Where Is The Moon?

"fall in love with taking care of yourself. fall in love with the path of deep healing. fall in love with the best version of yourself, but with patience, with compassion and respect for your own journey."

@spiritualmovement (instagram)

I find myself in a familiar space and although I know its a test of my growth I find myself anxious and a bit weary of how things may go. Add to that the astroid Chiron has returned to it's direct position in the cosmos; if I've learned anything about Chiron, it is known as the wounded healer and from my experience will take you to some triggering spaces in order to heal past trauma. With that you have eclipses and the great conjunction happening December 21, 2020. I have so many things on my mind at any given moment I sometimes forget to check in with myself and not regress into some form of autopilot. I've been doing good at managing my stress, staying in tuned with my own energy and I even came one step closer to contacting my therapist for a check in. I feel as if that is progress as I continue to navigate this new life I find myself living. Since the onset of mental health issues I've learned so much about myself yet I find myself learning more as the days pass. Some of the things that used to trigger me don't have the same effects, which I am happy about. It makes me feel as if I can see my growth and areas of maturity.

Lately, emotions have surfaced that at times I can not put my finger on exactly what the feelings are; but the above quote has helped me settle down a bit and not focus on the things out of my control while trusting GOD and the Universe to guide me through to along this specific passage of my journey. I think the quote by Susan Meissner which says “To love is not to be fragile; it is to be unlocked and open. And when something is open, other things can come in.” I believe by showing myself love I am then able to be open and available for my prayers as well as new things to come in, I think by not focusing on my problems and allowing the space for GOD to carve out a path for me has helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety. 

I feel a love for life that seems familiar yet has a newness that I cannot put into words. I began a few expressions over the past month, but for some reason; mainly distractions I have been unable to complete them. I feel as if I may revisit them in the near future and possibly expound on them or discard them altogether. I feel a freeing of my spirit in learning to not hold on to things so tightly, to detach in ways I never thought to before I focused so heavily on self care and self love. Finding the things which serve my highest good as opposed to easy fixes and shortcuts or self sabotage. I feel a multitude of things ranging from weary to excited, I suppose that's where bipolar comes in, thankfully I have the right cocktail to keep it at bay. I've been able to tap into a space of optimism that is keeping me grounded as the days turn to night and I haven't seen the Moon in days. I feel a tad bit uneasy having missed the Moon for so long, anxious awaiting the night (or day) when she appears again. 

With everything going on in the cosmos I feel like a ball of energy waiting to burst, I know some of it is excitement while other parts are anxiety and fear of the unknown or uncertainty. It's a tough spot to be in when you have no other option, but to trust GOD fully and truly; During this time of year I typically spend much of the day in prayer and fasting, some days better than others. I've taken up that practice some years ago and find the spiritual growth that comes along with it is unmatched compared to all of my other practices throughout the year. I also, do my best to observe a specified time of day to pray, meditate and be still; a time I've labeled sacred time. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping the day away finding my dreams more desirable than my reality; now I feel as if I have awakened and am becoming the person to make those dreams come true. I am becoming more committed to my fitness journey and willing to accept that the changes won't come overnight, but with consistency and determination. I'm also committed to a few other goals that although they are more long-term; I feel an urge to set some things into motion even if it's at a snails pace. I feel like this quote explains my feelings at the moment exactly; "We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."- Paulo Coelho

It's as if I am standing with one foot on my faith (the abyss) with the other foot on my fairytale (goals and dreams) awaiting the path to appear. I would be lying if I said it was not a scary place to be in, but the faith has to be as strong as the dreams or how would they manifest? I feel as if I am at a standstill awaiting a message for blessing from GOD in order to move forward into the next chapter of my life...

Mysteries Of My Heart

" I am my own muse, I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.” 

Frida Kahlo

Oftentimes, I find inspiration from within; usually from a song lyric or a quote. Times like now, I was writing on the other blog and I "lost" the inspiration to complete and share the entry. I felt as if I were rambling especially with the Sun in Scorpio and the Moon in Pisces (at the time) along with the Full Moon approaching. I was awakened by the itch of eczema on my hands and after applying the necessary creams and oils the itch was relieved, however, now I can't sleep. So I decided to write out some thoughts and see where they lead.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of tarot readings for myself and the results have been extremely accurate. At one point it seemed as if the cards were quoting my blog entries verbatim; which was not surprising the way that I've been experiencing synchronicities and seeing angel numbers. I suppose with the Moon now in Aries, I'm feeling a bit restless and I am not completely sure why that is. Another thing I've been doing has been massaging my third eye; then I indulged in a strain called "Golden Dream" and that it is, I've had the most vivid dreams even seeing loved ones who have passed on. As I said on an instagram post, I felt the sensation of tingles up my spine until they reached my brain and began massaging each part. I will admit, that doesn't happen often; but with a true sativa I'll get that effect which is quite delightful. Which reminds me of the following quote:"Enter the ruins of your heart, and learn the meaning of humility. Close both eyes and see the mysteries of your inner eye."- Rumi.

I feel as if I've entered a different part of myself and perhaps that's why the other post needed a break as I merged the parts of myself from the ruins of my heart and the mysteries of my inner eye. At times, as a Capricorn (Sun sign) it is difficult to understand the workings of my heart, seeing how I'm usually "in my head". I think that's why I've had much difficulty in searching for the desires of my heart, past writing. I think it's the safest thing to share on here, that I desire to write; which seems self explanatory. My other desire is to know myself, to the point I study my natal chart often and even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to gain more insight. Outside of that I draw a blank, searching for meaning or purpose especially when getting to know more about soul contracts and such. I have many questions on that topic yet no one to discuss it with; I figure the answers will come to me in the appropriate time so I take my thoughts to other places.

Recently, I've been cleansing my heart; focusing on past hurts and heartbreaks and releasing them. Releasing the feelings and emotions connected to those experiences which are no longer for my highest good. I feel a bit lighter, reconciling those feelings took a lot of energy, but it felt like the right time to let it all go. In freeing that space I hope to learn more about what makes my heart beat. I think I want to know what else my heart desires past the two things mentioned above, then I think of love...

I think that's the topic I avoid on the blog, although I feel as if I share my personal life; I know I keep much of my self to myself. I feel as if I may have lost sight of my passion, I am not sure what I am passionate about. I used to be passionate about my health and fitness, a lover, my career and such, I suppose as those things came to an end I misplaced my passion for things. I don't know if I am as passionate as I should be about my heart's desires which may be why I found it difficult to tap into those things. In this moment I feel as if a desire of my heart is to be in love, I feel as if I'm overflowing with love to give and receive in return. I'm beginning to feel as if I am finally ready to take my tarot readers advice and truly open myself to the possibility of meeting someone new. I don't recall the last time I felt this way or if I ever have, but sharing this with you all will assist in it's manifestation. I am not in a rush for this to happen, but I am looking forward to it. Now I'm sitting here listening to music and waiting for this edible to kick in, still no sleep in sight. Part of me thinks if I get in bed and turn the lights and music off I may drift off to sleep while the other part of me doubts that would be the case. 

I did just that; as I laid there in silence I thought of many things to share, but as I drifted off to sleep they were lost in my dreams. Another day passes and the thought of love is still heavy on my mind. Perhaps its the approach of the winter season that's got me feeling this way, or maybe it's just the way the stars have aligned. I felt a clarity after the Full Moon came and went; as if there were blockages which needed to be released with my affirmations and mantras. I feel as if expressing these thoughts in such a public way I am co-creating with the Universe that which I am discovering to be my passions and desires. I am looking forward to learning this aspect of myself and excited to see things unfold and how much I will share with you all...

