mystic brew and a blunt, or two

I woke up this morning feeling fantastic! I was bored yesterday and I couldn't figure out why, well I knew I would rather be doing something other than what I was doing yet didn't know what that was. I don't like that feeling, however it happens often, unfortunately. My coffee is too hot to drink right now, but I am anticipating the sensation of the coffee mixed perfectly with berry pie cannabis oil. The coffee is strong and the caramel macchiato creamer brings a beautiful flavor to the drink, no sugar added. I had another person tell me to write a book the other day, I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure causing me to be overwhelmed, then I re-read an expression I wrote in 2013; titled "Morning Coffee" where I quoted Toni Morrison which says "if there is a book you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it". So I'm thinking of the story I want to tell, initially I thought of doing an autobiography type of book, then I thought maybe fiction; loosely based on my life... I don't know. I intend to meditate on it for a while and see what comes to me. I will admit, I am beginning to get excited about it, remembering I jotted down some book ideas and loose character backgrounds in an old journal that I have. I'll probably revisit that at some point today. I feel inspired and encouraged; knowing that I have a different type of support than I've had in the past. Realizing I've been writing on the blogs for approximately sixteen (16) years, although the expressions from 2006- 2009 were deleted. That's a decision I regret in a sense, because I can't remember what gems may have been in those writings; but "there are no mistakes or accident's, everything happens as it should". At least that's something I tell myself often. Sometimes I think I should be a better writer by now then I remember I taught myself and I feel as if my voice is heard and my vibe is felt through my words; so I get over those insecurities and keep going.

Now I'm in the mood to smoke and since animal mints is all I have at the moment that'll be what it is. I like the mix of the two (2) strains; they make me feel uplifted, energized and with berry pie; talkative which is perfect for my radio show on Amp (app) this evening on Moon Goddess Radio. I'm currently listening to the playlist I made for last Saturday's show and I gotta say, it's a vibe. A friend suggested I make a playlist on Tidal for the show so that I can share it with others* if interested and to say that was a great idea is an understatement! I feel chipper today; not at all jittery from the coffee which is a feeling I do not look forward to when I make my coffee too strong or add maca root to the mix. I haven't had maca root in quite a while because of the effect it has on the libido; at the moment I don't need anything to increase that. As written in honesty hour (mature content) my over-active sex drive doesn't need any assistance with it's function. I remember writing about my abstinence journey; why I decided to begin it as well as how it was going (see "I've got a story to tell" from 2012 as an example). Since the occurrence described in that story I've done the Goddess Detox and made a new commitment to myself regarding self-love as well as my intentions when it comes to sexual encounters. I viewed the experience as a spiritual one; detoxing from all of the feelings, emotions and "soul ties" of all previous "sessions", I took it so seriously that I removed my beloved IUD in order to detox properly. The expression "Mermaid Life" comes to mind, as I re-read my words about sacred energy exchange (sex) and how it was my soul crying out for a deeper connection. I was also reminded why I became abstinent in the first place. I have recently abandoned "team abstinence"; however the experiences I've had since doing so have been exactly what I was waiting for. I don't even know how I got on this topic, nevertheless; there we are. 

As Jimi Hendrix sings "little wing" and scents of vanilla fill the air, I am feeling as if I am in the clouds; I took a moment to run errands before temperatures reached triple digits today. I found myself using birthday gift cards six (6) months later; I cleaned up too since the store of my choice was having a seventy-five percent (75%) off sale! I will say my day is going very well as I anticipate my "hump day" playlist scheduled for this evening at five (5 pm) pst. I changed the time for this show to take over for my stream mate @kingleopicasso who usually does a show at that time (5am & 5pm pst; Monday through Friday). That's the great thing about being on a team of friends who support, encourage and advise one another on a regular basis. I am enjoying the support as I find my numbers increasing, request(s) for mentorship as well as the process of stepping out of my comfort zones; as well as witnessing the wonderful opportunities opening up for them. I am happy; a feeling I wish to stay indefinitely. I enjoy writing and sharing in this energy because its so different from when I wrote champagne and reefer the other day. I am also looking forward to Friday evening when @darlinglandie does her "Mild Sauce Radio" show at 8:30pm pst/ 10:30 central. As I shared before on the blog, I've become obsessed with broadcasting; although I can't hear my own commentary and the app doesn't save the shows I enjoy the feedback as well as those who "call in" to the show to give such or make requests. I was recently given a suggestion to start a YouTube channel and upload videos there however I am not quite that far out of my comfort zone for that just yet.

The song "the third eye" by Roy Ayers is now playing and I feel as if I've download sacred information about myself; as if my third eye had been stimulated and opened a portal into my Soul. I love it here! Although I could not find the journal I mentioned earlier, I have a feeling it may be in one of the boxes I have yet to unpack. I did however find a book titled "all about me" which is a guided journal diving into all things pertaining to "me" (you if you decide to purchase the book). I began it years ago and decided to return where I'd left off during my impromptu Kamille appreciation day. I created this day was an ode to myself where I lather myself in self-care and self-love to show appreciation for myself. I encourage you to add that to your special days to celebrate yourself on days that are not your birthday, Mother's/Father's Day, etc. It made a world of a difference in the areas of confidence as well as my self-esteem. Showering myself with love, time, attention and positive energy on a grander level than the regular every day caring for yourself. The playlist is nearly over and I am tempted to listen to the one for this evening, but I want to experience it with the listeners so I'll need to find something else; maybe Sunday's? 

"Mystic Brew" is playing and I immediately thought of a title when I heard it; the mellow tunes fit perfectly into my mood today; light and upbeat at the same damn time. Allowing me to revisit thoughts I felt on Saturday as well as bringing new thoughts to mind as I hear it again, for the first time. I am looking forward to the "holiday" weekend; deciding what to do, but intending to have fun nevertheless. I don't know if I'll share again before the 4th, but I do intend to do my Moon Goddess Radio show on Sunday. Either way I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a happy weekend and safe 4th of July. If you have pet's please consider them as they may be fearful of the fireworks/ firecrackers and need a little extra tender love and care during the next few days, weeks or month. I know where I'm from people usually begin with fireworks in June throughout July and at times into August. At any rate, please be mindful of your fur babies. Lastly, to the cannabis community; please remember to "medicate" responsibly.

Happy "Hump" Day!

*feel free to message me on social media (@KingKamille3) for the link to a Tidal playlist of a show you may want to hear again. some playlist have additional songs which weren't available on the Amp app.

champagne and reefer

This past week I was able to have "sacred time" and I see the difference in my day, even if I return to my dreams afterwards. I've mentioned that before on the blogs; sacred time is a dedicated time for me to pray, meditate while listening to music or writing, from 4 o'clock until 6 o'clock in the morning. I love being awake when the world is asleep; I feel so connected to GOD at that time, as if it's just me and the Universe, chillin. Incorporating sacred time into my day has made a significant improvement since I began it years ago; I believe it was Queen Afua who mentioned it on a radio show I was listening to at the time and immediately I set it in my calendar for a daily event. For some reason I was lead to pull out a book from my shelf by Florence Scovel Shinn; The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn and decided to focus on the law of nonresistance. I found myself resisting the circumstances of last Monday as written on "unpinned" and thought to send a message then decided not to as my last message was clear regarding my feelings at the time. The thing with being bipolar is my feelings can change from one minute to the next; so I try my best not to say or do things out of temporary emotions. I suppose I "owe" an update regarding "unpinned"; I sent a text, basically saying I wanted to continue communicating however I was upset and stood by my words. Since the text we've spoken and saw one another... I feel as if my expectations may have been too high while I did have a "right" to feel the way I felt I may have been a bit unfair because of said expectations. I made it clear that I was single yet on some level I expected him to behave as a boyfriend would while I had no intentions of "acting" as his girlfriend. It took me a minute to put that all together, but I'm glad I did and I'm also glad our communication picked up with "a breath of fresh air" as they say. So at this stage we are working towards being friends and leaving it at that for now. 

