paint them all

Feeling the effects of the Super Full Moon approaching; and seemingly in alignment with the principle of this time, as I have been writing about intuition, manifestation, dreams, etc. seeing how it is synchronized within my being. In the mood for exercise, when I speak with my physician I'll have that discussion, until then I think I'll relax and keep my attention on healing [physically as well as spiritually]. Emotionally, I am in a space where I may be able to distinguish the thoughts and feelings to share with you all and those that should remain private. It came to me suddenly as I as writing this expression. As I began to battle within about a decision so simple, as a matter of a location and if I am obligated to invite someone or if I can enjoy it alone? The word choice of obligation is interesting as it suggests I am responsible for anyone other than myself [and Rocko].

For sake of showing my age, I am an "empty nester", so who other than my emotional support animal am I responsible for? The origin of these thoughts showed up in therapy last week, thinking how guilt consumes me when I put myself first. I won't go any deeper into that however, I will say that is something boundaries can resolve; I believe. As [technically] an only child with one child I find the memories of my youth being called selfish or some other concept without context that inferred something being "wrong" with putting oneself first and to be selfless at all points. Which [along with other factors] leads to a stroke and other ailments while in my mid-40's. 

It's unfortunate it took all of this to catch my attention; causing me to slow down long enough to allow my body to hear the screams coming from within. I am thankful to have caught the cancer very early on as well as having a very minor stroke; both could have been much further along seeing how I'd been so "busy" I was neglecting certain things within. I am grateful for another chance of reaching my dreams, knowing the "testimony" of others who have experienced similar circumstances and bouncing back better than before in a lot of cases gives me inspiration. The idea of writing my testimony in real time comes to mind, as if we are all waiting for the plot twist and the win's to begin. 

Recognizing the tension in my body and wondering how I got this way; so uptight and unable to relax. I remember when it began, shortly before the anxiety attack in 2012, it built up to a point it created such tension that I exploded so to speak. I do not wish to find that space again, so I am attempting to manage it and allow it to release into some other energy. I want to go to the beach and put my feet in the water, unfortunately Southern California beaches are not the place for such. 

I think I'm bored.  

I learned this time with the Super Full Moon and other placements within the solar system the time suggests for karmic balance. The thing is, I don't quite believe in karma; although I understand that none of us are perfect at time it seems as if karma can be too harsh on some and too lenient on others in my opinion. As if there isn't much balance in it to begin with; I figure the "time should represent the 'crime'" so to speak. But it comes across as unfair. Favoring some while really punishing others. I don't like the idea of karma and its haphazard way of discipline. 

The song says "ooh, hey/ I'm trying to decide/ which way to go/think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere" as Erykah Badu sings of decisions and alternate endings from my interpretation. I feel that in my soul, as it is again in alignment with my subject matter as of late. I've been thinking a lot about dreams and where I'd like to see myself in the near as well as distant future. Aside from being alive, I want to be living; not simply existing. I desire my quality of life to be gentle and kind, surrounded by love.   

A month post- stroke, and not the good kind; I feel as if I have entered a new era of my life. An era of boundaries, true self- care and self-love; not just the words but the actions as well. I desire to shed more pounds while toning up and becoming more shapely. I desire for my hair to continue growing thick, long and healthy as it once was. Along with other mini goals about the physical that come to mind. Financially, I want to do more of what I've begun; taking my finances to a higher level. Emotionally, I desire to pour out my heart in therapy and shuffle through what's there; healing the Kamille who needs more love. Spiritually, I desire to be closer and more understanding of my Creator. Like the song declares, "a closer walk with thee" or the poem "footprints" as through the hardest times God carries us rather than us walking alone.

I had to remember that some time ago, realizing although physically it may seem as if I am alone, God has been with me every step of the way; encouraging me to continue. I feel as if I have yet to fulfill my purpose therefore how can I leave? I made sure to gather some information in regard to life insurance and what I currently have with the exception of a few changes. I am somewhat pleased yet the advance directive still needs some blanks filled in. 

There was a time I had no interest in the things I find interesting, I know that is a symptom of depression. I am now in a space where I am finding interest in those things again, just in time for some major shake up's in the Cosmos. Scrolling Instagram I see a tarot spread for the Full Moon that caused me to stop scrolling briefly; the question was "what am I trying to 'escape'?" and I thought of that as I had daydreams about relaxing on a tropical beach with my friend, a cocktail, a book or journal and my thoughts. Thinking perhaps I am attempting to escape my hidden feelings, thoughts and emotions. The ones that play in the subconscious and show up in certain behaviors unexpectedly.

Another question asked was "what hidden emotions are being illuminated right now?" I read that after writing the above thoughts. The emotion that comes to mind is loneliness, I feel isolated although at times I am surrounded by people. Interestingly enough the song that's playing is titled "Solitude" by The Red Garland Quintet, putting me in a space of freedom. The freedom to rest or embrace what I am feeling and how it is manifesting. It's not quite the attitude of being alone per se, but more of a feeling from within. 

Blue nails and a colorful dress is the attire of the day, honoring the final days of Summer; with Autumn soon approaching I want to begin with more season appropriate colors. I had to wear a sweater this evening to put it into context, California Fall is beautiful in its own way; surprisingly feeling like Spring from time to time. Debating on this next joint, to my surprise this random hybrid strain is doing what I wanted it to do; make me feel relaxed and uplifted. Feeling encouraged to stay until the job is done or the goals have been reached. 

The idea of writing goals comes to mind and I realize I wrote a few above, another idea was to beginning the book for real this time. The idea of where to begin comes to mind and I think should I begin with a deadline in mind may be the way to go. The music is random and the vibe I have feels a bit of scattered energy with sprinkles of another feeling I don't quite understand. Looking at a list of emotions, the word enchanted stuck out the most and as my lover and I text I discover the reason I resonated with that more than anything else...

If you're familiar with my other blog you are aware of my feelings toward vulnerability. The thought of the level of vulnerability I have expressed within these past few expressions make me proud of the growth. Finally found the space where the negative, overly critical voices of people I know are no longer stopping me from writing my truth. The limiting beliefs that have been around since childhood; the highly critical parents, teachers, friends, etc. Hearing their voice when you are about to step out on a ledge toward something new, different, or loving. 

I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow, I completed the assignment and I feel good about that. So much so that it inspired me to complete this expression that began about a week ago. I lit the joint; in what I like to call "my hippie space" where I feel heavy yet as if I could float away at any moment. I keep putting the joint out as I am pacing my self as I feel as if I am reaching in the direction of my higher self. Awaiting the day that she and I are truly one. Curious to know why the thought that I am not already her surprises me as I realize inward I am her; I suppose I am simply looking forward to when that is expressed on the outside.

My friend and I share pictures often and after sharing baby through adolescent phones we noticed how at times I show the same facial expressions or how my style is somewhat the same with the bracelets and polka dots. With the exception of the weight I guess that could be true; it's just the way I see myself and the way I am seen differs leaving me to realize that in some ways that should change. The way I view myself and the areas in myself where the esteem isn't as "high" as other areas. That however is for the moderate or long term when it comes to goals, right now I am thinking of taking it piece by piece until I understand it's roots and heal the whole branch [so to speak]. 

How do you measure beauty? Based on the past or the here and now? I was very pretty in my standard of beauty until I gained weight, but now that the pounds are shedding I have to reimagine what beautiful or pretty is. At this big age I have to see the beauty in myself in order for someone outside of myself to do the same. The quote goes "people can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves", meaning how can I desire to reach a depth with my lover or friends and family that I have yet to experience for myself? My desire is to get to a depth of vulnerability with myself that I have been afraid to allow space for thus far. My referral is for quite a bit of sessions as it has been a while since I've been in therapy; another thing I am looking forward to; unpacking the memories I have and truly letting go of the ones I've forgotten. 

