pass the dutchie

"pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side"

~musical youth, pass the dutchie

The aroma of reefer fills the room and the song plays inspiring the writer within. I've decided to stop smoking cigarettes and stick solely to marijuana, in the past I only smoked sativa leaving me with an overstimulated pineal gland. After over five years of exclusively partaking in sativa, my third eye took me on a trip I never want to experience again. I have now embraced the benefits of hybrid and indica strains, smoking sativa sparingly. After prayer, meditation, research and an honest chat with myself I've decided to begin hiking... well, walking as a start, but when I think of it, hiking is basically walking with a purpose. In addition I intend to begin juicing and I've even found some herbs which will assist with the goal of stopping smoking. I made a point to avoid the word "quit" or "quitting" smoking as we have been indoctrinated with negative connotations in regard to the word "quit" so I prefer to say I am stopping instead. 

I have a friend who is committed to this aspect of my journey as he is also on a journey of healing, fitness and the like. So far the plan is to begin on Monday and go three times a week, the days chosen works well for anxiety as it is during the work week when most are obviously at work, meaning less people on the trails. In addition to the luxury of early morning walking I figure it will be a great way to begin each day and week. The best part about the hike scheduled for this week is that there is a waterfall in the midst of the trail. Some of you may know how much I love water as a close second to the Moon. When I say water, I'm referring to the ocean, lakes, waterfalls and such. The energy and flow of the moving water brings me such clarity and calmness, for example when I visit the beach and enjoy the time spent there. 

I have found a new desire to elevate my commitment and focus concerning my health, as I approach a new age I am reminded of a goal I had in mind for my next milestone age; which is a year and a few months away. Beginning Sunday, I have some things to add to my routine which will contribute to those goals. I will admit, I am excited! The best part for me is I do not feel as if this is a fad, I feel intrigued to see myself a year from now with various changes; or should I say, improvements or enhancements. I've been researching juicing for some time and years ago I curated a "vision board", which consisted of various goals, including healthy, glowing skin along with a degree and some other personal goals I'd rather not share as they are sacred to me. Anyway, as many of you may know I've returned to college; so the degree is on its way. With hiking, juicing, stopping cigarettes and returning to my spiritual practices such as "sacred time", which consists of prayer and meditation; sometimes with music, other times with devotional type material in addition to Full and New Moon rituals, tarot reading, astrology, astronomy and embracing my crystals.

Interestingly I typically choose not to write about my plans however, today I feel as if the power of putting my intentions in writing will allow me to see the success I envision as I figure out this aspect of my journey. In years prior I neglected my physical body while enhancing my spiritual body, but micromanaging my emotional and mental health. As of today I am more in tune with myself and the understanding of nurturing my whole self (mind, body, soul and spirit). Embracing certain attributes while striving to be the best version of myself is not something I am entering into lightly. I've given much thought, tears, research and now dedication to seeing the woman of my dreams become my reality. As I ponder lighting the third pre-roll of my writing session I realize the song has ended yet the queue is filled with reggae music. This is a first as I typically listen to random music with no set genre in mind or rotation.

I am unsure what was sparked in me, however, for me to write two complete expressions in one session has been a long time coming. I believe it is the determination to be better that has me more focused and able to embrace the words I'd like to share. Unfortunately, I've gotten hungry and a bit sleepy so I'm going to take a break and see what comes to mind to share once I awaken...

Moonchild

"The moon is a loyal companion.

It never leaves. It's always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it's a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. 

Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfection."

~Teheran Mafi, Shatter Me

I feel this quote captures my love for the Moon in its entirety. As some of you know, I fell in love with the Moon many Summers ago; interestingly enough it was around the time I was eleven or twelve, maybe thirteen. I know I was at least eleven and it was Summer, I stood outside while doing laundry and was mesmerized by the Full Moon. The Moon was gigantic, bright and Full; almost the fullest I've ever seen it. I stood under the Moonlight with my "best friend" at the time, we had been friends since I was five and she was six; unfortunately our friendship ended as we became teenagers. I've only had a few "best friends" after her before retiring the term from my vocabulary. I've had three "best friends", the first two disappeared; well ghosted before that was a thing and the third is no longer with us. Since he passed I've refrained from claiming anyone as my "best friend" that is until someone proclaimed themselves as such only to disappoint as the first two had. This is my reasoning for retiring the term altogether.

As the Moon orbits Earth, I feel enchanted. Although from my location only a partial eclipse will be visible however, I am anticipating the energy it will exude. As this eclipse calls for introspection I feel as if it is perfect timing for the journey I find myself on. It's as if many things are aligning to assist and guide me as I find myself fumbling less often than in previous years. Having a better understanding of the spiritual meaning of eclipses paired with the knowledge gained from my Astronomy course has been extremely beneficial in recent days. Especially as I hold a listening ear to my body and what she needs from moment to moment. Funny how so many random memories from my eleven year old self are coming up once I acknowledged the longing to be heard from within, 

Recently, I saw the numbers 9797 several times in one day; so I looked it up on an app I use called "Angel Numbers" and this is what was revealed:

WHAT NUMBER "9797" MEANS:

The resulting total number is #5:

You are being guided to move in a new direction. Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you.

Angel Power Word:

Listening

Your Angel Number also contains #97:

God is going to deliver a very important message to you. You will receive this message incidentally from another or via some form of audible media such as the television or through a song on the radio. This guidance is called 'Golden Tongued Wisdom'. Pay attention and keep your ears open!

(This number is repeated twice. The message of this number is amplified x20!)

Your Angel Number also contains #79:

God is devoted to surrounding you with love. It's time to open your heart to the 'De-Lightful' wonders that love can deliver. When love is presented allow yourself to accept love and to be loved. God's Angels declare that soon your heart may start to flutter.

I found it interesting that the power word was "listening" and that's what I've been doing for some time now when it comes to my younger self or should I say my "inner child"? Another thing I thought was quite "coincidentally" in alignment with my words as of late was the messages reference to the guidance of a new direction or as I say, journey. When the message speaks of allowing myself to accept love and to be loved, I felt that deeply as thoughts of my support system come to mind. I feel love *queue Donna Summer* I feel surrounded by loved ones; near, far, as well as from the ones who have passed on. The memories of them along with the wisdom they've shared with me has been coming to mind, this go round however, I am tuning in and allowing them [the memories and words] to resonate with my heart and spirit to refresh lessons learned along with messages I may now be in a space to receive. 

In my last post, "smoke in my eye", I spoke of missing the Moon and my lover as I concluded the expression; possibly leaving many of you wondering why I haven't spoken of my lover in some time. I'll start with the Moon, I've seen her many nights in various parts of the sky; yet only on a few occasions was I able to sit with her and embrace her energy while other times she was illusive; as she's known to be. There's a piece of me that feels void when the Moon isn't visible, I feel as if I am incomplete in some way, the some way is unfamiliar to me as I do not have the words to express the emptiness. After running errands and before beginning this expression I searched the sky for her to no avail, however, I did see Jupiter (with my unaided eye). Jupiter is known as the planet of good luck, abundance, balance and a host of other symbolic meanings. I find the sight of Jupiter to be calming and reassuring, as it gives me the push I desire to manifest my dreams so the fact I've seen Jupiter in the night's sky for several weeks now has given me such joy. 

The good thing I realize in this moment is although the Moon alludes me at times, I do not feel abandoned by her, as I know she will return at whichever phase she finds herself in. I feel that way at times, in particular when much time has passed without publishing an expression on the blog or social media. I feel deeply that although I may be quiet at times you all know that I have not abandoned you or my (therapeutic) platforms. Anyhow, back to the Moon and my lover; when I say "I miss my lover" to be honest I could've just spent time with him and I'll miss him already. It's nearly mind boggling how infatuated I find myself, at times I feel like a school girl with her crush and other times I feel like a woman in love. I used to feel silly as in irrational or ridiculous for having such feelings, or rather emotions, now I accept them as a part of my being; from my soul.   