I slept a lot yesterday; I think the past week caught up with me, now I feel rested and ready for the show. I did an impromptu show on Saturday and had quite a few listeners and new followers which was encouraging. I'm working on not flooding my instagram feed with Moon Goddess Radio promo, but it seems I'm a little obsessed. I typically don't share photos of food or selfies so it takes time and effort to find content without doing so. I realize I may need to get out of the house more, but with temperatures in the triple digits; I am not too inclined to do that. I'm comfortable inside, it's cool in here even without the air conditioner on. Saturday while doing the show I wanted to open this champagne I've had in the refrigerator for a while, but I was unable to open the bottle; which is why it's been in the fridge for so long. I think it may be burned by now so I'm tempted to throw it out; maybe a dumpster diver will find it as a treasure how they say "one person's trash...". I felt like writing this weekend however the words did not find me, until now hopefully; I feel as if there's something to express I just haven't learned what it is just yet. The music is playing and dinner has been made; funny thing, before and while cooking I was so hungry, now that it's ready my appetite seemed to have vanished. I ate anyway since all I had was a few pieces of watermelon and some juice; I feel satisfied, not full or stuffed. 

I don't have many plans for the upcoming week with the exception of a puppy play date, a nail appointment and possibly a hair appointment. So I need to find something to do to keep me occupied and out of boredom; I planned to start Queen Afua's book "Sacred Woman" accompanied by the concurrent journal. I purchased the set in mid-2018 however I've only flipped through it here and there; this time I intend to read it from cover to cover while entering the necessary information in it's journal. I think I'm in a space now where it will be beneficial to me to learn more about my feminine body and how to mesh these teachings with the knowledge and wisdom I already have about it. As I began preparing for the show I had an idea to make a drink using my Berry Pie cannabis oil or smoke some Animal Mints reefer. I was in the mood to get a little tipsy for lack of a better term. I haven't been doing much lately so the other night I felt drunk after one sip of my whiskey; of course I finished the small amount I had and was happy to be home so it wouldn't have any negative affects. 

I don't know why this expression seems difficult to write, I suppose I don't have much to say and I feel like I'm wasting such a good title for it. Right now I will admit I'm a little bored; currently listening to music and smoking, awaiting inspiration to find me and write something captivating. The truth is, I'd rather be doing my radio show or listening to my friend's @kingleopicasso or @darlinglandie's shows. I feel as if I want to be doing something creative since I have all of this energy; especially since it's still early and I slept most of the day away. I think I'm in a mood because I just thought to delete everything I've written so far and start again; unfortunately I still don't have any new words to share. Today someone approached me asking for help starting a blog and that made me smile; I suppose they've been reading the blog(s) and thought I'd be a good mentor. I've never really been a mentor before; well not on purpose so this is a new adventure for me, hopefully it goes well. I guess that's where I'll end things for now. 

Until next time...

unpinned

 “you can not repeatedly disappoint somebody & expect their energy to still crave you.”

from Facebook; name withheld for privacy

I had an experience the other day which made me mad; if you know me in real life, you'd know that I may get upset briefly, but I rarely get mad. I actually went to bed mad, which is even more unusual. I was hurt and disappointed by someone's actions; or should I say inaction. I'd gotten to the point where I was fed up so I sent a text and put my phone on "do not disturb", however I have yet (as of writing these words) to receive a response. I feel as if that person is "waiting me out" so to speak, maybe trying to allow my anger to pass before engaging; not knowing that is only making things worse. I think in this day and age, more and more, people take kindness and patience for granted. Everyone's so quick to "ghost" people that when someone actually gives second and at times third or forth chances they are seen as a doormat or something. I don't know, I can't speak for those types of people. I just know as the quote above says, you can not continue to disappoint someone and expect them to still want you. No matter what feelings or emotions were attached; doing such things will only sever whatever relationship you (speaking in general) were attempting to build. I made a promise to myself after being "ghosted" that I would no longer participate in such childish behavior (in my opinion) and I intend to stick to it. However I did begin to put together a playlist for my radio show then decided I did not want to give it that much energy yet after speaking with a friend who said it was necessary, I said I would sleep on it.

I am a strong believer in the saying "if they wanted to, they would have" that's something that I've shared with the above mentioned person on occasion and was gaslit into thinking there was someone wrong with that perception; however I truly believe "people make time for what they want to" and if a person isn't making time for you it's because they simply don't want to. Realizing or recognizing that may be hurtful initially however it gives you clarity. It allows you to see what may be a priority to them and if you are not one of those priorities you should act or adjust yourself accordingly. Seeing how I typically have much time on my hands I am a bit more understanding than I probably should be concerning others time management skills or lack thereof, however I to have my limits. I think I will do a playlist and broadcast a show surrounding how I feel as a therapeutic outlet for these feelings. Although this was not a relationship  in a sense it was; so I feel as if this may be a break-up of sorts. It's true, I'm single; however when you spend each day communicating with someone over a period of time you or should I say "I" tend to form attachments and feel strongly when my needs aren't being met. Since we were merely "talking" I feel as if I shouldn't give it too much of my energy, however I must transmute it in order to move on. I feel as if I am doing that with this expression as well as the fact that I made the playlist. I think it came out good so I intend to broadcast on Moon Goddess Radio this Thursday; at 8 o'clock pm (pst). 

In other news...

I had a beautiful weekend, that is until the above occurred. Well, let me back up a bit; I had fun doing my radio show on Saturday then Sunday came. I was reminded that it was Father's Day and I felt a way about not being able to "celebrate" my Dad, which made me sad. I found other things to do to help improve my mood and I thought, "my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad." which helped a lot! I could hear his laugh and found myself smiling. Monday I had a great day at the beach; I usually go to Manhattan Beach, but since my friend and I were with his friend from out of town we went to Venice. I don't remember the last time I was there; we walked the boardwalk, grabbed lunch and sat on the beach near the shore listening to music and watching the Sun set. My type of day! Tuesday was another story because of "the mean reds" which took a lot of time, effort and energy to overcome. That is until I listened to my friend's radio show on Amp (app); where he expressed a roller coaster of emotions through music and it was quite therapeutic. Inspring me to do the same with the energy I found myself in. Now I'm back on my cloud and I'm feeling good; a good drive with a great playlist will do that for me every time. I believe I've given enough time and energy to that situation and I am ready to move forward knowing that I did my best.

