destination- happiness

 "The pen writes, but the heart shapes the words." 

— Persian Proverb

In this moment I realize the events of the other day caused me to experience a multitude of emotions.  As the day begun, I already knew I had a workshop at my school, in preparation for Summer and Fall Semesters. Since I have anxiety challenges, I tend to check in with myself often; during those moments I am intentional with my prayers and meditation, as I prepared to arrive. For me, anxiety challenges also include social anxiety; as I got myself together for the drive I felt anxious and excited. As I drove, I shifted between prayer and meditation. My philosophy regarding such is that prayer is when I petition, ask, or request knowledge, wisdom, understanding, etc. from God; while meditation is when I listen for or recognize when God is talking to me. I've acknowledged an aspect within myself of having the desire to "control" everything; navigating in this experience I now recognize how that no longer aligns with the Woman I am becoming.  I've been listening to different streaming services more often than my go-to app. I chose to listen to my preferred app many Moons ago,  as a way to allow myself the space to tune into my vibe; especially while I'm driving with the responsibility of being authentic while managing anxiety in a social setting, I typically listen to one that allows for more guidance regarding the queue. So as I am driving various songs play [although I have the ability to "skip", I am unaware of what's to come]; nevertheless, the emotions range from anxious to inspired, creative, hopeful, with moments of grief, but overall "happy". Leading to the time of arrival, nervousness was present however, so was confidence and I began to feel calm. I arrived a little early however, still ended up being late; I felt my happy, excited mood begin to diminish. Thankfully, I was the second and last student to arrive, upon entry I was still welcomed, gained understanding, and was social.

I was prepared, left earlier than necessary, and even called before the drive to get proper directions to the workshop, as I am unfamiliar with the campus; as an online student. Realizing I was misguided, I had to pivot; resulting in hiking around campus to arrive at the correct location. At some point, I sensed something was going on with the Cosmos, as planets are in Retrograde [Mercury and Venus], there's a Solar Eclipse coming, and Saturn has begun its Ring- Plane Crossing. I have not had efficient time to deep dive into the meanings of all of that as I would like to yet the awareness of Astrology, Astronomy, Cosmology, and Tarot; keeps me in harmony with myself, allowing me to sustain my alignment with the Universe and God. As Astrology is still considered a "pseudo- science", I acknowledge the effects I experience as I've learned to understand the dance between them [Astrology, Astronomy, Cosmetology, Tarot, and the Universe]. As I left school, I had an added approach to my issues with Philosophy- Symbolic Logic, as well as the Statistics course I am anticipating in the Fall. Before heading home, I ran an errand which uprooted my plans for the remainder of the day; that's when frustration and confusion showed up. The events of my errand lead to another errand which turned my overall happy, fulfilling, and exciting day into something surprising and out of my control. In that moment, I said a prayer and by the time I posted a video on social media, I was overall proud of myself, for the way in which I handled the ambush of my feelings, emotions, and plans. 

I spent the next day in a rather unpleasant mood; I now interpret the umbrella shielding those other emotions was the familiar maladaptive coping mechanism of feeling helpless, therefore hopeless. I went to my dreams the night before in good spirits, in my conversation with God [prayer and meditation], I felt a sense of trust that God heard me and would intervene on my behalf; while understanding and acknowledging this as an opportunity for growth; leading me on my path as I am walking in the footsteps of my future self, as well as a chance to measure my growth pertaining to the topic in which the conflict resides. Although, this was just a day, or even less than 24 hours ago [longer as I complete this expression], I have already handled the situation differently than I have in the past. I did not "crash out", have an anxiety attack, or seek counsel from unqualified people; I said my prayers, meditated, then awoke with a plan to follow up with the calls I made prior as I navigated the moments of stress, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. With each interaction met with disadvantageous results, the feelings of helplessness re-entered the chat. I began to fear, then I remembered the conversation with God, and my social media message, then I had a thought of Saturn and it's "Ring-Plane Crossing", like, Retrogrades, all an illusion causing one thing to seem or appear as something else. With Retrogrades, the speed of the planet's rotation becomes so reduced that it appears to be moving backwards. Another element attributing to this illusion is the vantage point from Earth, which makes me think of the concept of perception. 

Quick story-time, in November 2005 I had a near fatal car accident; the cause- a drunk driver crashed into me; however, being transparent and accountable, the drunk driver would not have collided with my car had I not been there. Meaning, I was in that location, because my car ran out of gas and I was stranded on the side of the freeway, due to me neglecting to fill up throughout my "busy" day. Fast forward to present day, I believe everyone in my life is aware of that happenstance, so one particular person often admonishes me about having gas in my car; I believe they perceive me as an irresponsible person [I can only speculate based on observations of our conversations regarding certain topics]. Nevertheless, when they are a passenger in my car, they always mention a car wash and getting gas; it has begun to annoy me, until I thought to ask someone else a question for clarity. While driving my Mom, I asked "how does the fuel gauge appear from where you're sitting [the passenger side of the vehicle]?" Her reply was that "it appears empty"; I said "oh" and we continued toward our destination. From the vantage point of the passenger seat, it gives the illusion of another level, which can be interpreted as my "fuel is empty or low". However, from my perspective, coupled with the knowledge of the fact the fuel gauge is accurate and reading as it should. I have a clearer view of what's going on, where as someone else has unreliable information; this becomes a dimension of a pseudo-conflict with the ability to escalate, if mishandled. 

That came to mind as it relates to the Cosmos; to us on Earth, Saturn's Rings seem to "disappear" until November 2025 and various planets appear to orbit "backwards" as they are in Retrograde for specific time periods. I recently experienced a hardship effecting me for approximately six (6) months, in this moment I am faced with a circumstance which is eerily similar to the issue which was resolved recently. I say all that to say, as I was typing the words shared thus far, I realized that situation is an illusion as well, to water the seeds of doubt, fear, and limiting beliefs. Should I allow that to occur, I would be providing the "nourishment" for the things contrary to the desires growing within my mind and heart. As I am learning and striving to embody the discipline, determination, and varied characteristics necessary for the life I dream of; I understand this is not the time to doubt, it's the time to persevere. The last time I was in a situation similar to this, I had a "friend" who helped me through it, well we are no longer "friends"; so one limiting belief concerning uncertainty and fear was, the doubt that I could get through this without said "friend". One thing I love about my relationship with God is how thoughts of our conversations randomly come to mind, well maybe not randomly; as they are typically at the most consequential times. So as the thought of that person came to mind, and I began to question "who would be there for me as I go through this?", a brief thought came to mind and to be honest I don't recall what the thought was, because I did not allow it to finish before reminding myself "there is a reason you are no contact!" In addition to the reassurance I felt knowing God is with me and how everything along my journey is to prosper me [mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally, and physically]. 

Reminded of the understanding for my request of a "soft life", I must know my responsibilities as the co-Creator of said life; with God in the driver's seat. I should stay in my lane [so to speak] as the passenger, trusting that God not only knows the destination; God knows the directions to arrive safely and in divine timing. When I drive, I am usually alone; at times I'll provide transportation to someone and certain people simply can't seem to control their need to manipulate the power dynamic of the situation. Offering unsolicited advice regarding directions, although the gps is clearly displayed on the dashboard. Often depending on my mood, I'll either let it slide [once or twice] before correcting them; with the reality of my authority [or position], as the driver and owner of the vehicle; I also know where I'm going. As I assure myself of the call for rest. joy, and a creative expression was not a "waste" of the day; I find myself speaking with perfectionism. Allowing myself "permission" to take an intermission from studies and other nonessential obligations to do something I enjoy. And here we are...