Then I saw a quote that pretty much sums it all up-

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring"- Oscar Wilde

Sitting In Silence

 "sit, be still and listen"

- Rumi

Years ago I discovered what is believed to be "sacred time"; which is the time of the day observed to honor God, however that is for you. I use that time to pray, meditate and focus on my hearts desires. I found that last part a bit difficult until recently, as I wrote before, I'm learning to dream and set goals again, taking much thought into where I see myself in years to come. The vision has yet to become clear, but I am having fun dreaming of various scenarios; even if God has something different in store. Over the years I've learned to leave room for God to guide me, taking heed to red flags, gut feelings and synchronicities. I also learned of a few tools such as my natal chart, astrology, astronomy, energy cleansing, chakras and tarot which assists with things my intuition leads me to. I find it fascinating when my tarot reader tells me something only I know about myself or a circumstance, whenever I have a deep urgency to schedule a session that happens and I know I'm on the right path. I have been practicing reading tarot cards for a while now and while writing I decided to take a break and read the cards for myself; interestingly enough I got insight on things discussed in my last session. I'd been anxious about something said and was questioning whether I should do something to speed up the process and the cards definitely gave me the answer I needed. I'm working on practicing patience when it comes to things I want, the former brat in me want's what I want when I want it, but as I am maturing I am attempting to exercise restraint and allowing things to flow to me in their appropriate time. With some things this can be more difficult than with others, depending on my excitement for whatever it is I am desiring at the time. I'm learning to be still and listen, I suppose that's what patience is for, sitting still enough to allow the answers to come in their own magical way. 

The only thing about that is anxiety, ocd and happiness; which is an interesting cocktail of emotions. Anxiety would have me skipping ahead a few steps to interject myself into the mix hoping to get the response that I desire; ocd will keep it on my mind until I do something. While happiness is the voice of reason reminding me of my current state of mind and how I don't want to do anything to unravel that. At one point I thought I had an attention disorder because it was almost impossible for me to sit or be still. Even in writing I often ask myself where is this going or how will this end, but I've learned to quiet the questions and allow the words to come forth as they see fit. I take a deep breath, look around the room and realize there's no music playing, no incense burning or marijuana smoke in the air. I don't always need that to write, but I do like the vibe of it all; it makes me feel connected to something higher than myself; as if I am tapped into the Universe and the necessary words come to me as they should. I've been focused again on my purpose and what I think it is, I'm still a little unsure, but a few things come to mind. Of course I feel as if I have a purpose to write and share my experiences and thoughts with others; yet I am curious about how my love and study of the aforementioned tools may be apart of it too. I don't quite know how that factors in, but I do know that the readings I've done for others have been just as insightful as my readings for myself. I love that feeling, especially when it's someone who "isn't into that stuff" like tarot, natal charts, retrogrades and the like. I feel a sense of happiness in watching someone awaken to new things.

I find myself wanting to find other writer friends to chat with; or more friends in general, I think. I feel like a broken record to say this again, but I feel as if I'm coming out of my shell. It may be seasonal or a part of the liberation a particular age brings; I am unsure, but I know I need to do something with this energy. I've been focused on attracting the right people for me, I guess you can say my tribe. That's also something I am learning to be still with, not rushing the process of meeting people who also enjoy writing or metaphysical things. Although I am still learning I like talking to people on different levels of understanding when it comes to these types of things. I like the idea of each person learning something from one another rather than one person being the "expert" on all things discussed; that gets pretty boring really quickly. Lately, I reintroduced my studying of kundalini as well as each chakra and how to balance them; I even signed up for daily grounding during this Mercury retrograde as well as a cleanse which is just in time for scorpio season. Some believe scorpio season is about "rebirth and how our souls are cleansed from the old cycles which no longer serve us". I even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to get a better understanding of myself. It's amazing how these things are so accurate, It's funny because if someone said this is how I would be years ago I would have laughed; before I was so logical, going only by "facts" with no room for the supernatural, now I'm all about it. Reminds me of the quote by Rumi- “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

It's been over a decade that I was introduced to natal charts, chakras and such; and I can see how knowing these things contributed to my awakening of sorts, it wasn't until the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack and the aftermath of it all that I can see how it has changed me and like the quote suggests this side may be better than the one I left. Of course some days I don't see it that way, but today I do. I think the chaos of it all flipped a switch and something within me knew I could no longer go on the way that I was, add abuse to that and the trauma was more than that version of myself could bare. However, it's a bit bittersweet because some days I miss my old life; like in this moment there is a part of me that wishes I could time travel to certain instances in the past and do things differently. Since that is not possible I pray that in my next lifetime, should I choose to return to this Earth; as a woman, I will do things the way I envision in hindsight. Knowing what I know now I will hopefully avoid certain pitfalls and bad decisions or should I say word choices in various situations. I guess that only matters if I fully believed and understood reincarnation and soul contracts. Nevertheless, I do believe in star-crossed lovers and I may have assisted in ruining mine in this lifetime; so I must be still and listen; allowing myself to move forward, open to new possibilities and such. I don't even know how that inserted itself into this entry, I suppose it's just the mood I'm in as I allow the music to play and the lyrics to seep into my thought process.

Crazy how it comes back to that, wishing I could re-do a particular relationship while possibly avoiding others. I guess the person I am now is the sum of all of my experiences, but I wonder: would I still have become this person without certain occurrences? Perhaps nostalgia has crept in, making me romanticize relationships that may have been doomed from the beginning or looking back is allowing me to notice some of my own toxic traits which lead to the demise of said relationship. So far, that's what I'm sitting with, allowing myself to fully let go of what could have, would have and/or should have happened had I... Maybe that's where being open to new possibilities comes into play; which is why I believe this cleanse and energy clearing are right on time for me at this stage in my life. I feel as if I'm at a crossroad and rather than looking backwards I am searching for the sign which shows the way to go forward, continuing on the path that I find myself on. One thing is for sure, I've let go of the fear of being vulnerable; at least on the blog. I feel open and honest; wishing I could meet certain people again, as I am now, hoping they've matured as well and see how the stars align knowing what we know now. I suppose the lessons learned are for future relationships, making sure not to make the same "mistakes" again. I guess time will tell, until then I intend to be still and listen.

useful links:

click here for your free birth/natal chart

click here for free Moon phase at the time of your birth

Transparency: A Journey

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

After visiting my tarot reader again I found a bit more clarity in what the cards along with various synchronicities were telling me. It seems I've come full circle from the incidents which caused my mental health concerns and I am now facing some of those same triggers; I suppose as a test to measure the lessons learned. As I've written before I find myself on an unfamiliar path, the goals and dreams I'd set for myself hit a stumbling block when the onset of mental illness entered the picture. Now I have to think of new goals and dreams for my future and that at times seems a bit impossible. I guess being a particular age and starting over is not that uncommon, yet to me it feels foreign. I've managed to think of a few goals and I am currently working towards them however dreams are a bit more difficult, especially since the question comes up regarding a companion to live those dreams out with. My tarot reader had much to say on the topic and suggests I begin "putting myself out there" in order to meet new people which could possibly lead to something serious. He asked if I were ready to meet someone and I stated, "I'm open to the possibilities". Not just with dating, but with my future; I'd grown tired of wishing things were as they were many moons ago and decided to go with the flow of my current life. I've found the bravery and courage to dream again and embrace starting over. It's just coming out of my shell enough to go after whatever it is that I want.

That's the thing, I don't entirely know what I want or how I want my future to look aside from much laughter, stability and happiness. I'm at a stage in my healing that I am not as fragile as I once was when it comes to facing fears or experiencing things that once sent me over the edge, yet I am not willing to jeopardize the progress I've made over the past several years. One situation I find myself conflicted about has the ingredients to do just that if I don't take the necessary precautions, so I've been doing my tarot, along with prayer and meditation in addition to gathering the necessary crystals to protect and guide me. I find although the situation is all too familiar I am relearning things about myself as I navigate through that I know will be a benefit when it's all said and done. I am no longer afraid to pursue the desires of my heart, waiting for the perfect timing or opportunity has made me stagnant in the past and that is one thing I do not wish to repeat as time goes on. I'm still working on holding back in my relationships, but I feel as if I've come a long way from where I once was. I have yet to dive into my heart and find what's calling my soul aside from writing. I read the following quote and I guess that's what I've been fearful of until recently: "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"- Joseph Campbell

The treasure I seek is my dream for the future, the cave then would be my heart and the fear is the uncertainty of life which suggests to make plans and watch God laugh. I don't quite know how I'll handle another road block getting in the way of my dreams or the need to begin again and dream new dreams. I wrote recently in Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts regarding the desire to have more children and the regret I felt because I'd chosen not to, although I am slowly releasing those feelings and emotions attached to that awarenesses I still wrestle with the thoughts. Seeing how "hindsight is 20/20" I realize the possible damage of suffering from newfound mental illnesses with small children to raise; I don't know if I would've come out of that or the trauma that could have been inflicted upon myself and/or those children. Since I have no plans to endure a "late in life" pregnancy it's only fair to myself to find peace with this outcome. I can no longer resent or regret any decision made during those years because they were made with my higher self; who knows the journey even when my consciousness doesn't at the time. I also wrote in Glowing Up about how I've been sharing more and not being so hard on myself as I shift my focus on self-love and such. Although I do want to experience the opportunity of meeting someone, I am enjoying meeting myself on another level. So contrary to my tarot readers suggestions companionship is not that high on the list of priorities just yet. 

