a glance in the mirror

"silence is an ocean. speech is a river. when the ocean is searching for you, don't walk into the river. listen to the ocean."

Rumi

I've been staring at a blank screen for days... well, weeks. My Summer course ended (I got an A-) and I intended to write an expression entitled "schools out for Summer" then too much time passed now that Fall Semester is quickly approaching so I thought I let the window close for that, so here I am in the mood to write with nothing to say (that I know of). I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind, but they are so rapid I can barely decipher one from another. I've been paying a little too much attention to what's going on in current events and I find myself battling depression. I push through it as I have a lot of things that depend on me to get them done so I don't have the opportunity to stay in bed and tune out the world as I would like to do on some days. 

Recognizing areas within myself that I feel is poking me for attention I've decided that it is time for me to make some changes for myself. It feels as if I am beginning to understand the bipolar diagnosis I received some years ago. Dealing with mood swings for the past few weeks I feel as if I've finally moved from the awareness stage and into the allowance phase of acceptance. It's as if today I was able to see the bipolar depression within myself and how it presents itself for me. Although I've been having mood swings I internalize them so much so that I am certain only one or two in my circle have noticed. I had plans today, but realized I was in no mood to interact with others so I rescheduled for tomorrow. I haven't been to the beach in quite some time and rarely spent time with the Moon yet I feel grounded in some way. Hopefully I can make it to the beach one day next week, maybe during the New Moon seeing how it is a good time for introspection and meditation. 

I've been rather silent on social media and in real life, focusing on coursework and building certain relationships while letting go of others.  The coursework has been a good distraction from some thoughts and feelings I have been avoiding, however now that I've had a break from college I feel a bit claustrophobic in my own body or mind. I feel as if I need a reset and a recharge, but there's no days off when you're manifesting the life of your dreams. One of my courses begins on Monday and the other in September, I am not announcing that I'm taking a break however please understand if I don't post much. As some of you know the last part of the year can be a bit difficult for me so I tend to meditate a lot and plan for the New Year. 

Last week my nail technician asked me "when are you going to start taking care of yourself?" she went on to say "you take care of everyone else..." all I could say was "you're right", but as the days have gone by her words stuck in my mind. Realizing how much I do for others in my life yet when it comes to myself I'll say things like "I'll do it tomorrow" or dismiss it as if it's not important. I am beginning to understand where this stems from however this is not the outlet for that revelation or perhaps it is just not the time. I considered returning to therapy or have another session with my tarot reader. I find that the past few therapist I've had failed to establish a rapport and although I know it's a "safe space" I don't feel as if I truly am as they have not provided any corrective or constructive criticism. They continue to tell me how "great" I'm doing despite what I'm saying I feel which irritates me. 

Lately, Frosted Cherry Cookies has been a life saver! I feel as if it has been keeping me relaxed, at least on the exterior and allowing me to remain somewhat "cool" and not snappy with those around me. Tomorrow I have plans to take myself to lunch and a few other errands aside from that I must skim through my textbook for next weeks chapters to get a head start. I thought by returning to college I was focusing on myself, I'm realizing I've been nurturing my intellectual aspect of myself while allowing my spiritual and physical to feel a bit abandoned. It seems since the onset of these diagnoses (anxiety, depression and bipolar) there's constantly something being neglected while I give my attention to the "squeaky wheel". Then once that matter is resolved there's a list of others requiring my attention. I miss the days when I was a well-balanced person with nearly everything going well for myself. 

I even asked myself if it were some way possible I could return to "that" person and the answer, unfortunately is "no". I now have conditions which require an overwhelming effort to remain sane, there's no way I can do certain things which will disrupt that. I believe that's where the acceptance comes in, although it makes me a bit angry I must accept that things are vastly different with the inability to return to the way things were therefore I have no choice but to get to a place where I can fully accept the way things have changed and allow myself to meditate and pray about the vision of my future. Since I am enrolled online for my course my professor instructed us to write a paragraph introducing ourselves to one another in the class. One part of the assignment she asked us to share our daydreams (optional) I choose not to acknowledge that part of the assignment. 

Doing a bit of an introspection as well as a quick survey I asked a couple friends to describe my personality, I know that I am a shy person (in person) however I was a little overwhelmed with how shy I come across. Unfortunately it's not something I believe I can improve, partly because I don't want to (to an extent) in addition to the fact that I don't quite know how to overcome my shyness. In this moment I have a thought that I want some writer friends, where I can bounce writing ideas off of one another and provide constructive criticism on our work. Then I remember why that isn't as appealing as it first seemed. The truth is, I don't enjoy reading much of what others choose as topics; from experience in my English courses then I think perhaps It would be a little different when it's for enjoyment rather than coursework. 

