in my readings as I'm learning to let go of what I can't control; while realizing I don't actually control anything. 

When asked "what to embrace" I pulled "the chariot" (upright) which discusses control, willpower, success, action and determination. I feel that ties in as I am focusing more on certain aspects of my life and brainstorming ways to bring them in alignment with the path I find myself on. I must embrace my willpower and determination regarding these matters in order to be successful. I know that, but at times the doubt and negative thoughts began to talk me out of staying the course. However this time feels different, I continue to see success along my weight loss journey; where it's noticeable to others and not just myself. I am proud of that, especially since I've been at it for quite some time; finally seeing results. Then the spread asks "where to find support" which pulled "the wheel of fortune" (upright) interestingly enough it mentions guides and the support of the Universe; also mentioned above. The last card to pull focused on "advice and encouragement", I then pulled "the fool" (upright) which speaks of new beginnings, free spiritedness, innocence and spontaneity. The tarot deck I have is by Mystic Mondays and it literally says "... this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey." while the passage on the website states "you must step into the unknown, trusting that the Universe will catch you and escort you along the way."

After completing the tarot spread I asked my higher self to sum everything up for me and I then attracted "the strength" (upright); mentioning the chariot and speaking of determination. I feel as if I am in alignment with my higher self lately and this reading reaffirmed that for me. I'm in a good place overall; filling myself with gratitude and thankfulness, being appreciative for the many blessings in my life as opposed to fixating on troubles, worries, anxiety and the like... I haven't been to the beach in many Moons;   it's been ages since I walked to the shore and put my feet in the ocean, I believe I need to change that. I'm going to plan a beach day and pray my anxiety doesn't keep me in the car. I feel better than I did when I began this post. I feel as if a weight has been lifted which also lets me know the energy cleansing I've been doing is helping as well. As I navigate through this life, I feel more grounded; something that is not always easy to do as a Capricorn (Sun Sign). I also activated a zodiac cleanse in my Sun sign in order to cleanse any predisposed trauma and the energy I feel exiting my being has been quite heavy. I am grateful to my guides and my higher self for directing me to various readings, the intuition of completing a tarot reading and taking the time with myself to allow the words to come. I am thankful for this outlet in which I can share myself with you all in what I feel may be my safest space. I feel lighter, but with many thoughts rushing through my mind; thoughts of hope and faith. 

I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and making time for self-care and mental health breaks. It's also good to be social (within reason) as loneliness can be a terrible thing; especially for the social butterflies of the world. I am more of an introvert so for me not much has changed pre and post pandemic. I do miss my movie nights as I don't know how I feel about going to the theater just yet along with star gazing at Griffith Parks, public star parties which have not been scheduled for 2021. I do however need to find a hobby; something inexpensive yet satisfying, I haven't figured that out. One of many things flowing through my train of thought; this time with a hopefulness that things will work out to my highest good. I feel myself leaning towards painting which I've mentioned many times on the blog; I also want to get back into yoga and hiking. In addition to running and exercising it seems I have plenty to do to occupy my time and accomplish some goals in the process. I also need to figure out some new goals aside from physical and financial; I suppose I have emotional and spiritual goals, which presents itself in the form of energy clearing, prayer and meditation. The music is on again and the lyrics which caught my attention says "take me to the Moon, I want to be with the stars" which is exactly how I feel in this moment. 

That's something I've been working on as well, being present; in the moment. Respecting each breath, each thought, each word spoken. I guess that's why I've been quiet lately; speaking words I wish to appear in my reality for the good rather than complaints, gossip and such. I feel encouraged, as if the Universe is conspiring to bring forth miracles and blessings which I am looking forward to. I hope you all are staying positive and present in your life. One thing this pandemic has taught me has been to be present and enjoy what comes in this life. As cliché as it sounds we truly do not know what the day holds for us, things change at times in the blink of an eye so we must preserve the moments and be thankful. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

tuning in

"She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the Moon, but it must be a strong. one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane."