In the not very distant past I thought of our interaction as if we were "star crossed lovers" (iykyk). I don't believe that anymore, I believe we've gone through our ups and downs to bring us together this time with a new appreciation and passion for one another. The passion leaves me speechless yet the parts I could share I feel are sacred which is why I haven't spoke of him in detail much. Like magic an expression I wrote nearly a year ago comes to mind and I am reminded of my word choices and the energy of my thoughts and feelings regarding him... "dark as a thousand midnights" as I allowed the words to consume me and the music to speak the words of my heart I am on memory lane, engulfed in love. 

I desire to remain there...

smoke in my eye

This song ("Young Love" by Cleo Sol) came on and initially I skipped it, then my 11 year old self said “listen to it”; so I did. Next thing I know my eyes are wet. I don’t know if it was the song or I got smoke in my eye.

I especially liked the part that says: "

Little young, girl, don't you cry, I know you're wise, but you've been fooled a few times". 

After a bit of research, I recall I was in the sixth grade doing what sixth graders do, watching popular television shows, like "The Cosby Show" and "Beverly Hills, 90210". I also went to see "Boyz 'n the Hood" with my Dad. I am unsure, but I believe at the time I wanted to be a doctor, then an attorney, later I wanted to be a psychologist. That one stuck for a long time, that is until I entered college as a psychology major and found myself facing various circumstances causing me to drop out.  

Cleo Sol sings:

I know you wanna be someone, you need something more

I am reminded of the young girl who wanted to help others with their troubles and figure out solutions to assist them in "living their best life". I thought it were all possible yet with no guidance I had no idea how it would manifest. I was raised to an extent, the rest of the time I just grew up, finding my way from one situation to another; doing my best not to end up a statistic or stereotype. I had a few "role models" however, they were not "mentors" I simply observed the goings on of their lives and fashioned mine in the ways that resinated and discarded that which I found no connection.

Growing up in South Central, Los Angeles [California] wasn't as bad as the media and some movies depict it as, well as least for a girl. I didn't have to fight or avoid "gangs" as I was not their demographic; so to speak. I was introverted, a bit of a loner, although I had a hand full of friends and somewhat of a nerd. Not much has changed I will admit. However, considering my environment I had "big dreams". I had not yet discovered my passion for writing, but I enjoyed studying and learning new things. At some point I even learned to play tennis and eventually tried gymnastics for a short while. 

So, back to my wet and/or smoke filled eyes. I will not say I was crying, as that involved the water (tears) leaving your eyes and possibly rolling down your face; that did not happen. As some of you know, I don't cry, often. Yet there I was with what seemed to be tears with no place for them to fall. I don't exactly know why I was emotional, because other than what I've shared I don't remember my childhood, another fact that some of you may already know. I believe it was my 11 year old self expressing joy at my attempt to connect with her after so many years. 

I am unsure why that particular age stands out, especially since I don't remember any details of it. Nonetheless, here I am; attempting to learn myself in a new way. A way in which I've never considered until this past week. Of all the ages I've been, something about those pre-teen years make me wish I could go back and redo some things. The hormones of a teenager are something that should be better forewarned, I now see how ill prepared I was for the happenings within my self. 

And here we are, approaching a new age and finally hearing the voice of a younger version of myself that I am unfamiliar with. I decided not to force any memories or thoughts; I figure it's better to allow them to flow naturally, therefore I am in alignment with my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). The ending of the song is what made me replay it several times and Cleo Sol says:

'cause you've got to believe, life's what you want it to be

I imagine myself in my bedroom, writing in my journal about the life I'd like to live and as I sit here now, typing these words I realize how far off the path I am as far as my younger self is concerned. I do not feel sadness or defeat, I instead feel a sense of something unfamiliar. I am not sure of the emotion or feeling I have right now, but I am allowing it to flow through me to teach me whatever it is supposed to teach me. 

A different song plays and I am taken to my 17 year old self, reminded of a boyfriend; interestingly enough, a family member constantly mentions his name, confusing him with my current lover. Their names are similar, but not enough for the confusion. Thoughts of him pass and I am back to my current self, wondering when I intend to smoke my last joint or if I feel like rolling a blunt, which I never feel like rolling blunts. This evening however, is a bit different. particularly because the Moon is no where in sight. I saw her earlier in the day, but now that night has fallen, she's no where to be found; at least from my vantage point. 

I miss the Moon and my lover...

coming into view

I've been doing a modified version of the master cleanse for a couple weeks, rather than abstaining from food for the entire ten days I've chosen to eat small portions when hungry; such as fruit, salad, soup, etc. This method is working so far concerning eczema however, the weight loss aspect is rather slow since that is not the primary focus. I find myself being elevated much easier and longer lasting than when not focusing so much on my health, wellbeing lifestyle. During various periods of my adulthood I've tuned in totally to one aspect of myself while neglecting others, these days I am actively making a conscious effort to maintain a complete evaluation of my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). 

Last night while admiring the Full Moon, I was in awe to see a "Moonbow" in the night's sky. Interestingly enough, I could not remember the exact reasoning until knowledge from my recent Astronomy course came to mind and I was able to gain another explanation of the occurrence. To my surprise the explanation which captured my thoughts on the matter were quite profound with the astronomical lingo learned and embodied in eight short weeks. Next week will be the final week for the course which consists of one final exam. So far in this course I have a B, which is also something that finds me in amazement seeing how this course is like learning a foreign language. 

Also, yesterday I took a trip to the beach; while there I ate a portion of an edible which "kicked in" right about my date with the Moon. The Moon was full and bright, breathtakingly beautiful. Leaving me consumed with thoughts to share with you all. I was eager to write yet my laptop was at home and "writing" from my phone hasn't been done since the days of old, I wouldn't even know how or where to begin...

A while back I kept seeing a particular book in my reality, looking into it a bit I realized I am not ready to dive deeply into the shadow and subconscious self to engage with this book: "The Inner Work: An Invitation to True Freedom and Lasting Happiness." However, as I sat at the beach, the edible began running its course I then began to think of an age, although I don't recall any memories from that time I do remember thinking of the year and age I was at the time. I smiled and felt a sense of happiness, I began to think "If I could go back to any previous age, which age would I choose?" Usually when I ask myself that question I choose a particular age before I began making poor decisions rather than a time of happiness or contentment. This day however, I chose the era of happiness, a time I do not recollect yet the simple thought of being eleven years old again brought a smile to my face; which is a rare occurrence. 

Going back to the book I was interested in, I thought to find another which would focus on the inner child as opposed to the shadow and subconscious. I began to research a book that resinates with me, but that's going to take some time and effort on my part to find the "perfect" book for me. As I think about that, the thought of giving myself a deadline to acquire such book comes to mind and my response was to find it by the start of the year or my date of birth. The aroma of Purple Runtz fills the air, the same as it did last night. Although today it is mixed with Cherry Punch, combining all of the effects of each strain creating a concoction of happiness, excitement, the tingles and relaxation. I actually awoke today with no pain, as some of you may know I was involved in an auto accident late last year and since I've experienced much pain in my shoulder, neck and back. 

