green lights all the way

 "your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

~Rumi

I have been searching within to find areas of my heart where the walls are, I'm sure you're aware of the walls I am speaking of; the ones that bares the "keep out" signage all around. Recently, my Mom overheard me having a conversation, once the call ended she said "I love seeing that side of you", of course I inquired of the side she spoke of; her reply was "your soft side".  I smiled, what do you say in response to that? I had nothing in that moment, now that the moment has passed and I think of those words, I find myself recognizing growth. I can recall a time when "idgaf" was my motto about everything. I was so detached from my family, community and myself, not caring about the outcome of anything yet praying for things to remain good or get better. With many years and much work I've outgrown that mindset of being narcissistic and uncaring about those around me. At one point finding myself on the extremely opposite aspect of that which was being overly emotional about things that didn't even concern me. Since then I've found a balance, learning how to be mindful of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions while understanding there is no way to "control" them, but rather to allow them to flow and teach me the lessons necessary for growth. 

I am still finding aspects of my heart where I don't allow visitors, I am learning how much to show and which aspects should be kept private. As I type these words the idea of "love languages" comes to mind which makes me think, maybe the private parts of my heart are where my most sacred love languages are? That makes complete sense, to me. Those are the parts that feel most vulnerable, and many of you know the difficulty I have with vulnerability. However, as the days pass by I see areas in my every day life where I choose to be vulnerable rather than guarded or protected, thinking in some way that will keep me "safe" or "secure". On some level I feel as if showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness or insecurity. I suppose I should explain... After refreshing my mind on what the "5 Love Languages" are, I had a thought to dig a little deeper and discovered a theory I've heard of, but never explored; Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

As I attempt to explain why I feel as though showing vulnerability can be a sign of weakness or insecurity, I thought to do so without actually being vulnerable. For me, the thing that make me feel most vulnerable is expressing love to someone when I don't know how it will be received. For example a hug, a kiss, a caress, or particular words; with words I have been told that the person didn't believe the words I shared with them concerning how proud I was of them or that I loved them. I recognize this person has an idea of me, which may or may not be accurate; but in their mind it is. So to an extent, nothing I do will be believed as coming from a genuine space or even "good enough". This behavior, which I have no control over reaffirms my belief in not showing vulnerability with others, if I chose to allow it to. Unfortunately, the feeling of my expression being rejected hurts much worse than actually choosing to show someone that side of me. 

The weakness and insecurity comes in when you don't know how someone will respond to the efforts or emotions you share with them. It's not vulnerability when you know how your words or actions will be received, in my opinion. Like, telling someone you love them for the first time or hugging a friend for no apparent reason, just because you feel the desire to be close to them in that way. There are very few people who can hug me, I believe it can be due to my unapproachable disposition or for most the knowledge that I don't particularly like to be touched. At times I've had people ask if they could hug me and to their surprise, my answer was "No; Thank you". An embrace is extremely intimate to me, much more deliberate than a sexual encounter as some can have sex with any body; while others may be more selective. No judgement toward either of those behaviors, I've learned over the years that sex doesn't always include intimacy as well as the fact that intimacy doesn't always include or lead to sex. 

Like now, I am craving intimacy; not a sexual experience. I don't completely know in what ways, I just know I want it. I know why I am feeling this way as I am a few days from my least favorite time of the month. I used to satisfy these cravings with food, substituting dopamine ("the reward chemical") for oxytocin ("the love hormone"). In the past when I felt the love I shared was not reciprocated I would allow my inner "foodie" to indulge in whatever foods I desired that would make me feel as if I were being cared for in some way. I am not sure where that falls on the hierarchy of needs, but in whatever way it helped, I allowed it. Next thing I know my clothes don't fit! These days after much concern for my health and fitness with a bit of vanity; I am also focused on not eating my feelings anymore. Now I tend to say things even when I am uncomfortable or unsure how it will be received; I feel as if I am slowly lowering the walls of my heart as I've done with the walls of my mind. 

3 a.m. arrives sooner than I expected, with appointments later in the morning I debate going to bed or continuing this expression. Seeing how I have yet to think of a title lets me know it is not complete, so I will take a pause and continue at a later time... After nearly 30 minutes I am back at it. I can't sleep for various reasons, mainly anxiety or perhaps it's excitement? It's been a long time that I've had days I was looking forward to. I believe that began when I started exercising at the beach a few times a week. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to the rainy season, I can't remember the last time I felt this way. Warm, cozy clothes and home; "comfort foods" and the conclusion of 2023. As usual, I am anticipating New Year's Eve. I gave thought recently as to what I'd like to wear, then realized I need to know where I'm going to be, so planning will begin soon. Followed by my birth date and some things in between, especially those things in the very near future. 

The energy of the Full Moon consumes me, I feel warm and safe; complete. Knowing I am discovering the barriers around my heart and determining which should stay and which should be lowered. With the embrace of my 11 year old self I have this feeling of alignment, as if I have chosen the "right" path for myself. Some may ask, "How do you know you're on the right path?" and I'd say, for me, I begin to notice synchronicities with certain themes: in music, numerology, astrology, astronomy, etc. It's as if the Universe is speaking to me in a language it knows I will understand. To others it may not make much sense, but for the person experiencing it, it's like a treasure map of sorts, showing you along the way that you are making the "right" decisions for your life. Then sporadicly you'll get "confirmations" from a conversation, a song, patterns, "coincidences" and rapid manifestations. 

This occurred sometime yesterday (yes, another day has passed) in a conversation with a family member I was able to utilize the understanding I gained from reading over the 5 love languages along with Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The responses I gave were deemed helpful to the person in the conversation with me. This satisfies the "love and belonging" need within me, as I felt as if we were bonding; respecting one another's perspectives and being open to knowledge or rather, wisdom. It's again within the 3 o'clock hour of the morning and sleep is no where in sight; neither is a title...

Another day has passed, I attempted my miles today; however, once at the location I wasn't into it anymore. I believe too many days have passed between work outs and I was dealing with too many factors to go on. Nevertheless, tomorrow is another day!  The main reason this expression has been delayed is due to the fact it had no title, that is until moments ago. As I drove home experiencing green lights all the way, I recognized the synchronicity of it all and felt in that moment, "that's the title!" Even when I thought I'd be stuck at a red light I'd say to myself "it'll be green by the time I get there" and it was. Now to only manifest the winning numbers for the lottery. 

every season is me season 2

  “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!”

― Ram Dass, Be Here Now

As mentioned I rushed at the end of "every season is me season", not on purpose, but in order to make my workout on time. The work out was great! I pushed a little further than the days before, unfortunately I did not do the stairs as I thought I'd be driving a lot today. I did not think of a title until the end when I decided to bring the expression to an end for above said reasons. Typically, some people announce their "me season" around their birthday; suggesting that they are focused on themselves and their projected goals or plans for their new age. However, I believe "me season" should be year around. Giving room to grow, unlearn things which are no longer serving our highest good along with any health (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional), wellness or other type of goals. 

When thinking on the things shared in the above mentioned expression, my interpretation is about self-care, self-love and the like. Being that we are all the main characters of our lives, it is up to us to embrace, enhance and evolve into the greatest version of ourselves as possible. That's what I mean when I say, "every season is me season".  I needed that rest on Sunday as well as Monday, my body feels rejuvenated and my mind has a clarity which allowed me to complete the majority of my coursework in record time. As plans for today were cancelled, I took the opportunity to workout, run errands, complete coursework and rest.

