King Kamille

“Do not love half lovers Do not entertain half friends  Do not indulge in works of the half talented Do not live half a life  and do not die a half death If you choose silence, then be silent When you speak, do so until you are finished Do not silence yourself to say something And do not speak to be silent” ~ Half A Life by Khali Gibran As you may know I’ve been more active with the blog, until recently when I had an encounter with someone who suggested I’m “too open”; I took a few days to contemplate those words. Unbeknownst to them I have been dealing with my issue of holding back, which interestingly enough was also mentioned by the same person not so long ago; when I shared a few of my previous blog entries . I was confused and a bit discouraged to continue when I realized, that’s their perception which deep down has nothing to do with me; even more so because the person making these “observations” chooses not to read the expressions I publish. I then had to look at myself...

As of late I’ve been adjusting to various changes in my life; including my mental health treatment strategies. After discontinuing my meds for a while I decided it was time to lower my dosage while micro-dosing medical marijuana, which brings me to my recent concoction:  Blackwater , Black Jack , Mimosa , Sherberry Pie and Sour Diesel  all of which cause various effects that I’m growing accustomed to. Many of the strains mentioned produce happiness, euphoria and uplifting effects; which are wonderfully a part of my current state of mind.  Over the years with mental illnesses I’ve learned a lot about marijuana and how it helps me balance my emotions and such. One thing I did not expect from this cocktail has been a major enhancement to my ability to focus as well as create. For about 5 years I smoked sativa later preferring hybrids, which to me is good for the various conditions I face. I suppose there are many ways to think of marijuana as well as the philosophy asso...

“Surround yourself with the things you love. Discard the rest.”   Kate Spade I feel as if I’ve had a rebirth of sorts, with Saturn   Pluto   Jupiter   Neptune  and Chiron in retrograde I’ve taken some time to revisit the meanings and effects of each. As I was reminded of some things I discovered why I’ve been feeling the way I have regarding matters of my heart, health and spirituality. I’ve also been studying my natal/ birth chart which seems to feel like the first time each time I read it. As I’ve learned the different aspects of myself I’ve learned to expect positive experiences when retrogrades occur. I wrote recently about not recalling the steps I took to lead me out of depression and into happiness and the above quote helped a lot. I started outward with candles and decorating then moved within to my thoughts and intentions. I devoted myself to the philosophy of self-love and self-care.  I began to nurture my inner child and re-examine the voids or a...

“She tried to keep herself away from everything that touches her feelings. She was afraid of the idea of love; that warm feeling has threaten her frozen heart.” - Sauuvagee (on tumblr) When I think of the times I’ve been “in love” I realize many times that was not the case at all. How can you be in love with someone yet you’re holding back? Holding back words, feelings, actions... your authenticity. I used to refer to myself as an “Ice Princess”, that was many Moon’s ago, now I know how I’ve kept her with me and allowed her to grow; although I can now say the words, I love you; it’s mainly to family, not even friends and rarely to a lover. I know now that I am afraid of love, of truly, deeply, passionately, loving someone. I tried it before and to be honest it broke my heart. I thought beyond repair, but as they say “time heals all wounds”. Imagine being deeply in love with someone and in the midst of it all they pass away... how can a heart love after that? I thought I could, but I of...

“fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” - William Wordsworth Since the onset of mental illnesses and the events thereafter I have struggled with knowing the desires of my heart. I have learned myself in new ways; ways I am unsure I would've learned had I not experienced the things which brought me to the journey I find myself on. Recently, I've been thinking about happiness and what it means/ how it looks to me and I must admit it has been more difficult than I expected. As I spoke with my tarot reader not long ago; we discussed happiness and it was suggested that I may actually be afraid to be happy, which wasn't much of a surprise. I realized that quite some time ago, various series of events lead to the feelings I was associating as a side effect of being happy. I remembered at the time I was happiest however simultaneously I was being sabotaged in one area of life and betrayed in another; which lead to some of the saddest times of my life. The who,...

“write hard and clear about what hurts” Earnest Hemingway  lately I have felt uneasy leaving home; between the pandemic and unlawful systematic abuse across the country, I don’t feel safe or comfortable going anywhere unnecessarily. I often think of the plight of Black people and why it seems to be unreasonable to have laws and rights passed creating a system of fairness and justice. society has a lot to repair in my opinion; I feel as if I don’t know enough about politics or the judicial system to go any further down that train of thought. However, I know how it feels when your loved one(s) leave and you are prayerful that’s they will return unharmed.  I dream of a world much different than the current society many have gotten fed up with. I can see why many have chosen to protest and/or boycott as ways to have our voices heard. I find it strange that I was inspired to write during this time; with so much going on. I thought I’d express the hurt and pain I feel as ...

