A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed 2

Insomnia has arrived; I found myself searching for something to do in the wee hours of the morning since I am awake while the world is asleep. So I turn the music on and pulled out the laptop to see what words hit the page; I also was lead to read a post or two (2) from 2020 where I wrote about my Ice Princess well, Ice Queen ways. I wrote that nearly a year ago and although I see progress, I feel as if I may still be in that space; hmmm not completely though. In April I joined quite a few dating apps and met a couple cool people; with them I have been my authentic self however I am uncertain that I've gotten the same in return. I don't dwell there as everyone is on whatever stage of their particular journey; however I've since hidden my pages and decided not to meet anyone new. As I re-read Ice Queen I was reminded of a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, which says: "there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." I think I may have been "looking" for the love I had in another and that is impossible; judging love from that scale is dangerous, I think, because you'll never see the person for who they are. Always who they "ought" to be in your mind, which is something they can never accomplish. I believe I've stopped doing that to an extent; I re-read a post on the other blog titled "My First Love...." which sheds a light on the love I often dream of. The love I shared with my friend, I will admit, I still miss him; I don't think too many days go by without thinking of him. I used to have a photo of him which I framed placed in my room, but since I've moved and have yet to fully unpack it's still in a box somewhere. To experience love like that at such a young age and never "finding" it again has left me frozen in a sense. It may seem as if I think about love a lot, but in my day to day life it rarely comes up; I think it is because my mind and my heart may focus on different topics, but when I write I tend or should I say I aspire to write from my heart; so love is what it is.

People often ask me what's up with my love for Pink Floyd; especially Dark Side of the Moon and I am reminded of my love. That was the last album we listened to; under the Moon and stars at times in silence. I loved that about him, our comfortable silences, where it's not forced or jammed with unnecessary rambling. I miss him still and he passed away maybe twenty plus (20+) years ago. A love like that doesn't leave you; it changes you, hopefully for the better, but in this case I am not so sure. Only because, as I've stated, I have yet to experience that level of love or intimacy since. I don't know in what ways I may need to heal, but I am sure there is something there that needs healing; I think I'll mention it in therapy next week and see what comes up. I won't act as if the memory of my friend is what woke me; it was the pain in my elbow and knee, I drive a lot so from time to time those areas let me know they need some attention and I make sure to allow myself the time and energy this body needs. I now have a pain in my back, in one of those hard to reach places, but I've learned a trick for that; place my Nordic Goddess, therapeutic body balm (infused with thc and cbd), in the inside of my arm (on the flip side of my elbow) and allow it to penetrate throughout my body, relieving pains in various places. My body now feels relaxed, but sleep is no where in sight, so I've decided to participate in what I've dubbed "Sacred Time" which is the hours between 4:00 am and 6:00 am; during this time I pray, meditate, listen to music, focus on my spirituality and at times, like now, write. 

I am unsure why Terrance has been on my mind lately, maybe because I ran across his photo in my phone last week or perhaps because I've been longing to be close to someone and he's not here to fill that void. When I speak of being close to someone I am not speaking of it in a sexual way (usually); moreso in a intimate, spiritual, soul altering type of way. I have a friend of nearly twenty (20) years who I can share my hopes, dreams, thoughts and fears with however our friendship is platonic so there's this space where intimacy is what I crave in addition to those things. I won't look for Terrance in others any longer, that does not serve my highest good or the highest good of all involved. However I don't know what to do with these feelings I have, yet I don't want it to seem as if they are "copy & paste" as if I am longing to transfer them from a lost love to someone new. That is definitely not the case! Yet I don't think I've ever been as pure and authentic as I was during those years, I know that girl is still inside of me and maybe that's who's really writing these things; the teenage, love filled girl who loved and lost. As I'm listening to my friend (KingLeoPicasso)'s early morning "wake and bake" radio station on Amp (app) the first song on the playlist is "Moments in Love", he doesn't know what I'm writing and I did not know what his mix consisted of yet here we are. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I was in a mood, I thought it was just a bipolar day; but when I thought of it I expressed that I was sad and lonely. I didn't know why I felt that way and when I began this expression I had no clue all of this would be exposed, yet again, here we are. 

Now he's playing a version of the song "Can't Hide Love" by Najee which makes me question, have I hidden love? Is that even possible? Maybe it's all an illusion I've been hiding behind and everyone can see it beaming from me like the folktale "The Emperor's New Clothes" where everyone sees it, expect me. I do believe that you attract what you are, so I am unsure why I have yet to attract the "love I seek". Perhaps, once I heal whatever lingering feelings I have I may begin to see areas where I have been blocking myself. The Rumi quote comes to mind, "Journey from the self to the Self and find the mine of gold. Leave behind what is sour and bitter and move toward the sweet.". Maybe that's what it is?, Maybe that's what's showing on the outside?; The bittersweet version of love I may be presenting to the world. I am ready to move toward the sweet, I think. As the Sun rises and the music plays I am engulfed in thought; I did not intend for this to be a long post however I honestly didn't have any intention for this expression at all, except to allow my fingers to cross the keys and create words that my heart wants to share. As my sacred time comes to it's end I've read another quote from Rumi which says: "Be silent, only the hand of GOD can remove the burdens of your heart." I believe this came up for a reason, I also intend to discover that reason as I am sure it will be beneficial to me in the long run. 

I made a cup of coffee infused with Berry Pie which has been added to my list of favorite strains of marijuana. I feel relaxed; happy even; glad to have shared and ready to publish in the very near future. In between thoughts to share I've curated my playlist for my radio show (Moon Goddess Radio) on Amp (app) scheduled for Saturday (tentatively), I'm excited more than anxious or nervous. I've even begun thinking of commentary between certain songs and then I'll freestyle and see what is said as it comes to me during the broadcast. Unfortunately a couple songs I wanted to incorporate aren't available on the app so I've been listening to them on my streaming service. I don't have anything planned for the day, except possibly spending time with a friend and smoking, but we'll see where the day takes us. The Sun is up and my coffee is nearly gone as well as this expression coming to a close; so I have to ask myself, "what do you want to do now?' that's something I ask myself often seeing how I have much "free time" on my hands. If it weren't so hot these days I'd take my puppy for a walk in the park; it's nearly 70 degrees and not even 7:00 am 😧. I am happy these words found the page and I allowed them to flourish, who knew this was hiding inside me all this time? As usual I have yet to think of a title; I thought about "moments in love", but somehow I don't think that fits. I'm awaiting inspiration to come though and pick a title for me; I don't know what will come, but I anticipate it nonetheless. 

Now that we've made it through "hump day" I pray the rest of the week is magical; especially the weekend! I will admit I am proud of myself for being so open about my thoughts and feelings in this expression, I feel like the "old" me, like on the other blog where I was so raw and uncensored. Last night I was able to spend a few moments with the Moon as I witnessed her change phases from Full to Waning Gibbous yet still brighter than ever and so breathtakingly beautiful. My current playlist in conjunction with the cannabis oil in my coffee has lifted my spirits and I believe today will be great! I feel as if I was able to shake whatever mood was with me for the past few days, the song by Labi Siffre comes to mind, I intend to dedicate it to myself on the show Saturday (tentatively); it's titled "I got the..."  the part where he says: 

Just a lonely soul

Slowly dyin'

I was smilin' hard

But I was lyin'

Then you sailed along

With your sweet dream

When you stole my heart

I was with it

I felt that in my being! I mean like, deep within my Soul. That's the thing about Self-Love and Self-Care; your Soul knows what you need before you need it and this morning I was awakened by the yearning to write and share this expression with you all. Thank you for entertaining my words and spending these few moments with me while you're reading. I've been told my energy exudes through the screen within my expressions, which was an overwhelming compliment to receive in my opinion and I don't take it lightly. My intention is to be felt through my words and to only speak what my heart and mind agrees with. The scripture comes to mind which says, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."; Psalms 19:14. I chose years ago to allow that to be included in my morning meditation; although I don't remember it daily, I attempt to keep it close to my heart. "In a Sentimental Mood" by John Coltrane & Duke Ellington is playing now and that's exactly how I feel, sentimental. Another word for sentimental according to the thesaurus is dreamy and that describes my mood perfectly. Now six (6) Pink Floyd songs are in the queue; ending with "Any Colour You Like" which is a favorite on the Dark Side of the Moon album. I figure as the playlist comes to an end, so should this expression; therefore (😁, I don't know why I love that word so much); I'd like to take this time to say "Hello; Good Morning ☀️💗✨" and for those of you I know who are traveling I pray you have safe travels and arrive/ depart your destination with grace and mercy. So, after skimming through the blog I stumbled upon an expression titled "A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed" which seems to fit what I've written; consider this part two (2). 