I hope you all are having a great week thus far and if given the opportunity check out @kingleopicasso's 5am (pst) wake and bake or 5pm (pst) traffic jam sets followed by my show on the same app (Amp) scheduled for 8pm (pst). I hope you join us; in the meantime "thank you" for showing so much love to my other blog it's truly appreciated. I still find it fascinating that so many of you have stuck with me through the years and are witnessing me grow; especially those of you who have been here from the beginning. I am truly grateful that you find my words helpful in some way. It's officially Summer! I don't know how I intend to spend my Summer, but I am looking forward to the "turn up" I plan to attend for Independence Day. I do plan to continue sharing more as I've done this month; I feel as if I'm finding my flow and each expression has been coming together almost effortlessly. So let's make the best of the next few days until we can enjoy another weekend with all the joy that brings.

on my cloud

"be who you need"

unknown

I often joke saying "I need a Me in my life"; when I began saying that years ago I wasn't fully sure what I meant. As time went on and I experienced a particular level of aloneness I felt as if I didn't have a person in my life who checks on me the way I check in with others. After reading a meme recently, which said, "I wanna meet myself from another person's point of view and experience my own energy." I understand my joke a little more now than when I originally thought it, during that time is when I first learned about the concept of self-care and self-love and I began to drench myself in those things before they became "buzz words". I learned to listen to my thoughts as they may become my feelings and/or emotions; to listen to my heart as it knows what I need at any given moment and to listen to my Soul as it guides me through the unknown. By doing so I can observe my behaviors and manage myself in a way that is acceptable to me; although I am not perfect, I do attempt to be my authentic self; the good, bad and the flawed. The bad and acknowledging my flaws are teachable moments for me, looking at myself and knowing what is no longer serving me has been something that I've learned to do within the past hmmm twelve (12) years maybe. I read another quote which says "be who you needed when you were younger", author unknown; and although I am not a huge part of the lives of many young people I do try to impart the wisdom from my "hard knocks" to them in hopes that they may avoid certain pitfalls I was not savvy enough to escape. I wrote on Trust Issues vs.Intuition about how encouraging and motivating I am towards others yet did not extend that same level of care to myself, that was in late 2012; nearly ten (10) years ago. As I look back I can see a huge difference in how I treated myself then. as opposed to how I am with myself now. 

As I re-read old posts on the other blog this morning I was drawn to an expression I wrote in 2014 titled, Today's Color Therapy where I wrote about having "the blues" I did not expound on why they were there and I do not remember, however I did touch on a technique I'd learned in therapy which still helps today; color therapy. The past few days were some that "Holly Golightly" (see the film, "Breakfast at Tiffany's") would call "the mean reds" and I am not completely sure why; I thought I was just having a Mercury Retrograde day then realized Mercury had gone direct some time ago. I then thought perhaps it was one of those Junkie Days where I expressed my feeling towards being put on "drugs" to cope with my life. At the time I only took medications for anxiety and depression; now the conditions along with the medications have increased in number and I feel a way about that. At times skipping my daily dosage and focusing more on holistic remedies. I don't do that often as I know the consequences of it yet I still feel a way about "needing" drugs to deal with my life since the onset of these conditions. Early on one of the doctors I saw informed me that once you deal with an anxiety attack that forms into a disorder you will deal with it indefinitely. Even the memory of that conversation brings the feelings back as if it were yesterday and I am cautious not to allow it to spiral out of my control. I've been hospitalized quite a few times due to episodes of mental illness and the experiences left me with no desire to be in that position again.  So I take my "drugs" and allow them to maintain my particular level of sanity. Writing has always been therapeutic; however discovering my love for painting and now broadcasting has given me the feelings of optimism, cheerfulness and encouragement. Moods I needed to help pull me out of my funk; along with sets from my friend KingLeoPicasso's (follow him on Amp's app as well as social media) radio station a few times this week. 

Today I am in a space where I am thankful for the support I have and the encouragement to continue expressing my gifts (or is it talent?) with the world, outside my window. As I read an expression from 2013, Morning Coffee I feel inspired; I even intend to take a walk with my puppy (Rocko) even if it's just to the store a few blocks away. I've finished my coffee and find myself debating if I want another cup; I do, so I remember to microdose the Berry Pie cannabis oil due to the fact I already had some with my first cup. Followed by my "wake and bake" with Animal Mints flower; needless to say, I'm feeling good, just the vibe I want to continue as I prepare for my broadcast this evening on Moon Goddess Radio on Amp (app). I decided to roll a blunt, something I haven't done in a long while as I switched to smoking joints for some odd reason. The coffee is brewing and the blunt is rolled so I sit awaiting the next words that will find themselves on the page...

I remember deleting a ton of posts prior to making my other blog public in 2012; the first I shared publicly was "How Did I Get Here?".  I now regret deleting them; I began blogging in approximately 2006, I think. So imagine how many posts I really had versus the two hundred-seventy one (271) on there and sixty plus (60+) on here currently. I allow that thought to pass as I feel it bringing me to a lower vibration than I was moments before it came. I will admit, one thing I've observed from writing and going back to read previous expressions I find them to be quite uplifting to me. Not all of them, but the ones where I was able to tap into the feelings in which I wrote the words and remember my intentions at the time... 

I feel as if I began this post one way and it took a turn into something altogether different, it almost feels all over the place, but in my current condition I like it. I don't intend to censor this expression as this is the way it came to me. I am reminded of when I realized how I had grown so deeply in love with myself; not in a narcissistic way but the way in which I wrote about on "Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon". From my experience it was once I became the Me I needed consistently I am beginning to see and attract those same attributes from others. I am happy to say that I have those in my life now who check on me, take the time and energy to listen, share interests as well as encourage me to continue along this journey I find myself on. At times surprising me because it is so vastly different from how my life used to be; I don't see the need to follow that train of thought so I switch my focus to the song currently playing, "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth. I find my fascination with marijuana humorous at times; I think I love weed in the same way as the Moon and the beach. Which reminds me to make arrangements to visit the beach this week at least once while it's nearby, I'd love to do Wednesday's broadcast from there if it makes sense at the time. As I am beginning to share more I think it's profound how the previous expressions come to mind as I am writing and tie into the things I am conveying at the time. At times allowing me to anticipate my next expression to see where it takes me as I am reminded of the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. 

This year, specifically this month I decided to introduce my writing on the blogs and other social media to my family and some friends who had not known that part of me. I was nervous because it's one thing to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with you all; seeing how the majority of you do not know me personally. After doing so it seems as if I've released the fear of being seen or known by those closest to me. It's as if I am finally able to channel my core self into my writing and I feel free to be myself and allow myself to be completely transparent; doing things like sharing consistently and broadcasting a radio show. I've shared that with a few people and they were surprised just as I was; however very supportive and encouraging; just like with the blogs. So I'd like to take a moment and say "Thank you, to my family and friends for your support; it means the world to me!" Now with a few hours left before I go live on Amp (app) I am feeling great regarding the fact that I've been able to compose an expression in one sitting as I mentioned in no drafts as opposed to taking days, weeks or at times months to complete them. Who would have thought the person I needed is the person I am becoming more and more with each day; experience, decision and accomplishment... 

I pray you all have a wonderful weekend celebrating Father's Day as well as Juneteenth; as always remember to celebrate responsibly. I intend to spend mine on my cloud; I hope you join me.

Kamille 💗✨

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed 2

Insomnia has arrived; I found myself searching for something to do in the wee hours of the morning since I am awake while the world is asleep. So I turn the music on and pulled out the laptop to see what words hit the page; I also was lead to read a post or two (2) from 2020 where I wrote about my Ice Princess well, Ice Queen ways. I wrote that nearly a year ago and although I see progress, I feel as if I may still be in that space; hmmm not completely though. In April I joined quite a few dating apps and met a couple cool people; with them I have been my authentic self however I am uncertain that I've gotten the same in return. I don't dwell there as everyone is on whatever stage of their particular journey; however I've since hidden my pages and decided not to meet anyone new. As I re-read Ice Queen I was reminded of a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, which says: "there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." I think I may have been "looking" for the love I had in another and that is impossible; judging love from that scale is dangerous, I think, because you'll never see the person for who they are. Always who they "ought" to be in your mind, which is something they can never accomplish. I believe I've stopped doing that to an extent; I re-read a post on the other blog titled "My First Love...." which sheds a light on the love I often dream of. The love I shared with my friend, I will admit, I still miss him; I don't think too many days go by without thinking of him. I used to have a photo of him which I framed placed in my room, but since I've moved and have yet to fully unpack it's still in a box somewhere. To experience love like that at such a young age and never "finding" it again has left me frozen in a sense. It may seem as if I think about love a lot, but in my day to day life it rarely comes up; I think it is because my mind and my heart may focus on different topics, but when I write I tend or should I say I aspire to write from my heart; so love is what it is.

