mushrooms, moon rocks and memories

"my brain hums with scraps of poetry and madness"

Virginia Woolf

On the heavenly birthday of my 1st Love, I intended to go to San Diego for a football game. The baby Dragon had invited himself which was strange in the way it played out, we decided to head in that direction and arrive the next day. However, by the time we arrived in Huntington Beach he'd somehow blew a gasket, I assume my aloofness regarding directions and overall disposition of joy triggered something that I was not privy to. Nonetheless, before dawn we were headed back to Los Angeles and he'd broke up with me again...

It was all a bit of a flashback as San Diego and I have a sorted history concerning my "love life"; seeing how many of the expressions you all have been reading on this blog [mainly my beautiful nightmare] and the other are of my former lover, I suppose destiny has crossed paths in a way which I will discover how these instances surrounding San Diego play a part in present day shenanigans.

The detail I left out of my beautiful nightmare is concerning "our first misunderstanding", in all honesty it wasn't a misunderstanding at all. The weekend he asked me to be his girlfriend, rather than spending the weekend or at least a day with me, he'd chosen to complain about the distance [as we lived approximately an hour or so away from one another] yet upon reconvening the next week he shares that he'd went to San Diego with his friends.

My thought process was in how things had been up until that question was posed, I was a brat; truthfully I still am in addition to being without transportation [at that time] and loving attention/ affection from the one I am in an intimate/ romantic relationship with. So, when I asked him to see me after agreeing to be his girlfriend was met with a "no" and plans to do single man shit with his friends [in my mind] I figured this relationship was doomed and I should not prolong the heartache of having my needs and/ or wants placed on the back burner due to the "bro code" or "bro's before hoes" mentality.

Fast forward, I am dating again; this is maybe 2004 or early 2005- I have a friend who was a flight attendant- he lived in Texas the duration of of our friendship, but was a confidant when it came to sharing my trials and tribulations in the romance department. At some point he lets me know he has a flight to California and before I inquired where I told him I'd meet him as it was an overnight trip. 

Lo and behold, it's San Diego; I believe this is the first time I'd driven there alone. I don't recall the linear happenings however, I do remember lots of laughs and spectacular energy exchange of the sacred kind. Our friendship lasted a while after that with our inside jokes of a particular song and randomly reminding the other of "San Diego!" as a way of remembering the time spent together in a fantastic way.

Then there was a time, I believe in 2006 when I was involved in an organization holding an event in San Diego and I was to drive there alone, meeting others who would be at the seminars and gala. This was a confusing time for me as the end of 2005 I was involved in a near fatal car accident resulting in the decision to terminate a pregnancy with my then boyfriend.

I recall our girlfriend at the time was being weird as well, they seemed to be oblivious to the pain I was in emotionally and pretended as if all was well or rather "business as usual". Not long after that trip, things ended with all parties [the relationships as well as the business aspect of our dealings]  if I am not mistaken that was one of the last times I've been that far into Southern California.

So here we are in 2025, I had let all of those instances go in regard to that city; even going to an away game as it was our football team's last game of the season. Initially, the baby Dragon and I were simply going to run an errand and go our separate ways; then strangely he reacts oddly when I asked when he'd like to meet up again to head to the game [which was the next day] usually if I'd assumed to spend the entire time with him he would make a comment about space or whatever yet this time he was nearly offended that I did not assume we'd spend the time together.

Anyway, from my recollection we planned it out, but prior to making our way we got a room for some extracurricular activities then drive to Huntington Beach for the night and enjoy the fire pits before continuing to the game Saturday morning [November 8th] well between the soul connecting, passionate, expression of love we shared and my hunger we make a stop for food then the GPS is in route to the beach. Well in my excitement I did not put in the directions for the exact location with fire pits and upon arrival I was informed of my inconsideration as to have him in an unfamiliar place risking his safety.

At this point I am speechless as "I do not understand what I did wrong" with the exception of me being born and raised in Southern California and him being here less than a year; I felt as if I was familiar with our surroundings and merely needed a moment to regroup. After his rant, he drove back to Los Angeles and I was informed at some point of a Kushstock festival the same evening.