Until next time.

honesty hour (mature content)

I recently shared about my feelings of loneliness on comfort zones and no drafts, for some time I have felt bored; well some time ago I realized the feeling was actually loneliness and I wasn't sure if I wanted to dive any deeper into the subject on the blogs, but a friend encouraged me to do so. With the other blog I used to write about whatever was on my mind, however with this one I seemed to have shied away from speaking about sex and/or my sexuality. That comes up because I've been attempting to transmute this over-active sex drive I seem to be experiencing lately into something creative; seeing how I'm sharing more and exploring other outlets (hosting a radio show, for example); I realize my efforts are showing some results yet the yearning to be close to someone lingers on. Not to be close to just anyone, but a particular someone. 

I was reminded of my journey through abstinence some years ago and re-read some posts I shared in 2014, one in particular, Honesty Hour: Part Deux another was Check In: "Team Abstinence" seeing how that experience changed my outlook on sex and being intimate with someone I find myself longing for a connection like the one I see in my dreams. The thing is I am uncertain if that is possible without being in love with someone and I am not ready, I don't think to be in a relationship right now. I feel as if I may have some more growing to do since I seem to require a lot of attention and affection which I feel I am not getting at the moment. I do however see a bit of growth in the fact I haven't behaved like a brat about it like I used to do; allowing my words and behavior to express the lack of attention in a negative way. I now try to transmute the energy I am feeling because I recognize that the issue is within and not necessarily the total responsibility of a lover. 

I used to write fantasies like Orange Skies which details an encounter with a lover under the stars. My desire for affection becomes overwhelming at times and not expressing that on the blog hasn't helped in a sense. Seeing how I avoid the topic altogether I feel at times something is missing because I am not fully expressing this aspect of my journey. At times I still feel A-Sexual, where I go any length of time without thinking or desiring the exploration of another. Then the loneliness comes and I feel consumed with this sexual energy that I have no channel for. I feel as if I can only write so much, or paint; or listen to music, especially when a lot of songs are of love, lust and desire. In this moment I want to be in love; I feel as if I have so much energy to direct in that area, but as I said I may not be ready for all that it entails. I suppose I feel as if I am not ready for heartbreak or heartache as that's how love has ended for me in the past. I've worked so hard to recover that I do not wish to experience that again.

I used to joke and say "sex is my cardio" because I remained in pretty good shape when I was having sex on a regular basis, then I joined "team abstinence" and it seemed as if the pounds started to add up I felt it was because I was no longer exercising in that way. I know that sounds foolish, but it's how I felt nonetheless. Then Jill Scott's, "Crown Royal" plays and the emotions of loneliness creep up again; the music is on random so it's all over the place from jazz to blues to r & b and alternative, it feels as if I can not escape the subject of sex these days. I want it all of the time but the desire is suppressed because, well it just is. As I stated earlier being abstinent was a life changing experience however I don't know what to do now; being human is a delicate balance of various feelings, desires and emotions and I know I have yet to master them. Acting as if sex is not a part of my Earthly experience would be a lie, I don't intend to speak about it often or in detail, but I think if comes up again I will share. 

I think it's time for breakfast or a nap now that I've gotten that off my mind and maybe I'll write again later. I feel as if I'm on a roll; writing nearly every day. I pray it continues as you can see I have a lot on my mind these days, especially since I did not like the way I ended current view and touching on it a little on comfort zones I felt the need to expound. I am happy with the result so there's no point in going on and on in my opinion. I hope you all are having a beautiful day and planning to spend some time with the Super Full Moon as it begins to enter another phase of being. I'm looking forward to the radio show on Saturday; I'm actually a little anxious about it, but not in a bad way. Until next time...

no drafts

After much debate with myself I decided to re-publish the 225 drafts mentioned on the other blog. Initially I began re-reading various posts and at times cringing, but I left them; unedited. I figure that's the space I was in at the time and the words I chose to share so why edit? Also, how else could we see my growth as a woman or as a writer? How else would you relate to some of the things I share now without some point of reference? So there it is for you to experience and for me to revisit as necessary. Reflecting on the past expressions I notice I do not speak so freely regarding any of the lovers who may have gone or come, well in my own vague way perhaps. That's very noticeable especially with the expressions published in 2010, from the few entries I read I was in love yet the lover had gone and I was heartbroken. I am happy to say that is not the case any longer; I am fully, totally and completely over him (🥳). I wrote most in 2012, which is interesting because I wrote more in the month of September which is when I experienced and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I am not in a space to revisit those entries just yet, but I intend to only to see where I was as opposed to where I am now.

I will admit, I didn't really like the way I ended the post comfort zones; as it suggested being close to someone would cause depression and/or frustration and that is not the case. I think I may have rushed the end and not fully expressed what I was thinking; blame sleepiness. I recall when I would sit and write then publish the same day and lately I've been doing that rather than taking days, weeks or months to complete an expression; so I wanted to do that with the above mentioned post and as a result I feel as if the ending wasn't my best. Nevertheless, that's how we learn and improve; by taking those chances and going for it without judgment which is what I felt I did. I've rescheduled my radio show from Sunday to Saturday, allowing my good friend to showcase his talents on Father's Day. I feel good about that, it's only right for a father to have the day so I'm sure it will go splendidly. Aside from looking forward to the show I don't have any plans for Father's Day just yet; I think I'm going to chill and smoke, maybe have a drink and remember the good times with my Dad. 

The idea of Father's Day took me out so I took some time away from writing to listen to a friends radio show, rest and cook dinner; I ate on my patio to spend time with the Super Full Moon and it was lovely. Yesterday I said I wish I were at the beach watching the waves, but looking at the position of the Moon it wouldn't be possible to see both at the same time so I am glad to be able to see the Moon in all her beauty. As I am reminded to release the things no longer serving me I am doing so with each exhale and taking in my intentions with each breath. I feel a bit of tension throughout my body, but thankfully I learned today that my insurance covers acupuncture; so I intend to schedule a session for the near future. The music plays and takes me to another space, I feel like abandoning my thoughts and diving into my heart. Trouble with that is, I am a bit afraid of what I'd find there; I feel so many emotions in the present moment that my heart feels full. Dreamflower by Tarika Blue plays and I want to dance in the fields like a hippie would with flowers in my hair. 

I am proud of myself for publishing everything on both blogs leaving no drafts; that's never been the case. So I want to take the time to say "Thank you!" for those of you who have taken the time to read some of my older expressions. I also want to take a moment to say Thank you!" for the friend requests on Facebook; however that page is strictly for my family. Please feel free to follow my blog pages King Kamille and The World Outside My Window or my social media feeds: @KingKamille3. I appreciate all of you for the kind words, likes, messages, etc. It encourages me to continue on my path even on the days I may not write or share my thoughts I know at some point I will and I look forward to your feedback. Now Beyoncé is singing "Once in a Lifetime" from the Cadillac Records soundtrack and the lyric "you're a dream, but I'm wide awake" speaks to me and again I wish I were close to someone, I feel lonely; something I've rarely felt. I remember my Dad used to speak about feeling lonely and I didn't understand it at the time, but now I do; so completely. Wishing I had someone to share certain moments with or to talk to; maybe exchange a caress or kisses, simple things like that which you don't think matters until they do.