Thankfully, today there is no pain, as I mentioned earlier. As I typed those words the pain began... I believe it is due to both strains being hybrid and I don't know the indica to sativa ratio of each or when combined. I will admit the past few weeks I've felt a lot of depression, on the bright side, I've begun my routine of meds, detoxing, nurturing and being mindful of my wellbeing; leaving me feeling better and in alignment to feel the voice of my eleven year old inner child and her sharing moments of happiness with me. I also admit I am looking forward to hearing what she has to reveal to me about myself. As I discussed this happenstance with a friend I discovered my newfound journey, into my self with the assistance of my eleven year old self. 

I am unsure if I've shared this in public however, many of my close friends and family are aware that I do not remember the majority of my childhood. I can recall bits and pieces, but I do not remember if the issues with my memory began before or after the initial anxiety attack in the year 2012. Nevertheless, here I am. Anxiety disorder, depression, eczema, bipolar disorder, and dyslexia. All due to allowing myself to stay too long in unhealthy environments, unbeknownst to me the environments were dysfunctional because they were so familiar. Having an anxiety attack of that magnitude at the initial onset must have some ramifications. I've never thought of that prior to this moment, causing me to feel as if that may be the reason anxiety for me is so heavy. 

With all of that one thing that stands out and perplexes me, is the knowledge of being dyslexic as a writer. I believe that is the reasoning for being stunned by my grades in the English course I've taken thus far. Actually, my college experience this go-round has been beyond my expectation. My first college experience was filled with outstanding circumstances causing me to "drop out". My first attempt to restart my college journey in the year 2015 was filled with anxiety to the extent I could not attend my courses; dropping out again. This time has been very rewarding as I've only received A and B grades thus far. I've known about dyslexia for some time, but it wasn't until this astronomy course that I finally accepted the self-diagnosis. 

As a writer with dyslexia I find it gratifying to write as well as I do with such an impediment. I am unsure how this information coincides with thoughts of my eleven year old self, but I have a feeling it does to an extent. If I am not mistaken, that was the year my family moved from our home to an apartment, of course I do not recall the details however, I already had a friend or two in the neighborhood and attended honors classes at my new school. I believe that was the year I fully understood that I was "different" from my peers, realizing my thirst for knowledge and ability to write. Although I did not share that with others as I felt it was my sacred space. I still feel that way to an extent yet pushing forward I challenge myself to share on various outlets: such as the blogs and social media. 

Once I find the appropriate book for my inner child journey I will let you all know should you choose to join me. As always I would like to thank you all for your support regarding what I share with you. I also hope you take a moment to spend with the Moon, as it will be Full until this Saturday. Or visit nature and ground as we welcome the blessings of the last quarter of the year. Wishing you all peace and wellness.

Until next time.

Kamille 💗

a glance in the mirror

"silence is an ocean. speech is a river. when the ocean is searching for you, don't walk into the river. listen to the ocean."

Rumi

I've been staring at a blank screen for days... well, weeks. My Summer course ended (I got an A-) and I intended to write an expression entitled "schools out for Summer" then too much time passed now that Fall Semester is quickly approaching so I thought I let the window close for that, so here I am in the mood to write with nothing to say (that I know of). I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind, but they are so rapid I can barely decipher one from another. I've been paying a little too much attention to what's going on in current events and I find myself battling depression. I push through it as I have a lot of things that depend on me to get them done so I don't have the opportunity to stay in bed and tune out the world as I would like to do on some days. 

Recognizing areas within myself that I feel is poking me for attention I've decided that it is time for me to make some changes for myself. It feels as if I am beginning to understand the bipolar diagnosis I received some years ago. Dealing with mood swings for the past few weeks I feel as if I've finally moved from the awareness stage and into the allowance phase of acceptance. It's as if today I was able to see the bipolar depression within myself and how it presents itself for me. Although I've been having mood swings I internalize them so much so that I am certain only one or two in my circle have noticed. I had plans today, but realized I was in no mood to interact with others so I rescheduled for tomorrow. I haven't been to the beach in quite some time and rarely spent time with the Moon yet I feel grounded in some way. Hopefully I can make it to the beach one day next week, maybe during the New Moon seeing how it is a good time for introspection and meditation. 

I've been rather silent on social media and in real life, focusing on coursework and building certain relationships while letting go of others.  The coursework has been a good distraction from some thoughts and feelings I have been avoiding, however now that I've had a break from college I feel a bit claustrophobic in my own body or mind. I feel as if I need a reset and a recharge, but there's no days off when you're manifesting the life of your dreams. One of my courses begins on Monday and the other in September, I am not announcing that I'm taking a break however please understand if I don't post much. As some of you know the last part of the year can be a bit difficult for me so I tend to meditate a lot and plan for the New Year. 

Last week my nail technician asked me "when are you going to start taking care of yourself?" she went on to say "you take care of everyone else..." all I could say was "you're right", but as the days have gone by her words stuck in my mind. Realizing how much I do for others in my life yet when it comes to myself I'll say things like "I'll do it tomorrow" or dismiss it as if it's not important. I am beginning to understand where this stems from however this is not the outlet for that revelation or perhaps it is just not the time. I considered returning to therapy or have another session with my tarot reader. I find that the past few therapist I've had failed to establish a rapport and although I know it's a "safe space" I don't feel as if I truly am as they have not provided any corrective or constructive criticism. They continue to tell me how "great" I'm doing despite what I'm saying I feel which irritates me. 

Lately, Frosted Cherry Cookies has been a life saver! I feel as if it has been keeping me relaxed, at least on the exterior and allowing me to remain somewhat "cool" and not snappy with those around me. Tomorrow I have plans to take myself to lunch and a few other errands aside from that I must skim through my textbook for next weeks chapters to get a head start. I thought by returning to college I was focusing on myself, I'm realizing I've been nurturing my intellectual aspect of myself while allowing my spiritual and physical to feel a bit abandoned. It seems since the onset of these diagnoses (anxiety, depression and bipolar) there's constantly something being neglected while I give my attention to the "squeaky wheel". Then once that matter is resolved there's a list of others requiring my attention. I miss the days when I was a well-balanced person with nearly everything going well for myself. 

I even asked myself if it were some way possible I could return to "that" person and the answer, unfortunately is "no". I now have conditions which require an overwhelming effort to remain sane, there's no way I can do certain things which will disrupt that. I believe that's where the acceptance comes in, although it makes me a bit angry I must accept that things are vastly different with the inability to return to the way things were therefore I have no choice but to get to a place where I can fully accept the way things have changed and allow myself to meditate and pray about the vision of my future. Since I am enrolled online for my course my professor instructed us to write a paragraph introducing ourselves to one another in the class. One part of the assignment she asked us to share our daydreams (optional) I choose not to acknowledge that part of the assignment. 

Doing a bit of an introspection as well as a quick survey I asked a couple friends to describe my personality, I know that I am a shy person (in person) however I was a little overwhelmed with how shy I come across. Unfortunately it's not something I believe I can improve, partly because I don't want to (to an extent) in addition to the fact that I don't quite know how to overcome my shyness. In this moment I have a thought that I want some writer friends, where I can bounce writing ideas off of one another and provide constructive criticism on our work. Then I remember why that isn't as appealing as it first seemed. The truth is, I don't enjoy reading much of what others choose as topics; from experience in my English courses then I think perhaps It would be a little different when it's for enjoyment rather than coursework. 

