how high do you want to get?

“I know you’re tired but come, this is the way.”

~Rumi

This year really tried me, tired me out, but the fight has just begun. As 2024 approaches and a New Year along with a new age finds me at a point in my life that I've never imagined. I feel as if I am in an alternate Universe and praying I find my way back to the life of my dreams. I am not quite ready to share exactly what has been going on with me, but I will say the past two (2) months have been a challenge to say the least. I find myself inspired by the simplest things and finding gratitude in the most unlikely spaces. I've fallen in love with the music I entertain as well as the gift of creativity. I could share some cliché parables regarding the matters at hand, but I figure that would only leave confusion in my vague attempt to share without actually sharing. When the time is right I will discover the best outlet to share; until then we'll just move on to figuring out what this expression is actually about. 

As usual the music plays and the smoke fills the room as I explore my thoughts which lands on my birth date, thinking of what I'd like to do to celebrate (although it isn't a milestone year; technically, yet for personal reasons I feel as if it will be a milestone for me). Realizing I may have smoked about an eighth yet I feel as if I should smoke a little more; I don't know if my tolerance is too high or if I may have outgrown this strain. Or perhaps, since I am not interacting with anyone at the moment I do not realize how high I actually am? The strain of choice has been Mango Kush however, I think I may need to switch it up to the infused Acapulco Gold for its creative, energetic and uplifting effects. 

Now I feel myself a little giggly and as I type that seems to be the talkative aspect of the Mango Kush mixing with the Acapulco Gold. It's a pleasant hybrid combining the elements of both strains to create a happy disposition. I took a break from writing for a few days and decided I wanted to conclude this expression as the last one of 2023. In the midst of the writing break I was able to spend some time with the last Full Moon of the year. I felt hopeful in those moments, feelings of love and happiness filled me at those times. As I pray for those feelings to come again I believe this year has taught me a lot about myself. Giving myself the opportunity to improve upon some things that I feel are not as strong as they could be as well as exude or enhance the things I believe I am doing "right". My prayer for 2024 is for more love, times of happiness, strength, courage, prosperity and good health; to name a few things. 

I mentioned earlier about the amount of reefer I've inhaled within the past few days and I did hear a song which one of the lyrics asked "how damn high are you tryna get?", knowing that was the title for this expression I did have to ask it of myself. I have no answer as of yet, I just know I  have not reached the heights of where I'd like to be in my celebration of the final day of 2023. Enjoying the atmosphere I've created for myself with loved ones near by I feel as if my choice of where to spend the day was in my favor. Thoughts of my higher self came to mind, allowing me to recognize I am almost as high as I would like to be, causing me to figure out a plan of pacing myself for the hour of the moment. Taking a moment to review January's calendar I realize I have one (1) more week of a break until Spring semester begins. 

Oh, I nearly forgot; I have an update in regard to my weight loss journey, After many years of struggling I have lost another twenty (20) pounds! For the first time in a long time I am seeing results and have even found myself saying (to myself) "this time next year..." which is monumental for me in these times of uncertainty. I am thankful to you all for your support throughout the year and into the years to come. I wish you all success, happiness, love as well as the desires of your heart...

Until next time... Happy New Year!

chapter 2023

It's the beginning of December and it seems as if the year flew by; I hope you all enjoyed the recent "holiday" and got a chance to spend quality time with loved ones. So far I have a few appointments set up along with the end of the Fall semester, which made me realize I'll be out of school for about a month. For those who know me personally, you can imagine how much anxiety this realization created. The idea of the amount of time I spend studying and completing assignments which allows me to progress in my education, but also eases some of the boredom I find myself experiencing on a regular basis. I've already looked into a few puff & paint classes, I even looked into sip & paint; only because I really want to paint although I would rather puff than sip. 

Two (2) joints in and as I sit at my laptop random thoughts cross my mind, beginning with a thought about music and how much I enjoy discovering new artists and their work. Now I am remembering the month off which is approaching and I will admit, I am not looking forward to it. Since beginning this expression I have completed all of my assignments as well as my Philosophy final exam. So now I just wait until my GPA is updated and prepare for Spring semester. I am happy with the fact, I did my best this semester and that's all I can do...

I had a quick thought to begin writing a book while I have this time off, seeing how I'll only have scheduled appointments and errands with so much "free time" to delve into a couple of chapters. The question comes to mind: "where do I begin?" and I am not quite sure, as we enter chapter 2024 I thought of making that the beginning then I remembered it has yet to begin.  On to other thoughts, mainly about lighting this joint; which I have done since writing the thought of it. Mango Kush is on the menu and for an indica, I feel creative, relaxed, and a bit talkative; among other things. The music and marijuana has created a nice vibe, almost allowing me to feel "free". 

Seeing how this expression is entitled "chapter 2023" I feel compelled to write something concerning a retrospective view as well as some thoughts in regard to the upcoming year. Truth is, I don't have much to say about 2023; I will admit it has been a life altering year for me however, I am not ready to discuss on this outlet.  Taking a moment to check the weather I realize I want to be sitting on the beach, smoking some joints, listening to music with good company. Unfortunately, that won't be tonight, now I have to entertain myself indoors and aside from the beach I realize I am doing what I want with the exception of the atmosphere. 

After another two (2) joints, I realize it's the Acapulco Gold making me creative and feeling free. I've only heard of this strain so when the opportunity presented itself for me to get it I jumped at the chance! I am happy I did. I totally forgot I smoked it in between the Mango Kush. I feel a bit of anxiety as it leaves my body and thoughts that were plaguing me are beginning to leave my mind. I want this feeling to last forever, but realistically with bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression that's a lot to ask. 

Rocko smoked with me and now he's asleep, so with the exception of the music it is extremely quiet. Leaving me thinking about said book and where to begin, again. I am finally "high" and feeling a little anti-social as I don't want anyone to "ruin" it for me. As some of you may know, I don't completely remember my childhood; however, I have chosen not to dig into it as I feel there is a reason those memories are suppressed. So the question of where I began is a little confusing, do I begin with the memories that are fresh in my mind or the onset of these illnesses? I had a thought to begin with the first expression made "public" and going from there with relevant information in an autobiographical form. 

I suppose as the close of the year approaches I recognize how thankful and grateful I am for the life I live. I am blessed and I don't think I acknowledge that enough. Although I have various health and wellness issues, every thought and experience from the beginning up until now have been far better than it could have been. Thoughts of my Dad come to mind and I am engulfed in love, remembering the man he was and the things he taught me are priceless and I am happy to have had him in my life for those 38 years. Now that my Mom and I are bonding and getting to know one another better, I feel as if I have a completeness that calms me and lets me know that I am not alone. I feel as if this expression is a bit scattered yet I don't know how to bring it back together. 