Reminds me of a caption I read on Facebook, Sacred Dreams page which read:

To the Masculine: hold her.

You have the opportunity to heal a father wound, a society wound, a former partner wound. Hold her in your arms, in your strength, in your unwavering presence. You will need to do this again and again and again. Don’t get frustrated. Don’t close. Please. Feel your Love for her. Not trying to save her. Attune to how incredibly strong your woman is, and honor her little girl whose needs weren’t met. She is grappling with this right now. You holding her with unconditional Love and safety is healing her entire nervous system because you’re helping her to imprint something new. Yes, your presence is that powerful.

Claim her.

To the Feminine: let him hold you.

As you breathe in his arms, keep softening your body. I know it wants to stay closed because that feels safer, but try, slowly, to open. Feel how safe you are, even if it’s just for this moment. Feel his strength and devotion to you and your healing. Yes, it is safe to soften into him. He’s got you. He wants you. Don’t think about the what ifs, stay in the now, with him. Allow your body to speak to him. Soften, open, and make contact with him. Acknowledge his devotion with your touch. He sees you, as you are, and is saying “yes” to all of you. Take that in. This is what you’ve always wanted, it’s here, don’t miss it.

Receive it.

Receive him.

Makes me think about sacred intimacy; something we don't hear about enough, I think sex is simple, but intimacy requires a bit more. I've been trying to occupy my time with various activities so that I don't dwell on the loneliness; so far so good. Well, its only been about a day; so I can't celebrate anything just yet. I'm currently reading a book titled "The Energy of Emotions: The 10 Emotional Environments and How They Shape the World Around Us" by Emily Maroutian; it speaks about many different emotional states however loneliness doesn't seem to be one of them so I've been reading about boredom which is something I feel quite often and I believe they may be connected so I am attempting to learn more about it so I can transmute the energy into something more positive and creative. I'll keep you posted on my progress. Until next time. Be well.

comfort zones

"the inspiration you seek is already within you. be silent and listen"

Rumi

I created a playlist and started a radio station on an app called Amp; I surprised myself and had a lot of fun. I find myself to be in introvert so public speaking is clearly not my favorite thing to do, but this was easy. I think I need to find more to say however allowing the music to speak for me was helpful. I cooked with a strain called Berry Pie which is said to have the effect of talkativeness so I'll be doing something else with that as I broadcast my next show (scheduled for Sunday). As I spoke on current view about experiencing new fruit; I am happy to find another creative outlet to express myself. I'd like to take a moment to thank one of my best friends for introducing me to the arena of broadcasting. Who would've thought I'd actually do a show? I know I didn't. I'm glad I did because that took away a fear that was holding me back in some way, now that I've done it once I know that I can do it again. 

I like the above quote because Rumi just gets me, I often speak of inspiration leaving me as if it is an external component to my writing when in actuality inspiration is already within you; it's just a matter of tuning into it. I've come to so many realizations within the past few days, thoughts I've changed my mind about; music I no longer relate to, etc. I know I use this word a lot, but it's growth! As I am nearly six (6) months into my new age I am learning things that I've outgrown or no longer serving me to my highest good and to my surprise I am not resisting it, just allowing it to flow naturally. That's also something that is new to me, not resisting changes and allowing my higher self to direct me. I have some trust issues which has spilled over into my trust in myself, often second guessing my choices and/or decisions. However I am slowly beginning to feel secure in my trust of myself and my intuition allowing me to find less anxiety when dealing with things. Anxiety is a funny thing now, after developing anxiety disorder nearly ten (10) years ago I've gone through various stages in it; I feel I've even gone through the seven (7) stages of grief. Grieving the life I lived pre-anxiety disorder. 

I was comfortable then; working, going out with friends, etc. I've finally came to terms with the working part and beginning to build a new social circle which has been quite supportive. I was able to have a session with my therapist today and it went well; I was able to express some things that are not for the blogs or social media and gain some clarity. I like speaking with her because she's very encouraging and supportive with the things I share with her. Our sessions are sporadic, mainly because I'm in a space where I don't necessarily need therapy weekly; sometimes monthly is fine. I'm taking time during the Super Full Moon to do some introspection to see the areas that are comfort zones for me and see ways to step out of them. I think that may be the first step, identifying them to begin with. I know public speaking is stepping out and will somehow help with my writing and the courage to write an actual book. My thought is that I'll take those drafts and. combine them or extend them into chapters. I feel as if that's less overwhelming than thinking of a book idea and writing it from scratch. 

As I sit here listening to Mermaid by Sade I am yearning for a trip to the beach, especially during the Super Full Moon. I went outside to be with the Moon for a bit; I'm in a mood so it helped in a way only it could. Now I'm back inside, but wishing I were somewhere else. That's the thing with bipolar disorder, your moods really do change up in a blink of an eye. I want to scream, but I don't even think that would help at this point. I intend to allow the music to shift my mood and so far it's just making me want to be close to someone and that's not helpful at all. I'm not going down that train of thought because I know depression comes with it and possibly more frustration. Nevertheless, as I bring my day to an end I want to focus on the good and things that I am grateful for. I like to go to sleep with gratitude in my heart and peace of mind. The Moon gave that to me in those few moments we spent together. So goodnight, I hope you had a beautiful day and have a wonderful week ahead. Until next time...

current view

"you've made magic out of your wounds and that gives you every right to be cautious about who is allowed to experience you. the fruits of your healing are not for everyone to bite into"

@iambrillyant (instagram)

Lately I've been in a mood I can't quite describe; normally I would allow it to process and pass, but this mood is a bit different. I want it to stay; to transmute into creativity and show up on the blog. I felt the urge to write and I am not sure yet how the above quote factors into the words to come, but I am certain they will make sense by the end. I've written countless times of my heartbreak and recovering from such, now I want to write about love sometimes; not being in love, but love itself. I want to express the love I have in my heart for so many things aside for my love of the Moon and the beach. I find myself in a space where I simply love life; the circumstances aren't perfect, but I am feeling the happiness of what it means to be love. Usually I shy away from the topic because I censor what I've shared to an extent, now I am ready to stop holding back and just allow the words to take shape however they form. That's something I'm making a conscious effort to do with each post, not being afraid to share my heart with you. In the past I'd retract paragraphs and even revert posts back to a draft because of fear; I don't even know what I was afraid of, especially since most of you all don't know me outside of the blogs and social media accounts. Nonetheless, the desire to share came upon me and I conceded without hesitation. 

I used to be scared of love; the vulnerability it requires. I think the scars of loving the wrong people have healed and I am ready to find something new in the fruit I experience. Then I think, is that even possible to love the "wrong" people? Sometimes I think that the timing was wrong, not the person; but I don't dwell there. Dwelling in that space in my opinion only leads to nostalgic emotions which can be misleading as we tend to remember the good times and not the times of heartbreak or heartache. As Sade plays in the background reminding me that "love is stronger than pride" I am almost forced to allow my heart to take the role my mind usually plays in my writing. I feel unraveled, maybe it's because Spring is turning to Summer and my love for the Summer has taken over in some way. Smoke fills the air and my thoughts are scrambled, thinking of various things all at once; making me feel a sense of overwhelming emotions. That's been the thing lately, having feelings and emotions I do not know how to express. The desire to have a drink comes to mind, maybe the whiskey will help the words flow? I need to relax, I have so much tension in my body and I am unsure why. I feel it in my shoulders and the middle of my back; all the hard to reach places, but I'm wide awake. 