I want to begin hiking again, however that is not an activity I would like to do alone and with Covid back on the horizon I am not inclined to do so with strangers. I also want to do a cleanse, I want to detox my body and make some changes to my eating habits which reminds me of how unsafe our food is these days, it's sickening to know that even fruit and vegetables have been contaminated with pesticides, wax, etc... I won't go down that train of thought, but I am disgusted which agitates the bipolar triggers. The fact that many of the "vitamins" aren't even what they say they are and the food is all never mind. A song that I really like came on which is bringing my mood to a better space and it feels "right on time". It feels good to write after so much time has passed, I'm beginning to feel as if I've said enough for now. So until next time, be well.

on my mind

I began this expression several times, deleting the words written for various reasons. Yesterday I was awakened at 2:22 a.m., rather than returning to my dreams I decided to "stay up and write", it was 5:00 a.m. before there were finally words on the screen. Then I thought to research the angel number 222, which spoke of balance, harmony, manifestation and other things that have been on my mind in recent days, months I should say. Since returning to college I have been more mindful of my writing and my voice, wanting to express the creative aspect of myself and enjoying the feeling of writing what's in my heart or on my mind without a deadline or grade attached. A week or two ago I discovered purple runtz, to my surprise I enjoy it, which is what I had the morning during the time between wanting to write and actually writing. Although it is described to have arousing properties, I chose to harness that energy and transmute it into creativity for the purpose of writing something. 

For the past few years I have had dreams of winning the lottery and what I'd do or how my daily life would change. The main objective for this desire isn't to be wealthy; although that is a huge bonus, for me it's more about the financial freedom and such. It wasn't until recently I began to put forth an effort to win, for years I'd tell myself "you can't win if you don't play" yet reluctant to buy the ticket. I don't know why or when that changed for me, but I am glad the change was made. The significance of angel numbers has increased since my initial knowledge of them, I see certain numbers quite often; not overwhelmingly so. Oftentimes I see numbers associated with luck and abundance, which has aided in my willingness to play and having some success. I feel as if I have a lot of time to fantasize, which I embrace most of the time, other times I find myself bored. Which is something I should revisit, because as a friend said recently "you act like you don't have a whole book to write"; those times of boredom should be spent writing said book however, I don't want to feel forced. That's the thing about me, when writing it has to feel organic and inspired; I don't want to feel like writing is a job where I'm forcing the thoughts onto the page. 

A few days ago I found myself annoyed and impatient regarding the course I'm taking for Summer semester, I currently have ten assignments waiting to be graded and I feel it's quite unprofessional of my professor to take so long to grade them. Overall, I think the professor is a good one aside from a couple annoyances; such as the time it takes to receive grades on assignments. My counselor suggested I not take the second course I had in mind, because Summer semester is accelerated and I may become overwhelmed. The reason I chose to listen was because I am obsessed with grades, gpa's and the like; so the idea that I'd become overwhelmed and not do my best was not worth it. So here I am, in one course, bored and impatiently waiting for each new assignment to be posted. So far I have a B+ which should be an A if said assignments were graded, but I have no choice but to wait until that happens. Aside from college my days have been pretty full while remembering to schedule time for self-care. Although this Summer hasn't had a lot of "fun", I am enjoying it nonetheless.

Speaking of self-care, my body is telling me to take a nap and I am choosing to listen; hopefully when I awake I'll have the words to complete this expression... 

Feeling rested and a bit high the effects of the purple runtz has begun to run its course, feelings of euphoria fill my being while the headache I had is beginning to disappear. My favorite Pink Floyd song plays and I am in a trancelike state, embodying the feelings I'd anticipate when winning the lottery, awaiting my assignments for this week as well as my lover's return. Finally finding information about the strain,  oasis mentioned in the expression, purpose and pressure. I just smoked a preroll and noticed what I had written, my brain connected the two and I had the thought I'd find information about it. I also have a yearning to speak with my tarot advisor and to do a tarot reading for myself, I haven't planned out the coming week so I don't know the best day and time to do so as of yet; the thing about the yearning is I don't know what is in my heart to know. 

I had the thought to brainstorm in a private journal and see what's in my heart requiring clarity, I may do that while I await the weeks assignments. Anxiety is on the horizon as I anticipate what the week has in store along with my intentions for it, Goapele's "Closer" comes on and the lyrics are inspiring in this moment. Especially as she speaks about being closer to her dreams and seeing them in her sleep; which I spoke of experiencing earlier in this expression. I love the synchronicity of the music, angel numbers, astrology, etc., I am seeing these days. I feel aligned with myself while noticing areas in need of my attention. Funny another word for synchronicity would be harmony, another thing as I've mentioned is coming up more often.  

As it seems we are in a depression I am conflicted when I have feelings of happiness knowing what's happening in the Supreme Court with all their unfair rulings, the housing crisis, the continuation of racism and discrimination, inflation, etc., When I keep my mind on the bubble which is my life I am content until I peek out of said bubble and realize the country is in shambles, although some are benefiting from the chaos. The unfairness of life (for many) is maddening! I pray for change, the kind that is long lasting; as the actors and writers strike I feel if done correctly that is possibly a start in the right direction and other industries may follow suit. Where is the voice of our citizen's who like me, are ready for the government to get their foot off of our necks? I pray for a better society, one where racism, discrimination and other unfair practices cease to exist. I don't know if that is idealistic, but something has got to change in our favor!

I know I'm a bit all over the place, I know I don't usually speak on politics or social issues, but today that is a part of what's on my mind and I find myself overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. Going back into my dreams and feelings of happiness in an attempt to prevent depression within myself. Still awaiting grades and avoiding boredom I am at a loss for words, not quite writer's block, but something like it after I've gotten this far. I took a break from writing and had a fun time at the park, smoking and playing cards. Still waiting for these assignments and grades, I'm going to be patient and give it until tomorrow afternoon to see what's what. 

The afternoon has come and gone, it's almost tomorrow and still no grades, feedback or new assignments for my course. I would be frustrated, but it gives me time to work on other projects and write this expression. Currently awaiting food I feel a bit restless yet overwhelmed. In need of another outlet for my creativity; which may be the root cause of the restlessness. I've decided to take a break from my work; I figure I'll wait for my food to arrive, complete this expression, eat, smoke then get back to it. On the verge of becoming hangry I attempt to check-in with myself as to why I am feeling so emotional, the answer soon comes and I don't know how to combat it in this moment. I believe the social problems expressed earlier, being hungry and not winning the Powerball are all swirling around in my head and as I must wait for the delivery, I again feel helpless.

As I prepare to get back to work I feel better for having gotten those thoughts off my mind.

Until next time.

smoke in the city

 “let the beauty we love be what we do.“

Rumi

In my last expression I spoke about wondering if writing inspirational books was the path for me and quite honestly I am still unsure. My initial thought is that I don't want to come across as if I am preaching at my audience, especially since I don't like that feeling of having a writer "preach" to me when I'm reading their work. The more thought I give it, the more I think that is not the path I'd like to journey upon. I acknowledge that when I post my expressions I like to have a positive outlook or outcome regarding the thoughts I've shared or at least hopefulness, maybe even a bit of uplifting however I don't see that as inspirational. Perhaps I need to rethink what inspirational is and how it may fit my style of writing. 

Summer is officially here and my class is going well; much easier than I anticipated however, there's about 3 weeks remaining so time will tell if it remains as such. American "Independence Day" has come and gone leaving clouds of smoke in the city; although I don't technically celebrate the day, I put my own smoke in the air in the form of Cherry Punch. The heat was overwhelming, causing my plans to be interrupted. Nevertheless, it was a good day filled with cannabis, good food and good company. 

When thinking of my writing and the amount of writing I've been doing for college, I am realizing how much I love writing. Especially when I am challenged to write about meaningful topics that I don't necessarily discuss in my daily life. Such as the Supreme Court overturning Affirmative Action and cancelling student loan debt, two rulings that may affect me at some point of my college career. It's interesting that those rulings occurred days before celebrating "freedom" in this country. Not necessarily shocking, but noteworthy as those who need these programs the most will be the ones to suffer because of them. Taking away the freedom to choose a college or university that may not have accepted us solely because of our race, gender, socioeconomic status, etc., while "legacy admissions" is a thing is mind-blowing. 