I have gotten more comfortable being my authentic self and I feel as if some of the growth can be seen in my writing; at least I hope it does. I think at some point I'll write down my dreams and what I believe it will take to accomplish them, that may be the missing piece, writing it down. Funny because I often have the best thoughts when I am sleeping or driving and of course there's no pen or paper in sight. I often pray to have the thoughts return when I am better able to jot them down and sometimes it happens that way. In my last writing I mentioned neglecting aspects of myself and the first thing that came to mind was companionship, but I think more importantly I'd neglected some of my wants and needs as a person who happens to be a woman. I think we as a society can get so hung up on marital status that we forget to be whole without a plus one. I thought I lost something or I was missing something so I began showering myself with self-care; I'd enjoy dates with myself or friends and not think too much about meeting anyone until recently. Not too long ago while running errands with my Aunt she asked why I'd stopped wearing make up and my reply was that I will once I lose the weight; I later found myself helping a friend with a photoshoot and somewhere in the mix I ended up with a full face of make up and I saw myself differently. I then realized all of the things I had been avoiding or neglecting because I was unhappy with the weight I'd gained over the years. In that moment I decided not to live that way any longer.

While I was out over the weekend I decided to stop and buy a few essential make up items and had a good time playing with it earlier that evening. It felt good and more importantly I liked how I looked and felt. I know that seems a bit trivial, but to me it was that little adjustment that made a big difference in how I saw myself. I remember someone saying to me "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you"; and although that was an extremely sweet thing to say the attention was unwanted so the words fell flat. I now realize the main person hindered by the weight gain was me, no one else cares. Or should I say, it's not a major issue for anyone in my life other than myself. I began working on my fitness again and decided to embrace my girlie side; I feel better as the days are going by because I am discovering myself and allowing the best parts to shine forth as I work on the shadow side along with areas I feel need improvement. The quote: "let yourself become living poetry"- Rumi, comes to mind as I peek out of the shell I referenced earlier. As a Capricorn (Sun sign), Aquarius (Moon sign) and Virgo (rising) I find my wants and needs conflict with my natural response to things at times. For me, I like to stay low-key; but other aspects of my natal chart is a bit more aggressive when it comes to wanting and needing various things I could normally do without. I think that's the poetry in it all, to balance what I've learned about my Sun sign with all of the other facets of my being. I only learned about birth/natal charts about nine or ten years ago so for much of my life I felt molded in how a Capricorn behaves, but after generating my natal chart and studying myself I now understand why certain things conflict when I now know they don't have to.

I feel lighter; as if a weight has been lifted and it feels "right on time"; I now realize the amount of effort it takes to hold things in can be crippling. I did not know certain things had been affecting me for as long as they had, it wasn't until a recent trigger sparked a memory that things sort of unravelled; not in the sense of causing a mental health break, but more so an "ah-ha" moment pinpointing an area of my life that took a turn and assisted with the causes of said mental health break in 2012. That's a long time to carry such a burden unbeknownst to me, I am glad it revealed itself gently; where I could digest in a healthy and stable way. After speaking with my tarot reader and a friend, I've decided to seek another therapist; I'm praying I get one who is more aligned with my energy and I don't feel the need to avoid certain topics. That's what I did with my last therapist, well, to be honest, that's what she did with me. I allowed her to lead our sessions and her main focus was my anxiety and depression which through various techniques I am able to manage better than days past; but my personal life and interests never made it to the conversation. I think that's what I need, an outlet to discuss my personal life that is outside of the blog and with friends. Thankfully I have those outlets, but some things are too personal to share here and other things I don't want to burden my friends with the responsibility of hearing about them much of the time. 

I am now even more excited about the coming months and year; I feel as if my transformations are all for a reason and that reason will soon reveal itself to me. I feel as if the past several years were all to get me to this point of being; happy and healthy in my own skin, finding new perspectives to things that used to "ruffle my feathers" and finding constructive ways to transmute that energy. Since Mercury is retrograde I decided to get extra grounding from Mystic Lipstick, I've participated in various groundings and clearings over the years and I will admit they are extremely helpful; especially during Mercury retrograde. I also replaced my Tiger's Eye crystal which helps with emotional stability, balance and other such attributes I find useful at this time. I feel as if I am on the right path yet my purpose is still unclear, perhaps that's where the diving into my heart comes in. Maybe that's the journey, unlocking parts of oneself until their purpose is revealed? I've been curious about my purpose and the purpose of those in my life for many years, some things are still unclear, but I figure the more I write it out the clearer it may become. I will admit, I am looking forward to how it will all unfold.

 

Glowing Up

“from understanding comes love”

Rumi 

The other week my therapist said I made enough progress to end our sessions. She also stated that I could call her if necessary; I don't quite know how I feel about that, I guess you can say I'm still processing.  For a few days I thought of all the conversations I should've had with her, they seemed trivial at the time, but now they have feelings or emotions attached and I feel as if I should hash them out with someone other than friends. I used to do that a lot, hold onto things I felt I should say yet the timing was never right to do so, at least from my perspective. I'm beginning to wonder if I should call her and speak on the things swirling around in my head. I feel a void and I don't know which direction it's coming from. Perhaps because my Dad's birthday just passed and he was not here to celebrate what would've been his 60th; along with the fact my Grandmother's 90th birthday passed recently and she also is not here with us. I feel blessed, to have known them for as long as I did, but my heart mourns a bit because they've passed on. That could be the reason I feel the need to reach out to my former therapist at this time. I've mentioned on the other blog, as well as this one how the last quarter of the year is full of memories of not so pleasant times along with birthdays of loved ones who have passed on. Although I am still looking forward to this time and the new year, I'm finding it to be a bit bittersweet.

I think it's best to "take one day at a time" and make sure those days are filled with happiness, laughter and fond memories. There was a time when those days were few and far between, but thank God now is a different story, most days I run errands, talk to friends and family and enjoy much needed self-care (which varies daily). The past few days I've enjoyed a massage, hair and nail appointments along with dates to socialize with friends and a get together to honor my Father's memory. I feel as if that's the healthiest way to remove the grief of it all and focus on the good times shared. That's the thing about grief, it sometimes pops up out of "nowhere" and brings you down until something snaps you out of it. Lately, music has been helping, especially songs that remind me of my Dad or songs my Mom says my Grandmother liked…

I am in thought or in my feelings; searching for lyrics or quotes to spark a thought to write. As I've shared in previous writings, I found a couple of strains which are creative in nature; but I'm attempting to micro-dose so I don't build a tolerance too quickly. That happened with Bubblegum OG since I seemed to smoke that regularly last month with a few sessions of other strains. True to it's description it left me in a euphoric state of mind, very relaxed and uplifted; even lifting the burden of eczema which mainly effect my hands with an itch that is unbearable at times. Now I've found Sour Sunset which is also very relaxing and uplifting with feelings of creativity and such. I know that's the disposition I want to have especially if I can obtain it on a daily basis; wouldn't that be great if I were creative everyday? I'd find time to write, paint, read more and do all of the other things I pretend I don't have enough time for. 