Until next time...

floating in a pleasant mind and body high

Staring at the page thoughts of what to share flood my mind. I have a pretty eventful week approaching and although I said recently that I wasn't quite in the mood to socialize, I think my mind may have changed. Party tonight, appointments on Tuesday then Thanksgiving on Thursday. As always I will not be participating in the rush of stores on "Black Friday", however, I may take advantage of some "Cyber Monday" sales... I don't know if you call them anniversaries or memorials, but this time last year I was involved in a car accident, which I am still recovering from mentally as well as physically (slightly). I've been able to recognize areas in my mind where there is fear in regard to driving at times. It is my intention to overcome such fear and return to a place where I enjoy driving again. 

As words to share begin to escape me I listen to the lyrics of the song playing in an attempt to generate some type of inspiration. Another song plays... Thoughts of coursework comes to mind causing me to address the matter so that I can get back to writing something for "fun". Thinking of the three (3) joints I've smoked this morning, I am contemplating going to get more from the car. I don't know why Ieft them there; but they're there nonetheless. A memory of my walks on the beach come to mind in a montage and I recall witnessing the Sun rise over a course of days. Feelings of longing comes to my being as I wish I had seen the Sun rise this morning, starting my week off with gratitude and admiration. 

A month or two (2) ago while on an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day", I treated myself to lunch and as I awaited a table I decided to go into a shop where I found a couple cute dresses. One in particular has become one of my favorites as it is black with white polka dots and has pockets. Two (2) of my favorite things; polka dots and dresses with pockets! When I purchased said dress I thought to myself "I can wear this to the party" then I smiled. The only thing is I should have purchased a pair of shoes at the same damn time, I have a pair to wear, but I think I could've found some that fit together better. Nevertheless, today is the day and I have what I have so I'll make it work. 

I will admit, there was a debate on whether I'd attend or not, once the decision came to me I now the question is am I going to wash my hair or save that for another day? Deciding to embrace my natural hair has become quite liberating. I am in love with the products I've discovered and am even happier with the fact that many of them come from Black, women, owned companies. The other debate is whether I'll polish my nails a color or leave them with the clear shine they have as of now. These seem like simple things, but with anxiety I have to cover all of my bases or I'll somehow talk myself into not going or waiting until it's too late to make those time consuming decisions. 

I don't know what it is about November, but I seem to have the most life changing events occur during this month. Over the years I've experienced three (3) car accidents, a life changing decision as well as a life changing diagnosis. As I hear from deep within "pity, party of 1" I disregard the direction this expression could go in and decide to keep things fun and embody the lessons learned rather than allow myself to engage in a "pity party". That was a part of my reasoning in debating going out tonight or not, I feel the desire to be surrounded by loved ones, good music, good food and good reefer; all of my many favorite things. 

As I think of bringing this expression to an end I realize I'd have nothing to do after pressing "publish" so the answers are clear of what to do next; wash my hair and polish my nails. I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend and as always until next time...

fly me to the Moon

"fly me to the Moon/ and let me play among the stars..."

Doris Day, fly me to the Moon (in other words)

With the weather being moody I haven't been on my fitness routine as I would like to be. It's projected to rain soon and of course I will not take the risk of getting sick. Also, my efforts to stop smoking [cigarettes] has become more challenging than expected. Receiving some not so pleasant news recently has me smoking as usual rather than the decrease I saw prior to said news. However, through it all I've decided to create an alkaline body for myself, one which I suppose I won't have the desire to smoke a cigarette any longer. 

I am looking forward to the week break from coursework and studies, although I do plan to read a chapter for my Philosophy course in order to get a jump start on the week to come. Again, had I planned this out better I would be on an island right now; yet here we are...

Yesterday when I titled this expression I wanted to get on a jet plane and fly to the Moon, today; not so much. In other words, I've come to terms with things and have made a decision to recalibrate my body; from the inside out. I began in September (approximately) taking various herbs and supplements which I intend to increase as the month progresses. Kush Mints has helped with my well-being as of today, the feelings of relaxation and euphoria combined with the soothing spa sounds of "New Blue Sun" has transformed me into a new mindset. One where I recognize progress while setting new goals for myself.

I will admit, there was a time in the not so distant past where I'd ask myself "do you have any goals?" unfortunately, the answer was "no" more times than not. Since August that has changed. Believing in myself to reach my goals while acknowledging the work that is required to achieve them has brought me a newfound joy. As Thanksgiving approaches I find myself not much in a mood to socialize, for not good reason; perhaps it's the bipolar disorder or anxiety speaking. Nevertheless, as of now I would like nothing more than to stay home, cook something simple and relax as the world works itself into a frenzy preparing for the holidaze [Thanksgiving, Black Friday & Cyber Monday].

As the midnight hour approaches and sleep is ever present, I will call it a night and hopefully get the urge to share again before the holidaze begin.

Until next time...

passion

 "I am dominated by Love, by my passion of love for Love"

Rumi

I am consumed with love not in the sense of how love is depicted in romantic films or songs; well, maybe some songs, but it is otherworldly. In how I care for my loved ones and show love to myself, I recently spoke of love languages in my last expression, "green lights all the way" and after completing yet another 5 love languages quiz I now accept that my love language is all of 'em! The quiz suggests that some love languages are stronger than others, however, for me, I feel as if it depends on the mood I'm in. I am not that big on receiving gifts yet on some occasion I love to receive them, especially if they are thoughtful and meaningful. I also have a strong desire to be touched, often; but not by any one it has to be particular people in a particular way. I am not saying the quiz or its results are flawed, I just believe that the importance of each changes from moment to moment depending on the state of mind a person is in. Perhaps because the Christmas season and my birth day is approaching has the thought of gifts on my mind, which is rare. 

I never considered myself a passionate person, although I can be at times; showing such a strong emotion is also rare for me. Yet since my expression "desire" I've taken some time to re-examine my heart and find the things not only that I desire, but also what I am passionate about. I used to get confused about desires and passions believing the words were interchangeable; I now recognize their differences. When seeking within I found that my desire and passion is for love. When I was a young girl dreaming of my future I never envisioned marriage or children; although I have a child and have never been married, I still have no desire to be. The love I desire starts from within and exudes toward another; I am passionate about the Moon, my writing, my self-awareness or should I say self-discovery, a few other things and my lover. While I desire to write well, win the lottery and be the best version of myself as possible, to name a few things. As I share those words with you I am reminded of someone saying how "secretive" I am; I used to be extremely vague in my writing because I was sharing with unknown people and thought if someone I knew read my words they'd be invited into a special part of my life that I often choose to keep private. I've since chosen to be more open and clear with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

Despite the fact I have a title for this expression, somehow I don't have all of the words; I don't want to end here yet I don't necessarily want to stop and begin again at a later time. I thought the words would flow through me as I was off to a good start, but I think my train of thought has drifted elsewhere... I've returned to my playlist in hopes of finding the words I had in my heart to share before drifting off topic. Sometimes I day dream or get caught in memories of my lover which engulf my thoughts, since I have chosen not to write about him I am conflicted on where this expression should go even though the title suggests I write about my passions. I will admit, I've had a cocktail and blue dream so I am floating a bit along with the music. As many of you may recall, blue dream is one of my favorite strains; as it has creative, uplifting and energetic effects associated with it. In this moment I wish I were painting, on canvas; something pretty and happy. Unfortunately, because of the holidaze the puff and paint I'd like to attend only has paintings I am disinterested in. So I figure I'll take another look next month or at the start of the year. 