I want to begin hiking again, however that is not an activity I would like to do alone and with Covid back on the horizon I am not inclined to do so with strangers. I also want to do a cleanse, I want to detox my body and make some changes to my eating habits which reminds me of how unsafe our food is these days, it's sickening to know that even fruit and vegetables have been contaminated with pesticides, wax, etc... I won't go down that train of thought, but I am disgusted which agitates the bipolar triggers. The fact that many of the "vitamins" aren't even what they say they are and the food is all never mind. A song that I really like came on which is bringing my mood to a better space and it feels "right on time". It feels good to write after so much time has passed, I'm beginning to feel as if I've said enough for now. So until next time, be well.

on my mind

I began this expression several times, deleting the words written for various reasons. Yesterday I was awakened at 2:22 a.m., rather than returning to my dreams I decided to "stay up and write", it was 5:00 a.m. before there were finally words on the screen. Then I thought to research the angel number 222, which spoke of balance, harmony, manifestation and other things that have been on my mind in recent days, months I should say. Since returning to college I have been more mindful of my writing and my voice, wanting to express the creative aspect of myself and enjoying the feeling of writing what's in my heart or on my mind without a deadline or grade attached. A week or two ago I discovered purple runtz, to my surprise I enjoy it, which is what I had the morning during the time between wanting to write and actually writing. Although it is described to have arousing properties, I chose to harness that energy and transmute it into creativity for the purpose of writing something. 

For the past few years I have had dreams of winning the lottery and what I'd do or how my daily life would change. The main objective for this desire isn't to be wealthy; although that is a huge bonus, for me it's more about the financial freedom and such. It wasn't until recently I began to put forth an effort to win, for years I'd tell myself "you can't win if you don't play" yet reluctant to buy the ticket. I don't know why or when that changed for me, but I am glad the change was made. The significance of angel numbers has increased since my initial knowledge of them, I see certain numbers quite often; not overwhelmingly so. Oftentimes I see numbers associated with luck and abundance, which has aided in my willingness to play and having some success. I feel as if I have a lot of time to fantasize, which I embrace most of the time, other times I find myself bored. Which is something I should revisit, because as a friend said recently "you act like you don't have a whole book to write"; those times of boredom should be spent writing said book however, I don't want to feel forced. That's the thing about me, when writing it has to feel organic and inspired; I don't want to feel like writing is a job where I'm forcing the thoughts onto the page. 

A few days ago I found myself annoyed and impatient regarding the course I'm taking for Summer semester, I currently have ten assignments waiting to be graded and I feel it's quite unprofessional of my professor to take so long to grade them. Overall, I think the professor is a good one aside from a couple annoyances; such as the time it takes to receive grades on assignments. My counselor suggested I not take the second course I had in mind, because Summer semester is accelerated and I may become overwhelmed. The reason I chose to listen was because I am obsessed with grades, gpa's and the like; so the idea that I'd become overwhelmed and not do my best was not worth it. So here I am, in one course, bored and impatiently waiting for each new assignment to be posted. So far I have a B+ which should be an A if said assignments were graded, but I have no choice but to wait until that happens. Aside from college my days have been pretty full while remembering to schedule time for self-care. Although this Summer hasn't had a lot of "fun", I am enjoying it nonetheless.

Speaking of self-care, my body is telling me to take a nap and I am choosing to listen; hopefully when I awake I'll have the words to complete this expression... 

Feeling rested and a bit high the effects of the purple runtz has begun to run its course, feelings of euphoria fill my being while the headache I had is beginning to disappear. My favorite Pink Floyd song plays and I am in a trancelike state, embodying the feelings I'd anticipate when winning the lottery, awaiting my assignments for this week as well as my lover's return. Finally finding information about the strain,  oasis mentioned in the expression, purpose and pressure. I just smoked a preroll and noticed what I had written, my brain connected the two and I had the thought I'd find information about it. I also have a yearning to speak with my tarot advisor and to do a tarot reading for myself, I haven't planned out the coming week so I don't know the best day and time to do so as of yet; the thing about the yearning is I don't know what is in my heart to know. 

I had the thought to brainstorm in a private journal and see what's in my heart requiring clarity, I may do that while I await the weeks assignments. Anxiety is on the horizon as I anticipate what the week has in store along with my intentions for it, Goapele's "Closer" comes on and the lyrics are inspiring in this moment. Especially as she speaks about being closer to her dreams and seeing them in her sleep; which I spoke of experiencing earlier in this expression. I love the synchronicity of the music, angel numbers, astrology, etc., I am seeing these days. I feel aligned with myself while noticing areas in need of my attention. Funny another word for synchronicity would be harmony, another thing as I've mentioned is coming up more often.  