So, like when Carrie was broken up with on a post it; I chose to redirect the energy from another San Diego fiasco. Rather than the day I was broken up with for the millionth time on such a sacred day; I chose to celebrate at a marijuana festival- I took a dab, bought mushrooms, and even found a strain "bubblegum gelato" well the strain found me as I smelled it from many booths away and knew it when I was next to it!

I don't know what San Diego has against me, but I know I'm sticking to the beaches that love me while I discover what the buzz with me and this particular location. There's too many mishaps when it comes to that place that I don't see how it connects..... ohhhhh until I do

The year was perhaps 2002, I was dating and one guy in particular was the main character as he lived in Oceanside at the time while enlisted in some branch of the military. I forgot all about that "joker" until I typed the last paragraph of sorts. He'd drive to Los Angeles to pick me up for the weekend and I'd stay the night; he wasn't my boyfriend, but we were headed that way. That is until one morning he'd decided to cook breakfast for me- it gave me the bubbleguts 😒- I did my best, but there was no way I could gain control of things; so I allowed my body to do what the body does in that situation and showered after.

Only for this muthafucka to make a joke and thought he was going to give me a "pet name" because of it yet not take accountability of his subpar cooking skills being the culprit for the entire situation. Since then I tend not to eat or poop around people I am intimate with. One guy even made a point to mention such when I visited him out of state- since I was there for approximately three days- he made a comment about never seeing me eat.

I also let go of my affection for military men, the fact that I am in a sense a military brat is something I keep to myself. Only disclosing a time or two about my interest in the Air Force prior to learning of my pregnancy with my only living child. The men of my maternal family have been military for many generations; I have my favorite branches [which I'll keep to myself] yet after the dumbass mentioned in previous expressions I have reconsidered how I feel about exploring those thoughts toward the future.

Anyway, it's been ages since I thought about that dude and connecting the many times I have been disappointed in various ways when it comes to going South of Hermosa Beach [with the exception of the one time at Honeymoon Cove in Rancho Palos Verdes recently; it was the first time there and with the baby Dragon of all people] I am hesitant to return with someone new, I don't know how I feel about that yet.

Although this information has been helpful, it does not dissect San Diego's beef with me, but I don't intend to visit that place anytime soon so I suppose it's irrelevant at this point. 

I know I shared that I was planning to forget the encounter with the baby Dragon, but I feel his energy calling me- my skin remembers the spaces where his lips caressed many parts, some specific to my lady parts; which also recalls the sacred language his tongue spoke to her- my heart is still decoding the calculated strokes, deep breaths, whispers in my left ear and the sexy, manly moans in my right. 

It's been months of no contact, with the exception of the day I searched for his number and sent a couple text. The first simply "I miss you" as Adele's song queued on Pandora prompting me to pause before she began singing. Then a flashback of a sentimental moment we shared as I sung "To Be Loved" at the top of my lungs [as a result I've had laryngitis ever since] later stating that I missed our dances in darkness as my lady parts were screaming for him to enter me and express his love, lust, passion, and admiration from his soul through my body, mind and heart.

I will admit, as I am being truthful with my heart; I have only been in love approximately five times. The first was different as we were teenagers and it was before meeting my 1st love, the one who I've never mentioned on the blogs before. At times the encounter slips my mind until the wee hours of the night when memories of him flood my thoughts and I wonder where he is these days.

I get curious some nights hoping he was not dead or in jail, as that is the unfortunate outcome for most of the gentlemen I grew up with in the inner city of Los Angeles, California. I never knew his last name or his birthday, but I remember the street his Grandmother lived on yet not the exact location. I don't recall when we met, but I know it was in the 1990s as I was familiar with the community as family members lived there since the 1980s. I know I'd never seen him prior to living there as the usuals were around whenever I visited; forming friendships I did not know would shape much of my developmental years.

He was tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, witty, funny, and an amazing kisser. It was hilarious because I don't even know if anyone knew we knew one another as he was quite popular. It was a time before the accessibility of smart phones when you'd have to call a person's house phone and if they weren't home you'd just be assed out until they were. Somehow I remember we never exchanged telephone numbers, we'd just know when and where to meet up. We'd talk and end up kissing for hours; until one day, I remember I was wearing a leotard and a jacket of some kind and we were kissing in the stairwell of one of the buildings.

