once in a Black Moon

The thoughts associated with this expression began December 29, 2024 as the Black Moon was the next day. I had never heard of the term until around that time, as one of my favorite colors is Black and I love the Moon; I was intrigued. The events around that time were displeasing, forcing me to introspect and reflect; as well as turn my thoughts, feelings, and emotions toward my desires, goals, dreams, and aspirations .  At the turn of the year, I was laser focused on my boundaries, self- love, and as stated my desires and such. The clarity has increased, as has my discipline in attaining balance while achieving the accomplishments I've outlined for myself. With each obstacle finding the ability to pivot and remain on my path simultaneously was a call for trust, bravery, courage, and perseverance. I will admit, I am proud of myself. It is not until this moment, I can see why my therapist recently shared with me during a conversation regarding the approach of my final sessions that she could not justify requesting more sessions for me. Initially, I felt feelings of abandonment; and attempted to ponder ways in which I can find an authentic issue to disclose which will ensure an extension of services. I now understand why she feels as if I have completed therapy, by demonstrating the level of determination and persistence toward my purpose the work I am doing within has begun to exude.  

That same week, I met with my counselor during a meeting concerning my course load and schedule for future semesters. Within that meeting she also complimented me on the growth she's witnessed from our first meeting in January 2025 throughout the semester. I accepted those compliments as a confirmation of the purpose of my journey; acknowledging the desire in my heart of my future endeavors and why I am qualified to accept the calling. I've been praying for the day I not only knew my purpose, but understood it; I am in awe and fascinated with emotions. For a Psychologist (my aspiration) and a College Counselor (another aspiration) to see the cultivation of knowledge, self- awareness, values, beliefs, and gifts [skills, talents, and natural abilities] expressed through my words and behaviors is such an honor. I informed my Psychologist in a humorous way, of being my first patient; which I consider myself to be; gave me such internal validation relating to my desire to earn degrees in Psychology and Philosophy. As it is believed, the Black Moon is intensified New Moon energy— as the potential for self- reflection, transformation, and intention setting is amplified, the prayers during that time were obviously powerful. Resulting in the manifestation of a fresh and advanced level of self- confidence and dedication to obtain and apply the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom necessary to realize the life of my dreams.   

The next Black Moon [like a Full Moon occurring twice within a calendar month is referred to as a "Blue Moon", a "Black Moon" is the second New Moon within a calendar month} is believed to be August 23, 2025. I've set my calendar to ensure I take the time to embrace the Black Moon and set intentions in alignment with the wishes of my heart and mind. During this time I intend to be within week's of Fall courses, with one in session and two others beginning soon after. I have yet to deep dive into the significance of there being two Black Moons this year, since the next one [after August 2025]  isn't believed to occur until August 2027. Not to mention all of the other astrological happenings thus far and beyond; I feel an intense energy toward goal setting, accomplishment, and vigor...

Much time has passed since the words expressed above, however, I recently compiled my goals throughout 2025 [for each month, August through December] with an additional list of milestones to refine within 2026, 2027, and 2028. To say I am excited would be an understatement! 

My hope is that we all as a collective dig deep within and reconnect with humanity in addition to the goals, dreams, hopes, prayers, aspirations, and well wishes for ourselves and our loved ones [family, friends, colleagues, and fellow human Beings] in the belief that we are all united in the Cosmic magic of creation. There are various rituals, customs, and traditions in honor of the Moon and her phases; I choose to embrace a few and set the intentions with love, passion, desire, and good cheer as I am witnessing the acts and moves of God in my life; and the newfound joy of living— each new day with a renewed sense of Being, knowing, understanding, learning, and loving.

Until Next Time,

King Kamille 🖤✨

 

back to life

 "I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life. I have a chance to live, as I've dreamed."

Nina Simone

In the not so distant past I had a thought, I contemplated then attempted to allow my soul to leave my body; with encouragement from loved ones "on the other side" I attempted with all my might to no avail. With the awareness of my inability to detach my soul from my body, I pondered the reasoning behind it; even questioning "what's keeping you here?" to my dismay I realized as one who would have "chosen the sea" [a feeling I know all too well, as I was reminded of when re-visiting "Inland Empress"] perhaps my soul was anchored to the bottom of the Ocean as a true commitment to "Mermaid Life" as I often proclaim. So I grabbed a couple of my bags and headed to my car with the destination being a particular beach; with the intention of allowing my body to find my soul at the bottom of the Ocean. As I drove, I could not locate the beach of my desire, as it is a new location since the other ones left me confined to my car, unable to touch the sand or water for fear that I may walk too far with an inability to swim... 

As I grew anxious of the reality of my actions, I pulled over to think; "what are you doing? where are you going? you packed bags yet the intention was to never return, so what's the truth?" In that moment I remembered loved ones I felt would possibly have a hard time understanding my  actions, as well as obligations I have not fulfilled. I then returned home and went to bed as if I had not taken steps in the direction of truly returning to the presence of God. 

I have an interesting relationship with death, the earliest I can remember was a time when my Mother had taken me to a hotel in Downtown, Los Angeles. We were on a top floor with a huge window without a screen or bars to protect one from jumping. I had the thought to leap or perhaps I thought I would fly away from the reality I found myself in. As the thought persisted, an Aunt came through the door and "rescued" me; I was five (5) years old. 

I've had several occasions where I've "lost" consciousness;  either through medical intervention in the form of surgery or due to mental psychosis or manic episodes. I've died many times; some were in the understanding of spirituality— being baptized, committing to live a life pleasing to God [as if "dead" to the world while acceptable in the sight of God]. near fatal car accidents, the truth I am finally ready to face of my experience with labor and delivery... 