People often ask me what's up with my love for Pink Floyd; especially Dark Side of the Moon and I am reminded of my love. That was the last album we listened to; under the Moon and stars at times in silence. I loved that about him, our comfortable silences, where it's not forced or jammed with unnecessary rambling. I miss him still and he passed away maybe twenty plus (20+) years ago. A love like that doesn't leave you; it changes you, hopefully for the better, but in this case I am not so sure. Only because, as I've stated, I have yet to experience that level of love or intimacy since. I don't know in what ways I may need to heal, but I am sure there is something there that needs healing; I think I'll mention it in therapy next week and see what comes up. I won't act as if the memory of my friend is what woke me; it was the pain in my elbow and knee, I drive a lot so from time to time those areas let me know they need some attention and I make sure to allow myself the time and energy this body needs. I now have a pain in my back, in one of those hard to reach places, but I've learned a trick for that; place my Nordic Goddess, therapeutic body balm (infused with thc and cbd), in the inside of my arm (on the flip side of my elbow) and allow it to penetrate throughout my body, relieving pains in various places. My body now feels relaxed, but sleep is no where in sight, so I've decided to participate in what I've dubbed "Sacred Time" which is the hours between 4:00 am and 6:00 am; during this time I pray, meditate, listen to music, focus on my spirituality and at times, like now, write. 

I am unsure why Terrance has been on my mind lately, maybe because I ran across his photo in my phone last week or perhaps because I've been longing to be close to someone and he's not here to fill that void. When I speak of being close to someone I am not speaking of it in a sexual way (usually); moreso in a intimate, spiritual, soul altering type of way. I have a friend of nearly twenty (20) years who I can share my hopes, dreams, thoughts and fears with however our friendship is platonic so there's this space where intimacy is what I crave in addition to those things. I won't look for Terrance in others any longer, that does not serve my highest good or the highest good of all involved. However I don't know what to do with these feelings I have, yet I don't want it to seem as if they are "copy & paste" as if I am longing to transfer them from a lost love to someone new. That is definitely not the case! Yet I don't think I've ever been as pure and authentic as I was during those years, I know that girl is still inside of me and maybe that's who's really writing these things; the teenage, love filled girl who loved and lost. As I'm listening to my friend (KingLeoPicasso)'s early morning "wake and bake" radio station on Amp (app) the first song on the playlist is "Moments in Love", he doesn't know what I'm writing and I did not know what his mix consisted of yet here we are. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I was in a mood, I thought it was just a bipolar day; but when I thought of it I expressed that I was sad and lonely. I didn't know why I felt that way and when I began this expression I had no clue all of this would be exposed, yet again, here we are. 

Now he's playing a version of the song "Can't Hide Love" by Najee which makes me question, have I hidden love? Is that even possible? Maybe it's all an illusion I've been hiding behind and everyone can see it beaming from me like the folktale "The Emperor's New Clothes" where everyone sees it, expect me. I do believe that you attract what you are, so I am unsure why I have yet to attract the "love I seek". Perhaps, once I heal whatever lingering feelings I have I may begin to see areas where I have been blocking myself. The Rumi quote comes to mind, "Journey from the self to the Self and find the mine of gold. Leave behind what is sour and bitter and move toward the sweet.". Maybe that's what it is?, Maybe that's what's showing on the outside?; The bittersweet version of love I may be presenting to the world. I am ready to move toward the sweet, I think. As the Sun rises and the music plays I am engulfed in thought; I did not intend for this to be a long post however I honestly didn't have any intention for this expression at all, except to allow my fingers to cross the keys and create words that my heart wants to share. As my sacred time comes to it's end I've read another quote from Rumi which says: "Be silent, only the hand of GOD can remove the burdens of your heart." I believe this came up for a reason, I also intend to discover that reason as I am sure it will be beneficial to me in the long run. 

I made a cup of coffee infused with Berry Pie which has been added to my list of favorite strains of marijuana. I feel relaxed; happy even; glad to have shared and ready to publish in the very near future. In between thoughts to share I've curated my playlist for my radio show (Moon Goddess Radio) on Amp (app) scheduled for Saturday (tentatively), I'm excited more than anxious or nervous. I've even begun thinking of commentary between certain songs and then I'll freestyle and see what is said as it comes to me during the broadcast. Unfortunately a couple songs I wanted to incorporate aren't available on the app so I've been listening to them on my streaming service. I don't have anything planned for the day, except possibly spending time with a friend and smoking, but we'll see where the day takes us. The Sun is up and my coffee is nearly gone as well as this expression coming to a close; so I have to ask myself, "what do you want to do now?' that's something I ask myself often seeing how I have much "free time" on my hands. If it weren't so hot these days I'd take my puppy for a walk in the park; it's nearly 70 degrees and not even 7:00 am 😧. I am happy these words found the page and I allowed them to flourish, who knew this was hiding inside me all this time? As usual I have yet to think of a title; I thought about "moments in love", but somehow I don't think that fits. I'm awaiting inspiration to come though and pick a title for me; I don't know what will come, but I anticipate it nonetheless. 

Now that we've made it through "hump day" I pray the rest of the week is magical; especially the weekend! I will admit I am proud of myself for being so open about my thoughts and feelings in this expression, I feel like the "old" me, like on the other blog where I was so raw and uncensored. Last night I was able to spend a few moments with the Moon as I witnessed her change phases from Full to Waning Gibbous yet still brighter than ever and so breathtakingly beautiful. My current playlist in conjunction with the cannabis oil in my coffee has lifted my spirits and I believe today will be great! I feel as if I was able to shake whatever mood was with me for the past few days, the song by Labi Siffre comes to mind, I intend to dedicate it to myself on the show Saturday (tentatively); it's titled "I got the..."  the part where he says: 

Just a lonely soul

Slowly dyin'

I was smilin' hard

But I was lyin'

Then you sailed along

With your sweet dream

When you stole my heart

I was with it

I felt that in my being! I mean like, deep within my Soul. That's the thing about Self-Love and Self-Care; your Soul knows what you need before you need it and this morning I was awakened by the yearning to write and share this expression with you all. Thank you for entertaining my words and spending these few moments with me while you're reading. I've been told my energy exudes through the screen within my expressions, which was an overwhelming compliment to receive in my opinion and I don't take it lightly. My intention is to be felt through my words and to only speak what my heart and mind agrees with. The scripture comes to mind which says, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."; Psalms 19:14. I chose years ago to allow that to be included in my morning meditation; although I don't remember it daily, I attempt to keep it close to my heart. "In a Sentimental Mood" by John Coltrane & Duke Ellington is playing now and that's exactly how I feel, sentimental. Another word for sentimental according to the thesaurus is dreamy and that describes my mood perfectly. Now six (6) Pink Floyd songs are in the queue; ending with "Any Colour You Like" which is a favorite on the Dark Side of the Moon album. I figure as the playlist comes to an end, so should this expression; therefore (😁, I don't know why I love that word so much); I'd like to take this time to say "Hello; Good Morning ☀️💗✨" and for those of you I know who are traveling I pray you have safe travels and arrive/ depart your destination with grace and mercy. So, after skimming through the blog I stumbled upon an expression titled "A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed" which seems to fit what I've written; consider this part two (2). 

