The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity

"the heart is the secret inside the secret"
Rumi

It's always interesting when the Moon effects me; especially during the New Moon.  I feel so open and free; unlike other Moon phases.  I haven't decoded exactly how or why things differ, but it always comes to mind during the Full Moon. At times I find myself confused by these differences and how they are so drastic. It's fascinating because not only do I feel these influences differently during each respective phase, but it is extremely different as I've grown in age as well as spiritually. To the point I find myself over-thinking what to share and how much to keep to myself.  I suspect it is because the desire to share violates my overprotective need for privacy. As I shared in Black with Some Blues the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo made a point to highjack my feelings in such a way that I was forced to not only face them, also to deal with them.  I have been thinking a lot about my future as well as the quality of this life. I used to visualize my life and how I dreamed everything would go; from career to a family and even retirement.  Without going too deep, since accepting the reality of my life, I am forced to discard those dreams; which has become devastating. Shortly after I began observing Sacred Time at 4 a.m. I recognized areas of denial, this reminded me of an entry I published on my previous blog. I recall in The Danger of Denial where I had to accept the need for medication and how I could not believe certain things until I'd honestly acknowledged their existence. Now that I find myself in a similar circumstance I had to acknowledge the fact that I have been in denial which was causing me to procrastinate on a very important matter.  

Once I realized this I became extremely anxious and depressed, which informed me that I not only needed to take a step back, but I also needed to figure out a way to move forward.  In being honest about the denial I discovered the heartache which still does not feel resolved. Nevertheless, the other aspects of this particular heartbreak have now taken a back seat to the thought that I may need to  grieve those dreams. It feels overwhelming at this age to have such a responsibility; to begin to dream again paired with the magnitude of my decisions. The other factor is this time those dreams come with the reality of limitations; or should I say, additional obstacles. As I take steps to understand who I am in addition to who I chose to become; I was forced to accept my condition more than ever. Not long after the initial diagnosis, I was advised to complete an advance directive yet since the initial suggestion (along with every suggestion after that) I found myself depressed. Of course none of us know the outcome of our lives, but when you're relatively healthy you may not consider decisions the same as someone who has health issues.  I know prior to my initial anxiety attack I thought I'd live a long, full and happy life. So the idea of making these decisions now put into thought the possibility of my life being cut short.  I then became angry; at this point I felt like a bubble of emotions and I had no idea how to express them. 

I began to pray for tears; as I've shared on various social media outlets, I rarely cry.  I remember times I'd gone years without tears; without a thought.  But realizing I had been in this state of depression and devastation for over 3 weeks made me painfully aware that if I didn't snap myself out of these feelings and begin to take steps to heal I'd lose control.  The tears began to stream slowly until the prayers reached a spot in my heart unleashing some of the hurt, resentment, anger and sadness. When the tears dried, I began to meditate and pray; for the first time asking God to restore the possibility of a long life.  I've been holding onto the fear and anger attached to the concept that life with mental illness means that the life (that I wanted) was taken from me and finding a way to make the most of the life that has been given to me. That is around the time my morbid sense of humor stepped in allowing me to look past the mental illness (briefly) and think of what I want; from the space in my heart that had been opened during this experience.

As I geared up for the complete 2nd week of February which sparks many of my favorite "holidays" I realized the intense feeling of Love had taken me hostage.  For years the "holiday season" which consists of Thanksgiving, Christmas and on occasion, New Year's are rather difficult for me; as my birth date approaches my mood can be "hit or miss", but something about Galantine's, Black Love, Valentine's and Single's Awareness Day I feel extremely different; even if only for a short while. I may have mentioned it before, I think it has something to do with the condensed energy surrounded by the commercial industry focusing on greeting cards, candy, flowers and other gifts; many of my favorite things.  This year however was a bit different as I am not in any type of relationship; other than with myself so to speak.  I won't go into the details, but I feel so detached from everything/everyone.  Yet I feel as if I am overflowing with Love. I decided that I would express my love of life, love and this particular season as I felt was most appropriate as the opportunity presents itself; if only it were that simple more often. Since the revelation of part of my sadness I decided to at least take a step in the direction of completing those documents; even if it takes baby steps to finish. The other thing is the matter of my heart, I remember, prior to the engulfment of emotions I stumbled upon something that brought to my mind the concept of metaphysics.  

As I dove into the endless research found on the topic I found another space in my heart that I had long forgotten about.  After my last "relationship" if you would call it that; I'd begun to accept the reality of long-term singleness. As I wrestled with the thought I found myself seeing someone, immediately I knew it would not develop into anything so I was delighted to block and delete. Since then my heart has grown cold. I've always been nonchalant about relationships, mainly because along with my overprotective need for privacy I also have an overwhelming dislike for commitment.  I'd loved intensely a few times and those relationships ended tragically so at some point I gave up on romantic love. I figured on some level it was not for me and I could quite honestly do without it. I still believe that to be true; yet as I am forced to prepare for the rest of my life and reflecting on life since the onset of these mental illnesses I am frieghtened of my future remaining as it has been for the past 5 years. I do not know if that means I am choosing to open myself to the possibility of other forms of love or if I am simply caught up on the Cosmos. I do know that my Soul is longing for something I have yet to experience; or perhaps an experience I've pushed so far into my subconscious that it slips my mind. 