At the age of twenty (20) years old, I found myself in the final months of pregnancy, although I participated in a lamaze course, I had not been around babies for any extended amount of time. I never babysat and by the time I was thirteen (13) I had my first sibling, yet he was already a toddler when we met. With the acknowledgment of never wanting to be a mother or raise children it was in labor when the fear was face to face with me as my body and baby did not want to continue. Labor was overall pleasant as I enjoyed Italian ice and cartoons then finally found a position to lay where we were comfortable, unfortunately after some time the doctors or nurses informed me of the position of our choice was causing complications with the baby and I was not dilating "fast enough" so surgery was necessary. As family and friend debated on who would accompany me into surgery— as if his Dad wasn't merely a few feet away still baffles me— nevertheless, the question was asked and his Dad was by our side during surgery. Once in recovery, I was told repeatedly of the amount of blood I lost, so many times that I think after twenty- five (25) years I finally understand the significance of maternal mortality rates and in all seriousness, I could have died that day. 

When the many highs and lows of mental health issues entered the picture of my life, I feel as if with the increasing severity of the illnesses, I died again; died to the possibility of the life I had envisioned for myself, died to the dreams and goals of my heart and the desires of my soul. I felt as if I was simply existing with no desire, goals, dreams, or even happiness to "stay the course" toward the vision of myself with grey hair, a few joints, a beverage, Rocko, and a seat on my porch [sometimes in solitude, while at times with an companion whose face and gender is a silhouette of a burst of stars]. As I faced mental health issues, at times experiencing states of insanity; having to fight my way out of particular pockets of my mind to reach the surface of my "right mind". While falling victim to exploitation and predatory "friends" and "family" as my exposed weaknesses were taken advantage of, causing many instances of housing insecurity, being called "crazy" for my thought processes and/ or spiritual practices, financial abuse in the form of outstanding debts they have chosen to forget to repay or at this point acknowledge as such. 

Then there was cancer— in all honesty, I did not know the term at the time the decision was made, but at some point of the above space of mind, I had committed to secondary aging [this is when lifestyle choices may speed up the biological effects of aging— smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, indulging in fatty, sugary, high cholesterol foods, etc]. I knew it would catch up to me and in a sense I thought I'd just transition to another realm or dimension while I slept. Unfortunately, the effects of my lifestyle choices began with weight gain, followed by hypertension, and diabetes; all of which I no longer cared about managing. Until August 2023, a friend who was also "tired" of the life she was existing in; literally dropped dead one afternoon with no warning. During this time I had experienced pain in my right breast, but I only noticed it during my cycle; so by the time I had a doctor's appointment it would slip my mind. Well, after the death of my friend, I thought to revisit my plan of secondary aging and attempt to cleanse and detox my body in an effort to rid myself of any toxins. At some point of this the pain in my breast persisted and at an appointment with my primary care physician, at the very last moment of our appointment I mentioned the unusual "lump" and pain; as the cleanse allowed the pain to remain noticeable without the presence of my cycle. 

As she preformed the breast exam and concluded that it was in fact unusual, I knew it was cancer. As the test results and appointments were being scheduled I had my mind made up, I am not going through chemotherapy [remember, death and I have a unique friendship— throughout my life I often thought about "how would I die?" Usually the thought was as a result of a car crash; that is until the cancer diagnosis— I felt like, "this is my way out!"]. That was until I was on the tele-health appointment and proclaimed such while my Mother was present in the room. So for some loved ones and the aforementioned obligations I have yet to fulfill, I agreed to a lumpectomy, one (1) round of chemotherapy and radiation with one (1) medication to take daily and one (1) injection monthly. As I prayed and meditated, I did feel a difference concerning death, as I felt this was actually the real, final, permanent, conversation in our relationship. I made peace with the actuality of how things could go, especially approaching the lumpectomy; I thought I would not awake alive from surgery. I believe it was leading to the date, which was two (2) days before my forty- fourth (44) birth date that I had a conversation with God concerning "if you allow me to see forty- five (45)..."

Now it's August 2024 and I experience a stroke, I spent many moments contemplating it's significance when "randomly" looking through my calendar and realized the date of the stroke was the day after an anniversary of sorts [the day I received the gift of the Holy Ghost— evidence by speaking in tongues as the Holy Spirit of God gives utterance]. I did not realize this until sometime in 2025 after learning of the location of the stroke and the severity of the situation. The stroke was actually a saving grace; as it prompted me to find a therapist to discuss everything concerning my life, thoughts, feelings, emotions, hurts, wounds, toxicity, you get the picture —my whole self— I prayed and was lead to an amazing doctor of psychology! Our first session was in person and she is warm, honest, truthful, knowledgeable, compassionate, all of the things! When she affirmed my capabilities even with the presence of mental health issues and now physical limitations; referring me to an organization entitled the Department of Rehabilitation, I found a new lease on life! Shortly after our first session, I changed my major from English to my passion for Psychology, later adding Philosophy as my minor...

I've written about my thought process at the end of 2024 heading into 2025, especially after being subject to an unknown level of abuse; in the form of a "friend" presenting themselves to be a certain way in an attempt to allow me to lower my guard and not only accept them for who they appeared to be, but create a space in my heart to not only feel sentiments of love and friendship— I also expressed such. Adjusting my comfort zones to make space for their insecurities, lack of spirituality, areas in need of healing, etc. When I was invited to spend the holiday at their home [Christmas throughout New Year's] I expressed my concerns for the length of time spent together and was reassured that things would be "fine". Well things were far from "fine", as soon as I was in their company at the airport it was leading to a space of discomfort. Keeping in mind I am in the stage of my recovery from cancer diagnosis, surgery, the completion of chemotherapy, while in radiation treatment, as well as a stroke less than six (6) months prior; this "friend" decides spontaneously to go to Ikea and walk the store for three (3) hours. Never acknowledging the facts of my conditions, issues with mobility, travel [LAX experience, flight, arriving in her city and awaiting her arrival], not to mention the last time I'd eaten. When I expressed my limitations I was met with frustration and apathy. 