Embracing my natural hair I've found a style that works for me and I have been proudly being myself (natural hair and nails). Although, it's a simple style; I feel as if it makes me look younger and as I continue to shed unwanted pounds I feel as if I am beginning to see the girl in myself that I've missed for so long. Back in the day when I was running and walking 5 miles per day and hiking at Runyon Canyon, I felt and looked my best. Since all of the trauma surrounding anxiety and such I've seemed to have lost sight of her for so many years, due to the center of my focus being my mental health. I feel as if I can come up for air, not saying I do not battle these issues yet 11 years in, I've learned how to navigate myself in times of distress and appreciate times of happiness. 

As the quote says: :  “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... " , contently working on myself for the past 11 years I am finally learning to understand to accept the good days and tend to myself as necessary on the not so good days. As I contemplate having a cocktail in a bit of a celebration for the progress I have made and continue to make. I am not sure yet so I'll allow time to tell. In other news, not much else is going on that I'd like to share. Taking a day off from the workout tomorrow, the intention is to get the necessary rest required to continue for Thursday seeing that I am unavailable to workout on Friday. I may go on Saturday or Sunday which will make a consistent 3-4 days this week (depending if I go Saturday or Sunday). 

Awaiting dinner, I think this is a good place to bring this expression to a close. Before I do, I'd like to say "Thank you" for accompanying me on my various journeys as I am learning to navigate this thing called life. I appreciate you all for "riding" with me... 

every season is me season

 “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!”

― Ram Dass, Be Here Now

While giving thought to my contributions to the people in my life, I feel as if I've changed in some ways; I feel as if the changes embodied have been for my highest good. A few expressions ago, I mentioned a conversation with my nail technician who asked me when was I going to begin taking better care of myself? As her words melted my heart all I could muster to say was "you're right." It was around that time that I challenged myself to stay the course when it comes to my health regimen. Aside from the agreement with myself to stop smoking, I have been doing a good job. The above quote spoke to me as I am reminded of my self-care and how I can only contribute to others with the overflow of how I've taken care of myself. When I was not fully taking the best care of myself I found that I was often cranky, irritated and tired. It wasn't until I began to eat better food choices, exercise and tend to my spiritual practices was when I started to feel as if I was whole or rather full and able to help others with a better disposition. 

In August I had a "wake up call" of sorts when a friend passed unexpectedly... I've only returned to my health and fitness program in September, realizing how I have to do everything in my ability to be as healthy as possible. There are a lot of people in my life who depend on me, therefore, I must do everything within my control to be my best self. The marijuana has me feeling as if I am floating, an experience I've felt many times since last week. So much so that it has been exuding from within and others can see. The music is random with a common topic, "pot", which is somehow inspiring me to continue where I left off in my writing the other day as well as expounding on certain thoughts and rearranging some parts. 

The room is reasonably quiet at the moment, filled with the smoke from reefer; Pink Runtz is on standby as I enjoyed Kush Mints so far it has given me feelings of creativity, focus and happiness. Then there's Mango Kush which complimented Kush Mints very well as far as enhancing the creativity levels. The other day I had a few Pink Runtz joints which aided in the post I expressed recently, the talkative aspect of the "side effects" I truly enjoyed; because it allows me to tap into a deeper part of myself when I am expressing my thoughts, feelings and emotions. .With the Kush Mints and Mango Kush I had a wonderful Sunday; especially after I got a bit of rest. I've been running around for the past week with workouts, errands and appointments that I was exhausted. Today, I feel much better and anticipating my workout in the morning. The workout was great, I set a goal of 1.5 miles and I completed 1.51. Although that is a tiny bit more than my goal it encourages me to continue setting goals and surpassing them; even if it's by a tiny margin. 

As a new age approaches and another semester ends I feel as if I am on the right track to accomplish my goals in the amount of time I allotted myself.  One goal is promising as I intend to be at or close to my goal weight by this time next year and the other would be to graduate in Spring 2025. As I think about what else to say on the topic the urge to smoke a cigarette comes to mind, but I am attempting to triumph against such urges. The music is creating a vibe that I feel unfamiliar with, not in a bad way, just kind of unknown. I'm sure it has something to do with venturing out with so many new strains in such a short period of time. As I've gotten older I have learned to enjoy and anticipate the date of my birth more with each year that comes and goes. As some of you may know, this time of year is heavy on introspection, goal setting and gratitude. As another friends birth date approaches I feel a bit sad; only because he's not here to celebrate. Nevertheless, I may celebrate in honor of him, light a few joints and put something (healthy) on the grill with a friend. 

The other thing somewhat heavy on my mind is the fact I've been giving my hair a break from units and weaves, exploring styles with my natural curls; at least around the house. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing my hair in public with the exception of around my neighborhood. I've been having a good time playing in my curls and feeling the wind on my head and scalp. Right now it's in a ponytail and I love that it's not in my face; tickling my nose and such. Since expressing the selectiveness of showcasing my natural hair, I wore my hair in a ponytail today for my workout, it made a difference as I was annoyed by stray hairs in my face. Also, I wasn't as hot as usual which is a huge factor in my decision to go in that direction. Last year I chose to stop getting gel polish and allow my natural nails to "breathe". Another thing I am happy I did. Looking forward to my hair and nail appointments this weekend, to my surprise, my Mom is coming with me and possibly another family member if everything works out that way. I feel like I'll make a "girl's day" out of it if they allow me to. 

A thought that came to mind as I reread the quote above, thinking of my circle and how everyone has chosen to grow in some aspect of themselves or another. Whether returning to college, becoming entrepreneurs or entering a new field along with making better health choices, etc. I am so proud in this moment, proud of my friends and family (in my circle) who are taking the necessary steps to better themselves when they could've chosen to remain the same with the mindset of "this is just how I am". In addition to the support I have gotten since declaring my intentions to be healthier as well as my plans for my educational future. I feel as if I am overflowing with love, happiness and gratitude even though I am not completely where I want to be, I realize I am where I need to be in this season. The urge to smoke another joint comes to mind and I feel as if I should comply, on the other hand I feel as if I want to take a nap seeing how I've been awake since 4 a.m. 

As I open the pre-roll package, Rocko (my emotional support animal) winks at me which suggests that he approves of my decision to smoke this Kush Mints, complete my expression and take a nap. This strain does make me feel relaxed with feelings of euphoria as the site suggests and as far as aroused, it does that too! With the dosage I've inhaled thus far I have not felt any of the negative effects, thankfully. The idea of "self-care" comes to mind as I find the words to share; feeling as if I should do something for myself which will enhance the feelings that I am currently feeling. Saturday I took myself to a nice dinner, Sunday I rested and now I am back at it for week 2 of my exercise program. Last week I exercised three times for about 30 minutes to an hour; however,  the first two locations weren't what I expected and I knew if I continued with them I'd find myself bored. On the last day I found a beach with a trail and found a happy place where I knew I'd push myself during the walk and on the stairs. 

By the end of the week I'd like to be at 2 miles per day, inching up to the return of my 5 mile days. I attempted to press on and finish this expression in one day, that may still happen, but I need a nap.

Several naps later...

With the exception of my workout, errands and scheduling necessary appointments, Monday was an impromptu rest day. As I got a little overwhelmed with coursework; I smoked a lot, had a couple of drinks, enjoyed good meals (breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner) also taking two naps and now I'm awake at 4 a.m. again. Yesterday, I declared to write something for "fun" before beginning my modules and assignments, I feel good about that decision. Jumping "out of the box" for a moment to "paint outside of the lines" is something I am learning is essential for my mental health. Writing "scholarly" essays and being so concerned with word count and structure bores me over time. Looking at the clock I realize I should take my shower and get ready for my work out so that is what I'm going to do. I did not mean to rush the ending, but I am committed to my fitness and as time creeps by I'll be late if I begin another paragraph; I hope that's understandable. 