Thoughts of my lover creep into my thoughts again and I am reminded of our last encounter a few days ago. Tingles run up and down my spine as I recall his hands on my body and in my (natural) hair. As his hands caressed me I felt as if I were in another world, one which only consisted of he and I. As usual, I didn't want those moments to end however we both had errands and other obligations so our rendezvous was cut short. There's nothing I can do, but love him; in all the ways I know how. I've thought myself to love; I used to be so harsh and a bit of a "man" in the stereotypical sense when it came to love, feelings, and emotions in my youth. As I've grown into the woman I've become, choosing to leave those things in my past in order to allow love to flow freely and intentionally.  

Which brings me to an exchange that began yesterday, a "gentleman" I knew many Moons ago contacted me; after 14-15 years to apologize for something done at that time. Initially I simply blocked and deleted him and his apology, I later discussed the situation with a friend who reminded me things learned through therapy so I replied. His response to what I shared seemed disingenuous to me so again I blocked and deleted the conversation, choosing to leave it in the past where it belongs. Yet, it has crept into my present and I am not sure what I am to learn from this. I believe it is a chance for me to re-evaluate my interactions with my male friends and possibly my lover as well. Perhaps this situation popped up to show me when and why I can be so guarded when it comes to my heart (feelings and emotions) as well as in various encounters, that's where my lover comes to mind. Maybe, this is a chance for me to let go a bit more and be more open to love and being loved.

Above most things I am passionate about my well-being (mental, spiritual, emotional, etc.) so this disruption of my peace was not welcomed. Now I must re-examine my heart again with these newfound emotions that have come to the surface. I realize how the encounter years ago effected the issues I already had with trust, I also recognize some of those walls I spoke of in "green lights all the way" realizing the walls weren't just there for no reason. Various encounters put each brick where they were placed for a legitimate reason, however, perhaps it's time to examine said bricks and remove those which are no longer necessary. I feel as if this situation has presented itself as I've shared with you all my desire to be the best version of myself as I can be. With this situation, although it is now over the lingering thought is how can I use this information to provide closure I never knew I needed? and going forward how can I repair my heart from damage I never realized was there? 

The lesson I learned years ago after dealing with the person who recently apologized has been a very good practice thus far and I do not intend to change it. The question is what has it hindered that has been sort of a blindspot for me when it comes to interactions with men? In a sense of the time it may take to evaluate that question I will save that for another time as this expression is about something altogether different. In the meantime I am enjoying the fact that all of my coursework is done and I have a week off in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday. I decided to celebrate with a couple shots of Jameson and writing something I also enjoy (this expression). Reluctantly, I must end this expression as it has gotten quite lengthy. I intend to share again before the holiday, however, if the words escape me I wish you all a happy and safe holiday to share with loved ones. I hope you all have someone to spend the day with and if you find yourself alone, I hope you enjoy your company.

Until next time.

green lights all the way

 "your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

~Rumi

I have been searching within to find areas of my heart where the walls are, I'm sure you're aware of the walls I am speaking of; the ones that bares the "keep out" signage all around. Recently, my Mom overheard me having a conversation, once the call ended she said "I love seeing that side of you", of course I inquired of the side she spoke of; her reply was "your soft side".  I smiled, what do you say in response to that? I had nothing in that moment, now that the moment has passed and I think of those words, I find myself recognizing growth. I can recall a time when "idgaf" was my motto about everything. I was so detached from my family, community and myself, not caring about the outcome of anything yet praying for things to remain good or get better. With many years and much work I've outgrown that mindset of being narcissistic and uncaring about those around me. At one point finding myself on the extremely opposite aspect of that which was being overly emotional about things that didn't even concern me. Since then I've found a balance, learning how to be mindful of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions while understanding there is no way to "control" them, but rather to allow them to flow and teach me the lessons necessary for growth. 

I am still finding aspects of my heart where I don't allow visitors, I am learning how much to show and which aspects should be kept private. As I type these words the idea of "love languages" comes to mind which makes me think, maybe the private parts of my heart are where my most sacred love languages are? That makes complete sense, to me. Those are the parts that feel most vulnerable, and many of you know the difficulty I have with vulnerability. However, as the days pass by I see areas in my every day life where I choose to be vulnerable rather than guarded or protected, thinking in some way that will keep me "safe" or "secure". On some level I feel as if showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness or insecurity. I suppose I should explain... After refreshing my mind on what the "5 Love Languages" are, I had a thought to dig a little deeper and discovered a theory I've heard of, but never explored; Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

As I attempt to explain why I feel as though showing vulnerability can be a sign of weakness or insecurity, I thought to do so without actually being vulnerable. For me, the thing that make me feel most vulnerable is expressing love to someone when I don't know how it will be received. For example a hug, a kiss, a caress, or particular words; with words I have been told that the person didn't believe the words I shared with them concerning how proud I was of them or that I loved them. I recognize this person has an idea of me, which may or may not be accurate; but in their mind it is. So to an extent, nothing I do will be believed as coming from a genuine space or even "good enough". This behavior, which I have no control over reaffirms my belief in not showing vulnerability with others, if I chose to allow it to. Unfortunately, the feeling of my expression being rejected hurts much worse than actually choosing to show someone that side of me. 

The weakness and insecurity comes in when you don't know how someone will respond to the efforts or emotions you share with them. It's not vulnerability when you know how your words or actions will be received, in my opinion. Like, telling someone you love them for the first time or hugging a friend for no apparent reason, just because you feel the desire to be close to them in that way. There are very few people who can hug me, I believe it can be due to my unapproachable disposition or for most the knowledge that I don't particularly like to be touched. At times I've had people ask if they could hug me and to their surprise, my answer was "No; Thank you". An embrace is extremely intimate to me, much more deliberate than a sexual encounter as some can have sex with any body; while others may be more selective. No judgement toward either of those behaviors, I've learned over the years that sex doesn't always include intimacy as well as the fact that intimacy doesn't always include or lead to sex. 

