transparency: here again

I've sat in front of a blank screen for hours; with random thoughts running through my mind while the music plays and the smoke fills the air. I took a detour down "memory lane" reading older expressions from this blog as well as the other. A few days ago when I initially thought of writing the thought of being transparent came to mind, after completing this weeks tasks and rescheduling appointments I had time to search my blogs for the use of the word "transparency" and was happily surprised with the results of what I've shared on the topic. After making minor changes to the blogs these words appeared on the page with no known direction of where this expression is going. Many observations have occurred since my last expression on the blog, my Dad's birthday along with the fact I registered for a couple courses for the Fall semester [I was preparing to return next school year, then boredom happened]. I find myself a bit distracted as I attempt to quiet myself to find the words to share. 

While on the train of thought of transparency I read a quote from the expression "Transparency: A Journey" stating:

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

Since returning to college I have taken a closer look at the future I am creating and finding the next path within higher learning to achieve my goal. I am about 1/3 of the way to that chapter, leaving much time to plan, coordinate, and dream. While the thought of transferring to complete my undergraduate goals I feel as if I should begin applying in the very near future. The thought of such is a bit intimidating, in the sense of the anxiety that comes to mind with making life altering decisions. Choosing to see this next step as brave and courageous as I am chasing the life I want. Interestingly enough I am remembering my teenage self when I initially began college and chose Psychology as my major; many Moons passed and upon returning to college I again chose Psychology as my major until this last time choosing English. I admit when doing so my only objective was to become a better writer for the blogs and the book- not thinking of choosing a career path or that it was an option. With the return to therapy I decided to return to my passion in the realm of knowledge and becoming. I've always had a passion for Psychology and Philosophy; to learn of the interworking of the mind mixed with the metaphysical aspects of the soul and how it chooses to express itself.   

The house is quiet allowing me to revisit some thoughts I've had regarding the career path I am deciding on and what I want my life to look like in the coming years; as I approach a milestone age. Thinking heavily about the next 5 years and where I see myself at that time, entering grad school; which is the plan thus far. I only pray my health allows me to accomplish the milestones it will take to get there. Without feeling sadness when the topic of death or dying entered the conversation, simply acknowledging my current reality with the ailments and conditions I face in this lifetime. I am currently taking a course on Gerontology in relation to aging and the life course. This week part of an assignment was to complete a "life expectancy" calculator, doing so made me think of myself through the years to come, how I'd like to look and what I would like to achieve. The idea of being healthy and thriving with far less challenges than I find myself with these days. The idea that I've come full circle with the 17 year old young woman I once was. 

Being in college as a Psychology major and doing well was far from my reach at that time, life was coming at me fast around that time; no longer dealing with little girl issues; the late teenage/ young adult years of my life were tough- to say the least. By 19 I was with child and left behind the goals of completing college and beginning a career of my choosing. Many avenues and career paths have come and gone in these years yet here I am a bit wiser from experience as well as the challenges of life provoking bravery, courage, and the creative ability to weave these new goals into the fabric of where I find myself today seamlessly. The transition has seemed to flow effortlessly, with the necessary resources to aid with reaching each goal. In the years past I chose Psychology as my major yet I had no direction of where I wanted to go with that degree or how I'd get there. Thankfully I chose courses which were necessary for such major; so that time was not a complete waste where I'd be truly starting from scratch.

The idea of being "here again" comes to mind, although I am a bit further along than I was all those years ago in college, I feel as if I am at that fork in the road of completing college and diving into a career I love; while managing said ailments and conditions. I used the expression "fork in the road" yet as I think of the other path nothing came to mind. A knowing that the path I've chosen is the only path for me is refreshing, allowing me to ask if I've found my purpose? Perhaps there is no fork just yet, seeing how I know the path in my heart through a particular aspect of the goal. The part I have yet to discover would be the "job title" of my desires; I believe I have an idea, but I am not 100% certain that is the right path for me. While there are many factors in deciding on such I have not fully found what I absolutely want to do. However, I do know how I want to feel and some things I'd like to see; like homeownership, experiencing travel to new destinations and milestones with loved ones. 

It's as if I have another opportunity to make the desires of that 17 year old young lady come true. With the wisdom of life experience and a better understanding of the person I see as my "higher self" blooming into being. I feel closer to being her than I did all those years ago when I first began the blogs and social media to express myself in what I categorize as my creative self. The thought of sleep enters my mind and I feel as if I should listen to the desire to dream for my younger self. In this moment I believe I know the way through that fork and what's the next path as far as a career choice. I'd rather not reveal the full plan at this time out of privacy for my future self. I even had a thought or a vision of myself as a published author, book in hand and a smile on my face. The idea of dreams coming true being possible and the belief that it is =[possible] makes me recognize my own growth and how some perspectives have changed over the years. As the Sun begins to rise I realize a dream is exactly what I'd like right now.

Until next time...

it all comes in waves

Nina Simone, a good hybrid, and a Sunday morning; all that's missing is the setting. Home or the beach? or a hike? As she declares "here comes the Sun" I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be as the mood is tranquil and quiet. I took a detour from writing to refresh my nails for today's outing of errands and quality time with loved ones. It doesn't seem like the first day of Autumn, perhaps during the day, but you feel the chill in the air in the evening and night.  As I think of the days to come I remind myself to bring the Fall wardrobe to the forefront as the days begin to feel like the evening. The sounds of Aretha Franklin, Sarah Vaughan, and Dionne Warwick adds to the feelings I am experiencing, feeling empowered from knowledge of the energy that I intend to create for myself in the season that is upon us.

Anxiety is ever-present however, I am choosing to ignore it for the time being. Using techniques learned throughout the many years of therapy I am calm and eager to get my day started. I'm not good with being patient, suddenly I feel as if I'm in a scene from my personalized "Groundhog Day" with a song playing multiple times throughout the playlist, so much so that I had to contemplate if I wanted to hear it again. Then I thought how it brings me back to the writing after the music had me drifting off into thoughts and feelings. Shifting through the mixture of thought, feelings, emotions, beliefs and the like; I don't quite recognize as I feel as if something may have shifted as time went from night to day. 

Monday evening and it's been a busy day, the atmosphere is noisy and a bit unpleasant so I've smoked and turned the music up kind of loud. I ate peanut butter and now eczema has entered the conversation. Worse than the itch is the tickle, I'm extremely ticklish and it is so embarrassing at times; such as in front of a cute doctor. That happened last week, I played it off well although I wish it had never happened. Quite a few appointments this week and I'm already tired. Due to the temporary vision impairment I have chosen not to drive at night, unfortunately I've smoked the last of the joints I had so it's either drive in the dark or wait until morning. Of course, I'm waiting until morning; so I have to find a good dispensary that opens in the early morning hours since I am leaving at a specific time to make my appointment. 

Oh, I forgot to mention; I took an assessment a few days ago and to my surprise the results stated I should be a writer. I found that interesting as the questions were multiple choice and the inside of my heart was shown. I suppose I had found the commitment to writing I thought I needed to recognize the meaning of writing, for me. It's Tuesday morning and I noticed I have been doing the therapy assignment without even realizing, as I've been writing daily even if it's a small amount that makes it to the page. It's still a bit early so I'm attempting to create the mood for the day seeing how it's a little light as I only have one appointment today then I can find something fun to do. Maybe take a trip to the beach since it's been so long since I've been there. 

After the nap and dinner it was too late to visit the beach, so I suppose that'll be an adventure for tomorrow. The great news of today is that my vision is improving with each day and I am ecstatic about that! As I was trying to find my way back to vision without impairment I found myself depressed by the words of the initial doctor, I was asked for a survey yet I declined; there's no point in saying how dissatisfied I was with the service of the doctor while the nurses [who were amazing] get little to no recognition. It's been a little over a month and to see so much progress is nothing short of a miracle. Seeing how the doctor said my vision would be permanently impaired and I am glad so say no one else shared his opinion neither has that been the case. 