I am happy to have found something I love which could someday generate income, which is one step closer to financial freedom and success. I only wish I had discovered this desire to write when I was much younger, however, life happens as it should. At least that's a philosophy I abide by; to an extent. Even with that belief I find myself at times questioning the course of my journey and wondering "what is going on?" not much of the "why is this happening?" anymore. I trust God and the universe to guide and protect me yet there are times I am unsure of the guidance I am receiving or interpreting. Like now, with the state of my affairs, I am curious as to where I am on my path and the destination of my journey. Although (at times) I am "enjoying the ride" I am often confused about the "balance" of things going well opposed to things that are not going as I would have intended. 

I believe it's safe to say that many of us have heard the saying "find what you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life", I've worked many days, since I was a teenager (14 years old to be specific) resulting in an anxiety attack forcing me to retire well before retirement age. I used to question "why did this happen to me?" now I embrace the time I have to write, return to college and fill my days as I choose. Balancing mental health issues is a "job" within itself, managing my hormones, mood and overall well-being all while "making it look easy" is tougher than I ever imagined. Needless to say, it is my life therefore I must continue on the journey I find myself on whether it's tough or less difficult. With each course I take I am recognizing the love I have for writing is growing stronger with each assignment, finding myself anxious for the next module to open and pride in myself when I accomplish the task and receive the grades I am satisfied with.

The thought came to mind, it's crazy to me that we celebrate freedom yet the courts are doing everything they can to strip us of those very freedom's many fought and died for.  I digress. 

Last week I was encouraged to "write a book, please" and rather than the usual feelings of overwhelming anxiety to my surprise I felt a bit inspired. I thought of a semi-autobiographical book beginning with the first expression I made "public", titled "How Did I Get Here?". The thought that overwhelms me is, that expression speaks about a place in my life where I made changes to my lifestyle and found happiness; which isn't what overwhelms me, what does is the fact that the "story" isn't over. I haven't reached a level of success to share, so once I tell how I got here (as of 2012) what do I fill the remaining chapters with? The struggles of the past 10+ years with anxiety disorder, depression and bipolar disorder? Although I have not experienced the trauma of hospitalization in quite a few years, navigating through daily life brings upon it's on struggles as those things (anxiety disorder, depression and bipolar disorder) aren't circumstances a person "overcomes", we manage and maintain balance. 

So, what do I write about? Especially since every person dealing with these issues have unique experiences and although some may relate, perhaps many will not. Which scares me because I'd like to do well as an author; how can that happen with low book sales? Then I wonder, am I "putting the cart before the horse"? Last month there was a surge in readership on this blog as well as the original; which surprised me, I recall saying in an expression (I don't recall which) that I write and share without concerning myself of "how many" readers there are, I share because my words may help someone along their journey, even if that someone is me. I think I should keep that philosophy in mind when thinking about book sales and such. The fulfillment of accomplishing that goal may be satisfaction enough or I may be surprised as I was with last months "stats". 

As night becomes dawn, I am still awake; fireworks are still filling the sky with smoke and I am almost out of words to share. I have an early morning planned yet sleep alludes me, I pray I'll be able to get enough rest to feel able to make my first unscheduled "appointment" which is taking Rocko to the groomer. He had a hell of a day with the noise of the fireworks in addition to eating his little heart out and roaming the backyard. His coat shows he had a lot going on; so I figure I'd give him a "Rocko Appreciation" Day. Since it's rather impromptu I am hoping the groomer will accept us as "walk-ins" and I won't make the hour long drive in vain... I opted out of that plan as he has an appointment scheduled for Saturday and I wouldn't be wasting time, energy and gas driving and possibly not being seen. 

It feels like Monday yet the week is half-way over; I have to replan my day, seeing how my assignments for completed for this week maybe I'll go to the beach. Hmm I believe I already have a beach day planned for the week along with a trip to the farmer's market, I've gone to the beach multiples days in the week before so that isn't unheard of. Often thinking of what else there is to do in the city; however, I have yet to find anything of interest so I haven't done much this Summer. As smoke fills the air I am thinking about next week, which is the day my Dad passed; July 12, 2018... but I'll save that for another expression. I don't know what I plan to do to celebrate his memory, focusing on the time spent and lessons learned from him rather than mourning or grieving. 

I miss my Dad. I am often reminded of some of the last words he spoke to me, letting me know how proud he was of me and I know how encouraging he would be about my writing and book ideas. Although Mother's and Father's Day have long gone, if your parents are still here and you have a relationship with them I encourage you to love on them especially when it's unexpected because you never know when that time will come. I wish I had more time with my Dad, but I have memories that make me smile and photos to reminisce. This expression is a bit all over the place and I think I've ventured off topic, but that's what happens when you allow the fingers to speak what your heart says. Maybe that's why the idea of writing a book right now keeps coming up? Perhaps there's a "story" in my heart that wants to be heard?

Until next time...

purpose and pressure

I've been consumed with my course work, preventing me from having the concentration to tap into myself and find the words to share. I've missed you all... I've been fascinated with the latest strain I've tried, Oreoz; good for anxiety, stress and depression, from my experience. It's been a while since I've been able to be creative and I've missed that aspect of myself. Not even writing in my personal journals, just calendars and course work. I began this expression late February/ early March with rarely the time or thoughts to share. After completing Spring semester I had a thought to write something for "fun". So here we are...

Lately, I've been smoking Cereal Milk and the effects have been as described minus the negatives. I believe it's what's inspired me to write recently; unfortunately, I don't know what to say. So much time has passed without being in a creative space, I seem to have forgotten how to tap into in to it. Seeing how my Summer course began and I passed my Spring courses with "good" grades, I decided to "celebrate" with a drink and some Alien OG. Since I took an impromptu break from my meds the cannabis is helping with my moods, for the most part. However, I do intend to begin the regimen soon; each time I've taken a break I know it's too long when I can pinpoint how the medication keeps me "balanced". 

I've found a new strain called "The Oasis", however I have yet to find any information online to share with you. The effects have been good for anxiety, stress, depression and even has some sprinkles of arousal mixed in. Attempting to find the words to share thoughts of my lover enter my mind, however I don't want to share those details in this expression... As you know, well those of you who have been around for a while and some of you may be learning, I make a conscious effort to write from my heart and let the words flow as they may without much editing and no censoring. Which is why I desire to share something else even if I haven't recognized what that is yet.

Listening to music and smoking, tapping into myself for the words to share; where is the inspiration? I seemed to have lost or forgotten what inspires me these days. I took a moment to read the definition of inspire as well as inspiration and the definition confused me a bit because it was far different than what I've always thought it to mean. I am not inspired, even with taking various courses; although I have a goal in mind I am not totally aiming for that. Initially I began taking courses out of boredom, then I felt challenged by the work which made me want to do my best and get the grades I know I could achieve. Each course being more challenging than the last, I want to see how far I can go even if the degree is not the prize for me. The prize for me is to write books, I know that with the knowledge about writing that I am learning I will be a better writer; the issue is what type of books do I want to write?

I read a lot of self-help and "inspirational" style books, I don't know if that's my lane or if I would like to venture off into fiction. I recall years ago beginning the synopsis of a book I had in mind which would be loosely based on various events I'd experienced. I believe I had a title, then I got overwhelmed with the process of developing the story. To be honest that's another reason I'm taking various English courses; to eventually bring that book or another to life. A moment passes as the last sentence ended and I have a thought about purpose, again. What is the purpose of this unwritten book? Which then takes me to the thought of my purpose, as usual. 