As I prepare for my dreams with a "busy" day ahead, I have prepared for an on time arrival to all of my appointments and will prepare with prayer and meditation. Oh speaking of, I also have a therapy session; as I mentioned, I have not spoken about the specifics with anyone who isn't qualified to offer assistance or quality advice. I knew as things were unravelling that I would only speak to God and my therapist concerning my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and plan of action; while seeking guidance, advice, and/ or confirmation of the way in which I am approaching the situation. Recently, I've adopted a philosophy regarding sharing personal information and remembered the phrase of "on a need-to-know basis", as I find typically when venting we tend to overshare, in addition to that, the person we are venting to is typically a friend or family member. Although, they may love, care, and/or show concern; oftentimes they are not qualified to offer solutions, resources, guidance, or actionable advice. It simply becomes a negative spiral of oversharing disheartening or unpleasant experiences, while providing "intel" which can be used for gossip; which (in my opinion) is counter-productive. So, I've learned to take it to God, from there I feel guided with who to speak with for additional support or advocacy. 

One of my Aunt's and I have a unique relationship, as she messages me nearly each morning to share motivational, encouraging, and/or loving meme's. This week however, the messages were of encouragement and what I felt as confirmation in relation to conversations I've had with God. My Aunt, being unaware of the way in which my week began and progressed simply continued doing what she was already doing. So, the other day, after having challenges with various moods, along with brief encounters where doubt, disbelief, helplessness, and hopelessness attempted to overpower me; I opened my laptop to begin coursework when the morning message from my Aunt was awaiting my attention. I opened the text and it was something in reference to the scripture, Jeremiah 17:7-8, which reads in the NIV version:

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

I proceeded to read the entire chapter, took a breath, and called my Aunt. I inquired why she sent that particular message to me, as it is not her usual offering. Which lead to a conversation of her expressing how she feels lead to send certain messages to specific people, and that message was intended for me. I understood what she meant immediately; as I often have that experience as well, especially in my writing. I typically pray and set intentions ["Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable and pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my [firm, immovable] rock and my Redeemer." Psalms 19:14, AMP] before I begin writing; as my thoughts are organized, I meditate, envisioning strings connecting my consciousness, heart, and hands [specifically, my fingers] becoming intertwined to convey what my soul intends to share. I then shared with my Aunt a quote which I love, by Rumi; interestingly, I had shared the quote with a friend the day before, as I was speaking of my default depth of disclosure; as I feel the level in which I interact with others may be "a little too deep", as many engage in "small talk", gossip, topics of popular culture, and the like. While I may engage in small talk, I can only do so in small doses. The quote reads as follows:

" Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots."

I explained to my Aunt, that her messages were a sense of confirmation concerning my commitment to trust God, not only during this time of uncertainty, but throughout the remainder of my existence. I feel as if God not only heard my words, but felt the sincerity in my heart; as our rapport has evolved so much since the days of old [as I've mentioned before, in the expression: "My religion is love"].  In this moment I can admit to being proud of myself; Reading the expressions of my younger self, while dreaming of the things I desire to say to my higher self as I experience moments with my future self, the Woman in my dreams; speaks to me. I am finally in a space where I recognize my voice. Reading those experiences allowed me to truly embrace the Woman I've always dreamed of being. I recognize myself differently as well as the journey it took me to arrive at a space in God where I have a different awareness; and although as many others I find myself to be a nontraditional person navigating in a society that pressures us to be a specific way, according to their "norms", guidelines, and bias, To remain authentic, while managing all aspects of the human experience can feel exhausting and liberating simultaneously. That what I mean when I ponder the words of Rumi, I think of how deeply I experience myself while embodying the energy of my dreams. I feel connected to myself in a wonderful way as well as connected to God; even through unpleasant circumstances. My younger, less mature self handled things as society would suggest; which lead to the many things I had to, and am still processing, analyzing, evaluating, praying, and meditating concerning. 

I heard my mind ask my body, "how is your heart?"; and I felt my heart smile; as my soul inquired and felt a hug. . I was able to express my self in a creative way, in addition to spending time with the Moon, at the beach, as well as the gym. I feel as if I gave my younger self a hug while greeting my future self within my being. As I glance at the time I acknowledge I should devote some time, attention, and focus toward my studies, as I am doing well; however, I would love to do better, in a mindset of mastering the knowledge, as opposed to simply doing the work for a grade or perfectionism. As I am aware of the characteristics of certain traits of the Woman of my dreams. The me I was created to be. , I am also aware of myself [to my core], as I am a competitive person; I only complete with myself, to embody the characteristics that I feel are woven into my soul. Recognizing the co-creation aspect of my relationship with God from a different perspective; I had a lovely day, as I allowed myself to rest as well and simply enjoy the day. I was encouraged, encouraging, productive, social, and authentic; and it felt lovely. It feels good to share, as I was able to swim through some memories and outdated beliefs that I've outgrown, I am unsure how this expression will come together, but I am excited to see how it braids together...

Perimopause is nothing to underestimate, as the fog of cannabis smoke filled my brain, I recognized the awesomeness of God and I am truly beyond words at the love I feel to know that God is truly my best friend. The relationship with myself far outweighs any relationship. which is a reflection of God and the love we share. As I recall a few of my initial words I feel my being intertwined, as the words dance across the past. The movements are as if they were poetry, the way my body is allowing my heart and soul to express itself. An early morning calls my name and I must prepared again to be social, I must meet my dreams, after praying, setting intensions, and meditating; I awoke with many "tabs" open in my mind; thoughts of personal growth, shadow work prompts, and many other concepts I am working through, I recognized when my mind and brain began to organize those thoughts in a way of guidance to figure out my day. I realized some time ago, how important it is for me to balance creativity as well as structure. The way in which I embrace my creative expression, and experience is in understanding, accepting, and embracing; the unique combination of gifts, skills, talents, desires, etc. that comprise the authentic version of my interpretation of the presence of God guiding me through this human experience with the treasure map in the form of my dreams.

As my mind organized the tabs in my brain, I realized an aspect of the challenge I am experiencing with Philosophy- Symbolic Logic;  I figure the issue may stem from the way in which I reason, I often ask myself if I am "being reasonable"; I recognize my ability to "dream big" however, the seeds planted of various limiting beliefs, consisted of the notion that my dreams were unattainable, unrealistic, and/ or unreasonable. As I participate in "gardening" through shadow work as a form of self- care, with self- love, I tend to my soul; uprooting the seeds of doubt, disbelief, fear, anxiety, etc. replanting seeds of encouragement, confidence, perseverance, determination, love, etc. Understanding the sense of validation, accomplishment, pride, love- it's as if I have met myself at a depth that I only imagined was possible, I felt I have been given the opportunity to tend to the garden of my heart and mind. I feel as if I have unlocked a version of myself who knows the way to the next level of my dreams, as if she's been practicing the obstacle course I find myself in need of navigation for. Recently I revisited the "book" of Genesis in the Bible. I read it with a new vision and comprehension; the best I can explain it is I now feel a sense of being, created by God and chosen to tend to the "garden of Eden" [within- mind, body, soul, and spirit]. As I am finding balance with "in my bubble" I knew I needed to write creatively in an authentic space outside of academia. I am becoming more confident in my approach to my studies yet on the blogs, I am able to throw structure to the side [so to speak] and allow my being to translate the words of my soul. It becomes tricky at times, when switching the appropriate degree of authenticity for any given situation, through various circumstances; as my default depth is. focused on the roots; while many of the objectives from society speaks to remaining in the branches.