Paulo Coelho

I am thankful to God for answering my prayers. Moving shows you a lot, about yourself, your strength, your tribe, etc. I feel as I enter a new chapter of this life I find myself ready to dig deeper into my being; I am at a point where I want to know myself fully. As the years passed and various health issues have caused some weight gain I believed that the attributes that made me "pretty" were buried underneath. I know I'm at a place to make improvements in my thinking because I am finally willing to admit it in an outlet I feel safest. I've been "dieting" for years, switching things up; taking things out yet the pounds have remained. I am grateful to say they haven't increased, but they haven't decreased significantly. Until recently slimming down by approximately twenty pounds; I feel as if this may be a milestone as in the past I played around gaining and losing the same five pounds. It all ties together because where I am now I feel as if I've never been in this position before. Years ago I tried a pescatarian diet, but now with my energy evolving I find myself dabbling in the plant based lifestyle. With everything I have going on I feel my inner beauty shining in ways I only dreamed of. It feels as if I am going to burst and allow my outside to reflect more of what's inside, the vibrant, radiant, glow of joy, peace and happiness. 

It began as I re-engaged in "scared time", I read scripture and listened to spiritual music; not necessarily "gospel". I allowed the presence of God to enter my dwelling and I could feel it, I felt comforted and loved. I think as I begin to incorporate all of these things simultaneously I will begin to see more of my desired results. By cooking which encourages me to eat healthier and exercise along with up keeping my spiritual practices, I know it's possible; mainly because that's what I did years ago to accomplish my desired goals. At that time my reasons for losing weight and toning up was solely inspired by vanity, I wonder sometimes why I was able to do it when my intentions weren't as pure as they are now; it was even "easy" then. I don't know if it's the affects of age or desire, but I feel as if this particular goal has been the biggest challenge of my adult life. I am working with my doctor to get my health on track and thankfully my mental health is where I want it to be; I feel nurtured and focused. After taking some time to reflect, I completed a tarot spread which was quite enlightening. The focus was about self: how you feel about yourself now, fears, goals, etc.. In my reading I pulled a few Pentacles, which from what I've read The suit of Pentacles is associated with the element Earth as well as the ego, self-esteem and self-image; most of what I began speaking of. The cards also spoke to my procrastination as well as my fear of being seen. Not seen in the sense of being physically seen by other people, but more so in my writing and sharing with other people; although that's the purpose of blogging. I feel a shyness, even in writing as if I am baring my soul at times and I don't want anyone to see it. I don't completely know how to break those habits which are possible sabotaging my higher self. On the other hand I feel as if things are aligning to pull me out of that. 

One of the cards literally says "Everything happens for a reason, so have faith that these changes are happening for your highest good". I suppose that's where patience comes in "trusting that this is where I need to be right now". As an Earth Sign, I tend to overthink things which then causes anxiety for me; which as a Capricorn (Sun Sign), I can be a bit pessimistic at times. Something that I've made a conscious effort to reform as I know that level of being does no serve me or my higher self. Which makes me wonder when or rather if it's possible to embody the concept of the higher self? or if that's something we're always striving for? At times I feel as if I am being my higher self then it fades, I'm studying to figure out how I can embody that part of myself and just be. One of the cards suggests that I am rebuilding from a loss and able to create what's to come as well as discard some old beliefs that no longer align with the person I am becoming. I find myself awake in the early morning and the main thing on my mind is self-awareness which in my opinion has to be accompanied with compassion and understanding. I feel as if over the years I've been rather hard on myself and I am noticing as I "lighten up" in regards to my expectations of myself I am beginning to see the results I've been obsessing over. 