Like now, I am craving intimacy; not a sexual experience. I don't completely know in what ways, I just know I want it. I know why I am feeling this way as I am a few days from my least favorite time of the month. I used to satisfy these cravings with food, substituting dopamine ("the reward chemical") for oxytocin ("the love hormone"). In the past when I felt the love I shared was not reciprocated I would allow my inner "foodie" to indulge in whatever foods I desired that would make me feel as if I were being cared for in some way. I am not sure where that falls on the hierarchy of needs, but in whatever way it helped, I allowed it. Next thing I know my clothes don't fit! These days after much concern for my health and fitness with a bit of vanity; I am also focused on not eating my feelings anymore. Now I tend to say things even when I am uncomfortable or unsure how it will be received; I feel as if I am slowly lowering the walls of my heart as I've done with the walls of my mind. 

3 a.m. arrives sooner than I expected, with appointments later in the morning I debate going to bed or continuing this expression. Seeing how I have yet to think of a title lets me know it is not complete, so I will take a pause and continue at a later time... After nearly 30 minutes I am back at it. I can't sleep for various reasons, mainly anxiety or perhaps it's excitement? It's been a long time that I've had days I was looking forward to. I believe that began when I started exercising at the beach a few times a week. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to the rainy season, I can't remember the last time I felt this way. Warm, cozy clothes and home; "comfort foods" and the conclusion of 2023. As usual, I am anticipating New Year's Eve. I gave thought recently as to what I'd like to wear, then realized I need to know where I'm going to be, so planning will begin soon. Followed by my birth date and some things in between, especially those things in the very near future. 

The energy of the Full Moon consumes me, I feel warm and safe; complete. Knowing I am discovering the barriers around my heart and determining which should stay and which should be lowered. With the embrace of my 11 year old self I have this feeling of alignment, as if I have chosen the "right" path for myself. Some may ask, "How do you know you're on the right path?" and I'd say, for me, I begin to notice synchronicities with certain themes: in music, numerology, astrology, astronomy, etc. It's as if the Universe is speaking to me in a language it knows I will understand. To others it may not make much sense, but for the person experiencing it, it's like a treasure map of sorts, showing you along the way that you are making the "right" decisions for your life. Then sporadicly you'll get "confirmations" from a conversation, a song, patterns, "coincidences" and rapid manifestations. 

This occurred sometime yesterday (yes, another day has passed) in a conversation with a family member I was able to utilize the understanding I gained from reading over the 5 love languages along with Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The responses I gave were deemed helpful to the person in the conversation with me. This satisfies the "love and belonging" need within me, as I felt as if we were bonding; respecting one another's perspectives and being open to knowledge or rather, wisdom. It's again within the 3 o'clock hour of the morning and sleep is no where in sight; neither is a title...

Another day has passed, I attempted my miles today; however, once at the location I wasn't into it anymore. I believe too many days have passed between work outs and I was dealing with too many factors to go on. Nevertheless, tomorrow is another day!  The main reason this expression has been delayed is due to the fact it had no title, that is until moments ago. As I drove home experiencing green lights all the way, I recognized the synchronicity of it all and felt in that moment, "that's the title!" Even when I thought I'd be stuck at a red light I'd say to myself "it'll be green by the time I get there" and it was. Now to only manifest the winning numbers for the lottery. 

every season is me season 2

  “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!”

― Ram Dass, Be Here Now

As mentioned I rushed at the end of "every season is me season", not on purpose, but in order to make my workout on time. The work out was great! I pushed a little further than the days before, unfortunately I did not do the stairs as I thought I'd be driving a lot today. I did not think of a title until the end when I decided to bring the expression to an end for above said reasons. Typically, some people announce their "me season" around their birthday; suggesting that they are focused on themselves and their projected goals or plans for their new age. However, I believe "me season" should be year around. Giving room to grow, unlearn things which are no longer serving our highest good along with any health (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional), wellness or other type of goals. 

When thinking on the things shared in the above mentioned expression, my interpretation is about self-care, self-love and the like. Being that we are all the main characters of our lives, it is up to us to embrace, enhance and evolve into the greatest version of ourselves as possible. That's what I mean when I say, "every season is me season".  I needed that rest on Sunday as well as Monday, my body feels rejuvenated and my mind has a clarity which allowed me to complete the majority of my coursework in record time. As plans for today were cancelled, I took the opportunity to workout, run errands, complete coursework and rest.

Embracing my natural hair I've found a style that works for me and I have been proudly being myself (natural hair and nails). Although, it's a simple style; I feel as if it makes me look younger and as I continue to shed unwanted pounds I feel as if I am beginning to see the girl in myself that I've missed for so long. Back in the day when I was running and walking 5 miles per day and hiking at Runyon Canyon, I felt and looked my best. Since all of the trauma surrounding anxiety and such I've seemed to have lost sight of her for so many years, due to the center of my focus being my mental health. I feel as if I can come up for air, not saying I do not battle these issues yet 11 years in, I've learned how to navigate myself in times of distress and appreciate times of happiness. 

As the quote says: :  “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... " , contently working on myself for the past 11 years I am finally learning to understand to accept the good days and tend to myself as necessary on the not so good days. As I contemplate having a cocktail in a bit of a celebration for the progress I have made and continue to make. I am not sure yet so I'll allow time to tell. In other news, not much else is going on that I'd like to share. Taking a day off from the workout tomorrow, the intention is to get the necessary rest required to continue for Thursday seeing that I am unavailable to workout on Friday. I may go on Saturday or Sunday which will make a consistent 3-4 days this week (depending if I go Saturday or Sunday). 

Awaiting dinner, I think this is a good place to bring this expression to a close. Before I do, I'd like to say "Thank you" for accompanying me on my various journeys as I am learning to navigate this thing called life. I appreciate you all for "riding" with me... 

every season is me season

 “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!”

― Ram Dass, Be Here Now

While giving thought to my contributions to the people in my life, I feel as if I've changed in some ways; I feel as if the changes embodied have been for my highest good. A few expressions ago, I mentioned a conversation with my nail technician who asked me when was I going to begin taking better care of myself? As her words melted my heart all I could muster to say was "you're right." It was around that time that I challenged myself to stay the course when it comes to my health regimen. Aside from the agreement with myself to stop smoking, I have been doing a good job. The above quote spoke to me as I am reminded of my self-care and how I can only contribute to others with the overflow of how I've taken care of myself. When I was not fully taking the best care of myself I found that I was often cranky, irritated and tired. It wasn't until I began to eat better food choices, exercise and tend to my spiritual practices was when I started to feel as if I was whole or rather full and able to help others with a better disposition. 

In August I had a "wake up call" of sorts when a friend passed unexpectedly... I've only returned to my health and fitness program in September, realizing how I have to do everything in my ability to be as healthy as possible. There are a lot of people in my life who depend on me, therefore, I must do everything within my control to be my best self. The marijuana has me feeling as if I am floating, an experience I've felt many times since last week. So much so that it has been exuding from within and others can see. The music is random with a common topic, "pot", which is somehow inspiring me to continue where I left off in my writing the other day as well as expounding on certain thoughts and rearranging some parts. 