As I await an inspiration for a title as well as a direction for this expression the music is sending me on an adventure where I feel as if I should be in motion; either in a dance or exercise. The room is quiet and the scents of reefer fill the room, it's intense and thick, just how I like it. The happenings within the Cosmos has my energy a little all over the place. I begin to think of how I am glad days are going by within the writing as opposed to months or years even. It's "hump day" in the early morning and I am feeling a bit restless; it's too early to do much of anything, but I'm tired of sleeping. There was a point in time where I wanted to sleep this life away; praying to wake up in a higher frequency or a different dimension. Longing for a life not built on survival, but love, knowledge, and abundance [or things along that nature].

To live a life so different from the life of your dreams can feel exhausting; it's as if you're striving for a space in this life that you cannot seem to reach. As time goes by turning from days to years I aspire to be closer to my dreams yet to no avail. I worked on the book this morning and I find it coming along well, I was a bit intimidated before today and I am unsure why. I suppose thinking of what happens next is what did it, perhaps it's time to revamp those dreams however, it's believed that one should "dream big" but what about the little dreams? The dreams of tolerable conditions, having certain hardships and looking for a way to improve various situations at once is also exhausting. Juggling physical health issues, mental health issues while living life as well as planning for an unsure future. 

This may be the second time I've had to re-evaluate my dreams and access how "realistic" they were, only to have the same dreams; I feel it is my passion to live this life yet I have yet to achieve them so far. Then I think, what is realistic? Great things happen for people every day; why wouldn't I be worthy of those same or better blessings? Living to survive is not a life, finding myself desiring a life that's focused on the betterment of myself as well as my environment. Today was the first time I thought about the betterment of my environment; usually my surroundings are a bit further from the city. These past couple of years in the city I grew up in has brought about certain thoughts of discovering the memories of things I've forgotten. It's like boxes in the attic or basement- some storage area; where the dust has settled and memories are held in a time capsule. 

Reminicing over pictures and funnily enough, my hair is now the same style and texture as it was when I was a baby. I text my beautician to consult on a way to style and grow it evenly as it continues to grow out. Season's are changing and all I can think about is my next birth date and what I would like to be doing, I have yet to settle on a plan. I thought perhaps I'd get a notebook of sorts and jot thoughts or ideas of how I would like the future to look and feel. I skimmed an article about a woman who married herself and was requesting a divorce. I found that fascinating, only because this journey I find myself on I feel married to myself, in the sense of being my sole provider of happiness, survival, and all that those entail. However, the thought to quit on myself was never an option; as if you could seriously divorce yourself. Maybe on paper, but in the grand scheme of things we're all stuck with ourselves.  

So the goal for now is to be healthier as in the betterment of my physical health and fitness. Now that my vision is improving I am intending to begin the gym in the next couple of months. I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist as well as my therapist tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to both appointments. I have yet to make it to the beach, but I intend to go there soon; except for the weekend due to there being too many people there during the day and I am unable to drive at night. for now. At times I think I may be feeling as if I want things to be idealistic as opposed to the reality of the way things are. I suppose that's where I've gotten stuck, are things supposed to be realistic or idealistic? 

2 Moons

“She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the moon, but it must be a strong one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane.”

Paulo Coelho

It's after 2 am and sleep is no where in sight, I figure I'd put the fingers to the keyboard and see what comes of it. Today is a "big" day as I have an appointment with a specialist for my vision issue and I am hopeful to learn what exercise or methods will be discussed for healing. Although I know there are more test to be done, I am seeing progress with my vision in my daily routine of things. I am attempting to condition myself to smoke less refeer when I'm writing as at times it holds me back from the train of thought. Prior to typing those words I had a thought to light this joint that I feel staring at me from aside the laptop. Finding blindspots in my self are a bit scary at times, to know there is something there and you can't see it due to some impairment is something I am ready to say that experience is over. Then I remember why I'm smoking and I drift off to something else.

Another distracting device would have to be my cellphone, at times when I want to share something a little deeper than usual I find myself picking up my phone and scrolling or doing something that takes my mind away from the thoughts being formulated in my mind. I'm working on that; I want to get to a place in my writing where I don't type five or six paragraphs before finding my point of the expression. I would rather not smoke the joint because my desire is to be asleep soon, I dislike smoking just to fall into my dreams; it feels like a "waste" because aside from the adventure in those dreams nothing more is being created. Or perhaps that's the beauty of having elevated dreams?

Joint will be saved for my "wake & bake" session at a later time of the morning and I am going to retire into my dreams...

A day or 2 have gone by and I found myself scrolling rather than diving into my heart to gather the words to share. I've been faced with a hell of a lot of challenges in the past 15 years and now I have a better understanding as to why. These retrogrades can really change the trajectory of one's life. For example: a car accident or manic episodes of a mental illness. Perhaps intuition is influenced by the happenings of the Cosmos? When I read of Pluto leaving the sign of Capricorn [my Sun sign] after 15 years makes a lot of sense when it comes to the challenges I've faced within that span of time. I've been saying I'd take this time to view things as a rebirth and this seems like the perfect time to do that, create an era of romanticized experiences from this point until the next. 

With the Super Full Moon and her effects in addition to Pluto's transit, I feel as if there is a recipe for success and I am gathering the ingredients. Leaning into my intuition as opposed to attempting to dissect the meaning of everything rather than having the vision to see what the story is telling.  That goes back to when I mentioned being more intentional with this life in a previous expression. Going into the final quarter of 2024 causes me to prepare for 2025 with hopes of an abundance of betterment, in every aspect. I was fascinated when I learned for a brief time Earth will have "2 Moons" until I was disappointed to find that it is an astroid that can't be seen on Earth [if I'm not mistaken]. 

I've been reading notes and expressions from the past and I am astonished by the words I shared, even moreso by the words I kept private. Which brings me to the subject of the latest "homework" from therapy; keep a journal for 21 days writing what comes to mind for that day even if it's brief. I have yet to write anything for that, I don't know how it slipped my mind. Nevertheless I found it interesting that she'd suggest to keep a journal after speaking of beginning a private blog and in alignment with things I've been sharing with you all. Someone mentioned the book a day or 2 ago and I was reminded to take a look at the progress to see the direction I'd like to go in. 

The thought of beginning again comes to mind, then I ask myself "is that a stall tactic keeping me from completing the book?" The idea of beginning a new book from another perspective comes to mind so I think to put that in my notes even though I have not figured out what perspective it is. The idea of having a handwritten journal dedicated to the next 21 days and actually doing things worthy of mention. There's so many things I want to do now, before I was always waiting for all the stars to align for everything as if there isn't a concept of "do it anyway". With the exception of illness, the obstacles in the way of that vacation or adventure can be worked out to create a life of happiness. It took me getting ill to recognize the times in my life that I did not go on the vacation because I felt like my career was more important than relaxation. In those days I thought so many different things that I no longer view as such. 

Had I taken chances in my relationships perhaps that would look different as well. The things I know now and am able to connect together for understanding. I suppose I don't need to be so rigid in thinking I must have a specific journal for my private thoughts seems a bit unnecessary in this moment. I intend to sit and reflect on the days since 2008; the set up for anxiety disorder and it's friends... However, that's a story for another day.

There are some things I regret from those years, but for the most part I made the best decisions based on the information I had at the time. I feel as if that's reasonable, because how do you know you don't know, until you know? Once you know, the situation typically has been decided upon and either it was beneficial or unfortunate based upon the outcome. The thing is, sometimes the outcome doesn't manifest until many years later; I've experienced that a few times. The steps leading me to these illnesses I don't know what's on the other side of these challenges, but I look forward to finding out. I feel as if I am coming out of a fog, where the things of the past no longer matter as I am in the now creating a future of my dreams. 