Pink Floyd plays in the background as scents of vanilla and cannabis fills the room. I begin to feel my chakras, to the point I can sense which ones are balanced and which are not. I can feel the voids in my heart. I feel as if the energy of the approaching New Moon has "hit me like a slow bullet". Along with the anticipation of the Super Full Pink Moon at the end of the month. The vibration I feel throughout my body lets me know that I am sending light and positive energy to those chakras in need of balancing. Also reminding me that I need to pay more attention towards balancing them and keeping my aura and such in tune with my being. Meaning focusing on the whole self: Mind, Body and Soul; the thought that came to mind is how I compartmentalize in so many aspects of my life. It seemed to have spilled over into my spirituality, I've been so focused on connecting and in some areas repairing my relationship with God I tend to neglect myself in some ways. Since I deal with bipolar issues I pay a lot of attention to where I am mentally as well as emotionally. I've been doing well with my practices, concoctions and therapy sessions. I'm happy to be able to say that, especially with the past year I've had. Physically, I am doing better, reimplementing various lifestyle changes makes me believe I am on the right track. I think with time, effort and patience I will welcome myself, back to myself. I see it softly, but what I am talking about is the glow. Some days I can see it, however I am longing for the day that it just radiates at all times. Then my favorite song on the album comes on and I feel more in sync with my life. As I took a quick break to feed my social media addiction, the first photo I see on Instagram is my horoscope for the day which touches on nearly everything I've written about thus far. I also checked to see where the Moon was and lo and behold its in my Moon Sign of Aquarius. 

Which partially explain why I'm so in my feelings lately. I've been missing my Dad, but as crazy as it sounds I feel his presence at times; or I'll see him in a dream. The thing about grief is you never know when or how it'll hit you. I intend to schedule a session with my tarot reader later today and I am curious to see how much of what came up in my reading comes up in the session. It seems I am stressed, which was brought to my attention by eczema; I know some of the obvious reasons causing me stress, but it's whatever is underneath the surface that I need to be made aware of. I'm interested to learn what it may be so that I can repair whatever the cause is. I've been smoking for hours and my body feels relaxed, my mind clear and my soul is grateful. Yet I am in the mood to eat an edible I have in the freezer, we'll see where the morning takes us... For a moment I thought of going back to the beginning and editing some of the things I've shared, but I decided not to; I feel as if I've been raw with my thoughts and that's something I need to do more often. On the blogs as well as in real life, I have to overcome my shyness and live authentically. Another thing I'm working on: authenticity, I feel as if as the days go by I become more of my authentic self. Silencing my ego when necessary and living life as guided by my higher self. I close my eyes and see colors correlating to various chakras, letting me know energy is flowing through them. Anxiety has me up late, more like an eagerness for the day to begin. I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and continue to give time to self care, self love and whatever spiritual practices you participate in for your highest good.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

outlets

As I've written in previous post I am thankful to have various outlets to express myself; especially when I am going through things I find less than desirable. I'm all out of golden ticket (insert sad face here)  and I don't know when I'll have more, so I found my faithful blue dream and I realize that my troubles can wait a day. I enjoyed my Sunday and marveled at the Full Moon, which was so big and bright; I nearly missed it thinking it was something else. I blame the drugs; like Katt Williams says in one of his stand-up comedy shows, weed has an ingredient called "fuck it", today as I allowed the smoke to clear my mind I find myself a bit better than I've been all week. I let out a deep breath and thought "fuck these problems"; worrying has only made me feel worse, so in order to get my desired outcome I much change my mood and vibrate at a higher frequency. I believe that will help, changing my mindset about the problem altogether; like Albert Einstein was believed to have said, "you can not solve problems with the same level of thinking that created them". I spent a week in sadness, anxiety and despair yet while in that energy I was still able to follow up on leads and put myself in a somewhat better position than I was last weekend. 

On March 3, 2021 it's believed that Mars will enter the constellation Gemini which will lead to an activation of the Throat Chakra encouraging us to speak our truths and share our stories. An area that has come up quite often as of late; speaking my truth, even when I feel it may rub others the wrong way. I tend to steer clear of confrontations and conflict altogether, but at times it's all too necessary and it seems the Cosmos supports us in sharing our thoughts with one another as long as they are authentic, honest and true. I realized once another chakra opened that things were going to be a lot different in terms of my communication. I tend to hold things in, which is not good for a person with mental health issues however with prayer, meditations, a tarot reader and a therapist; I feel equipped to handle what I'm facing with a bit of a knowing that everything is working out for me. March 13, 2021, is a New Moon in Pisces which calls for us to trust our inner voice (higher self) while on March 15, 2021, Mercury enters Pisces which urges us to get out of our heads and into our hearts. Leading up to the Full Moon in Libra on March 28, 2021 believed to be a time of healing and transcendence. And with all planets direct until late April there should be less distractions to steer us off of our particular paths. 