Until next time.

honesty hour (mature content)

I recently shared about my feelings of loneliness on comfort zones and no drafts, for some time I have felt bored; well some time ago I realized the feeling was actually loneliness and I wasn't sure if I wanted to dive any deeper into the subject on the blogs, but a friend encouraged me to do so. With the other blog I used to write about whatever was on my mind, however with this one I seemed to have shied away from speaking about sex and/or my sexuality. That comes up because I've been attempting to transmute this over-active sex drive I seem to be experiencing lately into something creative; seeing how I'm sharing more and exploring other outlets (hosting a radio show, for example); I realize my efforts are showing some results yet the yearning to be close to someone lingers on. Not to be close to just anyone, but a particular someone. 

I was reminded of my journey through abstinence some years ago and re-read some posts I shared in 2014, one in particular, Honesty Hour: Part Deux another was Check In: "Team Abstinence" seeing how that experience changed my outlook on sex and being intimate with someone I find myself longing for a connection like the one I see in my dreams. The thing is I am uncertain if that is possible without being in love with someone and I am not ready, I don't think to be in a relationship right now. I feel as if I may have some more growing to do since I seem to require a lot of attention and affection which I feel I am not getting at the moment. I do however see a bit of growth in the fact I haven't behaved like a brat about it like I used to do; allowing my words and behavior to express the lack of attention in a negative way. I now try to transmute the energy I am feeling because I recognize that the issue is within and not necessarily the total responsibility of a lover. 

I used to write fantasies like Orange Skies which details an encounter with a lover under the stars. My desire for affection becomes overwhelming at times and not expressing that on the blog hasn't helped in a sense. Seeing how I avoid the topic altogether I feel at times something is missing because I am not fully expressing this aspect of my journey. At times I still feel A-Sexual, where I go any length of time without thinking or desiring the exploration of another. Then the loneliness comes and I feel consumed with this sexual energy that I have no channel for. I feel as if I can only write so much, or paint; or listen to music, especially when a lot of songs are of love, lust and desire. In this moment I want to be in love; I feel as if I have so much energy to direct in that area, but as I said I may not be ready for all that it entails. I suppose I feel as if I am not ready for heartbreak or heartache as that's how love has ended for me in the past. I've worked so hard to recover that I do not wish to experience that again.

I used to joke and say "sex is my cardio" because I remained in pretty good shape when I was having sex on a regular basis, then I joined "team abstinence" and it seemed as if the pounds started to add up I felt it was because I was no longer exercising in that way. I know that sounds foolish, but it's how I felt nonetheless. Then Jill Scott's, "Crown Royal" plays and the emotions of loneliness creep up again; the music is on random so it's all over the place from jazz to blues to r & b and alternative, it feels as if I can not escape the subject of sex these days. I want it all of the time but the desire is suppressed because, well it just is. As I stated earlier being abstinent was a life changing experience however I don't know what to do now; being human is a delicate balance of various feelings, desires and emotions and I know I have yet to master them. Acting as if sex is not a part of my Earthly experience would be a lie, I don't intend to speak about it often or in detail, but I think if comes up again I will share. 

I think it's time for breakfast or a nap now that I've gotten that off my mind and maybe I'll write again later. I feel as if I'm on a roll; writing nearly every day. I pray it continues as you can see I have a lot on my mind these days, especially since I did not like the way I ended current view and touching on it a little on comfort zones I felt the need to expound. I am happy with the result so there's no point in going on and on in my opinion. I hope you all are having a beautiful day and planning to spend some time with the Super Full Moon as it begins to enter another phase of being. I'm looking forward to the radio show on Saturday; I'm actually a little anxious about it, but not in a bad way. Until next time...

no drafts

After much debate with myself I decided to re-publish the 225 drafts mentioned on the other blog. Initially I began re-reading various posts and at times cringing, but I left them; unedited. I figure that's the space I was in at the time and the words I chose to share so why edit? Also, how else could we see my growth as a woman or as a writer? How else would you relate to some of the things I share now without some point of reference? So there it is for you to experience and for me to revisit as necessary. Reflecting on the past expressions I notice I do not speak so freely regarding any of the lovers who may have gone or come, well in my own vague way perhaps. That's very noticeable especially with the expressions published in 2010, from the few entries I read I was in love yet the lover had gone and I was heartbroken. I am happy to say that is not the case any longer; I am fully, totally and completely over him (🥳). I wrote most in 2012, which is interesting because I wrote more in the month of September which is when I experienced and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I am not in a space to revisit those entries just yet, but I intend to only to see where I was as opposed to where I am now.

I will admit, I didn't really like the way I ended the post comfort zones; as it suggested being close to someone would cause depression and/or frustration and that is not the case. I think I may have rushed the end and not fully expressed what I was thinking; blame sleepiness. I recall when I would sit and write then publish the same day and lately I've been doing that rather than taking days, weeks or months to complete an expression; so I wanted to do that with the above mentioned post and as a result I feel as if the ending wasn't my best. Nevertheless, that's how we learn and improve; by taking those chances and going for it without judgment which is what I felt I did. I've rescheduled my radio show from Sunday to Saturday, allowing my good friend to showcase his talents on Father's Day. I feel good about that, it's only right for a father to have the day so I'm sure it will go splendidly. Aside from looking forward to the show I don't have any plans for Father's Day just yet; I think I'm going to chill and smoke, maybe have a drink and remember the good times with my Dad. 

The idea of Father's Day took me out so I took some time away from writing to listen to a friends radio show, rest and cook dinner; I ate on my patio to spend time with the Super Full Moon and it was lovely. Yesterday I said I wish I were at the beach watching the waves, but looking at the position of the Moon it wouldn't be possible to see both at the same time so I am glad to be able to see the Moon in all her beauty. As I am reminded to release the things no longer serving me I am doing so with each exhale and taking in my intentions with each breath. I feel a bit of tension throughout my body, but thankfully I learned today that my insurance covers acupuncture; so I intend to schedule a session for the near future. The music plays and takes me to another space, I feel like abandoning my thoughts and diving into my heart. Trouble with that is, I am a bit afraid of what I'd find there; I feel so many emotions in the present moment that my heart feels full. Dreamflower by Tarika Blue plays and I want to dance in the fields like a hippie would with flowers in my hair. 

I am proud of myself for publishing everything on both blogs leaving no drafts; that's never been the case. So I want to take the time to say "Thank you!" for those of you who have taken the time to read some of my older expressions. I also want to take a moment to say Thank you!" for the friend requests on Facebook; however that page is strictly for my family. Please feel free to follow my blog pages King Kamille and The World Outside My Window or my social media feeds: @KingKamille3. I appreciate all of you for the kind words, likes, messages, etc. It encourages me to continue on my path even on the days I may not write or share my thoughts I know at some point I will and I look forward to your feedback. Now Beyoncé is singing "Once in a Lifetime" from the Cadillac Records soundtrack and the lyric "you're a dream, but I'm wide awake" speaks to me and again I wish I were close to someone, I feel lonely; something I've rarely felt. I remember my Dad used to speak about feeling lonely and I didn't understand it at the time, but now I do; so completely. Wishing I had someone to share certain moments with or to talk to; maybe exchange a caress or kisses, simple things like that which you don't think matters until they do.