The room is reasonably quiet at the moment, filled with the smoke from reefer; Pink Runtz is on standby as I enjoyed Kush Mints so far it has given me feelings of creativity, focus and happiness. Then there's Mango Kush which complimented Kush Mints very well as far as enhancing the creativity levels. The other day I had a few Pink Runtz joints which aided in the post I expressed recently, the talkative aspect of the "side effects" I truly enjoyed; because it allows me to tap into a deeper part of myself when I am expressing my thoughts, feelings and emotions. .With the Kush Mints and Mango Kush I had a wonderful Sunday; especially after I got a bit of rest. I've been running around for the past week with workouts, errands and appointments that I was exhausted. Today, I feel much better and anticipating my workout in the morning. The workout was great, I set a goal of 1.5 miles and I completed 1.51. Although that is a tiny bit more than my goal it encourages me to continue setting goals and surpassing them; even if it's by a tiny margin. 

As a new age approaches and another semester ends I feel as if I am on the right track to accomplish my goals in the amount of time I allotted myself.  One goal is promising as I intend to be at or close to my goal weight by this time next year and the other would be to graduate in Spring 2025. As I think about what else to say on the topic the urge to smoke a cigarette comes to mind, but I am attempting to triumph against such urges. The music is creating a vibe that I feel unfamiliar with, not in a bad way, just kind of unknown. I'm sure it has something to do with venturing out with so many new strains in such a short period of time. As I've gotten older I have learned to enjoy and anticipate the date of my birth more with each year that comes and goes. As some of you may know, this time of year is heavy on introspection, goal setting and gratitude. As another friends birth date approaches I feel a bit sad; only because he's not here to celebrate. Nevertheless, I may celebrate in honor of him, light a few joints and put something (healthy) on the grill with a friend. 

The other thing somewhat heavy on my mind is the fact I've been giving my hair a break from units and weaves, exploring styles with my natural curls; at least around the house. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing my hair in public with the exception of around my neighborhood. I've been having a good time playing in my curls and feeling the wind on my head and scalp. Right now it's in a ponytail and I love that it's not in my face; tickling my nose and such. Since expressing the selectiveness of showcasing my natural hair, I wore my hair in a ponytail today for my workout, it made a difference as I was annoyed by stray hairs in my face. Also, I wasn't as hot as usual which is a huge factor in my decision to go in that direction. Last year I chose to stop getting gel polish and allow my natural nails to "breathe". Another thing I am happy I did. Looking forward to my hair and nail appointments this weekend, to my surprise, my Mom is coming with me and possibly another family member if everything works out that way. I feel like I'll make a "girl's day" out of it if they allow me to. 

A thought that came to mind as I reread the quote above, thinking of my circle and how everyone has chosen to grow in some aspect of themselves or another. Whether returning to college, becoming entrepreneurs or entering a new field along with making better health choices, etc. I am so proud in this moment, proud of my friends and family (in my circle) who are taking the necessary steps to better themselves when they could've chosen to remain the same with the mindset of "this is just how I am". In addition to the support I have gotten since declaring my intentions to be healthier as well as my plans for my educational future. I feel as if I am overflowing with love, happiness and gratitude even though I am not completely where I want to be, I realize I am where I need to be in this season. The urge to smoke another joint comes to mind and I feel as if I should comply, on the other hand I feel as if I want to take a nap seeing how I've been awake since 4 a.m. 

As I open the pre-roll package, Rocko (my emotional support animal) winks at me which suggests that he approves of my decision to smoke this Kush Mints, complete my expression and take a nap. This strain does make me feel relaxed with feelings of euphoria as the site suggests and as far as aroused, it does that too! With the dosage I've inhaled thus far I have not felt any of the negative effects, thankfully. The idea of "self-care" comes to mind as I find the words to share; feeling as if I should do something for myself which will enhance the feelings that I am currently feeling. Saturday I took myself to a nice dinner, Sunday I rested and now I am back at it for week 2 of my exercise program. Last week I exercised three times for about 30 minutes to an hour; however,  the first two locations weren't what I expected and I knew if I continued with them I'd find myself bored. On the last day I found a beach with a trail and found a happy place where I knew I'd push myself during the walk and on the stairs. 

By the end of the week I'd like to be at 2 miles per day, inching up to the return of my 5 mile days. I attempted to press on and finish this expression in one day, that may still happen, but I need a nap.

Several naps later...

With the exception of my workout, errands and scheduling necessary appointments, Monday was an impromptu rest day. As I got a little overwhelmed with coursework; I smoked a lot, had a couple of drinks, enjoyed good meals (breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner) also taking two naps and now I'm awake at 4 a.m. again. Yesterday, I declared to write something for "fun" before beginning my modules and assignments, I feel good about that decision. Jumping "out of the box" for a moment to "paint outside of the lines" is something I am learning is essential for my mental health. Writing "scholarly" essays and being so concerned with word count and structure bores me over time. Looking at the clock I realize I should take my shower and get ready for my work out so that is what I'm going to do. I did not mean to rush the ending, but I am committed to my fitness and as time creeps by I'll be late if I begin another paragraph; I hope that's understandable. 

Until next time

desire

- a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.

dictionary

Initially I was going to write something for my lover; I decided against it however, I thought of another aspect of desire to share with you. Monday was the first day of my last Fall courses along with my return to fitness. My desire has become a healthy body and a few other private goals, so beginning these enhancements has come to bring enjoyment to my life. I began my fitness journey by walking a little over a mile; I intend to gradually increase the distance. I walked again Tuesday, staying consistent with my "little over a mile" I find myself impressed with the fact that I walked, almost nonstop with no music. A friend and I have taken two "trails" thus far, walking, talking sometimes while silent other times. The plan is to use an app called "All Trails" and choose various trails to "hike" about three times per week, choosing different trails preferably once a week to reduce the chances of boredom on my part.

That's one thing about me that I don't fully understand, my predisposition for boredom. I am often bored for some reason or rather disinterested after a period of time. Especially with repetition or things that are redundant. One of the main factors convincing me to return to college, how often I'd say to someone that I was "bored", until an acquaintance who is no longer such asked "You're always bored, what do you like to do?" and as I rattled various hobbies off to her I had the bright idea to return to college. I thought it would occupy so much of my time that I would not be bored with the amount of assignments, hobbies, errands and the like. Unfortunately, I typically complete my assignments well before they are due then find myself bored. However, I now have a desire to see my educational goals through as I find them challenging even though I don't have an issue completing them nearly as soon as I get them, understand the prompts and begin, I don't rush, but I finish in a rather short amount of time. 

