comfort zones

"the inspiration you seek is already within you. be silent and listen"

Rumi

I created a playlist and started a radio station on an app called Amp; I surprised myself and had a lot of fun. I find myself to be in introvert so public speaking is clearly not my favorite thing to do, but this was easy. I think I need to find more to say however allowing the music to speak for me was helpful. I cooked with a strain called Berry Pie which is said to have the effect of talkativeness so I'll be doing something else with that as I broadcast my next show (scheduled for Sunday). As I spoke on current view about experiencing new fruit; I am happy to find another creative outlet to express myself. I'd like to take a moment to thank one of my best friends for introducing me to the arena of broadcasting. Who would've thought I'd actually do a show? I know I didn't. I'm glad I did because that took away a fear that was holding me back in some way, now that I've done it once I know that I can do it again. 

I like the above quote because Rumi just gets me, I often speak of inspiration leaving me as if it is an external component to my writing when in actuality inspiration is already within you; it's just a matter of tuning into it. I've come to so many realizations within the past few days, thoughts I've changed my mind about; music I no longer relate to, etc. I know I use this word a lot, but it's growth! As I am nearly six (6) months into my new age I am learning things that I've outgrown or no longer serving me to my highest good and to my surprise I am not resisting it, just allowing it to flow naturally. That's also something that is new to me, not resisting changes and allowing my higher self to direct me. I have some trust issues which has spilled over into my trust in myself, often second guessing my choices and/or decisions. However I am slowly beginning to feel secure in my trust of myself and my intuition allowing me to find less anxiety when dealing with things. Anxiety is a funny thing now, after developing anxiety disorder nearly ten (10) years ago I've gone through various stages in it; I feel I've even gone through the seven (7) stages of grief. Grieving the life I lived pre-anxiety disorder. 

I was comfortable then; working, going out with friends, etc. I've finally came to terms with the working part and beginning to build a new social circle which has been quite supportive. I was able to have a session with my therapist today and it went well; I was able to express some things that are not for the blogs or social media and gain some clarity. I like speaking with her because she's very encouraging and supportive with the things I share with her. Our sessions are sporadic, mainly because I'm in a space where I don't necessarily need therapy weekly; sometimes monthly is fine. I'm taking time during the Super Full Moon to do some introspection to see the areas that are comfort zones for me and see ways to step out of them. I think that may be the first step, identifying them to begin with. I know public speaking is stepping out and will somehow help with my writing and the courage to write an actual book. My thought is that I'll take those drafts and. combine them or extend them into chapters. I feel as if that's less overwhelming than thinking of a book idea and writing it from scratch. 

As I sit here listening to Mermaid by Sade I am yearning for a trip to the beach, especially during the Super Full Moon. I went outside to be with the Moon for a bit; I'm in a mood so it helped in a way only it could. Now I'm back inside, but wishing I were somewhere else. That's the thing with bipolar disorder, your moods really do change up in a blink of an eye. I want to scream, but I don't even think that would help at this point. I intend to allow the music to shift my mood and so far it's just making me want to be close to someone and that's not helpful at all. I'm not going down that train of thought because I know depression comes with it and possibly more frustration. Nevertheless, as I bring my day to an end I want to focus on the good and things that I am grateful for. I like to go to sleep with gratitude in my heart and peace of mind. The Moon gave that to me in those few moments we spent together. So goodnight, I hope you had a beautiful day and have a wonderful week ahead. Until next time...