In my mind I thought to rewind my memories to see where I stumbled off the path or took a misstep and I think of smoking and how I began smoking cigars then cigarettes; it was out of necessity. There was stress based on a few factors such as the career I refused to take a break from causing a mental health break down resulting in the discovery of anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. Then you have psychosis from disorders presenting as manic while smoking sativa religiously. The recipe for disaster, well the inhale and exhale of the cigar created a false sense of relaxation. for me. It was as if smoking offered a sense of relief although it may have done more harm than good. These days I no longer smoke cigars or cigarettes, but I want to. Smoking hybrid has a different effect than sativa, more mellow and at times introspective as it blends the cerebral and spiritual aspects of the cannabis to the forefront of my being.  

Another day has come and gone, after 2 am again and the music and refeer are both loud. It's funny I've been saying "vibe" when referring to the atmosphere from my thoughts, the music, the strain choice, and the feelings. Sparks fire within my brain and I think of how I don't use that word in real life. Then again my memory is bad so maybe I have and don't remember?  The more I see progress with this vision issue I can find ways to be grateful and thankful in the sense of how my body finally has my attention and I am willing to make more changes to my lifestyle. As I age I feel as if I am embracing my idea of a hippie lifestyle, I want to look and feel my best now that I have the wisdom and desire to live a life I've dreamt of.

As the night turns to day I am in a space where I truly desire to exercise and reach some goals I've made for myself. The trouble seems to be motivation to do it alone. I had another set of scans yesterday and I am still feeling the effects of the contrast. After seeing the specialist I felt even more hopeful with the healing of my vision until I learned that the next phase of this process has a 4 month wait. I intend to make some calls Monday, hopefully I can get a closer date and have the tools I need to begin the next era of my journey. The idea of my birth date being in approximately 4 months makes me think of my mortality and what the next life has for me. I pray to keep the knowledge I have now in an attempt to avoid various mishaps in this lifetime. 

I guess this 2nd Moon coming is in a blindspot and simply because we can't see her doesn't mean she's not there doing her magic to make dreams come true. My relationship with the Moon seems to be one of the most intimate relationships I have. The concept of God and creation comes to mind and how miraculous creation is. I read recently a saying that miracles are when prayers are answered; I resonated with that because I've always considered prayer as talking to God while meditation is listening for God, but I never considered God answers thus "a miracle". I'm looking for a few miracles these days. finally understanding the concept of "blood, sweat and tears." as I've given them all through this battle with my life as it currently is. I try not to go the route of entitlement speaking of what I believe I deserve rather being in the approach of desiring the things of my heart for sentimental reasons. 

Like, I look forward to aging on my front porch with a cocktail, some reefer, Rocko and a good friend having random conversations or sitting in a comfortable silence. The idea of growing old makes my heart smile like never before. With the exception of of a few major things, life is good. Good in the sense of not wanting to end here, I feel like I have more living to do. As 420 is exactly an hour away I began to debate if I should lit another joint or return to my dreams? 

paint them all

Feeling the effects of the Super Full Moon approaching; and seemingly in alignment with the principle of this time, as I have been writing about intuition, manifestation, dreams, etc. seeing how it is synchronized within my being. In the mood for exercise, when I speak with my physician I'll have that discussion, until then I think I'll relax and keep my attention on healing [physically as well as spiritually]. Emotionally, I am in a space where I may be able to distinguish the thoughts and feelings to share with you all and those that should remain private. It came to me suddenly as I as writing this expression. As I began to battle within about a decision so simple, as a matter of a location and if I am obligated to invite someone or if I can enjoy it alone? The word choice of obligation is interesting as it suggests I am responsible for anyone other than myself [and Rocko].

For sake of showing my age, I am an "empty nester", so who other than my emotional support animal am I responsible for? The origin of these thoughts showed up in therapy last week, thinking how guilt consumes me when I put myself first. I won't go any deeper into that however, I will say that is something boundaries can resolve; I believe. As [technically] an only child with one child I find the memories of my youth being called selfish or some other concept without context that inferred something being "wrong" with putting oneself first and to be selfless at all points. Which [along with other factors] leads to a stroke and other ailments while in my mid-40's. 

It's unfortunate it took all of this to catch my attention; causing me to slow down long enough to allow my body to hear the screams coming from within. I am thankful to have caught the cancer very early on as well as having a very minor stroke; both could have been much further along seeing how I'd been so "busy" I was neglecting certain things within. I am grateful for another chance of reaching my dreams, knowing the "testimony" of others who have experienced similar circumstances and bouncing back better than before in a lot of cases gives me inspiration. The idea of writing my testimony in real time comes to mind, as if we are all waiting for the plot twist and the win's to begin. 

Recognizing the tension in my body and wondering how I got this way; so uptight and unable to relax. I remember when it began, shortly before the anxiety attack in 2012, it built up to a point it created such tension that I exploded so to speak. I do not wish to find that space again, so I am attempting to manage it and allow it to release into some other energy. I want to go to the beach and put my feet in the water, unfortunately Southern California beaches are not the place for such. 

I think I'm bored.  

I learned this time with the Super Full Moon and other placements within the solar system the time suggests for karmic balance. The thing is, I don't quite believe in karma; although I understand that none of us are perfect at time it seems as if karma can be too harsh on some and too lenient on others in my opinion. As if there isn't much balance in it to begin with; I figure the "time should represent the 'crime'" so to speak. But it comes across as unfair. Favoring some while really punishing others. I don't like the idea of karma and its haphazard way of discipline. 

The song says "ooh, hey/ I'm trying to decide/ which way to go/think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere" as Erykah Badu sings of decisions and alternate endings from my interpretation. I feel that in my soul, as it is again in alignment with my subject matter as of late. I've been thinking a lot about dreams and where I'd like to see myself in the near as well as distant future. Aside from being alive, I want to be living; not simply existing. I desire my quality of life to be gentle and kind, surrounded by love.   

A month post- stroke, and not the good kind; I feel as if I have entered a new era of my life. An era of boundaries, true self- care and self-love; not just the words but the actions as well. I desire to shed more pounds while toning up and becoming more shapely. I desire for my hair to continue growing thick, long and healthy as it once was. Along with other mini goals about the physical that come to mind. Financially, I want to do more of what I've begun; taking my finances to a higher level. Emotionally, I desire to pour out my heart in therapy and shuffle through what's there; healing the Kamille who needs more love. Spiritually, I desire to be closer and more understanding of my Creator. Like the song declares, "a closer walk with thee" or the poem "footprints" as through the hardest times God carries us rather than us walking alone.

I had to remember that some time ago, realizing although physically it may seem as if I am alone, God has been with me every step of the way; encouraging me to continue. I feel as if I have yet to fulfill my purpose therefore how can I leave? I made sure to gather some information in regard to life insurance and what I currently have with the exception of a few changes. I am somewhat pleased yet the advance directive still needs some blanks filled in. 

There was a time I had no interest in the things I find interesting, I know that is a symptom of depression. I am now in a space where I am finding interest in those things again, just in time for some major shake up's in the Cosmos. Scrolling Instagram I see a tarot spread for the Full Moon that caused me to stop scrolling briefly; the question was "what am I trying to 'escape'?" and I thought of that as I had daydreams about relaxing on a tropical beach with my friend, a cocktail, a book or journal and my thoughts. Thinking perhaps I am attempting to escape my hidden feelings, thoughts and emotions. The ones that play in the subconscious and show up in certain behaviors unexpectedly.

Another question asked was "what hidden emotions are being illuminated right now?" I read that after writing the above thoughts. The emotion that comes to mind is loneliness, I feel isolated although at times I am surrounded by people. Interestingly enough the song that's playing is titled "Solitude" by The Red Garland Quintet, putting me in a space of freedom. The freedom to rest or embrace what I am feeling and how it is manifesting. It's not quite the attitude of being alone per se, but more of a feeling from within. 

