honesty hour (mature content)

I recently shared about my feelings of loneliness on comfort zones and no drafts, for some time I have felt bored; well some time ago I realized the feeling was actually loneliness and I wasn't sure if I wanted to dive any deeper into the subject on the blogs, but a friend encouraged me to do so. With the other blog I used to write about whatever was on my mind, however with this one I seemed to have shied away from speaking about sex and/or my sexuality. That comes up because I've been attempting to transmute this over-active sex drive I seem to be experiencing lately into something creative; seeing how I'm sharing more and exploring other outlets (hosting a radio show, for example); I realize my efforts are showing some results yet the yearning to be close to someone lingers on. Not to be close to just anyone, but a particular someone. 

I was reminded of my journey through abstinence some years ago and re-read some posts I shared in 2014, one in particular, Honesty Hour: Part Deux another was Check In: "Team Abstinence" seeing how that experience changed my outlook on sex and being intimate with someone I find myself longing for a connection like the one I see in my dreams. The thing is I am uncertain if that is possible without being in love with someone and I am not ready, I don't think to be in a relationship right now. I feel as if I may have some more growing to do since I seem to require a lot of attention and affection which I feel I am not getting at the moment. I do however see a bit of growth in the fact I haven't behaved like a brat about it like I used to do; allowing my words and behavior to express the lack of attention in a negative way. I now try to transmute the energy I am feeling because I recognize that the issue is within and not necessarily the total responsibility of a lover. 

I used to write fantasies like Orange Skies which details an encounter with a lover under the stars. My desire for affection becomes overwhelming at times and not expressing that on the blog hasn't helped in a sense. Seeing how I avoid the topic altogether I feel at times something is missing because I am not fully expressing this aspect of my journey. At times I still feel A-Sexual, where I go any length of time without thinking or desiring the exploration of another. Then the loneliness comes and I feel consumed with this sexual energy that I have no channel for. I feel as if I can only write so much, or paint; or listen to music, especially when a lot of songs are of love, lust and desire. In this moment I want to be in love; I feel as if I have so much energy to direct in that area, but as I said I may not be ready for all that it entails. I suppose I feel as if I am not ready for heartbreak or heartache as that's how love has ended for me in the past. I've worked so hard to recover that I do not wish to experience that again.

I used to joke and say "sex is my cardio" because I remained in pretty good shape when I was having sex on a regular basis, then I joined "team abstinence" and it seemed as if the pounds started to add up I felt it was because I was no longer exercising in that way. I know that sounds foolish, but it's how I felt nonetheless. Then Jill Scott's, "Crown Royal" plays and the emotions of loneliness creep up again; the music is on random so it's all over the place from jazz to blues to r & b and alternative, it feels as if I can not escape the subject of sex these days. I want it all of the time but the desire is suppressed because, well it just is. As I stated earlier being abstinent was a life changing experience however I don't know what to do now; being human is a delicate balance of various feelings, desires and emotions and I know I have yet to master them. Acting as if sex is not a part of my Earthly experience would be a lie, I don't intend to speak about it often or in detail, but I think if comes up again I will share. 

I think it's time for breakfast or a nap now that I've gotten that off my mind and maybe I'll write again later. I feel as if I'm on a roll; writing nearly every day. I pray it continues as you can see I have a lot on my mind these days, especially since I did not like the way I ended current view and touching on it a little on comfort zones I felt the need to expound. I am happy with the result so there's no point in going on and on in my opinion. I hope you all are having a beautiful day and planning to spend some time with the Super Full Moon as it begins to enter another phase of being. I'm looking forward to the radio show on Saturday; I'm actually a little anxious about it, but not in a bad way. Until next time...