As the days continued and the treatment progressed to my attempt to avoid interaction with her unless absolutely necessary yet on occasion prompting a conversation to "clear the air" only to be gaslit regarding the root of the irritation spewed in my direction. After many attempts to resolve what seemed to be the issue I was met with an aggressive tone of voice, snide remarks in the form of "jokes", as well as subtle expressions of jealousy and/ or envy. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the two (2) instances where she brought up a topic known to be "off limits" which resulting in my tears; the second time it happened [in a relatively short span of time] I informed her as if she was unaware, that the topic she's probing at is in fact not a topic I discuss. When the treatment escalated, I remained silent, until I reached a point of realization— "clearly the treatment is not going to improve, she is not willing to be honest about how she feels toward you, and the longer you stay and "accept" this treatment you are betraying yourself. So how much longer are you going to betray yourself in the name of friendship, compassion, grace, understanding, and love?" With that, I contacted the airline, rescheduled my flight to leave as soon as possible along with an additional fee for doing such; finalized packing my belongings and left with my last words being an advisement to "lock your door". This was January 2, 2025.

With my birth date being January 18th, I had the intention of spending my forty- fifth (45th) birthday with said "friend" as it was a milestone, but with the experiences from 2023 & 2024, in addition to life from 2012 [the onset of mental health issues]; it was also an acknowledgment of the grace, mercy, compassion, and Love shown to me by God, not only hearing, but answering my prayer. So in the arrangement of rescheduling my flight to return home a day early, I also cancelled my birthday flight to return as a guest to spend my special day in the presence of someone who actually despises me. Neither one of us contacted the other— her being in the form of an apology or concern for my well- being or safe return home; and me informing her of her mistreatment toward me or my safe return home. It was a definite case of "out of sight, out of mind" and I embraced life. Planned a great birthday experience at a spa I've imagined visiting; with the prayer of God going before me and paving the way for an exceptional day. Being that it was my actual birthday, the spa gifted me with various amenities; as I enjoyed a facial then lunch, a conversation with management lead to another gifting of a space in a cabana and champagne; followed by an excellent massage. However, being that "friend" is completely distorted in her thought process, she chose this day to "friend" me on a social media platform where we were not connected. The way in which this was distorted to me, was the acknowledgment of my birthday without actually acknowledging my birthday then reaching out in a way that is cowardly to excite a reactionary response from me as I am celebrating my birthday excluding her company. I will admit, I was annoyed for a moment, then swiftly hit block and returned to my wonderful birthday experience.

Reliving those experiences took me to an unhappy space, so I took some time to reflect on what you all have been reading; I came across an expression "The Shape of my Heart" which interestingly enough reminded me of my latest Instagram expression for this past Sunday (photo shown below) the sentiment shared was: 

"I found this photo somewhere online many Moons ago, I often wonder “could this be my birth place?” or rather, “are these the stars of my essence?” as I know, I am stardust, magic, love, wisdom, creativity, and so much more once buried in the [sub]consciousness, heart & soul of a 5 foot 5 inch, queer, “uniquely abled” Black woman. I say “once buried” because the seeds are sprouting, the leaves are forming, the branches are sturdy, the trunk is strong [as evident by the survival of an overwhelming number of challenges, issues, pitfalls, etc.] & the roots run deep. Strengthened by the love of God and the DNA of brilliant, artistic, nurturing, Beings referred to as my Ancestors. Today [& beyond] I embrace my persnickety nature, unorthodox perspectives, and abstract thoughts. I accept my ancient ways, no longer longing to be the same as others appearing capable of “normal” belonging and connectedness. I’m a unicorn, mermaid, owl, flamingo, giraffe, shark, [you get the picture 😹😹😹 I hope], I say that to say; the fascination of my imagination amazes me too at times, so much so I desire to “let others in”; as a sea turtle, I don’t know if you can imagine the level of healing that had to occur for me to reach a space within vulnerability to allow my entire, overwhelming, childlike, personality to shine out of the hiding space I’ve kept it. confined for protection yet nourished, consoled, loved, until wounds are healing and I am able to take the shell off for a while and truly enjoy this human experience. Happy Kamille Appreciation Day 💅🏾💗✨"

I've been working on this expression since sometime in May [2025], between Spring and Summer semesters; with Summer being accelerated courses, maintaining wellness, and other pleasures I have been processing a lot as I am also readjusting to the acknowledgment of certain spiritual gifts, as well as talents, skills, attributes, and such which I refer to as a philosophy of mastery [opposed to success, as it is subjective by each individuals concept or perception of what "success" looks like for them or their community.]  I am in awe at the level of vulnerability I have shown in recent years and to think many Moons ago I was rambling on the other blog about oversharing and my fear of love. Now here I am, a vessel of love, a sacred temple of an individual Soul allowed to have a human experience! 

With that, I suppose I should revisit perhaps the first time I died in this life; or maybe I should begin with a bit of a backstory... While on the excursion down "memory lane" these past couple of weekends, I discovered an expression written in December 2014. I do not recall my location as I was in transition from the seaside inland, with an invitation soon "forgotten" as the treatment I received was far from love, care, support, or any other familial "expectation" a reasonable, rational, logical, individual would consider standard or basic engagement of connectedness and/ or belongingness. I've literally had strangers on the street [including these internet streets] who have been kind, caring, supportive, loving, mentoring, I mean all of the things you'd "expect" from people who claim to love and/ or care for you in addition to being related by blood.  The trauma runs deep, which caused me to be predisposed to various disorders according to many mental health care professionals I've seen throughout these thirteen years [2012- ongoing]. I am thankful for my therapist, academic counselor, many Tik Tok "besties", and the few friends and family who are consistently engaging regarding wellness and aging [as we are all getting older, and hopefully wiser with each day]. 