Blue nails and a colorful dress is the attire of the day, honoring the final days of Summer; with Autumn soon approaching I want to begin with more season appropriate colors. I had to wear a sweater this evening to put it into context, California Fall is beautiful in its own way; surprisingly feeling like Spring from time to time. Debating on this next joint, to my surprise this random hybrid strain is doing what I wanted it to do; make me feel relaxed and uplifted. Feeling encouraged to stay until the job is done or the goals have been reached. 

The idea of writing goals comes to mind and I realize I wrote a few above, another idea was to beginning the book for real this time. The idea of where to begin comes to mind and I think should I begin with a deadline in mind may be the way to go. The music is random and the vibe I have feels a bit of scattered energy with sprinkles of another feeling I don't quite understand. Looking at a list of emotions, the word enchanted stuck out the most and as my lover and I text I discover the reason I resonated with that more than anything else...

If you're familiar with my other blog you are aware of my feelings toward vulnerability. The thought of the level of vulnerability I have expressed within these past few expressions make me proud of the growth. Finally found the space where the negative, overly critical voices of people I know are no longer stopping me from writing my truth. The limiting beliefs that have been around since childhood; the highly critical parents, teachers, friends, etc. Hearing their voice when you are about to step out on a ledge toward something new, different, or loving. 

I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow, I completed the assignment and I feel good about that. So much so that it inspired me to complete this expression that began about a week ago. I lit the joint; in what I like to call "my hippie space" where I feel heavy yet as if I could float away at any moment. I keep putting the joint out as I am pacing my self as I feel as if I am reaching in the direction of my higher self. Awaiting the day that she and I are truly one. Curious to know why the thought that I am not already her surprises me as I realize inward I am her; I suppose I am simply looking forward to when that is expressed on the outside.

My friend and I share pictures often and after sharing baby through adolescent phones we noticed how at times I show the same facial expressions or how my style is somewhat the same with the bracelets and polka dots. With the exception of the weight I guess that could be true; it's just the way I see myself and the way I am seen differs leaving me to realize that in some ways that should change. The way I view myself and the areas in myself where the esteem isn't as "high" as other areas. That however is for the moderate or long term when it comes to goals, right now I am thinking of taking it piece by piece until I understand it's roots and heal the whole branch [so to speak]. 

How do you measure beauty? Based on the past or the here and now? I was very pretty in my standard of beauty until I gained weight, but now that the pounds are shedding I have to reimagine what beautiful or pretty is. At this big age I have to see the beauty in myself in order for someone outside of myself to do the same. The quote goes "people can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves", meaning how can I desire to reach a depth with my lover or friends and family that I have yet to experience for myself? My desire is to get to a depth of vulnerability with myself that I have been afraid to allow space for thus far. My referral is for quite a bit of sessions as it has been a while since I've been in therapy; another thing I am looking forward to; unpacking the memories I have and truly letting go of the ones I've forgotten. 

My nails match my dress and I feel very "girly" and Summer-y even though it is now night and the Full Moon is on display. The Sun truly played a part in my enjoyment today which is rare for me as I feel as if it may betray my love for the Moon; knowing deep within that it doesn't. The idea to repaint my nails comes to mind and I think this time I must paint them all and not just on my hands. The excuse to way I never polish my own nails is because my boobs and belly prohibited me from reaching and doing a good job when in actuality I just prefer being pampered. I feel as if I should do more of that, pampering myself and really recognizing all of the areas and ways I've neglected myself and do a better job at spreading love from within.

118

  "what if I told you I'm incapable of tolerating my own heart?"

Virginia Woolf

It was the end of August [this year] when I began this expression, some others flowed at a different rate and were published at the time of being written. This one had a quote by Virginia Woolf which needed some time to dissect That's how I came across another Woolf quote which I wrote to, "beautiful dreamer" I mentioned being in an unfamiliar space and embracing myself; I suppose to a new depth that without saying I've never experienced before. It wasn't until it [the quote] was fully understood that I was somewhat able to begin with how I interpreted the words and how they resonated with me. 

118 is a special number for me as it represents the month and day of my birth, as the 1 signifies new beginnings and 8 is for abundance or luck; all together allowing for the ability to manifest dreams and the like. I notice a lot of alignment in my life yet the results as far as lucky manifesting not so much. I don't understand where the breakdown is, I just know there is one. Seeing how yesterday was "positive thinking day" according to National Day Calendar I thought to spend some time with the homework given in my last therapy session and ponder the dreams of my life as they are now. 

This is the 118th expression on this blog, right around the time of this obscure "holiday" with a couple of weeks until October; which happens to be "positive attitude month". Along with Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a great deal of others. It is also my Dad's birthday; which I am still grieving as grieving goes. With the knowledge of these dates I feel as if I am being prepared to get to the other side of this time into the joy and happiness I am looking forward to experiencing. My Dad is the person who introduced me to numerology [indirectly]. He'd randomly text or call me at 1:18 in the afternoon and we'd chat; now when I see those digits I smile and think fondly of my Dad. 

To focus on positivity for the rest of September going into October knowing it is the goal to have a positive attitude; followed by a series of pleasant as well as unpleasant dates between now and the Love holidays in February [13th - 15th]. Add a [good] new therapist to the equation and I feel as if I am setting myself up for dreams to come true. It goes back to trusting my intuition rather than second guessing, hesitating, or flat out rebelling against it. For some time I've been afraid to follow my intuition as if I'd lose the grip I have on sanity. I have been afraid of a particular path I've experienced before and did not enjoy. An experience filled with unrequited love, hospitalizations and medication. 

Being on the "right path" can be scary and people [from my experience] don't talk about that enough. Today is "live creative" day which is suppose is why I felt the need to share a bit of my heart with you all. The song says "it's that love's in need of love today, don't delay, send your in right away" in this moment that song truly resonates with me. As I've shared recently, I think I need more love and I feel as if I am gathering the components to the recipe for a successful outcome. Said components would be a positive mind, an open heart, the appetite for better circumstances, a new/ challenging therapist and a bit of time. 

I think I am in a space where all things have been made equal in my life, as far as the need to refill my cups [mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually]. Letting go of some behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs; while embracing boundaries, accountability and new or improved beliefs.  It all comes down to beliefs really, like, because you believe xyz you have certain thoughts which manifests in particular behavior. I figure to change some behaviors I am not exactly happy with I am now allowing myself the freedom to grow and shed from things I've outgrown. I have never been in this space before, where I am mature enough to handle everything that I would like to improve.

I've been trying my best not to allow my old self, who could be quite the brat to have a tantrum with God about how "this isn't fair" or an attempt to challenge "what else could go wrong?". I am enduring what has become of my life and preparing as I follow my instincts to make things better. I've been doing self-prescribed exercises for my eyes and I am finding some progress as I await my appointment with an eye specialist. I am hopeful; the neurologist informed me that things should correct themselves and I need to allow it time to do so. That was helpful especially with the knowledge of how the body is always in the mode to repair itself. 

I'm feeling as if I am in my ugly duckling phase or perhaps a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. In my spirituality I have some questions, especially in regard to the King James Version of the Bible; but one reoccurring statement in various books speaks of how it is believed that God promised to restore things to people. I feel as if that is what my tears have been asking for, to be restored in a way that it is clear that God's guidance brought me from where I find myself  to a happy and healthy woman. I believe God will do just that and then some the challenge comes from the limiting beliefs we've been programed to believe that causes us to doubt our worthiness for God to do those things for us. 

I wasn't aware until recently of issues I have with self-esteem; I thought it was one thing not knowing it included some things I categorized as something else. I was not aware that being highly critical of yourself is a sign of low self-esteem; or thinking I need to "deserve" something as if I have to prove myself worthy of whatever, even if it is something insignificant. With raising my self- esteem along with changing some beliefs I feel as if I am putting myself in position to achieve what my heart desires. Being able to admit to an area I was blind to within myself is a bit humbling as I'd never put myself and low self-esteem in the same sentence. 