As it seems we are in a depression I am conflicted when I have feelings of happiness knowing what's happening in the Supreme Court with all their unfair rulings, the housing crisis, the continuation of racism and discrimination, inflation, etc., When I keep my mind on the bubble which is my life I am content until I peek out of said bubble and realize the country is in shambles, although some are benefiting from the chaos. The unfairness of life (for many) is maddening! I pray for change, the kind that is long lasting; as the actors and writers strike I feel if done correctly that is possibly a start in the right direction and other industries may follow suit. Where is the voice of our citizen's who like me, are ready for the government to get their foot off of our necks? I pray for a better society, one where racism, discrimination and other unfair practices cease to exist. I don't know if that is idealistic, but something has got to change in our favor!

I know I'm a bit all over the place, I know I don't usually speak on politics or social issues, but today that is a part of what's on my mind and I find myself overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. Going back into my dreams and feelings of happiness in an attempt to prevent depression within myself. Still awaiting grades and avoiding boredom I am at a loss for words, not quite writer's block, but something like it after I've gotten this far. I took a break from writing and had a fun time at the park, smoking and playing cards. Still waiting for these assignments and grades, I'm going to be patient and give it until tomorrow afternoon to see what's what. 

The afternoon has come and gone, it's almost tomorrow and still no grades, feedback or new assignments for my course. I would be frustrated, but it gives me time to work on other projects and write this expression. Currently awaiting food I feel a bit restless yet overwhelmed. In need of another outlet for my creativity; which may be the root cause of the restlessness. I've decided to take a break from my work; I figure I'll wait for my food to arrive, complete this expression, eat, smoke then get back to it. On the verge of becoming hangry I attempt to check-in with myself as to why I am feeling so emotional, the answer soon comes and I don't know how to combat it in this moment. I believe the social problems expressed earlier, being hungry and not winning the Powerball are all swirling around in my head and as I must wait for the delivery, I again feel helpless.

As I prepare to get back to work I feel better for having gotten those thoughts off my mind.

Until next time.

smoke in the city

 “let the beauty we love be what we do.“

Rumi

In my last expression I spoke about wondering if writing inspirational books was the path for me and quite honestly I am still unsure. My initial thought is that I don't want to come across as if I am preaching at my audience, especially since I don't like that feeling of having a writer "preach" to me when I'm reading their work. The more thought I give it, the more I think that is not the path I'd like to journey upon. I acknowledge that when I post my expressions I like to have a positive outlook or outcome regarding the thoughts I've shared or at least hopefulness, maybe even a bit of uplifting however I don't see that as inspirational. Perhaps I need to rethink what inspirational is and how it may fit my style of writing. 

Summer is officially here and my class is going well; much easier than I anticipated however, there's about 3 weeks remaining so time will tell if it remains as such. American "Independence Day" has come and gone leaving clouds of smoke in the city; although I don't technically celebrate the day, I put my own smoke in the air in the form of Cherry Punch. The heat was overwhelming, causing my plans to be interrupted. Nevertheless, it was a good day filled with cannabis, good food and good company. 

When thinking of my writing and the amount of writing I've been doing for college, I am realizing how much I love writing. Especially when I am challenged to write about meaningful topics that I don't necessarily discuss in my daily life. Such as the Supreme Court overturning Affirmative Action and cancelling student loan debt, two rulings that may affect me at some point of my college career. It's interesting that those rulings occurred days before celebrating "freedom" in this country. Not necessarily shocking, but noteworthy as those who need these programs the most will be the ones to suffer because of them. Taking away the freedom to choose a college or university that may not have accepted us solely because of our race, gender, socioeconomic status, etc., while "legacy admissions" is a thing is mind-blowing. 

I am happy to have found something I love which could someday generate income, which is one step closer to financial freedom and success. I only wish I had discovered this desire to write when I was much younger, however, life happens as it should. At least that's a philosophy I abide by; to an extent. Even with that belief I find myself at times questioning the course of my journey and wondering "what is going on?" not much of the "why is this happening?" anymore. I trust God and the universe to guide and protect me yet there are times I am unsure of the guidance I am receiving or interpreting. Like now, with the state of my affairs, I am curious as to where I am on my path and the destination of my journey. Although (at times) I am "enjoying the ride" I am often confused about the "balance" of things going well opposed to things that are not going as I would have intended. 

I believe it's safe to say that many of us have heard the saying "find what you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life", I've worked many days, since I was a teenager (14 years old to be specific) resulting in an anxiety attack forcing me to retire well before retirement age. I used to question "why did this happen to me?" now I embrace the time I have to write, return to college and fill my days as I choose. Balancing mental health issues is a "job" within itself, managing my hormones, mood and overall well-being all while "making it look easy" is tougher than I ever imagined. Needless to say, it is my life therefore I must continue on the journey I find myself on whether it's tough or less difficult. With each course I take I am recognizing the love I have for writing is growing stronger with each assignment, finding myself anxious for the next module to open and pride in myself when I accomplish the task and receive the grades I am satisfied with.