I saw a tarot spread on an instagram page and it focused on organizing and balance which I found interesting; I can see things aligning for me, pointing me in the right directions as I sort out my issues. I am thankful to God for the insight to see these signs and symbols leading me out of what feels like a betrayal. I believe it's like I wrote in my last post distractions, I am at the point where I know I have to put my complete trust in God to see me out of my current circumstances. I would love for me to get to a place where I feel safe to relax in my faith without it being tested. There are times when I feel others may test us because we say we want to live a particular way or say we believe in certain things; while other times I wonder if it's the Universe? In this moment I want the test to be over and find security, safety and peace; more importantly for me stability. The other day I expressed being tired and although I don't mean physically I am not sure completely what I meant; I just know things that I am tired of dealing with which seems to be a running joke with the Universe. I find myself in a familiar situation and I am unsure of the lesson I was meant to learn since it's here again. The other day I told myself that I want to go to an alternate Universe where there is no suffering, hate or other low energy dilemmas to battle. Where life is good and the people can live freely without the way this current society seems to be.   

I know, wishful thinking; but at times like this I must lean on the positive side of things as a Capricorn (Sun sign) we are prone to be pessimistic by nature. It took me many years to move past that trait, some days I regress, but for the most part I tend to be more optimistic. I've become a "glass half full" type of person and most times that feels good, yet from time to time I feel as if some people prey on those types. I won't go further down that train of thought, but I will say sometimes I believe karma will handle all the misdeeds some have done. Maybe not in this lifetime or even to that person, I think that's where some "generational curses" (see Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; Deuteronomy 5:9) may come into play. For the past few years I have felt more in tune with my Moon sign which is Aquarius, I don't know how that has been expressed, but it feels so different from my Capricorn ways of thinking and being. I've learned to embrace the differences and allow myself to experience life as it comes. I hope you have found or will find your outlets and use your voice to take up space in your life. Thats one thing I'm working on in the present time, speaking my truth and listening to my inner voice for continued guidance.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Distractions

"all art is a form of poetry"

Rick Rubin 

After reviewing some of the drafts on the other blog I realize why I reverted them to drafts in the first place. It seems that's the place I used to write out my feelings towards my emotions, many were so personal I nearly cringed at the fact people read those expressions. Then I think of the posts I've allowed to remain and I can see my growth, learning how much to share and where I should keep certain observations to myself. I think there's an art in growth and the journey is the poetry. I am learning to take each day as they come by doing that I am becoming more in tuned with my higher self. I feel her guide and advise me; even manifesting better outcomes as I make decisions. I've learned to trust myself fully and that's a huge accomplishment, I think that's when I realized that for the first time in a long time I have few distractions hindering me from obtaining the goals I've set for myself. I think by being consistent with my lifestyle changes I will begin healing with ease, not expecting everything to happen overnight, but I desire to see changes by a reasonable time. I've learned over the years that placing unrealistic deadlines on myself proved to be counterproductive and resulted in failure. I'm in a space now where I have no desire to set myself up for failure, I suppose that's the self-love I've been working on. 

 "Love and poetry has a strange familiarity. Both cannot be forced. Both happen naturally, Both artistic and eternal."- unknown

I began this post months ago however the words escaped me to continue and like the quote above suggests, you can't force it. I suppose the energy of the Full Moon has taken affect on me as it seems the words have returned. I was feeling a bit discouraged about a few personal matters, but after a few conversations with a friend and many blunts I've reconciled my thoughts and my spirits lifted. It's interesting how things can have such a profound effect on us and our moods. I was disappointed that my mood suffered tremendously, it was very noticeable to those around me. Lately, I've been thinking of what I desire or should I say what makes me feel alive; I have yet to come up with anything. I've been thinking of finding a new hobby, something else I can be passionate about and I come up blank. I feel as if this passion and desire should come from within rather than involving another person, which in the past I thought I needed to accomplish those feelings. For the past few nights I spent them under the Moon, feeling as if I were absorbing all of it's manifestation principles. I felt awakened and alert, like a teenager mesmerized by the Moon for the first time. 