Maybe it's the Moon,  the effects of the Moon rituals from the past 6 months or the situation I find myself in, but I feel as if the space in my heart that decided to open wants to teach me something. Maybe it was always there and I chose to ignore it until my reality forced it to confront me. I am not sure exactly why this has become my battle to face, but there is no other choice except to fight it. Although I am fighting for a life and future I did not design, how could I give up? I would not have believed if someone said to me this would be my life, as I am sure anyone else would react the same. The difference I suppose is the belief that God will not put more on us than we can bare and that all things are working together for the good... When depression, anxiety and emotions mix together you are bound to have some level of explosion; so I have made a conscious effort to saturate myself in Self Care and Self Love, listening to my Soul as I am guided where I am supposed to be. It's odd, because I have never been in this space before and it has forced me to stand on what I believe as well as discard, challenge or amend my entire way of thinking as various subjects and situations present themselves.

I don't understand much about myself anymore, in comparison to my life prior to 2012; yet I feel as if I will spend the remainder of my days (as the Most High sees fit) to not only comprehend the me of my past, the me I would like to be as well as the me I am currently.  My overall hope is that I can figure it out and detail it in a way that whatever has brought me to this point can be avoided by another. I believe that "everything happens for a reason" yet I would not wish anxiety disorder, severe depression or any other mental illness on another person under any circumstance. Surprisingly as a person who often avoids commitment, this is something I feel in my being is something worth committing to. I've even allowed myself to acknowledge some areas of my advance directive and I am ready to begin the necessary steps to have it in place. Although I pray God keeps my sanity intact, I have experienced times where it had abandoned me; which is a reality I battle daily never to endure again, but realistically, should that be the case I have to be honest with myself and prepare. Through all of the emotional turmoil the silver lining I suppose would be the fact that everything (the Cosmos, circumstances and emotions) aligned to get me to another level of acceptance.  Yes, at times I wish I could rewind time and avoid what created these conditions but seeing how that will never happen I am choosing to rebuke those thoughts and focus on the aspects of this life that are up to me to create; with the guidance of my Soul, the divine feminine energy within and the Spirit of the Most High.  

I realize, by paying attention to the Moon, the Cosmos, various philosophies, enlightenment, awareness, etc. in alignment with the Spirit of the Creator; I believe more than ever that not only does "all things work together for good" but the part of the verse after that, which we often overlook; saying "to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.", Romans 8:28 kjv. I suppose that's the "secret inside the secret" the Soul and the Spirit of God may be aware of what's happening, but we must take notice of the elements in which we abide in order to see truly how things are interconnected as well as when various situations are requiring our attention. As I realize not only the down side of not taking heed to these occurrences but the benefit of nurturing myself (especially since the onset of mental health issues) in a way that I never needed to before. I am discovering (somewhat) daily how these conditions vary from day to day and situation to situation; which forces me to take breaks in order to tune or check in with myself for triggers or unpleasantness yet still enjoy a happy, fulfilling, joyful life.  I haven't discovered that yet, but I strive to spend the rest of my days doing just that.

"it's a long old road, but I'm gonna find the end"

Bessie Smith 

Be Blessed 🌖💗✨
Kamille 

Black with Some Blues

I had another post in the works, however in the midst of gathering my thoughts I was bombarded with feelings and emotions surrounding a situation which occurred sometime ago.  Seeing how I thought I'd resolved those feelings, I even felt as if there was acceptance and closure; for some reason (I know now, the energy of the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo to be the culprit.) these feelings began bubbling up to the surface in the form of heartache.  It caught me off-guard because as I shared, I thought I had come to accept the outcome and found closure in the circumstances.  Unlike the days of old, I did not run from how I was feeling; I decided to go on the roller coaster of emotions and see what showed up on the other side.  

It's always interesting when I find myself in situations such as these, usually because when I feel as if it may be one area of my self that is calling for my attention (i.e.: heartache) there's typically several issues all relating to that concept which causes me to learn something new about myself or my perception relating to specific things.  As I began to dive into my mind and heart to find the cause of my change in mood there was a brief moment when I was afraid.  As I realized I was only scratching the surface of one issue it became painfully apparent that this particular feeling was attached to so many aspects of my life.  Things began to get somewhat "dark", but not in the stereotypical sense of the word.  I've always had somewhat of a "dark sense of humor" and on occasion, from the reality of my conditions I find myself having thoughts a bit on the morbid side.  Over the years I'd developed an awareness that this often makes people uncomfortable, so I learned early on to keep it to myself; in addition to not allowing it to get out of control.  I recall all of the preconceived notions and superstitions pressed upon me without any explanation as to why these things were "wrong", "bad" or "evil".  I laughed to myself earlier the other evening as I remembered  an exchange with my Grandfather regarding his disapproval of my black finger nail polish.  For years I would not wear it for fear of being perceived a certain way. This lead to a laundry list of things I did not do, wear, say, etc. out of someone else's disapproving comment(s) or preferences.  

