closed for maintenance

I thought I had healed my brokenheart; that is until a conversation happened which punctured the wound. I realize that if I think of someone each day and not speak to them there's something odd about that. I wrote about it time and time again, this time hoping to gain some insight as to why things are the way they are. I realize I am not in the right emotional space to say the things my heart wants me to, yet I can not seem to shake this feeling of love; although distorted. I wrote recently about being open to a new love if one should show up, however I had to ask myself how will I notice a new lover when I'm stuck on a previous one? I thought I had healed, but in reality I was muffling the aches of desire that I feel for someone who I haven't spoken to in some time. I'd like to think on days like today that I am over it all... the heartache, heartbreak and feeling of longing; but it seems in that conversation I was unable to hide my true feelings and it was called out so effortlessly. As the energy moves into a new dimension I believe our psychic abilities have become stronger as well; so when she knew details that I hadn't shared I knew the information was coming straight from the Ether. Based on how the conversation started I had no idea it would be a rollercoaster of emotions on my part leading to a discussion regarding intimacy; a subject I've mentioned on the blogs from time to time, as I've shared before I am a bit afraid of intimacy. 

I feel sensitive to the thought or perhaps the idea of someone knowing me so closely; I am a private person, even at times surprising myself with the level of sharing I am able to do with you all. I suppose because you don't really know me it's easier to share my thoughts on my own terms and keep parts to myself and you'd never know. However in real life, I'd feel naked allowing someone to know me on such a personal level. I am not sure how or even if I want to overcome this issue, interestingly enough I was diving into the depths of my issues with my previous therapist when due to a change in my insurance I was forced to discontinue our sessions; right when we were about to discuss intimacy. I've set intentions that my new therapist and I will be able to pick up where she and I had left off. With that being said I guess that answers my question regarding whether or not I wanted to overcome the issue and allow myself the option to be intimate or not. I really thought I was ready for a lover; someone to stimulate my mind, body and soul if possible, but how could I be ready for a new when I am stuck on an old? I know the saying is something about if you want to get over an old lover to replace him/her with a new one, but if you were truly in love how could you even entertain someone else? I ask myself that as I realize a few mistakes I've made in the past and wonder if the pain of them was better or worse than facing my fear of rejection and possible humiliation in order to speak my truth to the one I love?

I think I need to pray, meditate and possible get and give a tarot reading for clarity and direction, but for now I'll sip my cannabis infused coffee and maybe eat an edible. As the rain drops to the ground I could enjoy some psychedelic thoughts, perhaps take a nap and have psychedelic dreams; I guess anything to avoid contacting the one person I think I want to talk to the most. Then again I have to ask myself, was that love so amazing or are you romanticizing it because there's no one else in the picture; right now? On one hand I believe I may be romanticizing the past as if it was far better than it actually was, overlooking the times when I was bored or distracted. Maybe not being completely truthful with how lovable I may or may not have been. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", so maybe I can see clearly the mistakes I've made yet not so much the mistakes made on the other persons behalf. I know some things happened which hurt my feelings and at times my heart so do I overlook that because I imagine a relationship being far greater in my mind than in reality? At this point I must ask if I am being delusional or if there's some other explanation. 

Perhaps I should have found a different title as I am not closing my heart from the possibility of meeting someone (which seems to be "in the cards" for me); I am however beginning to ask myself some harder questions such as: how did this person grow to occupy a space in my heart? how do I feel about that? why does it persist? I know some of you are probably thinking "how hard is it to just contact that person and shoot your shot?" well, I've chosen not to because I feel dumb; I feel dumb for wanting to reach out, even more so for the words that come to my mind when I think of initiating communication with someone who has chosen to almost ignore me. How is that for romantic? Over the years I've relied on a motto that if I don't know what to do about something, to do nothing. That is the approach I am taking with my heart right now; which lead to other questions in the aforementioned conversation. If I am leaving myself open to rekindling a love yet I've made no intentions to do so; how will the Universe know how to help me? I read a meme recently that said, "only put your energy into things you have a future with". To say that struck a cord within me to let go of this situation I have created for myself and leave well enough alone. Which takes me back to what started this whole thing to begin with; if you feel you love someone and you think of them daily, at what point do you reach out or chalk it up to a failed relationship and move forward?

Or, do I face my intimacy issues, set intentions and ask the Universe to intervene? I seriously took a break from writing to do an impromptu tarot reading and the cards basically said to take the leap. I don't know how long I can continue to ignore the cards in an effort to keep my ego intact; or how healthy that is? I just know as of late it's become a not so good habit. I tend to take the advice of my tarot reader before my own at times and I need to stop doing that; I have got to learn to embrace and trust my intuition, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Then Pandora plays a song which lyrics nearly brings tears to my eyes because it asks a question I have been dragging out for some time now. It's almost crazy how the Universe will send you all types of messages in the strangest forms to get your attention, I then talk myself out of saying something because I feel it's clichè to contact an ex-lover on a rainy day. See, it doesn't take much for me to crawl back into my shell; so I'll take some time and see how I feel on another day. Or maybe I'll wait until after a few therapy sessions? Either way, I know it won't be today; you can say I'm stubborn that way.

I feel torn and I am leaning towards the thought of leaving the past as it is, no matter how I've romanticized it and focus on unpacking my discomfort for intimacy and allowing that to heal the assumed heartbreak I think I feel for a relationship I've quite honestly put too much energy into where unlike myself, my confidant and tarot reader sees a future. I don't want to "block my blessings", but I honestly don't see a future or an appropriate time or place to say anything to anyone. I think it's best that I "do nothing" and allow God work it out, because leaning on my own understanding has left me more confused than ever. I hope that does not translate into the writing and making you confused as well. I think I should continue as I have, taking each day as they come and leaving things the way they are; for now.

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed

I was in the presence of the Full Moon for a few days  allowing myself to tap into my core self and analyze some thoughts as well as emotions. I sat under the Sky with music and marijuana, specifically Golden Ticket and Blue Dream strains; and at times I sat there in silence, meditating and praying. I felt a level of clarity that I know I grew into, understanding myself in a different light yet feeling connected to everything. I'm sure it had much to do with The Great Conjunction and all of the magical energy swirling around the atmosphere ever since. Along with the New Year and all of the hopes, dreams and opportunities in mind during such time. I've been anticipating the New Year for many months now; as I am learning my gifts I am at a space where I trust myself and my knowing of things a lot more than in previous years.

I was looking forward to the New Moon in Capricorn, from what I read it seems this New Moon is in alignment with many of my recent writings; such as acknowledging myself and my accomplishments as well as eliminating things which no longer serve my highest good. As I tapped into my thoughts I found an appreciation for 2020 that I feel may be a bit unusual; I feel as if 2020 allowed me to heal quite a few emotional and mental wounds as well as helped me see lessons learned and to accept the wisdom from going through everything this past decade brought with it. When I sit outside at night I feel as if the Moon understands these random thoughts and sends encouragement to me in various messages such as Angel Numbers, song lyrics, synchronicities and the like. A while ago I kept seeing 555, which I understand means big changes are on the way. I am beginning to see some of those changes while anticipating more to come. I then think of astronomy when the Moon and a few planets (Jupiter, Saturn and Mercury) will be visible in the night's sky. Times like this I look forward to the city reopening so I can attend a Public Star Party at Griffith Park, in Los Angeles.

 

I recently had a lovely reading with my tarot reader and followed it up with a reading of my own which to no surprise confirmed many of the things discussed. I feel energized with a renewed sense of determination, where I want to write out some new goals, hopes and dreams. I mentioned it a while back where I felt as if I was still learning my purpose and having a difficult time identifying goals. I felt as if my goals died with the change of my health while dealing with bipolar, depression and anxiety disorder. I am proud of the steps taken to ensure I maintain good health (emotionally, mentally, physically as well as spiritually). I've learned over the years how not to neglect these aspects of myself; in the past I've done that, focused too much on one part of myself leaving the rest to feel abandoned. That's one thing I wanted to heal for many years, my feelings of abandonment and neglect; I wanted to fill the void in that space and remind my inner child that she is loved, supported and capable of accomplishing whatever dreams her mind sets itself upon. There was a time when I would not think to tell myself how proud I am of me, that's not the case anymore. I've done quite a few things in the past few years that I've felt proud of and I wanted to ensure that beginning in 2021 I'd acknowledge that more. For example with a newfound commitment to my fitness journey. I feel a responsibility to myself to pay more attention to preventative measures. 