I have not quite figured out if my desire to do well is specifically in regard to grades or college overall. I am a bit obsessed with my GPA, but it's steady and with the courses I am attempting this semester I believe I will do well. So far upon my re-entry into college the lowest grade I've gotten was a B-; in my Astronomy course. I will admit, I thought I earned a C yet to my surprise it was a tiny bit better than what I expected. I feel as if I should have applied myself a little more, but I reminded myself of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz about always doing your best; even when your best appears different from one project to the next. Although I told myself I could have done better, I honestly did my "best" so I can accept the outcome. In sharing this aspect of my journey (college and fitness) with you, I feel a sense of accountability along with manifesting my intentions as I write (type) them on a page for the Universe to know; I suppose through the Ether or Cosmos. 

With the many enhancements I have implemented within the past couple of months, such as paying more attention to the health of my hair, nails, skin and overall well being; returning to my fitness knowledge as well as focusing on my spiritual self I have left behind the desire to be "skinny". A term and indoctrination  that I've held on to for far too long, here's a little backstory... I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression in 2012, beginning a regimen of medication in 2013 which lead to weight gain around 2014- 2015. The weight gain triggered the Depression which caused more Anxiety seeing that I'd just "lost" over 60 pounds around 2011-2012 when I was hiking, running and intermediately doing The Master Cleanse. I've since shed some pounds, but I am not physically where I was when I felt I looked my best, which is why as some of you are aware I stopped posting "selfies" on social media many Autumn's ago. With the exception of my hair and hands full of crystals or blunts I have not shared an actual selfie since 2014; wow nearly ten years ago. Clearly my weight has been an issue for me, however with my new regimen I feel as if the pounds will shed naturally and I can show you my results in the not so distant future.

A few of my desires are to be healthy (mind, body, soul and spirit), doing well in college, enhancing my relationships with family, friends as well as my lover. This past year I thought I made a new "friend" however, for some reason unbeknownst to me she decided to ghost me. After that encounter I reminded myself of the slogan "no new friends", which I am somewhat sticking with. The type of friend I am I believe is well rounded and honest. I am not saying those are the reasons she ghosted me, but I do know that I am not for everyone and that's fine. However, since denouncing the art of ghosting I find it a childish way to end any type of relationship. Nevertheless, I learned a few things from those encounters which have made me a better person; I believe. I only mention it as a contrast to the way I treat my relationships now, being more mindful of my words and actions as well as communicating things I find necessary to discuss. I wish her well, but I do not intend to reach out or accept it from the other side. I believe I am better off without that person in my life in any capacity. 

On another note Pink Runtz!

To be continued...

pass the dutchie

"pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side"

~musical youth, pass the dutchie

The aroma of reefer fills the room and the song plays inspiring the writer within. I've decided to stop smoking cigarettes and stick solely to marijuana, in the past I only smoked sativa leaving me with an overstimulated pineal gland. After over five years of exclusively partaking in sativa, my third eye took me on a trip I never want to experience again. I have now embraced the benefits of hybrid and indica strains, smoking sativa sparingly. After prayer, meditation, research and an honest chat with myself I've decided to begin hiking... well, walking as a start, but when I think of it, hiking is basically walking with a purpose. In addition I intend to begin juicing and I've even found some herbs which will assist with the goal of stopping smoking. I made a point to avoid the word "quit" or "quitting" smoking as we have been indoctrinated with negative connotations in regard to the word "quit" so I prefer to say I am stopping instead. 

I have a friend who is committed to this aspect of my journey as he is also on a journey of healing, fitness and the like. So far the plan is to begin on Monday and go three times a week, the days chosen works well for anxiety as it is during the work week when most are obviously at work, meaning less people on the trails. In addition to the luxury of early morning walking I figure it will be a great way to begin each day and week. The best part about the hike scheduled for this week is that there is a waterfall in the midst of the trail. Some of you may know how much I love water as a close second to the Moon. When I say water, I'm referring to the ocean, lakes, waterfalls and such. The energy and flow of the moving water brings me such clarity and calmness, for example when I visit the beach and enjoy the time spent there. 

I have found a new desire to elevate my commitment and focus concerning my health, as I approach a new age I am reminded of a goal I had in mind for my next milestone age; which is a year and a few months away. Beginning Sunday, I have some things to add to my routine which will contribute to those goals. I will admit, I am excited! The best part for me is I do not feel as if this is a fad, I feel intrigued to see myself a year from now with various changes; or should I say, improvements or enhancements. I've been researching juicing for some time and years ago I curated a "vision board", which consisted of various goals, including healthy, glowing skin along with a degree and some other personal goals I'd rather not share as they are sacred to me. Anyway, as many of you may know I've returned to college; so the degree is on its way. With hiking, juicing, stopping cigarettes and returning to my spiritual practices such as "sacred time", which consists of prayer and meditation; sometimes with music, other times with devotional type material in addition to Full and New Moon rituals, tarot reading, astrology, astronomy and embracing my crystals.

Interestingly I typically choose not to write about my plans however, today I feel as if the power of putting my intentions in writing will allow me to see the success I envision as I figure out this aspect of my journey. In years prior I neglected my physical body while enhancing my spiritual body, but micromanaging my emotional and mental health. As of today I am more in tune with myself and the understanding of nurturing my whole self (mind, body, soul and spirit). Embracing certain attributes while striving to be the best version of myself is not something I am entering into lightly. I've given much thought, tears, research and now dedication to seeing the woman of my dreams become my reality. As I ponder lighting the third pre-roll of my writing session I realize the song has ended yet the queue is filled with reggae music. This is a first as I typically listen to random music with no set genre in mind or rotation.

I am unsure what was sparked in me, however, for me to write two complete expressions in one session has been a long time coming. I believe it is the determination to be better that has me more focused and able to embrace the words I'd like to share. Unfortunately, I've gotten hungry and a bit sleepy so I'm going to take a break and see what comes to mind to share once I awaken...

Moonchild

"The moon is a loyal companion.

It never leaves. It's always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it's a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. 

Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfection."

~Teheran Mafi, Shatter Me

I feel this quote captures my love for the Moon in its entirety. As some of you know, I fell in love with the Moon many Summers ago; interestingly enough it was around the time I was eleven or twelve, maybe thirteen. I know I was at least eleven and it was Summer, I stood outside while doing laundry and was mesmerized by the Full Moon. The Moon was gigantic, bright and Full; almost the fullest I've ever seen it. I stood under the Moonlight with my "best friend" at the time, we had been friends since I was five and she was six; unfortunately our friendship ended as we became teenagers. I've only had a few "best friends" after her before retiring the term from my vocabulary. I've had three "best friends", the first two disappeared; well ghosted before that was a thing and the third is no longer with us. Since he passed I've refrained from claiming anyone as my "best friend" that is until someone proclaimed themselves as such only to disappoint as the first two had. This is my reasoning for retiring the term altogether.