I feel pressure, to create something long lasting, even though I have not discovered what that would be. The pressure isn't coming from within so I've ignored it for as long as I could yet it's coming up again and I am addressing it to an extent. Thoughts of failure comes to mind, I won't go into that in this expression, but I am aware that it is a concept that is mixed in with the pressure I feel to be "successful". A lot of what is considered failure and success comes from one's perspective and priorities, I believe. One person's view on success and failure is relative to another person's thoughts or ideas; although the topic is the same the outlook differs from person to person. 

At times I feel as if I've failed myself for not having written a book yet, realizing I don't have a deadline to do so; I ask myself if that is an excuse? Or perhaps I should give myself a (realistic) deadline? The thing is, I am taking steps to shorten the gap between now and a finished product; by taking courses within my craft to better myself. I have books on "How to Write" and such, but it wasn't until my first few assignments that I learned some new things about writing. Then the question enters my mind and I am a bit perplexed because in all these years I've never asked myself, "why do you write?" then "why do you share what you write?" Which takes me right back to purpose...

It's as if that question is ever-present; what is my purpose? 

I don't expect the answer to come to me in this moment, it would be great if it did; but how do you know when something you do is your purpose in life? I don't recall when I realized I am a "good writer"; what I do know is that it was late in life so I never considered it to be my purpose. I've had journals since around the 9th grade, one of the first began in an English class where apart of our participation was that for the first (approximately) 10 minutes of class we'd all write in our journals and at the end of a specified period of time we'd turn them in and the teacher would read and grade them. The teacher I had was a woman, I don't recall her name, but I do recall her giving me feedback or writing comments about my expressions. However, she didn't outright say "You should become a writer" I feel as if she had maybe I would have recognized it earlier causing the shape of my life to be different. Honestly, had someone in my life during my developmental years took an interest in my gifts, talents and interests rather than consistent criticism who knows the choices I would have made. 

Looking back I feel as if I made the best choices I could with the information I had at those times. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20"; knowing what I know now there are a lot of choices I would have done differently. I don't dwell on those thoughts, rather I look for ways to create opportunities for myself with the idea of becoming the Woman I truly know is within me. The past (nearly) 11 years of my life has been a rollercoaster, even with the blogs there's so much I excluded or gave vague references to what I may have been experiencing. The development of Anxiety Disorder and Depression, then discovering being Bipolar absolutely took me by surprise, especially with the complexity of these conditions. 

The music jumps from genre to genre and I am allowing the vibe to allow the words to flow without censorship, which is what I was hoping would happen when I decided to build upon this expression (which has been in the works for months). I completed my assignment for this week, which leaves me with days to fill with whatever my heart desires. I've gone to the beach twice and spent some time with the Moon, two things I love yet have not made time for lately. I will admit, I feel much better the past few days than I have in months. After getting this far in my writing, I like that I was able to get these thoughts out however, I have get to think of a title; I know it's coming I just have to be patient. 

This expression is much longer than I intended yet after months of nothing I suppose it was inevitable. I would like to take the time to acknowledge the drastic increase in readership this past month, even with nothing recent to report until now. Hello, to all of the newbies who are discovering my words as well as those of you who are familiar with my writing. I hope you all are well and safe while the "pandemic" is "over". Some, like myself are still adjusting to the new normal of it all while others have been outside for a while. As the first week of Summer has begun I am excited for what it has to offer, with beach dates; enjoying the outdoors and all that comes with such...

Until next time

surrounded by clouds

 "you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings."

Elizabeth Gilbert

I feel as if I rushed the completion of the expression prior to this one; it seemed to be a lot, and I had more thoughts coming in so I figured I'd begin again. Pandora is playing many of my favorite songs and the vibe is nice in the atmosphere; as I feel the movements of the retrogrades and direct stations of the planets and their influence on us. In addition to the ending of "Capricorn Season", which is one of my favorites as well. It seemed as if it would rain today, but only in some areas; unfortunately mine was not one of them. 

In the previous expression I mentioned being thankful for my blessings and stumbled upon this quote speaking exactly what my sentiment was when writing earlier. I believe I have now awakened to the opportunities my prayers have manifested, the tarot spread I read weeks ago has stuck with me. I only wish I had documented the reading so I could refer to it in times such as now. The thought of reading a spread now has dawned on me and I realize I need to center myself in order to interpret the cards accurately. 

There's a time of morning when it is believed to be the optimal time for prayer and meditation, between the hours of 4 and 6 o'clock. I recognize it as "sacred time" and try to do those things at that time each day. I now know that I have to actually "participate relentlessly" in manifesting my prayers in anticipation of the blessings to come. I've heard of praying fervently, however I never looked up its meaning until moments ago; now that it has come to my understanding, how could I not embrace it? 

Aside from a couple of things I had to ask myself "where is my passion?" and I have yet to come across the answers. The idea enters my mind to transmute the energy directed to finding my passions, and redirect it to my prayers and meditations. I am often inspired by music, poetry, quotes and such; "island on the Moon" was inspired by a song by Lonnie Liston Smith, titled "island in the sun". The smooth notes of the song sends to me a calmer, more relaxed realm. I feel at peace with myself and my surroundings; deciding to read a tarot spread and meditate on the outcome in a moment. 

My second course; Music Appreciation began and I am happy to dive in and begin completing assignments along with those for my English course. I have plans to visit the beach soon as well as the anticipation of the Full Moon and New Moons. I haven't performed any New or Full Moon "rituals" for quite some time, something I may remedy soon. I began writing today after about a couple of months where I was more focused on other things that took time, energy and attention away from the blog. I feel good while I'm writing; the joint I smoked moments ago is beginning to "kick in" and I am feeling the happy, tingly effects mentioned on Leafly regarding the strain Frosted Cherry Cookies. 

A lot of time has passed since I began this expression and so much has happened, however that's a story for another time. I have yet to read the tarot, but I did read my horoscope for January on Astrology Zone... As mentioned earlier, a lot is going on in my life right now so I have yet to read February's horoscope although March is right next door. In this moment I feel consumed with school work; as if every moment should be spent on assignments, I've made a mental note to dive deep within to discover why that is. 

I've been feeling overwhelmed for quite some time now, I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders to the extent of feeling a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. I know the area is sensitive since the car accident I had in December. Slight back ache, but that is to be expected during this time. Even after acknowledging my obsession with school, I found myself working on an assignment that isn't even open yet. I need a bit of a head start due to mental health issues (anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder). I've been thinking about my mental health lately and recognizing areas in need of my attention; seeing ways I am different since being diagnosed many years ago. 

As usual I've written thus far and have yet to think of a title. There's no music playing, but I have been able to tune it out and focus on what I am doing and intending as I know I am also sending prayers and meditations to the Most High as I am writing. I am paying attention to my anxiety levels and thankfully I have not had many symptoms of depression. I still don't fully understand bipolar disorder, but it seem to be at bay as well. 

Another smoke session and I am beginning for feel relaxed and the anxiety is fluctuating between mid and low. As I took a quick break from writing I discovered a quote by Mary Oliver which says "keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable". I feel as if that goes nicely with the initial quote at the top of this expression, thoughts of my goals, dreams and aspirations fill my heart as I pray for favor, forgiveness and grace. After this expression I intend to meditate of my prayers and await a word from the Lord. 