Reminds me of a caption I read on Facebook, Sacred Dreams page which read:

To the Masculine: hold her.

You have the opportunity to heal a father wound, a society wound, a former partner wound. Hold her in your arms, in your strength, in your unwavering presence. You will need to do this again and again and again. Don’t get frustrated. Don’t close. Please. Feel your Love for her. Not trying to save her. Attune to how incredibly strong your woman is, and honor her little girl whose needs weren’t met. She is grappling with this right now. You holding her with unconditional Love and safety is healing her entire nervous system because you’re helping her to imprint something new. Yes, your presence is that powerful.

Claim her.

To the Feminine: let him hold you.

As you breathe in his arms, keep softening your body. I know it wants to stay closed because that feels safer, but try, slowly, to open. Feel how safe you are, even if it’s just for this moment. Feel his strength and devotion to you and your healing. Yes, it is safe to soften into him. He’s got you. He wants you. Don’t think about the what ifs, stay in the now, with him. Allow your body to speak to him. Soften, open, and make contact with him. Acknowledge his devotion with your touch. He sees you, as you are, and is saying “yes” to all of you. Take that in. This is what you’ve always wanted, it’s here, don’t miss it.

Receive it.

Receive him.

Makes me think about sacred intimacy; something we don't hear about enough, I think sex is simple, but intimacy requires a bit more. I've been trying to occupy my time with various activities so that I don't dwell on the loneliness; so far so good. Well, its only been about a day; so I can't celebrate anything just yet. I'm currently reading a book titled "The Energy of Emotions: The 10 Emotional Environments and How They Shape the World Around Us" by Emily Maroutian; it speaks about many different emotional states however loneliness doesn't seem to be one of them so I've been reading about boredom which is something I feel quite often and I believe they may be connected so I am attempting to learn more about it so I can transmute the energy into something more positive and creative. I'll keep you posted on my progress. Until next time. Be well.

comfort zones

"the inspiration you seek is already within you. be silent and listen"

Rumi

I created a playlist and started a radio station on an app called Amp; I surprised myself and had a lot of fun. I find myself to be in introvert so public speaking is clearly not my favorite thing to do, but this was easy. I think I need to find more to say however allowing the music to speak for me was helpful. I cooked with a strain called Berry Pie which is said to have the effect of talkativeness so I'll be doing something else with that as I broadcast my next show (scheduled for Sunday). As I spoke on current view about experiencing new fruit; I am happy to find another creative outlet to express myself. I'd like to take a moment to thank one of my best friends for introducing me to the arena of broadcasting. Who would've thought I'd actually do a show? I know I didn't. I'm glad I did because that took away a fear that was holding me back in some way, now that I've done it once I know that I can do it again. 

I like the above quote because Rumi just gets me, I often speak of inspiration leaving me as if it is an external component to my writing when in actuality inspiration is already within you; it's just a matter of tuning into it. I've come to so many realizations within the past few days, thoughts I've changed my mind about; music I no longer relate to, etc. I know I use this word a lot, but it's growth! As I am nearly six (6) months into my new age I am learning things that I've outgrown or no longer serving me to my highest good and to my surprise I am not resisting it, just allowing it to flow naturally. That's also something that is new to me, not resisting changes and allowing my higher self to direct me. I have some trust issues which has spilled over into my trust in myself, often second guessing my choices and/or decisions. However I am slowly beginning to feel secure in my trust of myself and my intuition allowing me to find less anxiety when dealing with things. Anxiety is a funny thing now, after developing anxiety disorder nearly ten (10) years ago I've gone through various stages in it; I feel I've even gone through the seven (7) stages of grief. Grieving the life I lived pre-anxiety disorder. 

I was comfortable then; working, going out with friends, etc. I've finally came to terms with the working part and beginning to build a new social circle which has been quite supportive. I was able to have a session with my therapist today and it went well; I was able to express some things that are not for the blogs or social media and gain some clarity. I like speaking with her because she's very encouraging and supportive with the things I share with her. Our sessions are sporadic, mainly because I'm in a space where I don't necessarily need therapy weekly; sometimes monthly is fine. I'm taking time during the Super Full Moon to do some introspection to see the areas that are comfort zones for me and see ways to step out of them. I think that may be the first step, identifying them to begin with. I know public speaking is stepping out and will somehow help with my writing and the courage to write an actual book. My thought is that I'll take those drafts and. combine them or extend them into chapters. I feel as if that's less overwhelming than thinking of a book idea and writing it from scratch. 

As I sit here listening to Mermaid by Sade I am yearning for a trip to the beach, especially during the Super Full Moon. I went outside to be with the Moon for a bit; I'm in a mood so it helped in a way only it could. Now I'm back inside, but wishing I were somewhere else. That's the thing with bipolar disorder, your moods really do change up in a blink of an eye. I want to scream, but I don't even think that would help at this point. I intend to allow the music to shift my mood and so far it's just making me want to be close to someone and that's not helpful at all. I'm not going down that train of thought because I know depression comes with it and possibly more frustration. Nevertheless, as I bring my day to an end I want to focus on the good and things that I am grateful for. I like to go to sleep with gratitude in my heart and peace of mind. The Moon gave that to me in those few moments we spent together. So goodnight, I hope you had a beautiful day and have a wonderful week ahead. Until next time...

current view

"you've made magic out of your wounds and that gives you every right to be cautious about who is allowed to experience you. the fruits of your healing are not for everyone to bite into"

@iambrillyant (instagram)

Lately I've been in a mood I can't quite describe; normally I would allow it to process and pass, but this mood is a bit different. I want it to stay; to transmute into creativity and show up on the blog. I felt the urge to write and I am not sure yet how the above quote factors into the words to come, but I am certain they will make sense by the end. I've written countless times of my heartbreak and recovering from such, now I want to write about love sometimes; not being in love, but love itself. I want to express the love I have in my heart for so many things aside for my love of the Moon and the beach. I find myself in a space where I simply love life; the circumstances aren't perfect, but I am feeling the happiness of what it means to be love. Usually I shy away from the topic because I censor what I've shared to an extent, now I am ready to stop holding back and just allow the words to take shape however they form. That's something I'm making a conscious effort to do with each post, not being afraid to share my heart with you. In the past I'd retract paragraphs and even revert posts back to a draft because of fear; I don't even know what I was afraid of, especially since most of you all don't know me outside of the blogs and social media accounts. Nonetheless, the desire to share came upon me and I conceded without hesitation. 

I used to be scared of love; the vulnerability it requires. I think the scars of loving the wrong people have healed and I am ready to find something new in the fruit I experience. Then I think, is that even possible to love the "wrong" people? Sometimes I think that the timing was wrong, not the person; but I don't dwell there. Dwelling in that space in my opinion only leads to nostalgic emotions which can be misleading as we tend to remember the good times and not the times of heartbreak or heartache. As Sade plays in the background reminding me that "love is stronger than pride" I am almost forced to allow my heart to take the role my mind usually plays in my writing. I feel unraveled, maybe it's because Spring is turning to Summer and my love for the Summer has taken over in some way. Smoke fills the air and my thoughts are scrambled, thinking of various things all at once; making me feel a sense of overwhelming emotions. That's been the thing lately, having feelings and emotions I do not know how to express. The desire to have a drink comes to mind, maybe the whiskey will help the words flow? I need to relax, I have so much tension in my body and I am unsure why. I feel it in my shoulders and the middle of my back; all the hard to reach places, but I'm wide awake. 

