Happy Father's Day!

 "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

Jamie Anderson

One of the last times I saw my Dad was on Father's Day; 2018, nearly a month before he passed away. I think of him often and miss him dearly. I think of how he raised me and the lessons he taught me along with the love and friendship we shared. As Father's Day approaches I noticed my mood changing from sad to grief, not knowing what to do with the love I have for him since he is no longer physically on Earth to share it with. Typically for Father's Day, my brother, sister-in-law and Dad would go to lunch or dinner followed by the beach. We'd smoke and maybe play cards and there was lots of laughter. I miss my Dad's laugh, it was contagious! His smile could light up a room and his charm, words cannot describe. I don't know what to do with these emotions except to write.

I don't think my brother and I have spent Father's Day together since the passing of our Dad. I am happy to have known him for thirty-eight (38) years; when you think about it, that's not really a long time, but the memories I have are priceless. On his last day, I stayed in the hospital room with him and turned the television to basketball; one of his favorite things to do. Although he was unconscious I felt as if he knew I was there and felt the energy of me and the game. I pray he was at peace during that time, I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life, to put him on life support or let him go naturally. He took his last breath shortly after and I don't know if I've cried, aside from his memorial services and even then, I had to be "strong"; as his eldest child I took the responsibility for it all. The death certificate, planning and organizing two (2) memorial services (one (1) in Los Angeles and one (1) in Georgia). 

I've "lost" a few people who were dear to me, but it's no other experience like "losing" a parent. With this grief, it doesn't seem to "go away", it lingers under the surface and when you think you're "okay" something happens or someone does/ says something that triggers a thought or a memory and there you are, feeling grief again. I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but they won't fall; instead I smile and think of something funny he said to me before. I have a lot of those memories, happy times. That's how I choose to remember him, in the happy times. Like when I surprised him and planned a trip to see his Mother and our family out of state; which to our surprise was the last time she saw him alive. Obviously none of us knew that at the time, but GOD knew and I'm glad I listened to what was in my heart to do.

The other day as I was driving a song came on Pandora that he liked, the artist was Mozzy; I'd never heard of him, but the last time we were all together I asked my Dad what he wanted to hear as I always did when he was in the car with me. The rule was, the driver picks the music, but with him I didn't follow that rule; I always asked what he wanted to hear and most of the time he was fine with what I was playing however every now and again he's choose. I liked listening to his music, he loved music; most genres. I know I got that from him; music appreciation. Often times my Mom will look at me and say "you look like your Dad", especially when I smile. I read a quote which read: "There is no elevator in healing. You have to take the stairs." I felt that, I don't know how you heal from grief; maybe that's a topic for therapy? Is it even possible to heal from grief? Or do you just go through the cycle until your last day?

Today I choose to be happy to have known him, past Father and Daughter, but as friends. He was my best friend; I could talk to him about anything and I did. This year I don't know how I'll spend Father's Day, but I do know that he remains in my heart; thankfully there's no lump in my throat or hollow part in my chest, but I feel as if there may be tears at some point. Not tears of sadness, but tears nonetheless. I pray for those of us who have "lost" parent(s); there's no feeling like it and you don't know it until it happens. I pray you find peace and feel the love you shared at this time or find counseling or perhaps a support group if necessary. I pray as this time passes we can find the good and the joyful memories of what once was. I am reminded of an expression I shared in 2012 which was a time when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, slightly before I was taken off work and I thought I'd share it here now; the title is Daddy's Little Girl. I read that a few moments ago and it brought back so many memories of that time. I know as days go by I may have a rollercoaster of emotions, but I also know his words are with me and will bring a smile to my face if I allow them to rather than dwelling in the selfish thoughts of him not being here anymore.

I hope you all have a Happy Father's Day regardless of your circumstances and find the joy in the times you've had with your Father whether they are still with us or not. For those who may not know their Father I pray GOD sends you peace concerning your well-being;  unfortunately I don't have much more to say on the matter since that is not the case for me, but I wish you well during this time as I know for those in either situation these days may be a bit rough. If you are fortunate enough to have your Father in your life I pray you cherish him and show love especially now as we celebrate Dad's. My Dad always called me his angel, I feel now that he has become mine; maybe looking over me and sending me messages from another dimension or realm. That brings me comfort at times, knowing that his spirit is not gone, just his physical body. I don't know much about death as I don't remember any of mine; but I do know that in mourning you have to give yourself room to grieve and let go until it comes around again.

To all the Dad's I'd like to take this time to say "Happy Father's Day!'