I still debate how vulnerable I want to be; I like to hide, in the background of things while vulnerability causes you to be seen or should I say, felt. That is something else I am growing into, allowing myself the space to be vulnerable. I used to view vulnerability as a weakness where others can use your sensitive parts to pull you apart for their own pleasure. Now I view it as a superpower, only the brave can be vulnerable because it puts you in a space of love. I spent/ spend a lot of time focused on self-care and self-love; at times it feels like a job because it requires so much time and attention, but the "rewards" are worth the effort. As I've reached a particular space in self-love I find myself not as cautious as I probably should be concerning who I allow experience it. So far I believe I've made good choices, but I suppose it's the "old" me that is fearful of being hurt again. I will admit, certain situations have made me nervous; wondering if I'm making the right decision and other times I feel myself taking the leap into the rabbit hole with no expectation of what's on the other side of it. I don't want to injure the wounds I've worked so diligently to heal, but I don't want to be afraid of life and all it has to offer. 

I'm reminded of a situation in 2019 where an ex-lover made a reappearance in my life and I was able to see my growth in a way that the experience left me with. There was this quote that comes to mind by Dream Hampton which reads: "don't leave my ocean for shallow waters then ask me about the Moon". I felt that deep in my being, it was as if the encounter was scripted; from previous experiences with them as if the plays in the book would be everlasting, but to our surprise my response wasn't quite the same. I realized the feelings of our exchange was confusing and everything I knew was against my better judgement, but I allowed it to play out just the same. After such an occurrence I feel as if I will not allow another to "bite into" the fruit of my progress in that way again. I believe that happened to show me where I was spiritually and where I desire to be; along with maturity and how I value myself. I feel as if I was made aware of a "blindspot" in myself that otherwise I would not have recognized. I feel as if I began 2020 with a new mindset regarding my heart and who I will allow to have access to it. The past two (2) years I've felt that strengthen and I am proud of myself for allowing it to happen without judgement or shame. 

I think at the time I did not embrace my singleness as I do now; I like dating and watching relationships unfold as they are without fear or overthinking. That's something I've never done; I've always had anxiety when dealing with certain situations, keeping me nervous or even intimidated at times. Scared to speak my truth or express myself fully and openly. I was told once or twice that I was "too much", the funny thing about that was the person(s) saying such didn't realize how much I was actually holding back. I'd think to myself, if this is too much how overwhelming it would be to show my self completely. I then allowed that to spill over into my creativity; at times losing the freedom to truly express myself as if no one was looking. I think I've found that space; where I can share without worry or concern of who's reading my words and possibly judging as opposed to reading my words and getting to know me in another aspect of who I am. It's interesting to me when people attempt to request my friendship on Facebook because I wonder how they want to know me. I don't use Facebook for that, it's strictly for family, but my instagram, twitter, tumblr and the blogs are the best way to know who I am and what I'm about in my opinion. As the Super Full Moon approaches I feel more connected to my chakras and learning which needs to be unblocked and which may be overstimulated. The Full Moon is also a time to align with kindness and forgiveness and the perfect time to let go of negativity in any form. 

I was lead to do a numerology reading and the result said: "You are being guided to move in a new direction, Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you." I think that aligns with the things I've been sharing lately, being inspired and ready for adventure while letting go of fear and worries. I then pulled a card from my Mystic Mondays deck and it was The Fool which reads: "How exciting! The fool is a card of pure spontaneous energy, filled with curiosity and enthusiasm for the next adventure. You're ready to step forward into a new journey where the sky's the limit! You have boundless potential where you can pour your exuberance into fresh creative endeavors. Living in the moment, you're learning to let go of expectations and to go with the flow! You are ready to venture into unknown territories and pioneer your free spirit self into this new phase of your life. With a carefree attitude, this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart, and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey..." I feel as if following my intuition I am being pulled to a part of my journey that is unfamiliar, I suppose that's how it has to be in order for growth to flourish. I then think of being "tested", yet now I believe that is a man made construct put into our psyche to control us and instill fear of "failure" when making life choices.  I choose not to accept that thought process any longer.

Being free to live life and enjoy the ride of it all even with the ups and downs is all apart of the journey we find ourselves on. Taking chances, risks even; which is one thing about me, I am not usually a risk taker. However playing it "safe" hasn't always gotten the results I've set out to experience so I am learning to abandon the notion. I don't know how love was awakened within me, but I am learning to embody the emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with it. I am looking forward to the days ahead; because I feel as if I've gone through a portal of sorts, I feel as if I have been reborn and the lessons learned thus far have contributed to my growth and understanding of myself. I feel as if I understand myself in ways I've never thought possible. I now understand some of my behaviors better, especially after being diagnosed bipolar; so much makes sense now that didn't before. Learning more to lean on my intuition rather than my thoughts all of the time has given me a new outlook; I am less concerned with looking foolish rather I want to do what my soul needs. Even if that doesn't make sense to anyone else which reminds me of a post on the other blog which remained untitled as I re-read that post I was reminded of a few people recently suggesting that I write a book, I am beginning to feel inspired to do just that...

to be continued.

Happy Father's Day!

 "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

Jamie Anderson

One of the last times I saw my Dad was on Father's Day; 2018, nearly a month before he passed away. I think of him often and miss him dearly. I think of how he raised me and the lessons he taught me along with the love and friendship we shared. As Father's Day approaches I noticed my mood changing from sad to grief, not knowing what to do with the love I have for him since he is no longer physically on Earth to share it with. Typically for Father's Day, my brother, sister-in-law and Dad would go to lunch or dinner followed by the beach. We'd smoke and maybe play cards and there was lots of laughter. I miss my Dad's laugh, it was contagious! His smile could light up a room and his charm, words cannot describe. I don't know what to do with these emotions except to write.

I don't think my brother and I have spent Father's Day together since the passing of our Dad. I am happy to have known him for thirty-eight (38) years; when you think about it, that's not really a long time, but the memories I have are priceless. On his last day, I stayed in the hospital room with him and turned the television to basketball; one of his favorite things to do. Although he was unconscious I felt as if he knew I was there and felt the energy of me and the game. I pray he was at peace during that time, I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life, to put him on life support or let him go naturally. He took his last breath shortly after and I don't know if I've cried, aside from his memorial services and even then, I had to be "strong"; as his eldest child I took the responsibility for it all. The death certificate, planning and organizing two (2) memorial services (one (1) in Los Angeles and one (1) in Georgia). 

I've "lost" a few people who were dear to me, but it's no other experience like "losing" a parent. With this grief, it doesn't seem to "go away", it lingers under the surface and when you think you're "okay" something happens or someone does/ says something that triggers a thought or a memory and there you are, feeling grief again. I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but they won't fall; instead I smile and think of something funny he said to me before. I have a lot of those memories, happy times. That's how I choose to remember him, in the happy times. Like when I surprised him and planned a trip to see his Mother and our family out of state; which to our surprise was the last time she saw him alive. Obviously none of us knew that at the time, but GOD knew and I'm glad I listened to what was in my heart to do.

The other day as I was driving a song came on Pandora that he liked, the artist was Mozzy; I'd never heard of him, but the last time we were all together I asked my Dad what he wanted to hear as I always did when he was in the car with me. The rule was, the driver picks the music, but with him I didn't follow that rule; I always asked what he wanted to hear and most of the time he was fine with what I was playing however every now and again he's choose. I liked listening to his music, he loved music; most genres. I know I got that from him; music appreciation. Often times my Mom will look at me and say "you look like your Dad", especially when I smile. I read a quote which read: "There is no elevator in healing. You have to take the stairs." I felt that, I don't know how you heal from grief; maybe that's a topic for therapy? Is it even possible to heal from grief? Or do you just go through the cycle until your last day?