My nails match my dress and I feel very "girly" and Summer-y even though it is now night and the Full Moon is on display. The Sun truly played a part in my enjoyment today which is rare for me as I feel as if it may betray my love for the Moon; knowing deep within that it doesn't. The idea to repaint my nails comes to mind and I think this time I must paint them all and not just on my hands. The excuse to way I never polish my own nails is because my boobs and belly prohibited me from reaching and doing a good job when in actuality I just prefer being pampered. I feel as if I should do more of that, pampering myself and really recognizing all of the areas and ways I've neglected myself and do a better job at spreading love from within.

118

  "what if I told you I'm incapable of tolerating my own heart?"

Virginia Woolf

It was the end of August [this year] when I began this expression, some others flowed at a different rate and were published at the time of being written. This one had a quote by Virginia Woolf which needed some time to dissect That's how I came across another Woolf quote which I wrote to, "beautiful dreamer" I mentioned being in an unfamiliar space and embracing myself; I suppose to a new depth that without saying I've never experienced before. It wasn't until it [the quote] was fully understood that I was somewhat able to begin with how I interpreted the words and how they resonated with me. 

118 is a special number for me as it represents the month and day of my birth, as the 1 signifies new beginnings and 8 is for abundance or luck; all together allowing for the ability to manifest dreams and the like. I notice a lot of alignment in my life yet the results as far as lucky manifesting not so much. I don't understand where the breakdown is, I just know there is one. Seeing how yesterday was "positive thinking day" according to National Day Calendar I thought to spend some time with the homework given in my last therapy session and ponder the dreams of my life as they are now. 

This is the 118th expression on this blog, right around the time of this obscure "holiday" with a couple of weeks until October; which happens to be "positive attitude month". Along with Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a great deal of others. It is also my Dad's birthday; which I am still grieving as grieving goes. With the knowledge of these dates I feel as if I am being prepared to get to the other side of this time into the joy and happiness I am looking forward to experiencing. My Dad is the person who introduced me to numerology [indirectly]. He'd randomly text or call me at 1:18 in the afternoon and we'd chat; now when I see those digits I smile and think fondly of my Dad. 

To focus on positivity for the rest of September going into October knowing it is the goal to have a positive attitude; followed by a series of pleasant as well as unpleasant dates between now and the Love holidays in February [13th - 15th]. Add a [good] new therapist to the equation and I feel as if I am setting myself up for dreams to come true. It goes back to trusting my intuition rather than second guessing, hesitating, or flat out rebelling against it. For some time I've been afraid to follow my intuition as if I'd lose the grip I have on sanity. I have been afraid of a particular path I've experienced before and did not enjoy. An experience filled with unrequited love, hospitalizations and medication. 

Being on the "right path" can be scary and people [from my experience] don't talk about that enough. Today is "live creative" day which is suppose is why I felt the need to share a bit of my heart with you all. The song says "it's that love's in need of love today, don't delay, send your in right away" in this moment that song truly resonates with me. As I've shared recently, I think I need more love and I feel as if I am gathering the components to the recipe for a successful outcome. Said components would be a positive mind, an open heart, the appetite for better circumstances, a new/ challenging therapist and a bit of time. 

I think I am in a space where all things have been made equal in my life, as far as the need to refill my cups [mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually]. Letting go of some behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs; while embracing boundaries, accountability and new or improved beliefs.  It all comes down to beliefs really, like, because you believe xyz you have certain thoughts which manifests in particular behavior. I figure to change some behaviors I am not exactly happy with I am now allowing myself the freedom to grow and shed from things I've outgrown. I have never been in this space before, where I am mature enough to handle everything that I would like to improve.

I've been trying my best not to allow my old self, who could be quite the brat to have a tantrum with God about how "this isn't fair" or an attempt to challenge "what else could go wrong?". I am enduring what has become of my life and preparing as I follow my instincts to make things better. I've been doing self-prescribed exercises for my eyes and I am finding some progress as I await my appointment with an eye specialist. I am hopeful; the neurologist informed me that things should correct themselves and I need to allow it time to do so. That was helpful especially with the knowledge of how the body is always in the mode to repair itself. 

I'm feeling as if I am in my ugly duckling phase or perhaps a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. In my spirituality I have some questions, especially in regard to the King James Version of the Bible; but one reoccurring statement in various books speaks of how it is believed that God promised to restore things to people. I feel as if that is what my tears have been asking for, to be restored in a way that it is clear that God's guidance brought me from where I find myself  to a happy and healthy woman. I believe God will do just that and then some the challenge comes from the limiting beliefs we've been programed to believe that causes us to doubt our worthiness for God to do those things for us. 

I wasn't aware until recently of issues I have with self-esteem; I thought it was one thing not knowing it included some things I categorized as something else. I was not aware that being highly critical of yourself is a sign of low self-esteem; or thinking I need to "deserve" something as if I have to prove myself worthy of whatever, even if it is something insignificant. With raising my self- esteem along with changing some beliefs I feel as if I am putting myself in position to achieve what my heart desires. Being able to admit to an area I was blind to within myself is a bit humbling as I'd never put myself and low self-esteem in the same sentence. 

I missed 4:20 by 4 minutes, the joint was ready to be lit and the music was a great flow however, I was writing or updating my playlist. I keep going to light the joint, but I remember how I've been overdoing it a bit and should pace myself a little more. I recognize it can be a distraction at times as I am writing something and having deeper thoughts then talk myself out of sharing, thinking it's too personal. With the idea of creating another journal or blog just for myself seems not only tedious, but as if I'll get a little confused with what to share and what not to leaving me sharing nothing or oversharing. And we all know how I feel about oversharing...

I spoke before about tolerating things and at times to tolerate my own heart feels like a chore. Ironically it is an "assignment" therefore I suppose to tolerate it would take effort. I suppose as soon as I accept my intuition and trust her as she is my healed self leading me to the way in which I pray this journey finds me. That's a concept I am learning to believe for the way it resonates with me. Seeing how I am ready, willing and able to heal I can find my way. That's the best thing I thought of in quite some time if I do say so myself... Maybe learning to tolerate our own hearts is the way?

beautiful dreamer

"I am in the mood to dissolve into the sky."

Virginia Woolf

Biscotti Mints is an interesting strain, it's said to have creative effects; I say interesting because there's another Biscotti Mintz which I suppose is more well known. Having similar effects it feels like the s is better than the z, for me.  The uplifting and calming effects are much needed these days so I thought I'd sit here and see where the thoughts would take me. 

Discovering new strains or strains that have been around for a while, but are new to me is a bit exciting; mainly because I don't completely know what the experience will be. I am in good spirits, thanks to the reefer and availability of the necessary doctors I need to see in regard to my vision. I have yet to think of anything else to add to my gratitude list, but the ability to write has been major. 

Lately, with the talkativeness I felt as if I did not want to overshare anything without being vague. My writing used to be that way; always protecting my thoughts and my heart. In a recent conversation I was speaking with someone about the lottery; comparing how to know where to buy the winning ticket. I then remembered a time when I'd win consistently; not a large sum of cash, but each time I played I won something. Well that was up until I told that to a "friend" who is now a former one. 

It's not completely that I said it aloud, I think it was who I said it to; seeing how that person ultimately did not wish me well; looking for ways to see me fail. Once I recognized the end of the friendship I learned far more of what was going on "under my nose" which confirmed the friendship had died long ago. A ton of proverbs and quotes come to mind about mentioning good news to everyone because everyone isn't rooting for you. Some are able to disguise it better than others, but the bottom line is it causing me to question a few things.

I question how I am to manifest things if when I speak of the good things in my life they find an end. However... never mind. I thought of watching a comedy to further lift my spirits, but the thought of it makes me think I'd rather take a nap. Which I did, and now I am feeling a bit nostalgic; randomly a thought about a particular person came to mind and I wished her well in my thoughts. Nevertheless, the thought of dissolving into the sky like cotton candy sounds like an accurate description of how I think I feel right now. I'd be one of those pink clouds you see around Sun set.