Until next time

desire

- a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.

dictionary

Initially I was going to write something for my lover; I decided against it however, I thought of another aspect of desire to share with you. Monday was the first day of my last Fall courses along with my return to fitness. My desire has become a healthy body and a few other private goals, so beginning these enhancements has come to bring enjoyment to my life. I began my fitness journey by walking a little over a mile; I intend to gradually increase the distance. I walked again Tuesday, staying consistent with my "little over a mile" I find myself impressed with the fact that I walked, almost nonstop with no music. A friend and I have taken two "trails" thus far, walking, talking sometimes while silent other times. The plan is to use an app called "All Trails" and choose various trails to "hike" about three times per week, choosing different trails preferably once a week to reduce the chances of boredom on my part.

That's one thing about me that I don't fully understand, my predisposition for boredom. I am often bored for some reason or rather disinterested after a period of time. Especially with repetition or things that are redundant. One of the main factors convincing me to return to college, how often I'd say to someone that I was "bored", until an acquaintance who is no longer such asked "You're always bored, what do you like to do?" and as I rattled various hobbies off to her I had the bright idea to return to college. I thought it would occupy so much of my time that I would not be bored with the amount of assignments, hobbies, errands and the like. Unfortunately, I typically complete my assignments well before they are due then find myself bored. However, I now have a desire to see my educational goals through as I find them challenging even though I don't have an issue completing them nearly as soon as I get them, understand the prompts and begin, I don't rush, but I finish in a rather short amount of time. 

I have not quite figured out if my desire to do well is specifically in regard to grades or college overall. I am a bit obsessed with my GPA, but it's steady and with the courses I am attempting this semester I believe I will do well. So far upon my re-entry into college the lowest grade I've gotten was a B-; in my Astronomy course. I will admit, I thought I earned a C yet to my surprise it was a tiny bit better than what I expected. I feel as if I should have applied myself a little more, but I reminded myself of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz about always doing your best; even when your best appears different from one project to the next. Although I told myself I could have done better, I honestly did my "best" so I can accept the outcome. In sharing this aspect of my journey (college and fitness) with you, I feel a sense of accountability along with manifesting my intentions as I write (type) them on a page for the Universe to know; I suppose through the Ether or Cosmos. 

With the many enhancements I have implemented within the past couple of months, such as paying more attention to the health of my hair, nails, skin and overall well being; returning to my fitness knowledge as well as focusing on my spiritual self I have left behind the desire to be "skinny". A term and indoctrination  that I've held on to for far too long, here's a little backstory... I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression in 2012, beginning a regimen of medication in 2013 which lead to weight gain around 2014- 2015. The weight gain triggered the Depression which caused more Anxiety seeing that I'd just "lost" over 60 pounds around 2011-2012 when I was hiking, running and intermediately doing The Master Cleanse. I've since shed some pounds, but I am not physically where I was when I felt I looked my best, which is why as some of you are aware I stopped posting "selfies" on social media many Autumn's ago. With the exception of my hair and hands full of crystals or blunts I have not shared an actual selfie since 2014; wow nearly ten years ago. Clearly my weight has been an issue for me, however with my new regimen I feel as if the pounds will shed naturally and I can show you my results in the not so distant future.

A few of my desires are to be healthy (mind, body, soul and spirit), doing well in college, enhancing my relationships with family, friends as well as my lover. This past year I thought I made a new "friend" however, for some reason unbeknownst to me she decided to ghost me. After that encounter I reminded myself of the slogan "no new friends", which I am somewhat sticking with. The type of friend I am I believe is well rounded and honest. I am not saying those are the reasons she ghosted me, but I do know that I am not for everyone and that's fine. However, since denouncing the art of ghosting I find it a childish way to end any type of relationship. Nevertheless, I learned a few things from those encounters which have made me a better person; I believe. I only mention it as a contrast to the way I treat my relationships now, being more mindful of my words and actions as well as communicating things I find necessary to discuss. I wish her well, but I do not intend to reach out or accept it from the other side. I believe I am better off without that person in my life in any capacity. 

On another note Pink Runtz!

To be continued...

pass the dutchie

"pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side"

~musical youth, pass the dutchie

The aroma of reefer fills the room and the song plays inspiring the writer within. I've decided to stop smoking cigarettes and stick solely to marijuana, in the past I only smoked sativa leaving me with an overstimulated pineal gland. After over five years of exclusively partaking in sativa, my third eye took me on a trip I never want to experience again. I have now embraced the benefits of hybrid and indica strains, smoking sativa sparingly. After prayer, meditation, research and an honest chat with myself I've decided to begin hiking... well, walking as a start, but when I think of it, hiking is basically walking with a purpose. In addition I intend to begin juicing and I've even found some herbs which will assist with the goal of stopping smoking. I made a point to avoid the word "quit" or "quitting" smoking as we have been indoctrinated with negative connotations in regard to the word "quit" so I prefer to say I am stopping instead. 

I have a friend who is committed to this aspect of my journey as he is also on a journey of healing, fitness and the like. So far the plan is to begin on Monday and go three times a week, the days chosen works well for anxiety as it is during the work week when most are obviously at work, meaning less people on the trails. In addition to the luxury of early morning walking I figure it will be a great way to begin each day and week. The best part about the hike scheduled for this week is that there is a waterfall in the midst of the trail. Some of you may know how much I love water as a close second to the Moon. When I say water, I'm referring to the ocean, lakes, waterfalls and such. The energy and flow of the moving water brings me such clarity and calmness, for example when I visit the beach and enjoy the time spent there. 

I have found a new desire to elevate my commitment and focus concerning my health, as I approach a new age I am reminded of a goal I had in mind for my next milestone age; which is a year and a few months away. Beginning Sunday, I have some things to add to my routine which will contribute to those goals. I will admit, I am excited! The best part for me is I do not feel as if this is a fad, I feel intrigued to see myself a year from now with various changes; or should I say, improvements or enhancements. I've been researching juicing for some time and years ago I curated a "vision board", which consisted of various goals, including healthy, glowing skin along with a degree and some other personal goals I'd rather not share as they are sacred to me. Anyway, as many of you may know I've returned to college; so the degree is on its way. With hiking, juicing, stopping cigarettes and returning to my spiritual practices such as "sacred time", which consists of prayer and meditation; sometimes with music, other times with devotional type material in addition to Full and New Moon rituals, tarot reading, astrology, astronomy and embracing my crystals.

Interestingly I typically choose not to write about my plans however, today I feel as if the power of putting my intentions in writing will allow me to see the success I envision as I figure out this aspect of my journey. In years prior I neglected my physical body while enhancing my spiritual body, but micromanaging my emotional and mental health. As of today I am more in tune with myself and the understanding of nurturing my whole self (mind, body, soul and spirit). Embracing certain attributes while striving to be the best version of myself is not something I am entering into lightly. I've given much thought, tears, research and now dedication to seeing the woman of my dreams become my reality. As I ponder lighting the third pre-roll of my writing session I realize the song has ended yet the queue is filled with reggae music. This is a first as I typically listen to random music with no set genre in mind or rotation.

I am unsure what was sparked in me, however, for me to write two complete expressions in one session has been a long time coming. I believe it is the determination to be better that has me more focused and able to embrace the words I'd like to share. Unfortunately, I've gotten hungry and a bit sleepy so I'm going to take a break and see what comes to mind to share once I awaken...

Moonchild

"The moon is a loyal companion.

It never leaves. It's always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it's a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. 

Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfection."