I missed 4:20 by 4 minutes, the joint was ready to be lit and the music was a great flow however, I was writing or updating my playlist. I keep going to light the joint, but I remember how I've been overdoing it a bit and should pace myself a little more. I recognize it can be a distraction at times as I am writing something and having deeper thoughts then talk myself out of sharing, thinking it's too personal. With the idea of creating another journal or blog just for myself seems not only tedious, but as if I'll get a little confused with what to share and what not to leaving me sharing nothing or oversharing. And we all know how I feel about oversharing...

I spoke before about tolerating things and at times to tolerate my own heart feels like a chore. Ironically it is an "assignment" therefore I suppose to tolerate it would take effort. I suppose as soon as I accept my intuition and trust her as she is my healed self leading me to the way in which I pray this journey finds me. That's a concept I am learning to believe for the way it resonates with me. Seeing how I am ready, willing and able to heal I can find my way. That's the best thing I thought of in quite some time if I do say so myself... Maybe learning to tolerate our own hearts is the way?

beautiful dreamer

"I am in the mood to dissolve into the sky."

Virginia Woolf

Biscotti Mints is an interesting strain, it's said to have creative effects; I say interesting because there's another Biscotti Mintz which I suppose is more well known. Having similar effects it feels like the s is better than the z, for me.  The uplifting and calming effects are much needed these days so I thought I'd sit here and see where the thoughts would take me. 

Discovering new strains or strains that have been around for a while, but are new to me is a bit exciting; mainly because I don't completely know what the experience will be. I am in good spirits, thanks to the reefer and availability of the necessary doctors I need to see in regard to my vision. I have yet to think of anything else to add to my gratitude list, but the ability to write has been major. 

Lately, with the talkativeness I felt as if I did not want to overshare anything without being vague. My writing used to be that way; always protecting my thoughts and my heart. In a recent conversation I was speaking with someone about the lottery; comparing how to know where to buy the winning ticket. I then remembered a time when I'd win consistently; not a large sum of cash, but each time I played I won something. Well that was up until I told that to a "friend" who is now a former one. 

It's not completely that I said it aloud, I think it was who I said it to; seeing how that person ultimately did not wish me well; looking for ways to see me fail. Once I recognized the end of the friendship I learned far more of what was going on "under my nose" which confirmed the friendship had died long ago. A ton of proverbs and quotes come to mind about mentioning good news to everyone because everyone isn't rooting for you. Some are able to disguise it better than others, but the bottom line is it causing me to question a few things.

I question how I am to manifest things if when I speak of the good things in my life they find an end. However... never mind. I thought of watching a comedy to further lift my spirits, but the thought of it makes me think I'd rather take a nap. Which I did, and now I am feeling a bit nostalgic; randomly a thought about a particular person came to mind and I wished her well in my thoughts. Nevertheless, the thought of dissolving into the sky like cotton candy sounds like an accurate description of how I think I feel right now. I'd be one of those pink clouds you see around Sun set.

Did I mention I accidentally bought flower instead of pre-rolls? Thankfully I found my bowls so I don't have to roll any joints or blunts. I am terrible at rolling joints, but blunts I can do. Trouble is smoking blunts may deepen my yearning for a cigarette. I've made a lot of changes this year, I intend to continue; even looking forward to the days I can visit the gym. I've been shedding pounds, that "hard to lose" weight has been coming off. Down about 40- 50 pounds since before the pandemic. I felt as if I'd met a plateau only to find the changes I made this year have been supportive of the weight I'd like to drop. 

I don't want to say "lose" because I don't want to "find" it again. I think of making a goal date to see the results and shape of my efforts. I need to consult with my doctor about beginning Maca Root supplements again. I don't know if the hormone regulation component will interfere with the regime I have in place as of now. I feel as if I've gotten off track... I love that time of day, when the Sun sets and the Sky turns all of these beautiful shades of blue, pink, yellow, orange, purple, etc. Especially when I'm sitting at the beach with a joint or a few and good music. At times I'll even look forward to good company as a bonus.  

Fun fact, I don't swim. I mention that because the idea of dissolving into the sky and becoming a cloud is what I imagine swimming would be. Gliding in the water while stretching my limbs fully and bringing them back just seems so freeing. I've taken swimming lessons in the past yet could not get past some biases I have about public pools. Thinking of the day I win the lottery... I almost did it again, shared a dream. I don't know what is going on with my ability to manifest good things into my life; and I don't want to dwell on the assumptions of what may be happening, 

I thought I was unfamiliar with the feelings I was experiencing, but I am not. I stumbled upon an expression from 2017 which offered some clarity to those emotions. Interestingly enough I was dealing with the necessity of an advanced directive in those days as well. If I'm not mistaken that may have been when it was introduced to the conversation of my health. As of today I have nearly completed it, which is a big deal. I have yet to nap for the day and I feel a bit elevated causing me to day dream of a home and a level of structure/ security/ stability that us Capricorn's require. 

I've thought of the dreams I can remember from the past few years and to be honest they are strangely similar. I've learned to keep some things private until they come to fruition and my beautiful dream is one of the only things I have right now that brings me joy. I am constantly finding things to be grateful for and that has been making each day better than the one before. Looking forward to the approaching appointments over the next couple of months, the anticipation of the outcome of my vision and the road to acceptance or a return to the "norm". 

I have been praying that it returns to the natural state of being, whole and healthy. The trouble lately has been in my smoke session(s), I feel as if I am smoking to tap into my Soul as well as to relax and unwind yet somehow I feel unproductive if I choose to nap after rather than finish a draft. It took writing that to understand that I also need to rest my eyes when necessary, at least until I have more information as to what has happened. 

Back on Cereal Milk while looking forward of the days I return to Cherry Slurpie, I miss that strain. A lot of time has passed since I began this expression and once again Cherry Slurpie is back on the menu. I feel a bit unfamiliar in my skin, something from within tells me that it has something to do with my first therapy session. I went in with intention and talking points of what I wanted to touch on at our first encounter. She was exactly what I needed and the proof was in the "homework"; I felt challenged and as if I wouldn't be given a gold star just for being there, I had to show up. Her questions provoked thought and encouraged me to go to a space within that may have been requesting attention for some time now.

I want to get to a space within that I have never been before or perhaps I've visited briefly; not long enough to settle in and make a "home". That was during a time when I was healthy, somewhat happy yet in tune spiritually. My abilities were so on point and then an anxiety attack. Unraveling my life like a thread on a sweater, nothing has been the same since and I feel as if after twelve years I had gotten too comfortable with my life then cancer and the stroke in less than twelve months. I noticed the twelve, twelve and seeing how I don't believe in coincidences I feel as if I should refresh my mind concerning the number in numerology. 

Speaking of paying attention to your intuition, spiritual growth, new beginnings and such making me feel as if it was truly a message for me to adhere to. It is believed that the number twelve also represents "completion" which causes me to think about the new beginning today brings. As it is the twelfth year of the anxiety attack that snowballed my life into what it is as of now in addition to the first day of therapy, I figure I'd use this date to rise out of the ashes and manifest a better situation for myself. My therapist brought up a good point today in how I stopped writing privately some time ago and without a therapist prior to today there's a lot of thoughts I choose not to share with you all. They are so personal I have gone all this time without sharing them with another person or friends that it is good to feel as if I can express them and find some insight to what they may have to offer on this side of the journey. 

It may be the reefer, but I feel a bit lighter than I did when I began this expression; as if I am dissolving into the sky on the level of unloading all of the things I've been carrying. Unknowingly weighed down by the past that I barely remember, the present that's kicking my ass and the future of my dreams. The idea of writing a private blog or journal came up and as I am thinking of it now; perhaps that's what I'm supposed to write in this book that I've been encouraged to complete. 