I slowly began to see how as independent as I believed myself to be, there were aspects where I allowed society to control who I am.  This of course came as a shock, especially seeing how I had eliminated that way of thinking so long ago; or so I thought.  While taking "inventory" I could suddenly see how these beliefs were so subtle and many were taught to me from a very young age.  Figuring out what was no longer serving me and how I had allowed myself to overlook or dismiss these things for so long became overwhelming and I shut down.  I set my cell phone to "do not disturb" and I prayed, meditated, slept (a lot!) then finally took a few steps towards self-care.  I later decided to pour myself a drink after my thoughts lead to me remember the advance directive I've put off completing for a few years now.  I could feel myself heading towards a bout of depression so I then decided to escape my reality into the land of make believe; i.e.: binge worthy television.  I found a few things to entertain myself in hopes of lifting my spirits and was surprised by strategically placed antidotes mixed into the program I'd selected.  On an unrelated matter I took to a caption on my Instagram stating:

"it still amazes me how the answers just flow... how everything is connected and leads back to The Most High (God) when you connect the dots."

As I continued to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions various songs, television programs, social media posts as well as interactions all tied together to assist me in recognizing the phase of the journey I find myself in.  I realize with all of that I should continue to allow myself the freedom of expression, even when I feel others may not understand.   The interesting thing about it all is I felt initially as if I was heartbroken because of a person, when I am beginning to think I may have been longing for a particular part of myself that has been gone for quite some time.  I realize the strength in my spiritual practices as well as the alignment with the Universe, I mentioned I believe on twitter and maybe Instagram how things have developed since beginning the practice of Full and New Moon rituals provided by Mystic Lipstick.  I've expressed how each ritual theme coincides with an issue that comes up shortly before the Moon reaches a particular phase (Full or New Moon Phase).  As it seems this ritual was no different.  

I find myself in awe at times, because everything truly is connected.  Often times I'll look into information or various thoughts which leads to research and find myself experiencing a certain "knowing" and at times I can even recall my younger self being interested in that particular thing and being told something in which made me shy away from it.  At one point I found myself angry; I felt as if had some of my interests not been stifled at such an impressionable age my life may have taken a different route.  Or maybe some of the "bumps in the road" would have been avoided.  As I made peace with that, I knew the other expression I had been working on would have to take a back seat in order to process the past few weeks.  It wasn't until a couple of days ago when this post actually came together, I had no idea what would be expressed; until I remembered a photo (above) and how I found it humorous for various reasons, then the "title" came together after a song played in my head on a loop (lol) and finally I allowed the fingers and heart to do the talking.  Although I am not sure what will come from releasing the energy detailed in the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse ritual, I have decided that it is time to grow in this area.  Whatever that means.

I haven't gone farther than the mailbox since Thursday; with the exception of social media, I haven't interacted with more than a handful of people.  The introvert in me likes it that way, yet for my sanity I know I will need to interact with others in the very near future which is why I knew I needed to process the sadness and anger before that happened.  As I've been conscious of actually engaging in a spiritual journey I've noticed that I have neglected some of my feelings.  At times I find myself ashamed to admit when I am depressed or sad; I am forced to admit when I am anxious, mainly because suppressing those feelings often lead to circumstances I can not control.  Yet, I think subconsciously I felt that being on a spiritual path meant that I should not get angry.  I don't know where that came from or when it attached itself to my thought pattern.  I found over the past few days I was angry at times, but the way I processed it was a bit different than my old approach.  I realize I have a long road ahead of me, especially with navigating through mental health issues; but I am thankful to be in a space where I can acknowledge my growth and vulnerability, while admitting that I have much more work to do.  I am not sure at this time how much I will share publicly, but I have made the commitment to my self to allow for the necessary expression this process requires.  

To Be Continued...

A Beautiful Disaster

As I've shared vaguely throughout the years the "holiday season" is not my favorite time of year. So I've learned to use those times as introspection in order to focus on an area I'd want to improve upon concerning issue(s) associated with my thoughts and/or feelings. With the intention of healing or at the very least acknowledging the hurt associated with the potential or actual triggers. Last year however was more difficult; I believe as the election approached and the final choices were established my anxiety went haywire. The truth is, for some odd reason I seem to experience some of the worst things of my life in the last part of the year; for example, November 2005, a car accident that quite honestly should have killed me (click the above link for original [edited] post and / or see photos below*). Also in November, the birth date of my best friend; I've never reassigned his standing in my life as the impression he left me with is quite irreplaceable; I've written about him before on the other blog; however since re-publishing it that particular post was one of those chosen to revert to draft, as it is quite personal and I realize it was too intimate to share with the public at this time.  Each year on or around his birth date I find myself reminiscing which since the onset of the conditions can result in nostalgia or a great depression. The worst part of that is I never know which it will be until it happens. Nevertheless, I learned so much from our friendship, he was my first real love; the blueprint to the love I envision still to this day. I won't go into detail, but in January 2002 he chose to commit suicide. I apologize if that is triggering for anyone, unfortunately there is no other way to explain it. As you can imagine even sharing this now has made me a bit emotional. If you can imagine that type of love and the reality of the outcome I believe you can figure my reluctance towards a few things in the realm of vulnerability. Then there was the initial anxiety attack in September 2012 which morphed into anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses.  So typically from September until January I am rather fragile, not that I advertise it; actually I'm sure if I didn't mention it no one would  know.