The other thing is the gumbo of thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions, ideas, concepts, and the like; have been flooding my head and heart for quite some time. As I am organizing them, I find myself missing Goddess Radio, curated through the app that is no longer in business [I suppose}. So the idea that I could go "live" on social media was exciting. Although it will not be structured as Goddess Radio was, it is still a fun, and creative outlet to express myself. Oh, back to Genesis; After the life events of the past couple of years, I recognized my very breath is powered by God, the appreciation I now have for each breath, and gift- of my senses; I do not take being alive lightly. Until this moment I've felt like I've been existing, with very few moments of truly living. After that stroke, I plead with God to allow me to see my 45th birthday. I also petitioned for the opportunity to make the necessary adjustments shift from existing to living. I feel as if I am on that journey. Stretching myself through the discomfort of unlearning habits which were based in fear and also, the discomfort and bravery it takes to embrace calmness, happiness, ease, joy, knowledge, etc.- [as society benefits when our central nervous system is out of whack, and we are unable to truly focus on communion with God and our community; we are fearful of every day living, keeping us "stuck" in the patterns of dysfunction (in my opinion)]. Nevertheless, I am choosing to persevere through the obstacles of life as I intend to reach the desired destination from my dreams; through various Universal Laws, as well as my relationship with God. Prioritizing the concept of God being a co-Creator for my unique human experience; planting desires within my heart and mind of goals to accomplish while I have the breath to do so...

I believe the ideas of a future are instilled within us as messages from God and should we choose to accept such a journey to actualize those dreams we will find our purpose and authentic self discovered by obtain them. Taking the necessary steps in order to achieve the goals we are striving for as the dream must be attainable, otherwise, why would we dream them? How could we visualize an unattainable destination? Unless, it is possible, reasonable, "realistic", and desirable to mature until success is exhibited through perseverance, determination, faith, and the necessary effort to reach the "finish-line". As I encourage myself, I encourage the collective to continue to dream big; shut out the "noise" of doubt and fear, and connect with our "higher self" and God to collaborate a path from the desire to completion. I wish for us all the strength to persevere and the love to do so at ease, according to the law of "the path of least resistance" Not in the metaphorical sense, but in the physical sense; as water flows in relation to the laws of rhythm, vibration, action, and gestation. Combining these laws in connection with a relationship with God, allows for us to flow with the energies, frequencies, and vibrations of our goals and dreams as a way to arrive safely, and in divine timing; rather than as salmon swimming upstream. Suggesting the need to "work hard" or "fighting" the current to tirelessly arrive at the destination, as opposed to pivoting when necessary to flow with the urges of our being to achieve the necessary milestones along the treasure map toward our goals, dreams, and desires.

Wishing us all a successful journey, embracing opportunities for growth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and love.

Until next time,

Kamille

hoodie season

As Spring quickly approaches, the rain created the need for hoodies, as the attire to weather the elements of the season. In addition, the many astronomical events happening during the month of March, has my emotions and thoughts in specific places within, activating the concept of healing the wounds experienced throughout this journey. In addition to participating in shadow work; with the intention of addressing inner- child wounds. I am aware, it has been a while since I've shared anything however, between my courses [particularly, Philosophy- Symbolic Logic, as well as the coursework expected for completion in my other courses], social media engagement, and practicing self-care, I have been unable to share on some platforms in contrast to others. As of this moment I have completed the necessary assignments due prior to enjoying time to rejuvenate during Spring Break. 

One of the activities scheduled a few weeks after Spring Break, is a visit to the Spa with the intention of enjoying a massage, as well as time in mud and mineral water. In an on-going commitment to health and well-being, some benefits of mud and mineral water, contribute to an improvement with skin health, muscle relaxation, pain relief, and reducing stress. I've recently experienced the effect of feelings interpreted as a regulated nervous system. I felt as if my body was released of anxiety in that moment, allowing me to incorporate additional wellness practices in an attempt to improve my physical health. Understanding the improvement with physical health, can also stimulate relaxation in regard to one's emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

After I completed my assignments, I began to turn my focus onto myself, beginning with calculating my budget for April 2025; with the intention of better financial decisions. Next up, I intend to incorporate time allotted for physical fitness, in the atmosphere of the gym at least three to four times this week; as I am using the break to focus on self- care, growth, healing, joy, and creative writing expressions. I have however, decided to dedicate some time for studying as well as preparing for the course scheduled to begin at the end of March. An area receiving attention and opportunities for growth, has been deconstructing perfectionism. As I have accepted the character traits contributing to the expression of perfectionism symptoms, I recognize when I am satisfied with the work I have completed, understanding that feeling provides a more sustainable source of validation and accomplishment. Alleviating the desire to overthink the completed project, while feeling fulfilled with the quality of work submitted for my assignments. Lastly, organized my calendar to reflect various appointments, errands, and scheduled activities.  

As I anticipate the coming of Spring, I am looking forward to the return of Madi and Maxi dresses, cute sandals, and pretty nail polish choices as a creative form of self- expression. Currently, OPI's "emflowered", is my color of choice, as Spring approaches and I am attracted to the hue of this creamy, bright pink. A couple other little-known observances would be "Brain Awareness Week [March 13- 19]" and "World Folktales & Fables Week [March 19- 25]", although I discovered them on a website which "celebrates everyday", these observations are not listed as they change annually; nevertheless, when I discovered them I added them to my calendar with the intention of acknowledging them. Another one of my favorites is, "National Weed Appreciation Day [March 28]"; although this day is to observe the acknowledgment of weeds such as dandelions and the like, I choose to acknowledge marijuana as a pre-420 celebration.

With 420 in mind, I have decided to indulge in a micro-dose of an [indica] cannabis- infused, pink lemonade gummy. As I watched the Sun rise, turning from night to day, I felt compelled to complete this expression before breakfast or returning to my dreams. Speaking of dreams, I have been so consumed with coursework of papers I've written and concepts learned have been the storyline of my dreams. I did wonder, "how would Freud interpret these dreams according to psychodynamic psychology?" I will admit, since this has been the occurrence the past few weeks, I have seen improvements within the results of my quizzes for Philosophy- Symbolic Logic.  So far my average on quizzes and tests have been in the range of 70- 79%, which is a C yet the discussion posts typically ranges from about 85- 100%. I spoke with my tutor prior to Spring Break, about my desire to pass the course with an 80- 100% of the grading scale. As I deconstruct perfectionism, I feel as if this is a reasonable goal; which falls in line with "s.m.a.r.t"[specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time- bound] goals.

On another note: I just got good news from my Doctor about the MRI I completed yesterday. She says everything looks “benign, showing post-treatment changes without any suspicious findings”. Confirming the results from the mammogram and ultrasound last month which suggested that the battle with breast cancer is completely gone 🥳

in my bubble

Happy New Year!