As I read my words and reflected on the session today, I see some similarities in my thoughts and the alignment  and harmony of therapy; as if I made a good choice.  I began this expression a week ago and I believe I've shared enough for now, although I would like to continue writing there are three other expressions to be worked out. Not to mention the private blog or book I am beginning in the very near future. I am committed to embracing myself and listening to my needs and wants for as long as I am here to do so. Accepting this journey has made me second guess a few decision I've made over the course of this life, but here I am so the question is where do I go from here? And how do I make better decisions? I believe with some new tools to overcome as opposed to tolerating a lot of what was weighing me down. 

Not only do I want to continue writing, I also want the music to continue and the vibe to spark a thought or two for the other drafts. I used to wish to be a musician; I even wanted to learn to play violin, unfortunately I was not in an environment which supported such activities. Aside from writing I want to find something to be passionate about and as I typed those words I thought that should be myself. To be passionate about myself; to dissolve into myself and float into the being I dream to be. I think that would be beautiful. 

I think you need love

"Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." 

William Shakespeare

I wrote an expression about adversity prior to learning this quote yet when I read it I knew it was the sentiment I wanted to capture. During a conversation recently I recognized the generations after the 1980's are different. I've longed for the moment I step fully into wisdom; I recall a time when I had young adults in my presence and I'd attempt to provoke thought and confidence. Life happened and we went our separate ways to later get a "Thank you..." email acknowledging the wisdom I'd instilled throughout our journey together. Wisdom to understand perhaps why things may not make sense, but are necessary. To embrace the uncomfortable is not an easy feat, especially when it feels as if life is knocking you around.

As George Bernard Shaw said: "youth is wasted on the young", to gain knowledge which turns to wisdom would be a great asset to have while you're young enough to benefit from it. Having wisdom late in life is great; at least it used to be, as you could educate the youth of the pitfalls and folly to avoid and helpful things like how to maximize opportunities. I may have overshared in the draft I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure; I just know I have doubts about publishing that one. I believe I am experiencing a phase of this life that blindsided me in a why I am trying to figure out. I am looking within and acknowledging the errors of this era, but I feel as if there may be more to this picture than I initially suspected. 

At least I pray it's a phase and I can come out of this with my dreams accomplished and a spirited story to share. I also may have over done it the past few days with the reefer. If not for the way I choose my strains I would probably be upside-down to some extent of the phrase. I feel like my inner-brat is peeking her head out trying to remind me of the days of old when I'd pout and stomp my feet for something to change [for the better]. I don't think the Universe responds to such behavior. I simply want this "trials and tribulations" section of the story to be over. Not suggesting I am ready for the "happily ever after", but something in-between. 

To my surprise I am quite talkative this past few days. I now realize it may have been the energy of the New Moon approaching or perhaps Uranus Retrograde [both of which have begun since beginning this expression]. Maybe it's a combination of all the goings on in my life and the Universe at this time? After refreshing my memory in regard to Uranus as well as the New Moon and their effects I got the sense that I am on the right path, for me. Although this last situation I find myself in concerning the stroke and its aftermath leaves with me a lot of questions. So much so, I've researched a therapist and will take the necessary steps to begin therapy in the very near future. 

I say I felt as if I am on the right path because of my intuition, which is funny because I was just saying I need to trust my intuition quicker than I have been. I am still learning how intuition works and how to understand what my mind, body and/or soul is bringing to my attention. In the recent past I "had a feeling" I should leave a place on a certain day, then at the last minute I decided to stay another day; well that was a bad idea because from the transition of night to day something happened. Another time "I felt a way" resulting in a conversation with my primary care only to later self diagnose and cancel the appointment. Now post-stroke I had to reschedule said appointment; perhaps had I kept the first appointment there would be no need for an appointment now? 

At times I have stopped myself mid-sentence when the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts come into the mix. Today I suppose I needed to hear them out and see why I feel what could be surviver's guilt; about a few things that I have not been able to work out on my own. When I was hospitalized the doctor and nurses were contently telling me how much better off I was than some of the other patients; I was on the stroke floor. I understand putting things into perspective, however, dismissing or devaluing a person's experience because "it coulda been worse" is infuriating.  I mean, it coulda been better; and what's wrong with saying so? It shoulda been better, yet I am still acknowledging that it woulda been better had I done some things differently. 

I want to smoke cigarettes, but I keep finding reasons not to buy my brand and I refuse to smoke anyone else's. Each time this comes up I speak with a friend about it and she offers reinforcements to keep me on the ex-cigarette smoker side of life. The strain of choice these days has been "Cherry Runtz" which contains one of my favorites; "Cherry Pie".  It gives a sense of happiness and relaxation while also giving the scents of a lovely day; I can not put into words what that smells like because it's a feeling,  A feeling that makes me smile a bit, enough to recognize a moment in happiness. That doesn't happen often, feelings of being happy. Like, what is happy? 

Actually looking at the definition I find myself thinking of happiness as something attributed to the fortunate. I use the words "glad" a lot and "joy" often, not relating them to happiness.  I am experimenting with the dosage for the marijuana; I feel as if I am smoking too much in too short of a time span. So the effects gradually come upon me and before I know it I'm too high. Which is why I want to smoke cigarettes; interrupting reefer with tobacco helps me because I can still enjoy smoking without all of the same effects. However, that's still not enough reason to regress. 

I took a moment and thought about how realistic it would be for me to return to college in the Spring and truthfully I find it a but out of reach; unless the issue causing my vision to be impaired is resolved by the time I have to register. I am hopeful. While attempting to give myself a bit of grace, I thought maybe I can go back next Fall? I think that would be more realistic, especially after the year I've had. I figure it is going to take some time to recover from bad health, cancer and a stroke; God forbid I experience any more trauma this year, I feel as if I've been "taught" enough. 

The ideology of life is full of lessons is a bit confusing to me; it's as if we're being taught for unexpected, at times unprovoked "lessons" that's supposed to teach what exactly? The thought of fairness comes to mind which questions "who said life would be fair?" Again checking the dictionary, one definition speaks of being "tolerably good" and I believe since technically none of us "asked" to be here, why would we be unworthy of at least things being tolerably good? Such as when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where "bad behavior" is tolerated and a person then grows older unable to set and reinforce necessary boundaries in their life. Perhaps even "learning" that said behavior may be interpreted as love or passion. 

Finally shining a light onto some of the bad behavior I've endured throughout this lifetime I don't think it's too much to ask for a bit of good, not just tolerable good; but the good that is described as happy. I feel as if I have embraced sorrow and "sour adversity" for far too long, A childhood of abandonment followed by young adulthood of struggle a few pleasant years and now illness. I am not a person who rejoices in having the happy times in the afterlife, all that "when I get to heaven..." talk while experiencing what feels like "hell". There's million of people on the internet claiming to know the way of the Universe; I will admit, I am still learning and somedays I feel as if I am learning from scratch.

From scratch meaning as if I haven't been studying the Universe for the past fifteen years. Then I think, "how long is fifteen years in the grand scheme of the age of the Universe?" A drop in an ocean... Speaking of ocean, I thought of visiting the beach on two occasions and opted out due to the holiday and large crowds. I feel as if I must schedule a visit someday soon as my soul is yearning to meet nature in a soothing way. I do not remember my days as a baby, but I feel as if there may have been a lot of self-soothing ones, I imagine crying until I figured out why and decided to stop. I could be wrong, I hope I am; but I've seen pictures. Nonetheless that's what I'd expect. These days I want a life filled with romanticized circumstances;  allowing myself the space to be soft.

As a black woman I find throughout my life I have been labeled "strong", even in childhood; not completely allowed to be soft. Then to grow older under the "strong, independent woman" trope I felt as if I did not break free until I experienced a break down. Prioritizing spirituality followed by mental health and now the whole being feels like juggling too many balls in the air; one or a few are bound to fall and in this point in life I do not have the privilege of any one of these balls dropping. My spirituality is very important to me however I have to believe that my physical health is just as important for different reasons. 