As my birth date approaches I have begun to take an introspective look at myself and perhaps write out details of the goals and projects I want to give more attention to. I've been making notes in my 2021 planner and setting deadlines for myself, this time much more realistic than in previous attempts. I think as I am made aware of myself at a certain age I realize the only way to get my desired results I have to be willing to push though rather than hoping for a way around what I know it takes to make a difference... I read a meme recently that said "Cannabis: the glue holding this shitshow together"; in this moment that's how I feel about what's going on in my life, not that it's exactly a shitshow, but there are things that are quite a mess and it seems since I have yet to retain a therapist and writing has slowed down a bit, I can relate. For the past month I've found myself preoccupied, actually a little longer than a month with thoughts and circumstances that were unavoidable. I've been able to talk some things out while others situations called for me to think them through completely and I am doing well at that. With the Moon in Pisces I feel introspective and emotional, in addition to the Moon being in the Crescent Phase;  I feel as if my intuitive senses and imagination are heightened. Understanding a bit more of myself as well as my physic gifts.

I've been reading tarot a lot more lately, finding it to be a fascinating hobby. I would like to find more people to do readings for so I can improve and enhance my gift(s); feeling as if me being my own reader I can interpret the cards however I want since I know myself and my circumstances. It feels as if any card can be understood in a special way because I can see where it applies in my life, but with someone else; I'll have to lean totally on my intuition and interpretation of the cards. While the Sun is in Capricorn (my Sun sign); I feel capable of doing anything I set my mind to, I feel disciplined and aware of new goals. I am happier than I've been in a long time and I am grateful for all of the many blessings I see in my life each day. There was a time when I was so jaded that I could not always find the beauty of the day. I am hopeful, which is also a emotion I have not always felt. I am appreciative of the lessons in 2020 as well as the "some odd" years of life has taught me. I am also looking forward to the wisdom which comes with becoming a year older. I attribute cannabis to this newfound joy I've written about in the past, it wasn't until I added cannabis to my lifestyle that I gained clarity, my intuition has developed and my mood has been stable (for the most part). Tonight I sat under the Moon, Stars and Planets while drinking cannabis infused coffee and I felt one with all there is. I felt a connectedness that I may have written about in previous expressions, but in this moment I do not remember. After drinking some of the coffee I lit some Golden Ticket or Golden Dream in my bowl and took a toke or a few, I then remembered the cannabis oil in my coffee and the edible I'd eaten earlier in the day. 

I feel as if I am floating in a psychedelic cloud, feeling all of my feelings and hearing all of my thoughts; I was able to get to the root of some of my emotions while unlocking a bit of creativity which enabled me to write. Something I haven't been able to do in over a month. In my tarot readings I've gotten The Empress about three times in a row;  and I am not fully clear on it's meaning as I've studied various "meanings" including the one attached. I feel the desire to do a reading for myself now, just to see which cards I pull and if The Empress is amongst them... In my impromptu reading for myself, the card that stuck out the most was The High Priestess which simply says to me to embody the Goddess within; and listen to my intuition, dreams and synchronicities. It's funny because I always try to do a reading centered around love and the cards don't seem to be aligned with the placement of that in my life at the moment; it seems. Well until today, I won't disclose the card, but what I understand, is a new love may be in the near future. Wouldn't that be interesting? I joined a group on Facebook and the other day someone asked, "do you think you're in the right place for a relationship...?" I thought to comment leaving my immediate thoughts to the question when I decided to think a little deeper into the question. I decided not to post my answer yet I find it interesting to get a card confirming my tarot reader's prediction that I would be meeting someone soon.

Since it's been a while since I've shared I wanted to catch up with what's been going on with me and how I've been coping with my mental health issues in the midst of a pandemic. As I've shared before, I hope you all are taking the necessary time and attention needed for your mental, spiritual, physical, emotional, etc health. Take it from me, life without mental health issues can be taken for granted and changed in a blink of an eye. Oh, what I'd give to have my old life back; I'd like to think I would have grown at the same pace or quicker without the onset of depression, bipolar and anxiety disorders. I try not to ride that train of thought too often or for too long because hindsight is full of woulda, coulda, shoulda's. The other day I experienced a remote energy cleanse and I could feel the energy clearing so heavily that. one of my crystals broke. Initially I was heartbroken until I researched it and found a site which says when a crystal brakes it means it's served it's purpose for my time with it. Interestingly enough it was a rose quartz which is understood to be the crystal of unconditional love, carrying feminine energy which falls in line with the empress and the high priestess tarot cards. I feel as if I've released a ton of energy that no longer serves me concerning love, being loved and unconditional love. Like I've said before, it's fascinating how all of these aspects come together and answers questions only God and the Universe knows you've asked.

I am looking forward to my birth date; which is in less than 24 hours away, although due to covid I do not have any plans. I feel as if even though this isn't a milestone age; I feel blessed for so many reasons. As the music plays I feel as if the distractions I've felt lately are slowly melting away. I'm realizing I've had marijuana in three different forms yesterday; each creating it's own sensations from my pineal gland to my heart and inner mind. I've been seeing the number 222 often as well; that just popped in my mind because as I understand 222 means "you're on the right path" in addition to the need for balance, trust and faith. I believe it all makes complete sense how astrology, astronomy numerology and the supernatural come together to tell a story and if we are able to decode it our lives are made a bit easier to navigate. I pray we all tune into our intuitive side and see life through the third eye as Source may have intended. I would say that's a whole other course of thought; so I'll leave that there and call it a night.

Kamille 💗✨

In The Meantime...

"your mind, this globe of awareness, is a starry universe. When you push off with your foot, a thousand new roads become clear".

Rumi

It took me quite some time to get an understanding of the above quote; however I find myself at a crossroads and I feel as if any decision I make will lead to a thousand new roads.  It wasn't until this moment that I feel the starry universe of my mind trying to figure out which road to take. I find myself stressed, the cause is slightly out of my sight so I don't know exactly what is behind these feelings. I've been praying and meditating, but I have yet to see the answer clearly; I haven't been in this space in a very long time, so I've contacted my doctor to request a referral for a new psychologist. I know I've mentioned going back to my former therapist some time ago, but it wasn't until recently that I knew I needed another "safe space" to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am looking forward to learning if I'll have the same therapist or if it'll be someone new, I'd prefer someone new since I can not go back to the therapist I'd choose for myself. 

Although it took a minute to realize it's a good thing to talk to someone who is 100% objective, I feel as if it's right on time. I think as we deal with life during a pandemic we should take the necessary steps in keeping our mental and emotional health a priority; not to mention our spiritual health as well. I hope you know that it is not taboo to seek assistance from someone other than friends and family; at times therapy can be a saving grace and allows a perspective you may not have reached by doing the same things as before. I think we owe it to ourselves to monitor ourselves and take whatever steps are appropriate at that time.

As I have four (4) drafts I'm currently writing I feel a bit overwhelmed, as if I should have posted a long time ago; but at the tagline suggests, I write when I'm in the mood to share. Even though I have been in the mood to share I have to make sure the words make sense and I don't feel as if I'm rambling. I feel the need for direction is popping up in my life in so many aspects and I am a bit confused on which direction to take. In the meantime, I've allowed myself to relax more as well as take some time to indulge in self-care; even if the way I'd like isn't possible at this time (due to covid). A spa day would be perfect on a day like today; to have a sugar scrub with a massage and a lovely shower afterwards, it's invigorating. Nevertheless, adjusting to the pandemic has been a challenge at times, but I'm managing. I hope you all are finding healthy ways to deal with life as we know it; stay safe.

Happy New Year! 🥳 

Kamille

Where Is The Moon?