Back to the backstory:

Currently...

The pen moves in my hand like music; feeling the harmony from within searching her soul for meaning along with hidden insights from other dimensions.  6d or 7d radiating throughout my entire being.  Experiencing the elements of Earth along with those from Galaxies existing in the distant future; returning to memory as if they were handcrafted just for my desire.

Leading to thoughts of the Here- After.  Not the last time, but the first time death met me.  Understanding the portal of choice was to discover my soul's deepest, darkest, most intimate space in which to give.

a change has come

"I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I talk about things with myself."

Fyodor Dostoevsky (1821- 1881)

I spoke with my neurologist the other day as a follow up concerning the stroke I experienced last August. I've learned to read the after visit summary and doctor's notes when they are available through the health center's portal. That was the first time I've read the location within my brain where the stroke occurred. The neurologist never disclosed such information to me, however, since the introduction to psychology course I took in the beginning of the Spring semester; learning the inner workings of the brain I understood a level of gratitude that surpassed what I felt before. Had the severity of the stroke been more impactful, I could have been subjected to a quality of life vastly different than what I see in my prayers. The alternative to what the experience was and what it could have been is— I would have passed to another realm of being...

The different ways in which the experience could have gone, I am beyond grateful and thankful of the grace, compassion, and mercy God showed me. The experience of the stroke was intriguing as I was driving on the freeway and did not know I had a stroke until the following day. The stroke created a symptom of double vision, which lead the doctors to believe it occurred in one area of the brain; initially a doctor told me, my vision would remain that way permanently. I said "no, it won't" and let it go; later an ophthalmologist said, I may need surgery to correct it, again, I said "no, I won't"; he then stated that with time the condition could "correct itself on it's own". However, he suggested I see another type of optometrist to prescribe glasses with a prism to eliminate the occurrence of double vision. I will admit, I made the appointment yet with more thought, prayer, and meditation; I believed God would heal me without the need for surgery or "special" glasses to see as I have. Not only did God correct the double vision, follow up appointments showed improvement— leaving the doctors astonished by how quickly and precisely the healing occurred. 

Further investigation confirmed a different location, initially, I was unsure why the neurologist decided not to disclose the complete information about the stroke; until I researched the area and what it means for that part of the brain to be affected.  Perhaps there was a question of how that information could affect me as a person who experiences mental health issues. I then researched the spiritual meaning of a stroke in that particular area, which spoke of shifting consciousness as well as spiritual awakening; reflecting upon the time of the stroke [August 2024] and the knowledge of this information [April 2025] I can attest to the experience of the feelings confirming and affirming the revelation of my purpose and the why of my mind, heart, and soul to pursue the goals of my dreams. 

As I felt the energy of the past New Moon, the current Waxing Crescent in Cancer has shown emotional growth as a result of the shadow work I have been doing for some time. As the smoke fills the air and the music speaks of being in alignment of our dreams which I have interpreted as feeling the connection of your self [mind, body, soul intertwined as one]. I am encouraged to continue along my path, with a knowing that I am in alignment with God, myself, and my aspirations. After learning more of the Saturn Ring Plane Crossing and it's affects on Capricorn [Sun Sign], I feel even more attuned to my self. Recognizing personal as well as emotional growth, areas to focus on improving, while acknowledging areas I am not ready to explore as of yet. I have released many limiting beliefs, thoughts, and energies as I called in gentleness, compassion, and love. Nurturing myself in areas of discipline, self-care, self- love, and elevation. Determined to realize the woman of my dreams— my higher self as my mind, body, and soul visualize myself throughout my dreams or vision I have of my future self.    

Experiencing an awakening within my biological and astrological make up has brought about a deeper understanding of many things around me. Observing myself making different decisions, trusting my intuition, and healing the wounds of lifetimes I do not remember. Showing a willingness to have the honest yet difficult conversations we often avoid, with an openness to gain an alternate perspective, and desire to find resolution. I will admit, I've felt this energy before and it scared me; this time I recognize how I have matured [spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically]. With the inner work I've been participating in and the level of honesty I am being with myself has brought about a knowing from within that has liberated me from some of the oppressive bonds we are indoctrinated with. In my opinion, these bonds clip our wings of possibility for our creative abilities and imagination to flourish and thrive. 

I am reminded of a time when this particular song [which is currently playing for the 4th time today] was difficult for me to hear and eventually I grew to detest it, as I felt as if my dreams were unattainable; so a song suggesting aligning with the energy of being "closer to my dreams" was like a slap in the face of the life I desire yet situations created circumstances making those visions feel as if they were impossible for me. I've come to delight in the transformation of seeking to align with the energy of my dreams to yearning to find that energy and now embodying the feelings associated with accomplishing the goals I've been gifted to envision. The idea that I experienced an instant of unconsciousness as I drove with slight vision impairment to later discover I'd experienced a stroke brings thoughts to the other near- death experiences and moments of unconsciousness I've had in this lifetime [thus far].      

During the challenging times of my Philosophy- Symbolic Logic course [I am counting down until the final exam is completed!] there was a moment when I recognized a paradigm shift in consciousness as I did not understand the concept, then in a wink my mind expanded and suddenly understanding, knowledge, and wisdom entered with a whisper of insightfulness so subtle had I not been in that state of mind I may have misinterpreted it. While in meditation as well as the pseudo- spiritual practice of cannabis use with the intention of stimulating the endocannabinoid system/ receptors within the body in an effort to elevate consciousness as well as activate my pineal gland, I was no longer afraid when the expected effects began to shine forth. Since the cancer diagnosis, treatment, stroke, and recovery I am no longer the girl searching for meaning and purpose. With each step in the direction of well-being, I began to walk in the footsteps paved by my higher self, along the unique journey orchestrated by Infinite Intelligence and my soul.          