As the Moon has gone through many phases since beginning this post, I was excited for the eclipse as well as the "The Great Conjunction" believed to occur December 21, 2020. Learning about this aspect of astrology/astronomy has been fascinating especially after doing a few tarot readings for myself. I feel anxious dealing with so many changes since the beginning of this post. I realize while doing some inner child work years ago that there are particular triggers which I am now facing and I want to get past them in the healthiest ways imaginable. I was on a path that I felt safe and almost secure when the rug was pulled from under me and I'm feeling abandoned; which is why I think I took the ghosting as hard as I did. Abandonment issues are heavy and processing through them is tough when you're doing it alone. The good thing is this time I don't have to go at it alone; I can talk it through with my therapist and tarot reader to get to the source of these issues and work to make my inner child feel safe again.

I think there is a poetry of life while some are wonderful others may be a bit tragic, but who's to say life is only supposed to be wonderful all of the time? Through tragedy I have learned so much about myself and my strength and determination. I spoke with a friend the other day and mentioned how my life is in a bit of a rut however I don't wish to deal with drama, I'd just like things to look forward to. At times I feel cursed, as if every time things are going well for me something or someone comes along and shake things up resulting in stress, anxiety or depression for me. I've done enough energy clearings to know that's not the case, but I am unsure why my "luck" seems to be less than desirable. Im in a space where I have no one to lean on but God, I've been in this space before and I will admit it can be extremely frustrating. Leaning solely on faith and trusting God can be anxiety provoking because you don't know God's timing for things and it feels painful when the wait is longer than you'd care for it to be. I guess that goes into the trusting and having faith in the unknown, not knowing how a situation is going to pan out or how and when circumstances will change for the better. Believing everything will work out for the good is a lot to take on when things in your life seem bleak. 

I feel as if they are all distractions; as I made commitments to myself concerning my health goals along with business goals I find myself thrown off by an emergency... one which blindsided me, which is the worst. Yet I have to believe that "things are always working out for me"; because the last thing I need is doubt and disbelief. I feel as if so many of us are going through things so far out of our control that we may be feeling a build up of emotions and hopefully we find the right, positive outlets to allow those feelings and emotions to surface without the outcome of mania or the like. In times like those I have to focus on what I'm grateful for and that helps me to take a deep breath and realize what I can control and what is for me to trust God about. That's the thing with control, we sike ourselves up to believe we have more control over things than we actually do. I'm learning to let go of the idea of control, nothing is in my control; I can just pray, meditate and believe that God and the Universe has my best interests at heart and that things will work out for my highest good.

cleansing, ghosting and moving forward

I was reading through a draft and felt as if I'd read it before; I decided to close the entry and begin anew. Of course I am attempting to find reasons to put off sharing, but it seems the words are coming out as they see fit, even with my nails longer than usual and the typos and speed, or lack of can not frustrate me to the point of stopping. Prior to writing I completed a few tarot readings for myself, I felt as if things are on track for the path I find myself on; although I don't quite know the destination of the journey just yet. I seem to have this knowing that things are in alignment as I manifest my dreams and decipher my hopes. My tarot readings spoke a lot of mystic messages regarding the subconscious mind as well as change and balance, I feel as if that is just in time as I ease into the new year as well as adjust to my birth date. The New Moon speaks of new beginnings and cycles ending as well as growth. Which makes me think of the New Year, my new age and prayerfully new experiences. I've been feeling anxious lately, not enough to be concerned, but enough to be thankful for my temporary therapist and how I am able to discuss my feelings at the moment. While focusing on my health and fitness journey I'm  happy to say that I've shed a few pounds, which has encouraged me to continue on the current path I find myself on. With the New Moon approaching again it just feels right, the energy I find myself feeling or should I say the vibration I find myself in and frequency I am experiencing. I feel as if being grounded is the safest place for me right now, staying close to home and adjusting some expectations. One word that pops in my head has been realistic; as Mercury is retrograde and a plethora of planets are currently in the sign of Aquarius, it feels like a good a time as any to begin reflecting. 