"fall in love with taking care of yourself. fall in love with the path of deep healing. fall in love with the best version of yourself, but with patience, with compassion and respect for your own journey."

@spiritualmovement (instagram)

I find myself in a familiar space and although I know its a test of my growth I find myself anxious and a bit weary of how things may go. Add to that the astroid Chiron has returned to it's direct position in the cosmos; if I've learned anything about Chiron, it is known as the wounded healer and from my experience will take you to some triggering spaces in order to heal past trauma. With that you have eclipses and the great conjunction happening December 21, 2020. I have so many things on my mind at any given moment I sometimes forget to check in with myself and not regress into some form of autopilot. I've been doing good at managing my stress, staying in tuned with my own energy and I even came one step closer to contacting my therapist for a check in. I feel as if that is progress as I continue to navigate this new life I find myself living. Since the onset of mental health issues I've learned so much about myself yet I find myself learning more as the days pass. Some of the things that used to trigger me don't have the same effects, which I am happy about. It makes me feel as if I can see my growth and areas of maturity.

Lately, emotions have surfaced that at times I can not put my finger on exactly what the feelings are; but the above quote has helped me settle down a bit and not focus on the things out of my control while trusting GOD and the Universe to guide me through to along this specific passage of my journey. I think the quote by Susan Meissner which says “To love is not to be fragile; it is to be unlocked and open. And when something is open, other things can come in.” I believe by showing myself love I am then able to be open and available for my prayers as well as new things to come in, I think by not focusing on my problems and allowing the space for GOD to carve out a path for me has helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety. 

I feel a love for life that seems familiar yet has a newness that I cannot put into words. I began a few expressions over the past month, but for some reason; mainly distractions I have been unable to complete them. I feel as if I may revisit them in the near future and possibly expound on them or discard them altogether. I feel a freeing of my spirit in learning to not hold on to things so tightly, to detach in ways I never thought to before I focused so heavily on self care and self love. Finding the things which serve my highest good as opposed to easy fixes and shortcuts or self sabotage. I feel a multitude of things ranging from weary to excited, I suppose that's where bipolar comes in, thankfully I have the right cocktail to keep it at bay. I've been able to tap into a space of optimism that is keeping me grounded as the days turn to night and I haven't seen the Moon in days. I feel a tad bit uneasy having missed the Moon for so long, anxious awaiting the night (or day) when she appears again. 

With everything going on in the cosmos I feel like a ball of energy waiting to burst, I know some of it is excitement while other parts are anxiety and fear of the unknown or uncertainty. It's a tough spot to be in when you have no other option, but to trust GOD fully and truly; During this time of year I typically spend much of the day in prayer and fasting, some days better than others. I've taken up that practice some years ago and find the spiritual growth that comes along with it is unmatched compared to all of my other practices throughout the year. I also, do my best to observe a specified time of day to pray, meditate and be still; a time I've labeled sacred time. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping the day away finding my dreams more desirable than my reality; now I feel as if I have awakened and am becoming the person to make those dreams come true. I am becoming more committed to my fitness journey and willing to accept that the changes won't come overnight, but with consistency and determination. I'm also committed to a few other goals that although they are more long-term; I feel an urge to set some things into motion even if it's at a snails pace. I feel like this quote explains my feelings at the moment exactly; "We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."- Paulo Coelho

It's as if I am standing with one foot on my faith (the abyss) with the other foot on my fairytale (goals and dreams) awaiting the path to appear. I would be lying if I said it was not a scary place to be in, but the faith has to be as strong as the dreams or how would they manifest? I feel as if I am at a standstill awaiting a message for blessing from GOD in order to move forward into the next chapter of my life...

Mysteries Of My Heart

" I am my own muse, I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.” 

Frida Kahlo

Oftentimes, I find inspiration from within; usually from a song lyric or a quote. Times like now, I was writing on the other blog and I "lost" the inspiration to complete and share the entry. I felt as if I were rambling especially with the Sun in Scorpio and the Moon in Pisces (at the time) along with the Full Moon approaching. I was awakened by the itch of eczema on my hands and after applying the necessary creams and oils the itch was relieved, however, now I can't sleep. So I decided to write out some thoughts and see where they lead.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of tarot readings for myself and the results have been extremely accurate. At one point it seemed as if the cards were quoting my blog entries verbatim; which was not surprising the way that I've been experiencing synchronicities and seeing angel numbers. I suppose with the Moon now in Aries, I'm feeling a bit restless and I am not completely sure why that is. Another thing I've been doing has been massaging my third eye; then I indulged in a strain called "Golden Dream" and that it is, I've had the most vivid dreams even seeing loved ones who have passed on. As I said on an instagram post, I felt the sensation of tingles up my spine until they reached my brain and began massaging each part. I will admit, that doesn't happen often; but with a true sativa I'll get that effect which is quite delightful. Which reminds me of the following quote:"Enter the ruins of your heart, and learn the meaning of humility. Close both eyes and see the mysteries of your inner eye."- Rumi.

I feel as if I've entered a different part of myself and perhaps that's why the other post needed a break as I merged the parts of myself from the ruins of my heart and the mysteries of my inner eye. At times, as a Capricorn (Sun sign) it is difficult to understand the workings of my heart, seeing how I'm usually "in my head". I think that's why I've had much difficulty in searching for the desires of my heart, past writing. I think it's the safest thing to share on here, that I desire to write; which seems self explanatory. My other desire is to know myself, to the point I study my natal chart often and even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to gain more insight. Outside of that I draw a blank, searching for meaning or purpose especially when getting to know more about soul contracts and such. I have many questions on that topic yet no one to discuss it with; I figure the answers will come to me in the appropriate time so I take my thoughts to other places.

Recently, I've been cleansing my heart; focusing on past hurts and heartbreaks and releasing them. Releasing the feelings and emotions connected to those experiences which are no longer for my highest good. I feel a bit lighter, reconciling those feelings took a lot of energy, but it felt like the right time to let it all go. In freeing that space I hope to learn more about what makes my heart beat. I think I want to know what else my heart desires past the two things mentioned above, then I think of love...

I think that's the topic I avoid on the blog, although I feel as if I share my personal life; I know I keep much of my self to myself. I feel as if I may have lost sight of my passion, I am not sure what I am passionate about. I used to be passionate about my health and fitness, a lover, my career and such, I suppose as those things came to an end I misplaced my passion for things. I don't know if I am as passionate as I should be about my heart's desires which may be why I found it difficult to tap into those things. In this moment I feel as if a desire of my heart is to be in love, I feel as if I'm overflowing with love to give and receive in return. I'm beginning to feel as if I am finally ready to take my tarot readers advice and truly open myself to the possibility of meeting someone new. I don't recall the last time I felt this way or if I ever have, but sharing this with you all will assist in it's manifestation. I am not in a rush for this to happen, but I am looking forward to it. Now I'm sitting here listening to music and waiting for this edible to kick in, still no sleep in sight. Part of me thinks if I get in bed and turn the lights and music off I may drift off to sleep while the other part of me doubts that would be the case. 

I did just that; as I laid there in silence I thought of many things to share, but as I drifted off to sleep they were lost in my dreams. Another day passes and the thought of love is still heavy on my mind. Perhaps its the approach of the winter season that's got me feeling this way, or maybe it's just the way the stars have aligned. I felt a clarity after the Full Moon came and went; as if there were blockages which needed to be released with my affirmations and mantras. I feel as if expressing these thoughts in such a public way I am co-creating with the Universe that which I am discovering to be my passions and desires. I am looking forward to learning this aspect of myself and excited to see things unfold and how much I will share with you all...