Did I mention I accidentally bought flower instead of pre-rolls? Thankfully I found my bowls so I don't have to roll any joints or blunts. I am terrible at rolling joints, but blunts I can do. Trouble is smoking blunts may deepen my yearning for a cigarette. I've made a lot of changes this year, I intend to continue; even looking forward to the days I can visit the gym. I've been shedding pounds, that "hard to lose" weight has been coming off. Down about 40- 50 pounds since before the pandemic. I felt as if I'd met a plateau only to find the changes I made this year have been supportive of the weight I'd like to drop. 

I don't want to say "lose" because I don't want to "find" it again. I think of making a goal date to see the results and shape of my efforts. I need to consult with my doctor about beginning Maca Root supplements again. I don't know if the hormone regulation component will interfere with the regime I have in place as of now. I feel as if I've gotten off track... I love that time of day, when the Sun sets and the Sky turns all of these beautiful shades of blue, pink, yellow, orange, purple, etc. Especially when I'm sitting at the beach with a joint or a few and good music. At times I'll even look forward to good company as a bonus.  

Fun fact, I don't swim. I mention that because the idea of dissolving into the sky and becoming a cloud is what I imagine swimming would be. Gliding in the water while stretching my limbs fully and bringing them back just seems so freeing. I've taken swimming lessons in the past yet could not get past some biases I have about public pools. Thinking of the day I win the lottery... I almost did it again, shared a dream. I don't know what is going on with my ability to manifest good things into my life; and I don't want to dwell on the assumptions of what may be happening, 

I thought I was unfamiliar with the feelings I was experiencing, but I am not. I stumbled upon an expression from 2017 which offered some clarity to those emotions. Interestingly enough I was dealing with the necessity of an advanced directive in those days as well. If I'm not mistaken that may have been when it was introduced to the conversation of my health. As of today I have nearly completed it, which is a big deal. I have yet to nap for the day and I feel a bit elevated causing me to day dream of a home and a level of structure/ security/ stability that us Capricorn's require. 

I've thought of the dreams I can remember from the past few years and to be honest they are strangely similar. I've learned to keep some things private until they come to fruition and my beautiful dream is one of the only things I have right now that brings me joy. I am constantly finding things to be grateful for and that has been making each day better than the one before. Looking forward to the approaching appointments over the next couple of months, the anticipation of the outcome of my vision and the road to acceptance or a return to the "norm". 

I have been praying that it returns to the natural state of being, whole and healthy. The trouble lately has been in my smoke session(s), I feel as if I am smoking to tap into my Soul as well as to relax and unwind yet somehow I feel unproductive if I choose to nap after rather than finish a draft. It took writing that to understand that I also need to rest my eyes when necessary, at least until I have more information as to what has happened. 

Back on Cereal Milk while looking forward of the days I return to Cherry Slurpie, I miss that strain. A lot of time has passed since I began this expression and once again Cherry Slurpie is back on the menu. I feel a bit unfamiliar in my skin, something from within tells me that it has something to do with my first therapy session. I went in with intention and talking points of what I wanted to touch on at our first encounter. She was exactly what I needed and the proof was in the "homework"; I felt challenged and as if I wouldn't be given a gold star just for being there, I had to show up. Her questions provoked thought and encouraged me to go to a space within that may have been requesting attention for some time now.

I want to get to a space within that I have never been before or perhaps I've visited briefly; not long enough to settle in and make a "home". That was during a time when I was healthy, somewhat happy yet in tune spiritually. My abilities were so on point and then an anxiety attack. Unraveling my life like a thread on a sweater, nothing has been the same since and I feel as if after twelve years I had gotten too comfortable with my life then cancer and the stroke in less than twelve months. I noticed the twelve, twelve and seeing how I don't believe in coincidences I feel as if I should refresh my mind concerning the number in numerology. 

Speaking of paying attention to your intuition, spiritual growth, new beginnings and such making me feel as if it was truly a message for me to adhere to. It is believed that the number twelve also represents "completion" which causes me to think about the new beginning today brings. As it is the twelfth year of the anxiety attack that snowballed my life into what it is as of now in addition to the first day of therapy, I figure I'd use this date to rise out of the ashes and manifest a better situation for myself. My therapist brought up a good point today in how I stopped writing privately some time ago and without a therapist prior to today there's a lot of thoughts I choose not to share with you all. They are so personal I have gone all this time without sharing them with another person or friends that it is good to feel as if I can express them and find some insight to what they may have to offer on this side of the journey. 

It may be the reefer, but I feel a bit lighter than I did when I began this expression; as if I am dissolving into the sky on the level of unloading all of the things I've been carrying. Unknowingly weighed down by the past that I barely remember, the present that's kicking my ass and the future of my dreams. The idea of writing a private blog or journal came up and as I am thinking of it now; perhaps that's what I'm supposed to write in this book that I've been encouraged to complete. 

As I read my words and reflected on the session today, I see some similarities in my thoughts and the alignment  and harmony of therapy; as if I made a good choice.  I began this expression a week ago and I believe I've shared enough for now, although I would like to continue writing there are three other expressions to be worked out. Not to mention the private blog or book I am beginning in the very near future. I am committed to embracing myself and listening to my needs and wants for as long as I am here to do so. Accepting this journey has made me second guess a few decision I've made over the course of this life, but here I am so the question is where do I go from here? And how do I make better decisions? I believe with some new tools to overcome as opposed to tolerating a lot of what was weighing me down. 

Not only do I want to continue writing, I also want the music to continue and the vibe to spark a thought or two for the other drafts. I used to wish to be a musician; I even wanted to learn to play violin, unfortunately I was not in an environment which supported such activities. Aside from writing I want to find something to be passionate about and as I typed those words I thought that should be myself. To be passionate about myself; to dissolve into myself and float into the being I dream to be. I think that would be beautiful. 

I think you need love

"Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." 

William Shakespeare

I wrote an expression about adversity prior to learning this quote yet when I read it I knew it was the sentiment I wanted to capture. During a conversation recently I recognized the generations after the 1980's are different. I've longed for the moment I step fully into wisdom; I recall a time when I had young adults in my presence and I'd attempt to provoke thought and confidence. Life happened and we went our separate ways to later get a "Thank you..." email acknowledging the wisdom I'd instilled throughout our journey together. Wisdom to understand perhaps why things may not make sense, but are necessary. To embrace the uncomfortable is not an easy feat, especially when it feels as if life is knocking you around.

As George Bernard Shaw said: "youth is wasted on the young", to gain knowledge which turns to wisdom would be a great asset to have while you're young enough to benefit from it. Having wisdom late in life is great; at least it used to be, as you could educate the youth of the pitfalls and folly to avoid and helpful things like how to maximize opportunities. I may have overshared in the draft I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure; I just know I have doubts about publishing that one. I believe I am experiencing a phase of this life that blindsided me in a why I am trying to figure out. I am looking within and acknowledging the errors of this era, but I feel as if there may be more to this picture than I initially suspected. 

At least I pray it's a phase and I can come out of this with my dreams accomplished and a spirited story to share. I also may have over done it the past few days with the reefer. If not for the way I choose my strains I would probably be upside-down to some extent of the phrase. I feel like my inner-brat is peeking her head out trying to remind me of the days of old when I'd pout and stomp my feet for something to change [for the better]. I don't think the Universe responds to such behavior. I simply want this "trials and tribulations" section of the story to be over. Not suggesting I am ready for the "happily ever after", but something in-between. 

To my surprise I am quite talkative this past few days. I now realize it may have been the energy of the New Moon approaching or perhaps Uranus Retrograde [both of which have begun since beginning this expression]. Maybe it's a combination of all the goings on in my life and the Universe at this time? After refreshing my memory in regard to Uranus as well as the New Moon and their effects I got the sense that I am on the right path, for me. Although this last situation I find myself in concerning the stroke and its aftermath leaves with me a lot of questions. So much so, I've researched a therapist and will take the necessary steps to begin therapy in the very near future. 