Now with all of that the disbelief of the possible outcome of this election had me on edge, with one candidate it would be status quo, neither better or worse for a person in my position (a Black woman with disabilities / mental illness, etc.) yet with the other, a "person" who seems to want to set the world on fire (and not in a fun loving, romanticized fashion) we all see the outcome of that; and it's only been a little more than a week. For the first few days I did not leave my house for fear of the atmosphere and news of various attacks. With everything in mind I took an extremely proactive approach towards self-care to ensure I did not become manic.  Which is when I began to look deeper into myself and actually begin some Soul work and according to my Vedic horoscope I have some kind of repressed desire; I began to meditate and pray on the discovery to no avail.  So I decided to gift myself various books on my wishlist in the hopes of my higher self directing me to the hidden gems referenced through the Universe.  

Since the beginning of the year I have made a conscious effort to have scheduled Sacred Time each morning (4-6 am); up until then I simply dedicated whenever I awoke in the day, before break fast.  However since I've incorporated having the time scheduled I've noticed a difference in my spiritual life.  I decided to make this change after beginning the book Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit.  Shortly after I started it, Queen Afua posted on Instagram about a call she was conducting which happened to align with the day I was having and I decided to join.  During the call she discussed the importance of Sacred Time and why it should be done during this time, so I started the following day.  Initially it was a bit difficult due to my battles with insomnia and the fact that my sleep pattern already leaves much to be desired (to say the least).  As I got deeper into the book some other issues and patterns resurfaced which reminded me of another book I'd intended to purchase; Trust by Iyanla Vanzant.  I will admit, I had been avoiding this book for some time as I felt I was not ready to be as vulnerable as it would require.  However, with the soul work I had begun there was no choice; I did not want to deal with any adverse "consequences" associated with rebelling against the needs of my soul.  As the scripture says, "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (I Samuel 15:22b, NIV).  I am glad that I followed the direction of my soul as it lead me to a few interesting revelations in terms of my personality, emotional "wounds" and patterns.  Some of which I was already aware and /or familiar with and others that came as a bit of a surprise, nevertheless, I feel as if I am on the road to discovering my purpose.  

I say that because considering all that I have been through in my life and the recent events which lead to my current conditions along with my knowledge and relationship with The Most High, God; I can not understand this life being as it has been without a purpose somewhere along the way.  As it states in Romans 8: 28, KJV; "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose". I believe I've shared before of the desire I have to write a book, perhaps a novel.  Without going into much detail I would like to write about my life pre-conditions and the adjustments needed to maintain health and sanity with mental illness.  In addition to the information I share about myself on various social media outlets, I find it therapeutic to contribute within the conversations of encouragement, mental health awareness and as of late advocating on behalf of social injustice.  I also find myself to be hypersensitive concerning the narrative I see associated with the continued stigma and narrow-mindedness surrounding mental health and "acceptable" treatment.  On occasion I'll see view points which shadow my own, but on average I find it to be limiting, discouraging and / or shaming; which is also triggering.  I believe I wrote in the past that rather than waiting to find someone to speak in terms that I relate to I should be that voice, even if it's only for myself.  

I think that has been the most difficult to understand; the knowledge of my spiritual life flourishing while through the course of time my mental, emotional and physical health has declined.  Although I know the depth of my faith, the difficultly in accepting limitations that are unfamiliar to me and the life I once lived. I won't go into detail, but what I will share is the feeling as I would imagine when the Titanic crashed into the iceberg; or perhaps an iceberg in general. Understanding the surface is so minute in comparison to what lies beneath. Maybe this will be my life's work, to understand my own brain and how it has changed. Which is another concept I began to explore, for my whole life (prior to the development of mental health issues) I thought your brain is what it is; of course everyone continues to have the ability to learn, but the idea that your brain can change completely and some things you found to be effortless can become extremely challenging due to some event such as an anxiety attack or other developments.  I witnessed an exchange on twitter the other day which lead me to search online for personality test(s); I shared the web address in Instagram because I found it gave me so much insight because of how accurate it was.  This then lead me to Self-Therapy Journey and I thought to share, not only because of the information I received, but because I realize although mental health awareness have become common buzz-words I don't think it is taken seriously by the masses in the way that it should be.  Typically we see dysfunctional behavior and it becomes a meme or a joke and we (speaking in general) circulate it until it's not longer funny or there's another to replace it; however as someone who battles mental health issues I find some things more of a "cry for help" as opposed to humorous.  

I guess if I can take all of my experiences, lessons, blessings, etc. and shed light on an otherwise overlooked aspect of life or lend my "voice" for otherwise unheard communities in which I can relate then what greater purpose is there for me? The good thing about that is, if there is a higher purpose, in time it will be revealed and in the meantime I can do what has become a saving grace for myself (for various reasons) and if by chance someone feels encouraged or heard or what have you; then I know I have made a positive contribution to this place we reside called Earth.  