The thought came to mind, it's crazy to me that we celebrate freedom yet the courts are doing everything they can to strip us of those very freedom's many fought and died for.  I digress. 

Last week I was encouraged to "write a book, please" and rather than the usual feelings of overwhelming anxiety to my surprise I felt a bit inspired. I thought of a semi-autobiographical book beginning with the first expression I made "public", titled "How Did I Get Here?". The thought that overwhelms me is, that expression speaks about a place in my life where I made changes to my lifestyle and found happiness; which isn't what overwhelms me, what does is the fact that the "story" isn't over. I haven't reached a level of success to share, so once I tell how I got here (as of 2012) what do I fill the remaining chapters with? The struggles of the past 10+ years with anxiety disorder, depression and bipolar disorder? Although I have not experienced the trauma of hospitalization in quite a few years, navigating through daily life brings upon it's on struggles as those things (anxiety disorder, depression and bipolar disorder) aren't circumstances a person "overcomes", we manage and maintain balance. 

So, what do I write about? Especially since every person dealing with these issues have unique experiences and although some may relate, perhaps many will not. Which scares me because I'd like to do well as an author; how can that happen with low book sales? Then I wonder, am I "putting the cart before the horse"? Last month there was a surge in readership on this blog as well as the original; which surprised me, I recall saying in an expression (I don't recall which) that I write and share without concerning myself of "how many" readers there are, I share because my words may help someone along their journey, even if that someone is me. I think I should keep that philosophy in mind when thinking about book sales and such. The fulfillment of accomplishing that goal may be satisfaction enough or I may be surprised as I was with last months "stats". 

As night becomes dawn, I am still awake; fireworks are still filling the sky with smoke and I am almost out of words to share. I have an early morning planned yet sleep alludes me, I pray I'll be able to get enough rest to feel able to make my first unscheduled "appointment" which is taking Rocko to the groomer. He had a hell of a day with the noise of the fireworks in addition to eating his little heart out and roaming the backyard. His coat shows he had a lot going on; so I figure I'd give him a "Rocko Appreciation" Day. Since it's rather impromptu I am hoping the groomer will accept us as "walk-ins" and I won't make the hour long drive in vain... I opted out of that plan as he has an appointment scheduled for Saturday and I wouldn't be wasting time, energy and gas driving and possibly not being seen. 

It feels like Monday yet the week is half-way over; I have to replan my day, seeing how my assignments for completed for this week maybe I'll go to the beach. Hmm I believe I already have a beach day planned for the week along with a trip to the farmer's market, I've gone to the beach multiples days in the week before so that isn't unheard of. Often thinking of what else there is to do in the city; however, I have yet to find anything of interest so I haven't done much this Summer. As smoke fills the air I am thinking about next week, which is the day my Dad passed; July 12, 2018... but I'll save that for another expression. I don't know what I plan to do to celebrate his memory, focusing on the time spent and lessons learned from him rather than mourning or grieving. 

I miss my Dad. I am often reminded of some of the last words he spoke to me, letting me know how proud he was of me and I know how encouraging he would be about my writing and book ideas. Although Mother's and Father's Day have long gone, if your parents are still here and you have a relationship with them I encourage you to love on them especially when it's unexpected because you never know when that time will come. I wish I had more time with my Dad, but I have memories that make me smile and photos to reminisce. This expression is a bit all over the place and I think I've ventured off topic, but that's what happens when you allow the fingers to speak what your heart says. Maybe that's why the idea of writing a book right now keeps coming up? Perhaps there's a "story" in my heart that wants to be heard?

Until next time...

purpose and pressure

I've been consumed with my course work, preventing me from having the concentration to tap into myself and find the words to share. I've missed you all... I've been fascinated with the latest strain I've tried, Oreoz; good for anxiety, stress and depression, from my experience. It's been a while since I've been able to be creative and I've missed that aspect of myself. Not even writing in my personal journals, just calendars and course work. I began this expression late February/ early March with rarely the time or thoughts to share. After completing Spring semester I had a thought to write something for "fun". So here we are...

Lately, I've been smoking Cereal Milk and the effects have been as described minus the negatives. I believe it's what's inspired me to write recently; unfortunately, I don't know what to say. So much time has passed without being in a creative space, I seem to have forgotten how to tap into in to it. Seeing how my Summer course began and I passed my Spring courses with "good" grades, I decided to "celebrate" with a drink and some Alien OG. Since I took an impromptu break from my meds the cannabis is helping with my moods, for the most part. However, I do intend to begin the regimen soon; each time I've taken a break I know it's too long when I can pinpoint how the medication keeps me "balanced". 