Today I choose to be happy to have known him, past Father and Daughter, but as friends. He was my best friend; I could talk to him about anything and I did. This year I don't know how I'll spend Father's Day, but I do know that he remains in my heart; thankfully there's no lump in my throat or hollow part in my chest, but I feel as if there may be tears at some point. Not tears of sadness, but tears nonetheless. I pray for those of us who have "lost" parent(s); there's no feeling like it and you don't know it until it happens. I pray you find peace and feel the love you shared at this time or find counseling or perhaps a support group if necessary. I pray as this time passes we can find the good and the joyful memories of what once was. I am reminded of an expression I shared in 2012 which was a time when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, slightly before I was taken off work and I thought I'd share it here now; the title is Daddy's Little Girl. I read that a few moments ago and it brought back so many memories of that time. I know as days go by I may have a rollercoaster of emotions, but I also know his words are with me and will bring a smile to my face if I allow them to rather than dwelling in the selfish thoughts of him not being here anymore.

I hope you all have a Happy Father's Day regardless of your circumstances and find the joy in the times you've had with your Father whether they are still with us or not. For those who may not know their Father I pray GOD sends you peace concerning your well-being;  unfortunately I don't have much more to say on the matter since that is not the case for me, but I wish you well during this time as I know for those in either situation these days may be a bit rough. If you are fortunate enough to have your Father in your life I pray you cherish him and show love especially now as we celebrate Dad's. My Dad always called me his angel, I feel now that he has become mine; maybe looking over me and sending me messages from another dimension or realm. That brings me comfort at times, knowing that his spirit is not gone, just his physical body. I don't know much about death as I don't remember any of mine; but I do know that in mourning you have to give yourself room to grieve and let go until it comes around again.

To all the Dad's I'd like to take this time to say "Happy Father's Day!'

fireworks in the night's sky

“Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about… say yes quickly, if you know, if you’ve known it from before the beginning of the universe.”

Rumi

When I sit to write I try to clear my mind and allow the words to flow through me, sometimes I get stuck wondering what is too much to share verses what is enough. I'm working on just sharing and not being concerned with either, to allow the art of words to form in their own special way. The past two months have been quite interesting as various changes have taken place allowing me to see growth in ways only particular circumstances would provide. I feel as if I have tapped into a space within myself that is free and childlike; perhaps my inner child has gotten some healing that was much needed. I feel the Universe speaking to me, through the music; the Moon, tarot cards, etc. Speaking of, I pulled a card the other day which spoke to me and was a bit of a confirmation of sorts. I used a deck from Mystic Mondays which is the brand of tarot cards I have, the  Princess of Swords which reads: Sparks fly high with a twinkle in your eye. There are a million ideas floating around in your head, and you can't wait to tell anyone and everyone about them! Combusting with excitement, your creativity and brilliance cannot be contained. The Princess of Swords urges to put your ideas into action and go for it. Young, idealistic truth seeker, you have a gift for gab that has the ability to translate effectively to others. Writing and speaking come easily to you, which will aid you when it comes time to spread your ideas and message. With a thirst to learn, you constantly ask questions and want to know the "why" of how things work. Your high energy and curiosity are endless and feed off of your willingness to find the answers. With time comes experience, and the more you go after what you want, the more wisdom and experience you will gain.

I thought it was interesting how that card came into my reality once I decided to write.  After the reading I did a search online for more information and ran across this site and I like what I read. From what I've been feeling and experiencing I feel as if the words from those two (2) passages spoke to me directly. As always the music is in the background, but there's no incense burning; yet. The other week I went to the beach at least four (4) times; I love to watch the Sun set, I also enjoy watching the surfers. As I caught myself finding various distractions taking me away from the thoughts I'd like to share, I brought myself back to the present moment rather than singing along with the music or checking my social media accounts. I believe the beach is my favorite place to be; I find such peace and introspection there. I feel most connected to GOD there, it's as if being in awe of the creation you have to align with the Creator. Each time there was an experience all it's own; at times blissful. Whenever I'm at the beach I think of the most beautiful words to share, yet the drive home usually causes them to disappear. The other day I was thinking of my growth and noticed an area that I intend to give some focus to; attachment issues which derive from emotional neglect and abandonment issues. I debated sharing that here and decided I should allow my thoughts and fingers to let it out prior to speaking with my therapist since I had to reschedule my session. I seem to attach quickly to people and with any sort of variation of plans for example I get completely disappointed. Once I recognized that I knew I needed to make adjustments to my thought or emotional process in that area. 

I feel as if at times I may set myself up for disappointment or sabotage and that is something I do not wish to continue. I will often think the worst case scenario and when it comes to pass I feel the way I did not want to feel, yet my focus brought it upon me. I learned that when dealing with a new friend, although they may be flaky at times does not mean they will be flaky every time so why allow my thoughts to think and manifest the outcome that I do not want to happen? That's a question for my therapist or meditation. I spoke earlier about my inner child and I know that's her speaking to me, letting me know that it's time to heal whatever memory that's buried deep down causing me to behave that way. I will admit, I like a lot of attention; at times I feel it may be too much or overwhelming for someone dealing with me. So I try to hide it as much as possible which leaves more disappointment because the other person didn't read my mind and "just know" what I expected. Like the Shakespeare quote states "expectation is the root of all heartache" I believe that to be true. I am focusing on my expectations of myself as well as with other people to avoid this self-inflicted state of being which is not for the highest good of anyone. Disappointment in my opinion brings sadness and other low vibrational emotions that I choose to leave in the past. So why have I brought it into my present? I believe it's to shine a light on the matter and reconcile it for my betterment. 

Aside from that I have been happy, still. Looking forward to friendships that are blossoming and enjoying my free time. I don't have plans to visit the beach this week, but I intend to be there for a Sun set or two (2) next week. I think it surprises people when they learn how much I truly love it there, even going twice in one day at times. I have yet to meet anyone who loves the Moon or the beach as much as I do, however I appreciate those who find it in themselves to indulge me with my infatuation of both. I have yet to think of a title for this expression, but I am not worried about it because I know something will come to mind by the time I'm ready to publish. I think as I am nearly six (6) months into my new age I am learning myself in a different way; I am being more gentle with myself and allowing the grace and freedom of awareness to develop. As I listen to fireworks in the night's sky I am excited for the approaching holidays. I've always loved fireworks, not fire cracker's, but the ones that light up the sky in such beautiful colors. This year I think I want to go to the beach on the fourth (4th) of July and watch the fireworks with a bonfire and animal mints or blue dream and enjoy the festivities. That sounds like a good plan to me! I find that those strains assist with tapping into my core self, the self that knows all "from before the beginning of the Universe"; it could be all in my mind or it could be my Soul directing me towards things that will assist in uncovering who I am before society told me who I should be. 

The thought of this plan brings me joy, a feeling I am not too familiar with; yet I am anticipating the experience of it all. I think the right company and vibe will make it all that much better. As the night turns to dawn I find myself getting a bit tired, I've had a long day which is a bit unusual for me; and to my surprise insomnia is no where in sight. So I'll take advantage and get some rest, I hope you all are rested and at peace; if not I pray peace finds you and brings all of the amazing things it possess. Maybe take a moment and look at the Moon or visit nature in some aspect. Hopefully I'll post again in the very near future, until then; be well.

Kamille 💗✨

The Moon, Palm Trees and the Ocean

As I sat at the beach the other evening, I thought about my surroundings and tapped into my emotions at the time. I have felt the emotion of happiness for a while now and at times, like the one mentioned above; I felt as if I was in bliss. I had a drink infused with cannabis oil, which was amazing! I began to pray then meditate in an effort to feel connected to GOD, I felt my soul speak to me and bring various things to my mind; all pleasant thoughts. In that moment I wanted to dive into the ocean and swim like I belonged there, I find myself fascinated with mermaids as if I may have been one in another lifetime.  I have that same feeling as I type these words, as if I could fly away into all there is. I feel dreamy, as if I were in a fairytale; not waiting to be saved rather enjoying life. I feel inspired, something I haven't felt in a long while. It's as if the night under the Moon, near the ocean, I tuned into my creativity and found inspiration, at least I pray that's the case. 