~Teheran Mafi, Shatter Me

I feel this quote captures my love for the Moon in its entirety. As some of you know, I fell in love with the Moon many Summers ago; interestingly enough it was around the time I was eleven or twelve, maybe thirteen. I know I was at least eleven and it was Summer, I stood outside while doing laundry and was mesmerized by the Full Moon. The Moon was gigantic, bright and Full; almost the fullest I've ever seen it. I stood under the Moonlight with my "best friend" at the time, we had been friends since I was five and she was six; unfortunately our friendship ended as we became teenagers. I've only had a few "best friends" after her before retiring the term from my vocabulary. I've had three "best friends", the first two disappeared; well ghosted before that was a thing and the third is no longer with us. Since he passed I've refrained from claiming anyone as my "best friend" that is until someone proclaimed themselves as such only to disappoint as the first two had. This is my reasoning for retiring the term altogether.

As the Moon orbits Earth, I feel enchanted. Although from my location only a partial eclipse will be visible however, I am anticipating the energy it will exude. As this eclipse calls for introspection I feel as if it is perfect timing for the journey I find myself on. It's as if many things are aligning to assist and guide me as I find myself fumbling less often than in previous years. Having a better understanding of the spiritual meaning of eclipses paired with the knowledge gained from my Astronomy course has been extremely beneficial in recent days. Especially as I hold a listening ear to my body and what she needs from moment to moment. Funny how so many random memories from my eleven year old self are coming up once I acknowledged the longing to be heard from within, 

Recently, I saw the numbers 9797 several times in one day; so I looked it up on an app I use called "Angel Numbers" and this is what was revealed:

WHAT NUMBER "9797" MEANS:

The resulting total number is #5:

You are being guided to move in a new direction. Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you.

Angel Power Word:

Listening

Your Angel Number also contains #97:

God is going to deliver a very important message to you. You will receive this message incidentally from another or via some form of audible media such as the television or through a song on the radio. This guidance is called 'Golden Tongued Wisdom'. Pay attention and keep your ears open!

(This number is repeated twice. The message of this number is amplified x20!)

Your Angel Number also contains #79:

God is devoted to surrounding you with love. It's time to open your heart to the 'De-Lightful' wonders that love can deliver. When love is presented allow yourself to accept love and to be loved. God's Angels declare that soon your heart may start to flutter.

I found it interesting that the power word was "listening" and that's what I've been doing for some time now when it comes to my younger self or should I say my "inner child"? Another thing I thought was quite "coincidentally" in alignment with my words as of late was the messages reference to the guidance of a new direction or as I say, journey. When the message speaks of allowing myself to accept love and to be loved, I felt that deeply as thoughts of my support system come to mind. I feel love *queue Donna Summer* I feel surrounded by loved ones; near, far, as well as from the ones who have passed on. The memories of them along with the wisdom they've shared with me has been coming to mind, this go round however, I am tuning in and allowing them [the memories and words] to resonate with my heart and spirit to refresh lessons learned along with messages I may now be in a space to receive. 

In my last post, "smoke in my eye", I spoke of missing the Moon and my lover as I concluded the expression; possibly leaving many of you wondering why I haven't spoken of my lover in some time. I'll start with the Moon, I've seen her many nights in various parts of the sky; yet only on a few occasions was I able to sit with her and embrace her energy while other times she was illusive; as she's known to be. There's a piece of me that feels void when the Moon isn't visible, I feel as if I am incomplete in some way, the some way is unfamiliar to me as I do not have the words to express the emptiness. After running errands and before beginning this expression I searched the sky for her to no avail, however, I did see Jupiter (with my unaided eye). Jupiter is known as the planet of good luck, abundance, balance and a host of other symbolic meanings. I find the sight of Jupiter to be calming and reassuring, as it gives me the push I desire to manifest my dreams so the fact I've seen Jupiter in the night's sky for several weeks now has given me such joy. 

The good thing I realize in this moment is although the Moon alludes me at times, I do not feel abandoned by her, as I know she will return at whichever phase she finds herself in. I feel that way at times, in particular when much time has passed without publishing an expression on the blog or social media. I feel deeply that although I may be quiet at times you all know that I have not abandoned you or my (therapeutic) platforms. Anyhow, back to the Moon and my lover; when I say "I miss my lover" to be honest I could've just spent time with him and I'll miss him already. It's nearly mind boggling how infatuated I find myself, at times I feel like a school girl with her crush and other times I feel like a woman in love. I used to feel silly as in irrational or ridiculous for having such feelings, or rather emotions, now I accept them as a part of my being; from my soul.   

In the not very distant past I thought of our interaction as if we were "star crossed lovers" (iykyk). I don't believe that anymore, I believe we've gone through our ups and downs to bring us together this time with a new appreciation and passion for one another. The passion leaves me speechless yet the parts I could share I feel are sacred which is why I haven't spoke of him in detail much. Like magic an expression I wrote nearly a year ago comes to mind and I am reminded of my word choices and the energy of my thoughts and feelings regarding him... "dark as a thousand midnights" as I allowed the words to consume me and the music to speak the words of my heart I am on memory lane, engulfed in love. 

I desire to remain there...

smoke in my eye

This song ("Young Love" by Cleo Sol) came on and initially I skipped it, then my 11 year old self said “listen to it”; so I did. Next thing I know my eyes are wet. I don’t know if it was the song or I got smoke in my eye.

I especially liked the part that says: "

Little young, girl, don't you cry, I know you're wise, but you've been fooled a few times". 

After a bit of research, I recall I was in the sixth grade doing what sixth graders do, watching popular television shows, like "The Cosby Show" and "Beverly Hills, 90210". I also went to see "Boyz 'n the Hood" with my Dad. I am unsure, but I believe at the time I wanted to be a doctor, then an attorney, later I wanted to be a psychologist. That one stuck for a long time, that is until I entered college as a psychology major and found myself facing various circumstances causing me to drop out.  

Cleo Sol sings:

I know you wanna be someone, you need something more

I am reminded of the young girl who wanted to help others with their troubles and figure out solutions to assist them in "living their best life". I thought it were all possible yet with no guidance I had no idea how it would manifest. I was raised to an extent, the rest of the time I just grew up, finding my way from one situation to another; doing my best not to end up a statistic or stereotype. I had a few "role models" however, they were not "mentors" I simply observed the goings on of their lives and fashioned mine in the ways that resinated and discarded that which I found no connection.

Growing up in South Central, Los Angeles [California] wasn't as bad as the media and some movies depict it as, well as least for a girl. I didn't have to fight or avoid "gangs" as I was not their demographic; so to speak. I was introverted, a bit of a loner, although I had a hand full of friends and somewhat of a nerd. Not much has changed I will admit. However, considering my environment I had "big dreams". I had not yet discovered my passion for writing, but I enjoyed studying and learning new things. At some point I even learned to play tennis and eventually tried gymnastics for a short while. 

So, back to my wet and/or smoke filled eyes. I will not say I was crying, as that involved the water (tears) leaving your eyes and possibly rolling down your face; that did not happen. As some of you know, I don't cry, often. Yet there I was with what seemed to be tears with no place for them to fall. I don't exactly know why I was emotional, because other than what I've shared I don't remember my childhood, another fact that some of you may already know. I believe it was my 11 year old self expressing joy at my attempt to connect with her after so many years. 

I am unsure why that particular age stands out, especially since I don't remember any details of it. Nonetheless, here I am; attempting to learn myself in a new way. A way in which I've never considered until this past week. Of all the ages I've been, something about those pre-teen years make me wish I could go back and redo some things. The hormones of a teenager are something that should be better forewarned, I now see how ill prepared I was for the happenings within my self. 