I say I felt as if I am on the right path because of my intuition, which is funny because I was just saying I need to trust my intuition quicker than I have been. I am still learning how intuition works and how to understand what my mind, body and/or soul is bringing to my attention. In the recent past I "had a feeling" I should leave a place on a certain day, then at the last minute I decided to stay another day; well that was a bad idea because from the transition of night to day something happened. Another time "I felt a way" resulting in a conversation with my primary care only to later self diagnose and cancel the appointment. Now post-stroke I had to reschedule said appointment; perhaps had I kept the first appointment there would be no need for an appointment now? 

At times I have stopped myself mid-sentence when the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts come into the mix. Today I suppose I needed to hear them out and see why I feel what could be surviver's guilt; about a few things that I have not been able to work out on my own. When I was hospitalized the doctor and nurses were contently telling me how much better off I was than some of the other patients; I was on the stroke floor. I understand putting things into perspective, however, dismissing or devaluing a person's experience because "it coulda been worse" is infuriating.  I mean, it coulda been better; and what's wrong with saying so? It shoulda been better, yet I am still acknowledging that it woulda been better had I done some things differently. 

I want to smoke cigarettes, but I keep finding reasons not to buy my brand and I refuse to smoke anyone else's. Each time this comes up I speak with a friend about it and she offers reinforcements to keep me on the ex-cigarette smoker side of life. The strain of choice these days has been "Cherry Runtz" which contains one of my favorites; "Cherry Pie".  It gives a sense of happiness and relaxation while also giving the scents of a lovely day; I can not put into words what that smells like because it's a feeling,  A feeling that makes me smile a bit, enough to recognize a moment in happiness. That doesn't happen often, feelings of being happy. Like, what is happy? 

Actually looking at the definition I find myself thinking of happiness as something attributed to the fortunate. I use the words "glad" a lot and "joy" often, not relating them to happiness.  I am experimenting with the dosage for the marijuana; I feel as if I am smoking too much in too short of a time span. So the effects gradually come upon me and before I know it I'm too high. Which is why I want to smoke cigarettes; interrupting reefer with tobacco helps me because I can still enjoy smoking without all of the same effects. However, that's still not enough reason to regress. 

I took a moment and thought about how realistic it would be for me to return to college in the Spring and truthfully I find it a but out of reach; unless the issue causing my vision to be impaired is resolved by the time I have to register. I am hopeful. While attempting to give myself a bit of grace, I thought maybe I can go back next Fall? I think that would be more realistic, especially after the year I've had. I figure it is going to take some time to recover from bad health, cancer and a stroke; God forbid I experience any more trauma this year, I feel as if I've been "taught" enough. 

The ideology of life is full of lessons is a bit confusing to me; it's as if we're being taught for unexpected, at times unprovoked "lessons" that's supposed to teach what exactly? The thought of fairness comes to mind which questions "who said life would be fair?" Again checking the dictionary, one definition speaks of being "tolerably good" and I believe since technically none of us "asked" to be here, why would we be unworthy of at least things being tolerably good? Such as when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where "bad behavior" is tolerated and a person then grows older unable to set and reinforce necessary boundaries in their life. Perhaps even "learning" that said behavior may be interpreted as love or passion. 

Finally shining a light onto some of the bad behavior I've endured throughout this lifetime I don't think it's too much to ask for a bit of good, not just tolerable good; but the good that is described as happy. I feel as if I have embraced sorrow and "sour adversity" for far too long, A childhood of abandonment followed by young adulthood of struggle a few pleasant years and now illness. I am not a person who rejoices in having the happy times in the afterlife, all that "when I get to heaven..." talk while experiencing what feels like "hell". There's million of people on the internet claiming to know the way of the Universe; I will admit, I am still learning and somedays I feel as if I am learning from scratch.

From scratch meaning as if I haven't been studying the Universe for the past fifteen years. Then I think, "how long is fifteen years in the grand scheme of the age of the Universe?" A drop in an ocean... Speaking of ocean, I thought of visiting the beach on two occasions and opted out due to the holiday and large crowds. I feel as if I must schedule a visit someday soon as my soul is yearning to meet nature in a soothing way. I do not remember my days as a baby, but I feel as if there may have been a lot of self-soothing ones, I imagine crying until I figured out why and decided to stop. I could be wrong, I hope I am; but I've seen pictures. Nonetheless that's what I'd expect. These days I want a life filled with romanticized circumstances;  allowing myself the space to be soft.

As a black woman I find throughout my life I have been labeled "strong", even in childhood; not completely allowed to be soft. Then to grow older under the "strong, independent woman" trope I felt as if I did not break free until I experienced a break down. Prioritizing spirituality followed by mental health and now the whole being feels like juggling too many balls in the air; one or a few are bound to fall and in this point in life I do not have the privilege of any one of these balls dropping. My spirituality is very important to me however I have to believe that my physical health is just as important for different reasons. 

Learning to appreciate life at a certain age is different from when I was in my youth. I took too many things for granted and perhaps I am now "paying" for them? Our minds have this need to make sense of things, even in things that don't make sense. Or are these apart of those life lessons you don't know how to study for? I am tired and ready to enjoy as much of life as I have left. I want to experience extended joy, happiness and would like to see that in the lives of those I love. Since I've been ill this year, I've been shown the difference in someone saying "I love you" opposed to someone showing their love for you.  Finally getting to a space to accept some will only say the words without putting it into action; and there isn't anything wrong with that. 

I am surrounding myself with those who show love on a regular basis, not just when something tragic happens. I am healing that space within which would long for the days of being in some circles; feeling I'd finally be embraced although that was never shown as a possibility. Acceptance is a funny thing, one minute you're pondering "why...?" and the next you recognize, they just don't like me or we just don't mesh on that level; and that's okay. Sometimes it takes a while for me to acknowledge when things are nonreciprocal, but when I do, I move forward. I am currently in that space, giving myself grace and learning to understand my imperfections and showing myself love. I need more of that.  

dresses with pockets and polka dots

So the appointment went well and I am in much better spirits than I have been for the past couple of weeks. Slowly recognizing grief along with an emergency coming [somewhat] out of the blue caught me off guard; as if dealing with cancer wasn't enough... Nevertheless, life goes on apparently. 

It's interesting how something this major allows one to appreciate some things that may be so minor to someone else; such as the ability to drive to a nail appointment or to the beach on a beautiful afternoon. Those sights and emotions attached are something I want to experience until my final days, the energy of both are "out of this world" for me. 

I am grateful for the fact I was unaware of the stroke with one exception; a glitch with my vision. Aside from that there were no other signs of its occurrence, which says a lot as far as strokes' go. I am thankful to have better options than early on whereas the first doctor suggested things being irreparable with very little research into the matter. I am appreciative for the many prayers, well wishes and positive energy on my behalf from those who love and care for me. 

I made a few changes when it comes to boundaries and sticking with them. As this time of year approaches and I have much to reminisce over, I am choosing to take this time to focus on myself rather than being so easily accessible. Taking the necessary time and energy for self-care, self-improvement, healthcare and the like. I thought I was doing fairly well with the exception of some health needs as the primary focus had been on getting cancer in remission. 

I was almost jokingly telling a couple of people about how I stopped smoking [about a pack and a half a day], changed some eating habits and that's when I have a stroke? Seems a bit odd; then I considered the lasting effects of such behaviors and as my body and mind had the ability to slow down from the "busy" life I was leading prior to cancer. Perhaps the damage was done and I slowed down enough for it to catch up with me?  