I smoked two pre-rolls and I feel loose, even with the tension which is confusing, but "it is what it is" as of now. I want to take a moment and acknowledge you all for checking in on me as well as reading the blogs even when I haven't posted in a while. It means a lot when I notice viewership increasing monthly, yearly... and I am delighted to see something I've written helps another or myself as I go back to the words and feelings of when they were written. 

I often ask myself "what is the Moon doing?" then look at my Moon apps and discover her phase, astrological placement as well as some insights of the meaning of those things. I haven't been as dedicated to keeping up with the Moon and astrology. Something I tend to remedy in the near future. A few distractions are on the horizon and I will end things here. I hope you and your loved ones are well.

Until next time...

island on the Moon

“A soul Moon appeared in the path of my heart. How precious is this journey.” 

Rumi

Plans didn't go as expected so I had to pivot, I will say I am happy with my decision. I spent New Year's smoking pre-rolls, eating gummy's and enjoying quality time with loved ones. I've been "elevated" ever since, feeling euphoric with a bit of insightfulness. Recently I was thinking back on my blessings and progress from years past until present times, I remember when I was posting from my phone; I'd write and publish each expression and over time there were those of you reading my words. I am grateful for it, as simple as that may be it feels monumental for me. I believe in recognizing circumstances of adversity and acknowledging the overcoming of them and remaining in a space of gratitude. 

I saw rainbows the past few nights, they were beautiful, visited the beach and I also spent time with the Moon. So many of my favorite things all in a short span of time. The music is playing with a cloud of smoke in the air... As I prepared to interact with society I made sure to balance my chakra's, meditate, pray and such prior to leaving my home. I feel a heightened sense of intuitiveness, finding various tarot spreads crossing my path and finally having the time, space and energy to read a few. The rain is refreshing, especially when I don't have to drive in it. Relaxing at home with Rocko; edibles and the like, enjoying the days as they unfold. 

Reflecting on my beginning as far as my passion for writing and where I find myself today I am thankful for this ability to share my heart with you all and the wonderful feedback received over the years. I began my English course, initially I was intimidated by the workload and my expectation of myself to sustain my current gpa, I completed the first assignment and feel a bit more confident in my ability to do my best and challenge myself to be better. As the thoughts of school begin to affect my current state of being, I decide to read the tarot and meditate of the findings. The cards spoke of change and opportunity, as I take an introspective look; I realize my life is full of change and opportunity these days and I now know I must empower myself to dive in. 

It's time to light more incense while Roy Ayers plays in the background; the breeze from the open window is calming, refreshing and awakening. While several planets are retrograde and stationing direct soon; I can feel the energy of it all, I find myself caught between various states of being. Sade sings and I lose train of the thought I was on, reminding me to stay in the moment; and be free of worry and doubt while focusing on the opportunities that are ahead. 

I feel surrounded by love, so much so that I've decided just now to have a Kamille Appreciation Day; today. I've been indulging in self-care for the past few weeks yet I have not taken a full day to simply pamper myself. As my new age approaches I feel excited for my birthday! To date I have not solidified any plans, but I think I want to keep things low-key and celebrate with Rocko. Last year I had a kind of party and although I enjoyed it, I can not see myself allowing others to "throw" a party each year; especially when it isn't a "milestone" year. 

I think of past times, which aren't much because I've lost many of my memories from my previous lives. I find myself analyzing the tarot spread I finished moments ago and what the cards said in response to my intentions and prayers. What's interesting to me is once I accepted the journey I find myself on life seems ebb and flow as if controlled by the Moon, like the sea. I've returned home from running errands and I am ready to unwind; maybe smoke a joint or take a bite of an edible. I've decided to eat the rest of the edible I have and allow it to take my mind on an adventure within itself. 

I believe that's where the idea of an "island on the Moon" comes in, being high and thinking of many of my favorite things like the beach, islands, the Moon and so forth. Just me, Rocko and some edibles, maybe a joint or two with music of course. Thinking of the tarot spread as well as ideas for my birthday mixed with the music, incense and breeze from my open window... Another day is here and coming to an end, I will admit, I had a great day; full of unexpected happenings. I like days like this, the weather is perfect for cuddling yet it's not too unpleasant when running errands. I've dubbed next week "Kamille Appreciation Week" as it is the week of my birthday Looking around my room I realize I have a few chores in need of my attention; thinking to myself I'll begin once I'm done smoking. 

Sade is playing again and I feel myself in a "jazzy" type mood; the words come to me and I don't quite understand them, my mind seems a bit overloaded with several ideas attempting to form. I feel myself in a space of awareness that has begun since I begun my end of year practices, I am happy to say that I have maintained them throughout the past few weeks and I am noticing the changes in some habits. 

Purple Haze plays and I am reminded of the partial edible I'd partook of earlier this evening and I am delighted! I took a break to make calls and complete the chores I spoke of earlier. Then Minnie Riperton comes on, followed by Al Green; I have Pandora on "shuffle" so it's interesting how the algorithm is working tonight. I will say the vibe is relaxing and a little thought-provoking. The clutter in my mind has come to an end and I am ecstatic about that. It seems like it's been so long since I've shared with you all. I suppose I'll take this time to say (very belated) Happy New Year!

Although my New Year's plans didn't go as expected, I'm happy I was able to pivot and enjoy the festivities. I've had pre-rolls and edibles ever since the Eve of New Years and I have made a conscious effort to remain in this energy for as long as I can. I have an energy clearing coming up and I am excited to experience it. Things have been in alignment for me even during these retrogrades. I believe it's because I've been more consistent with my spiritual practices as well as balancing my chakra's, prayer and meditation. 

Hopefully I'll be able to share again soon, I guess I wanted to get those thoughts out of my head; that way I can move on to the other number of things occupying space in my mind. In the midst of these thoughts I am also curating a show for Moon Goddess Radio this Sunday. I enjoy playing music and creating a playlist that creates a vibe; I'd like to invite you all to listen, simply download the "AMP" app and search "kingkamille3". 

"How precious is the journey"; pondering upon memorable moments throughout my years on this Earth, I can see how and when I began this journey of spirituality and how it has opened my eyes to various wonders of God's creation, not limited to human's, but the Universe and various elements throughout. I feel like registering for an Astronomy course, nevertheless that day will come as it is on my list of courses to complete. Instead I remind myself to focus on the two courses I have scheduled and do my best to receive "good grades". 

For some reason, it has taken weeks to complete this expression and all of the events mentioned have come and gone, including my birthday; which was nice. Not too much happened, but I "celebrated" nonetheless. Now that the gummy I just took is beginning to take effect, I felt the desire to write and complete the thoughts above. Although this expression is longer than I expected I am happy with the outcome, I hope you enjoyed it as well. 

Until next time...

so long 2022

I woke up a few minutes before 3am, I ate another gummy; now I'm awaiting it to "kick in" so I can feel the effects. Soon after eating it I had a thought, "I want to write, but I don't know what to say"' so here I am. As Roy Ayers plays in the background singing about the third eye I feel myself focusing on my own third eye or intuition. I am happy to say I've been better at "listening" to my intuition this year, however there have been some pivotal times when I did not. I am using those instances as "lessons learned". 

I began this expression a few days ago, not knowing what I wanted to share; and honestly I still don't. I feel as if I am one with myself these days, I know that may sound strange; but I feel whole. A feeling I haven't felt in quite sometime; honestly since the diagnosis of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorders. For years, I felt as if I would never feel like "myself" again; and although managing these disorders is a "full time job" I am beginning to see myself as I never have. I am feeling love and loved, first extended to myself and then to others; I also feel it reciprocated. 