Then I saw a quote that pretty much sums it all up-

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring"- Oscar Wilde

Sitting In Silence

 "sit, be still and listen"

- Rumi

Years ago I discovered what is believed to be "sacred time"; which is the time of the day observed to honor God, however that is for you. I use that time to pray, meditate and focus on my hearts desires. I found that last part a bit difficult until recently, as I wrote before, I'm learning to dream and set goals again, taking much thought into where I see myself in years to come. The vision has yet to become clear, but I am having fun dreaming of various scenarios; even if God has something different in store. Over the years I've learned to leave room for God to guide me, taking heed to red flags, gut feelings and synchronicities. I also learned of a few tools such as my natal chart, astrology, astronomy, energy cleansing, chakras and tarot which assists with things my intuition leads me to. I find it fascinating when my tarot reader tells me something only I know about myself or a circumstance, whenever I have a deep urgency to schedule a session that happens and I know I'm on the right path. I have been practicing reading tarot cards for a while now and while writing I decided to take a break and read the cards for myself; interestingly enough I got insight on things discussed in my last session. I'd been anxious about something said and was questioning whether I should do something to speed up the process and the cards definitely gave me the answer I needed. I'm working on practicing patience when it comes to things I want, the former brat in me want's what I want when I want it, but as I am maturing I am attempting to exercise restraint and allowing things to flow to me in their appropriate time. With some things this can be more difficult than with others, depending on my excitement for whatever it is I am desiring at the time. I'm learning to be still and listen, I suppose that's what patience is for, sitting still enough to allow the answers to come in their own magical way. 

The only thing about that is anxiety, ocd and happiness; which is an interesting cocktail of emotions. Anxiety would have me skipping ahead a few steps to interject myself into the mix hoping to get the response that I desire; ocd will keep it on my mind until I do something. While happiness is the voice of reason reminding me of my current state of mind and how I don't want to do anything to unravel that. At one point I thought I had an attention disorder because it was almost impossible for me to sit or be still. Even in writing I often ask myself where is this going or how will this end, but I've learned to quiet the questions and allow the words to come forth as they see fit. I take a deep breath, look around the room and realize there's no music playing, no incense burning or marijuana smoke in the air. I don't always need that to write, but I do like the vibe of it all; it makes me feel connected to something higher than myself; as if I am tapped into the Universe and the necessary words come to me as they should. I've been focused again on my purpose and what I think it is, I'm still a little unsure, but a few things come to mind. Of course I feel as if I have a purpose to write and share my experiences and thoughts with others; yet I am curious about how my love and study of the aforementioned tools may be apart of it too. I don't quite know how that factors in, but I do know that the readings I've done for others have been just as insightful as my readings for myself. I love that feeling, especially when it's someone who "isn't into that stuff" like tarot, natal charts, retrogrades and the like. I feel a sense of happiness in watching someone awaken to new things.

I find myself wanting to find other writer friends to chat with; or more friends in general, I think. I feel like a broken record to say this again, but I feel as if I'm coming out of my shell. It may be seasonal or a part of the liberation a particular age brings; I am unsure, but I know I need to do something with this energy. I've been focused on attracting the right people for me, I guess you can say my tribe. That's also something I am learning to be still with, not rushing the process of meeting people who also enjoy writing or metaphysical things. Although I am still learning I like talking to people on different levels of understanding when it comes to these types of things. I like the idea of each person learning something from one another rather than one person being the "expert" on all things discussed; that gets pretty boring really quickly. Lately, I reintroduced my studying of kundalini as well as each chakra and how to balance them; I even signed up for daily grounding during this Mercury retrograde as well as a cleanse which is just in time for scorpio season. Some believe scorpio season is about "rebirth and how our souls are cleansed from the old cycles which no longer serve us". I even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to get a better understanding of myself. It's amazing how these things are so accurate, It's funny because if someone said this is how I would be years ago I would have laughed; before I was so logical, going only by "facts" with no room for the supernatural, now I'm all about it. Reminds me of the quote by Rumi- “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

It's been over a decade that I was introduced to natal charts, chakras and such; and I can see how knowing these things contributed to my awakening of sorts, it wasn't until the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack and the aftermath of it all that I can see how it has changed me and like the quote suggests this side may be better than the one I left. Of course some days I don't see it that way, but today I do. I think the chaos of it all flipped a switch and something within me knew I could no longer go on the way that I was, add abuse to that and the trauma was more than that version of myself could bare. However, it's a bit bittersweet because some days I miss my old life; like in this moment there is a part of me that wishes I could time travel to certain instances in the past and do things differently. Since that is not possible I pray that in my next lifetime, should I choose to return to this Earth; as a woman, I will do things the way I envision in hindsight. Knowing what I know now I will hopefully avoid certain pitfalls and bad decisions or should I say word choices in various situations. I guess that only matters if I fully believed and understood reincarnation and soul contracts. Nevertheless, I do believe in star-crossed lovers and I may have assisted in ruining mine in this lifetime; so I must be still and listen; allowing myself to move forward, open to new possibilities and such. I don't even know how that inserted itself into this entry, I suppose it's just the mood I'm in as I allow the music to play and the lyrics to seep into my thought process.

Crazy how it comes back to that, wishing I could re-do a particular relationship while possibly avoiding others. I guess the person I am now is the sum of all of my experiences, but I wonder: would I still have become this person without certain occurrences? Perhaps nostalgia has crept in, making me romanticize relationships that may have been doomed from the beginning or looking back is allowing me to notice some of my own toxic traits which lead to the demise of said relationship. So far, that's what I'm sitting with, allowing myself to fully let go of what could have, would have and/or should have happened had I... Maybe that's where being open to new possibilities comes into play; which is why I believe this cleanse and energy clearing are right on time for me at this stage in my life. I feel as if I'm at a crossroad and rather than looking backwards I am searching for the sign which shows the way to go forward, continuing on the path that I find myself on. One thing is for sure, I've let go of the fear of being vulnerable; at least on the blog. I feel open and honest; wishing I could meet certain people again, as I am now, hoping they've matured as well and see how the stars align knowing what we know now. I suppose the lessons learned are for future relationships, making sure not to make the same "mistakes" again. I guess time will tell, until then I intend to be still and listen.

useful links:

click here for your free birth/natal chart

click here for free Moon phase at the time of your birth

Transparency: A Journey

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

After visiting my tarot reader again I found a bit more clarity in what the cards along with various synchronicities were telling me. It seems I've come full circle from the incidents which caused my mental health concerns and I am now facing some of those same triggers; I suppose as a test to measure the lessons learned. As I've written before I find myself on an unfamiliar path, the goals and dreams I'd set for myself hit a stumbling block when the onset of mental illness entered the picture. Now I have to think of new goals and dreams for my future and that at times seems a bit impossible. I guess being a particular age and starting over is not that uncommon, yet to me it feels foreign. I've managed to think of a few goals and I am currently working towards them however dreams are a bit more difficult, especially since the question comes up regarding a companion to live those dreams out with. My tarot reader had much to say on the topic and suggests I begin "putting myself out there" in order to meet new people which could possibly lead to something serious. He asked if I were ready to meet someone and I stated, "I'm open to the possibilities". Not just with dating, but with my future; I'd grown tired of wishing things were as they were many moons ago and decided to go with the flow of my current life. I've found the bravery and courage to dream again and embrace starting over. It's just coming out of my shell enough to go after whatever it is that I want.

That's the thing, I don't entirely know what I want or how I want my future to look aside from much laughter, stability and happiness. I'm at a stage in my healing that I am not as fragile as I once was when it comes to facing fears or experiencing things that once sent me over the edge, yet I am not willing to jeopardize the progress I've made over the past several years. One situation I find myself conflicted about has the ingredients to do just that if I don't take the necessary precautions, so I've been doing my tarot, along with prayer and meditation in addition to gathering the necessary crystals to protect and guide me. I find although the situation is all too familiar I am relearning things about myself as I navigate through that I know will be a benefit when it's all said and done. I am no longer afraid to pursue the desires of my heart, waiting for the perfect timing or opportunity has made me stagnant in the past and that is one thing I do not wish to repeat as time goes on. I'm still working on holding back in my relationships, but I feel as if I've come a long way from where I once was. I have yet to dive into my heart and find what's calling my soul aside from writing. I read the following quote and I guess that's what I've been fearful of until recently: "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"- Joseph Campbell

The treasure I seek is my dream for the future, the cave then would be my heart and the fear is the uncertainty of life which suggests to make plans and watch God laugh. I don't quite know how I'll handle another road block getting in the way of my dreams or the need to begin again and dream new dreams. I wrote recently in Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts regarding the desire to have more children and the regret I felt because I'd chosen not to, although I am slowly releasing those feelings and emotions attached to that awarenesses I still wrestle with the thoughts. Seeing how "hindsight is 20/20" I realize the possible damage of suffering from newfound mental illnesses with small children to raise; I don't know if I would've come out of that or the trauma that could have been inflicted upon myself and/or those children. Since I have no plans to endure a "late in life" pregnancy it's only fair to myself to find peace with this outcome. I can no longer resent or regret any decision made during those years because they were made with my higher self; who knows the journey even when my consciousness doesn't at the time. I also wrote in Glowing Up about how I've been sharing more and not being so hard on myself as I shift my focus on self-love and such. Although I do want to experience the opportunity of meeting someone, I am enjoying meeting myself on another level. So contrary to my tarot readers suggestions companionship is not that high on the list of priorities just yet. 