In that moment I thought to rip the middle of the leotard in thoughts of experiencing my first time with him. I was shy in a sense so I thought myself out of it without even mentioning the feeling of desire for him in that moment. As I am typing these words of memories forgotten, the young girl who was there is cheering me on as we heal and introspect a time that may have changed the trajectory of this brokenhearted girl.

One day during some summer, perhaps 1993 somehow this girl knew about he and I, she was supposedly my friend, but I never told her anything about him. My memory is shaky, but there was a group of us walking around the corner to his house- as he and I talked, I was apprehensive as he knew why I wanted to go there with him yet I wasn't comfortable with the audience and the fact that it was my "special time". He assured me that it would be okay and I can't describe the way I felt for him or how I still feel for him in present day.

The moment was awkward as we were in our own bubble yet others were engaging in whatever they were doing when the "friend" interrupts us for some odd reason. I don't remember much after that except a few days later she attempts to fight me for no apparent reason, out of respect for the friendship I thought we shared I did not fight her as I noticed her strategy was far too simple for me to engage knowing I would hurt her.

I ran into him many years after that when we were adults, the timing was horrible as it was after Terrance had died and before I was engulfed in the situationship with the military guy and prior to my fantasy guy [turned tough guy turned lover reverting back to the tough guy] I know I wrote something in the last expression about not wanting to revisit anyone from my past, but as I sit here I would love to rekindle things with that man. The thought process being the level of intimacy we shared and even seeing him so many years later the expression was felt beautifully with the exception of my unhealed relationship dynamics which brought awkwardness to the encounter. 

Many of the first entries in my first handwritten journal from 1994 were about him. He was my friend first and remained even though the attempt at a sexual exchange was soiled and the one many years later wasn't what I had hoped it would be- as I was in the mist of heartache and heartbreak yet the opportunity presented itself for us to experience one another. I often wish I could relive that experience as he should have been my first; perhaps it was his absence which allowed me to meet Terrance in the first place. A lot of the gentlemen in my neighborhood were solid men, but those two stood out to me; one was age appropriate and the other was not.

The one who was age appropriate did not live there, but visited his family during the summer and the other lived across the street. I frequent that area, but on purpose I don't drive down his Grandmothers street; I don't know what I'd say if I ran into him. It took many Moons for me to admit that my former lover reminds me of him, but one of the major reasons I feel as if that relationship has run it's course- in hopes he continues living his life with the choices he committed to- is because other than forehead kisses in the past, a kiss from him would be the real fantasy.

In allowing myself to tap into the teenage girl of my youth, I can now conceptualize the intimidating feeling I had about him [my former lover] in the past was the nagging emotions of my inner brat who identified with him as a reminder of the young man from my neighborhood before meeting my first love [the fact that I would love to type his name in this moment as I think of a moniker for him is insane] I'll have to give it some thought as I can literally see his face in my mind. Wishing I could recall his voice and the laughs we shared in many obscure locations around that apartment complex. Remembering those years has been refreshing as many of you are aware I've dealt with various forms of amnesia for quite some time. Today, I no longer wish to write about unrequited love or former lovers. I'd rather relish in the love of my coming of age relationships which shaped the woman I am now. While allowing this young woman to express her thoughts and feelings connected to the way in which this Capricorn [Sun & Mercury] chooses to show and feel love.

One thing I love about this girl was her spark for life and no-nonsense way of communicating in what I later refer to as a writer being a writer. The mind of a writer is interesting as there's the middle of a bridge where insanity, perfectionism, love, passion and desire all intercepting on a thin line. Notwithstanding, the attitude, ambition, personalities, expectations and temperament playing their role instructed by any given disorder, condition, trigger, phobia and the like. The craziest part is, the nice girl above, dressed in black with a pretty smile is not the one writing these words; nor is she the one who makes appearances on a regular basis. The girl to the left with the stern expression and infamous hand on hip pose- as most LA girls go to out of comfort and other emotions too fragile to explain at this time- is the one who often takes hold of my fingers; gliding across the laptop with precision in the word choices, emotions, and feelings in need of an outlet. 