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”  Meister Eckhart One thing I've learned has been to trust new beginnings, giving them room for something different; hopefully something better to occur in my life. I've learned that although some things may look similar to something in the past it is also a chance to put all of the "lessons learned" to use; as well as embrace a new experience. I think with so much of my focus on things causing nostalgia it's great to look forward to things, setting new goals and leaving self open to evolving or being enlightened. I think that's what I'm looking forward to in the present moment; chances to be enlightened along this new journey I find myself on.  Lately, there have been plenty of earthquakes near my area , add to that the recent Solar Eclipse, several planets in retrograde and the approaching Lunar Eclipse in the coming weeks. All of that feels like ...

"you cannot have love if your heart is closed" - Iyanla Vanzant I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which ...

"your art is not about how many people like your work your art is about if your heart likes your work if your soul likes your work it's about how honest you are with yourself and you must never trade honesty for relatability" - @chakrahealingvibes (Instagram) Oftentimes I am not sure what to write; usually I allow the words to flow and make sense of themselves, lately however I've been too  indecisive about what I want to share on the blogs and what I want to keep to myself. As much as I know that will only lead to overthinking and such I am making progress as far as not allowing the insecurity to stop me. At one point, even in resent times I have had the thought that I've "lost" my inspiration to share. Which is not the case, however a writer without a muse is an interesting space to be in. As the season changes from Spring to Summer I am forced to reckon with the reality of the year passing by with so much hope and anti...

With nearly every planet in retrograde ( Jupiter , Pluto , Saturn and Uranus  with Neptune going retrograde June 18- November 27), I am currently feeling a bit out of sorts; I guess you can say. Add into the mix this past weekends New Moon, I feel as if I have been sent into orbit. There's a gleeful expression awaiting the words to describe the feeling. However, I don't really know how to be happy anymore; blame bipolar disorder or the circumstances over the past 7 years... Like that quote says, "we all have chapters we don't read aloud" , I sporadically have flashbacks of specific periods where I was either nearly homeless or committed to psych wards and the events leading up to those times as well as the people who played a certain role in those situations. I try to forgive, and to some extent I have, then I think about where I am today; although everything isn't "blue skies and rainbows" , thankfully they aren't as bleak as they once wer...

225 is the number of blog entries reverted to drafts on the other blog ; once I read through a few I realized why they'd return to such. I was completely transparent, however maybe not where it should have been expressed; perhaps, in person or stored in a journal. The purpose of re-reading them was to decide if I should republish them or not and as open and honest as they were I now feel as if I should cherish those memories and let them go. That's been a pattern lately, letting things go. Not from a negative, reactive space, more of a "for the good times" kind of way. While writing this entry I choose to look into an app I have named "Angel Numbers" where I was able to gain insight on a perception regarding those numbers. Of course the message received was confirmation that I am on my journey. I supposed that's one of the issues I've been facing lately; the feeling of nostalgia. I don't quite want to forget any of the memories, with the excep...

"Be a lamp, or a lifeboat or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal" -Rumi Lately, I've been feeling the urge to share; for some odd reason the above quote comes to mind (often). As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the recent years. When dealing with mental health each issue can consume you, so it takes a lot of effort to "remain sane" as the number of disorders seem to increase. I will admit bipolar is a far different "beast" than anxiety and depression have been; for me. However while focusing on my well-being I've neglected the blogs which of course was not intentional. So back to the quote; although I've continued to share on various social media outlets I have not allowed myself to voice my thoughts in the form of blog entries which I will admit has left me feeling the void. During the time of soul searching and healing I chose not to "be a lamp or a lifeboat" or even "a ladder...

“I show my scars so that others may know they can heal.” Unknown I've written before of my relationship with my Mother, the last post mentioning the unlikelihood of reconciliation. Well, as they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell (Him) your plans"; as unlikely as I thought I was lead to reconcile not only with my Mother, but a few other people in my life. After months of inner-child work as  well as some shadow work which lead to hospitalization earlier this year I believe I am healing wounds from my early childhood years. Which I feel is necessary not to mention inevitable once a person begins the journey into Self-Awareness or any type of Spiritual Journey.  I've missed writing and sharing, I haven't thought of any reason to justify staying away so long other than I was "getting my shit together". Spending many days and nights battling anxiety, depression and insomnia along with the recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I feel as if I ...

For the past several evenings I have been attempting to schedule a date with the Moon. As we near the beginning of Summer the Moonrise becomes later and later into the wee hours of the morning, which is far too late/early for me to be out alone, so each night I dread sleep because I'd rather be gazing at the miraculous glow of the Moon. Especially after such a beautiful Full Moon days ago. My love for the Moon began officially one quiet Summer in the 1990's (South Central, Los Angeles). I don't quite remember the details, but what I do remember,  I won't forget. I believe the Moon was Full and I was outside awaiting my laundry. I stood there looking at one of the biggest, brightest Moon's I've ever seen (that I can recall). I was in Love. I'd never felt that way about anything and I knew I wanted to have that feeling included in my life from that day forward. The bond I have with the Moon is indescribable; the love and admiration along with trust and safety...

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye." - unknown It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are ...