The song "I know I've been changed" comes to mind as I attempt to reminisce on the numerous times I've been in a state of unconsciousness, those memories have been suppressed as the experience may have been between God, my soul, and my body therefore, my mind can not grasp the magnitude or complexity of the spiritual aspect of what was happening. In this moment the thought comes to mind of being before God with an open heart in the realm of consciousness, embedding the specific codes for realization of the goals, dreams, visions, meaning, and purpose for my life. As the decision of life or the transition toward another reality for each soul is in the power of the One who Created said soul. Recently, while completing documentation for learning testing, I was asked various questions including whether I've ever been unconscious due to illness or injury and to my surprise I have several times; due to a car accident, surgeries, the stroke, and another traumatic experience my brain has chosen to black out for my protection. With that said, I am certain I should have died many times in this lifetime yet God has shown favor, as I can only decode those events of my life not being the end is due to the purpose I have in sharing my interpretation of the human experience as I walk along my journey.  

Many times this past week I have experienced my inner child feeling seen, heard, understood, and rejuvenated; as I am healing areas within where I do not know how, when, or who planted the seeds or nourished them to grow into the wounds which occurred. Nevertheless, I am actively dissecting them, getting to the roots, digging up what no longer or has never served me while planting seeds of optimism, encouragement, determination, ambition, dedication, motivation, and nurturing them with love. There was a time in the not so distant past where I did not love myself, or care very much if I awoke from my slumber or not. I made choices which reflected that, although subtle; many never acknowledged or even noticed the silent cries for help, or relief. As I typed those words, my heart whispered; God heard them and during those times of unconsciousness, God ministered to my soul and spoke to my body; setting alarms to warn me. The last medical scare I had in February 2025, either God or my soul spoke to me and asked flat out "do you want to live or do you want to die?" it had come down to the meat and potatoes with no way to skate around the reality of the situation, it was in that circumstance that I knew, I wanted to live. I was no longer satisfied with simply existing, questioning my purpose, or the meaning of my life. 

As I wrote in the expression which was my public introduction to blogging, "How Did I Get Here?"; I expressed being hidden in my mother's womb for most of the pregnancy as an assurance of life. As motherhood is an interesting assignment as you are a whole woman before you are someone's mother, yet parts of yourself is expected to be sacrificed as we nurture and care for our offspring. I say that because I have questions, yet woman to woman I do not feel as if it is tactful to ask them. Earlier this week I asked myself of my fascination with flamingo's, superficially I'd always assumed that it was because of their beautiful pink plumage (color); then I did a semi- deep dive into how female flamingo's will lose their plumage after childbirth as they are providing nourishment, they are depleting their own pigmentation. However, once the offspring matures and the mother will begin to restore the nutrients causing her to exude her gorgeous, pink hue again. That resonated with me so deeply, as there are many attributes of the flamingo that I love and can associate myself with. Throughout my many expressions, especially on "The World Outside My Window Blog", even the tagline states "a glimpse into the mind of a Girl evolving, loving, learning, growing, becoming, a Woman" as I think of the intention of letting it be known that this is simply a glimpse or a brief look into my mind; should you read the thoughts expressed you will see the vagueness and ambiguity of my words compared to what I share now.

As I will always be that girl, striving to be my perfect rendition of Infinite Intelligence having a human experience; expressed through my unique perception, interpretation, skills, insights, abilities, talents, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and circumstances or experience. There have been times of happiness, unhappiness, destress, uncertainty, yet I believe my faith has not wavered; I now consider myself the woman, choosing to realize the dreams of an adolescent girl with goals of becoming a therapist with an unorthodox thought- process to aid others like myself who are willing and committed to the betterment of themselves. Like flamingo's in the wild— able to fly and soar to heights thought impossible [as we are indoctrinated with the knowledge of flamingo's caged within the confines of a zoo whose wings are clipped, engulfed in oppression, as the purpose is to admire their beauty yet strip them of their agency and autonomy of being free animals] created by God to thrive in their environment.

I suppose that's how it all ties together, the idea of my near death experiences and the realization of the reasoning behind my fascination with flamingo's and their beautiful attributes. I've witnessed myself change, from an insecure, moody, bratty, spoiled, only child to an optimistic, caring, understanding, communicative woman; with the ability to express myself fully and authentically. Striving for my interpretation of perfection [not in the societal sense of the concept of having "no flaws or defects"], but in the sense of realizing my true authentic self— walking in the radiance of actualized thought, speaking with purpose, and being her [Me]. As stated in the above expression of "How Did I Get Here", I have not allowed myself to return to that "dark unhappy space", not that the path since 2012 has not been without moments of unhappiness, the change is— I have not allowed myself to dwell as I did in the purview of despair as I once did. I am not only dreaming, but achieving the milestones necessary to actualize my dreams into my reality. A change has come and there's only upward and onward from here; with sights on being a college graduate while sharing the thoughts and experiences thus far and beyond until the prefix before my name says Doctor with the suffix being PhD. Ever learning, growing, gardening my being of uprooting beliefs and dogma while planting and nurturing seeds of success, accomplishment, and dreams coming true.

Until next time...

Kamille 

destination- happiness

 "The pen writes, but the heart shapes the words." 