I've found a new strain called "The Oasis", however I have yet to find any information online to share with you. The effects have been good for anxiety, stress, depression and even has some sprinkles of arousal mixed in. Attempting to find the words to share thoughts of my lover enter my mind, however I don't want to share those details in this expression... As you know, well those of you who have been around for a while and some of you may be learning, I make a conscious effort to write from my heart and let the words flow as they may without much editing and no censoring. Which is why I desire to share something else even if I haven't recognized what that is yet.

Listening to music and smoking, tapping into myself for the words to share; where is the inspiration? I seemed to have lost or forgotten what inspires me these days. I took a moment to read the definition of inspire as well as inspiration and the definition confused me a bit because it was far different than what I've always thought it to mean. I am not inspired, even with taking various courses; although I have a goal in mind I am not totally aiming for that. Initially I began taking courses out of boredom, then I felt challenged by the work which made me want to do my best and get the grades I know I could achieve. Each course being more challenging than the last, I want to see how far I can go even if the degree is not the prize for me. The prize for me is to write books, I know that with the knowledge about writing that I am learning I will be a better writer; the issue is what type of books do I want to write?

I read a lot of self-help and "inspirational" style books, I don't know if that's my lane or if I would like to venture off into fiction. I recall years ago beginning the synopsis of a book I had in mind which would be loosely based on various events I'd experienced. I believe I had a title, then I got overwhelmed with the process of developing the story. To be honest that's another reason I'm taking various English courses; to eventually bring that book or another to life. A moment passes as the last sentence ended and I have a thought about purpose, again. What is the purpose of this unwritten book? Which then takes me to the thought of my purpose, as usual. 

I feel pressure, to create something long lasting, even though I have not discovered what that would be. The pressure isn't coming from within so I've ignored it for as long as I could yet it's coming up again and I am addressing it to an extent. Thoughts of failure comes to mind, I won't go into that in this expression, but I am aware that it is a concept that is mixed in with the pressure I feel to be "successful". A lot of what is considered failure and success comes from one's perspective and priorities, I believe. One person's view on success and failure is relative to another person's thoughts or ideas; although the topic is the same the outlook differs from person to person. 

At times I feel as if I've failed myself for not having written a book yet, realizing I don't have a deadline to do so; I ask myself if that is an excuse? Or perhaps I should give myself a (realistic) deadline? The thing is, I am taking steps to shorten the gap between now and a finished product; by taking courses within my craft to better myself. I have books on "How to Write" and such, but it wasn't until my first few assignments that I learned some new things about writing. Then the question enters my mind and I am a bit perplexed because in all these years I've never asked myself, "why do you write?" then "why do you share what you write?" Which takes me right back to purpose...

It's as if that question is ever-present; what is my purpose? 

I don't expect the answer to come to me in this moment, it would be great if it did; but how do you know when something you do is your purpose in life? I don't recall when I realized I am a "good writer"; what I do know is that it was late in life so I never considered it to be my purpose. I've had journals since around the 9th grade, one of the first began in an English class where apart of our participation was that for the first (approximately) 10 minutes of class we'd all write in our journals and at the end of a specified period of time we'd turn them in and the teacher would read and grade them. The teacher I had was a woman, I don't recall her name, but I do recall her giving me feedback or writing comments about my expressions. However, she didn't outright say "You should become a writer" I feel as if she had maybe I would have recognized it earlier causing the shape of my life to be different. Honestly, had someone in my life during my developmental years took an interest in my gifts, talents and interests rather than consistent criticism who knows the choices I would have made. 

Looking back I feel as if I made the best choices I could with the information I had at those times. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20"; knowing what I know now there are a lot of choices I would have done differently. I don't dwell on those thoughts, rather I look for ways to create opportunities for myself with the idea of becoming the Woman I truly know is within me. The past (nearly) 11 years of my life has been a rollercoaster, even with the blogs there's so much I excluded or gave vague references to what I may have been experiencing. The development of Anxiety Disorder and Depression, then discovering being Bipolar absolutely took me by surprise, especially with the complexity of these conditions. 

The music jumps from genre to genre and I am allowing the vibe to allow the words to flow without censorship, which is what I was hoping would happen when I decided to build upon this expression (which has been in the works for months). I completed my assignment for this week, which leaves me with days to fill with whatever my heart desires. I've gone to the beach twice and spent some time with the Moon, two things I love yet have not made time for lately. I will admit, I feel much better the past few days than I have in months. After getting this far in my writing, I like that I was able to get these thoughts out however, I have get to think of a title; I know it's coming I just have to be patient. 

This expression is much longer than I intended yet after months of nothing I suppose it was inevitable. I would like to take the time to acknowledge the drastic increase in readership this past month, even with nothing recent to report until now. Hello, to all of the newbies who are discovering my words as well as those of you who are familiar with my writing. I hope you all are well and safe while the "pandemic" is "over". Some, like myself are still adjusting to the new normal of it all while others have been outside for a while. As the first week of Summer has begun I am excited for what it has to offer, with beach dates; enjoying the outdoors and all that comes with such...