I began this post days ago, yet parts of it didn't come together until Mercury went retrograde; I guess this is an area I need to reflect upon as the weeks go by. Interesting how I have these revelations as particular retrogrades approach, especially Mercury. As I became aware of what retrogrades were and how they operate I've been able to use them to my advantage; so this time of introspection, reflection and such is right on time. I've decided to use this time to revisit goals, dreams, lifestyle choices and the like; I feel as if it may be a good time to rethink the master cleanse, since I am still working towards a few fitness goals. I feel as though I've focused so much on my spiritual health with major attention paid to my mental health and self care that I now need to focus on my outer appearance and self-love. I've learned to love myself unconditionally which I thought I did until I began gaining weight, I then saw areas within that needed my energy so I've been working towards filling the gap. Health-wise, it just makes sense to lose the unwanted weight; add vanity to that and my ego is ready for bikini season. Due to corona I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday as I'd planned so I want to take a trip next summer and I want to look my best in the photographs. Lately, I've been in the mood to hike and opportunities have presented themselves yet I keep talking myself out of it. I attempted walking a trail not so long ago and I allowed the aches and pains to bring that to a halt. I feel as if it's time to revisit that as well.

I feel a burst of energy, as if I am on the right path; ready to conquer the short term goals I've set for myself. I think if I start today, and take each day as it comes; scheduling time for fitness I have more than enough time to get where I want to be. I remember a few years ago when I'd walk at least five miles daily and other days when I'd hike Runyon Canyon with friends. I think I've wanted to relive those days rather than expect new experiences. That's the difference between today and a few weeks or months ago; now I am open to new possibilities instead of hanging on to the joys of the past. I no longer feel trapped by the me of yesteryear, I have this image of myself in my head and it scares me that I will most likely never look that way again, but this time the fear isn't as strong as it used to be; now I feel as if I am embracing the me that wants to shine through- I suppose that's the "glow up" I've been waiting for.

I've noticed I've been writing less in my journal and more on the blog, over the past few weeks I've learned that I can be a bit too hard on myself, is it even possible to give yourself the benefit of doubt? It seems so easy to extend that courtesy to others yet, for some of us, when it comes to ourselves, we tend to expect expertise in everything no matter our level of knowledge on the topic. Taking the advice of my psychic I haven't been second guessing myself as much as I used to, which helps me better understand aspects of myself that I didn't take enough credit for; so to speak. I think that may have been a missing piece of the puzzle when it came to self-love; I've focused so much on self-care I often overlook certain parts of self-love. As I allow the incense to burn, the music to play and the smoke to dance in the air; I know there are thoughts and feelings associated with being a woman that I have been neglecting. I feel as if it's time to allow myself the love I give so often to myself, I think at some point I thought no one would be capable or available to do so; now I'm realizing the barrier I placed in the way. Rather than speaking with my former therapist, the urge to call my tarot reader grew stronger and stronger as the day went on, I was able to get some clarity regarding some thoughts and feelings I mentioned before "swirling" around. I am thankful for the various avenues I have in mind to obtain insight and clarity, tarot being one of them. I won't share the details of my desires in such a public forum, but I will say this threw me for a loop. As I said a bit earlier, I've been feeling a void of some kind and it wasn't until the moment I reached this sentence that I realize a few words unspoken are partly the reason.

To be continued... 

Words Unspoken

 “Tell me where you go in these silences and I will say if I have been there.”  

— Naomi Shihab Nye

As "bulletproof soul" plays in the background thoughts of you resurface, I wonder where you are or what you are doing that keeps you away from me. We've taken time apart before, but somehow this feels different; more permanent. I ask myself if I should text or call and the answer keeps coming up "no", I don't know if you want to hear from me or where things would go past "hello". So I leave things as they are, silent.

My heart is full yet there's still a space with your name on it and I don't know what to do with it. How do I erase what you mean to me or whether I should even think that thought. I keep saying "one day I'll..." yet that one day hasn't come. Maybe the days are supposed to go by one at a time until the thoughts of you no longer jar me. Maybe like the song says (paraphrased) I'm haunting you the same way you're haunting me; that's what it feels like though, a haunting of a piece of my love that's been displaced. 

What am I supposed to do with that? Perhaps like the quote says I've been in the space of silence you are in now. Maybe one day we'll discuss, until then...

Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts

 “Every human heart cries and yearns for the same thing: a chance to fulfill his or her own dreams and desires...” Myles Munroe

Still buzzing from the concoction of marijuana strains in my system I thought of various hopes, dreams and ideas I have as well as projects I am working on and I began to wonder is my heart truly yearning or crying for these things to manifest? I feel silly posing that question, because I know that it does; and has been for quite some time. The heaviest is to write a book, however the direction has changed multiple times since the original idea came to mind. I find myself sitting in front of the computer, overwhelmed with thoughts of where and how to begin. I thought to focus on one chapter at a time, but I still feel as if I need direction. I may have mentioned it in a previous post about my recent reading with my tarot reader, where he told me I need to stop second guessing myself and trust myself more than I do currently. I suppose that's how this entry began, I didn't ponder on if I felt like writing or what I'd say, I just let my fingers take control and we'll see what comes.

I began having lucid dreams for quite some time; very vivid dreams to the point of experiencing deja vu on a few occasions. I've been listening to oldies and thinking of simpler times, songs by Nina Simone, Pink Floyd, Gil Scott-Heron, Etta James and Aretha Franklin top the list. I've been enjoying the days more, not as bored as I've been in the previous months. I believe by changing my perspective I have come to embrace the quiet days and nights, realizing that drama and dismay are dysfunctional and should not be expected as normal. I think because of film and television programing we are always looking for the plot to twist or a villain and real life should not be that way. As someone who has fallen victim to betrayal, sabotage and the like; I do understand how life can feel like you're in a movie or soap opera, however those times don't, or should I say shouldn't outweigh the blessings and wisdom each day brings. Interestingly enough many of the betrayals and sabotage lead to much better outcomes than what was presenting itself to begin with. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", mainly because we often overlook red flags and warnings as we are made aware of them. When I was betrayed, by a couple of people I knew it was not out of their character to do such things, I just thought they wouldn't do those things to me. I found the lesson in that and made sure to heed to the red flags, warnings, "gut feelings", etc. Although many of those people are not apart of my life there is one that I still interact with on occasion, but now I know to maintain my boundaries and not feed into the triggers which would cause the same reactions as in the past.

I realize I don't share my dreams with other people, aside from my desire to write a book I keep everything under wraps to protect my vision for what I have in my heart to create. I no longer fear oversharing on the blog as I once did, I feel as if I've learned from the other blog what to share and what may be for my private journal, I guess only time will tell if that's the case. I think back to my teenage years and even my twenties when my desires and dreams were much different; I've let go of the dream of having several children, I've made peace with the fact that it just wasn't in the cards for me in this lifetime. I then focused on my career and where I thought I'd be within that company, as I am now retired, I had to re-envision my life and how I wanted things to manifest and I'm still working on that part, because I used to see myself a particular way, but without more children, a husband and a "regular" job I find myself battling societies programming on the role of today's woman. I don't fit any modes, I don't think I ever have. With an adult child, life is a bit different than it is for those with children at home; at least for me; so I try to fill up my days being productive and finding the "silver lining" to life's curve balls and day to day happenings. The other day I thought of a time when I wanted more children or when I had "baby fever", which usually didn't last too long. I thought to myself, or maybe it was an impromptu prayer where said I wanted to have more children in my next lifetime, that is if I return as a woman. I think I'd like to live a traditional life, I feel as if I may never have, I know for sure this life has been everything but traditional.