I am not sure how inspiration disappeared however I am ecstatic that it seems to be with me again. I realized earlier today that it's been over a month since I last shared; I'm working on writing and sharing more often. The thing I believe is holding me back from doing so is having the words to share without feeling as if I'm being redundant. So far, waiting for the words to come to me seems to have the best expression; however that leaves days and at times weeks without writing anything. Now I feel the energy of the approaching New Moon and the effects of that, allowing me to tap into my core self and find the words to share. The other night I typed a bit as I sipped champagne and listened to music; I decided to do the same this evening, but sadly I couldn't open the bottle so I chose golden ticket instead. As I allowed the music to move me, I began to focus on my thoughts and as I tuned into them I realized I was experiencing the feeling of gratitude. I began to thank GOD for all of the things I am grateful for, including the current state of my being. I feel as if the concoction that I consume on a regular basis is helping me in a way that I only dreamed of, I still deal with anxiety and at times depression, but now that I've been diagnosed bi-polar and taking the proper medication for it; I feel as if it tames triggering situations and allows me to process my emotions in a better way than I would in the past. 

I will admit, I was depressed for a while prior to the night mentioned above, I was able to recognize this and make the necessary adjustments in order to shake those feelings. I've been walking a lot lately, taking more control over my fitness. I've been thinking a lot about my self and ways I can improve and one way has been to pay close attention to the thoughts that I allow to flourish. I ask myself if the thought is for my highest good or will it make anything "better" and if the answer is "no" I make an effort to replace it with something more in alignment with the person I am "working" to become. Remembering some of the toughest times in my life and looking at how my life is today I can't help but feel a sense of appreciation and as I stated earlier, gratitude and thankfulness. I nearly have tears in my eyes because my life has been a rollercoaster since 2012; and if I'm being honest since 2005. The think about 2005- 2012 there were mostly ups rather than the downs of a rollercoaster. but since 2012, much of that was a struggle because that's when I was first diagnosed. it's almost ten years since then (in September 2022) and I feel a sense of relief as I havent been hospitalized since around 2017, which is when I got the bi-polar diagnosis. 

I often dream of winning a jackpot, I then think of the house I intend to purchase and the car I'd drive. In these lucid dreams I can feel the emotion connected to such occurrences. I smoked a cigar for the first time in years; I felt as if I were celebrating. As one song ends and another begins I feel in tune with the lyrics as they are in alignment with my current state of being. With all of the techniques I've learned in therapy over the years, along with my current monthly "check in's", I feel more at peace with myself. I feel as if I know myself in a much better way than in previous years. I think wisdom plays a key part in that as I believe I am much wiser than in my younger years. I pray I continue to grow and learn myself as I am constantly changing (for the better). I hope you all are well and in good spirits, if not I pray you have a good support team or person in place to help you though whatever you may be concerned about. I appreciate the emails I receive with words of appreciation and encouragement. 

until next time,

Kamille 💗⭐

Happy Birthday, to Me

As a new year has begun I am feeling renewed, more focused on my self as well as motivated to accomplish various manifestations I have in my heart. I can feel myself letting go of previous desires while embracing new ones. 2021 taught me quite a few lessons and made me come to a few realizations. I intend to use the lessons learned to create a wonderful 2022, leaving behind all of the things which no longer serve me. With perfect timing the Full Moon approaches at this moment, encouraging us to do just that, set intentions while letting go. Steely Dan is playing in the background and the aroma of Animal Mints fills the air; I feel as if I've been in a similar space before, where my soul is urging me to begin again. To access certain situations which affected my mood and how I began to dwell in the outcomes of a couple relationships. 

I find it's been a bit easier than it was initially, where I thought of all the possibilities lost rather than the newfound opportunities that await. Now the sound of Pink Floyd sets the mood and I feel great! I had a good day, I feel as if I was successful in obtaining positive results regarding a matter that suddenly appeared in my life. I later completed a tarot spread that was uplifting and encouraging, the cards seemed to be aligned along with the Moon to my inner most thoughts, prayers and wishes. Sleep seems to be the last thing on my mind as I dive into my imagination and sort though what I find. I am anticipating a social gathering scheduled for a few days from now, a celebration of life; which is always a joy. I'm also anticipating becoming another year older, wondering what's in the stars for me this year. 

Wanting to add the smell of vanilla to the mix, I allow the music to take over; Goapele's "Closer" is playing and I love this song because the lyrics speaks to me intentions; encouraging me to continue to press forward toward my goals and dreams. I recently changed my jewelry from black onyx to pink sapphire, prior to making that decision I felt as if I'd gone through a portal; coming out in a different mindset and a transformed heart. After making the switch I began to feel lighter, more grounded and in tune with my self. I'd been avoiding certain spaces in my heart, almost afraid of what I may discover still brewing in there. In meditation I found pieces of my self that needed some love and attention, so that's exactly what I am giving.  Learning more each day to nurture my self and give the necessary attention to various aspects of who I am. As I massage my third eye I am compelled to paint; I feel inspired to be creative in an expression I have yet to discover. I'm not very good at drawing, but I want to teach my self in this moment. 

That's another thing I'm working on, living in the moment; which also helps with anxiety. Now I want a snack; I think I actually have the munchies; it's funny because that hasn't happened to me in quite some time. After raiding the kitchen to quench my appetite I allowed days to pass and to my surprise I painted something, I stayed up and watched as midnight came on my birthday; I had a difficult day yesterday, but I am certain things will work themselves out to the highest good of all involved. Which becomes a lesson or maybe a test on letting go of preconceived ideas regarding certain outcomes. One thing I've already done differently this year is I'm allowing friends to celebrate my birthday with me; usually my tradition has been to spend my birthday with my self, but this year a friend asked and I actually said "yes". 

So here's to doing things differently and allowing ourselves to be celebrated and loved; beginning with receiving that from ourselves first. I asked my self what I wanted to do, shortly after I found my self rolling a blunt and packing a bowl. I also want coffee, but then I think I'd stay up all morning and I have a somewhat long day ahead so that's not my ideal choice of beverages at this moment. I switched from Animal Mints to Blue Dream, which some of you know is my favorite strain (next to Golden Ticket). I set the intention in December 2021 to have it for New Year's Eve as well as for my birthday; and the Universe came through in a very unique way, which still leaves me in awe. That's the thing about small miracles; for me it seems you have to believe and have faith in the little ones which helps manifest the big ones. Once again I remembered the hash for my bowl which sends me to another space in my being. Beginning to feel happy, a feeling I havent felt for a short while. 

In this moment I am thankful for where I am today and grateful for guidance I've received thus far. I feel as if a bright future is awaiting me. I can admit, I haven't always felt that way; there's something different going on inside my heart and soul today. It feels as if they are aligning in a new way. Being able to recognize my own behaviors has been helpful these past few years, I feel as if the lessons learned has been downloaded into my being in order to assist in preventing similar mishaps. As I meditate and reflect on my life up until this point I feel introspective, like I have a new understanding of my self. That also makes me happy, which is a word I don't use often; I am not completely sure way. All I know is it is a space I would like to dwell in for an extended period of time, but then time is a man  made construct. As Donald Byrd plays I am feeling a bit carefree; the song seems uplifting and encouraging to move past obstacles with ease and grace. I am learning that lesson as I type.