Until next time

surrounded by clouds

 "you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings."

Elizabeth Gilbert

I feel as if I rushed the completion of the expression prior to this one; it seemed to be a lot, and I had more thoughts coming in so I figured I'd begin again. Pandora is playing many of my favorite songs and the vibe is nice in the atmosphere; as I feel the movements of the retrogrades and direct stations of the planets and their influence on us. In addition to the ending of "Capricorn Season", which is one of my favorites as well. It seemed as if it would rain today, but only in some areas; unfortunately mine was not one of them. 

In the previous expression I mentioned being thankful for my blessings and stumbled upon this quote speaking exactly what my sentiment was when writing earlier. I believe I have now awakened to the opportunities my prayers have manifested, the tarot spread I read weeks ago has stuck with me. I only wish I had documented the reading so I could refer to it in times such as now. The thought of reading a spread now has dawned on me and I realize I need to center myself in order to interpret the cards accurately. 

There's a time of morning when it is believed to be the optimal time for prayer and meditation, between the hours of 4 and 6 o'clock. I recognize it as "sacred time" and try to do those things at that time each day. I now know that I have to actually "participate relentlessly" in manifesting my prayers in anticipation of the blessings to come. I've heard of praying fervently, however I never looked up its meaning until moments ago; now that it has come to my understanding, how could I not embrace it? 

Aside from a couple of things I had to ask myself "where is my passion?" and I have yet to come across the answers. The idea enters my mind to transmute the energy directed to finding my passions, and redirect it to my prayers and meditations. I am often inspired by music, poetry, quotes and such; "island on the Moon" was inspired by a song by Lonnie Liston Smith, titled "island in the sun". The smooth notes of the song sends to me a calmer, more relaxed realm. I feel at peace with myself and my surroundings; deciding to read a tarot spread and meditate on the outcome in a moment. 

My second course; Music Appreciation began and I am happy to dive in and begin completing assignments along with those for my English course. I have plans to visit the beach soon as well as the anticipation of the Full Moon and New Moons. I haven't performed any New or Full Moon "rituals" for quite some time, something I may remedy soon. I began writing today after about a couple of months where I was more focused on other things that took time, energy and attention away from the blog. I feel good while I'm writing; the joint I smoked moments ago is beginning to "kick in" and I am feeling the happy, tingly effects mentioned on Leafly regarding the strain Frosted Cherry Cookies. 

A lot of time has passed since I began this expression and so much has happened, however that's a story for another time. I have yet to read the tarot, but I did read my horoscope for January on Astrology Zone... As mentioned earlier, a lot is going on in my life right now so I have yet to read February's horoscope although March is right next door. In this moment I feel consumed with school work; as if every moment should be spent on assignments, I've made a mental note to dive deep within to discover why that is. 

I've been feeling overwhelmed for quite some time now, I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders to the extent of feeling a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. I know the area is sensitive since the car accident I had in December. Slight back ache, but that is to be expected during this time. Even after acknowledging my obsession with school, I found myself working on an assignment that isn't even open yet. I need a bit of a head start due to mental health issues (anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder). I've been thinking about my mental health lately and recognizing areas in need of my attention; seeing ways I am different since being diagnosed many years ago. 

As usual I've written thus far and have yet to think of a title. There's no music playing, but I have been able to tune it out and focus on what I am doing and intending as I know I am also sending prayers and meditations to the Most High as I am writing. I am paying attention to my anxiety levels and thankfully I have not had many symptoms of depression. I still don't fully understand bipolar disorder, but it seem to be at bay as well. 

Another smoke session and I am beginning for feel relaxed and the anxiety is fluctuating between mid and low. As I took a quick break from writing I discovered a quote by Mary Oliver which says "keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable". I feel as if that goes nicely with the initial quote at the top of this expression, thoughts of my goals, dreams and aspirations fill my heart as I pray for favor, forgiveness and grace. After this expression I intend to meditate of my prayers and await a word from the Lord. 

I smoked two pre-rolls and I feel loose, even with the tension which is confusing, but "it is what it is" as of now. I want to take a moment and acknowledge you all for checking in on me as well as reading the blogs even when I haven't posted in a while. It means a lot when I notice viewership increasing monthly, yearly... and I am delighted to see something I've written helps another or myself as I go back to the words and feelings of when they were written. 

I often ask myself "what is the Moon doing?" then look at my Moon apps and discover her phase, astrological placement as well as some insights of the meaning of those things. I haven't been as dedicated to keeping up with the Moon and astrology. Something I tend to remedy in the near future. A few distractions are on the horizon and I will end things here. I hope you and your loved ones are well.

Until next time...

island on the Moon

“A soul Moon appeared in the path of my heart. How precious is this journey.” 