Summer is my least favorite time of year to visit the beach; too many people and anxiety, not the right combination for what I consider a good time. Then I thought I would have to give up driving, which was yet another reason I was devastated and depressed for approximately two weeks. That's when this all began, about two weeks ago; literally in a blink of an eye. Things are good then they're not. It's so clichè to get on a "soap box" encouraging others to be mindful of their health after finding myself in such predicament having to reconsider some things I am exhausted from having them apart of my daily life. Medication, daily is not the life I would have signed up for.

I expressed these thoughts when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, so much so I explained to the doctor I did not want to be prescribed medication after medication based on the side effects of one causing issues resulting in another. Yet here we are, with that being the case with my health scaring me left and right. I have an appointment with my primary care physician this week and I intend to discuss the matter with her and see if we can reach a compromise. 

I've been on cherry slurpie for quite some time, all Summer; I think. I'd put in on the list near Golden Ticket or Blue Dream for various reasons. It takes a lot of effort to be grateful and such when you're sick; yet I don't feel as if I am special for doing that. I feel as if some people are able to achieve those emotions without much effort, that's special. However, as stated on the previous expression Capricorn's are known to be pessimistic I find it special that I've learned to tap into the other elements of my natal chart in order to blend my personal solar system into something unlike my nature with what comes with a bit of ease [as it's been a practice for some time now]. 

On the bright side [no pun intended] I've spent time with the Moon in her various phases while dealing with the happenings of the past couple of weeks. She brings me peace and a sense of love that I only get when connected to the Moon. Without the beach and a few other pleasures I am finding the effort to find acceptance quickly and to my satisfaction news came in as I heard it in my meditations and prayers. 

One of my favorite dresses has polka dots and pockets, it's also a long maxi dress; another favorite. Today was like my favorite polka dot dress with pockets. The past couple weeks I've been focused on my health [mental, physical, financial, emotional, etc.] realizing I've been putting bandages on some real wounds that need serious attention, discipline and a better awareness. For the past fifteen years spirituality was on the forefront of my mind. Making sure to stimulate my pineal gland and "speaking life into my higher self"; at one point choosing to be abstinent until I felt aligned with my lover.

At another point smoking sativa for about five consecutive years not fully understanding how that would affect my "third eye" and such. I've long outgrown the ideology of thinking a conscience lifestyle should be all "blue skies and rainbows" or "positive energy only"; had I been in that mind-frame I would be even more devastated with the happenings of the past few years. I actually acknowledged all the goings on of the past twelve years: anxiety attack, diagnosis (anxiety disorder/ depression), housing insecurity, mental health issues, automobile accidents, passings of loved ones, bipolar disorder diagnosis, passing of my Dad, cancer and finally a stroke; like why am I under attack? 

At times I am truly surprised when I awake in the mornings, I make sure to say "Good Morning ☀️" to my Mom, Rocko (my emotional support animal) and a few other loved ones daily. Whereas a few others I may not speak with daily, but I know some of them know what they mean to me should that day come when I wake up unalive. I am actively putting things in pace for that occurrence unlike days of old when I'd begin and not finish what needs to be completed. 

An advance directive is one of the final steps to complete and I've been stalling for the past seven years that it's been brought to my attention that it's necessary. Anyway, I'll take care of it soon. Now to something more uplifting, like this weed... They say a good sign of life is to have a healthy sexual appetite so I feel as if things are looking up; it's been all over the place, but thoughts of my lover consume me. My desires are nearly overflowing and in a sense I love it, the thought of allowing the thirst to be quenched [sigh] I'm not ready for that just yet. I feel as if it's keeping me alive.

Something to look forward to, I've shared many times before; how having things to look forward to keeps me in good spirits especially now that my mortality is in question. There we go again, ending up on the mortality aspect of things. It's as if I can't shake the thoughts of that topic. I don't wish to be a person who is contently speaking of their ailments and the unhappiness it can cause. I am choosing to be as happy as I can be; under the circumstances. Making the "best" out of this thing called "life".   

last night I got too high...

Many lives have been lived these past few months, I feel as if I am in the middle of one with another on the horizon. Unfortunately, I suffered a stroke recently and some things are still out of sorts. I've been in prayer and meditation a lot since this trauma expressed itself though my being; nonetheless, I left the hospital with a plan and thus far it's falling into place. The outcome however isn't in my hands, as much as I can attempt to manifest, the final "say so" belongs with God. 

This past week I recognized I had been in grief since approximately last winter, in all honesty I may have been functioning in grief since my Dad passed away some years ago. I don't believe I'll go into much detail today, however I will say some things made me forget about this for a bit and enjoy my life and the abilities that remain. I don't know much about stroke's, however, I do understand they operate at various capacities [and I consider myself blessed that the one I experienced did not take me out...}. The fact the ability to write has not been altered. I praise God for abilities that remained while learning to accept should the outcome be what it is. 

Music, reefer and the words of my heart... I've never felt this particular way before. There's something to be said of the level of balance I consider myself being in the face of a life changing consequence. It's almost as if during the experience [of having a stroke]  I found myself knee deep in grief, I was not able to gaslight myself into believing something other than that truth. So rather than staying in shock and denial I prayed, meditated, spoke with a few loved ones and found the space to make peace with alternative outcomes. 

Facing such life altering decisions within a short period of time has been overwhelming, to say the least. I had a few "woe is me" moments, but I wouldn't allow them to form a "pity party"; I realized that may be far deeper than I have the capacity to engage. Some depths are distractions at times while other explorations are necessary for growth. I thought I had evolved beyond certain things as I've been in therapy for the past 12 years [and counting]... That's the thing about grief, you think you're okay, but you're not then something cracks a tear and before I know it I'm in tears about so many things. I haven't experienced an anxiety attack since around this time in 2017. I've had several, on various frequencies causing different responses along with areas within seeking my awareness, hearing out the inner-child who has some things to resolve. While the woman I strive to be, figures out where to lead me along the "right" path to achieve the dreams placed in my heart and mind. 

As a Capricorn [Sun Sign], it is rather easy to be pessimistic, not wishing or worrying about the undesired outcome, it is perhaps figuring out how to make things work with the least. I've had to do that for so long it's like second nature; however I am in a space where I desire to live life as I see it in my thoughts and dreams as opposed to the reality I am impacted by often. It was in this moment I wondered if I'd gotten too high, I felt anxiety creeping in, but I was determined to remain in good spirits for as long as I could. Tuesday I have an appointment where I am expecting things to be put into perspective and I'll leave with options to consider. Attempting to lift poor spirits for nearly a week is taking all the mental, physical and emotional gymnastics I can muster up each day. Especially with pending treatment decisions to be made in the conversation of cancer. 

I have a title, the music is doing what I need it to; as well as the reefer and now.... the munchies.

higher

"never lose hope, my heart, miracles dwell in the invisible."

   Rumi

I found myself in a questionable space mentally once I completed chemotherapy and learned of other steps recommended for treating my conditions. They are recommending another surgery and to be honest, now is not the time. There was a brief moment when I reconsidered undergoing radiation treatment, after discussing it with my doctor I decided to complete it with the intention I won't experience many of the negative side effects. It's mainly the fatigue and body aches that wear me out and keep me from having a more active life. It's been approximately six months since the surgery and about a month since completing chemotherapy; I feel as if I am just beginning to have more better days than before, that is until I had a fall recently. I had so much difficulty getting up from the ground, filled with embarrassment I had no choice but to do my best to overcome the situation and move forward with the day. Too many stairs or a long walk can take my breath away whereas there was a time when I'd walk five miles a day just because; nowadays I long for those excursions. I miss my old life; true I probably wouldn't have the wisdom I have now, but on days like today I miss it real bad. Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, I just long for a more self sufficient lifestyle and I don't know when or if I'll get back to that. The feeling of discouragement fills me and I don't know how to shake it in this moment. The idea of smoking another joint comes to mind, making me think I can push past these trivial thoughts and find out what's at the bottom of these feelings.