After the diagnosis of cancer in Fall 2023 and experiencing a stroke last Summer, my prayers have been different. My level of gratitude and thankfulness with each new day has been over the Moon! As the year came to an end I prayed regarding boundaries, intentions [mine as well as those around me], goals I have in my heart to manifest and my decision making skills [for the new year and beyond]. I know God heard me and has been speaking to me through my algorithm on various social media platforms, in song lyrics, and the Cosmos [astrology, astronomy, and numerology]. Sending messages of confirmation, encouragement, and enlightenment; casting light into the shadows of various situations; in addition, I am listening. When I tell you, we were barely 2 days into the new year when doors began to open, while some were closed, permanently. I can say with certainty that closed doors will not be revisited going forward, I recognized the change in the season and transition or should I say, transformation? When the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2025 I was one step closer to the woman in my dreams. 

The other day I realized I've decided to celebrate my birthday all 2025; after the past 2 years I wasn’t confident that I’d see 45, so I’m going to truly enjoy myself! In all my years of writing I've never disclosed my actual age; I believe the most I've done was hint vaguely concerning being a child in the 80's. One of the gifts I've given to myself for my birthday is getting closer to obtaining my degrees as I've decided to double major; in Psychology and Philosophy. When I learned I could add a few more courses to earn a degree in Philosophy, I committed to a desire placed in my heart by God. I am beginning to believe I have discovered my passion or perhaps it's a project, maybe an "assignment". It's still coming together in my head and my heart, so I am being patient with myself; allowing God to nurture the seed that has been planted in both places. 

I've come across a couple messages suggesting to "gate keep" myself; as some of you who have been around for some time may know, I am mindful of oversharing. From experience I've spoken about things I was working on or had in mind and became discouraged after sharing my thoughts with others or I've had to overcome additional obstacles from the [negative] energy being emitted from someone I've shared my ideas with. Acknowledging how long it's been since my last expression I realized the amount of rest and healing I've undergone during this time. I am in awe of how much God loves me, the other day while reflecting on a recent situation I heard my higher self say "God don't play about you". Those words resonated with me in such a way that I believed them instantly, leaving little room for doubt to creep in. For some time now I have been awake or aware of "sacred time", as some of you may know, that is pre-dawn [4 a.m. until 6 a.m.] where it is believed to be a powerful time to strengthen your rapport with God. It is also believed to be the ideal time for heightened intuition, clarity, meditation, prayer and/ or reflection. 

As I stared at my drafts and asked God to direct my words, I heard my higher self say "it's time to go into your bubble". I've mentioned in previous expressions how I have a shaky memory when it comes to my childhood, just remembering bits and pieces. One bit I recall is a nickname, "Bubble", I haven't been called that in many Moons' but it has come to mind on occasion. I don't recall what it meant to me in my youth however, I have reassigned that place within me to a sacred space. When I am in my bubble, the outside noise is drowned out and I am truly in alignment with my self and God. Hibernating in a sense, until the goals have manifested into reality and I have accomplished what I've set out to do. Once I learned of the dates in which I can submit for transfer and graduation, it all became unmistakable... Then the scripture, Philippians 1:6 [NLT] came to mind, stating "And I am certain that God, who has began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished..." Conversations over the years with my nail technician contained moments of her reminding me of self-care and not overexerting myself with the wants and needs of others at the expense of myself. The stroke last Summer allowed me to finally listen to the words I had heard in the past. 

As I prepare for Spring semester I recognize the need and desire to hibernate inside my bubble [until graduation or God says otherwise]. Focusing on my self [mind, body, soul, and spirit], my goals, dreams, and healing. The concept of not pouring from an "empty" cup comes to mind and I am renewing myself daily with no capacity to pour into others as I am not in my "overflow" season. As a Capricorn [Sun sign] I am aware of my ambition and drive to not only succeed, but to do very well while I'm at it. Last semester I achieved a gpa of 4.0 as I earned the grades of A+ in both of the courses attempted. When I returned to college Fall 2022, I earned an A+ in my course and went on throughout the semester's with mostly A's and a B; until the cancer diagnosis caused me to fail a final and receive the grade of a C. When I learned I'd need surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, etc. I chose to withdraw from my Spring courses with the promise to return in Fall. Then life happened and I thought I wouldn't be able to return until Spring; but God had other plans and I returned in Fall as originally arranged. It surely paid off, because I discovered a passion I wasn't expecting; a desire to help in a way that only God could have placed in my heart.

A day or two ago I noticed a dime, at the time I didn't think much of it; until I decided to make a coffee run and saw another dime. After placing my order for coffee and an adjustment of ten cents (a dime) was calculated to my total I was lead to Google the significance of seeing dimes. According to Google "... seeing dimes is often interpreted as a sign of guidance, support, or a message from a loved one who has passed away, signifying that they are near and watching over you; the number 10 on a dime representing completion, unity, and a cycle coming full circle, encouraging you to trust your intuition and pay attention to your current situation." There was also information regarding positive affirmation, intuition, awareness, completion, and unity. Suggesting seeing dimes represent a positive message of encouragement, being on the "right path", having heightened intuition or the end of a situation. I resonated with the ideas of confirmation of the completion of a situation [mentioned above concerning closed doors] and an introduction to my ancestors, angels, and spirit guides. All concepts I have shied away from in the past as I was not spiritually mature enough to accept I could trust my discernment to know when to engage and when to request the energy to be released. 

Speaking of releasing energy, I said a prayer around the new year to release any and all energy that does not belong to me; and to return my energy that has been syphoned from me. As I typed the previous sentence, a song played that I'd assigned to an ancestor a long time ago when she passed on. I didn't completely know why at the time, and it's still a little fuzzy; but at the time it began I would hear a particular song and believed she was sending me a message that she was okay and she'd pass along my prayers...

Sometime between retrieving coffee and returning home another scripture came to mind; Jeremiah 29: 11- 13 [NIV] reminding me "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." With the randomness of this morning's playlist a spiritual song plays, worshipping God when I thought to take a sip of my coffee only to having a thought of it being too hot, so I looked at the time, to my surprise it was the numbers reflecting the time of my birth. A time significant for obvious reasons, but the not so obvious reason is the interactions I'd have with my Dad. Certain numbers specific to my birth such as the month and day, he'd send me a text or call at that time [on the dot] to let me know he was thinking of me. I cherish my memories of him and I pray he is well wherever his soul has decided to journey to; I'm still unsure about death and the afterlife so I send well wishes and prayers rather than attempt the mental gymnastics it takes to understand the realms in which God dwells in.  

Back to my bubble; hibernation has begun and I am centering my self; not in the way society considers self-centered or pretentious, but from a space of self-awareness or being self-focused. The idea of separation enters the chat, realizing the recent heartbreak of a closed door; yet knowing that it was for my highest good and would eventually hinder me from my assignment or purpose. The experience of being treated with disrespect, inconsideration, hurtful actions, and an unwillingness to communicate one's honest and true feelings or thoughts revealed something I thought, but wasn't certain of. When I was reminded of God's plans being without harm, I thought the heartbreak will heal and I will have grown from the experience [the positive aspects as well as the unprovoked treatment in the end]. One thing for sure and two things for certain, no one can pretend to be someone they aren't for very long. True colors always shine through; it's up to us to recognize red flags and believe what we see without rose colored glasses. Also, acknowledging my growth as the old me would have closed my heart with the door and vowed not to let anyone else get close to me as a way of "protecting" my heart.    