I bought a journal, unlike any other I've purchased before; it happened to be a journal of writing prompts. As I skimmed the journal I realized I'd wasted my money; the prompts are not really "my cup of tea", but I did come across one that made me think a bit differently than when I began writing. The prompt says: "you're going in search of yourself. where do you start?", the first thought that comes to mind is meditation. Lately, I haven't quite felt like myself; I feel as if the stay at home order may have taken a toll on me that somewhat blindsided me. Unable to get drinks with a friend or dine out, go to concerts and other fun activities for an extended period of time will have you out of character, if you allow it too; especially with so much going on in the world and cosmos. After dealing with some health issues I am glad that I am in good spirits and can say that things are much better and I am much stronger and grateful after having the experience. I am somewhat in search of myself, in search of what I'd like to share with you all and what should go into this writing prompt journal. I feel inspired, which says a lot seeing how I am without a muse and have cut back on the usual cocktail that I call my writing process. I think I am at a space of releasing thoughts, habits and patterns which are no longer for my highest good. Mercury retrograde plus the phase of the Moon seems to support this train of thought. I feel lucky, and since I continue to see the number 7 or 777; I think that's safe to say.

From meditation to prayer and tarot, it may seem as if I have become obsessed with tarot; but I think it's more of a fascination. Especially as the cards are read and details a specific situation I find myself in or answering a question I've only asked in prayer. I don't feel as lost as I used to, where I was always searching for myself and looking in places that meant me no good. I believe I did that not too long ago, I found myself regressing into some old habits and allowing things that the person I am today knows better than doing so. So I have to ask myself why I allowed myself to behave that way and how can I recognize it soon to avoid some of the thoughts I've had the past month (or so). I am confortable in this current placement of the Sun, Moon and Stars; as if "everything is always working out for me" which has become a motto I repeat to myself often. When researching Angel Numbers one thing that stuck out to me more than anything was the suggestion of spending more time with God in meditation. I have my sacred time, which I will admit to sleeping though more times than I should; yet as cliché as it sounds I do believe that God knows our hearts and thoughts. Meaning God knows and understands our thoughts and intentions. Not making excuses, however I intend to improve my habits while creating new ones. When I began this post I thought I'd sum it all up in one night, however as this edible has finally kicked in I must call it a night and continue at a later time. 

I participated in a cleanse for Valentine's Day regarding love languages, healing as well as bringing in amazing friendships and relationships into our lives. Last night I had some odd dreams, involving a secret I've been keeping for an ex-friend that's been weighing heavily on me; I asked the mystic about having odd dreams and she said that it was "old baggage and emotional ties moving out!" As I sit here I am hoping that is the case because there is no way that I would reveal the secret even though she and I aren't friends any longer. In addition I dreamt of a friend that I ghosted for no apparent reason, so I reached out and it was received kindly which felt great. As far as other relationships, I felt myself detaching from something I was involved in that really wasn't a good situation for me. Even my tarot reader told me it would end badly; although I feel as if the person ghosted me I refuse to say anything so we both are in silence with me secretly wishing to never speak to this person again. My tarot reader said the person and I are much better as friends than we could be as lovers and I find it difficult to believe since a friend shouldn't ghost you. While typing that I feel like a hypocrite seeing how I just admitted to doing the same thing, however the difference between the two occurrences is with the friend I'm speaking of, we were never intimate so although there was a time when we didn't speak the emotions involved were hardly similar. With this cleanse I am believing in healing the rest of whatever it is that's been bothering me as I've stated in previous writings. I feel the pieces of my heart returning to me; I feel as if reaching out to the person who I felt broke my heart and getting an acceptable response was something I needed to add to my healing process.