During Spring semester 2025, Philosophy- Symbolic Logic course further damaged my brain in a sense of a rewiring of sorts. Upon completion I decided to take Ethnic Studies in conjunction with a Psychology- Personal and Social Awareness course during Summer semester. Leading to Fall semester with a few courses including Psychology- Abnormal Psychology and Philosophy- Introduction to Religion, causing me to spiral a bit in the realms of consciousness, mortality, and unique abilities classified as mental health conditions, disorders, etc. I've come to understand the altered states of consciousness provided by mushrooms in addition to reefer with a component of moon rocks has made a significant revelation regarding how I view myself and mental capacity.

In retrospect perhaps I should have divided this expression into multiple aspects yet in hindsight it all seems to come together in a way of honoring the past as it has helped understand parts of the present while allowing me to shed what I do not wish to take into the new year*. As we go from the year of the snake to the year of the horse, I find it perfect as my birthday will come and go leading up to the Solar Eclipse and New Moon in Aquarius [my Moon sign] allowing me to take heed of the milestones I am celebrating while making space for the blessings to flow throughout 2026 and beyond. 

The inner child and shadow work I have been participating in for the past few years is beginning to show as I am becoming one with the disassociated parts of myself frozen or fawning in time- stuck within the capsule of trauma which caused me to abandon myself to begin with. As I sit here with the music playing, about to light another joint and reclaim the aspects of the teenage girl, sitting in her room observing The World Outside My Window I can remember some of the feelings as well as some of the ways in which I spent my time between school and beginning a job at the age of fourteen. It's taken this long for me to accept the decisions I've made since being in that space as well as thoughts of the souls I've encountered and how they may still have a story along the path I find myself on. 

I suppose that's why I often think of the gentleman I spent many private moments with and the lasting impression he has left on me after all of these years. I read somewhere a long time ago where it stated the day of my birth was an obscure holiday- the day of fantasy. I believe that to be true, now more than ever as I fantasize about running into him with the wisdom and lived experience of the many years apart. Communicating thoughts, feelings, and emotions we were too young to understand with the knowledge and understanding of who we are in present times and perhaps a relationship would blossom. Then I think of having experiences with someone new as well. Beginning fresh with no history to romanticize or hide behind as fear of failing again with the same person may be heavy, too heavy to navigate against.

The idea of holding on to the past in a sense seems easier than fully branching out of my comfort zone and into the arms of someone completely new. In a rare crash out that lasted a couple weeks or maybe a month or two, I said everything to everyone I felt I held back in regard to a thoughts, feelings, experiences, or overall treatment that I no longer wished to tolerate. A few years ago while dealing with the pandemic; I said some prayers and as of today those prayers have been answered in regard to my former lover as well as having a new experience. The funny thing about my intrapersonal relationship between myself and my God is the fact that both expressions of the prayer was answered. I wanted to rekindle the relationship with my lover in a way that was new for us however, I also prayed that if that wasn't what it was that I would meet someone new and have a chance at love.

Everything was going nicely until I was involved in a car accident [November 2022] causing major changes and adjustments to be made. Unfortunately, that setback created space for old patterns to re-enter the experience resulting in the usual response and the abyss reopening in my heart. Once I recognized my position I did not realize I was open to meeting someone yet it happened so organically that I believed it was preordained. When I tell you it was [mutually] love at first sight and within a few minutes we were in my car headed to a beautiful location I've wanted to experience since learning of its existence. The whirlwind of a relationship began intensely as I was fresh out of a hospitalization for mental illness, as I regained my composure I believe the manic version was better received that the other parts of my personalities when it comes to the regional, cultural, and overall disposition I am when I am fully myself without pretense or shyness preventing me from expressing the nontraditional, unorthodox, and most times misunderstood personality of a Capricorn [Sun Sign].

...with a few others yet the few I do not have are funny in a way that I can tell when a particular person is attempting to get my attention spiritually based on the sign I feel the connection with. As the baby Dragon's Sun sign is no where within my chart yet I suppose I scared him in a way- based on previous conversations. With the others, I can tell when it's them as they are both the same sign as my North Node. For the longest time I thought I was so attracted to them due to their Sun with little information about my own North Node and how powerful it is. 