Learning to appreciate life at a certain age is different from when I was in my youth. I took too many things for granted and perhaps I am now "paying" for them? Our minds have this need to make sense of things, even in things that don't make sense. Or are these apart of those life lessons you don't know how to study for? I am tired and ready to enjoy as much of life as I have left. I want to experience extended joy, happiness and would like to see that in the lives of those I love. Since I've been ill this year, I've been shown the difference in someone saying "I love you" opposed to someone showing their love for you.  Finally getting to a space to accept some will only say the words without putting it into action; and there isn't anything wrong with that. 

I am surrounding myself with those who show love on a regular basis, not just when something tragic happens. I am healing that space within which would long for the days of being in some circles; feeling I'd finally be embraced although that was never shown as a possibility. Acceptance is a funny thing, one minute you're pondering "why...?" and the next you recognize, they just don't like me or we just don't mesh on that level; and that's okay. Sometimes it takes a while for me to acknowledge when things are nonreciprocal, but when I do, I move forward. I am currently in that space, giving myself grace and learning to understand my imperfections and showing myself love. I need more of that.  

dresses with pockets and polka dots

So the appointment went well and I am in much better spirits than I have been for the past couple of weeks. Slowly recognizing grief along with an emergency coming [somewhat] out of the blue caught me off guard; as if dealing with cancer wasn't enough... Nevertheless, life goes on apparently. 

It's interesting how something this major allows one to appreciate some things that may be so minor to someone else; such as the ability to drive to a nail appointment or to the beach on a beautiful afternoon. Those sights and emotions attached are something I want to experience until my final days, the energy of both are "out of this world" for me. 

I am grateful for the fact I was unaware of the stroke with one exception; a glitch with my vision. Aside from that there were no other signs of its occurrence, which says a lot as far as strokes' go. I am thankful to have better options than early on whereas the first doctor suggested things being irreparable with very little research into the matter. I am appreciative for the many prayers, well wishes and positive energy on my behalf from those who love and care for me. 

I made a few changes when it comes to boundaries and sticking with them. As this time of year approaches and I have much to reminisce over, I am choosing to take this time to focus on myself rather than being so easily accessible. Taking the necessary time and energy for self-care, self-improvement, healthcare and the like. I thought I was doing fairly well with the exception of some health needs as the primary focus had been on getting cancer in remission. 

I was almost jokingly telling a couple of people about how I stopped smoking [about a pack and a half a day], changed some eating habits and that's when I have a stroke? Seems a bit odd; then I considered the lasting effects of such behaviors and as my body and mind had the ability to slow down from the "busy" life I was leading prior to cancer. Perhaps the damage was done and I slowed down enough for it to catch up with me?  

Summer is my least favorite time of year to visit the beach; too many people and anxiety, not the right combination for what I consider a good time. Then I thought I would have to give up driving, which was yet another reason I was devastated and depressed for approximately two weeks. That's when this all began, about two weeks ago; literally in a blink of an eye. Things are good then they're not. It's so clichè to get on a "soap box" encouraging others to be mindful of their health after finding myself in such predicament having to reconsider some things I am exhausted from having them apart of my daily life. Medication, daily is not the life I would have signed up for.

I expressed these thoughts when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, so much so I explained to the doctor I did not want to be prescribed medication after medication based on the side effects of one causing issues resulting in another. Yet here we are, with that being the case with my health scaring me left and right. I have an appointment with my primary care physician this week and I intend to discuss the matter with her and see if we can reach a compromise. 

I've been on cherry slurpie for quite some time, all Summer; I think. I'd put in on the list near Golden Ticket or Blue Dream for various reasons. It takes a lot of effort to be grateful and such when you're sick; yet I don't feel as if I am special for doing that. I feel as if some people are able to achieve those emotions without much effort, that's special. However, as stated on the previous expression Capricorn's are known to be pessimistic I find it special that I've learned to tap into the other elements of my natal chart in order to blend my personal solar system into something unlike my nature with what comes with a bit of ease [as it's been a practice for some time now]. 

On the bright side [no pun intended] I've spent time with the Moon in her various phases while dealing with the happenings of the past couple of weeks. She brings me peace and a sense of love that I only get when connected to the Moon. Without the beach and a few other pleasures I am finding the effort to find acceptance quickly and to my satisfaction news came in as I heard it in my meditations and prayers. 

One of my favorite dresses has polka dots and pockets, it's also a long maxi dress; another favorite. Today was like my favorite polka dot dress with pockets. The past couple weeks I've been focused on my health [mental, physical, financial, emotional, etc.] realizing I've been putting bandages on some real wounds that need serious attention, discipline and a better awareness. For the past fifteen years spirituality was on the forefront of my mind. Making sure to stimulate my pineal gland and "speaking life into my higher self"; at one point choosing to be abstinent until I felt aligned with my lover.

At another point smoking sativa for about five consecutive years not fully understanding how that would affect my "third eye" and such. I've long outgrown the ideology of thinking a conscience lifestyle should be all "blue skies and rainbows" or "positive energy only"; had I been in that mind-frame I would be even more devastated with the happenings of the past few years. I actually acknowledged all the goings on of the past twelve years: anxiety attack, diagnosis (anxiety disorder/ depression), housing insecurity, mental health issues, automobile accidents, passings of loved ones, bipolar disorder diagnosis, passing of my Dad, cancer and finally a stroke; like why am I under attack? 

At times I am truly surprised when I awake in the mornings, I make sure to say "Good Morning ☀️" to my Mom, Rocko (my emotional support animal) and a few other loved ones daily. Whereas a few others I may not speak with daily, but I know some of them know what they mean to me should that day come when I wake up unalive. I am actively putting things in pace for that occurrence unlike days of old when I'd begin and not finish what needs to be completed. 

An advance directive is one of the final steps to complete and I've been stalling for the past seven years that it's been brought to my attention that it's necessary. Anyway, I'll take care of it soon. Now to something more uplifting, like this weed... They say a good sign of life is to have a healthy sexual appetite so I feel as if things are looking up; it's been all over the place, but thoughts of my lover consume me. My desires are nearly overflowing and in a sense I love it, the thought of allowing the thirst to be quenched [sigh] I'm not ready for that just yet. I feel as if it's keeping me alive.

Something to look forward to, I've shared many times before; how having things to look forward to keeps me in good spirits especially now that my mortality is in question. There we go again, ending up on the mortality aspect of things. It's as if I can't shake the thoughts of that topic. I don't wish to be a person who is contently speaking of their ailments and the unhappiness it can cause. I am choosing to be as happy as I can be; under the circumstances. Making the "best" out of this thing called "life".   

last night I got too high...

Many lives have been lived these past few months, I feel as if I am in the middle of one with another on the horizon. Unfortunately, I suffered a stroke recently and some things are still out of sorts. I've been in prayer and meditation a lot since this trauma expressed itself though my being; nonetheless, I left the hospital with a plan and thus far it's falling into place. The outcome however isn't in my hands, as much as I can attempt to manifest, the final "say so" belongs with God. 

This past week I recognized I had been in grief since approximately last winter, in all honesty I may have been functioning in grief since my Dad passed away some years ago. I don't believe I'll go into much detail today, however I will say some things made me forget about this for a bit and enjoy my life and the abilities that remain. I don't know much about stroke's, however, I do understand they operate at various capacities [and I consider myself blessed that the one I experienced did not take me out...}. The fact the ability to write has not been altered. I praise God for abilities that remained while learning to accept should the outcome be what it is. 