I often think of how I'll grow older and where I'll be; I used to see myself on the porch in a swing watching the Sun set with a beverage and a joint. Usually with a partner; these days I don't see that very clearly, I don't know what to expect as I grow older, but I am enjoying my life now as a lady of a certain age. I intend to travel more, write more, take up new hobbies; like, photography and painting. I know things didn't turn out the way they normally do, yet I need to revisit where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I think I've desired things to do for so long I have yet to figure out my deepest desires for my whole self. As a child I thought the path was to finish school, find a career, marry and have children; a few of those steps got out of whack so I rolled with them. I now realize that life may not have put me on the path I find myself on during this journey in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I don't regret not getting married and I no longer regret not having more children. I just don't know what to do with myself at times since a woman's life is usually centered around others and not herself. I feel as if I need to look deeper within and find the things I'm yearning for with only myself in mind. I want to dream new goals to realize and watch them manifest before my eyes. 

Lately, I thought my heart yearned for another person and that I was longing for our circumstances of which we are not together to change. I later realized I need to put that on the back burner and give this time to myself; to accomplish the short-term goals I've set. I used to wonder about the purpose of meeting certain people or why those people are in my life; I still do on occasion, but not as much as before. I find myself re-living particular situations and wishing I could go back and do things differently; now when I think about that person I tell myself to find something else to do. I don't think anything good will come from it at this time. Again, my tarot reader had much to say about this and my approach, but it's working for me thus far so I don't see a reason to do anything differently; at least not yet. I've adopted a philosophy where I want to leave people better off than they were when they met me, not saying their life is in shambles or anything foolish like that, but I like to brighten days or provide an alternate prospective when asked my opinion. I heard in some movie, I can't recall the name of it; but a character said something to the effect "I'm better for having known you", I thought that was one of the greatest compliments a person could receive; that's where my philosophy came from. So I do my best to give positive feedback when asked and lend a listening ear when it's needed. I say that to say, I consider myself a good friend and that took time, wisdom and practice. So seeing how I'd love to have certain people in my life at this time I don't think they'd be better for it, I think things will be as they've always been and I was unhappy in that dynamic. These days I look forward to smiles and laughter, drama free living and time to focus on my creative efforts. 

I found writing this expression very therapeutic for some reason, I'm learning to view the blog as a safe space and allow the words to flow as they choose to without second guessing or censoring; unlike before when I blatantly overshared. I don't think I've ever shared some of the desires mentioned with even my close friends, I felt as if I was holding them near to my heart; the word secret comes to mind. Although when I write I feel as if I am an open book, but in reality I feel as if I am still a bit mysterious; even in real life. It's funny when my friends say something in regards to knowing me; I feel so hidden at times, and the question usually comes to my mind like, do they really know me outside of surface things? I have yet to ask anyone and my own thoughts may be biased or misleading so I try not to ponder on those things too long. I think that's why I'm procrastinating with the book, to express myself with such clarity and transparency is a level of vulnerability I feel I am still working towards. I had a title, I am not sure if it will remain the same; and I had a premise, but again, I am unsure of the direction to get from the title to the introduction and the "meat and potatoes" of what I want to say and how my words would add value to the world. I suppose it goes back to purpose, what would be the purpose of writing the book I had in mind? How would it better the lives of those who chose to read it? 

I read a quote stating to "be the person you needed when you were younger" and it stuck with me. I even started to create another blog with that in mind, providing stories of my experiences and how I'd wished someone had given me a playbook so to speak to avoid some of the pitfalls life may have for some of us. I then thought of the demographic for that audience and I didn't think it was for adults because they've already survived those trials and possibly tribulations giving them a testimony all their own. So I decided not to proceed with that even though I have yet to come across anything like that concept. Perhaps that's still down the line, until I know exactly what to do about it I'll keep in "in the drafts" so to speak. I think that's how I've chosen to live this life on the journey I find myself on, sticking to my path and realizing when and what to share at the appropriate times. I don't think that hinders the desire, I think it's allowing it to unfold as it should, not rushed or forced, but relevant. I have yet to think of a title for this entry; I still don't know how it will all come together, but I feel as if my therapist and tarot reader would be proud of me for letting go and allowing the words to flow even regarding matters I've never spoken of before. I think the current waxing gibbous Moon in Pisces can take the credit for this evenings expression; as stated on the app Time Passages, "you might feel in yourself a deep urge for introspection and reflection"... I know why certain things came up in this post now and that's for me to discuss with a close friend and/or my therapist, but I'm glad it exposed itself so that I may move forward completely.

It seems as if it should be easy to be vulnerable when you're sitting at a computer sharing words with others; but for me, for some strange reason I find it more difficult than sharing some things with friends. I don't know why that is. Nevertheless, I am glad to be "coming out of my shell" these days; it seems like baby steps, but I see the growth where a year or two ago I would have redacted much of what I shared today and found some fluff to put in it's place. Whereas today I allowed myself to be open, honest and transparent. I will admit, I like this feeling; perhaps it's just what I need to begin writing the book or at least re-visit my outline and decide where I want to begin and what I want to say. Which makes me think it's time to revisit the drafts on the other blog and piece together posts I'd like to develop into chapters. Sounds easy enough, and it's not as if I don't have the time to do it; maybe it's the energy, what it will take to relive some of those words and emotions typed during times of trouble. I think the energy necessary to revisit some of those posts may be a bit more than I want to engage in at this time. I then thought of using the posts from this blog and doing the same, but in oversharing in the past I think that's the amount of depth I need to start with in order to truly convey my story. Again, time will tell.

for insight; see, Transparency (The World Outside My Window) 

Pink Skies

I just smoked a strain called Golden Ticket and instantly felt compelled to write; that's rarely happened with the exception of Blue Dream and Space Queen both of which have become favorites of mine. I learned of this strain from a friend who referred to it as "everything I want in my marijuana" with that being said I was super excited when I found it, after looking for several months. I recently took an impromptu staycation to Las Vegas, and enjoyed a bit of shopping and visiting with family, although it wasn't a tropical resort the relaxation was much needed. That is until pains crept up in my back from driving the distance; almost immediately I paid a visit to my chiropractor and later attempted to schedule an appointment for a massage, which unfortunately did not happen as planned. I did however see the Sun as it was setting and the sky was this amazing color pink; mixed with various hues of blue, orange and purple. Although a bit bittersweet because much of the color variation has to do with the smoke in the air mixed with typical Los Angeles smog. Nevertheless, it was beautiful all the same. 

I wrote on the other blog about pink skies before, but the content was much different; mainly about someone from my past and the state of our relationship, interestingly enough I was in love. That post was in 2012, looking back I can see the girlish beauty in the words I choose yet the entire read is too personal to share, especially since that person and I are no longer on speaking terms. Funny thing is, I am happy that I was able to think back on those days with fond memories and not want to relive or revisit the situation. I can see my growth, from nostalgia and having regrets to moving past those feelings and accepting things the way they are. That simple transmutation made such a huge difference in my life, by not holding on to the past I feel I am able to better use that energy for thoughts of my current reality as well as manifesting dreams and ideas I have in mind. I feel anew, as if being of a certain age has liberated me. I feel youthful as if I am not actually the age I am, but more of the age I feel, At times the trouble with that is it sparks memories from when I was actually twenty years younger and the state of my life at that time.

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of fun, without much thought of the future. Even though I no longer regret decisions made during that time I find that I no longer wish things were different, with the exception of my career and the way it turned out; but I won't go into that. So, back to the pink sky and golden ticket; I am in a euphoric state of being, as if nothing negative exists in my life, which is almost odd except I had a conversation with my tarot reader recently and we discussed how I had been "bored" lately, we then discovered my idea of boredom has been the lack of drama and dismay I had been experiencing since approximately 2012 when I developed anxiety disorder, ptsd, depression and such. I'm getting accustomed to this new life I've created for myself. As I think of therapeutic things to do during the day along with errands and avoiding crowded spaces I find myself with a lot of time on my hands. Like, time to watch the Sunset or gaze at the Moon...