I think with the one person I am over wanting closure and accept the opening to catching up at a later time. With the ghost, I feel as if I was understanding in the beginning, but as time passes I can not think of an acceptable excuse or "reason" for the disappearance; based on words spoken to me which were unwarranted. I think that's what hurt the most, the fact that the words spoken were unnecessary. So the disappearance felt as if I was blindsided and the false hope giving burst a bubble or perhaps knocked them off the pedestal I may have put them on. I recently read a meme which said "we think we want sex. it's not always about sex. it's intimacy we want. To be touched, looked at, admired, smiled at, to laugh with someone; feel safe. Feel like someone's really got you. That's what we crave." and I could relate on a deeper level than I've felt in a long time, especially during a pandemic when the touch of another human is unavailable most of the time. I long for a hug like never before, something so simple yet due to the threat of illness which is believed possibly deadly we forsake being close to one another in hopes of "not spreading the virus". In the past I would've felt silly or stupid for sharing that with you all, but today I feel liberated. I feel as if some of you may be able to relate to that statement, well, those of you who are unattached like myself. I am hoping that the detachment does not result in that person reappearing when I am no longer available; which has happened in the past and I will admit to being vulnerable to said person and giving in after doing the work to overcome. 

I'm looking forward to Mercury going direct at the end of this week along with the Full Moon next week. I feel as if I am purging, letting go of things and people I've been holding onto out of security; feeling as if they connect me to my former life when the truth is, that person that I was is no longer. I've gone though so many phases of being since they were staples in my life and at one point I felt like I didn't know who I was without them in my daily life. Knowing people for so long can have that affect on you, I think. Nevertheless, I am ready to move forward and welcome new amazing friendships and relationships into my life, one's that won't claim to be with you only to leave you hanging for no apparent reason. As I reflect on my ghosting ways of the past I made a promise to myself that I would no longer engage in such behavior. If I find it necessary to cut ties with a person I will be woman enough to tell them beforehand. I don't think it's because it happened to me recently, I think it's just apart of aspects of Mercury Retrograde, growth and cleansing that's made me do some introspection and change some of my ways which weren't for my highest good. I feel lighter, freer, more alive even. I think this journey I find myself on was a long time coming and once I actually surrendered to it things got easier for lack of a better word. I wish everyone I mentioned well in their journeys; I'm just learning that not everyone is meant to stay forever and that's okay. Funny thing is at points of my life I thought I could never live without them then I found myself living without them. Which tells me I can do it again...

closed for maintenance

I thought I had healed my brokenheart; that is until a conversation happened which punctured the wound. I realize that if I think of someone each day and not speak to them there's something odd about that. I wrote about it time and time again, this time hoping to gain some insight as to why things are the way they are. I realize I am not in the right emotional space to say the things my heart wants me to, yet I can not seem to shake this feeling of love; although distorted. I wrote recently about being open to a new love if one should show up, however I had to ask myself how will I notice a new lover when I'm stuck on a previous one? I thought I had healed, but in reality I was muffling the aches of desire that I feel for someone who I haven't spoken to in some time. I'd like to think on days like today that I am over it all... the heartache, heartbreak and feeling of longing; but it seems in that conversation I was unable to hide my true feelings and it was called out so effortlessly. As the energy moves into a new dimension I believe our psychic abilities have become stronger as well; so when she knew details that I hadn't shared I knew the information was coming straight from the Ether. Based on how the conversation started I had no idea it would be a rollercoaster of emotions on my part leading to a discussion regarding intimacy; a subject I've mentioned on the blogs from time to time, as I've shared before I am a bit afraid of intimacy. 

I feel sensitive to the thought or perhaps the idea of someone knowing me so closely; I am a private person, even at times surprising myself with the level of sharing I am able to do with you all. I suppose because you don't really know me it's easier to share my thoughts on my own terms and keep parts to myself and you'd never know. However in real life, I'd feel naked allowing someone to know me on such a personal level. I am not sure how or even if I want to overcome this issue, interestingly enough I was diving into the depths of my issues with my previous therapist when due to a change in my insurance I was forced to discontinue our sessions; right when we were about to discuss intimacy. I've set intentions that my new therapist and I will be able to pick up where she and I had left off. With that being said I guess that answers my question regarding whether or not I wanted to overcome the issue and allow myself the option to be intimate or not. I really thought I was ready for a lover; someone to stimulate my mind, body and soul if possible, but how could I be ready for a new when I am stuck on an old? I know the saying is something about if you want to get over an old lover to replace him/her with a new one, but if you were truly in love how could you even entertain someone else? I ask myself that as I realize a few mistakes I've made in the past and wonder if the pain of them was better or worse than facing my fear of rejection and possible humiliation in order to speak my truth to the one I love?