Blessings & Happy New Moon in Aquarius 🌑♒️💗✨

*November 5, 2005

The Beginning of Everything

"To write is to give your heart away to everyone."  ~ Unknown

I've sat with my laptop in front of me and attempted to type my heart out, only to become overwhelmed; leaving at least 3 drafts to be completed. Initially I thought I was a bit too vague, then I overshared and finally there was a post which was quite scattered. I then decided to take a step back and allow all of my thoughts and feelings to settle for understanding.  It wasn't until today when it dawned on me: I have not been in the space for vulnerability to flow properly. I say that because, vulnerability has always been a touchy topic for me, the concept has evolved throughout the years, however it's still extremely personal and uncomfortable for me to share.

I suppose that's where the above quote comes into the picture, I realized many Moons ago that writing requires a particular honesty that comes from being vulnerable with your thoughts. To open yourself in a way that allows the person reading to step into your shoes, see the world through your eyes and experience what's being shared from another perspective; at least that is what I hope happens when someone understands my words.  The trouble is I struggle with the actuality of that. Typically when I write it is to share a thought or express my feelings in the moment, lately, I've wanted to process some of my thoughts aloud since my circumstances have taken a turn and I find myself alone a lot more than before.  So I suppose I was trying to use this blog as a sounding board of sorts, which clearly did not pan out as expected. In retrospect I believe that's a good thing, because that approach does not work for me.

When I think about writing it is quite intimate. I had a conversation with someone a couple of days ago and the existence of the blog came up, it was quite interesting because the person I was speaking with mentioned how difficult it must be to be so open. I thought about it and replied with how it really isn't, as I thought about it further I realize, although I have been blogging for a while as well as sharing myself on various social media outlets, much of what I share can be classified as vague.  I have committed to being honest which allows intimacy, as well as enough vulnerability that does not take me too far from my comfort zone(s), while being open enough to express the desired concept. However I began to question: does my perception actually translate in my writing?

This lead to another thought surrounding my birth date; I don't recall when it began, but I don't normally tell people my birth date unless there is a specific and/or necessary reason; and once I disclose the date I rarely mention it again.  I don't make a big deal about it to other people and I typically don't expect anything from anyone (words or gifts). Yet the people who manage to acknowledge it always make my heart smile; I believe it's because they are under no obligation to do so, which is exactly why I don't put pressure on anyone about it. I prefer organic celebration, which comes from a genuine space, usually from the heart. The part that confuses me (until now) were the people I thought would and didn't/ don't; mainly because those are the ones who tend to be most vocal about their "love" for me. As I overthought and overanalyzed the entire situation I was reminded of a couple other quotes that I've made a mental note of over the years, one from fellow-Capricorn, Eartha Kitt where she describes herself as well as the persona known to the public; she says, "Eartha Mae is very shy. She's scared to be seen, scared of rejection and even afraid of affection. Relationships can be rather uncomfortable for her. But, as Eartha Kitt, it's fine. I can accept and reject any time I want to. Do I ever reject? Not really. Although people think I do!". One of the things that resonates with me and that quote has a lot to do with perception, like Eartha, I am very shy, but I'd classify it as more of an observant, analytical personality trait.  I also prefer to be in the background, not out of fear of rejection, but more so being misunderstood.  So I tend to control the narrative as far as photo's, captions, blog entries, etc., where I am as transparent as possible to leave little to no room for misunderstanding, however some things are open to interpretation.  

Which touches on the other quote which states, “I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.” — Jean Rhys. The interesting thing about this statement is that I understand this feeling from my soul; I truly want to be loved, however outside of a basic love of humanity, I do not expect it from others, mainly because it does not come in the way that translates love to me. From my understanding of love and the theory I've decided upon, although you may love others, if you do not love them in a way that they understand it may not be felt as you are intending to give it. I don't think that means to stop loving a person, however I do believe that it is not as genuine or selfless if a person is only willing to express love the way they see fit. I'll try to explain; now that I think of it, it's not difficult to explain (see The Five Love Languages).  Once I began to learn as well as understand my love languages it made more sense to me why I felt as if some expressions I received felt meaningless.  Although I may come across as vague or guarded; I am extremely thoughtful as far as the energy, time and thinking I put into my words and actions. So I've come to disregard meaningless interactions, regardless of the person, activity or whatever, if it serves no real purpose then I'll choose not to participate.

So when I put it all together I found myself a bit relieved. As I felt a need to prepare for this year for quite some time I never knew why it felt so urgent. I finally concluded that I was beginning to re-evaluate and cultivate my habits which coincides with my goals so that I could be at a better advantage for them to be accomplished. So as I spent the holiday season alone I realized how much I have detached from the need for others to celebrate me in any way for any reason. Or should I say, from expecting it to come from any particular person, as William Shakespeare put it, "expectation is the root to all heartache"; I've heard that saying a very long time ago, but when it came to mind this time it all connected in a way that it never had before. Once the thoughts and feelings melted together with the remembrance of these quotes I began to see an area of growth that I've been working on for years.  As Nina Simone says "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”; which to me all goes together. The conclusion I've drawn is although many people in society will call themselves introverted, many are not deep down. A lot of people crave acceptance, inclusion, re-assurance, and the like. Notwithstanding as a defense mechanism they'll proclaim to be savage or how they don't "need anyone" yet under the facade they are actually hoping someone will see through it and rescue them from their solitude.  I feel as if some people have not taken the time to understand me therefore they attempt to express meaningless gestures which results in my need to isolate myself.  