The joint of choice has been Snickerdoodlez, unfortunately there isn't much information about the strain online however, the high is quite peaceful and focused as if it clears my mind of all the chatter allowing me to see my thoughts clearly. While looking online for information I decided to locate one of my favorites, Cherry Slurpie; another strain without information. Nevertheless both are great with mental clarity, calmness as well as moments of happiness and creativity. After ordering Cherry Slurpie I find myself excited and a bit eager to pick them up, but I am still in the planning stages of my day; I knew I wanted to write something and possibly visit the beach, other than that it's still up in the air... Errand to the dispensary, lunch, a nap and now I'm back.  Or so I thought, many days and joints later I am actually back to figure out what's on my mind and in my heart to share. After looking a bit deeper into the idea of hope I realize there are other words I prefer however, the concept is the same. My desire [hope] requires a miracle and the idea of hoping for it to happen with the uncertainty that it will leaves me a little uncomfortable. Then I saw a meme which said "a major part of manifesting is believing you're worthy of what you're asking for." I will admit I was a bit perplexed; because I thought I believed I was worthy until I read that sentence and discovered there's a part of my self which feels unworthy of the miracles I pray for [often]. 

Oftentimes I am in the presence of those who criticize, critique and/or complain more than express optimism or give compliments. I recognized that in my youth, choosing to be optimistic took a lot of determination especially coming from the environments I grew up around. I believe my subconscious mind is so used to the negative or an expectation opposite of my prayers that on some level I don't truly believe I will manifest the life of my dreams. Feeling unworthy due to limiting beliefs based on the surroundings and circumstances I've survived in this life [thus far]. For a moment I thought who would I talk to in regard to overcoming limiting beliefs then the thought of booking a session with my tarot reader came to mind. Making sure to send a text before it slipped my mind, hopefully I'll have a session this week so I should think of some things I'd like insight on. The idea of returning to a higher consciousness brings many things to mind, most of which I know I should be implementing yet haven't, I realize out of self sabotage. Brings me to question how I learned to make a habit of sabotaging myself, perhaps it was taught during my upbringing; unfortunately I won't know because I don't recall most of it. What I do know is breaking habits takes a lot of effort and I suppose it's never too late to grow in the areas a person feels it's necessary.

As I ash my joint the thought comes to mind that I have only smoked two cigarettes since my surgery in January, both of which I "bummed" from someone and it wasn't my brand; they were disgusting! Since I refuse to buy my brand I have committed to being [cigarette] smoke free indefinitely. The significance of that coming to mind as I speak about efforts and changing habits, there was a time when considering not smoking cigarettes was impossible to believe. I could not see myself not smoking them until the days then months passed where I didn't. I'm still learning to trust my self [intuition] and believe I am capable, seeing how I do things that seem like miracles to me pretty often; for example I drove to Northern California recently, as I thought of the six plus hour drive each way I nearly talked myself out of it then I realized I could do it a little at a time. I ended up driving three hours before stopping both ways. Another thing I did was return to college all these years later and was doing very well, until cancer/ chemotherapy. I am learning to celebrate my accomplishments, no mater how small they may seem to someone else; the fact that I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and getting things done that I thought I couldn't is cause for a celebration [even if I am the only one celebrating]. 

The thought of the steps I'd like to take to get myself to a place where I am well seems overwhelming in this moment, but if I take it like I did the road trip not doing everything at once; instead I can implement things in stages. Rather than attempt to tackle everything at once and burn out, I can start with a few things then add on as they become routine. I think that may be the strategy for success, as well as a couple books on habits I've been meaning to read. Taking a moment to search the blogs to see if I've written anything on the topic and I found an expression written in 2021, titled "high" which was in alignment with some of the things I've mentioned here. Another expression, written much earlier [2015] I wrote about "habits" and although I was vague, I can somewhat recall what was on my heart at the time. In some aspects I am still that woman, longing for these dreams to manifest; while some have come to pass here and there the main ones [life changing] are still brewing in the Universe awaiting something to bring it into this reality. 

My intention is to join the gym a month or so after I complete radiation therapy; I figure by then I'll be able to access the body ache and fatigue, if any. Allowing me to rebuild the strength in my body while possibly getting "in shape" the way I imagine myself. I am excited to witness my hair growth and looking forward to discovering it's texture, as many say it changes after chemotherapy. Something else I am looking forward to is traveling, I've taken short trips here and there but I am not ready for long flights. I feel so confined this year, surgery then chemotherapy and radiation; bound to few places yet mostly at home. I feel the need to stretch out and feel the wind and the ocean breeze with no tasks or errands and appointments to tend to. I've also decided to take a break from college until Spring, I want to give my body a fresh start or perhaps a new beginning is a better way to phrase it? A reset is much needed which allows me to figure out how to navigate from where I am currently into the woman I dream to be. That's where worthiness and miracles come back into the conversation; how does someone strengthen their sense of worthiness? 

hope, wishes and prayers

I saw the Moon; she was bright, beautiful, and almost Full...

Days have passed since writing those words and the train of thought has since escaped me, the Moon is now Full and I have planned a visit to the beach. I realized it's been too long since I've seen the Ocean; and prior to the other day it had been too long since I'd seen the Moon. Once I felt the beams of the Moon on my being I instantly felt balanced. During errands I found a strain I'd only discovered some months ago; unfortunately, I was unable to find any information, but it's called Cherry Slurpie. The effects seem to be uplifted and focused with a hint of arousal or perhaps creativity. 

4 joints later and I don't know what I'd like to share, the music is playing and the air is filled with smoke. 

Easily distracted, I am unsure why I find myself doing things other than writing; it's as if my thoughts are jumbled and I am fearful of what I want to say, although I don't know what that is as of yet. Between the music, smoking, social media and games on my phone it doesn't take much to take my attention away from putting words on the page. Now the urge to return to my dreams comes to mind, usually I would take the bait and dream of my lover or my life post lottery winnings. Today was no different. I had hoped to get on a roll with writing that I could outwit the desire to sleep, but I was unsuccessful. My dreams were nice; leaving me longing for my lover and the lottery. 

As suspected following the final chemotherapy treatment I am beginning to feel better, but with radiation therapy quickly approaching I am uncertain how to feel or how I will feel in the weeks to come. I will admit I am looking forward to these days being in the past and the new life I intend to co-create for myself. When the thought of co- creating my life with God I am conflicted as to the current standing of my life and the level of happiness I find from day to day. On average, with the perfect strain I can find happiness each day; yet some days are more difficult than others and I am attempting to make peace with those days. 

In my daily life I use the words "wish" and "hope" a lot, recently finding fault in hope; as if it is along the same line as "potential" with my thoughts on that word associated with a trap for disappointment. When I think of occurrences from the past when I thought something had the potential to be good for me I was often disappointed. I've been experiencing that with hope lately, finding myself hoping for a positive outcome only to find another hurdle to overcome. I think with wishing there is no urgency tied to the wish; because that's the fantasy of it all.  

With my wishes, I believe they will come true; however, the good thing about a wish is there's no time table for when it will appear, like a prayer. Feelings of happiness engulfs me as I take toke after toke of this Cherry Slurpie strain; I want this feeling to stay for as long as possible. It's been a long time since I've felt a sense of happiness, even with the way my life has twisted and turned since 2012. One wish I often make in jest is the wish of going back in time to "correct" some errors in my thinking and/or decision making in those moments. That's what I mean when I say the fantasy of it all; although it may be a valid wish, there is no way for it to come to pass [as far as I know]. 

In my prayers, I wish for a better life; leaving hope to the side I desire to be whole in every aspect of the word. A life of making the best of the least, always "surviving" or overcoming something, the feeling that there's never "enough" is tiring. All while hoping for a life saver to rescue you then learning that hope will leave you disappointed and at times a bit jaded. I believe my prayers will come to pass because some of them already have, the bigger ones I believe may take some time, but I feel I will vibrate at the frequency where those things reside and by then I will have the wisdom to multiply and sustain that which I have prayed for. 