As the Moon orbits Earth, I feel enchanted. Although from my location only a partial eclipse will be visible however, I am anticipating the energy it will exude. As this eclipse calls for introspection I feel as if it is perfect timing for the journey I find myself on. It's as if many things are aligning to assist and guide me as I find myself fumbling less often than in previous years. Having a better understanding of the spiritual meaning of eclipses paired with the knowledge gained from my Astronomy course has been extremely beneficial in recent days. Especially as I hold a listening ear to my body and what she needs from moment to moment. Funny how so many random memories from my eleven year old self are coming up once I acknowledged the longing to be heard from within, 

Recently, I saw the numbers 9797 several times in one day; so I looked it up on an app I use called "Angel Numbers" and this is what was revealed:

WHAT NUMBER "9797" MEANS:

The resulting total number is #5:

You are being guided to move in a new direction. Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you.

Angel Power Word:

Listening

Your Angel Number also contains #97:

God is going to deliver a very important message to you. You will receive this message incidentally from another or via some form of audible media such as the television or through a song on the radio. This guidance is called 'Golden Tongued Wisdom'. Pay attention and keep your ears open!

(This number is repeated twice. The message of this number is amplified x20!)

Your Angel Number also contains #79:

God is devoted to surrounding you with love. It's time to open your heart to the 'De-Lightful' wonders that love can deliver. When love is presented allow yourself to accept love and to be loved. God's Angels declare that soon your heart may start to flutter.

I found it interesting that the power word was "listening" and that's what I've been doing for some time now when it comes to my younger self or should I say my "inner child"? Another thing I thought was quite "coincidentally" in alignment with my words as of late was the messages reference to the guidance of a new direction or as I say, journey. When the message speaks of allowing myself to accept love and to be loved, I felt that deeply as thoughts of my support system come to mind. I feel love *queue Donna Summer* I feel surrounded by loved ones; near, far, as well as from the ones who have passed on. The memories of them along with the wisdom they've shared with me has been coming to mind, this go round however, I am tuning in and allowing them [the memories and words] to resonate with my heart and spirit to refresh lessons learned along with messages I may now be in a space to receive. 

In my last post, "smoke in my eye", I spoke of missing the Moon and my lover as I concluded the expression; possibly leaving many of you wondering why I haven't spoken of my lover in some time. I'll start with the Moon, I've seen her many nights in various parts of the sky; yet only on a few occasions was I able to sit with her and embrace her energy while other times she was illusive; as she's known to be. There's a piece of me that feels void when the Moon isn't visible, I feel as if I am incomplete in some way, the some way is unfamiliar to me as I do not have the words to express the emptiness. After running errands and before beginning this expression I searched the sky for her to no avail, however, I did see Jupiter (with my unaided eye). Jupiter is known as the planet of good luck, abundance, balance and a host of other symbolic meanings. I find the sight of Jupiter to be calming and reassuring, as it gives me the push I desire to manifest my dreams so the fact I've seen Jupiter in the night's sky for several weeks now has given me such joy. 

The good thing I realize in this moment is although the Moon alludes me at times, I do not feel abandoned by her, as I know she will return at whichever phase she finds herself in. I feel that way at times, in particular when much time has passed without publishing an expression on the blog or social media. I feel deeply that although I may be quiet at times you all know that I have not abandoned you or my (therapeutic) platforms. Anyhow, back to the Moon and my lover; when I say "I miss my lover" to be honest I could've just spent time with him and I'll miss him already. It's nearly mind boggling how infatuated I find myself, at times I feel like a school girl with her crush and other times I feel like a woman in love. I used to feel silly as in irrational or ridiculous for having such feelings, or rather emotions, now I accept them as a part of my being; from my soul.   

In the not very distant past I thought of our interaction as if we were "star crossed lovers" (iykyk). I don't believe that anymore, I believe we've gone through our ups and downs to bring us together this time with a new appreciation and passion for one another. The passion leaves me speechless yet the parts I could share I feel are sacred which is why I haven't spoke of him in detail much. Like magic an expression I wrote nearly a year ago comes to mind and I am reminded of my word choices and the energy of my thoughts and feelings regarding him... "dark as a thousand midnights" as I allowed the words to consume me and the music to speak the words of my heart I am on memory lane, engulfed in love. 

I desire to remain there...

smoke in my eye

This song ("Young Love" by Cleo Sol) came on and initially I skipped it, then my 11 year old self said “listen to it”; so I did. Next thing I know my eyes are wet. I don’t know if it was the song or I got smoke in my eye.

I especially liked the part that says: "

Little young, girl, don't you cry, I know you're wise, but you've been fooled a few times". 

After a bit of research, I recall I was in the sixth grade doing what sixth graders do, watching popular television shows, like "The Cosby Show" and "Beverly Hills, 90210". I also went to see "Boyz 'n the Hood" with my Dad. I am unsure, but I believe at the time I wanted to be a doctor, then an attorney, later I wanted to be a psychologist. That one stuck for a long time, that is until I entered college as a psychology major and found myself facing various circumstances causing me to drop out.  

Cleo Sol sings:

I know you wanna be someone, you need something more

I am reminded of the young girl who wanted to help others with their troubles and figure out solutions to assist them in "living their best life". I thought it were all possible yet with no guidance I had no idea how it would manifest. I was raised to an extent, the rest of the time I just grew up, finding my way from one situation to another; doing my best not to end up a statistic or stereotype. I had a few "role models" however, they were not "mentors" I simply observed the goings on of their lives and fashioned mine in the ways that resinated and discarded that which I found no connection.

Growing up in South Central, Los Angeles [California] wasn't as bad as the media and some movies depict it as, well as least for a girl. I didn't have to fight or avoid "gangs" as I was not their demographic; so to speak. I was introverted, a bit of a loner, although I had a hand full of friends and somewhat of a nerd. Not much has changed I will admit. However, considering my environment I had "big dreams". I had not yet discovered my passion for writing, but I enjoyed studying and learning new things. At some point I even learned to play tennis and eventually tried gymnastics for a short while. 

So, back to my wet and/or smoke filled eyes. I will not say I was crying, as that involved the water (tears) leaving your eyes and possibly rolling down your face; that did not happen. As some of you know, I don't cry, often. Yet there I was with what seemed to be tears with no place for them to fall. I don't exactly know why I was emotional, because other than what I've shared I don't remember my childhood, another fact that some of you may already know. I believe it was my 11 year old self expressing joy at my attempt to connect with her after so many years. 

I am unsure why that particular age stands out, especially since I don't remember any details of it. Nonetheless, here I am; attempting to learn myself in a new way. A way in which I've never considered until this past week. Of all the ages I've been, something about those pre-teen years make me wish I could go back and redo some things. The hormones of a teenager are something that should be better forewarned, I now see how ill prepared I was for the happenings within my self. 