Meaninglessness is the easiest way for me to grow cold in a sense. I truly believe that silence is better than bullshit, so if the interaction will not  improve the silence or solitude then there is no point in engaging.  Which lead to the thought of putting that philosophy towards the blog as well.  I even decided to make the other blog public as I may integrate some of my earlier expressions into new posts as a point of reference as well as a glimpse into thoughts that I may have outgrown or may still need to improve upon. I suppose in examining the beginning of everything I am able to discover why I may behave in some ways as well as where I must dig deeper to uncover aspects of myself that are no longer serving me.  One area of growth is I did not take the opportunity to change my phone number; although some days I think it may be for the best. However for the past (approximately) 6 months I have made an effort to declutter my contacts and distance myself from spaces that I feel as if I am being tolerated or not cared for in the way that I should be.  I believe it goes back to self-care and self-love; once a person truly recognizes the goodness and worthiness within accepting less than from others is no longer acceptable.  In the past I used to accept the idea of "good enough", even after witnessing someone treating a person in a manner they chose not to with me and I decided that was no longer tolerable. I strongly believe that people will treat you in a way that you've showed them is the standard, if you (speaking in general) give allowance for mistreatment that is what will become expected.  And the other thing is a bit cliche, but true nonetheless, when a person shows you who they are, believe them.  Simple as that, you can not change how people are, and it is not your responsibility or obligation (unless it is a part of your profession).  So if you've set standards for yourself and made it clear how you feel you are to be treated and those in your inner-circle refuse to accommodate those standards it is perfectly fine to walk away; choose not to interact with them or participate in one another's lives.  Because in the end most people will not change or it may take them a rather long time to recognize your needs; so why put yourself in a position where you are heartbroken or feel some type of way because you aren't being treated the way you'd like. Especially when the relationship with self sets the tone for all other relationships.

One thing that I have found underneath the therapy of self-care and self-love is that I no longer want or need to keep people around for the sake of someone being there. Mainly, because from my experience they are only there to the extent of their needs. Such as when you have a bad day they're unavailable, but when they need a shoulder to cry on you're the first one they call. Why is that acceptable? Since my diagnosis I have learned, many times the hard way; that it's not a matter of not needing anyone, it's more so the understanding that 1.) I do not need anyone at the expense of my self-respect or self-esteem. Meaning if I have to beg for time and attention, I don't want it. If I am not a priority until or unless I am needed for my help or resources; don't call me. Once I developed that attitude my emotional well being improved tremendously.  2.) I took some online advice.  I'm sure we've all seen the meme which says "stop hitting them up first and watch y'all never talk again"; when I tell you that is (very often) the truth! Some people are only in our live's because we put them there. If we are being caring, concerned, thoughtful and/or attentive to the needs and desires (when applicable) to our loved ones; whether family, friend(s) or significant other we are relatively aware if we haven't seen or heard from them in a while.  However the choice to not call, text, send a card/ email or knock on their door says that they are not a priority.  Of course we're all busy in some area of our lives, but if 9 times out of 10 communication is initiated mostly by one party leaving the other to respond; why continue? 3.) I made a conscious effort to detach from the insert common noun here; meaning, I give love, encouragement, etc., to people I have relationships with as well as anyone who crosses my path including my social media outlets; not expecting anything in return, but I leave myself open to the Universe to shower me with the same. The moment I took the expectation of "so-and-so should xyz because I always blah blah blah", I realized my error and understood how that approach to life, love, what have you will always leave you feeling used, unloved and/or heartbroken; but if you give of yourself because you truly want to then what you need will always come back to you, a lot of times from unlikely people and/or places, but always at the right time.  

Perhaps that's an answer to my issue with vulnerability and writing; I feel even in this post, by allowing the transparency and intimate expression of my thoughts to flow freely, I can begin to allow myself the freedom to be as vulnerable as each post requires of me.  Without the fear of being misunderstood or oversharing I will develop whatever it is I need from this expression; because in the end, "what you seek is seeking you" - Rumi

Blessings 💗✨

Don't Be Deceived...

As I've shared on my various social media platforms, I've been preparing for 2017 since (roughly) September or October of 2016.  Not in the sense of attempting to predict anything, but more so taking an introspective look into my beliefs, habits and practices.  I took a look at certain things I've been unhappy with/about and reassessed if at this time, or the near future there was anything I could do to course correct.  Although, much of which I will not share, there were some things that I knew I could improve upon.  Shortly after the Universe aligned to provide opportunities for me to begin those changes (should I choose to accept).  What I mean is, through prayer I talk to God; and during this time I share my deepest concerns, my hopes and dreams, as well as the vision I have in my head about my life and the lifestyle I envision for myself (short as well as long-term). Then throughout the day I meditate, I sit quietly, sometimes with music or reading and I allow the Spirit of God to minister to me.  I then hear where I can improve or where my vision may need tweaking.  Sometimes I'll stumble upon an article, website, tweet, instagram post or what have you and it will be right in alignment with an aspect of my prayer or message I received during meditation.  So I've begun implementing a few things and I have noticed quite a bit of change (mostly from within).