Rumi

Plans didn't go as expected so I had to pivot, I will say I am happy with my decision. I spent New Year's smoking pre-rolls, eating gummy's and enjoying quality time with loved ones. I've been "elevated" ever since, feeling euphoric with a bit of insightfulness. Recently I was thinking back on my blessings and progress from years past until present times, I remember when I was posting from my phone; I'd write and publish each expression and over time there were those of you reading my words. I am grateful for it, as simple as that may be it feels monumental for me. I believe in recognizing circumstances of adversity and acknowledging the overcoming of them and remaining in a space of gratitude. 

I saw rainbows the past few nights, they were beautiful, visited the beach and I also spent time with the Moon. So many of my favorite things all in a short span of time. The music is playing with a cloud of smoke in the air... As I prepared to interact with society I made sure to balance my chakra's, meditate, pray and such prior to leaving my home. I feel a heightened sense of intuitiveness, finding various tarot spreads crossing my path and finally having the time, space and energy to read a few. The rain is refreshing, especially when I don't have to drive in it. Relaxing at home with Rocko; edibles and the like, enjoying the days as they unfold. 

Reflecting on my beginning as far as my passion for writing and where I find myself today I am thankful for this ability to share my heart with you all and the wonderful feedback received over the years. I began my English course, initially I was intimidated by the workload and my expectation of myself to sustain my current gpa, I completed the first assignment and feel a bit more confident in my ability to do my best and challenge myself to be better. As the thoughts of school begin to affect my current state of being, I decide to read the tarot and meditate of the findings. The cards spoke of change and opportunity, as I take an introspective look; I realize my life is full of change and opportunity these days and I now know I must empower myself to dive in. 

It's time to light more incense while Roy Ayers plays in the background; the breeze from the open window is calming, refreshing and awakening. While several planets are retrograde and stationing direct soon; I can feel the energy of it all, I find myself caught between various states of being. Sade sings and I lose train of the thought I was on, reminding me to stay in the moment; and be free of worry and doubt while focusing on the opportunities that are ahead. 

I feel surrounded by love, so much so that I've decided just now to have a Kamille Appreciation Day; today. I've been indulging in self-care for the past few weeks yet I have not taken a full day to simply pamper myself. As my new age approaches I feel excited for my birthday! To date I have not solidified any plans, but I think I want to keep things low-key and celebrate with Rocko. Last year I had a kind of party and although I enjoyed it, I can not see myself allowing others to "throw" a party each year; especially when it isn't a "milestone" year. 

I think of past times, which aren't much because I've lost many of my memories from my previous lives. I find myself analyzing the tarot spread I finished moments ago and what the cards said in response to my intentions and prayers. What's interesting to me is once I accepted the journey I find myself on life seems ebb and flow as if controlled by the Moon, like the sea. I've returned home from running errands and I am ready to unwind; maybe smoke a joint or take a bite of an edible. I've decided to eat the rest of the edible I have and allow it to take my mind on an adventure within itself. 

I believe that's where the idea of an "island on the Moon" comes in, being high and thinking of many of my favorite things like the beach, islands, the Moon and so forth. Just me, Rocko and some edibles, maybe a joint or two with music of course. Thinking of the tarot spread as well as ideas for my birthday mixed with the music, incense and breeze from my open window... Another day is here and coming to an end, I will admit, I had a great day; full of unexpected happenings. I like days like this, the weather is perfect for cuddling yet it's not too unpleasant when running errands. I've dubbed next week "Kamille Appreciation Week" as it is the week of my birthday Looking around my room I realize I have a few chores in need of my attention; thinking to myself I'll begin once I'm done smoking. 

Sade is playing again and I feel myself in a "jazzy" type mood; the words come to me and I don't quite understand them, my mind seems a bit overloaded with several ideas attempting to form. I feel myself in a space of awareness that has begun since I begun my end of year practices, I am happy to say that I have maintained them throughout the past few weeks and I am noticing the changes in some habits. 

Purple Haze plays and I am reminded of the partial edible I'd partook of earlier this evening and I am delighted! I took a break to make calls and complete the chores I spoke of earlier. Then Minnie Riperton comes on, followed by Al Green; I have Pandora on "shuffle" so it's interesting how the algorithm is working tonight. I will say the vibe is relaxing and a little thought-provoking. The clutter in my mind has come to an end and I am ecstatic about that. It seems like it's been so long since I've shared with you all. I suppose I'll take this time to say (very belated) Happy New Year!

Although my New Year's plans didn't go as expected, I'm happy I was able to pivot and enjoy the festivities. I've had pre-rolls and edibles ever since the Eve of New Years and I have made a conscious effort to remain in this energy for as long as I can. I have an energy clearing coming up and I am excited to experience it. Things have been in alignment for me even during these retrogrades. I believe it's because I've been more consistent with my spiritual practices as well as balancing my chakra's, prayer and meditation. 