Showing my heart is a part of what makes me beautiful. For some, beauty is having no flaws; on the other hand I've learned to except and embrace my imperfections, while some will see my gifts and place me on a pedestal only to nitpick said imperfections to "expose" why I shouldn't be placed in the position they assigned. It's the nasty work of narcissism on some level, the eagerness to "humble" someone while coveting their possessions and/ or abilities is weird. Growth allows me to recognize weirdness and leave it right where it is; understanding when people are determined to trigger a reaction it is best to remove yourself from the equation without giving the satisfaction of being pulled out of character. So in my bubble I will remain, for the forseeable future; focused on the woman I am becoming while asking my higher self as I face what's to come "is this in alignment with the future I am co-creating?". If the answer is "no" I know to leave it where it stands and pivot towards my goals. Understanding the saying "God's redirection is not rejection", we are all unique and so is our individual journey; with God's direction the map of our journey is made clear, as Rumi says “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” which brings me full circle to my last expression in October 2024.  

Reflecting on "transparency: here again" I am reminded of my 17 year old self, beginning college as a Psychology major and here I am, all these years later combining my love of Psychology and Philosophy with a team of support and resources to succeed. In addition to a crucial factor I was unaware of all those years ago, my "why?" It is understood that knowing why you are doing something provides clarity of purpose, motivates action, increases engagement, helps you make informed decisions, and allows you to stay focused on what truly matters, especially when facing challenges or obstacles. Essentially, knowing your "why" acts as a guiding compass to navigate your actions and choices effectively. With this knowledge and understanding, I was able to feel my purpose in a way I had never felt before. Understanding the desire to counsel others is not simply something I'm good at, but possibly a part of why I was created and given various experiences resulting in wisdom concerning many things... 

Night has turned to day and the song playing reminds me to remain close to my dreams as a thought of a nap fills my mind and I am choosing to listen.

 

transparency: here again

I've sat in front of a blank screen for hours; with random thoughts running through my mind while the music plays and the smoke fills the air. I took a detour down "memory lane" reading older expressions from this blog as well as the other. A few days ago when I initially thought of writing the thought of being transparent came to mind, after completing this weeks tasks and rescheduling appointments I had time to search my blogs for the use of the word "transparency" and was happily surprised with the results of what I've shared on the topic. After making minor changes to the blogs these words appeared on the page with no known direction of where this expression is going. Many observations have occurred since my last expression on the blog, my Dad's birthday along with the fact I registered for a couple courses for the Fall semester [I was preparing to return next school year, then boredom happened]. I find myself a bit distracted as I attempt to quiet myself to find the words to share. 

While on the train of thought of transparency I read a quote from the expression "Transparency: A Journey" stating:

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

Since returning to college I have taken a closer look at the future I am creating and finding the next path within higher learning to achieve my goal. I am about 1/3 of the way to that chapter, leaving much time to plan, coordinate, and dream. While the thought of transferring to complete my undergraduate goals I feel as if I should begin applying in the very near future. The thought of such is a bit intimidating, in the sense of the anxiety that comes to mind with making life altering decisions. Choosing to see this next step as brave and courageous as I am chasing the life I want. Interestingly enough I am remembering my teenage self when I initially began college and chose Psychology as my major; many Moons passed and upon returning to college I again chose Psychology as my major until this last time choosing English. I admit when doing so my only objective was to become a better writer for the blogs and the book- not thinking of choosing a career path or that it was an option. With the return to therapy I decided to return to my passion in the realm of knowledge and becoming. I've always had a passion for Psychology and Philosophy; to learn of the interworking of the mind mixed with the metaphysical aspects of the soul and how it chooses to express itself.   

The house is quiet allowing me to revisit some thoughts I've had regarding the career path I am deciding on and what I want my life to look like in the coming years; as I approach a milestone age. Thinking heavily about the next 5 years and where I see myself at that time, entering grad school; which is the plan thus far. I only pray my health allows me to accomplish the milestones it will take to get there. Without feeling sadness when the topic of death or dying entered the conversation, simply acknowledging my current reality with the ailments and conditions I face in this lifetime. I am currently taking a course on Gerontology in relation to aging and the life course. This week part of an assignment was to complete a "life expectancy" calculator, doing so made me think of myself through the years to come, how I'd like to look and what I would like to achieve. The idea of being healthy and thriving with far less challenges than I find myself with these days. The idea that I've come full circle with the 17 year old young woman I once was. 

Being in college as a Psychology major and doing well was far from my reach at that time, life was coming at me fast around that time; no longer dealing with little girl issues; the late teenage/ young adult years of my life were tough- to say the least. By 19 I was with child and left behind the goals of completing college and beginning a career of my choosing. Many avenues and career paths have come and gone in these years yet here I am a bit wiser from experience as well as the challenges of life provoking bravery, courage, and the creative ability to weave these new goals into the fabric of where I find myself today seamlessly. The transition has seemed to flow effortlessly, with the necessary resources to aid with reaching each goal. In the years past I chose Psychology as my major yet I had no direction of where I wanted to go with that degree or how I'd get there. Thankfully I chose courses which were necessary for such major; so that time was not a complete waste where I'd be truly starting from scratch.

The idea of being "here again" comes to mind, although I am a bit further along than I was all those years ago in college, I feel as if I am at that fork in the road of completing college and diving into a career I love; while managing said ailments and conditions. I used the expression "fork in the road" yet as I think of the other path nothing came to mind. A knowing that the path I've chosen is the only path for me is refreshing, allowing me to ask if I've found my purpose? Perhaps there is no fork just yet, seeing how I know the path in my heart through a particular aspect of the goal. The part I have yet to discover would be the "job title" of my desires; I believe I have an idea, but I am not 100% certain that is the right path for me. While there are many factors in deciding on such I have not fully found what I absolutely want to do. However, I do know how I want to feel and some things I'd like to see; like homeownership, experiencing travel to new destinations and milestones with loved ones. 

It's as if I have another opportunity to make the desires of that 17 year old young lady come true. With the wisdom of life experience and a better understanding of the person I see as my "higher self" blooming into being. I feel closer to being her than I did all those years ago when I first began the blogs and social media to express myself in what I categorize as my creative self. The thought of sleep enters my mind and I feel as if I should listen to the desire to dream for my younger self. In this moment I believe I know the way through that fork and what's the next path as far as a career choice. I'd rather not reveal the full plan at this time out of privacy for my future self. I even had a thought or a vision of myself as a published author, book in hand and a smile on my face. The idea of dreams coming true being possible and the belief that it is =[possible] makes me recognize my own growth and how some perspectives have changed over the years. As the Sun begins to rise I realize a dream is exactly what I'd like right now.

Until next time...

it all comes in waves

Nina Simone, a good hybrid, and a Sunday morning; all that's missing is the setting. Home or the beach? or a hike? As she declares "here comes the Sun" I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be as the mood is tranquil and quiet. I took a detour from writing to refresh my nails for today's outing of errands and quality time with loved ones. It doesn't seem like the first day of Autumn, perhaps during the day, but you feel the chill in the air in the evening and night.  As I think of the days to come I remind myself to bring the Fall wardrobe to the forefront as the days begin to feel like the evening. The sounds of Aretha Franklin, Sarah Vaughan, and Dionne Warwick adds to the feelings I am experiencing, feeling empowered from knowledge of the energy that I intend to create for myself in the season that is upon us.