— Persian Proverb

In this moment I realize the events of the other day caused me to experience a multitude of emotions.  As the day begun, I already knew I had a workshop at my school, in preparation for Summer and Fall Semesters. Since I have anxiety challenges, I tend to check in with myself often; during those moments I am intentional with my prayers and meditation, as I prepared to arrive. For me, anxiety challenges also include social anxiety; as I got myself together for the drive I felt anxious and excited. As I drove, I shifted between prayer and meditation. My philosophy regarding such is that prayer is when I petition, ask, or request knowledge, wisdom, understanding, etc. from God; while meditation is when I listen for or recognize when God is talking to me. I've acknowledged an aspect within myself of having the desire to "control" everything; navigating in this experience I now recognize how that no longer aligns with the Woman I am becoming.  I've been listening to different streaming services more often than my go-to app. I chose to listen to my preferred app many Moons ago,  as a way to allow myself the space to tune into my vibe; especially while I'm driving with the responsibility of being authentic while managing anxiety in a social setting, I typically listen to one that allows for more guidance regarding the queue. So as I am driving various songs play [although I have the ability to "skip", I am unaware of what's to come]; nevertheless, the emotions range from anxious to inspired, creative, hopeful, with moments of grief, but overall "happy". Leading to the time of arrival, nervousness was present however, so was confidence and I began to feel calm. I arrived a little early however, still ended up being late; I felt my happy, excited mood begin to diminish. Thankfully, I was the second and last student to arrive, upon entry I was still welcomed, gained understanding, and was social.

I was prepared, left earlier than necessary, and even called before the drive to get proper directions to the workshop, as I am unfamiliar with the campus; as an online student. Realizing I was misguided, I had to pivot; resulting in hiking around campus to arrive at the correct location. At some point, I sensed something was going on with the Cosmos, as planets are in Retrograde [Mercury and Venus], there's a Solar Eclipse coming, and Saturn has begun its Ring- Plane Crossing. I have not had efficient time to deep dive into the meanings of all of that as I would like to yet the awareness of Astrology, Astronomy, Cosmology, and Tarot; keeps me in harmony with myself, allowing me to sustain my alignment with the Universe and God. As Astrology is still considered a "pseudo- science", I acknowledge the effects I experience as I've learned to understand the dance between them [Astrology, Astronomy, Cosmetology, Tarot, and the Universe]. As I left school, I had an added approach to my issues with Philosophy- Symbolic Logic, as well as the Statistics course I am anticipating in the Fall. Before heading home, I ran an errand which uprooted my plans for the remainder of the day; that's when frustration and confusion showed up. The events of my errand lead to another errand which turned my overall happy, fulfilling, and exciting day into something surprising and out of my control. In that moment, I said a prayer and by the time I posted a video on social media, I was overall proud of myself, for the way in which I handled the ambush of my feelings, emotions, and plans. 

I spent the next day in a rather unpleasant mood; I now interpret the umbrella shielding those other emotions was the familiar maladaptive coping mechanism of feeling helpless, therefore hopeless. I went to my dreams the night before in good spirits, in my conversation with God [prayer and meditation], I felt a sense of trust that God heard me and would intervene on my behalf; while understanding and acknowledging this as an opportunity for growth; leading me on my path as I am walking in the footsteps of my future self, as well as a chance to measure my growth pertaining to the topic in which the conflict resides. Although, this was just a day, or even less than 24 hours ago [longer as I complete this expression], I have already handled the situation differently than I have in the past. I did not "crash out", have an anxiety attack, or seek counsel from unqualified people; I said my prayers, meditated, then awoke with a plan to follow up with the calls I made prior as I navigated the moments of stress, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. With each interaction met with disadvantageous results, the feelings of helplessness re-entered the chat. I began to fear, then I remembered the conversation with God, and my social media message, then I had a thought of Saturn and it's "Ring-Plane Crossing", like, Retrogrades, all an illusion causing one thing to seem or appear as something else. With Retrogrades, the speed of the planet's rotation becomes so reduced that it appears to be moving backwards. Another element attributing to this illusion is the vantage point from Earth, which makes me think of the concept of perception. 

Quick story-time, in November 2005 I had a near fatal car accident; the cause- a drunk driver crashed into me; however, being transparent and accountable, the drunk driver would not have collided with my car had I not been there. Meaning, I was in that location, because my car ran out of gas and I was stranded on the side of the freeway, due to me neglecting to fill up throughout my "busy" day. Fast forward to present day, I believe everyone in my life is aware of that happenstance, so one particular person often admonishes me about having gas in my car; I believe they perceive me as an irresponsible person [I can only speculate based on observations of our conversations regarding certain topics]. Nevertheless, when they are a passenger in my car, they always mention a car wash and getting gas; it has begun to annoy me, until I thought to ask someone else a question for clarity. While driving my Mom, I asked "how does the fuel gauge appear from where you're sitting [the passenger side of the vehicle]?" Her reply was that "it appears empty"; I said "oh" and we continued toward our destination. From the vantage point of the passenger seat, it gives the illusion of another level, which can be interpreted as my "fuel is empty or low". However, from my perspective, coupled with the knowledge of the fact the fuel gauge is accurate and reading as it should. I have a clearer view of what's going on, where as someone else has unreliable information; this becomes a dimension of a pseudo-conflict with the ability to escalate, if mishandled. 

That came to mind as it relates to the Cosmos; to us on Earth, Saturn's Rings seem to "disappear" until November 2025 and various planets appear to orbit "backwards" as they are in Retrograde for specific time periods. I recently experienced a hardship effecting me for approximately six (6) months, in this moment I am faced with a circumstance which is eerily similar to the issue which was resolved recently. I say all that to say, as I was typing the words shared thus far, I realized that situation is an illusion as well, to water the seeds of doubt, fear, and limiting beliefs. Should I allow that to occur, I would be providing the "nourishment" for the things contrary to the desires growing within my mind and heart. As I am learning and striving to embody the discipline, determination, and varied characteristics necessary for the life I dream of; I understand this is not the time to doubt, it's the time to persevere. The last time I was in a situation similar to this, I had a "friend" who helped me through it, well we are no longer "friends"; so one limiting belief concerning uncertainty and fear was, the doubt that I could get through this without said "friend". One thing I love about my relationship with God is how thoughts of our conversations randomly come to mind, well maybe not randomly; as they are typically at the most consequential times. So as the thought of that person came to mind, and I began to question "who would be there for me as I go through this?", a brief thought came to mind and to be honest I don't recall what the thought was, because I did not allow it to finish before reminding myself "there is a reason you are no contact!" In addition to the reassurance I felt knowing God is with me and how everything along my journey is to prosper me [mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally, and physically]. 