I still debate how vulnerable I want to be; I like to hide, in the background of things while vulnerability causes you to be seen or should I say, felt. That is something else I am growing into, allowing myself the space to be vulnerable. I used to view vulnerability as a weakness where others can use your sensitive parts to pull you apart for their own pleasure. Now I view it as a superpower, only the brave can be vulnerable because it puts you in a space of love. I spent/ spend a lot of time focused on self-care and self-love; at times it feels like a job because it requires so much time and attention, but the "rewards" are worth the effort. As I've reached a particular space in self-love I find myself not as cautious as I probably should be concerning who I allow experience it. So far I believe I've made good choices, but I suppose it's the "old" me that is fearful of being hurt again. I will admit, certain situations have made me nervous; wondering if I'm making the right decision and other times I feel myself taking the leap into the rabbit hole with no expectation of what's on the other side of it. I don't want to injure the wounds I've worked so diligently to heal, but I don't want to be afraid of life and all it has to offer. 

I'm reminded of a situation in 2019 where an ex-lover made a reappearance in my life and I was able to see my growth in a way that the experience left me with. There was this quote that comes to mind by Dream Hampton which reads: "don't leave my ocean for shallow waters then ask me about the Moon". I felt that deep in my being, it was as if the encounter was scripted; from previous experiences with them as if the plays in the book would be everlasting, but to our surprise my response wasn't quite the same. I realized the feelings of our exchange was confusing and everything I knew was against my better judgement, but I allowed it to play out just the same. After such an occurrence I feel as if I will not allow another to "bite into" the fruit of my progress in that way again. I believe that happened to show me where I was spiritually and where I desire to be; along with maturity and how I value myself. I feel as if I was made aware of a "blindspot" in myself that otherwise I would not have recognized. I feel as if I began 2020 with a new mindset regarding my heart and who I will allow to have access to it. The past two (2) years I've felt that strengthen and I am proud of myself for allowing it to happen without judgement or shame. 

I think at the time I did not embrace my singleness as I do now; I like dating and watching relationships unfold as they are without fear or overthinking. That's something I've never done; I've always had anxiety when dealing with certain situations, keeping me nervous or even intimidated at times. Scared to speak my truth or express myself fully and openly. I was told once or twice that I was "too much", the funny thing about that was the person(s) saying such didn't realize how much I was actually holding back. I'd think to myself, if this is too much how overwhelming it would be to show my self completely. I then allowed that to spill over into my creativity; at times losing the freedom to truly express myself as if no one was looking. I think I've found that space; where I can share without worry or concern of who's reading my words and possibly judging as opposed to reading my words and getting to know me in another aspect of who I am. It's interesting to me when people attempt to request my friendship on Facebook because I wonder how they want to know me. I don't use Facebook for that, it's strictly for family, but my instagram, twitter, tumblr and the blogs are the best way to know who I am and what I'm about in my opinion. As the Super Full Moon approaches I feel more connected to my chakras and learning which needs to be unblocked and which may be overstimulated. The Full Moon is also a time to align with kindness and forgiveness and the perfect time to let go of negativity in any form. 

I was lead to do a numerology reading and the result said: "You are being guided to move in a new direction, Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you." I think that aligns with the things I've been sharing lately, being inspired and ready for adventure while letting go of fear and worries. I then pulled a card from my Mystic Mondays deck and it was The Fool which reads: "How exciting! The fool is a card of pure spontaneous energy, filled with curiosity and enthusiasm for the next adventure. You're ready to step forward into a new journey where the sky's the limit! You have boundless potential where you can pour your exuberance into fresh creative endeavors. Living in the moment, you're learning to let go of expectations and to go with the flow! You are ready to venture into unknown territories and pioneer your free spirit self into this new phase of your life. With a carefree attitude, this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart, and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey..." I feel as if following my intuition I am being pulled to a part of my journey that is unfamiliar, I suppose that's how it has to be in order for growth to flourish. I then think of being "tested", yet now I believe that is a man made construct put into our psyche to control us and instill fear of "failure" when making life choices.  I choose not to accept that thought process any longer.

Being free to live life and enjoy the ride of it all even with the ups and downs is all apart of the journey we find ourselves on. Taking chances, risks even; which is one thing about me, I am not usually a risk taker. However playing it "safe" hasn't always gotten the results I've set out to experience so I am learning to abandon the notion. I don't know how love was awakened within me, but I am learning to embody the emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with it. I am looking forward to the days ahead; because I feel as if I've gone through a portal of sorts, I feel as if I have been reborn and the lessons learned thus far have contributed to my growth and understanding of myself. I feel as if I understand myself in ways I've never thought possible. I now understand some of my behaviors better, especially after being diagnosed bipolar; so much makes sense now that didn't before. Learning more to lean on my intuition rather than my thoughts all of the time has given me a new outlook; I am less concerned with looking foolish rather I want to do what my soul needs. Even if that doesn't make sense to anyone else which reminds me of a post on the other blog which remained untitled as I re-read that post I was reminded of a few people recently suggesting that I write a book, I am beginning to feel inspired to do just that...

to be continued.

Happy Father's Day!

 "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

Jamie Anderson

One of the last times I saw my Dad was on Father's Day; 2018, nearly a month before he passed away. I think of him often and miss him dearly. I think of how he raised me and the lessons he taught me along with the love and friendship we shared. As Father's Day approaches I noticed my mood changing from sad to grief, not knowing what to do with the love I have for him since he is no longer physically on Earth to share it with. Typically for Father's Day, my brother, sister-in-law and Dad would go to lunch or dinner followed by the beach. We'd smoke and maybe play cards and there was lots of laughter. I miss my Dad's laugh, it was contagious! His smile could light up a room and his charm, words cannot describe. I don't know what to do with these emotions except to write.

I don't think my brother and I have spent Father's Day together since the passing of our Dad. I am happy to have known him for thirty-eight (38) years; when you think about it, that's not really a long time, but the memories I have are priceless. On his last day, I stayed in the hospital room with him and turned the television to basketball; one of his favorite things to do. Although he was unconscious I felt as if he knew I was there and felt the energy of me and the game. I pray he was at peace during that time, I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life, to put him on life support or let him go naturally. He took his last breath shortly after and I don't know if I've cried, aside from his memorial services and even then, I had to be "strong"; as his eldest child I took the responsibility for it all. The death certificate, planning and organizing two (2) memorial services (one (1) in Los Angeles and one (1) in Georgia). 

I've "lost" a few people who were dear to me, but it's no other experience like "losing" a parent. With this grief, it doesn't seem to "go away", it lingers under the surface and when you think you're "okay" something happens or someone does/ says something that triggers a thought or a memory and there you are, feeling grief again. I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but they won't fall; instead I smile and think of something funny he said to me before. I have a lot of those memories, happy times. That's how I choose to remember him, in the happy times. Like when I surprised him and planned a trip to see his Mother and our family out of state; which to our surprise was the last time she saw him alive. Obviously none of us knew that at the time, but GOD knew and I'm glad I listened to what was in my heart to do.

The other day as I was driving a song came on Pandora that he liked, the artist was Mozzy; I'd never heard of him, but the last time we were all together I asked my Dad what he wanted to hear as I always did when he was in the car with me. The rule was, the driver picks the music, but with him I didn't follow that rule; I always asked what he wanted to hear and most of the time he was fine with what I was playing however every now and again he's choose. I liked listening to his music, he loved music; most genres. I know I got that from him; music appreciation. Often times my Mom will look at me and say "you look like your Dad", especially when I smile. I read a quote which read: "There is no elevator in healing. You have to take the stairs." I felt that, I don't know how you heal from grief; maybe that's a topic for therapy? Is it even possible to heal from grief? Or do you just go through the cycle until your last day?