I have gotten more comfortable being my authentic self and I feel as if some of the growth can be seen in my writing; at least I hope it does. I think at some point I'll write down my dreams and what I believe it will take to accomplish them, that may be the missing piece, writing it down. Funny because I often have the best thoughts when I am sleeping or driving and of course there's no pen or paper in sight. I often pray to have the thoughts return when I am better able to jot them down and sometimes it happens that way. In my last writing I mentioned neglecting aspects of myself and the first thing that came to mind was companionship, but I think more importantly I'd neglected some of my wants and needs as a person who happens to be a woman. I think we as a society can get so hung up on marital status that we forget to be whole without a plus one. I thought I lost something or I was missing something so I began showering myself with self-care; I'd enjoy dates with myself or friends and not think too much about meeting anyone until recently. Not too long ago while running errands with my Aunt she asked why I'd stopped wearing make up and my reply was that I will once I lose the weight; I later found myself helping a friend with a photoshoot and somewhere in the mix I ended up with a full face of make up and I saw myself differently. I then realized all of the things I had been avoiding or neglecting because I was unhappy with the weight I'd gained over the years. In that moment I decided not to live that way any longer.

While I was out over the weekend I decided to stop and buy a few essential make up items and had a good time playing with it earlier that evening. It felt good and more importantly I liked how I looked and felt. I know that seems a bit trivial, but to me it was that little adjustment that made a big difference in how I saw myself. I remember someone saying to me "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you"; and although that was an extremely sweet thing to say the attention was unwanted so the words fell flat. I now realize the main person hindered by the weight gain was me, no one else cares. Or should I say, it's not a major issue for anyone in my life other than myself. I began working on my fitness again and decided to embrace my girlie side; I feel better as the days are going by because I am discovering myself and allowing the best parts to shine forth as I work on the shadow side along with areas I feel need improvement. The quote: "let yourself become living poetry"- Rumi, comes to mind as I peek out of the shell I referenced earlier. As a Capricorn (Sun sign), Aquarius (Moon sign) and Virgo (rising) I find my wants and needs conflict with my natural response to things at times. For me, I like to stay low-key; but other aspects of my natal chart is a bit more aggressive when it comes to wanting and needing various things I could normally do without. I think that's the poetry in it all, to balance what I've learned about my Sun sign with all of the other facets of my being. I only learned about birth/natal charts about nine or ten years ago so for much of my life I felt molded in how a Capricorn behaves, but after generating my natal chart and studying myself I now understand why certain things conflict when I now know they don't have to.

I feel lighter; as if a weight has been lifted and it feels "right on time"; I now realize the amount of effort it takes to hold things in can be crippling. I did not know certain things had been affecting me for as long as they had, it wasn't until a recent trigger sparked a memory that things sort of unravelled; not in the sense of causing a mental health break, but more so an "ah-ha" moment pinpointing an area of my life that took a turn and assisted with the causes of said mental health break in 2012. That's a long time to carry such a burden unbeknownst to me, I am glad it revealed itself gently; where I could digest in a healthy and stable way. After speaking with my tarot reader and a friend, I've decided to seek another therapist; I'm praying I get one who is more aligned with my energy and I don't feel the need to avoid certain topics. That's what I did with my last therapist, well, to be honest, that's what she did with me. I allowed her to lead our sessions and her main focus was my anxiety and depression which through various techniques I am able to manage better than days past; but my personal life and interests never made it to the conversation. I think that's what I need, an outlet to discuss my personal life that is outside of the blog and with friends. Thankfully I have those outlets, but some things are too personal to share here and other things I don't want to burden my friends with the responsibility of hearing about them much of the time. 

I am now even more excited about the coming months and year; I feel as if my transformations are all for a reason and that reason will soon reveal itself to me. I feel as if the past several years were all to get me to this point of being; happy and healthy in my own skin, finding new perspectives to things that used to "ruffle my feathers" and finding constructive ways to transmute that energy. Since Mercury is retrograde I decided to get extra grounding from Mystic Lipstick, I've participated in various groundings and clearings over the years and I will admit they are extremely helpful; especially during Mercury retrograde. I also replaced my Tiger's Eye crystal which helps with emotional stability, balance and other such attributes I find useful at this time. I feel as if I am on the right path yet my purpose is still unclear, perhaps that's where the diving into my heart comes in. Maybe that's the journey, unlocking parts of oneself until their purpose is revealed? I've been curious about my purpose and the purpose of those in my life for many years, some things are still unclear, but I figure the more I write it out the clearer it may become. I will admit, I am looking forward to how it will all unfold.

 

Glowing Up

“from understanding comes love”

Rumi 

The other week my therapist said I made enough progress to end our sessions. She also stated that I could call her if necessary; I don't quite know how I feel about that, I guess you can say I'm still processing.  For a few days I thought of all the conversations I should've had with her, they seemed trivial at the time, but now they have feelings or emotions attached and I feel as if I should hash them out with someone other than friends. I used to do that a lot, hold onto things I felt I should say yet the timing was never right to do so, at least from my perspective. I'm beginning to wonder if I should call her and speak on the things swirling around in my head. I feel a void and I don't know which direction it's coming from. Perhaps because my Dad's birthday just passed and he was not here to celebrate what would've been his 60th; along with the fact my Grandmother's 90th birthday passed recently and she also is not here with us. I feel blessed, to have known them for as long as I did, but my heart mourns a bit because they've passed on. That could be the reason I feel the need to reach out to my former therapist at this time. I've mentioned on the other blog, as well as this one how the last quarter of the year is full of memories of not so pleasant times along with birthdays of loved ones who have passed on. Although I am still looking forward to this time and the new year, I'm finding it to be a bit bittersweet.

I think it's best to "take one day at a time" and make sure those days are filled with happiness, laughter and fond memories. There was a time when those days were few and far between, but thank God now is a different story, most days I run errands, talk to friends and family and enjoy much needed self-care (which varies daily). The past few days I've enjoyed a massage, hair and nail appointments along with dates to socialize with friends and a get together to honor my Father's memory. I feel as if that's the healthiest way to remove the grief of it all and focus on the good times shared. That's the thing about grief, it sometimes pops up out of "nowhere" and brings you down until something snaps you out of it. Lately, music has been helping, especially songs that remind me of my Dad or songs my Mom says my Grandmother liked…

I am in thought or in my feelings; searching for lyrics or quotes to spark a thought to write. As I've shared in previous writings, I found a couple of strains which are creative in nature; but I'm attempting to micro-dose so I don't build a tolerance too quickly. That happened with Bubblegum OG since I seemed to smoke that regularly last month with a few sessions of other strains. True to it's description it left me in a euphoric state of mind, very relaxed and uplifted; even lifting the burden of eczema which mainly effect my hands with an itch that is unbearable at times. Now I've found Sour Sunset which is also very relaxing and uplifting with feelings of creativity and such. I know that's the disposition I want to have especially if I can obtain it on a daily basis; wouldn't that be great if I were creative everyday? I'd find time to write, paint, read more and do all of the other things I pretend I don't have enough time for. 