Soon after the song ended, read a meme which says "you have been shaken out of your comfort zone; the Universe is inviting you to grow. allow this process to take place. you are so strong, don't lose sight of what is meant for you", author unknown.  I feel like that explains the feelings from earlier. I am open to growth, in all aspects of my being; I've felt that way before, many Moon's ago during a time when things had fallen apart and came together so beautifully. I suppose I fear that once things come together beautifully, something comes along and tears it apart again. I'm working on overcoming that fear and not allowing anxiety to harp on it. I hope you all have a wonderful day; until next time.

two blunts and a bowl

 "maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots"

Rumi

The energy of the New Moon has me in my feelings, giving me a craving for Cherry Pie I suppose wanting to experience the feelings of relaxation and another space in happiness. I think I've been a little moody lately; I am not sure because I tend to spend a lot of time with myself and my puppy. He got high today, usually when I smoke he leaves the room; for some unknown reason he decided to stay (I think I attribute that to the Moon as well). After nearly a year I have yet to unpack and at times that makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point I don't know where to begin. As I was reading my blog I was reminded of my hopes and dreams, especially the new ones, giving them the time and space necessary to develop. I haven't thought about that strain in quite some time, I couldn't even begin to guess how many years it's been. Yet, I recall the feeling of it and the thoughts that came to mind during those moments. It was a time when life was good and I was in what I feel was my best health (mentally as well as physically). Yesterday I came across photographs that were "coincidentally" in alignment with the thoughts on my mind. In that moment I smiled. Feeling as if I can manifest a similar reality, understanding that the way my life was will not be the same as it would be now based on particular experiences which have contributed to my growth (mind, body and spirit).

At times I feel as if I pick myself apart, seeing how I know of a few areas yearning for my attention I have a slight case of anxiety in getting started. I know beginning is the first step I need to get over followed by consistency. I recall a time when I'd walk/run for five (5) miles a day, every day; I long for those days to come again so I joined a gym, although I have yet to schedule my first session the fact that I joined is a step in the right direction. I feel rested, which makes that saying "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest"; I think that's the reason I've been so reluctant to get in the gym and actually begin exercising. As Pink Floyd plays in the background I am reminded of a friend who I miss dearly, I mentioned before how his birthday was earlier this month. One of the last times I saw him, we sat in his backyard; talking, listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album while he smoked. In the silent moments we watched the stars. I stumbled across a photo of him as well, remembering moments we shared and conversations had. So many confirmations of the feeling that I've felt connected to him recently, knowing I can cherish the memories and not long for a time that is long gone. 

I've been doing that lately, letting go of longing for things to be as they were once upon a time. Understanding that I must allow space for new moments and experiences with new people as well as those currently apart of my being. I decided to pack my bowl with nothing but hash and the high combined with the vibe has sent me out of this world, I feel as if I am in my own little bubble; which reminds me of this bubble gum hash I had in 2016 (chef's kiss). That's an experience I'd like to have again, anticipating what the effects would be now that I'm in another space. I've been proud of myself lately, taking a newfound approach to various practices I can see the improvements and I am encouraged to continue. I began reading a book on "The Power of Habits" and I can see now how I've been focused on my habits for a while now, as mentioned in my last post, new dreams. Seeing how I've grown with each new responsibility and how I am handling things given my conditions, I feel at peace. In the past I would have had an anxiety or panic attack at some point, but these days I take many deep breaths and move forward; with the exception of unpacking and exercising more. I've been thinking and talking about growth a lot, I believe as the new year and a new age approaches it has that on my mind.  

I feel as if I've began searching my roots, not in the aspect of ancestry, but more like the roots of my soul. I used to be afraid of diving into the deepest parts of my self; now not so much. I figure if I began to familiarize myself with that aspect of me the branches will blossom.I am not sure my therapist understands me, or at least how to "treat" me since I am not having manic episodes. That says a lot seeing how we've been in a pandemic for too long to remember. I have got to teach myself how to roll a joint, I taught myself how to roll blunts and bowls are simple; joints have been problematic for me. Tonight seems like a time for a joint, especially since I've already have two (2) blunts and a bowl. I completed a tarot spread then brought out the Golden Ticket, one I've experienced only via cannabis oil as of late.  And just like that, I rolled my first smokeable joint. As 4am approaches and I am no closer to sleep than I was at 4pm, yesterday. The music is on random and of course Pandora is trying me with the song selection at times, but a good vibe nonetheless. I can not seem to find my crystals; while packing, I moved them at the last minute and can't remember where I put them and since I haven't fully unpacked (as mentioned earlier) I don't know where to begin looking; then I get overwhelmed again. I've meditated and asked the Universe to show me where they are and I am patiently awaiting the reveal. 

I had to switch to Tidal because Pandora was effecting my vibe. For a quick second I felt as if I had ADD; I don't know if I want to continue writing and listening to music, read or unpack and manifest discovering my crystals. I think I'll brew a cup of coffee and allow my thoughts to lead me on what to do. Before making my coffee; which I infused with cannabis oil, I read a bit from my book while listening to music. I feel energetic as if at some point of the day I'll do a bit of cleaning and unpacking. I don't know why I'm stalling when it comes to unpacking, I won't "woulda, coulda, shoulda" myself about it since that dwells on the past and there's nothing I can do to go back and do things differently. As 6am soon come I realize I may not sleep until the afternoon, if then. I began microdosing since I added the oil to my coffee as not to get so high I end up getting sleepy or tripping. The Beatles play and I am feeling all of the feelings throughout my body, reminding me to schedule a time to see my chiropractor as well as my masseuse, I feel the stress moving around causing slight discomfort. 

The thing about oil is it acts like an edible and the effects "kicks in" randomly. My dog is dreaming, and snoring; I think it's cute and it makes me happy to know his high didn't cause him a bad trip. That happens from time to time, I can tell by his behavior while he's asleep. Pink Floyd is on again, this time one of my favorite songs by them, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5)"; I don't know what it is about this song that gives me thoughts of nostalgia. Followed by "Closer" by Goapele, which makes me feel focused and optimistic for the future that I am manifesting. Times like these make me feel as if the Universe is speaking to me through the music as the lyrics are so close to what's been on my mind. My neighbors are beginning to leave for work and I feel slightly melancholy because I am not in a position to work anytime soon. I've had memories in my dreams regarding previous days at work, especially around the "anniversary" of my initial anxiety attack nearly ten (10) years ago. I see improvement on how I handled the "anniversaries" of my hire date thirteen (13) years ago and the day of the illness. I see my blessings and I am grateful for where I am today. 

I still don't feel the oil yet, at least not in a bold way, it's quite subtle. For some reason I'm feeling the indica side more than sativa, that's the thing about hybrid's, you don't really know how the effects will present themselves. As I begin to plan my day, thoughts of having a spa day or as I like to call it, a "Kamille Appreciation Day"; I decide that's a fantastic idea! Retirement is interesting; I recall being drunk at a friend's house many Moon's ago and I went on a rant about a statement claiming to have a life where "Everyday is Saturday", meaning I'd have time to run errands, relax and do whatever tasks I find for myself. In a way that's my life. With the exception of Sunday. My days of being drunk are long gone, but that statement stuck with me, the trouble I seem to have had thus far has been finding what I'm passionate about to fill the days. Today I intend to unpack a bit, rest, wash my hair and go to the gym for thirty (30) minutes to an hour. I feel balanced, yet looking forward to my therapy session on Monday; I've given a bit of thought regarding our last session and I know I have more thinking to do before the next. I have yet to finish my coffee, but I am feeling the effects of the cannabis I've had today (hash, flower and oil). I've decided to do some unpacking and allow the day to flow from there. I pray you all are well. I hope to share again in the near future; until then, be well.

Kamille 💗✨

new dreams

I had a cough for about a month or so; which contributed to my lack of expressions on the blogs and social media. I am much better now, which lets me know that it was not anything to be concerned about. Since I was monitoring my cough I choose not to smoke marijuana during that time, I noticed a difference in myself when I was "sober"; I've learned a few things about some habits I have that I need to "break", I've also learned to acknowledge my value and how I see myself. I believe during my impromptu tolerance break I took a dive into my self; I thought a bit about what my passions are and what new dreams I may have. I did notice a change in my dreams while sleeping, the day dreams have almost remained the same. I feel as if a new life is awaiting me, a life I will be happy in and find passion and joy. I also gave thought into what inspires me since what used to inspire doesn't have that effect any longer. A while ago there was a night where a peaceful rain showered my neighborhood, it was delightful. With the New Moon, I felt as if the past (up until this point) was being washed away and with the dawning of the Sun new goals and dreams were being formed. As New Moon's symbolize new beginnings I felt it divine that my tolerance break ended at this time. Then I studied a tarot spread which focuses on the New Moon in Libra and asks about harmony, balance and companionship, all areas I've been giving much thought to. The cards drawn to me were loving and "coincidentally" in alignment with my recent thoughts and feelings, especially after recognizing areas in need of work. I couldn't sleep that night, the rain was too nice and I had a lot on my mind; then inspiration came and I decided to write. 