Anxiety is ever-present however, I am choosing to ignore it for the time being. Using techniques learned throughout the many years of therapy I am calm and eager to get my day started. I'm not good with being patient, suddenly I feel as if I'm in a scene from my personalized "Groundhog Day" with a song playing multiple times throughout the playlist, so much so that I had to contemplate if I wanted to hear it again. Then I thought how it brings me back to the writing after the music had me drifting off into thoughts and feelings. Shifting through the mixture of thought, feelings, emotions, beliefs and the like; I don't quite recognize as I feel as if something may have shifted as time went from night to day. 

Monday evening and it's been a busy day, the atmosphere is noisy and a bit unpleasant so I've smoked and turned the music up kind of loud. I ate peanut butter and now eczema has entered the conversation. Worse than the itch is the tickle, I'm extremely ticklish and it is so embarrassing at times; such as in front of a cute doctor. That happened last week, I played it off well although I wish it had never happened. Quite a few appointments this week and I'm already tired. Due to the temporary vision impairment I have chosen not to drive at night, unfortunately I've smoked the last of the joints I had so it's either drive in the dark or wait until morning. Of course, I'm waiting until morning; so I have to find a good dispensary that opens in the early morning hours since I am leaving at a specific time to make my appointment. 

Oh, I forgot to mention; I took an assessment a few days ago and to my surprise the results stated I should be a writer. I found that interesting as the questions were multiple choice and the inside of my heart was shown. I suppose I had found the commitment to writing I thought I needed to recognize the meaning of writing, for me. It's Tuesday morning and I noticed I have been doing the therapy assignment without even realizing, as I've been writing daily even if it's a small amount that makes it to the page. It's still a bit early so I'm attempting to create the mood for the day seeing how it's a little light as I only have one appointment today then I can find something fun to do. Maybe take a trip to the beach since it's been so long since I've been there. 

After the nap and dinner it was too late to visit the beach, so I suppose that'll be an adventure for tomorrow. The great news of today is that my vision is improving with each day and I am ecstatic about that! As I was trying to find my way back to vision without impairment I found myself depressed by the words of the initial doctor, I was asked for a survey yet I declined; there's no point in saying how dissatisfied I was with the service of the doctor while the nurses [who were amazing] get little to no recognition. It's been a little over a month and to see so much progress is nothing short of a miracle. Seeing how the doctor said my vision would be permanently impaired and I am glad so say no one else shared his opinion neither has that been the case. 

As I await an inspiration for a title as well as a direction for this expression the music is sending me on an adventure where I feel as if I should be in motion; either in a dance or exercise. The room is quiet and the scents of reefer fill the room, it's intense and thick, just how I like it. The happenings within the Cosmos has my energy a little all over the place. I begin to think of how I am glad days are going by within the writing as opposed to months or years even. It's "hump day" in the early morning and I am feeling a bit restless; it's too early to do much of anything, but I'm tired of sleeping. There was a point in time where I wanted to sleep this life away; praying to wake up in a higher frequency or a different dimension. Longing for a life not built on survival, but love, knowledge, and abundance [or things along that nature].

To live a life so different from the life of your dreams can feel exhausting; it's as if you're striving for a space in this life that you cannot seem to reach. As time goes by turning from days to years I aspire to be closer to my dreams yet to no avail. I worked on the book this morning and I find it coming along well, I was a bit intimidated before today and I am unsure why. I suppose thinking of what happens next is what did it, perhaps it's time to revamp those dreams however, it's believed that one should "dream big" but what about the little dreams? The dreams of tolerable conditions, having certain hardships and looking for a way to improve various situations at once is also exhausting. Juggling physical health issues, mental health issues while living life as well as planning for an unsure future. 

This may be the second time I've had to re-evaluate my dreams and access how "realistic" they were, only to have the same dreams; I feel it is my passion to live this life yet I have yet to achieve them so far. Then I think, what is realistic? Great things happen for people every day; why wouldn't I be worthy of those same or better blessings? Living to survive is not a life, finding myself desiring a life that's focused on the betterment of myself as well as my environment. Today was the first time I thought about the betterment of my environment; usually my surroundings are a bit further from the city. These past couple of years in the city I grew up in has brought about certain thoughts of discovering the memories of things I've forgotten. It's like boxes in the attic or basement- some storage area; where the dust has settled and memories are held in a time capsule. 

Reminicing over pictures and funnily enough, my hair is now the same style and texture as it was when I was a baby. I text my beautician to consult on a way to style and grow it evenly as it continues to grow out. Season's are changing and all I can think about is my next birth date and what I would like to be doing, I have yet to settle on a plan. I thought perhaps I'd get a notebook of sorts and jot thoughts or ideas of how I would like the future to look and feel. I skimmed an article about a woman who married herself and was requesting a divorce. I found that fascinating, only because this journey I find myself on I feel married to myself, in the sense of being my sole provider of happiness, survival, and all that those entail. However, the thought to quit on myself was never an option; as if you could seriously divorce yourself. Maybe on paper, but in the grand scheme of things we're all stuck with ourselves.  

So the goal for now is to be healthier as in the betterment of my physical health and fitness. Now that my vision is improving I am intending to begin the gym in the next couple of months. I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist as well as my therapist tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to both appointments. I have yet to make it to the beach, but I intend to go there soon; except for the weekend due to there being too many people there during the day and I am unable to drive at night. for now. At times I think I may be feeling as if I want things to be idealistic as opposed to the reality of the way things are. I suppose that's where I've gotten stuck, are things supposed to be realistic or idealistic? 

2 Moons

“She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the moon, but it must be a strong one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane.”

Paulo Coelho

It's after 2 am and sleep is no where in sight, I figure I'd put the fingers to the keyboard and see what comes of it. Today is a "big" day as I have an appointment with a specialist for my vision issue and I am hopeful to learn what exercise or methods will be discussed for healing. Although I know there are more test to be done, I am seeing progress with my vision in my daily routine of things. I am attempting to condition myself to smoke less refeer when I'm writing as at times it holds me back from the train of thought. Prior to typing those words I had a thought to light this joint that I feel staring at me from aside the laptop. Finding blindspots in my self are a bit scary at times, to know there is something there and you can't see it due to some impairment is something I am ready to say that experience is over. Then I remember why I'm smoking and I drift off to something else.

Another distracting device would have to be my cellphone, at times when I want to share something a little deeper than usual I find myself picking up my phone and scrolling or doing something that takes my mind away from the thoughts being formulated in my mind. I'm working on that; I want to get to a place in my writing where I don't type five or six paragraphs before finding my point of the expression. I would rather not smoke the joint because my desire is to be asleep soon, I dislike smoking just to fall into my dreams; it feels like a "waste" because aside from the adventure in those dreams nothing more is being created. Or perhaps that's the beauty of having elevated dreams?

Joint will be saved for my "wake & bake" session at a later time of the morning and I am going to retire into my dreams...