Reminded of the understanding for my request of a "soft life", I must know my responsibilities as the co-Creator of said life; with God in the driver's seat. I should stay in my lane [so to speak] as the passenger, trusting that God not only knows the destination; God knows the directions to arrive safely and in divine timing. When I drive, I am usually alone; at times I'll provide transportation to someone and certain people simply can't seem to control their need to manipulate the power dynamic of the situation. Offering unsolicited advice regarding directions, although the gps is clearly displayed on the dashboard. Often depending on my mood, I'll either let it slide [once or twice] before correcting them; with the reality of my authority [or position], as the driver and owner of the vehicle; I also know where I'm going. As I assure myself of the call for rest. joy, and a creative expression was not a "waste" of the day; I find myself speaking with perfectionism. Allowing myself "permission" to take an intermission from studies and other nonessential obligations to do something I enjoy. And here we are...

As I prepare for my dreams with a "busy" day ahead, I have prepared for an on time arrival to all of my appointments and will prepare with prayer and meditation. Oh speaking of, I also have a therapy session; as I mentioned, I have not spoken about the specifics with anyone who isn't qualified to offer assistance or quality advice. I knew as things were unravelling that I would only speak to God and my therapist concerning my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and plan of action; while seeking guidance, advice, and/ or confirmation of the way in which I am approaching the situation. Recently, I've adopted a philosophy regarding sharing personal information and remembered the phrase of "on a need-to-know basis", as I find typically when venting we tend to overshare, in addition to that, the person we are venting to is typically a friend or family member. Although, they may love, care, and/or show concern; oftentimes they are not qualified to offer solutions, resources, guidance, or actionable advice. It simply becomes a negative spiral of oversharing disheartening or unpleasant experiences, while providing "intel" which can be used for gossip; which (in my opinion) is counter-productive. So, I've learned to take it to God, from there I feel guided with who to speak with for additional support or advocacy. 

One of my Aunt's and I have a unique relationship, as she messages me nearly each morning to share motivational, encouraging, and/or loving meme's. This week however, the messages were of encouragement and what I felt as confirmation in relation to conversations I've had with God. My Aunt, being unaware of the way in which my week began and progressed simply continued doing what she was already doing. So, the other day, after having challenges with various moods, along with brief encounters where doubt, disbelief, helplessness, and hopelessness attempted to overpower me; I opened my laptop to begin coursework when the morning message from my Aunt was awaiting my attention. I opened the text and it was something in reference to the scripture, Jeremiah 17:7-8, which reads in the NIV version:

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

I proceeded to read the entire chapter, took a breath, and called my Aunt. I inquired why she sent that particular message to me, as it is not her usual offering. Which lead to a conversation of her expressing how she feels lead to send certain messages to specific people, and that message was intended for me. I understood what she meant immediately; as I often have that experience as well, especially in my writing. I typically pray and set intentions ["Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable and pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my [firm, immovable] rock and my Redeemer." Psalms 19:14, AMP] before I begin writing; as my thoughts are organized, I meditate, envisioning strings connecting my consciousness, heart, and hands [specifically, my fingers] becoming intertwined to convey what my soul intends to share. I then shared with my Aunt a quote which I love, by Rumi; interestingly, I had shared the quote with a friend the day before, as I was speaking of my default depth of disclosure; as I feel the level in which I interact with others may be "a little too deep", as many engage in "small talk", gossip, topics of popular culture, and the like. While I may engage in small talk, I can only do so in small doses. The quote reads as follows:

" Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots."

I explained to my Aunt, that her messages were a sense of confirmation concerning my commitment to trust God, not only during this time of uncertainty, but throughout the remainder of my existence. I feel as if God not only heard my words, but felt the sincerity in my heart; as our rapport has evolved so much since the days of old [as I've mentioned before, in the expression: "My religion is love"].  In this moment I can admit to being proud of myself; Reading the expressions of my younger self, while dreaming of the things I desire to say to my higher self as I experience moments with my future self, the Woman in my dreams; speaks to me. I am finally in a space where I recognize my voice. Reading those experiences allowed me to truly embrace the Woman I've always dreamed of being. I recognize myself differently as well as the journey it took me to arrive at a space in God where I have a different awareness; and although as many others I find myself to be a nontraditional person navigating in a society that pressures us to be a specific way, according to their "norms", guidelines, and bias, To remain authentic, while managing all aspects of the human experience can feel exhausting and liberating simultaneously. That what I mean when I ponder the words of Rumi, I think of how deeply I experience myself while embodying the energy of my dreams. I feel connected to myself in a wonderful way as well as connected to God; even through unpleasant circumstances. My younger, less mature self handled things as society would suggest; which lead to the many things I had to, and am still processing, analyzing, evaluating, praying, and meditating concerning. 

I heard my mind ask my body, "how is your heart?"; and I felt my heart smile; as my soul inquired and felt a hug. . I was able to express my self in a creative way, in addition to spending time with the Moon, at the beach, as well as the gym. I feel as if I gave my younger self a hug while greeting my future self within my being. As I glance at the time I acknowledge I should devote some time, attention, and focus toward my studies, as I am doing well; however, I would love to do better, in a mindset of mastering the knowledge, as opposed to simply doing the work for a grade or perfectionism. As I am aware of the characteristics of certain traits of the Woman of my dreams. The me I was created to be. , I am also aware of myself [to my core], as I am a competitive person; I only complete with myself, to embody the characteristics that I feel are woven into my soul. Recognizing the co-creation aspect of my relationship with God from a different perspective; I had a lovely day, as I allowed myself to rest as well and simply enjoy the day. I was encouraged, encouraging, productive, social, and authentic; and it felt lovely. It feels good to share, as I was able to swim through some memories and outdated beliefs that I've outgrown, I am unsure how this expression will come together, but I am excited to see how it braids together...