I intended to be social last month, with a wedding and a couple gatherings scheduled; I began to feel anxiety and then I allowed it to show me what was necessary for me to deal with and move past those feelings. I allowed the anxiety to transmute into excitement, since I am happy for the people beginning a new chapter in their lives as well as the one I feel on the horizon for myself. As I drifted off to sleep I kept thinking about winning the lottery. I feel like its a sign for me to play, I think I'm waiting on the right energy to do so; I figure I'm not ready to play as long as I have doubts about winning. I'm praying for the right time and place to make my move, that way I feel as though I'd be sure to win. Aside from a few purchases for myself I'd do good with the abundance, when I finally went to sleep I had pleasant dreams about just that. I've been in my feelings a lot lately, thinking about what I want for the near future and at times I draw a blank while other times I know exactly what I'd like to happen. I feel as if it's in those moments I am manifesting my reality. I was happy to hear the differences in myself have been noticeable. Seeing how I spend a lot of time and energy on self-improvement, it's always nice when it becomes clear to others as well. I began therapy recently and I will admit it has been helping me keep myself balanced. 

As John Coltrane plays in the background I feel mellow, I attribute that to the Golden Ticket; cannabis oil I added to my coffee the past couple of days. As I dive deep into my thoughts I realize an area where I feel overwhelmed, now that I am aware of this I can find ways to alleviate the anxiety surrounding it. Today I am reminded of a friend who was so instrumental in my growth as it is his birthday; yet he isn't here to celebrate it. The past few night's I've enjoyed the Crescent Moon. I love the Moon through all of her phases, however this time the energy of the Crescent Moon hit me differently. I felt more in tuned with myself; if a new and refreshing way. It's been a while since I've shared and I will admit, it feels a bit odd as the words flow together differently from my mind to my fingers as I type them. Faced with various distractions I am glad to be able to share again, along with therapy, I find it therapeutic. I hope you all are well, I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to preparing for the New Year. I want to get more focused on my goals and dreams next year; well, beginning now throughout the New Year. I like this feeling, it feels like possibility and opportunity; as if there has been a transformation of sorts. As if I can feel my "glow up" approaching, with adding more fitness into my lifestyle and adjusting various self-care as well as dietary products. I've learned the long and hard way of crash dieting and how it does not work well for me, now that I am seeing results from the changes I've made; I am encouraged to continue. 

To be continued...

high

I haven't smoked for a little while and in as many days I've had trouble sleeping, of course I believe the two things are connected. I'm awake with random thoughts and I begin to obsess (blame OCD). As I type I am contemplating rolling up just so the night doesn't turn into morning again; I have yet to decide. As the music plays in the background I am consumed with thoughts of being in a space of relaxation that only cannabis can provide, so I begin to pull out my tools and reach for the animal mints. Once the blunts are rolled I began to zone out, actually in that space of relaxation I mentioned before.

This morning I added animal mints cannabis oil to my coffee and began my day of organizing and cooking. I then remember the nights this week where I was fortunate enough to gaze at the Moon at my leisure,  I then realize that I hadn't done my monthly check-in tarot spread. So I looked up the site where I find the questions to ask myself when pulling cards and I see the spread for the Full Moon and decide to do that one instead. The reading informed me that I am in alignment with my higher self as the cards showed confirmation of things that have been on my mind lately; regarding my hopes and dreams. 

The other night I was feeling down on myself about my capabilities to do certain things when I remembered many occasions where I thought I could not do something until I was doing it. For example: a few years ago my (2) puppies ran away, they were gone for nearly two (2) weeks. When they returned I learned my female puppy was pregnant while she was delivering her puppies, initially I was shocked and frozen; then I snapped out of my fog and began to assist as her midwife. She delivered four (4) of her puppies when I realized she wasn't giving the last puppy the same attention as she gave the others. I took her to the animal hospital where she delivered for fifth (5) puppy. Once she and her litter were examined I fainted. The hospital called the paramedic which took me to the nearest emergency room. Since you can't or perhaps shouldn't re-home puppies from their mother for at least eight (8) weeks, I had three (3) puppies of my own (I purchased another dog within that two (2) week period my puppies were gone) plus the litter of five (5); totaling eight (8) puppies. I did it successfully without any mishaps, I found pride in myself for the ability to do that. The other accomplishment is how I manifested my current living situation; I am happy.

I often find that I am more in tune with myself when I am high; I feel as if my intuitiveness is heightened and I can see things from an alternate perspective. I've been feeling great, riding the high from the oil to the blunts which obviously assisted in deciding to write an expression today. That's the thing about the strains I choose, they typically aide in my creativity, which is a wonderful thing. As I watched the Moon this week I felt an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and gratitude for all of the many blessings and answered prayers in my life. For a brief moment I had lost sight of them, thinking of how things could be had I not been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder at the height of my career. Then I thought, if I were stressed and unhappy then, had I continued on that path I'd likely still be that way. Although I've suffered plenty of losses since the onset of these illnesses I have gained peace, insightfulness and gratefulness. 

I don't think I can truly express how grateful I am for my life currently; I used to be afraid to say a thing like that because I thought if I expressed how happy I am in my life something was bound to happen to disrupt that. I now know that is no longer a part of my reality, and that train of thought serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy; since that's where I'd be sending my energy. Knowing that line of thinking is a low energy vibration and would attract misfortune to me. I now keep my thoughts on happiness, abundance and mindfulness; which leaves no energy for anything on the flip side of that. I wrote before about how I was annoyed with the outcome of a particular situation; I am happy to say I no longer feel that way. Giving much thought to it and dwelling in the energy of it was not good for my well-being so with writing, prayer and meditation I was able to overcome those emotions. Thank you to everyone who reached out while I was teetering on the brink of depression. That's one of the things about depression, if for a moment I lose myself in feelings and emotions of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" I can spiral into depression and it can take a while to recover. Something I no longer wish to experience. 

Of course the night has turned to day and I am still wide awake; I figured I'd capitalize on the newfound energy and make another drink infused with cannabis oil. I find the cannabis oil works best for me in hot beverages with (coconut) milk or a creamer; I tend to feel the effects longer and with great potency. I opted for Tidal because Pandora often triggers feelings of heartbreak or heartache if I allow it to shuffle through the station; I know it's partly to do with my energy and when it comes to thoughts other than my hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations they drift off onto a person. So I thought tonight, well today I should listen to a playlist made when I did not have them on my mind and lo and behold; it's helping. 

Today I opted for hot chocolate with my cannabis oil, I then downloaded an app and discovered a few classic movies that I usually enjoy watching so I made an impromptu decision to have a "Kamille Appreciation" Day; planning to watch movies and unwind, taking a break from my day to day. As I light the last blunt I have rolled I look up and notice it's 4:20 (am), talk about synchronicity; so I inhale and think of those dreams I mentioned above and exhale, letting go of things which no longer serve me. Including thought processes, beliefs, and such. As I sit as the music plays I find myself feeling elated that I am getting better with my tarot readings, for myself as well as others. 

I am reminded that I have yet to review my horoscope for the month as well, I don't know how I allowed the month to get away from me. Then it dawned on me, the last time I posted an expression on the blog was exactly one (1) month ago to the day. I plan to do a bit better at staying motivated and inspired to write a little more. I guess that's why I wanted to check in and say "high" since it's been so long. I hope you all are doing well and in good health (mentally, physically as well as emotionally). 

Until next time,

Kamille