A bit afraid that I won't find this strain again for some time, I am debating purchasing more just in case. The debate didn't last long as it's clear to me that if this strain is as beloved as I feel it is, there's no such thing as too much so I placed my order. Recognizing that today is Rocko's birthday; I feel as if I've been celebrating for him these past few days. Another reason to have enough reefer on hand. Rocko seemed to have a good day, much like most days for him; I cannot imagine him having a bad day [with the exception of when he ran away for some time [but that's a story for another day]. 

More time has passed as well as joints smoked, I feel as if I am floating; the Moon is Full for another night and I feel the effects of the atmosphere. I've been smoking consistently since discovering this strain was available on Tuesday. Feeling "over the Moon" and playful, unfortunately there is nothing playful to do these days as I anticipate the latest treatment scheduled for next Thursday. I was supposed to take a nap after errands, but I forgot and made plans to pick up more pot, so the nap has to wait. The idea of a beach trip sounds good however, paranoia overwhelms me when I smoke alone at the beach in the day time. Perhaps if I wait until night, but then I don't necessary like going to the beach at night by myself. 

Times like these I wish I had a 420-friendly friend who could or should I say would accompany me to the beach on this beautiful spring night and smoke a joint or a few. I suppose that's wishful thinking, because I don't know the last time I had such a friend where the company was better than being paranoid and alone with myself. As a woman of a certain age I often wonder how do we make new friends? To my surprise after nearly 10 years I met a new friend while some friends I've known for more than 20 years have been demoted to associate or something of that nature. It's funny how things like that happen, now I need friends in the city where I reside or very close to it. 

I suppose I may set an intention to meet people I can connect with as far as a hike or a beach day with a joint or two. After a very quick dive into the space of online apps for meeting people [new friends] I decided to take a beat and see how I feel in a day or two. I am not sure if I am ready to invite new people into my life at this time. I feel as if I may not have the capacity to get to know someone without the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Being in the safety of my home with music and the thoughts expressed is a wanted feeling rather than being paranoid at the beach, the idea of rescheduling marijuana is also something I need to take a deep dive into understanding as it will make beach days much more enjoyable without the possibility of being cited for smoking weed in public.

It's time to pick up from the dispensary and I feel as if I've shared enough so more celebrating Rocko's birthday and just [trying to] enjoy life in the moment as it comes and wishing you all health, wealth and happiness the same as I wish for myself. I am also setting aside some thought into hope and see if the feelings I have toward it has a life altering effect or if I am just feeling a way right now with everything going on in my life -shrug- nevertheless...

Until next time

111

As if it were magic, this is expression 111 on the blog and to my surprise it is in alignment with my life at the moment. Speaking of things aligning, faith and strength according to this 2023 Cosmopolitan article on Angel Numbers [specifically 111]. Interestingly enough when I sat to write this evening I had not known the significance of the expression awaiting my words. The music and reefer are attempting to give inspiration as I ponder what to share this go round.  

In recent years I've learned a little about numerology and to say it confuses me is an understatement, I feel considerably dumb when attempting to recall from memory the things I've learned thus far. However, the tiny victories occur when I am able to recognize that something means something even if I don't know what it is fully or initially. Since I began this blog nearly 10 years ago [2016] I was shy about acknowledging the milestone of 10, 000 views, I thought the length of time outweighed the number of views, then I smiled and thought about how it didn't matter how long it took, it matters that it happened.

Since beginning this expression many things have come and gone, For instance Mother's Day, along with a few trips to the emergency room due to side effects of my last chemotherapy treatment. With various appointments as well as a couple support groups I feel ill prepared for the experience I've had with it. I was so excited about reaching my final chemotherapy treatment only to be tormented by the side effects. I at times felt defeated, questioning if my reasons for considering the emergency room was attention seeking or valid. 

I begin radiation this week and to say that I am a bit afraid would be an understatement. With how misleading the experience of chemotherapy was, I feel as if perhaps they are downplaying the effects of radiation. I recently decided to postpone classes until Spring; I feel as if the time off will be enough to allow my body to heal and recover from the year I've had of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and the beginning of hormone therapy. It was this week that I realized I am getting older, discovering the need for reading glasses with the blink of an eye. In addition to the realization that I may need more time to recover from this year than in my younger days. 

The thing about aging is many of us were not prepared for it. As a woman of a particular age I recognize there are many changes a human goes through during ones lifetime. I can only speak from the female perspective which leaves me to believe that in retrospect I did not allow my body the appropriate time to heal from the experiences I've endured. This time around I feel as if I should see myself coming through this experience as a new beginning or a rebirth of sorts. A chance to allow the physical presentation in my mind to reflect in reality. I've witnessed success in the past and although I am a bit older, I believe I can see such again. 

This expression began with an idea of some profound spiritual theory and took a turn from fantasy to a bleak reality. My hope is not to make it seem as if my life is miserable because I've experienced a few miserable moments. While assessing circumstances I feel as if I am doing better with establishing and enforcing boundaries, Also making sure to check in with myself as to if I am feeling what I am feeling or if I am able to endure the symptoms being experienced. No two experiences with aging or illness is the same for any of us, but more of a heads up in regard to the types of things one may expect while these things are happening.

I hope if you are dealing with any of the aforementioned ailments and the reality of aging, I pray for your strength and courage to "fight" for a life you actually want to live. When assessing the [realistic] quality of life that I want to create for myself in this lifetime; I was forced to take account for the shape of everything. I have to learn to commit to my overall wellbeing and not just the things screaming for my attention, However, as I've aged it seems as if one ailment's side effects creates other ailments and it's a vicious cycle of never-ending ailments. I suppose I did not expect things to seemingly begin shutting down at such.a young age. 

Although this expression did not take the turn I intended for it, I am delighted in what I've shared; I feel relieved to advocate for myself and feel as if I made the 'right' decision. In allowing  myself grace to validate my feelings with myself, I feel as if I listened to my body and did what was best. As I've been awake for quite some time I am unsure if I want to take a nap or begin today's errands. Then I ask myself if I am looking for a way out of writing the rest of this expression as if I still have something profound to say...

above the clouds

I am delighted to say this month marks my final chemotherapy session! Next up, radiation then hormone therapy, and I'm done! Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes, they were truly appreciated. The outpouring of support, friendship and love from expected as well as unexpected places truly warmed my heart. Shortly after my final treatment, the nurses came into my room and sang a song for the occasion; later that evening I was asked if I wanted to "ring the bell", I was hesitant then recognized the sentiment of the tradition and decided I would. I even allowed the nurse to take photographs and a video to share with loved ones... 

I made it for my sacred time [during the hours of 4-6 am, daily] if possible I spend time in prayer, meditation or in a creative space with or without music. I feel it's a great way to set the tone for the remainder of the day until the next time. There was a time when I practiced sacred time each day and I believe my life was better for it; that is until mental illness and what seemed to be ungodly energy forced my journey on an unexpected path through various life lessons, sorrow and unhappiness, allowing a few ups with the downs. 

Based on the circumstances of those years I find it difficult to practice a lot of times, so when I do it is a bit more special to me. Especially when I find the words to share on the blogs or social media, it helps me feel connected to you in a way a writer connects with their people. Which brings up how over the past few months I have seen a surge in readership and I am above the clouds with joy; with the consistency I wanted to make sure to acknowledge and share my thanks [again]. 

I am torn, on one hand I want to continue to share my thoughts and embrace the music however, on the other hand I think I should return to my slumber in order to be alert during errands today. I've indulged in Cereal Milk and a new strain [to me] Mimosa, which has me feeling focused and balanced. Seeing how May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I feel as if it is a necessary strain [for me] since it has done a great job of keeping me centered, or rather grounded since I began it. As the Sun arises and I am no closer to a decision perhaps another joint is actually the answer? Not before accessing my state of being as I am already in a fantastic state; where I feel weightless and openminded, optimistic and somewhat free. 