The fact that all of this is spilling on the page as we endure many planetary and Cosmic happenings is no mistake as a sense of nostalgia and teenage longing has occupied a space within my being finally feeling the freedom to express itself. The young man of my youth reminds me of the whimsical, love interests from the television shows and movies I grew up watching- the logical moniker would be to associate him as the Moon Doggy to my Gidget, but something about that feels premature- perhaps because the concept of my Moon Doggy as the has been reserved for my first love- as an empty- nester with only child syndrome in the body of a writer and nontraditional student, the years of engagement with that man still highlights the blueprint of what romantic love is for me. The fact that I knew him for a few years and he transitioned more than twenty years ago should speak volumes into the intensity of love I have.

Since beginning this expression I will admit, I've driven down his street twice; the thought of it being Thanksgiving and perhaps his family still owns the home gives me a glimpse of hope that there is something written in the stars urging me to connect or at least try. Briefly, I thought of how "crazy" I must seem thinking of rekindling feelings of teenagers in the 1990s in this day and age. However, the time which has passed since mentioning him in this expression has included much meditation and prayer. As I engulf myself in my particular spiritual practices I have received answers, clues, and calculations toward milestones along the journey in alignment with my happiness. 

When allowing the various ages of my inner children to contribute to my present self and how I choose to express myself puts me in a space of awe- in how God is so detailed that Infinite Intelligence makes room for my baby self to feel understood in appropriate ways for an adult of a particular age. At times I connect with my three year old self with excitement of driving a car or writing whether academically or creatively and it astonishes me. Even in terms of my soul as ancient as it is yet on campus the kids call me "Auntie" as a term of endearment or when the young ladies let me know that I am still "tea" as I engage in fitness [taking a moment to congratulate myself as I am down 25 lbs. this semester thanks to my amazing Coach!] 

When I take a moment to accept the happenings of the past few months, well more than a few as the peak of the chaos was in July 2025. Since then my diagnosis concerning mental health has been upgraded to "gravely disabled" on the heels of an accomplishment I have yet to celebrate publicly. I feel more aligned than ever before yet similar to an awakening I experienced prior to the initial "nervous breakdown" of 2012. I recall a Summer afternoon in my bedroom as I was home alone, this was in my first apartment however, I did have a roommate and her children. Nevertheless, somehow I caught a music festival on television and my consciousness had been elevated with marijuana. Those days my tolerance was a fraction of what it is now as I have developed my stoner behavior to an spiritual practice initiated by my Ancestors and other loved ones in the spirit realm.

Coco Jones' voice is belting through my headphones, making my desire to express myself intimately a little unbearable. Thoughts of surrendering to my dreams began to invoke OCD as if for a sense of relief because there is no way to release the volcano of emotions wanting to be displayed in a way of an artist mastering aspects of myself. Then I want to do several things at once yet each holding a different level of priority- contemplating if I should polish my nails, make a run for snacks and squares or attend a date planned by the Ancestors in relation to my future. 

I'm still a little unsure about how this whole thing works in terms of reading the stars when it involves another or others. Like, in the past I've encountered individuals who in a sense knew of the importance of our intersection in this life yet allowed ego to distort the potential of it all. In all honesty, after the baby Dragon I am not the same as "they" say it doesn't matter how long you've known someone, but rather the impact of the exchange. The way that man kept his lips and hands on me with endearing words in my ears was something fairytales are made of [in my head] unfortunately, as he admitted he allowed his ego to convince him that I was out to "snatch his soul and send him into destruction" after asserting that I was "The Devil" then "A Vampire". 

After the interaction with the baby Dragon since late August I had to face a truth I had to accept within myself. Which was the fact that I come from a long line of narcissist therefore, how could I dismiss the fact that I am one as well? 

My Dad calls me his Angel,
but when I make my baby face he says “calm down Killa”, since he transitioned in 2018 I figure he has become my Angel. I feel him guiding, protecting, and advising me in ways familiar to when he was alive. I can tell from the way the thoughts come to my mind and the way in which my brain responds, especially concerning conversations we've had during this lifetime. The other day I felt myself generate my energy from that very bedroom that I spent so many years in [from approximately 1990 through 2009] even driving those same streets in present days. Then I think of many of my loved ones who have been in Southern California since the 1950s and before. The strength I feel for my city exuding though the atmosphere from Northern and then the previous territory when we were Mexico or when the Earth was solely water before the land arrived.