I began this post days ago, yet parts of it didn't come together until Mercury went retrograde; I guess this is an area I need to reflect upon as the weeks go by. Interesting how I have these revelations as particular retrogrades approach, especially Mercury. As I became aware of what retrogrades were and how they operate I've been able to use them to my advantage; so this time of introspection, reflection and such is right on time. I've decided to use this time to revisit goals, dreams, lifestyle choices and the like; I feel as if it may be a good time to rethink the master cleanse, since I am still working towards a few fitness goals. I feel as though I've focused so much on my spiritual health with major attention paid to my mental health and self care that I now need to focus on my outer appearance and self-love. I've learned to love myself unconditionally which I thought I did until I began gaining weight, I then saw areas within that needed my energy so I've been working towards filling the gap. Health-wise, it just makes sense to lose the unwanted weight; add vanity to that and my ego is ready for bikini season. Due to corona I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday as I'd planned so I want to take a trip next summer and I want to look my best in the photographs. Lately, I've been in the mood to hike and opportunities have presented themselves yet I keep talking myself out of it. I attempted walking a trail not so long ago and I allowed the aches and pains to bring that to a halt. I feel as if it's time to revisit that as well.

I feel a burst of energy, as if I am on the right path; ready to conquer the short term goals I've set for myself. I think if I start today, and take each day as it comes; scheduling time for fitness I have more than enough time to get where I want to be. I remember a few years ago when I'd walk at least five miles daily and other days when I'd hike Runyon Canyon with friends. I think I've wanted to relive those days rather than expect new experiences. That's the difference between today and a few weeks or months ago; now I am open to new possibilities instead of hanging on to the joys of the past. I no longer feel trapped by the me of yesteryear, I have this image of myself in my head and it scares me that I will most likely never look that way again, but this time the fear isn't as strong as it used to be; now I feel as if I am embracing the me that wants to shine through- I suppose that's the "glow up" I've been waiting for.

I've noticed I've been writing less in my journal and more on the blog, over the past few weeks I've learned that I can be a bit too hard on myself, is it even possible to give yourself the benefit of doubt? It seems so easy to extend that courtesy to others yet, for some of us, when it comes to ourselves, we tend to expect expertise in everything no matter our level of knowledge on the topic. Taking the advice of my psychic I haven't been second guessing myself as much as I used to, which helps me better understand aspects of myself that I didn't take enough credit for; so to speak. I think that may have been a missing piece of the puzzle when it came to self-love; I've focused so much on self-care I often overlook certain parts of self-love. As I allow the incense to burn, the music to play and the smoke to dance in the air; I know there are thoughts and feelings associated with being a woman that I have been neglecting. I feel as if it's time to allow myself the love I give so often to myself, I think at some point I thought no one would be capable or available to do so; now I'm realizing the barrier I placed in the way. Rather than speaking with my former therapist, the urge to call my tarot reader grew stronger and stronger as the day went on, I was able to get some clarity regarding some thoughts and feelings I mentioned before "swirling" around. I am thankful for the various avenues I have in mind to obtain insight and clarity, tarot being one of them. I won't share the details of my desires in such a public forum, but I will say this threw me for a loop. As I said a bit earlier, I've been feeling a void of some kind and it wasn't until the moment I reached this sentence that I realize a few words unspoken are partly the reason.

To be continued... 

Words Unspoken

 “Tell me where you go in these silences and I will say if I have been there.”  

— Naomi Shihab Nye

As "bulletproof soul" plays in the background thoughts of you resurface, I wonder where you are or what you are doing that keeps you away from me. We've taken time apart before, but somehow this feels different; more permanent. I ask myself if I should text or call and the answer keeps coming up "no", I don't know if you want to hear from me or where things would go past "hello". So I leave things as they are, silent.

My heart is full yet there's still a space with your name on it and I don't know what to do with it. How do I erase what you mean to me or whether I should even think that thought. I keep saying "one day I'll..." yet that one day hasn't come. Maybe the days are supposed to go by one at a time until the thoughts of you no longer jar me. Maybe like the song says (paraphrased) I'm haunting you the same way you're haunting me; that's what it feels like though, a haunting of a piece of my love that's been displaced. 

What am I supposed to do with that? Perhaps like the quote says I've been in the space of silence you are in now. Maybe one day we'll discuss, until then...

Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts

 “Every human heart cries and yearns for the same thing: a chance to fulfill his or her own dreams and desires...” Myles Munroe

Still buzzing from the concoction of marijuana strains in my system I thought of various hopes, dreams and ideas I have as well as projects I am working on and I began to wonder is my heart truly yearning or crying for these things to manifest? I feel silly posing that question, because I know that it does; and has been for quite some time. The heaviest is to write a book, however the direction has changed multiple times since the original idea came to mind. I find myself sitting in front of the computer, overwhelmed with thoughts of where and how to begin. I thought to focus on one chapter at a time, but I still feel as if I need direction. I may have mentioned it in a previous post about my recent reading with my tarot reader, where he told me I need to stop second guessing myself and trust myself more than I do currently. I suppose that's how this entry began, I didn't ponder on if I felt like writing or what I'd say, I just let my fingers take control and we'll see what comes.

I began having lucid dreams for quite some time; very vivid dreams to the point of experiencing deja vu on a few occasions. I've been listening to oldies and thinking of simpler times, songs by Nina Simone, Pink Floyd, Gil Scott-Heron, Etta James and Aretha Franklin top the list. I've been enjoying the days more, not as bored as I've been in the previous months. I believe by changing my perspective I have come to embrace the quiet days and nights, realizing that drama and dismay are dysfunctional and should not be expected as normal. I think because of film and television programing we are always looking for the plot to twist or a villain and real life should not be that way. As someone who has fallen victim to betrayal, sabotage and the like; I do understand how life can feel like you're in a movie or soap opera, however those times don't, or should I say shouldn't outweigh the blessings and wisdom each day brings. Interestingly enough many of the betrayals and sabotage lead to much better outcomes than what was presenting itself to begin with. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", mainly because we often overlook red flags and warnings as we are made aware of them. When I was betrayed, by a couple of people I knew it was not out of their character to do such things, I just thought they wouldn't do those things to me. I found the lesson in that and made sure to heed to the red flags, warnings, "gut feelings", etc. Although many of those people are not apart of my life there is one that I still interact with on occasion, but now I know to maintain my boundaries and not feed into the triggers which would cause the same reactions as in the past.

I realize I don't share my dreams with other people, aside from my desire to write a book I keep everything under wraps to protect my vision for what I have in my heart to create. I no longer fear oversharing on the blog as I once did, I feel as if I've learned from the other blog what to share and what may be for my private journal, I guess only time will tell if that's the case. I think back to my teenage years and even my twenties when my desires and dreams were much different; I've let go of the dream of having several children, I've made peace with the fact that it just wasn't in the cards for me in this lifetime. I then focused on my career and where I thought I'd be within that company, as I am now retired, I had to re-envision my life and how I wanted things to manifest and I'm still working on that part, because I used to see myself a particular way, but without more children, a husband and a "regular" job I find myself battling societies programming on the role of today's woman. I don't fit any modes, I don't think I ever have. With an adult child, life is a bit different than it is for those with children at home; at least for me; so I try to fill up my days being productive and finding the "silver lining" to life's curve balls and day to day happenings. The other day I thought of a time when I wanted more children or when I had "baby fever", which usually didn't last too long. I thought to myself, or maybe it was an impromptu prayer where said I wanted to have more children in my next lifetime, that is if I return as a woman. I think I'd like to live a traditional life, I feel as if I may never have, I know for sure this life has been everything but traditional.

I often think of how I'll grow older and where I'll be; I used to see myself on the porch in a swing watching the Sun set with a beverage and a joint. Usually with a partner; these days I don't see that very clearly, I don't know what to expect as I grow older, but I am enjoying my life now as a lady of a certain age. I intend to travel more, write more, take up new hobbies; like, photography and painting. I know things didn't turn out the way they normally do, yet I need to revisit where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I think I've desired things to do for so long I have yet to figure out my deepest desires for my whole self. As a child I thought the path was to finish school, find a career, marry and have children; a few of those steps got out of whack so I rolled with them. I now realize that life may not have put me on the path I find myself on during this journey in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I don't regret not getting married and I no longer regret not having more children. I just don't know what to do with myself at times since a woman's life is usually centered around others and not herself. I feel as if I need to look deeper within and find the things I'm yearning for with only myself in mind. I want to dream new goals to realize and watch them manifest before my eyes. 