Perimopause is nothing to underestimate, as the fog of cannabis smoke filled my brain, I recognized the awesomeness of God and I am truly beyond words at the love I feel to know that God is truly my best friend. The relationship with myself far outweighs any relationship. which is a reflection of God and the love we share. As I recall a few of my initial words I feel my being intertwined, as the words dance across the past. The movements are as if they were poetry, the way my body is allowing my heart and soul to express itself. An early morning calls my name and I must prepared again to be social, I must meet my dreams, after praying, setting intensions, and meditating; I awoke with many "tabs" open in my mind; thoughts of personal growth, shadow work prompts, and many other concepts I am working through, I recognized when my mind and brain began to organize those thoughts in a way of guidance to figure out my day. I realized some time ago, how important it is for me to balance creativity as well as structure. The way in which I embrace my creative expression, and experience is in understanding, accepting, and embracing; the unique combination of gifts, skills, talents, desires, etc. that comprise the authentic version of my interpretation of the presence of God guiding me through this human experience with the treasure map in the form of my dreams.

As my mind organized the tabs in my brain, I realized an aspect of the challenge I am experiencing with Philosophy- Symbolic Logic;  I figure the issue may stem from the way in which I reason, I often ask myself if I am "being reasonable"; I recognize my ability to "dream big" however, the seeds planted of various limiting beliefs, consisted of the notion that my dreams were unattainable, unrealistic, and/ or unreasonable. As I participate in "gardening" through shadow work as a form of self- care, with self- love, I tend to my soul; uprooting the seeds of doubt, disbelief, fear, anxiety, etc. replanting seeds of encouragement, confidence, perseverance, determination, love, etc. Understanding the sense of validation, accomplishment, pride, love- it's as if I have met myself at a depth that I only imagined was possible, I felt I have been given the opportunity to tend to the garden of my heart and mind. I feel as if I have unlocked a version of myself who knows the way to the next level of my dreams, as if she's been practicing the obstacle course I find myself in need of navigation for. Recently I revisited the "book" of Genesis in the Bible. I read it with a new vision and comprehension; the best I can explain it is I now feel a sense of being, created by God and chosen to tend to the "garden of Eden" [within- mind, body, soul, and spirit]. As I am finding balance with "in my bubble" I knew I needed to write creatively in an authentic space outside of academia. I am becoming more confident in my approach to my studies yet on the blogs, I am able to throw structure to the side [so to speak] and allow my being to translate the words of my soul. It becomes tricky at times, when switching the appropriate degree of authenticity for any given situation, through various circumstances; as my default depth is. focused on the roots; while many of the objectives from society speaks to remaining in the branches.

The other thing is the gumbo of thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions, ideas, concepts, and the like; have been flooding my head and heart for quite some time. As I am organizing them, I find myself missing Goddess Radio, curated through the app that is no longer in business [I suppose}. So the idea that I could go "live" on social media was exciting. Although it will not be structured as Goddess Radio was, it is still a fun, and creative outlet to express myself. Oh, back to Genesis; After the life events of the past couple of years, I recognized my very breath is powered by God, the appreciation I now have for each breath, and gift- of my senses; I do not take being alive lightly. Until this moment I've felt like I've been existing, with very few moments of truly living. After that stroke, I plead with God to allow me to see my 45th birthday. I also petitioned for the opportunity to make the necessary adjustments shift from existing to living. I feel as if I am on that journey. Stretching myself through the discomfort of unlearning habits which were based in fear and also, the discomfort and bravery it takes to embrace calmness, happiness, ease, joy, knowledge, etc.- [as society benefits when our central nervous system is out of whack, and we are unable to truly focus on communion with God and our community; we are fearful of every day living, keeping us "stuck" in the patterns of dysfunction (in my opinion)]. Nevertheless, I am choosing to persevere through the obstacles of life as I intend to reach the desired destination from my dreams; through various Universal Laws, as well as my relationship with God. Prioritizing the concept of God being a co-Creator for my unique human experience; planting desires within my heart and mind of goals to accomplish while I have the breath to do so...

I believe the ideas of a future are instilled within us as messages from God and should we choose to accept such a journey to actualize those dreams we will find our purpose and authentic self discovered by obtain them. Taking the necessary steps in order to achieve the goals we are striving for as the dream must be attainable, otherwise, why would we dream them? How could we visualize an unattainable destination? Unless, it is possible, reasonable, "realistic", and desirable to mature until success is exhibited through perseverance, determination, faith, and the necessary effort to reach the "finish-line". As I encourage myself, I encourage the collective to continue to dream big; shut out the "noise" of doubt and fear, and connect with our "higher self" and God to collaborate a path from the desire to completion. I wish for us all the strength to persevere and the love to do so at ease, according to the law of "the path of least resistance" Not in the metaphorical sense, but in the physical sense; as water flows in relation to the laws of rhythm, vibration, action, and gestation. Combining these laws in connection with a relationship with God, allows for us to flow with the energies, frequencies, and vibrations of our goals and dreams as a way to arrive safely, and in divine timing; rather than as salmon swimming upstream. Suggesting the need to "work hard" or "fighting" the current to tirelessly arrive at the destination, as opposed to pivoting when necessary to flow with the urges of our being to achieve the necessary milestones along the treasure map toward our goals, dreams, and desires.

Wishing us all a successful journey, embracing opportunities for growth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and love.

Until next time,

Kamille