no drafts

After much debate with myself I decided to re-publish the 225 drafts mentioned on the other blog. Initially I began re-reading various posts and at times cringing, but I left them; unedited. I figure that's the space I was in at the time and the words I chose to share so why edit? Also, how else could we see my growth as a woman or as a writer? How else would you relate to some of the things I share now without some point of reference? So there it is for you to experience and for me to revisit as necessary. Reflecting on the past expressions I notice I do not speak so freely regarding any of the lovers who may have gone or come, well in my own vague way perhaps. That's very noticeable especially with the expressions published in 2010, from the few entries I read I was in love yet the lover had gone and I was heartbroken. I am happy to say that is not the case any longer; I am fully, totally and completely over him (🥳). I wrote most in 2012, which is interesting because I wrote more in the month of September which is when I experienced and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I am not in a space to revisit those entries just yet, but I intend to only to see where I was as opposed to where I am now.

I will admit, I didn't really like the way I ended the post comfort zones; as it suggested being close to someone would cause depression and/or frustration and that is not the case. I think I may have rushed the end and not fully expressed what I was thinking; blame sleepiness. I recall when I would sit and write then publish the same day and lately I've been doing that rather than taking days, weeks or months to complete an expression; so I wanted to do that with the above mentioned post and as a result I feel as if the ending wasn't my best. Nevertheless, that's how we learn and improve; by taking those chances and going for it without judgment which is what I felt I did. I've rescheduled my radio show from Sunday to Saturday, allowing my good friend to showcase his talents on Father's Day. I feel good about that, it's only right for a father to have the day so I'm sure it will go splendidly. Aside from looking forward to the show I don't have any plans for Father's Day just yet; I think I'm going to chill and smoke, maybe have a drink and remember the good times with my Dad. 

The idea of Father's Day took me out so I took some time away from writing to listen to a friends radio show, rest and cook dinner; I ate on my patio to spend time with the Super Full Moon and it was lovely. Yesterday I said I wish I were at the beach watching the waves, but looking at the position of the Moon it wouldn't be possible to see both at the same time so I am glad to be able to see the Moon in all her beauty. As I am reminded to release the things no longer serving me I am doing so with each exhale and taking in my intentions with each breath. I feel a bit of tension throughout my body, but thankfully I learned today that my insurance covers acupuncture; so I intend to schedule a session for the near future. The music plays and takes me to another space, I feel like abandoning my thoughts and diving into my heart. Trouble with that is, I am a bit afraid of what I'd find there; I feel so many emotions in the present moment that my heart feels full. Dreamflower by Tarika Blue plays and I want to dance in the fields like a hippie would with flowers in my hair. 

I am proud of myself for publishing everything on both blogs leaving no drafts; that's never been the case. So I want to take the time to say "Thank you!" for those of you who have taken the time to read some of my older expressions. I also want to take a moment to say Thank you!" for the friend requests on Facebook; however that page is strictly for my family. Please feel free to follow my blog pages King Kamille and The World Outside My Window or my social media feeds: @KingKamille3. I appreciate all of you for the kind words, likes, messages, etc. It encourages me to continue on my path even on the days I may not write or share my thoughts I know at some point I will and I look forward to your feedback. Now Beyoncé is singing "Once in a Lifetime" from the Cadillac Records soundtrack and the lyric "you're a dream, but I'm wide awake" speaks to me and again I wish I were close to someone, I feel lonely; something I've rarely felt. I remember my Dad used to speak about feeling lonely and I didn't understand it at the time, but now I do; so completely. Wishing I had someone to share certain moments with or to talk to; maybe exchange a caress or kisses, simple things like that which you don't think matters until they do.

Reminds me of a caption I read on Facebook, Sacred Dreams page which read:

To the Masculine: hold her.

You have the opportunity to heal a father wound, a society wound, a former partner wound. Hold her in your arms, in your strength, in your unwavering presence. You will need to do this again and again and again. Don’t get frustrated. Don’t close. Please. Feel your Love for her. Not trying to save her. Attune to how incredibly strong your woman is, and honor her little girl whose needs weren’t met. She is grappling with this right now. You holding her with unconditional Love and safety is healing her entire nervous system because you’re helping her to imprint something new. Yes, your presence is that powerful.

Claim her.

To the Feminine: let him hold you.

As you breathe in his arms, keep softening your body. I know it wants to stay closed because that feels safer, but try, slowly, to open. Feel how safe you are, even if it’s just for this moment. Feel his strength and devotion to you and your healing. Yes, it is safe to soften into him. He’s got you. He wants you. Don’t think about the what ifs, stay in the now, with him. Allow your body to speak to him. Soften, open, and make contact with him. Acknowledge his devotion with your touch. He sees you, as you are, and is saying “yes” to all of you. Take that in. This is what you’ve always wanted, it’s here, don’t miss it.

Receive it.

Receive him.

Makes me think about sacred intimacy; something we don't hear about enough, I think sex is simple, but intimacy requires a bit more. I've been trying to occupy my time with various activities so that I don't dwell on the loneliness; so far so good. Well, its only been about a day; so I can't celebrate anything just yet. I'm currently reading a book titled "The Energy of Emotions: The 10 Emotional Environments and How They Shape the World Around Us" by Emily Maroutian; it speaks about many different emotional states however loneliness doesn't seem to be one of them so I've been reading about boredom which is something I feel quite often and I believe they may be connected so I am attempting to learn more about it so I can transmute the energy into something more positive and creative. I'll keep you posted on my progress. Until next time. Be well.