Many years ago I was introduced to the concept of affirmations and how you simply visualize the happier, wealthier, insert whatever here "you" and magically the "law of attraction" will create it into your life with little to no effort on your part.  So naively I adapted that practice into my life, picking up a few other philosophies along the way.  It wasn't until I began the master cleanse some years later that things took a turn.  Initially I completed the master cleanse for the 10- days and I will admit, not only did I lose some  unwanted weight (which was the only goal at the time) I also experienced an awakening of sorts.  I changed, I can't say exactly how, but it was noticeable; not only to me, but to others in my "circle".  A few months later I decided to do the cleanse again, this time for more enlightenment.  I completed 15-days and that's exactly what I received; unfortunately, I also began to experience unexpected antagonist.  It seemed as if they came out of "the wood work", which caught me completely off guard as I was "lost" in my "positive vibes only" view point.  I could not understand why somethings as well as some people were doing their damnest to annoy, frustrate, be cruel, etc., to me.  I was so crushed, because I did not understand how I was following the practices yet everything wasn't coming up roses for me.

Throughout the years since I started this journey I've revamped some of those practices and philosophies in a way that would be unique for me.  Where I apply the concept and incorporate what resonates with my beliefs, and if by chance it challenges my beliefs, I pray then meditate and figure out what or why I feel the way I do and from there I know if it's something that fits me or not. One thing I've ditched is the thought relating to the concept of only thinking and speaking positive things and that's ALL that you'll receive.  Don't be deceived... That is not how it works.  For a chosen few maybe; but I can not relate to that.  I do understand (from experience) the message behind the saying “new levels bring new devils" (Bishop T. D. Jakes).  When I first adapted some things into my being I actually had someone reply to an email I'd sent and literally said "I'm just testing to see if this is true" and continued to provoke a particular reaction throughout the correspondence.  To their surprise I did not react in a fashion they'd expected and thankfully since then I've had very limited interaction with them.  As I thought I'd passed my "test" I seemed to have gone into a season of calamity, just one thing after another; of course there was good mixed in, but the rough patch was/is overwhelming.  Yet I continued (and continue) to live each day in alignment with the dreams and goals I have for myself.  At times I will admit I get discouraged, but I've applied Self- Care and Self- Love as a huge priority for myself.

So back to recent days, as I've shared I decided to spend the holiday's alone; not to be antisocial, but to truly get my mind, heart and soul in pace for what I've been telling God and myself I want. One thing that I decided to do was to wish my loved ones a happy and prosperous New Year, unfortunately one of the numbers I texted was not updated and a lovely exchange turned ugly very quickly.  I handled the situation as best as I could and apologized to those who were affected by such negative energy.  However for whatever reason; perhaps Mercury Retrograde, Saturn's positioning, etc., that's how my week has been.  I am not sure where or why this energy is coming to me other than the quote above by Bishop Jakes.  Because if those meme's and such are true and a person ONLY thinks on positive things, conduct themselves in a  positive manner and encourage others to do the same, how or why would that type of person be presented with the exact opposite?  

Interestingly enough I posted yesterday, first on twitter then on instagram a thought that popped into my mind as I was asking myself a similar question.  "I have the simplest goals for 2017; strange how those are the type that attract the most obstacles..."  I thought that while on the verge of tears after a few interactions followed by some reflection on those goals.  I had to ask myself if I were being unreasonable and the answer was "No".  As I've stated I will not share the more personal things, but one of my simple goals for 2017 is to be happy.  I'll go into that backstory another time.  Nevertheless how unreasonable or unrealistic for that matter is to desire happiness? Yet once I said it aloud and wrote it down it seemed as if so many things were attracted to me in an attempt to bring the complete opposite emotions.  True, we can not allow outside influences to affect our perspective or well-being, but we are still human and things will get under our skin.  I guess I am writing this as an attempt to encourage those who may be new or in a peculiar place in their journey and it seems like "I'm doing everything right, but things are still going wrong".  Or maybe for someone who may have experienced this phase of life to offer some type of encouragement as well.  I don't feel as if I know enough to really expound, but what I will say is, from my experience although some times life is rather unpleasant when I look back on what I've gone through and where I am today I can admit that some of those things happened to show me who/what I was dealing with and make a change.  Other times I was able to see myself from a different perspective and adjust my words and/or behavior.  In the end it truly does work out for your best interest.  Yes it may hurt, you may be sad or even unhappy; but those things don't last always and the destination is still worth the journey it takes even with detours and roadblocks.  

A few hours after my declaration for happiness I prayed and before I began to meditate and drift off to sleep I thought "I have a feeling, my next life will be the best one yet".

So I am encouraging myself and hopefully someone who can relate; although things may not go the way we may wish them to be with nothing but blue skies and rainbows, the rain is necessary and beneficial. Sometimes it just takes a bit more time, effort or energy to appreciate it.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Happy New Moon 🌑🖤✨

It seems 2016 and the "grim reaper" have truly showed their asses; although many are experiencing grief and other emotions I tend to be one of those people who choose to celebrate life as opposed to dwelling in mourning . I understand the concept, but I suppose I have my own way of dealing with it all. However most times I am able to find the comforting perspective of those souls transcending this realm and finding solace in the hereafter. 