I recall the year he passed, in hindsight I knew something was up by the things he'd began to say- one in particular was out of the blue he states "you can be promiscuous" my reaction makes me laugh even in this moment. The fact that for over thirty years he never changed the stance implemented during puberty of "don't be promiscuous" then suddenly changing it to a 180 degree redirection- I take it as he knew I was always talking to him about the same gentleman. Over the years I felt as if my lover was "the one" for me. Even in the spirit realm I feel my Dad cheering him on as if he knows something we have yet to learn. I've asked myself consistently for over a week now- why haven't I done a banishing spell to block him completely? 

I suppose there is a part of me that has held on to a sliver of hope. Hope that the words we've expressed were genuine in addition to the revelation of my narcissism and the realization that the last stunt has gone the way it has for a few reasons. One of which was the suppression of my spiritual talents, skills, gifts, etc. Another would be acknowledging myself in my full capacity along with the time I needed to come to terms with myself and finding healthy ways to express aspects of where I am still holding myself back. Not to mention the experience allowed me to tap into the darkness I had been dodging since the time my [maternal] Grandfather asked if I were a witch with no context as to why he thought such.

During that time, I was seventeen years old in undergraduate school. I've decided not to revisit that experience as it has been transmuted with the discovery of it being true...

The baby Dragon from recent months and the Dragons from ancient times [1990s love] are similar in a way as well. When thinking of the two gentlemen my adolescent self truly loved it reminds me of another lifetime surrounded by Dragons and the various ways they presented themselves and how they saw the Dragon in me. 

As the holiday has passed and others are approaching, I feel a lot that I do not wish to disclose at this time as I feel the spirit realm working some things out on my behalf. In connection with soul contracts and destiny of sorts. I won't say what I believe I know when it comes to others yet I am forced to acknowledge the space in which I am torn within my heart about the connection for the Dragon of my youth and the former lover, I thought he was a Unicorn; well let me back up a bit.

When visiting family who lived near him I had little cousins who did not need to understand such adult dynamics so when they'd ask where I'd disappeared to I began saying "I went to see a man about a dog" as they grew older I'd say "I went to see a man about a horse" until one encounter so magical in a sense when asked before I could catch myself I said "I was with my Unicorn". In all honesty, I am trying to figure out why I'd classify him as such when truthfully I've only seen glimpses yet in retrospect I feel as if I've held onto the glimpses rather than the masked person I believe he has showed me all these years. 

I haven't necessarily been arguing with the Ancestors about him, but I feel a blend as if they aren't all mine attempting to convince me that there is more to the story. However, the many years of him telling me certain things about my beliefs and practices are bullshit has given me a hardened spot where the love for him once thrived. The last round of arguments were confusing as I was told of my "craziness" with no context then suddenly everything was fine with a promise for the first time in all these years. Only to be abandoned and left without so much of a conversation therefore I have finally made the decision to cut the cord and burn the loop of whatever the fuck I was holding on to. As of now, I am in no contact with any of the men from my past within the dynamic of intimacy; and I will say I am ready for a fresh start of sorts.

As it stands I forget at times of being considered middle aged, but in my defense, I do identify as a Venusian [a being from Venus] therefore a year on Earth is simply a day where I am from. Even when you think of that in comparison to the age of the Universe. the Planets, life on Earth or God; I am barely 16,000 years old. Then if you factor other Galaxies and lightyears and all that I am barely an infant in the "grand scheme" of Cosmology, Astrology, Astronomy and all that non- human aspects of life.

I will admit, I am proud of myself for getting a couple drafts finished after so much time away and publishing a couple expressions today. I am enjoying music yet I believe I should take a nap before going out tonight- I've found a spot that I feel a bit is my modern day "Cheers" you know the kind, where everybody knows your\ name- not to mention I have a pain in a particular spot in my back as a result of that car accident from November 2022 I mentioned before and a bit of a "Love Jones" for a certain someone I met a couple weeks ago. I am in hopes that the stars will align and we'll cross paths again as the Moon and various concepts are negotiating within the Heavens. I think that's the true reason I am not built to be promiscuous, I feel love too easily then before you know it I'm like "I miss ____" like, more than infatuation but not quite in love, but like that film "something like love" to my own thought perhaps it's not love but its something very close to it...

Until next time...

King Kamille 🩷✨