Lately, I thought my heart yearned for another person and that I was longing for our circumstances of which we are not together to change. I later realized I need to put that on the back burner and give this time to myself; to accomplish the short-term goals I've set. I used to wonder about the purpose of meeting certain people or why those people are in my life; I still do on occasion, but not as much as before. I find myself re-living particular situations and wishing I could go back and do things differently; now when I think about that person I tell myself to find something else to do. I don't think anything good will come from it at this time. Again, my tarot reader had much to say about this and my approach, but it's working for me thus far so I don't see a reason to do anything differently; at least not yet. I've adopted a philosophy where I want to leave people better off than they were when they met me, not saying their life is in shambles or anything foolish like that, but I like to brighten days or provide an alternate prospective when asked my opinion. I heard in some movie, I can't recall the name of it; but a character said something to the effect "I'm better for having known you", I thought that was one of the greatest compliments a person could receive; that's where my philosophy came from. So I do my best to give positive feedback when asked and lend a listening ear when it's needed. I say that to say, I consider myself a good friend and that took time, wisdom and practice. So seeing how I'd love to have certain people in my life at this time I don't think they'd be better for it, I think things will be as they've always been and I was unhappy in that dynamic. These days I look forward to smiles and laughter, drama free living and time to focus on my creative efforts. 

I found writing this expression very therapeutic for some reason, I'm learning to view the blog as a safe space and allow the words to flow as they choose to without second guessing or censoring; unlike before when I blatantly overshared. I don't think I've ever shared some of the desires mentioned with even my close friends, I felt as if I was holding them near to my heart; the word secret comes to mind. Although when I write I feel as if I am an open book, but in reality I feel as if I am still a bit mysterious; even in real life. It's funny when my friends say something in regards to knowing me; I feel so hidden at times, and the question usually comes to my mind like, do they really know me outside of surface things? I have yet to ask anyone and my own thoughts may be biased or misleading so I try not to ponder on those things too long. I think that's why I'm procrastinating with the book, to express myself with such clarity and transparency is a level of vulnerability I feel I am still working towards. I had a title, I am not sure if it will remain the same; and I had a premise, but again, I am unsure of the direction to get from the title to the introduction and the "meat and potatoes" of what I want to say and how my words would add value to the world. I suppose it goes back to purpose, what would be the purpose of writing the book I had in mind? How would it better the lives of those who chose to read it? 

I read a quote stating to "be the person you needed when you were younger" and it stuck with me. I even started to create another blog with that in mind, providing stories of my experiences and how I'd wished someone had given me a playbook so to speak to avoid some of the pitfalls life may have for some of us. I then thought of the demographic for that audience and I didn't think it was for adults because they've already survived those trials and possibly tribulations giving them a testimony all their own. So I decided not to proceed with that even though I have yet to come across anything like that concept. Perhaps that's still down the line, until I know exactly what to do about it I'll keep in "in the drafts" so to speak. I think that's how I've chosen to live this life on the journey I find myself on, sticking to my path and realizing when and what to share at the appropriate times. I don't think that hinders the desire, I think it's allowing it to unfold as it should, not rushed or forced, but relevant. I have yet to think of a title for this entry; I still don't know how it will all come together, but I feel as if my therapist and tarot reader would be proud of me for letting go and allowing the words to flow even regarding matters I've never spoken of before. I think the current waxing gibbous Moon in Pisces can take the credit for this evenings expression; as stated on the app Time Passages, "you might feel in yourself a deep urge for introspection and reflection"... I know why certain things came up in this post now and that's for me to discuss with a close friend and/or my therapist, but I'm glad it exposed itself so that I may move forward completely.

It seems as if it should be easy to be vulnerable when you're sitting at a computer sharing words with others; but for me, for some strange reason I find it more difficult than sharing some things with friends. I don't know why that is. Nevertheless, I am glad to be "coming out of my shell" these days; it seems like baby steps, but I see the growth where a year or two ago I would have redacted much of what I shared today and found some fluff to put in it's place. Whereas today I allowed myself to be open, honest and transparent. I will admit, I like this feeling; perhaps it's just what I need to begin writing the book or at least re-visit my outline and decide where I want to begin and what I want to say. Which makes me think it's time to revisit the drafts on the other blog and piece together posts I'd like to develop into chapters. Sounds easy enough, and it's not as if I don't have the time to do it; maybe it's the energy, what it will take to relive some of those words and emotions typed during times of trouble. I think the energy necessary to revisit some of those posts may be a bit more than I want to engage in at this time. I then thought of using the posts from this blog and doing the same, but in oversharing in the past I think that's the amount of depth I need to start with in order to truly convey my story. Again, time will tell.

for insight; see, Transparency (The World Outside My Window) 

Pink Skies

I just smoked a strain called Golden Ticket and instantly felt compelled to write; that's rarely happened with the exception of Blue Dream and Space Queen both of which have become favorites of mine. I learned of this strain from a friend who referred to it as "everything I want in my marijuana" with that being said I was super excited when I found it, after looking for several months. I recently took an impromptu staycation to Las Vegas, and enjoyed a bit of shopping and visiting with family, although it wasn't a tropical resort the relaxation was much needed. That is until pains crept up in my back from driving the distance; almost immediately I paid a visit to my chiropractor and later attempted to schedule an appointment for a massage, which unfortunately did not happen as planned. I did however see the Sun as it was setting and the sky was this amazing color pink; mixed with various hues of blue, orange and purple. Although a bit bittersweet because much of the color variation has to do with the smoke in the air mixed with typical Los Angeles smog. Nevertheless, it was beautiful all the same. 

I wrote on the other blog about pink skies before, but the content was much different; mainly about someone from my past and the state of our relationship, interestingly enough I was in love. That post was in 2012, looking back I can see the girlish beauty in the words I choose yet the entire read is too personal to share, especially since that person and I are no longer on speaking terms. Funny thing is, I am happy that I was able to think back on those days with fond memories and not want to relive or revisit the situation. I can see my growth, from nostalgia and having regrets to moving past those feelings and accepting things the way they are. That simple transmutation made such a huge difference in my life, by not holding on to the past I feel I am able to better use that energy for thoughts of my current reality as well as manifesting dreams and ideas I have in mind. I feel anew, as if being of a certain age has liberated me. I feel youthful as if I am not actually the age I am, but more of the age I feel, At times the trouble with that is it sparks memories from when I was actually twenty years younger and the state of my life at that time.

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of fun, without much thought of the future. Even though I no longer regret decisions made during that time I find that I no longer wish things were different, with the exception of my career and the way it turned out; but I won't go into that. So, back to the pink sky and golden ticket; I am in a euphoric state of being, as if nothing negative exists in my life, which is almost odd except I had a conversation with my tarot reader recently and we discussed how I had been "bored" lately, we then discovered my idea of boredom has been the lack of drama and dismay I had been experiencing since approximately 2012 when I developed anxiety disorder, ptsd, depression and such. I'm getting accustomed to this new life I've created for myself. As I think of therapeutic things to do during the day along with errands and avoiding crowded spaces I find myself with a lot of time on my hands. Like, time to watch the Sunset or gaze at the Moon...

With the Moon in Aquarius (my Moon sign), I feel a bit emotional, not in a way which will make me cry; but more so in tuned with myself and the world around me. I spoke about feeling connected before and I have not quite been able to put the feelings into words, I think as my tarot reader suggested, my psychic abilities are heightening and my body is adjusting. That may sound a bit crazy, however I could not find any other words to make it make sense. Although many have reacted to the events of 2020 as if the year has been doomed or "toxic", but I feel a bit different, I feel as if 2020 has exposed a lot of areas where growth, compassion and understanding are necessary. I'm actually looking forward to the last quarter of this year as well as what 2021 has in store. I believe as cliche as it sounds "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade", I'm not quite sure what people expected to occur in 2020 that makes reality so detrimental; that is with the exception of the circus of an election we are headed for. I've learned to be more optimistic, not only with myself, but with others and the world at large. I think that has helped me to remain happy as some would say the world is ending.