I feel my intuition is nearly as strong as it was prior to the trauma which caused the initial anxiety attack back in 2012. I feel stable; with the proper medication, meditation, prayer and other natural remedies. After 10 years I feel as if I have the right concoction to keep me going in a good way. I will admit, I didn't think that was possible when I was first diagnosed due to the language the doctors spoke. Now I have a ton of ways to cope and reduce "triggers"; not that nothing triggers me anymore, I think I just handle them better and make sure I take the necessary "me time" when they are experienced. 

As I am sitting here, the thought to start the New Year reading Sacred Woman, by Queen Afua along with completing the corresponding journal crossed my mind. I believe it's the right time seeing how I purchased the set in 2016. I've tried to begin that journey yet for whatever reason I have not successfully completed it. I believe I feel with my new age approaching this may be the right time. Although I'll be out of town in the New Year; I can begin it on the 3rd day which doesn't take too much time away from a good start. Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel as if I have taken so much time to begin it because I felt it would challenge some of my thoughts and habits; the ones I was not ready to "give up". 

I believe I am now in a space where I can challenge those things about myself and take some necessary steps to living a more holistic lifestyle. I've dabbled in the pescatarian lifestyle some years ago, but fell off and I don't even remember what happened to change that. However, now I feel as if I can give up chicken, beef and turkey and stick to a pescatarian diet. I want to see results in my weight loss journey and I know certain things are hindering that. Maybe I'll transition to vegetarian or vegan in the years to come; I am. open to it.

As a milestone age approaches in a few years I feel like taking some steps to being the woman I envision myself to be, I see myself inching closer to her with each year that passes and I am so proud of myself for not regressing back to the person I was prior to accepting this journey I find myself on. I've always been "spiritual" in a sense, but it's been about 17 years since I really begun learning and growing into spirituality and 10 years since I experienced an "awakening" that changed my life.

I recall being in my room in my first apartment after moving out of my family home and as the music played and incense burned I felt as if I had fallen into a trance and once I "awakened" I was no longer the person I was prior to that experience. My language changed to more positive words and my behavior was more mindful (in my opinion). I began to see areas where I needed to grow or rather mature. I was such a brat in my younger days, realizing how many relationships were stifled because of it. 

I don't dwell on the space I was once in, now I look back and see growth. As I stated earlier in this expression, I feel love; which is a concept that I've taken from scripture which says "love is kind..." I believe I've put forth an effort to be kinder, more patient and loving. I don't recall which year I made that resolution, but I am happy I did and am now seeing the "fruit" of those seeds planted in my heart. 

I can see how those genuine changes have improved several relationships in my life. Some I never thought would be rekindled and others that I knew needed a little more effort on my part, I will say that as I grow I am noticing others around me growing as well. I've also learned which relationships had served their purpose and we no longer for the highest good of anyone involved. Releasing those energies weren't as difficult as I once thought them to be; especially the one which comes to mind. As I reflect on that relationship I say a little prayer that the person I am thinking of stays where they're at and does not choose to disrupt my peace. 

I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I realize I say that a lot; with all the writing I've done thus far titles are usually the trickiest as they do not come easy to me in summing up what I've spoken about. The music is playing from my show on Moon Goddess Radio and I am enjoying the vibes, there's no incense burning, but my cigarette smoke is making me wish I could smoke reefer in my apartment like I used to. The good thing is I have edibles and oil, which comes in handy when neighbors complain about smoke. 

Now I'm in a mood... for lovin'; it may be the songs that I've been playing or simply missing my lovers. I have yet to find a girlfriend, but I'm in no rush for that anymore. After a brief exchange with a woman from online, I've decided to allow that to take the backseat for now. I believe since I've put the energy into the Universe for such to find me I will see where things go in 2023. I believe that's the best approach to that aspect of my life since trying to "find" a girlfriend has seemed to be a bit problematic. 

Anyway... Since this is most likely my last expression of the year I'd like to say I pray you all have a safe and memorable New Year! Let's make 2023 a year of growth, abundance and whatever else comes to your mind/heart as you read that sentiment. 

Love,

Kamille 💗🌟

wrapping up 2022

As I scrolled social media, I stumbled upon a quote which reads: "what if you started loving yourself the way you want them to love you?" and I stopped in my tracks. As I pondered that question I realized I'd asked myself that some years ago; which is when I took a deep dive into self-care and self-love. During that time I felt as if I was giving "love" yet I did not feel it reciprocated. Soon after I read a quote by Rumi, which was," the love you seek is seeking you". I decided to go inward and find more of the love I had to share and began to share it with myself. I believe at that time was when I introduced the idea of "Kamille Appreciation Day", which is a day or a few where I spend time with myself; doing anything I want to do with myself during that time. 

It was during a "Kamille Appreciation Day" when I decided to return to college nearly 20 years after dropping out. I felt more confident in myself and my goals and thought I could "give it a try and see where it goes". I am excited to say I received an "A" in my English; Creative Non-Fiction course! I had so much fun and anxiety during this class as I awaited grades and was pushed outside of my comfort zone to accomplish the desired grade on each assignment. With that said, I am looking forward to the courses I've chosen for the Spring semester and I am hoping to keep up my 4.0 gpa. 

As we enter Capricorn season and the ending/beginning of a year, I feel as if I am in anticipation of what's to come with the New Year and my new age. I've surprised myself so much this year with stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing more into the woman I am becoming. I began asking myself "hard questions" and being totally honest in my answers, resulting in coming to terms with some unacknowledged thoughts and behaviors that are not for my highest good. Going back to college was a big deal for me because my previous experience wasn't exactly the best; with many obstacles causing me to focus on career instead. 

I feel as if I've challenged myself in ways I did not think would be as successful as it's been, I think the surprise came in because somewhere in my subconscious mind I believed I was not "smart enough" or "focused enough" or just "enough" to do well much less accomplish a 4.0 gpa on my first "try" back to school. However with determination and the proper support system, I was able to do just that! 

Today is my third day of partaking in an edible, I choose to buy a couple tins of gummies and just eating one when the mood strikes me. The other day I believe I ate two by mistake; nonetheless I felt Great! I'm sure that's what has inspired me to write after so much time has passed since my last expression before the brief check in recently. The music is playing and the incense is burning; I intend to use a lavender smudge soon to purify my home in preparation for the New Year. That's something I've never been inclined to do until this year.  

I hope you all have a Happy Holiday, or just a wonderful weekend if you choose not to celebrate the holiday's. I hope to share again soon yet as always, time will tell.

Kamille

a quick check in

“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks.”

William Shakespeare

I had a tough couple of weeks; however I was surrounded by love and support which made things a bit "easier" to bare. I began writing something entirely different last week, but decided to delete and begin again. I am not sure what I want to share yet, nonetheless I allowed the above quote to remain. In these moments I realized how grateful and thankful I am to be alive. I am appreciative for God; my family and friends who surrounded me in prayers, well-wishes and those who actually came to spend time with me while I was recovering. 

When we go through things it seems cliche to say how our health, usually physical is something we are grateful for. I will say although I am still in pain, I am grateful for my physical, mental as well as emotional health. I'm sure you all are wondering, "what happened?"; well, I was recently involved in a car accident. I won't go into detail about it, but I survived it and that's what's important to me these days.  

My emotional support animal, Rocko, has been on his job as of late more than ever before. He makes me laugh and smile with his shenanigans, and also cuddles with me when it's nap time; which is more often then before...

I began this expression nearly two weeks ago, I haven't been inspired to say anything more than the above so I'll leave it as is; in a space of gratitude and thankfulness. As we enjoy the holiday season and New Year I pray that we take each moment as it is and appreciate all that we have. Not speaking about gifts and "things", but peace of mind, health, family, friends, etc.

Happy Holidays!