I think I need to pray, meditate and possible get and give a tarot reading for clarity and direction, but for now I'll sip my cannabis infused coffee and maybe eat an edible. As the rain drops to the ground I could enjoy some psychedelic thoughts, perhaps take a nap and have psychedelic dreams; I guess anything to avoid contacting the one person I think I want to talk to the most. Then again I have to ask myself, was that love so amazing or are you romanticizing it because there's no one else in the picture; right now? On one hand I believe I may be romanticizing the past as if it was far better than it actually was, overlooking the times when I was bored or distracted. Maybe not being completely truthful with how lovable I may or may not have been. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", so maybe I can see clearly the mistakes I've made yet not so much the mistakes made on the other persons behalf. I know some things happened which hurt my feelings and at times my heart so do I overlook that because I imagine a relationship being far greater in my mind than in reality? At this point I must ask if I am being delusional or if there's some other explanation. 

Perhaps I should have found a different title as I am not closing my heart from the possibility of meeting someone (which seems to be "in the cards" for me); I am however beginning to ask myself some harder questions such as: how did this person grow to occupy a space in my heart? how do I feel about that? why does it persist? I know some of you are probably thinking "how hard is it to just contact that person and shoot your shot?" well, I've chosen not to because I feel dumb; I feel dumb for wanting to reach out, even more so for the words that come to my mind when I think of initiating communication with someone who has chosen to almost ignore me. How is that for romantic? Over the years I've relied on a motto that if I don't know what to do about something, to do nothing. That is the approach I am taking with my heart right now; which lead to other questions in the aforementioned conversation. If I am leaving myself open to rekindling a love yet I've made no intentions to do so; how will the Universe know how to help me? I read a meme recently that said, "only put your energy into things you have a future with". To say that struck a cord within me to let go of this situation I have created for myself and leave well enough alone. Which takes me back to what started this whole thing to begin with; if you feel you love someone and you think of them daily, at what point do you reach out or chalk it up to a failed relationship and move forward?

Or, do I face my intimacy issues, set intentions and ask the Universe to intervene? I seriously took a break from writing to do an impromptu tarot reading and the cards basically said to take the leap. I don't know how long I can continue to ignore the cards in an effort to keep my ego intact; or how healthy that is? I just know as of late it's become a not so good habit. I tend to take the advice of my tarot reader before my own at times and I need to stop doing that; I have got to learn to embrace and trust my intuition, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Then Pandora plays a song which lyrics nearly brings tears to my eyes because it asks a question I have been dragging out for some time now. It's almost crazy how the Universe will send you all types of messages in the strangest forms to get your attention, I then talk myself out of saying something because I feel it's clichè to contact an ex-lover on a rainy day. See, it doesn't take much for me to crawl back into my shell; so I'll take some time and see how I feel on another day. Or maybe I'll wait until after a few therapy sessions? Either way, I know it won't be today; you can say I'm stubborn that way.

I feel torn and I am leaning towards the thought of leaving the past as it is, no matter how I've romanticized it and focus on unpacking my discomfort for intimacy and allowing that to heal the assumed heartbreak I think I feel for a relationship I've quite honestly put too much energy into where unlike myself, my confidant and tarot reader sees a future. I don't want to "block my blessings", but I honestly don't see a future or an appropriate time or place to say anything to anyone. I think it's best that I "do nothing" and allow God work it out, because leaning on my own understanding has left me more confused than ever. I hope that does not translate into the writing and making you confused as well. I think I should continue as I have, taking each day as they come and leaving things the way they are; for now.