With errands in approximately 3 hours I feel as if I should make a decision soon, but I don't like to rush such things; especially when I have things to do involving driving and the like. The doctors or few people I've spoken with who have experienced chemotherapy did not accurately detail the effects, as I sit here with my limbs feeling like cooked pasta it is amazing that I am able to type these words with ease. It's funny, I'll type a sentence such as the last and shortly after the words wished to express disappear down the train of thought. Making me feel as if the decision has been made and I should enjoy a few more moments of rest before the day actually begins.

it was 420 in Amsterdam

"life is a balance between holding on and letting go"

Rumi

It's taken several months, but I have come to terms with the conditions of my health [mental, physical, along with emotional] in addition to the status of some of my relationships. I found myself unhappy with interactions yet putting the well being of other's before that of my own. Trying to "be there" when I felt the friendship had long died. In one instance I did not like the way I was being treated and finally decided to remove myself; initially I felt as if I was attempting to be an example of how a friend treats someone they consider such, then I noticed it was not reciprocated or appreciated which left me asking myself why was I bothering to continue. I believe I was overcompensating; giving of myself what I felt was lacking in my own life. Being the friend to others that I wish I had for myself, people pleasing as a distraction from the reality of life with cancer. I was left feeling drained, disappointed and later upset. Mainly disappointed in myself for continuing to put myself in spaces that were no longer healthy. There came a time when I realized I was holding on to various beliefs about relationships out of fear that there would be a void left in its place. In letting go, I was able to redirect that energy within myself; recognizing that I was reacting from a space of trauma which was showing up in my behavior. 

I've had my third round of chemotherapy as of this month [April] and to say the side effects have been dreadful would be an understatement. At times having difficulty standing or walking because of the pain in my bones or aches in my body. My oncologist says I'd do four or six and I will admit I am hoping for the four so I can be done in May. Nevertheless, someone claiming I am one of their "best friends" rarely checks on me, if at all. Once I removed the rose colored glasses of how I thought things were pre-cancer and the reality of the way things really are; the questions arose on continuing the friendship or removing the status to "associate" or something. Pre-cancer I was "busy", running around with various errands and tasks I'd created for myself; I will admit I have a lot of time on my hands now, free time to over-think and over-analyze situations. I know at times I can be a bit hypersensitive, however along this self-love journey I recognize when I am creating boundaries for myself and understanding that my feelings are valid. Learning not to gaslight myself or dismiss my feelings and/or emotions has been extremely helpful in seeing when the treatment I am receiving is not in alignment with what I want for myself; as well as when words and actions don't match. I am no longer making or accepting excuses as to why I'm being told one thing while witnessing something altogether different. It is no longer acceptable and I am at the stage where I am willing to "lose" relationships because of it. The quote comes to mind about knowing what I bring to the table so I'm not afraid to sit alone [paraphrased]. 

I consider myself a "good" friend, I may not always say the right thing, but I have the best interest in mind for those I consider to be my friends and/or loved ones. I am not perfect nor do I strive to be [any longer] so I can feel confident when I say losing me as a friend may not be the big flex some may think it is. I've always had this idea that [some] people love you as much as you may be useful to them; which I experienced this past week. Without getting into the long dumb ass story the bottom line of it all was I was called "lazy" and "weak" because I am not as active or able as I was before I began chemotherapy treatments. When I attempted to remind the person of this I was told "Idgaf" [multiple times] causing me to end the conversation and adjust the relationship with said person moving forward. The entire ordeal reminded me of the concept of how Black women aren't "allowed" to rest; we are expected to take care of the wants and needs of everyone around us without taking a beat to check in with ourselves or reset as necessary. I refuse to subscribe to the "strong, independent, Black woman" troupe and I will not allow anyone to bully me into it any longer. I am strong yet the appearance of such looks different from day to day; I am no longer unwilling to ask for help when I find it necessary and if to some that makes me appear weak than so be it. 

Since beginning this expression I welcomed 420; with many joints and a festival, resulting in the partaking of mushroom gummies. They didn't do much with the exception of enhancing the experience of the Cereal Milk I'd already indulged in. Overall, the mood and vibe are much better than where I left off in this expression; I did not allow those words to penetrate however, they did take a minute to process as I could not fathom someone being so heartless as to say those things during this time with everything that is going on with my life. Nevertheless, as the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time." In both instances I've chosen to distance myself or disappear altogether, the lack of compassion, empathy, and at times love wears me out... More time has passed since I began this expression and many emotions have come and gone. I took the opportunity to travel a bit and I am now elated in the clouds of Blackberry Moonshine; debating if I want a mushroom gummie to enhance the happy feelings I am currently experiencing or partake in the strain LA Kush Cake and go over the Full Moon... 

The stars aligned in a particular way that I was out of town during this Full Moon and enjoying various strains I've had before [LA Kush Cake] and loved as well as a new strain that has become a fast favorite [Blackberry Moonshine]. Taking a beat to experience some new things I realize I am healing [emotionally] while I am accessing various things mentally, discovering and realizing them from a new perspective while attempting to let go of the past [most of which I don't remember anyway]. I am tempted to search for a new therapist; the last one I meshed well with stopped seeing me when my insurance changed; I don''t blame her, but damn if I don't wish she could take me back. The depths I was willing to go within our sessions amazed me because I had never been so vulnerable and able to express myself fully. I feel as if I may be in that space or something similar; ready, willing and able to dive into aspects of myself. A space where I am able to confront myself, correct some behaviors which I acknowledge aren't for the betterment of my life, set some goals as well as rewards to look forward to. From the time I began this expression [sometime in April] until now I am a bit "all over the place" when it comes to my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

I feel as if so many leave so much unsaid or at times misunderstood, yet are swift to allow toxic and/or dysfunctional beliefs and expressions to fly fast from the tongue. Rarely with regard to the person on the receiving end of such venom; like, how will these words affect them? Some will expect a person to accept dysfunction because it may be common practice within that circle; however, that doesn't make it "okay". Choosing to hold on to things that should be let go of to leave space for positivity and optimism or overall good fortune. Within the past few weeks I've felt as if some close to me do not wish to see me happy, healthy, or perhaps in good cheer; as if I should be bound to misfortune and unhappiness. I refuse to allow that to be my story, instead I choose to pray for wisdom, patience, and healing; allowing myself the grace to embrace my current circumstances. From someone who was a self-proclaimed perfectionist, wearing the strong, independent, Black woman troupe as if a badge of honor; attempting to "rescue" where I saw the "need". Now with the exception of certain obligations I no longer accept such expectations someone else may try to attach to me. I feel as if I am allowing this expression to be a form of therapy as I do not have a competent one as of yet. Letting the words fall like tears onto the page since they refuse to stream from my eyes. 

So much time has passed since beginning this expression that it is now May, my intention was to conclude my thoughts before the month of April ended. As we can see, that did not happen; which is fine because with various edits this edition seems to speak of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions during my daily being as well as in the midst of traveling and returning home. Upon my arrival home the second stop made was to the dispensary where I purchased my good friend Blueberry Kush known for its relaxing effects. Now that I've rested [as mush as possible] I've moved on to Acapulco Gold and Maui Waui not only for the creative aspects, but also the effects in being uplifted and happy. That's the energy I want to experience; especially seeing how I have treatment soon. Seeing how I finally thought of a title for this expression I am beginning to feel as if I can find some closing thoughts, especially seeing how this expression is also rather long. I believe I've come into a new chapter of life, it may have began when I accepted the diagnosis given and the treatment plan that followed. As I suggested in another expression written recently, illness and age has a way of providing new perspectives on things that may have seemed major to someone not battling for their life. I realize the title of this expression allows one to assume since I've been traveling I may have gone to Amsterdam. Finding that amusing yet choosing not to rename it seems like I should share my meaning of "it's 420 in Amsterdam". However, I feel as if that's a story for another day.