And here we are, approaching a new age and finally hearing the voice of a younger version of myself that I am unfamiliar with. I decided not to force any memories or thoughts; I figure it's better to allow them to flow naturally, therefore I am in alignment with my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). The ending of the song is what made me replay it several times and Cleo Sol says:

'cause you've got to believe, life's what you want it to be

I imagine myself in my bedroom, writing in my journal about the life I'd like to live and as I sit here now, typing these words I realize how far off the path I am as far as my younger self is concerned. I do not feel sadness or defeat, I instead feel a sense of something unfamiliar. I am not sure of the emotion or feeling I have right now, but I am allowing it to flow through me to teach me whatever it is supposed to teach me. 

A different song plays and I am taken to my 17 year old self, reminded of a boyfriend; interestingly enough, a family member constantly mentions his name, confusing him with my current lover. Their names are similar, but not enough for the confusion. Thoughts of him pass and I am back to my current self, wondering when I intend to smoke my last joint or if I feel like rolling a blunt, which I never feel like rolling blunts. This evening however, is a bit different. particularly because the Moon is no where in sight. I saw her earlier in the day, but now that night has fallen, she's no where to be found; at least from my vantage point. 

I miss the Moon and my lover...

coming into view

I've been doing a modified version of the master cleanse for a couple weeks, rather than abstaining from food for the entire ten days I've chosen to eat small portions when hungry; such as fruit, salad, soup, etc. This method is working so far concerning eczema however, the weight loss aspect is rather slow since that is not the primary focus. I find myself being elevated much easier and longer lasting than when not focusing so much on my health, wellbeing lifestyle. During various periods of my adulthood I've tuned in totally to one aspect of myself while neglecting others, these days I am actively making a conscious effort to maintain a complete evaluation of my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). 

Last night while admiring the Full Moon, I was in awe to see a "Moonbow" in the night's sky. Interestingly enough, I could not remember the exact reasoning until knowledge from my recent Astronomy course came to mind and I was able to gain another explanation of the occurrence. To my surprise the explanation which captured my thoughts on the matter were quite profound with the astronomical lingo learned and embodied in eight short weeks. Next week will be the final week for the course which consists of one final exam. So far in this course I have a B, which is also something that finds me in amazement seeing how this course is like learning a foreign language. 

Also, yesterday I took a trip to the beach; while there I ate a portion of an edible which "kicked in" right about my date with the Moon. The Moon was full and bright, breathtakingly beautiful. Leaving me consumed with thoughts to share with you all. I was eager to write yet my laptop was at home and "writing" from my phone hasn't been done since the days of old, I wouldn't even know how or where to begin...

A while back I kept seeing a particular book in my reality, looking into it a bit I realized I am not ready to dive deeply into the shadow and subconscious self to engage with this book: "The Inner Work: An Invitation to True Freedom and Lasting Happiness." However, as I sat at the beach, the edible began running its course I then began to think of an age, although I don't recall any memories from that time I do remember thinking of the year and age I was at the time. I smiled and felt a sense of happiness, I began to think "If I could go back to any previous age, which age would I choose?" Usually when I ask myself that question I choose a particular age before I began making poor decisions rather than a time of happiness or contentment. This day however, I chose the era of happiness, a time I do not recollect yet the simple thought of being eleven years old again brought a smile to my face; which is a rare occurrence. 

Going back to the book I was interested in, I thought to find another which would focus on the inner child as opposed to the shadow and subconscious. I began to research a book that resinates with me, but that's going to take some time and effort on my part to find the "perfect" book for me. As I think about that, the thought of giving myself a deadline to acquire such book comes to mind and my response was to find it by the start of the year or my date of birth. The aroma of Purple Runtz fills the air, the same as it did last night. Although today it is mixed with Cherry Punch, combining all of the effects of each strain creating a concoction of happiness, excitement, the tingles and relaxation. I actually awoke today with no pain, as some of you may know I was involved in an auto accident late last year and since I've experienced much pain in my shoulder, neck and back. 

Thankfully, today there is no pain, as I mentioned earlier. As I typed those words the pain began... I believe it is due to both strains being hybrid and I don't know the indica to sativa ratio of each or when combined. I will admit the past few weeks I've felt a lot of depression, on the bright side, I've begun my routine of meds, detoxing, nurturing and being mindful of my wellbeing; leaving me feeling better and in alignment to feel the voice of my eleven year old inner child and her sharing moments of happiness with me. I also admit I am looking forward to hearing what she has to reveal to me about myself. As I discussed this happenstance with a friend I discovered my newfound journey, into my self with the assistance of my eleven year old self. 

I am unsure if I've shared this in public however, many of my close friends and family are aware that I do not remember the majority of my childhood. I can recall bits and pieces, but I do not remember if the issues with my memory began before or after the initial anxiety attack in the year 2012. Nevertheless, here I am. Anxiety disorder, depression, eczema, bipolar disorder, and dyslexia. All due to allowing myself to stay too long in unhealthy environments, unbeknownst to me the environments were dysfunctional because they were so familiar. Having an anxiety attack of that magnitude at the initial onset must have some ramifications. I've never thought of that prior to this moment, causing me to feel as if that may be the reason anxiety for me is so heavy. 

With all of that one thing that stands out and perplexes me, is the knowledge of being dyslexic as a writer. I believe that is the reasoning for being stunned by my grades in the English course I've taken thus far. Actually, my college experience this go-round has been beyond my expectation. My first college experience was filled with outstanding circumstances causing me to "drop out". My first attempt to restart my college journey in the year 2015 was filled with anxiety to the extent I could not attend my courses; dropping out again. This time has been very rewarding as I've only received A and B grades thus far. I've known about dyslexia for some time, but it wasn't until this astronomy course that I finally accepted the self-diagnosis. 

As a writer with dyslexia I find it gratifying to write as well as I do with such an impediment. I am unsure how this information coincides with thoughts of my eleven year old self, but I have a feeling it does to an extent. If I am not mistaken, that was the year my family moved from our home to an apartment, of course I do not recall the details however, I already had a friend or two in the neighborhood and attended honors classes at my new school. I believe that was the year I fully understood that I was "different" from my peers, realizing my thirst for knowledge and ability to write. Although I did not share that with others as I felt it was my sacred space. I still feel that way to an extent yet pushing forward I challenge myself to share on various outlets: such as the blogs and social media. 

Once I find the appropriate book for my inner child journey I will let you all know should you choose to join me. As always I would like to thank you all for your support regarding what I share with you. I also hope you take a moment to spend with the Moon, as it will be Full until this Saturday. Or visit nature and ground as we welcome the blessings of the last quarter of the year. Wishing you all peace and wellness.

Until next time.

Kamille 💗

a glance in the mirror

"silence is an ocean. speech is a river. when the ocean is searching for you, don't walk into the river. listen to the ocean."

Rumi

I've been staring at a blank screen for days... well, weeks. My Summer course ended (I got an A-) and I intended to write an expression entitled "schools out for Summer" then too much time passed now that Fall Semester is quickly approaching so I thought I let the window close for that, so here I am in the mood to write with nothing to say (that I know of). I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind, but they are so rapid I can barely decipher one from another. I've been paying a little too much attention to what's going on in current events and I find myself battling depression. I push through it as I have a lot of things that depend on me to get them done so I don't have the opportunity to stay in bed and tune out the world as I would like to do on some days. 