With the Moon in Aquarius (my Moon sign), I feel a bit emotional, not in a way which will make me cry; but more so in tuned with myself and the world around me. I spoke about feeling connected before and I have not quite been able to put the feelings into words, I think as my tarot reader suggested, my psychic abilities are heightening and my body is adjusting. That may sound a bit crazy, however I could not find any other words to make it make sense. Although many have reacted to the events of 2020 as if the year has been doomed or "toxic", but I feel a bit different, I feel as if 2020 has exposed a lot of areas where growth, compassion and understanding are necessary. I'm actually looking forward to the last quarter of this year as well as what 2021 has in store. I believe as cliche as it sounds "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade", I'm not quite sure what people expected to occur in 2020 that makes reality so detrimental; that is with the exception of the circus of an election we are headed for. I've learned to be more optimistic, not only with myself, but with others and the world at large. I think that has helped me to remain happy as some would say the world is ending.

I think the world is ending, in a sense; I pray the injustice, racism and inhumane treatment of others would end. While in my bubble of happiness I still find myself frustrated with the current judicial system when it comes to unnecessary killings of Black people, most recently in the case of Breonna Taylor. I know it will take much time however I have noticed more people when I'm out and about seem to be a bit nicer, kinder, more helpful and even thoughtful. I pray as we "stick together" during this pandemic we can find ways to make the world better, friendlier, more of service to one another. I pray more laws are passed and murderers are convicted when they disobey the law regardless if they are paid to uphold it. Sometimes I tell myself that is all wishful thinking, but on some level I believe it will happen, even if it's not during this lifetime for me. I sit here with thoughts of empathy and heavyheartedness as I have these conflicting emotions. Happiness on one hand and frustration on the other, however I still feel balanced, something I fight very hard to maintain. The regimen I've concocted for myself seems to be working and I feel the difference.

I think that's why I love when the sky is pink, it feels so pure and open to possibilities; which is how I feel. I feel at peace,  as if all is right in my world for a change; without expecting "the other shoe to drop".  Instead I am looking forward to blessings and wisdom which is all a testament to the research I've been doing by learning my natal chart aspects. Understanding the many facets of who I am rather than focusing solely on my Sun sign, Capricorn; which can be a bit pessimistic at times. I like where my journey has taken me thus far, into the land of natal charts, tarot and a better understanding of myself and at times others. So I suppose I'm looking forward to the last quarter of the year because it's the season of pink skies as the Sun sets into the Autumn and Winter skies...

The Cost of Emotions

Lately, I've been writing about my thoughts; for a change I thought I'd write about my feelings. I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of connectedness,  I can only attempt to put it into words, but I'll try. As many of you may have read in previous expressions I've had feelings of happiness for quite some time, now it's morphing into a type of love I had yet to experience. I know it's a reflection of the level of self-care and self-love I've been pouring into myself which makes me want to give myself even more of my attention. Once I started focusing on myself more I've felt this sense of being in tune that allows my gifts and attributes to shine (imo). I used to think it was selfish to focus so much on myself, then I read a quote some time ago which (I'm paraphrasing) said something to the effect of "stop contacting them first and watch you'll never hear from them". So I eased up with checking on people who weren't necessarily checking on me; I then transmitted the energy it takes to be in so many people's lives, seeing how much smaller my circle became gave me ample time and space to carve out for myself. I started focusing on healing; my inner child wounds, ptsd, anxiety causing thoughts and feelings, you get the gist. I realized how those aspects of myself displayed in various habits, patterns and/or behaviors which are no longer serving me. I feel lighter, as if a weight has been lifted and filled with more smiles and laughter. I recently hung out with family members I hadn't seen in some time and it was refreshing. As the stars aligned I also reconnected with someone I thought I'd never see or speak with in this lifetime. Funny how that happens.

I find myself in a much better space than I've ever been in, a space of freedom and liberation. I feel as if I don't need to hold back as I once did, I realize how comfortable I'd become in my bubble of "shyness" or "aloofness". I see how it was just a game I was playing with myself to keep others at arm's length. Trouble was, I still ended up hurt or heartbroken or some other emotion I'd rather not experience. The price I paid for holding onto words and actions that I could've easily expressed and taken the experience for what would have been. Today, I realize the cost of those emotions were much more expensive than they needed to be had I done the work I knew I needed to do much sooner. I still struggle with the philosophy of "nothing happens by accident" or "you control your own destiny"; mainly because I believe some things are out of our reach, such as God and the Universe and how astronomy and astrology connects and effects our lives. I used to regret decisions I'd made or scenarios I allowed to play out without proper context, now I understand that I hadn't grown or developed into this person yet and those trials and tribulations were what brought me to this point and who knows- would I be here had it not been for learning from those experiences?

I do my best to say the words and do the things I desire, making sure I am my authentic self leaving no room for regrets. Something I wished I did when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties. What a difference that would have made. Now I believe, the cost of emotions is vulnerability; I used to write about how vulnerability scared me, as if I could not allow myself to dive into the depths of my own truth. I say the words now, even if I sound stupid or whatever. Like another quote says (paraphrased) "say it, even if your voice cracks", I take that to mean speak your truth, even if you are uncomfortable or your opinion is not the popular one. I'm learning to do that more, even on the blog where I try not to censor my words, but to allow them to flow freely as my fingers move from key to key. I've said it before and I truly believe writing is a form of art, the way the words align even when you don't know what the next sentence will be. Lately, I've had the desire to paint. I've painted three canvases (?) and I will say I surprised myself with the outcomes. I do that often, not knowing my abilities until the finished products. I've showed them to a hand full of people and all said nice things. I only share my art with people I know will give me objective criticism not those who'd say anything they think I'd want to hear. 

The blogs are different, I share what I feel comes out naturally and I don't pay too much attention to the number of views, whether it's one or thousands I appreciate you all for taking time out of your lives to entertain my thoughts. Although I think I don't write enough, especially on my other blog I feel a sense of togetherness as people still read those posts from at least two years ago. I suppose I want to take this time to say "thank you", it means more than you know to have people share, like, comment or give words of encouragement privately. I truly don't know where I'd be without this outlet along with therapy and journalling. I used to think being a "tough" girl was the answer to avoiding the unpleasant experiences life has to offer at times, but the truth is, if nothing else happens to shake things up a Saturn Return sure will. For me, it seemed as if my Saturn Return unveiled a lot of trauma I'd been avoiding dealing with, but once I sat with myself in meditation and prayer I saw the lessons and wisdom from many of those experiences; the good as well as the not so good. Looking back I guess I'm happy for the way things have gone because they lead to this moment in time, these opportunities to grasp, memories to make. 

I hope you're grabbing ahold of each opportunity that may be presenting itself in this time of pandemic, or as I like to say a time of reflection and introspection. In addition I hope you are healing the wounds life has allowed you to endure and you come out with a new perspective. I hope you are basking in happiness, self-care and self-love as we need it now more than ever before, I think. As I wrote that, I thought of my tribe and how I feel as if my circle is becoming just that. I thought of the encouragement and conversations about our plans or artistic expressions and how we push one another to be and do our best. I think of you all as an aspect of that tribe because although you may not know me in person you know my words, many of you following from the early days on the other blog or instagram and twitter. I'd like to think you have seen some growth, some barriers being broken, such as my fear of vulnerability and how I've slowly overcome that. I pray my words are inspiring or at the very least, thought provoking. I think I'm hoping to see the New Earth, where we are more harmonious, peaceful and community based as opposed to individualistic and at odds with ourselves and others. I like to think those of you who follow my posts are of a like mind. I think that's another price of emotions, empathy and perhaps compassion. Striving to be more compassionate and empathetic has helped me in ways I had not thought possible. 

I used to be a mean girl, tough exterior, but a very sensitive person on the inside, once I decided to allow that to show more the happier I became.  I realize the contradiction in how I presented myself to the world as opposed to "the world outside my window", I think that's why I have over two-hundred posts on that blog reverted to drafts. I keep saying I'll go through them and republish them, yet I have not taken the time to do so. Then again, what is time? lol. I allow myself the space to do so when the appropriate time presents itself, so far that time has not come. Out of two-hundred-seventy-two posts I've published forty-six (smh); I hope that sheds a light on the level of overwhelm I feel when even thinking about going through them all. Some I know I will not republish because they are far too personal and should have been in a journal rather than for public view. Others, I think it's the level of vulnerablitiy I was once too shy to allow that side of me to be expressed to the "world". I think I will republish them in increments, allowing my higher self to guide the way. With that being said, feel free to view some of the posts from previous years to see the journey from where it began.