A day or 2 have gone by and I found myself scrolling rather than diving into my heart to gather the words to share. I've been faced with a hell of a lot of challenges in the past 15 years and now I have a better understanding as to why. These retrogrades can really change the trajectory of one's life. For example: a car accident or manic episodes of a mental illness. Perhaps intuition is influenced by the happenings of the Cosmos? When I read of Pluto leaving the sign of Capricorn [my Sun sign] after 15 years makes a lot of sense when it comes to the challenges I've faced within that span of time. I've been saying I'd take this time to view things as a rebirth and this seems like the perfect time to do that, create an era of romanticized experiences from this point until the next. 

With the Super Full Moon and her effects in addition to Pluto's transit, I feel as if there is a recipe for success and I am gathering the ingredients. Leaning into my intuition as opposed to attempting to dissect the meaning of everything rather than having the vision to see what the story is telling.  That goes back to when I mentioned being more intentional with this life in a previous expression. Going into the final quarter of 2024 causes me to prepare for 2025 with hopes of an abundance of betterment, in every aspect. I was fascinated when I learned for a brief time Earth will have "2 Moons" until I was disappointed to find that it is an astroid that can't be seen on Earth [if I'm not mistaken]. 

I've been reading notes and expressions from the past and I am astonished by the words I shared, even moreso by the words I kept private. Which brings me to the subject of the latest "homework" from therapy; keep a journal for 21 days writing what comes to mind for that day even if it's brief. I have yet to write anything for that, I don't know how it slipped my mind. Nevertheless I found it interesting that she'd suggest to keep a journal after speaking of beginning a private blog and in alignment with things I've been sharing with you all. Someone mentioned the book a day or 2 ago and I was reminded to take a look at the progress to see the direction I'd like to go in. 

The thought of beginning again comes to mind, then I ask myself "is that a stall tactic keeping me from completing the book?" The idea of beginning a new book from another perspective comes to mind so I think to put that in my notes even though I have not figured out what perspective it is. The idea of having a handwritten journal dedicated to the next 21 days and actually doing things worthy of mention. There's so many things I want to do now, before I was always waiting for all the stars to align for everything as if there isn't a concept of "do it anyway". With the exception of illness, the obstacles in the way of that vacation or adventure can be worked out to create a life of happiness. It took me getting ill to recognize the times in my life that I did not go on the vacation because I felt like my career was more important than relaxation. In those days I thought so many different things that I no longer view as such. 

Had I taken chances in my relationships perhaps that would look different as well. The things I know now and am able to connect together for understanding. I suppose I don't need to be so rigid in thinking I must have a specific journal for my private thoughts seems a bit unnecessary in this moment. I intend to sit and reflect on the days since 2008; the set up for anxiety disorder and it's friends... However, that's a story for another day.

There are some things I regret from those years, but for the most part I made the best decisions based on the information I had at the time. I feel as if that's reasonable, because how do you know you don't know, until you know? Once you know, the situation typically has been decided upon and either it was beneficial or unfortunate based upon the outcome. The thing is, sometimes the outcome doesn't manifest until many years later; I've experienced that a few times. The steps leading me to these illnesses I don't know what's on the other side of these challenges, but I look forward to finding out. I feel as if I am coming out of a fog, where the things of the past no longer matter as I am in the now creating a future of my dreams. 

In my mind I thought to rewind my memories to see where I stumbled off the path or took a misstep and I think of smoking and how I began smoking cigars then cigarettes; it was out of necessity. There was stress based on a few factors such as the career I refused to take a break from causing a mental health break down resulting in the discovery of anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. Then you have psychosis from disorders presenting as manic while smoking sativa religiously. The recipe for disaster, well the inhale and exhale of the cigar created a false sense of relaxation. for me. It was as if smoking offered a sense of relief although it may have done more harm than good. These days I no longer smoke cigars or cigarettes, but I want to. Smoking hybrid has a different effect than sativa, more mellow and at times introspective as it blends the cerebral and spiritual aspects of the cannabis to the forefront of my being.  

Another day has come and gone, after 2 am again and the music and refeer are both loud. It's funny I've been saying "vibe" when referring to the atmosphere from my thoughts, the music, the strain choice, and the feelings. Sparks fire within my brain and I think of how I don't use that word in real life. Then again my memory is bad so maybe I have and don't remember?  The more I see progress with this vision issue I can find ways to be grateful and thankful in the sense of how my body finally has my attention and I am willing to make more changes to my lifestyle. As I age I feel as if I am embracing my idea of a hippie lifestyle, I want to look and feel my best now that I have the wisdom and desire to live a life I've dreamt of.

As the night turns to day I am in a space where I truly desire to exercise and reach some goals I've made for myself. The trouble seems to be motivation to do it alone. I had another set of scans yesterday and I am still feeling the effects of the contrast. After seeing the specialist I felt even more hopeful with the healing of my vision until I learned that the next phase of this process has a 4 month wait. I intend to make some calls Monday, hopefully I can get a closer date and have the tools I need to begin the next era of my journey. The idea of my birth date being in approximately 4 months makes me think of my mortality and what the next life has for me. I pray to keep the knowledge I have now in an attempt to avoid various mishaps in this lifetime. 

I guess this 2nd Moon coming is in a blindspot and simply because we can't see her doesn't mean she's not there doing her magic to make dreams come true. My relationship with the Moon seems to be one of the most intimate relationships I have. The concept of God and creation comes to mind and how miraculous creation is. I read recently a saying that miracles are when prayers are answered; I resonated with that because I've always considered prayer as talking to God while meditation is listening for God, but I never considered God answers thus "a miracle". I'm looking for a few miracles these days. finally understanding the concept of "blood, sweat and tears." as I've given them all through this battle with my life as it currently is. I try not to go the route of entitlement speaking of what I believe I deserve rather being in the approach of desiring the things of my heart for sentimental reasons. 

Like, I look forward to aging on my front porch with a cocktail, some reefer, Rocko and a good friend having random conversations or sitting in a comfortable silence. The idea of growing old makes my heart smile like never before. With the exception of of a few major things, life is good. Good in the sense of not wanting to end here, I feel like I have more living to do. As 420 is exactly an hour away I began to debate if I should lit another joint or return to my dreams? 

paint them all

Feeling the effects of the Super Full Moon approaching; and seemingly in alignment with the principle of this time, as I have been writing about intuition, manifestation, dreams, etc. seeing how it is synchronized within my being. In the mood for exercise, when I speak with my physician I'll have that discussion, until then I think I'll relax and keep my attention on healing [physically as well as spiritually]. Emotionally, I am in a space where I may be able to distinguish the thoughts and feelings to share with you all and those that should remain private. It came to me suddenly as I as writing this expression. As I began to battle within about a decision so simple, as a matter of a location and if I am obligated to invite someone or if I can enjoy it alone? The word choice of obligation is interesting as it suggests I am responsible for anyone other than myself [and Rocko].

For sake of showing my age, I am an "empty nester", so who other than my emotional support animal am I responsible for? The origin of these thoughts showed up in therapy last week, thinking how guilt consumes me when I put myself first. I won't go any deeper into that however, I will say that is something boundaries can resolve; I believe. As [technically] an only child with one child I find the memories of my youth being called selfish or some other concept without context that inferred something being "wrong" with putting oneself first and to be selfless at all points. Which [along with other factors] leads to a stroke and other ailments while in my mid-40's. 