Recognizing areas within myself that I feel is poking me for attention I've decided that it is time for me to make some changes for myself. It feels as if I am beginning to understand the bipolar diagnosis I received some years ago. Dealing with mood swings for the past few weeks I feel as if I've finally moved from the awareness stage and into the allowance phase of acceptance. It's as if today I was able to see the bipolar depression within myself and how it presents itself for me. Although I've been having mood swings I internalize them so much so that I am certain only one or two in my circle have noticed. I had plans today, but realized I was in no mood to interact with others so I rescheduled for tomorrow. I haven't been to the beach in quite some time and rarely spent time with the Moon yet I feel grounded in some way. Hopefully I can make it to the beach one day next week, maybe during the New Moon seeing how it is a good time for introspection and meditation. 

I've been rather silent on social media and in real life, focusing on coursework and building certain relationships while letting go of others.  The coursework has been a good distraction from some thoughts and feelings I have been avoiding, however now that I've had a break from college I feel a bit claustrophobic in my own body or mind. I feel as if I need a reset and a recharge, but there's no days off when you're manifesting the life of your dreams. One of my courses begins on Monday and the other in September, I am not announcing that I'm taking a break however please understand if I don't post much. As some of you know the last part of the year can be a bit difficult for me so I tend to meditate a lot and plan for the New Year. 

Last week my nail technician asked me "when are you going to start taking care of yourself?" she went on to say "you take care of everyone else..." all I could say was "you're right", but as the days have gone by her words stuck in my mind. Realizing how much I do for others in my life yet when it comes to myself I'll say things like "I'll do it tomorrow" or dismiss it as if it's not important. I am beginning to understand where this stems from however this is not the outlet for that revelation or perhaps it is just not the time. I considered returning to therapy or have another session with my tarot reader. I find that the past few therapist I've had failed to establish a rapport and although I know it's a "safe space" I don't feel as if I truly am as they have not provided any corrective or constructive criticism. They continue to tell me how "great" I'm doing despite what I'm saying I feel which irritates me. 

Lately, Frosted Cherry Cookies has been a life saver! I feel as if it has been keeping me relaxed, at least on the exterior and allowing me to remain somewhat "cool" and not snappy with those around me. Tomorrow I have plans to take myself to lunch and a few other errands aside from that I must skim through my textbook for next weeks chapters to get a head start. I thought by returning to college I was focusing on myself, I'm realizing I've been nurturing my intellectual aspect of myself while allowing my spiritual and physical to feel a bit abandoned. It seems since the onset of these diagnoses (anxiety, depression and bipolar) there's constantly something being neglected while I give my attention to the "squeaky wheel". Then once that matter is resolved there's a list of others requiring my attention. I miss the days when I was a well-balanced person with nearly everything going well for myself. 

I even asked myself if it were some way possible I could return to "that" person and the answer, unfortunately is "no". I now have conditions which require an overwhelming effort to remain sane, there's no way I can do certain things which will disrupt that. I believe that's where the acceptance comes in, although it makes me a bit angry I must accept that things are vastly different with the inability to return to the way things were therefore I have no choice but to get to a place where I can fully accept the way things have changed and allow myself to meditate and pray about the vision of my future. Since I am enrolled online for my course my professor instructed us to write a paragraph introducing ourselves to one another in the class. One part of the assignment she asked us to share our daydreams (optional) I choose not to acknowledge that part of the assignment. 

Doing a bit of an introspection as well as a quick survey I asked a couple friends to describe my personality, I know that I am a shy person (in person) however I was a little overwhelmed with how shy I come across. Unfortunately it's not something I believe I can improve, partly because I don't want to (to an extent) in addition to the fact that I don't quite know how to overcome my shyness. In this moment I have a thought that I want some writer friends, where I can bounce writing ideas off of one another and provide constructive criticism on our work. Then I remember why that isn't as appealing as it first seemed. The truth is, I don't enjoy reading much of what others choose as topics; from experience in my English courses then I think perhaps It would be a little different when it's for enjoyment rather than coursework. 

I want to begin hiking again, however that is not an activity I would like to do alone and with Covid back on the horizon I am not inclined to do so with strangers. I also want to do a cleanse, I want to detox my body and make some changes to my eating habits which reminds me of how unsafe our food is these days, it's sickening to know that even fruit and vegetables have been contaminated with pesticides, wax, etc... I won't go down that train of thought, but I am disgusted which agitates the bipolar triggers. The fact that many of the "vitamins" aren't even what they say they are and the food is all never mind. A song that I really like came on which is bringing my mood to a better space and it feels "right on time". It feels good to write after so much time has passed, I'm beginning to feel as if I've said enough for now. So until next time, be well.

on my mind

I began this expression several times, deleting the words written for various reasons. Yesterday I was awakened at 2:22 a.m., rather than returning to my dreams I decided to "stay up and write", it was 5:00 a.m. before there were finally words on the screen. Then I thought to research the angel number 222, which spoke of balance, harmony, manifestation and other things that have been on my mind in recent days, months I should say. Since returning to college I have been more mindful of my writing and my voice, wanting to express the creative aspect of myself and enjoying the feeling of writing what's in my heart or on my mind without a deadline or grade attached. A week or two ago I discovered purple runtz, to my surprise I enjoy it, which is what I had the morning during the time between wanting to write and actually writing. Although it is described to have arousing properties, I chose to harness that energy and transmute it into creativity for the purpose of writing something. 

For the past few years I have had dreams of winning the lottery and what I'd do or how my daily life would change. The main objective for this desire isn't to be wealthy; although that is a huge bonus, for me it's more about the financial freedom and such. It wasn't until recently I began to put forth an effort to win, for years I'd tell myself "you can't win if you don't play" yet reluctant to buy the ticket. I don't know why or when that changed for me, but I am glad the change was made. The significance of angel numbers has increased since my initial knowledge of them, I see certain numbers quite often; not overwhelmingly so. Oftentimes I see numbers associated with luck and abundance, which has aided in my willingness to play and having some success. I feel as if I have a lot of time to fantasize, which I embrace most of the time, other times I find myself bored. Which is something I should revisit, because as a friend said recently "you act like you don't have a whole book to write"; those times of boredom should be spent writing said book however, I don't want to feel forced. That's the thing about me, when writing it has to feel organic and inspired; I don't want to feel like writing is a job where I'm forcing the thoughts onto the page. 

A few days ago I found myself annoyed and impatient regarding the course I'm taking for Summer semester, I currently have ten assignments waiting to be graded and I feel it's quite unprofessional of my professor to take so long to grade them. Overall, I think the professor is a good one aside from a couple annoyances; such as the time it takes to receive grades on assignments. My counselor suggested I not take the second course I had in mind, because Summer semester is accelerated and I may become overwhelmed. The reason I chose to listen was because I am obsessed with grades, gpa's and the like; so the idea that I'd become overwhelmed and not do my best was not worth it. So here I am, in one course, bored and impatiently waiting for each new assignment to be posted. So far I have a B+ which should be an A if said assignments were graded, but I have no choice but to wait until that happens. Aside from college my days have been pretty full while remembering to schedule time for self-care. Although this Summer hasn't had a lot of "fun", I am enjoying it nonetheless.

Speaking of self-care, my body is telling me to take a nap and I am choosing to listen; hopefully when I awake I'll have the words to complete this expression... 

Feeling rested and a bit high the effects of the purple runtz has begun to run its course, feelings of euphoria fill my being while the headache I had is beginning to disappear. My favorite Pink Floyd song plays and I am in a trancelike state, embodying the feelings I'd anticipate when winning the lottery, awaiting my assignments for this week as well as my lover's return. Finally finding information about the strain,  oasis mentioned in the expression, purpose and pressure. I just smoked a preroll and noticed what I had written, my brain connected the two and I had the thought I'd find information about it. I also have a yearning to speak with my tarot advisor and to do a tarot reading for myself, I haven't planned out the coming week so I don't know the best day and time to do so as of yet; the thing about the yearning is I don't know what is in my heart to know. 