I think the world is ending, in a sense; I pray the injustice, racism and inhumane treatment of others would end. While in my bubble of happiness I still find myself frustrated with the current judicial system when it comes to unnecessary killings of Black people, most recently in the case of Breonna Taylor. I know it will take much time however I have noticed more people when I'm out and about seem to be a bit nicer, kinder, more helpful and even thoughtful. I pray as we "stick together" during this pandemic we can find ways to make the world better, friendlier, more of service to one another. I pray more laws are passed and murderers are convicted when they disobey the law regardless if they are paid to uphold it. Sometimes I tell myself that is all wishful thinking, but on some level I believe it will happen, even if it's not during this lifetime for me. I sit here with thoughts of empathy and heavyheartedness as I have these conflicting emotions. Happiness on one hand and frustration on the other, however I still feel balanced, something I fight very hard to maintain. The regimen I've concocted for myself seems to be working and I feel the difference.

I think that's why I love when the sky is pink, it feels so pure and open to possibilities; which is how I feel. I feel at peace,  as if all is right in my world for a change; without expecting "the other shoe to drop".  Instead I am looking forward to blessings and wisdom which is all a testament to the research I've been doing by learning my natal chart aspects. Understanding the many facets of who I am rather than focusing solely on my Sun sign, Capricorn; which can be a bit pessimistic at times. I like where my journey has taken me thus far, into the land of natal charts, tarot and a better understanding of myself and at times others. So I suppose I'm looking forward to the last quarter of the year because it's the season of pink skies as the Sun sets into the Autumn and Winter skies...

The Cost of Emotions

Lately, I've been writing about my thoughts; for a change I thought I'd write about my feelings. I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of connectedness,  I can only attempt to put it into words, but I'll try. As many of you may have read in previous expressions I've had feelings of happiness for quite some time, now it's morphing into a type of love I had yet to experience. I know it's a reflection of the level of self-care and self-love I've been pouring into myself which makes me want to give myself even more of my attention. Once I started focusing on myself more I've felt this sense of being in tune that allows my gifts and attributes to shine (imo). I used to think it was selfish to focus so much on myself, then I read a quote some time ago which (I'm paraphrasing) said something to the effect of "stop contacting them first and watch you'll never hear from them". So I eased up with checking on people who weren't necessarily checking on me; I then transmitted the energy it takes to be in so many people's lives, seeing how much smaller my circle became gave me ample time and space to carve out for myself. I started focusing on healing; my inner child wounds, ptsd, anxiety causing thoughts and feelings, you get the gist. I realized how those aspects of myself displayed in various habits, patterns and/or behaviors which are no longer serving me. I feel lighter, as if a weight has been lifted and filled with more smiles and laughter. I recently hung out with family members I hadn't seen in some time and it was refreshing. As the stars aligned I also reconnected with someone I thought I'd never see or speak with in this lifetime. Funny how that happens.

I find myself in a much better space than I've ever been in, a space of freedom and liberation. I feel as if I don't need to hold back as I once did, I realize how comfortable I'd become in my bubble of "shyness" or "aloofness". I see how it was just a game I was playing with myself to keep others at arm's length. Trouble was, I still ended up hurt or heartbroken or some other emotion I'd rather not experience. The price I paid for holding onto words and actions that I could've easily expressed and taken the experience for what would have been. Today, I realize the cost of those emotions were much more expensive than they needed to be had I done the work I knew I needed to do much sooner. I still struggle with the philosophy of "nothing happens by accident" or "you control your own destiny"; mainly because I believe some things are out of our reach, such as God and the Universe and how astronomy and astrology connects and effects our lives. I used to regret decisions I'd made or scenarios I allowed to play out without proper context, now I understand that I hadn't grown or developed into this person yet and those trials and tribulations were what brought me to this point and who knows- would I be here had it not been for learning from those experiences?

I do my best to say the words and do the things I desire, making sure I am my authentic self leaving no room for regrets. Something I wished I did when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties. What a difference that would have made. Now I believe, the cost of emotions is vulnerability; I used to write about how vulnerability scared me, as if I could not allow myself to dive into the depths of my own truth. I say the words now, even if I sound stupid or whatever. Like another quote says (paraphrased) "say it, even if your voice cracks", I take that to mean speak your truth, even if you are uncomfortable or your opinion is not the popular one. I'm learning to do that more, even on the blog where I try not to censor my words, but to allow them to flow freely as my fingers move from key to key. I've said it before and I truly believe writing is a form of art, the way the words align even when you don't know what the next sentence will be. Lately, I've had the desire to paint. I've painted three canvases (?) and I will say I surprised myself with the outcomes. I do that often, not knowing my abilities until the finished products. I've showed them to a hand full of people and all said nice things. I only share my art with people I know will give me objective criticism not those who'd say anything they think I'd want to hear. 

The blogs are different, I share what I feel comes out naturally and I don't pay too much attention to the number of views, whether it's one or thousands I appreciate you all for taking time out of your lives to entertain my thoughts. Although I think I don't write enough, especially on my other blog I feel a sense of togetherness as people still read those posts from at least two years ago. I suppose I want to take this time to say "thank you", it means more than you know to have people share, like, comment or give words of encouragement privately. I truly don't know where I'd be without this outlet along with therapy and journalling. I used to think being a "tough" girl was the answer to avoiding the unpleasant experiences life has to offer at times, but the truth is, if nothing else happens to shake things up a Saturn Return sure will. For me, it seemed as if my Saturn Return unveiled a lot of trauma I'd been avoiding dealing with, but once I sat with myself in meditation and prayer I saw the lessons and wisdom from many of those experiences; the good as well as the not so good. Looking back I guess I'm happy for the way things have gone because they lead to this moment in time, these opportunities to grasp, memories to make. 

I hope you're grabbing ahold of each opportunity that may be presenting itself in this time of pandemic, or as I like to say a time of reflection and introspection. In addition I hope you are healing the wounds life has allowed you to endure and you come out with a new perspective. I hope you are basking in happiness, self-care and self-love as we need it now more than ever before, I think. As I wrote that, I thought of my tribe and how I feel as if my circle is becoming just that. I thought of the encouragement and conversations about our plans or artistic expressions and how we push one another to be and do our best. I think of you all as an aspect of that tribe because although you may not know me in person you know my words, many of you following from the early days on the other blog or instagram and twitter. I'd like to think you have seen some growth, some barriers being broken, such as my fear of vulnerability and how I've slowly overcome that. I pray my words are inspiring or at the very least, thought provoking. I think I'm hoping to see the New Earth, where we are more harmonious, peaceful and community based as opposed to individualistic and at odds with ourselves and others. I like to think those of you who follow my posts are of a like mind. I think that's another price of emotions, empathy and perhaps compassion. Striving to be more compassionate and empathetic has helped me in ways I had not thought possible. 

I used to be a mean girl, tough exterior, but a very sensitive person on the inside, once I decided to allow that to show more the happier I became.  I realize the contradiction in how I presented myself to the world as opposed to "the world outside my window", I think that's why I have over two-hundred posts on that blog reverted to drafts. I keep saying I'll go through them and republish them, yet I have not taken the time to do so. Then again, what is time? lol. I allow myself the space to do so when the appropriate time presents itself, so far that time has not come. Out of two-hundred-seventy-two posts I've published forty-six (smh); I hope that sheds a light on the level of overwhelm I feel when even thinking about going through them all. Some I know I will not republish because they are far too personal and should have been in a journal rather than for public view. Others, I think it's the level of vulnerablitiy I was once too shy to allow that side of me to be expressed to the "world". I think I will republish them in increments, allowing my higher self to guide the way. With that being said, feel free to view some of the posts from previous years to see the journey from where it began.

Peace & Blessings to you all

Kamille 💗✨