It's unfortunate it took all of this to catch my attention; causing me to slow down long enough to allow my body to hear the screams coming from within. I am thankful to have caught the cancer very early on as well as having a very minor stroke; both could have been much further along seeing how I'd been so "busy" I was neglecting certain things within. I am grateful for another chance of reaching my dreams, knowing the "testimony" of others who have experienced similar circumstances and bouncing back better than before in a lot of cases gives me inspiration. The idea of writing my testimony in real time comes to mind, as if we are all waiting for the plot twist and the win's to begin. 

Recognizing the tension in my body and wondering how I got this way; so uptight and unable to relax. I remember when it began, shortly before the anxiety attack in 2012, it built up to a point it created such tension that I exploded so to speak. I do not wish to find that space again, so I am attempting to manage it and allow it to release into some other energy. I want to go to the beach and put my feet in the water, unfortunately Southern California beaches are not the place for such. 

I think I'm bored.  

I learned this time with the Super Full Moon and other placements within the solar system the time suggests for karmic balance. The thing is, I don't quite believe in karma; although I understand that none of us are perfect at time it seems as if karma can be too harsh on some and too lenient on others in my opinion. As if there isn't much balance in it to begin with; I figure the "time should represent the 'crime'" so to speak. But it comes across as unfair. Favoring some while really punishing others. I don't like the idea of karma and its haphazard way of discipline. 

The song says "ooh, hey/ I'm trying to decide/ which way to go/think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere" as Erykah Badu sings of decisions and alternate endings from my interpretation. I feel that in my soul, as it is again in alignment with my subject matter as of late. I've been thinking a lot about dreams and where I'd like to see myself in the near as well as distant future. Aside from being alive, I want to be living; not simply existing. I desire my quality of life to be gentle and kind, surrounded by love.   

A month post- stroke, and not the good kind; I feel as if I have entered a new era of my life. An era of boundaries, true self- care and self-love; not just the words but the actions as well. I desire to shed more pounds while toning up and becoming more shapely. I desire for my hair to continue growing thick, long and healthy as it once was. Along with other mini goals about the physical that come to mind. Financially, I want to do more of what I've begun; taking my finances to a higher level. Emotionally, I desire to pour out my heart in therapy and shuffle through what's there; healing the Kamille who needs more love. Spiritually, I desire to be closer and more understanding of my Creator. Like the song declares, "a closer walk with thee" or the poem "footprints" as through the hardest times God carries us rather than us walking alone.

I had to remember that some time ago, realizing although physically it may seem as if I am alone, God has been with me every step of the way; encouraging me to continue. I feel as if I have yet to fulfill my purpose therefore how can I leave? I made sure to gather some information in regard to life insurance and what I currently have with the exception of a few changes. I am somewhat pleased yet the advance directive still needs some blanks filled in. 

There was a time I had no interest in the things I find interesting, I know that is a symptom of depression. I am now in a space where I am finding interest in those things again, just in time for some major shake up's in the Cosmos. Scrolling Instagram I see a tarot spread for the Full Moon that caused me to stop scrolling briefly; the question was "what am I trying to 'escape'?" and I thought of that as I had daydreams about relaxing on a tropical beach with my friend, a cocktail, a book or journal and my thoughts. Thinking perhaps I am attempting to escape my hidden feelings, thoughts and emotions. The ones that play in the subconscious and show up in certain behaviors unexpectedly.

Another question asked was "what hidden emotions are being illuminated right now?" I read that after writing the above thoughts. The emotion that comes to mind is loneliness, I feel isolated although at times I am surrounded by people. Interestingly enough the song that's playing is titled "Solitude" by The Red Garland Quintet, putting me in a space of freedom. The freedom to rest or embrace what I am feeling and how it is manifesting. It's not quite the attitude of being alone per se, but more of a feeling from within. 

Blue nails and a colorful dress is the attire of the day, honoring the final days of Summer; with Autumn soon approaching I want to begin with more season appropriate colors. I had to wear a sweater this evening to put it into context, California Fall is beautiful in its own way; surprisingly feeling like Spring from time to time. Debating on this next joint, to my surprise this random hybrid strain is doing what I wanted it to do; make me feel relaxed and uplifted. Feeling encouraged to stay until the job is done or the goals have been reached. 

The idea of writing goals comes to mind and I realize I wrote a few above, another idea was to beginning the book for real this time. The idea of where to begin comes to mind and I think should I begin with a deadline in mind may be the way to go. The music is random and the vibe I have feels a bit of scattered energy with sprinkles of another feeling I don't quite understand. Looking at a list of emotions, the word enchanted stuck out the most and as my lover and I text I discover the reason I resonated with that more than anything else...

If you're familiar with my other blog you are aware of my feelings toward vulnerability. The thought of the level of vulnerability I have expressed within these past few expressions make me proud of the growth. Finally found the space where the negative, overly critical voices of people I know are no longer stopping me from writing my truth. The limiting beliefs that have been around since childhood; the highly critical parents, teachers, friends, etc. Hearing their voice when you are about to step out on a ledge toward something new, different, or loving. 

I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow, I completed the assignment and I feel good about that. So much so that it inspired me to complete this expression that began about a week ago. I lit the joint; in what I like to call "my hippie space" where I feel heavy yet as if I could float away at any moment. I keep putting the joint out as I am pacing my self as I feel as if I am reaching in the direction of my higher self. Awaiting the day that she and I are truly one. Curious to know why the thought that I am not already her surprises me as I realize inward I am her; I suppose I am simply looking forward to when that is expressed on the outside.

My friend and I share pictures often and after sharing baby through adolescent phones we noticed how at times I show the same facial expressions or how my style is somewhat the same with the bracelets and polka dots. With the exception of the weight I guess that could be true; it's just the way I see myself and the way I am seen differs leaving me to realize that in some ways that should change. The way I view myself and the areas in myself where the esteem isn't as "high" as other areas. That however is for the moderate or long term when it comes to goals, right now I am thinking of taking it piece by piece until I understand it's roots and heal the whole branch [so to speak]. 

How do you measure beauty? Based on the past or the here and now? I was very pretty in my standard of beauty until I gained weight, but now that the pounds are shedding I have to reimagine what beautiful or pretty is. At this big age I have to see the beauty in myself in order for someone outside of myself to do the same. The quote goes "people can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves", meaning how can I desire to reach a depth with my lover or friends and family that I have yet to experience for myself? My desire is to get to a depth of vulnerability with myself that I have been afraid to allow space for thus far. My referral is for quite a bit of sessions as it has been a while since I've been in therapy; another thing I am looking forward to; unpacking the memories I have and truly letting go of the ones I've forgotten. 

My nails match my dress and I feel very "girly" and Summer-y even though it is now night and the Full Moon is on display. The Sun truly played a part in my enjoyment today which is rare for me as I feel as if it may betray my love for the Moon; knowing deep within that it doesn't. The idea to repaint my nails comes to mind and I think this time I must paint them all and not just on my hands. The excuse to way I never polish my own nails is because my boobs and belly prohibited me from reaching and doing a good job when in actuality I just prefer being pampered. I feel as if I should do more of that, pampering myself and really recognizing all of the areas and ways I've neglected myself and do a better job at spreading love from within.