I had the thought to brainstorm in a private journal and see what's in my heart requiring clarity, I may do that while I await the weeks assignments. Anxiety is on the horizon as I anticipate what the week has in store along with my intentions for it, Goapele's "Closer" comes on and the lyrics are inspiring in this moment. Especially as she speaks about being closer to her dreams and seeing them in her sleep; which I spoke of experiencing earlier in this expression. I love the synchronicity of the music, angel numbers, astrology, etc., I am seeing these days. I feel aligned with myself while noticing areas in need of my attention. Funny another word for synchronicity would be harmony, another thing as I've mentioned is coming up more often.  

As it seems we are in a depression I am conflicted when I have feelings of happiness knowing what's happening in the Supreme Court with all their unfair rulings, the housing crisis, the continuation of racism and discrimination, inflation, etc., When I keep my mind on the bubble which is my life I am content until I peek out of said bubble and realize the country is in shambles, although some are benefiting from the chaos. The unfairness of life (for many) is maddening! I pray for change, the kind that is long lasting; as the actors and writers strike I feel if done correctly that is possibly a start in the right direction and other industries may follow suit. Where is the voice of our citizen's who like me, are ready for the government to get their foot off of our necks? I pray for a better society, one where racism, discrimination and other unfair practices cease to exist. I don't know if that is idealistic, but something has got to change in our favor!

I know I'm a bit all over the place, I know I don't usually speak on politics or social issues, but today that is a part of what's on my mind and I find myself overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. Going back into my dreams and feelings of happiness in an attempt to prevent depression within myself. Still awaiting grades and avoiding boredom I am at a loss for words, not quite writer's block, but something like it after I've gotten this far. I took a break from writing and had a fun time at the park, smoking and playing cards. Still waiting for these assignments and grades, I'm going to be patient and give it until tomorrow afternoon to see what's what. 

The afternoon has come and gone, it's almost tomorrow and still no grades, feedback or new assignments for my course. I would be frustrated, but it gives me time to work on other projects and write this expression. Currently awaiting food I feel a bit restless yet overwhelmed. In need of another outlet for my creativity; which may be the root cause of the restlessness. I've decided to take a break from my work; I figure I'll wait for my food to arrive, complete this expression, eat, smoke then get back to it. On the verge of becoming hangry I attempt to check-in with myself as to why I am feeling so emotional, the answer soon comes and I don't know how to combat it in this moment. I believe the social problems expressed earlier, being hungry and not winning the Powerball are all swirling around in my head and as I must wait for the delivery, I again feel helpless.

As I prepare to get back to work I feel better for having gotten those thoughts off my mind.

Until next time.

smoke in the city

 “let the beauty we love be what we do.“

Rumi

In my last expression I spoke about wondering if writing inspirational books was the path for me and quite honestly I am still unsure. My initial thought is that I don't want to come across as if I am preaching at my audience, especially since I don't like that feeling of having a writer "preach" to me when I'm reading their work. The more thought I give it, the more I think that is not the path I'd like to journey upon. I acknowledge that when I post my expressions I like to have a positive outlook or outcome regarding the thoughts I've shared or at least hopefulness, maybe even a bit of uplifting however I don't see that as inspirational. Perhaps I need to rethink what inspirational is and how it may fit my style of writing. 

Summer is officially here and my class is going well; much easier than I anticipated however, there's about 3 weeks remaining so time will tell if it remains as such. American "Independence Day" has come and gone leaving clouds of smoke in the city; although I don't technically celebrate the day, I put my own smoke in the air in the form of Cherry Punch. The heat was overwhelming, causing my plans to be interrupted. Nevertheless, it was a good day filled with cannabis, good food and good company. 

When thinking of my writing and the amount of writing I've been doing for college, I am realizing how much I love writing. Especially when I am challenged to write about meaningful topics that I don't necessarily discuss in my daily life. Such as the Supreme Court overturning Affirmative Action and cancelling student loan debt, two rulings that may affect me at some point of my college career. It's interesting that those rulings occurred days before celebrating "freedom" in this country. Not necessarily shocking, but noteworthy as those who need these programs the most will be the ones to suffer because of them. Taking away the freedom to choose a college or university that may not have accepted us solely because of our race, gender, socioeconomic status, etc., while "legacy admissions" is a thing is mind-blowing. 

I am happy to have found something I love which could someday generate income, which is one step closer to financial freedom and success. I only wish I had discovered this desire to write when I was much younger, however, life happens as it should. At least that's a philosophy I abide by; to an extent. Even with that belief I find myself at times questioning the course of my journey and wondering "what is going on?" not much of the "why is this happening?" anymore. I trust God and the universe to guide and protect me yet there are times I am unsure of the guidance I am receiving or interpreting. Like now, with the state of my affairs, I am curious as to where I am on my path and the destination of my journey. Although (at times) I am "enjoying the ride" I am often confused about the "balance" of things going well opposed to things that are not going as I would have intended. 

I believe it's safe to say that many of us have heard the saying "find what you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life", I've worked many days, since I was a teenager (14 years old to be specific) resulting in an anxiety attack forcing me to retire well before retirement age. I used to question "why did this happen to me?" now I embrace the time I have to write, return to college and fill my days as I choose. Balancing mental health issues is a "job" within itself, managing my hormones, mood and overall well-being all while "making it look easy" is tougher than I ever imagined. Needless to say, it is my life therefore I must continue on the journey I find myself on whether it's tough or less difficult. With each course I take I am recognizing the love I have for writing is growing stronger with each assignment, finding myself anxious for the next module to open and pride in myself when I accomplish the task and receive the grades I am satisfied with.

The thought came to mind, it's crazy to me that we celebrate freedom yet the courts are doing everything they can to strip us of those very freedom's many fought and died for.  I digress. 

Last week I was encouraged to "write a book, please" and rather than the usual feelings of overwhelming anxiety to my surprise I felt a bit inspired. I thought of a semi-autobiographical book beginning with the first expression I made "public", titled "How Did I Get Here?". The thought that overwhelms me is, that expression speaks about a place in my life where I made changes to my lifestyle and found happiness; which isn't what overwhelms me, what does is the fact that the "story" isn't over. I haven't reached a level of success to share, so once I tell how I got here (as of 2012) what do I fill the remaining chapters with? The struggles of the past 10+ years with anxiety disorder, depression and bipolar disorder? Although I have not experienced the trauma of hospitalization in quite a few years, navigating through daily life brings upon it's on struggles as those things (anxiety disorder, depression and bipolar disorder) aren't circumstances a person "overcomes", we manage and maintain balance. 

So, what do I write about? Especially since every person dealing with these issues have unique experiences and although some may relate, perhaps many will not. Which scares me because I'd like to do well as an author; how can that happen with low book sales? Then I wonder, am I "putting the cart before the horse"? Last month there was a surge in readership on this blog as well as the original; which surprised me, I recall saying in an expression (I don't recall which) that I write and share without concerning myself of "how many" readers there are, I share because my words may help someone along their journey, even if that someone is me. I think I should keep that philosophy in mind when thinking about book sales and such. The fulfillment of accomplishing that goal may be satisfaction enough or I may be surprised as I was with last months "stats". 

As night becomes dawn, I am still awake; fireworks are still filling the sky with smoke and I am almost out of words to share. I have an early morning planned yet sleep alludes me, I pray I'll be able to get enough rest to feel able to make my first unscheduled "appointment" which is taking Rocko to the groomer. He had a hell of a day with the noise of the fireworks in addition to eating his little heart out and roaming the backyard. His coat shows he had a lot going on; so I figure I'd give him a "Rocko Appreciation" Day. Since it's rather impromptu I am hoping the groomer will accept us as "walk-ins" and I won't make the hour long drive in vain... I opted out of that plan as he has an appointment scheduled for Saturday and I wouldn't be wasting time, energy and gas driving and possibly not being seen. 