And here we are, approaching a new age and finally hearing the voice of a younger version of myself that I am unfamiliar with. I decided not to force any memories or thoughts; I figure it's better to allow them to flow naturally, therefore I am in alignment with my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). The ending of the song is what made me replay it several times and Cleo Sol says:

'cause you've got to believe, life's what you want it to be

I imagine myself in my bedroom, writing in my journal about the life I'd like to live and as I sit here now, typing these words I realize how far off the path I am as far as my younger self is concerned. I do not feel sadness or defeat, I instead feel a sense of something unfamiliar. I am not sure of the emotion or feeling I have right now, but I am allowing it to flow through me to teach me whatever it is supposed to teach me. 

A different song plays and I am taken to my 17 year old self, reminded of a boyfriend; interestingly enough, a family member constantly mentions his name, confusing him with my current lover. Their names are similar, but not enough for the confusion. Thoughts of him pass and I am back to my current self, wondering when I intend to smoke my last joint or if I feel like rolling a blunt, which I never feel like rolling blunts. This evening however, is a bit different. particularly because the Moon is no where in sight. I saw her earlier in the day, but now that night has fallen, she's no where to be found; at least from my vantage point. 

I miss the Moon and my lover...

coming into view

I've been doing a modified version of the master cleanse for a couple weeks, rather than abstaining from food for the entire ten days I've chosen to eat small portions when hungry; such as fruit, salad, soup, etc. This method is working so far concerning eczema however, the weight loss aspect is rather slow since that is not the primary focus. I find myself being elevated much easier and longer lasting than when not focusing so much on my health, wellbeing lifestyle. During various periods of my adulthood I've tuned in totally to one aspect of myself while neglecting others, these days I am actively making a conscious effort to maintain a complete evaluation of my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). 

Last night while admiring the Full Moon, I was in awe to see a "Moonbow" in the night's sky. Interestingly enough, I could not remember the exact reasoning until knowledge from my recent Astronomy course came to mind and I was able to gain another explanation of the occurrence. To my surprise the explanation which captured my thoughts on the matter were quite profound with the astronomical lingo learned and embodied in eight short weeks. Next week will be the final week for the course which consists of one final exam. So far in this course I have a B, which is also something that finds me in amazement seeing how this course is like learning a foreign language. 

Also, yesterday I took a trip to the beach; while there I ate a portion of an edible which "kicked in" right about my date with the Moon. The Moon was full and bright, breathtakingly beautiful. Leaving me consumed with thoughts to share with you all. I was eager to write yet my laptop was at home and "writing" from my phone hasn't been done since the days of old, I wouldn't even know how or where to begin...

A while back I kept seeing a particular book in my reality, looking into it a bit I realized I am not ready to dive deeply into the shadow and subconscious self to engage with this book: "The Inner Work: An Invitation to True Freedom and Lasting Happiness." However, as I sat at the beach, the edible began running its course I then began to think of an age, although I don't recall any memories from that time I do remember thinking of the year and age I was at the time. I smiled and felt a sense of happiness, I began to think "If I could go back to any previous age, which age would I choose?" Usually when I ask myself that question I choose a particular age before I began making poor decisions rather than a time of happiness or contentment. This day however, I chose the era of happiness, a time I do not recollect yet the simple thought of being eleven years old again brought a smile to my face; which is a rare occurrence. 

Going back to the book I was interested in, I thought to find another which would focus on the inner child as opposed to the shadow and subconscious. I began to research a book that resinates with me, but that's going to take some time and effort on my part to find the "perfect" book for me. As I think about that, the thought of giving myself a deadline to acquire such book comes to mind and my response was to find it by the start of the year or my date of birth. The aroma of Purple Runtz fills the air, the same as it did last night. Although today it is mixed with Cherry Punch, combining all of the effects of each strain creating a concoction of happiness, excitement, the tingles and relaxation. I actually awoke today with no pain, as some of you may know I was involved in an auto accident late last year and since I've experienced much pain in my shoulder, neck and back. 

Thankfully, today there is no pain, as I mentioned earlier. As I typed those words the pain began... I believe it is due to both strains being hybrid and I don't know the indica to sativa ratio of each or when combined. I will admit the past few weeks I've felt a lot of depression, on the bright side, I've begun my routine of meds, detoxing, nurturing and being mindful of my wellbeing; leaving me feeling better and in alignment to feel the voice of my eleven year old inner child and her sharing moments of happiness with me. I also admit I am looking forward to hearing what she has to reveal to me about myself. As I discussed this happenstance with a friend I discovered my newfound journey, into my self with the assistance of my eleven year old self. 

I am unsure if I've shared this in public however, many of my close friends and family are aware that I do not remember the majority of my childhood. I can recall bits and pieces, but I do not remember if the issues with my memory began before or after the initial anxiety attack in the year 2012. Nevertheless, here I am. Anxiety disorder, depression, eczema, bipolar disorder, and dyslexia. All due to allowing myself to stay too long in unhealthy environments, unbeknownst to me the environments were dysfunctional because they were so familiar. Having an anxiety attack of that magnitude at the initial onset must have some ramifications. I've never thought of that prior to this moment, causing me to feel as if that may be the reason anxiety for me is so heavy. 

With all of that one thing that stands out and perplexes me, is the knowledge of being dyslexic as a writer. I believe that is the reasoning for being stunned by my grades in the English course I've taken thus far. Actually, my college experience this go-round has been beyond my expectation. My first college experience was filled with outstanding circumstances causing me to "drop out". My first attempt to restart my college journey in the year 2015 was filled with anxiety to the extent I could not attend my courses; dropping out again. This time has been very rewarding as I've only received A and B grades thus far. I've known about dyslexia for some time, but it wasn't until this astronomy course that I finally accepted the self-diagnosis. 

As a writer with dyslexia I find it gratifying to write as well as I do with such an impediment. I am unsure how this information coincides with thoughts of my eleven year old self, but I have a feeling it does to an extent. If I am not mistaken, that was the year my family moved from our home to an apartment, of course I do not recall the details however, I already had a friend or two in the neighborhood and attended honors classes at my new school. I believe that was the year I fully understood that I was "different" from my peers, realizing my thirst for knowledge and ability to write. Although I did not share that with others as I felt it was my sacred space. I still feel that way to an extent yet pushing forward I challenge myself to share on various outlets: such as the blogs and social media. 

Once I find the appropriate book for my inner child journey I will let you all know should you choose to join me. As always I would like to thank you all for your support regarding what I share with you. I also hope you take a moment to spend with the Moon, as it will be Full until this Saturday. Or visit nature and ground as we welcome the blessings of the last quarter of the year. Wishing you all peace and wellness.

Until next time.

Kamille 💗