Music, reefer and the words of my heart... I've never felt this particular way before. There's something to be said of the level of balance I consider myself being in the face of a life changing consequence. It's almost as if during the experience [of having a stroke]  I found myself knee deep in grief, I was not able to gaslight myself into believing something other than that truth. So rather than staying in shock and denial I prayed, meditated, spoke with a few loved ones and found the space to make peace with alternative outcomes. 

Facing such life altering decisions within a short period of time has been overwhelming, to say the least. I had a few "woe is me" moments, but I wouldn't allow them to form a "pity party"; I realized that may be far deeper than I have the capacity to engage. Some depths are distractions at times while other explorations are necessary for growth. I thought I had evolved beyond certain things as I've been in therapy for the past 12 years [and counting]... That's the thing about grief, you think you're okay, but you're not then something cracks a tear and before I know it I'm in tears about so many things. I haven't experienced an anxiety attack since around this time in 2017. I've had several, on various frequencies causing different responses along with areas within seeking my awareness, hearing out the inner-child who has some things to resolve. While the woman I strive to be, figures out where to lead me along the "right" path to achieve the dreams placed in my heart and mind. 

As a Capricorn [Sun Sign], it is rather easy to be pessimistic, not wishing or worrying about the undesired outcome, it is perhaps figuring out how to make things work with the least. I've had to do that for so long it's like second nature; however I am in a space where I desire to live life as I see it in my thoughts and dreams as opposed to the reality I am impacted by often. It was in this moment I wondered if I'd gotten too high, I felt anxiety creeping in, but I was determined to remain in good spirits for as long as I could. Tuesday I have an appointment where I am expecting things to be put into perspective and I'll leave with options to consider. Attempting to lift poor spirits for nearly a week is taking all the mental, physical and emotional gymnastics I can muster up each day. Especially with pending treatment decisions to be made in the conversation of cancer. 

I have a title, the music is doing what I need it to; as well as the reefer and now.... the munchies.

higher

"never lose hope, my heart, miracles dwell in the invisible."

   Rumi

I found myself in a questionable space mentally once I completed chemotherapy and learned of other steps recommended for treating my conditions. They are recommending another surgery and to be honest, now is not the time. There was a brief moment when I reconsidered undergoing radiation treatment, after discussing it with my doctor I decided to complete it with the intention I won't experience many of the negative side effects. It's mainly the fatigue and body aches that wear me out and keep me from having a more active life. It's been approximately six months since the surgery and about a month since completing chemotherapy; I feel as if I am just beginning to have more better days than before, that is until I had a fall recently. I had so much difficulty getting up from the ground, filled with embarrassment I had no choice but to do my best to overcome the situation and move forward with the day. Too many stairs or a long walk can take my breath away whereas there was a time when I'd walk five miles a day just because; nowadays I long for those excursions. I miss my old life; true I probably wouldn't have the wisdom I have now, but on days like today I miss it real bad. Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, I just long for a more self sufficient lifestyle and I don't know when or if I'll get back to that. The feeling of discouragement fills me and I don't know how to shake it in this moment. The idea of smoking another joint comes to mind, making me think I can push past these trivial thoughts and find out what's at the bottom of these feelings.

The joint of choice has been Snickerdoodlez, unfortunately there isn't much information about the strain online however, the high is quite peaceful and focused as if it clears my mind of all the chatter allowing me to see my thoughts clearly. While looking online for information I decided to locate one of my favorites, Cherry Slurpie; another strain without information. Nevertheless both are great with mental clarity, calmness as well as moments of happiness and creativity. After ordering Cherry Slurpie I find myself excited and a bit eager to pick them up, but I am still in the planning stages of my day; I knew I wanted to write something and possibly visit the beach, other than that it's still up in the air... Errand to the dispensary, lunch, a nap and now I'm back.  Or so I thought, many days and joints later I am actually back to figure out what's on my mind and in my heart to share. After looking a bit deeper into the idea of hope I realize there are other words I prefer however, the concept is the same. My desire [hope] requires a miracle and the idea of hoping for it to happen with the uncertainty that it will leaves me a little uncomfortable. Then I saw a meme which said "a major part of manifesting is believing you're worthy of what you're asking for." I will admit I was a bit perplexed; because I thought I believed I was worthy until I read that sentence and discovered there's a part of my self which feels unworthy of the miracles I pray for [often]. 

Oftentimes I am in the presence of those who criticize, critique and/or complain more than express optimism or give compliments. I recognized that in my youth, choosing to be optimistic took a lot of determination especially coming from the environments I grew up around. I believe my subconscious mind is so used to the negative or an expectation opposite of my prayers that on some level I don't truly believe I will manifest the life of my dreams. Feeling unworthy due to limiting beliefs based on the surroundings and circumstances I've survived in this life [thus far]. For a moment I thought who would I talk to in regard to overcoming limiting beliefs then the thought of booking a session with my tarot reader came to mind. Making sure to send a text before it slipped my mind, hopefully I'll have a session this week so I should think of some things I'd like insight on. The idea of returning to a higher consciousness brings many things to mind, most of which I know I should be implementing yet haven't, I realize out of self sabotage. Brings me to question how I learned to make a habit of sabotaging myself, perhaps it was taught during my upbringing; unfortunately I won't know because I don't recall most of it. What I do know is breaking habits takes a lot of effort and I suppose it's never too late to grow in the areas a person feels it's necessary.

As I ash my joint the thought comes to mind that I have only smoked two cigarettes since my surgery in January, both of which I "bummed" from someone and it wasn't my brand; they were disgusting! Since I refuse to buy my brand I have committed to being [cigarette] smoke free indefinitely. The significance of that coming to mind as I speak about efforts and changing habits, there was a time when considering not smoking cigarettes was impossible to believe. I could not see myself not smoking them until the days then months passed where I didn't. I'm still learning to trust my self [intuition] and believe I am capable, seeing how I do things that seem like miracles to me pretty often; for example I drove to Northern California recently, as I thought of the six plus hour drive each way I nearly talked myself out of it then I realized I could do it a little at a time. I ended up driving three hours before stopping both ways. Another thing I did was return to college all these years later and was doing very well, until cancer/ chemotherapy. I am learning to celebrate my accomplishments, no mater how small they may seem to someone else; the fact that I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and getting things done that I thought I couldn't is cause for a celebration [even if I am the only one celebrating]. 

The thought of the steps I'd like to take to get myself to a place where I am well seems overwhelming in this moment, but if I take it like I did the road trip not doing everything at once; instead I can implement things in stages. Rather than attempt to tackle everything at once and burn out, I can start with a few things then add on as they become routine. I think that may be the strategy for success, as well as a couple books on habits I've been meaning to read. Taking a moment to search the blogs to see if I've written anything on the topic and I found an expression written in 2021, titled "high" which was in alignment with some of the things I've mentioned here. Another expression, written much earlier [2015] I wrote about "habits" and although I was vague, I can somewhat recall what was on my heart at the time. In some aspects I am still that woman, longing for these dreams to manifest; while some have come to pass here and there the main ones [life changing] are still brewing in the Universe awaiting something to bring it into this reality. 

My intention is to join the gym a month or so after I complete radiation therapy; I figure by then I'll be able to access the body ache and fatigue, if any. Allowing me to rebuild the strength in my body while possibly getting "in shape" the way I imagine myself. I am excited to witness my hair growth and looking forward to discovering it's texture, as many say it changes after chemotherapy. Something else I am looking forward to is traveling, I've taken short trips here and there but I am not ready for long flights. I feel so confined this year, surgery then chemotherapy and radiation; bound to few places yet mostly at home. I feel the need to stretch out and feel the wind and the ocean breeze with no tasks or errands and appointments to tend to. I've also decided to take a break from college until Spring, I want to give my body a fresh start or perhaps a new beginning is a better way to phrase it? A reset is much needed which allows me to figure out how to navigate from where I am currently into the woman I dream to be. That's where worthiness and miracles come back into the conversation; how does someone strengthen their sense of worthiness?