It feels like Monday yet the week is half-way over; I have to replan my day, seeing how my assignments for completed for this week maybe I'll go to the beach. Hmm I believe I already have a beach day planned for the week along with a trip to the farmer's market, I've gone to the beach multiples days in the week before so that isn't unheard of. Often thinking of what else there is to do in the city; however, I have yet to find anything of interest so I haven't done much this Summer. As smoke fills the air I am thinking about next week, which is the day my Dad passed; July 12, 2018... but I'll save that for another expression. I don't know what I plan to do to celebrate his memory, focusing on the time spent and lessons learned from him rather than mourning or grieving. 

I miss my Dad. I am often reminded of some of the last words he spoke to me, letting me know how proud he was of me and I know how encouraging he would be about my writing and book ideas. Although Mother's and Father's Day have long gone, if your parents are still here and you have a relationship with them I encourage you to love on them especially when it's unexpected because you never know when that time will come. I wish I had more time with my Dad, but I have memories that make me smile and photos to reminisce. This expression is a bit all over the place and I think I've ventured off topic, but that's what happens when you allow the fingers to speak what your heart says. Maybe that's why the idea of writing a book right now keeps coming up? Perhaps there's a "story" in my heart that wants to be heard?

Until next time...

purpose and pressure

I've been consumed with my course work, preventing me from having the concentration to tap into myself and find the words to share. I've missed you all... I've been fascinated with the latest strain I've tried, Oreoz; good for anxiety, stress and depression, from my experience. It's been a while since I've been able to be creative and I've missed that aspect of myself. Not even writing in my personal journals, just calendars and course work. I began this expression late February/ early March with rarely the time or thoughts to share. After completing Spring semester I had a thought to write something for "fun". So here we are...

Lately, I've been smoking Cereal Milk and the effects have been as described minus the negatives. I believe it's what's inspired me to write recently; unfortunately, I don't know what to say. So much time has passed without being in a creative space, I seem to have forgotten how to tap into in to it. Seeing how my Summer course began and I passed my Spring courses with "good" grades, I decided to "celebrate" with a drink and some Alien OG. Since I took an impromptu break from my meds the cannabis is helping with my moods, for the most part. However, I do intend to begin the regimen soon; each time I've taken a break I know it's too long when I can pinpoint how the medication keeps me "balanced". 

I've found a new strain called "The Oasis", however I have yet to find any information online to share with you. The effects have been good for anxiety, stress, depression and even has some sprinkles of arousal mixed in. Attempting to find the words to share thoughts of my lover enter my mind, however I don't want to share those details in this expression... As you know, well those of you who have been around for a while and some of you may be learning, I make a conscious effort to write from my heart and let the words flow as they may without much editing and no censoring. Which is why I desire to share something else even if I haven't recognized what that is yet.

Listening to music and smoking, tapping into myself for the words to share; where is the inspiration? I seemed to have lost or forgotten what inspires me these days. I took a moment to read the definition of inspire as well as inspiration and the definition confused me a bit because it was far different than what I've always thought it to mean. I am not inspired, even with taking various courses; although I have a goal in mind I am not totally aiming for that. Initially I began taking courses out of boredom, then I felt challenged by the work which made me want to do my best and get the grades I know I could achieve. Each course being more challenging than the last, I want to see how far I can go even if the degree is not the prize for me. The prize for me is to write books, I know that with the knowledge about writing that I am learning I will be a better writer; the issue is what type of books do I want to write?

I read a lot of self-help and "inspirational" style books, I don't know if that's my lane or if I would like to venture off into fiction. I recall years ago beginning the synopsis of a book I had in mind which would be loosely based on various events I'd experienced. I believe I had a title, then I got overwhelmed with the process of developing the story. To be honest that's another reason I'm taking various English courses; to eventually bring that book or another to life. A moment passes as the last sentence ended and I have a thought about purpose, again. What is the purpose of this unwritten book? Which then takes me to the thought of my purpose, as usual. 

I feel pressure, to create something long lasting, even though I have not discovered what that would be. The pressure isn't coming from within so I've ignored it for as long as I could yet it's coming up again and I am addressing it to an extent. Thoughts of failure comes to mind, I won't go into that in this expression, but I am aware that it is a concept that is mixed in with the pressure I feel to be "successful". A lot of what is considered failure and success comes from one's perspective and priorities, I believe. One person's view on success and failure is relative to another person's thoughts or ideas; although the topic is the same the outlook differs from person to person. 

At times I feel as if I've failed myself for not having written a book yet, realizing I don't have a deadline to do so; I ask myself if that is an excuse? Or perhaps I should give myself a (realistic) deadline? The thing is, I am taking steps to shorten the gap between now and a finished product; by taking courses within my craft to better myself. I have books on "How to Write" and such, but it wasn't until my first few assignments that I learned some new things about writing. Then the question enters my mind and I am a bit perplexed because in all these years I've never asked myself, "why do you write?" then "why do you share what you write?" Which takes me right back to purpose...

It's as if that question is ever-present; what is my purpose? 

I don't expect the answer to come to me in this moment, it would be great if it did; but how do you know when something you do is your purpose in life? I don't recall when I realized I am a "good writer"; what I do know is that it was late in life so I never considered it to be my purpose. I've had journals since around the 9th grade, one of the first began in an English class where apart of our participation was that for the first (approximately) 10 minutes of class we'd all write in our journals and at the end of a specified period of time we'd turn them in and the teacher would read and grade them. The teacher I had was a woman, I don't recall her name, but I do recall her giving me feedback or writing comments about my expressions. However, she didn't outright say "You should become a writer" I feel as if she had maybe I would have recognized it earlier causing the shape of my life to be different. Honestly, had someone in my life during my developmental years took an interest in my gifts, talents and interests rather than consistent criticism who knows the choices I would have made. 

Looking back I feel as if I made the best choices I could with the information I had at those times. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20"; knowing what I know now there are a lot of choices I would have done differently. I don't dwell on those thoughts, rather I look for ways to create opportunities for myself with the idea of becoming the Woman I truly know is within me. The past (nearly) 11 years of my life has been a rollercoaster, even with the blogs there's so much I excluded or gave vague references to what I may have been experiencing. The development of Anxiety Disorder and Depression, then discovering being Bipolar absolutely took me by surprise, especially with the complexity of these conditions. 

The music jumps from genre to genre and I am allowing the vibe to allow the words to flow without censorship, which is what I was hoping would happen when I decided to build upon this expression (which has been in the works for months). I completed my assignment for this week, which leaves me with days to fill with whatever my heart desires. I've gone to the beach twice and spent some time with the Moon, two things I love yet have not made time for lately. I will admit, I feel much better the past few days than I have in months. After getting this far in my writing, I like that I was able to get these thoughts out however, I have get to think of a title; I know it's coming I just have to be patient. 

This expression is much longer than I intended yet after months of nothing I suppose it was inevitable. I would like to take the time to acknowledge the drastic increase in readership this past month, even with nothing recent to report until now. Hello, to all of the newbies who are discovering my words as well as those of you who are familiar with my writing. I hope you all are well and safe while the "pandemic" is "over". Some, like myself are still adjusting to the new normal of it all while others have been outside for a while. As the first week of Summer has begun I am excited for what it has to offer, with beach dates; enjoying the outdoors and all that comes with such...

Until next time