Peace & Blessings to you all

Kamille 💗✨

From the Drafts

 “And I dream too much and I don’t write enough and I’m trying to find God everywhere.” Anis Mojgai

I was able to complete eight days on the master cleanse; however I intend to begin again, hopefully with more determination.  I'm looking forward to seeing the results yet I have not been as committed as I expected to be. I now see the importance of easing in rather than "diving in head first". I think since I didn't ease in the desire to eat was a bit more challenging than previous attempts; funny thing is, I don't quite recall what I did in the beginning of those cleanses. I do however remember the outcome, which was weight loss in the amount of sixty pounds. Thinking back on that time in my life is bittersweet because I was the happiest I'd been in a very long time, I was thriving in my career and although there were some set backs as well as sabotage resulting in the onset of anxiety disorder. I suppose this is coming out because the date of said event has passed since writing this post. I am grateful for therapy, I see the progress I've made over the years; seeing how I am not quite anxious about the upcoming time of year. Usually I dwell on the things I've lost throughout the years during the last quarter. Today, I reflect on those times and send love to my younger self, I then think of the fond memories with those people or in those places and it brings me joy.

Although a few things are a bit out of whack, most things in my life are going well. It's been a long time since I was able to say or feel that. I believe I've just completed my Saturn return and to say I was truly tested would be an understatement; especially since Saturn rules my sun sign of Capricorn. As I plan the week I find myself in a dreamlike state, I attribute that to my discovery of Bubblegum OG (indica hybrid strain of marijuana). Along with the fact I had a great weekend including self-care, socialization and introspection. I realized I needed something a bit different, over the past several years I'd been strictly sativa, barely experiencing hybrids. I changed to indica with a balance of sativa and I noticed a difference in my being- ease of tension in my body with the benefit of clearheadedness and focus has me in much better spirits these days. I find myself in the mood to share; in an open and honest way, allowing my heart to show a bit more than usual. I am engulfed in the feeling of creativity, wanting to write more and find outlets to paint or browse art. I think with my recent birthday I've found a certain liberation I had not experienced before in this lifetime. As I sit here typing I am trying to meditate on what my heart wants me to write and I feel all over the place as if I am rambling. However for the first time on the blog I don't want to censor my thoughts. 

I feel as if I am nurturing my soul, my higher self is at peace. I look back at my younger days and some days I wish I could go back and speak the words I'd left unsaid, or done the things I truly wanted to do, but didn't out of fear of others opinions. The other day I had to complete a task for myself that I'd never done before and as I second guessed myself and thought of someone who could assist me I ended up doing in alone and the outcome was great. In that moment I remembered how to trust myself, how to tap into my higher self and allow her to guide me in my steps as well as decision making. I feel more confident, in my being; like an inner knowing of what's to come. As I shared I intend to continue the cleanse at a later time, not forgoing the spiritual aspect of cleansing and getting in tune with God. Its interesting how this journey has come to be, while focusing on losing some unwanted pounds I found a deeper more intimate relationship with God. I took a brief intermission while writing and I saw the number 3232 twice so I input it into my Angel Numbers app and the following came though, I feel as confirmation:

WHAT NUMBER "3232" MEANS:
The resulting total number is #1:
The Angels urge you to put yourself first. It is important to maintain your own personal energy levels to achieve perfect health and emotional well-being. With increased energy levels you become a powerful individual. You will then be able to love and care for yourself and also others generously.

Angel Power Words:
Follow your Heart

Your Angel Number also contains #32:
It is very important to listen to your inner truth and to stay on the course that you know is right for you. Don't be swayed by others' opinions at this point in time. Trust your inner compass to guide you perfectly along the path that you are destined to take. Courageously move ahead with an open heart.
(This number is repeated twice. The message of this number is amplified x20!)

Your Angel Number also contains #23:
The Ascended Masters and Saints are aligning the stars to deliver a powerful 'nobleman' or 'noblewomen' into your life. This person may protect you or even deliver a gift or blessing that will enrich your life with 'Amazing Grace!'

I feel as if I've learned to put myself first in my life without feeling guilty or selfish. That is something I've struggled with in the past, I'm thankful to have outgrown that. So, back to that bubblegum og; I think it sparked a vein of creativity I am just learning of. Paired with various cosmic transits I feel as if I'm going to burst; I feel as if I've said that a thousand times recently, on the blog and in real life. I suppose the feeling is being happy and more alive than I've felt in a while. I say alive because for many years I feel as if I were existing then becoming; I don't think "I've arrived", but I do know that I am in a different aspect of the journey I find myself on. The path seems a bit clearer and I'm excited to see what's next. I pray you all are in good spirits, considering we're still in a pandemic; taking time for self-care, self-love, therapy and such. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Cleansing- New Discoveries

“You must face annihilation over and over again to find what is indestructible in yourself .”  

- Pema Chodron

As you may recall I began the master cleanse about a week ago and to say this has been the most difficult one would be an understatement. I realize the importance of easing in; on day 5 I had yet to get through the day without eating something, no matter how small the proportion. I learned around the second or third cleanse that I tend to be an emotional eater; so once a day I allowed myself a bite or two to get totally in tune with why I’ve chosen to complete the cleanse at this time as well as listening to my doubts and reassuring myself through the fears. I no longer criticize myself for that choice; especially during the first few days. Approaching day 6 felt like day 1; unlike my first few cleanses years ago. I believe I had a different mindset then, not to mention I was nearly a decade younger. After being inactive for the past few years have started to show and it’s taking much more will power and determination to push through the hard times. Day 7 I took a break, I ate a bit; making sure to check in with myself and noticed at the end of the day I ate something to “feel better”. The thing is, I had a great day, so I was a bit confused after the emotional eating took place. That’s the thing, before I thought I’d experience that when I had an unpleasant moment, but after reading an article I learned that I should redirect my thoughts from associating emotional eating with weakness and shame to things that are positive and affirming. 

Day 8,  I felt better about my ability to complete the cleanse successfully for as many days as I choose. With particular goals in mind I’ve decided to continue the cleanse beyond the 10 day suggestion. I feel as if I’d neglected my physical being in the time I was preoccupied with my mental, emotional and spiritual well being and as a result I misused food as a coping mechanism. Those habits came to the light early that morning; which makes me think of healthy ways to break these habits. I concluded talking to my therapist about it will be the best approach as this is an area I am unfamiliar with. I think I need assistance with continuing to allow myself to eat emotionally as the article suggests, but without the fear of weight gain. I feel a sense of clarity, perhaps it’s because I’m typing this during my sacred time; that’s the time of the day that I intentionally focus on prayer, meditation, introspection and such. In addition it’s the phase of the Moon, the eclipse that’s approaching as well as other exciting events I am looking forward to. 

Funny, I rarely feel this way around this time of year; normally I am full of anxiety regarding various memorial days in my life. I know that’s due to the growth and maturity that’s come from all of the self-care, introspection, inner child as well as shadow work I’ve been practicing for the past several years. The other day I wrote out an outline of my goals and reasonable steps to accomplish them. I feel as if I am in the right space at the right time, which is a new feeling for me. With my ruling planet, Saturn in retrograde along with its other transits I feel as if I’ve been tested and I’m nearing the other side to that. The happy feelings continue to boost my morale along with the cleanse detoxifying my body; noticeable by clearer skin in the beginning. I can see myself as I once did and it makes me enthusiastic about the months to come. I suppose this is when I begin to think of my birthday behavior and what I choose to do to celebrate myself. Although it’s not a milestone age I intend to treat it as such since this year was hijacked by Covid. 