Today I choose to be happy to have known him, past Father and Daughter, but as friends. He was my best friend; I could talk to him about anything and I did. This year I don't know how I'll spend Father's Day, but I do know that he remains in my heart; thankfully there's no lump in my throat or hollow part in my chest, but I feel as if there may be tears at some point. Not tears of sadness, but tears nonetheless. I pray for those of us who have "lost" parent(s); there's no feeling like it and you don't know it until it happens. I pray you find peace and feel the love you shared at this time or find counseling or perhaps a support group if necessary. I pray as this time passes we can find the good and the joyful memories of what once was. I am reminded of an expression I shared in 2012 which was a time when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, slightly before I was taken off work and I thought I'd share it here now; the title is Daddy's Little Girl. I read that a few moments ago and it brought back so many memories of that time. I know as days go by I may have a rollercoaster of emotions, but I also know his words are with me and will bring a smile to my face if I allow them to rather than dwelling in the selfish thoughts of him not being here anymore.

I hope you all have a Happy Father's Day regardless of your circumstances and find the joy in the times you've had with your Father whether they are still with us or not. For those who may not know their Father I pray GOD sends you peace concerning your well-being;  unfortunately I don't have much more to say on the matter since that is not the case for me, but I wish you well during this time as I know for those in either situation these days may be a bit rough. If you are fortunate enough to have your Father in your life I pray you cherish him and show love especially now as we celebrate Dad's. My Dad always called me his angel, I feel now that he has become mine; maybe looking over me and sending me messages from another dimension or realm. That brings me comfort at times, knowing that his spirit is not gone, just his physical body. I don't know much about death as I don't remember any of mine; but I do know that in mourning you have to give yourself room to grieve and let go until it comes around again.

To all the Dad's I'd like to take this time to say "Happy Father's Day!'

fireworks in the night's sky

“Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about… say yes quickly, if you know, if you’ve known it from before the beginning of the universe.”

Rumi

When I sit to write I try to clear my mind and allow the words to flow through me, sometimes I get stuck wondering what is too much to share verses what is enough. I'm working on just sharing and not being concerned with either, to allow the art of words to form in their own special way. The past two months have been quite interesting as various changes have taken place allowing me to see growth in ways only particular circumstances would provide. I feel as if I have tapped into a space within myself that is free and childlike; perhaps my inner child has gotten some healing that was much needed. I feel the Universe speaking to me, through the music; the Moon, tarot cards, etc. Speaking of, I pulled a card the other day which spoke to me and was a bit of a confirmation of sorts. I used a deck from Mystic Mondays which is the brand of tarot cards I have, the  Princess of Swords which reads: Sparks fly high with a twinkle in your eye. There are a million ideas floating around in your head, and you can't wait to tell anyone and everyone about them! Combusting with excitement, your creativity and brilliance cannot be contained. The Princess of Swords urges to put your ideas into action and go for it. Young, idealistic truth seeker, you have a gift for gab that has the ability to translate effectively to others. Writing and speaking come easily to you, which will aid you when it comes time to spread your ideas and message. With a thirst to learn, you constantly ask questions and want to know the "why" of how things work. Your high energy and curiosity are endless and feed off of your willingness to find the answers. With time comes experience, and the more you go after what you want, the more wisdom and experience you will gain.

I thought it was interesting how that card came into my reality once I decided to write.  After the reading I did a search online for more information and ran across this site and I like what I read. From what I've been feeling and experiencing I feel as if the words from those two (2) passages spoke to me directly. As always the music is in the background, but there's no incense burning; yet. The other week I went to the beach at least four (4) times; I love to watch the Sun set, I also enjoy watching the surfers. As I caught myself finding various distractions taking me away from the thoughts I'd like to share, I brought myself back to the present moment rather than singing along with the music or checking my social media accounts. I believe the beach is my favorite place to be; I find such peace and introspection there. I feel most connected to GOD there, it's as if being in awe of the creation you have to align with the Creator. Each time there was an experience all it's own; at times blissful. Whenever I'm at the beach I think of the most beautiful words to share, yet the drive home usually causes them to disappear. The other day I was thinking of my growth and noticed an area that I intend to give some focus to; attachment issues which derive from emotional neglect and abandonment issues. I debated sharing that here and decided I should allow my thoughts and fingers to let it out prior to speaking with my therapist since I had to reschedule my session. I seem to attach quickly to people and with any sort of variation of plans for example I get completely disappointed. Once I recognized that I knew I needed to make adjustments to my thought or emotional process in that area. 

I feel as if at times I may set myself up for disappointment or sabotage and that is something I do not wish to continue. I will often think the worst case scenario and when it comes to pass I feel the way I did not want to feel, yet my focus brought it upon me. I learned that when dealing with a new friend, although they may be flaky at times does not mean they will be flaky every time so why allow my thoughts to think and manifest the outcome that I do not want to happen? That's a question for my therapist or meditation. I spoke earlier about my inner child and I know that's her speaking to me, letting me know that it's time to heal whatever memory that's buried deep down causing me to behave that way. I will admit, I like a lot of attention; at times I feel it may be too much or overwhelming for someone dealing with me. So I try to hide it as much as possible which leaves more disappointment because the other person didn't read my mind and "just know" what I expected. Like the Shakespeare quote states "expectation is the root of all heartache" I believe that to be true. I am focusing on my expectations of myself as well as with other people to avoid this self-inflicted state of being which is not for the highest good of anyone. Disappointment in my opinion brings sadness and other low vibrational emotions that I choose to leave in the past. So why have I brought it into my present? I believe it's to shine a light on the matter and reconcile it for my betterment. 

Aside from that I have been happy, still. Looking forward to friendships that are blossoming and enjoying my free time. I don't have plans to visit the beach this week, but I intend to be there for a Sun set or two (2) next week. I think it surprises people when they learn how much I truly love it there, even going twice in one day at times. I have yet to meet anyone who loves the Moon or the beach as much as I do, however I appreciate those who find it in themselves to indulge me with my infatuation of both. I have yet to think of a title for this expression, but I am not worried about it because I know something will come to mind by the time I'm ready to publish. I think as I am nearly six (6) months into my new age I am learning myself in a different way; I am being more gentle with myself and allowing the grace and freedom of awareness to develop. As I listen to fireworks in the night's sky I am excited for the approaching holidays. I've always loved fireworks, not fire cracker's, but the ones that light up the sky in such beautiful colors. This year I think I want to go to the beach on the fourth (4th) of July and watch the fireworks with a bonfire and animal mints or blue dream and enjoy the festivities. That sounds like a good plan to me! I find that those strains assist with tapping into my core self, the self that knows all "from before the beginning of the Universe"; it could be all in my mind or it could be my Soul directing me towards things that will assist in uncovering who I am before society told me who I should be. 

The thought of this plan brings me joy, a feeling I am not too familiar with; yet I am anticipating the experience of it all. I think the right company and vibe will make it all that much better. As the night turns to dawn I find myself getting a bit tired, I've had a long day which is a bit unusual for me; and to my surprise insomnia is no where in sight. So I'll take advantage and get some rest, I hope you all are rested and at peace; if not I pray peace finds you and brings all of the amazing things it possess. Maybe take a moment and look at the Moon or visit nature in some aspect. Hopefully I'll post again in the very near future, until then; be well.

Kamille 💗✨