One philosophy that helps (for me) is the idea which is the opposite of Murphy's Law which claims that "anything that can go wrong will go wrong"; better yet as Yhprum's Law (which is Murphy's law backwards 🙃) states that "anything that can go right will go right"; I also pair that in alignment with Pronoia which is the belief that "the Universe is conspiring in y(our) favor".  So as we embrace this New Moon and Mercury Retrograde let's choose to remember the wonderful contributions all those that we "lost" have brought into our lives/ the world and make a conscious effort to express kindness and love to those in our lives now. 

As the years and as of late, recent days have shown us, no one is promised tomorrow. so let's make every day a blessing not only to ourselves and our loved ones, but to include the world we live in; extending love and honor to ourselves and true communion with The Most  High; God. 

Happy New Moon 🌑🖤✨

The Moon, My Soul & Love- An Introduction

"You are the Soul of the Soul of the Universe and your name is Love." 

~ Rumi

As we find ourselves further into Mercury Retrograde in Capricorn, the New Moon in Capricorn and Capricorn Season. I find that I have been anticipating this cosmic cocktail of energy for a few months now.  As I deal with various conditions and circumstances as a result of my new life (with mental illness) I have noticed areas where I have grown spiritually; as well as personally. I find myself discovering a developing voice from within which has allowed me to truly hear and know what I need (body, mind, soul and/ or spirit).  As I reflect upon this year, a couple things stand out more than any other; one of which is that I spend a lot of time alone, often times in silence.  I am naturally introverted (blame my Capricorn Sun, Aquarius Moon and other aspects of my natal chart lmao), something about solitude and the quietness that comes along with it has brought about a special kind of peace that life with Anxiety Disorder requires. 


 The other thing that I made an effort to focus on was my commitment to Self Care and Self Love.  As I've accepted the diagnosis regarding my conditions it has become quite obvious the damage done by denying the reality of my situation.  Once I was able to be truly honest with myself I was able to admit that I was much "sicker" than I'd allow myself to show.  Once I began to understand some of the differences with how my life is now in comparison to how it once was.  I shared on a few of my photos on Instagram my emotions towards this time of the year; which seem to be a bit more overwhelming than usual, or maybe I'm just being hypersensitive(?).

One thing that seemed to have touched a nerve recently has been in alignment with a concept that I despise;  duality.  I haven't studied the philosophy in-depth seeing how I could only endure the most basic definition and it does not resonate with me on any level.  I suppose this is where my hypersensitivity comes into action, it appears from my observation society has gotten relentless in regards to conditioning the masses to obsess about finding, having and "keeping" romantic love (eros); adding to that the practices of hedonism and/ or ludus style love where everyone is a "savage" looking for the nearest "tunasub".  Sadly,  those are a few love styles which often result in one or more individuals getting caught up in mania (which never turns out positive or constructive).  Without over-sharing, I feel as if romance, playfulness, passion, etc. are all fine; when in their proper context.  However, sadly when imbalanced the concoction typically leaves a trail of despair, headache and heartache.

If you know me in real life or even if you've become familiar with my social media contributions, you may have noticed how often I refer to Self Love or Self Care not that I don't believe in "romantic love", it's just that I (as well as many of you) are aware that there are many other types of love that are equally important and require just as much nurturing, time and attention. Such as Pragma, Storge as well as (a form that I strive to exude which is) Agape.  As I've shared in many writing expressions over the years on various social media outlets and my previous blog; I've accepted this journey, figuring my Self out with mental health issues as well as striving towards Christ Consciousness; yet the human in me can be quite aloof and standoffish; finding comfort and safety in the introvert lifestyle (lol).  

Initially (bits and pieces of) this was a photo and caption for Instagram, but perhaps Mercury Retrograde or my sporadic desire to write and share aligned with the Universe to set up an opportunity for my first entry on the new blog. Nevertheless, I thought I'd share partly because Instagram refused to post the photo (above) with the caption I wanted.  This however was after a topic came up on Twitter regarding various aspects of love and relationships; along with the "campaigns" as one year comes to an end and a lot of focus in the atmosphere attempting it's annual "programming" of propaganda- "your true Love is waiting for you..." or the idea that we are supposed to spend the final days of the year analyzing past relationships and anxiously fantasying of the love awaiting us or some other belief that we must change or hide aspects of ourselves in order to fit into what society or popular culture deems acceptable. Without realizing it we'd be on an endless search for a "significant other".  While neglecting to become the best version of ourselves and allowing the Universal Laws to flourish (e.g.: The Law of Attraction).  So I suppose I felt the need to remind us all that regardless of our relationship status we are significant to/for ourselves in our own unique ways, and how we interact with our loved ones in addition to the energy we carry with us throughout the day.  So rather than spend energy seeking "relationship goals"  to covet we can shift our focus towards achieving our respective personal goals; while we strengthen and cherish all the Love that surrounds us daily. 

Moreover, let harness the energy from the New Moon and set our intentions on an enlightening, harmonious, prosperous 2017! A prayer that I will meditate on during this time is that we all strive to reach our greater and highest good; which collectively would bring so much divine love energy to the atmosphere and in some way bring us a bit closer to a humanity that shows love, care and concern for all living beings.

Blessings 🌑💗✨