So far I think that has been what’s helped me maintain this emotional and mental space, I’ve noticed I have more things to look forward to as I’ve surrendered my will to that of my Creator on a new level. I feel my vibration or as some would call it, my frequency evolving. This used to scare me however now I am learning to embrace it all. I feel as if I not only held back with my words on the blogs and even in terms of relationships with others I may have held my will from God. I think I’ve been in the mode of survival for so long I forgot that I don’t have to tackle everything in my life alone. Left to myself to “figure” things out. Realizing that God as well as my angels, guides and ancestors are with me has changed something in me that I have yet to put into words. This makes me smile; something I haven’t done as much as I may have needed to. I see that as well, more smiling and laughter; just more of the things I told myself I didn’t deserve because I was unhappy with my appearance. 

I’m learning to embrace the imperfections as I am working to correct them. Which is easier to say than to do at times, I think this is just the right cocktail of energy for dreams to come true... As the above quote states I believe I have found a layer of myself that is indestructible. I thought I knew myself at my core, but now I’m realizing the level of self-love I’ve been showing myself has unlocked a special space of intimacy from within...

To be continued. 

Learning To Fly

“Don’t forget to love her. The little girl you used to be. Perhaps She lies within you. Untucked. Sleeping peacefully.”

“Nurture.” By Kiana Llanos

It took me awhile to embody this quote; until in meditation I asked her, my inner child, “what do you need?”. What happened from there made me realize how much growth I’ve experienced in the past few years. I think by asking that question then being silent as she told me areas where I could put more attention towards myself I was at peace. I felt myself untucked, loved and appreciated. I realized all of these years focusing on self-care and self-love is finally beginning to show. Recently I had a conversation with someone and they mentioned me having a “glow” about me. I was ecstatic; mainly because that’s one of the goals I set for myself after so many terrible years dealing with mental issues. I let myself dim, for various reasons; all of which have been placed in their proper context.

I feel anew; as if I’m on the horizon of another goal I’ve set. I intend to begin the master cleanse next week; I have a newfound appreciation for my body, allowing me to successfully complete it three times in the past. I am believing my body will adjust and allow me to complete it again. I want to shed some pounds, but that’s not what it’s all about, I think that’s where things went left on the past few attempts. I was solely focused on physical results as opposed to a physical and spiritual cleansing. I see myself the way I want to be and I know the only thing standing in the way of that is myself. I began walking and was discouraged by the pace I found myself traveling, I remember running and hiking yet I’m walking at a snails pace. It wasn’t until I looked myself in the mirror and assured myself that I would get back to that in due time. 

I have a habit of putting so much pressure on myself I end up self-sabotaging; which is one things that I’ve monitored once I was aware of it. I feel as if this Chiron retrograde is allowing me to uncover wounds so subtle I never realized they were there, shaping certain behavior. I am proud of the woman that I am, for many reasons, but mainly because I know what I went through to come back to her. I don’t know where you may be in your journey or at what pace you find yourself navigating, but I hope to encourage you (am myself) to keep going. I know when it comes to weight loss (or whatever may be challenging for you); time and consistency really are the greatest tools to overcome obstacles. Be patient with yourself, love yourself through all of your phases and stay positive; even when you may not want to. At least that’s what I’m learning and re-learning on the journey I find myself on. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

A Life’s Lesson

“Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends 

Do not indulge in works of the half talented

Do not live half a life 

and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished

Do not silence yourself to say something

And do not speak to be silent”

~ Half A Life by Khali Gibran

As you may know I’ve been more active with the blog, until recently when I had an encounter with someone who suggested I’m “too open”; I took a few days to contemplate those words. Unbeknownst to them I have been dealing with my issue of holding back, which interestingly enough was also mentioned by the same person not so long ago; when I shared a few of my previous blog entries. I was confused and a bit discouraged to continue when I realized, that’s their perception which deep down has nothing to do with me; even more so because the person making these “observations” chooses not to read the expressions I publish. I then had to look at myself and ask, why would I continue to hide or hold back based on someone’s opinion?

I recall a time when I would have done just that, which makes me proud of my growth. At times I’ve cared too much about other people’s opinions and what their perception of me was; all while purposely being aloof and omitting parts of my personality. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when your Sun is in Capricorn and you’re bipolar some things slip through the cracks of sanity, at times; at least for me. The day I was “informed” of the displeasure in my openness I was happy, bubbly even and as I reflect on the statement made I noticed within days I was on the brink of depression, I decided to take time away from social media even if only for a few hours. A few days later during my Scared Time (4am- 6am, daily) where I pray, meditate and reflect on things that have occurred I realized that some people in my life are so accustomed to me being melancholy it may be far-fetched or odd to see me in a natural state of happiness or joy. 

I’ve been a bit more talkative also which is new for me, with the exception of the blogs and possibly social media I rarely express my thoughts and feelings. I may make statements or discuss things I’ve read, but not so much my opinion. I don’t know exactly when that began or even why I choose to present myself that way. I do know however when I chose to stop; as I’ve said in “Venus on Display: New Beginnings”, being that way no longer serves me. My higher self wants more out of life than to live it half way; holding back, living in a box someone else “created” for me. I desire a life that has been lived. As I write these words I now recall when I really decided to be withdrawn; it was after the initial anxiety attack. That event truly changed me, and not completely for the better. I can clearly see some things that has shaped the course of my life; which lead to unhappiness, or disappointment in the not so distant past. I’ve chosen to take those lessons and the words of the above quote to live a life without further regrets.

I’ve been holding back in terms of relationships after my second boyfriend broke my heart; circa 1997. I pinpointed how my behavior changed and formed habits I still find difficult to “break”, at times. I’m working on that (in my head, because single).  I don’t think I’ve shared that with many people, the regrets I have; which are many. I’m learning to detached from that feeling; true, there have been a few missed opportunities, but some of the things I used to regret would not have changed (for the better) had I been more expressive of my feelings. I recently had a conversation with someone where mention of the past encounters were briefly discussed and from what I heard; nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. I could be wrong, but that was my take away.  I don’t know if that’s due to my outdated philosophy regarding vulnerability or the fact that due to my emotional unavailability I’d chosen lovers who in a way were also emotionally unavailable with me. I no longer think many of those situations would have been different based on my level of openness. I now see how I may have romanticized circumstances to make me believe that had I shared my authentic self an unattainable space would be the opposite. This only added to unhappiness, disappointment and regret. 

I am done with regret, I see things differently now; especially with the philosophy that “nothing happens by chance”; why continue to live in a state of  “if only” or “woulda, coulda, shoulda”? How does that serve anyone? I want to say the words that are in my heart yet I want to condition it in a way that seems appropriate for the conversation, which to me seems like an altered form of the same issue I am learning to overcome. Many people in my life have shared the sentiment that I “choose my words wisely”, which is true yet what they are unaware of is the things I hoped my silence would say for me; like the above quote mentions, “ Do not silence yourself to say something”. To be honest, I’m tired of living that way; tired of fearing vulnerability. I crave the freedom of my full expression, whatever that is. Last year I discovered my love and talent for painting; something I’ve only shared with few people. When I paint I don’t over-think or take in consideration what others will say or think IF I were to allow them to see my art. I’m working on that a bit with the blog. I typically write and re-read the words an unnecessary amount of times prior to publishing and announcing the post on social media. The amount of time between the two has dwindled dramatically and I will admit that I am proud to see the progress. I am proud of myself for being able to embody as well as embrace these changes. 

Since my birthday this year I have noticed these changes and interestingly enough I am amazed that it only took me 6 months to share, in the past I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of over sharing. I believe I have gotten better at letting go of what I was afraid to allow others to see in me. I feel as if it’s time my true self flourish, although it has only begun to manifest outwardly; I can feel the glow. The past several years with mental illness has forced me to grow spiritually in a way I feel as if my soul desperately needed. I have been in this space before and I was at my happiest.  I feel more balanced, more accepting of some of the regrets I was holding onto. I think feeling like I missed out on something became so familiar I had to question who I am without that baggage. I feel as if a weight has been lifted; the fact that I was able to recognize a pattern of behavior and quickly correct it is encouraging. 

I pray I continue examining myself and learning who I really am. I am glad for the experience of the last few days, knowing I am on the right path for my life is refreshing. Thank you for following my journey, I also pray that you continue to find success along the journey you may find yourself on. Although others may not understand I believe we must push forward and become who our creator intended us to be. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