Hopefully I'll be able to share again soon, I guess I wanted to get those thoughts out of my head; that way I can move on to the other number of things occupying space in my mind. In the midst of these thoughts I am also curating a show for Moon Goddess Radio this Sunday. I enjoy playing music and creating a playlist that creates a vibe; I'd like to invite you all to listen, simply download the "AMP" app and search "kingkamille3". 

"How precious is the journey"; pondering upon memorable moments throughout my years on this Earth, I can see how and when I began this journey of spirituality and how it has opened my eyes to various wonders of God's creation, not limited to human's, but the Universe and various elements throughout. I feel like registering for an Astronomy course, nevertheless that day will come as it is on my list of courses to complete. Instead I remind myself to focus on the two courses I have scheduled and do my best to receive "good grades". 

For some reason, it has taken weeks to complete this expression and all of the events mentioned have come and gone, including my birthday; which was nice. Not too much happened, but I "celebrated" nonetheless. Now that the gummy I just took is beginning to take effect, I felt the desire to write and complete the thoughts above. Although this expression is longer than I expected I am happy with the outcome, I hope you enjoyed it as well. 

Until next time...

so long 2022

I woke up a few minutes before 3am, I ate another gummy; now I'm awaiting it to "kick in" so I can feel the effects. Soon after eating it I had a thought, "I want to write, but I don't know what to say"' so here I am. As Roy Ayers plays in the background singing about the third eye I feel myself focusing on my own third eye or intuition. I am happy to say I've been better at "listening" to my intuition this year, however there have been some pivotal times when I did not. I am using those instances as "lessons learned". 

I began this expression a few days ago, not knowing what I wanted to share; and honestly I still don't. I feel as if I am one with myself these days, I know that may sound strange; but I feel whole. A feeling I haven't felt in quite sometime; honestly since the diagnosis of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorders. For years, I felt as if I would never feel like "myself" again; and although managing these disorders is a "full time job" I am beginning to see myself as I never have. I am feeling love and loved, first extended to myself and then to others; I also feel it reciprocated. 

I feel my intuition is nearly as strong as it was prior to the trauma which caused the initial anxiety attack back in 2012. I feel stable; with the proper medication, meditation, prayer and other natural remedies. After 10 years I feel as if I have the right concoction to keep me going in a good way. I will admit, I didn't think that was possible when I was first diagnosed due to the language the doctors spoke. Now I have a ton of ways to cope and reduce "triggers"; not that nothing triggers me anymore, I think I just handle them better and make sure I take the necessary "me time" when they are experienced. 

As I am sitting here, the thought to start the New Year reading Sacred Woman, by Queen Afua along with completing the corresponding journal crossed my mind. I believe it's the right time seeing how I purchased the set in 2016. I've tried to begin that journey yet for whatever reason I have not successfully completed it. I believe I feel with my new age approaching this may be the right time. Although I'll be out of town in the New Year; I can begin it on the 3rd day which doesn't take too much time away from a good start. Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel as if I have taken so much time to begin it because I felt it would challenge some of my thoughts and habits; the ones I was not ready to "give up". 

I believe I am now in a space where I can challenge those things about myself and take some necessary steps to living a more holistic lifestyle. I've dabbled in the pescatarian lifestyle some years ago, but fell off and I don't even remember what happened to change that. However, now I feel as if I can give up chicken, beef and turkey and stick to a pescatarian diet. I want to see results in my weight loss journey and I know certain things are hindering that. Maybe I'll transition to vegetarian or vegan in the years to come; I am. open to it.

As a milestone age approaches in a few years I feel like taking some steps to being the woman I envision myself to be, I see myself inching closer to her with each year that passes and I am so proud of myself for not regressing back to the person I was prior to accepting this journey I find myself on. I've always been "spiritual" in a sense, but it's been about 17 years since I really begun learning and growing into spirituality and 10 years since I experienced an "awakening" that changed my life.

I recall being in my room in my first apartment after moving out of my family home and as the music played and incense burned I felt as if I had fallen into a trance and once I "awakened" I was no longer the person I was prior to that experience. My language changed to more positive words and my behavior was more mindful (in my opinion). I began to see areas where I needed to grow or rather mature. I was such a brat in my younger days, realizing how many relationships were stifled because of it. 

I don't dwell on the space I was once in, now I look back and see growth. As I stated earlier in this expression, I feel love; which is a concept that I've taken from scripture which says "love is kind..." I believe I've put forth an effort to be kinder, more patient and loving. I don't recall which year I made that resolution, but I am happy I did and am now seeing the "fruit" of those seeds planted in my heart. 

I can see how those genuine changes have improved several relationships in my life. Some I never thought would be rekindled and others that I knew needed a little more effort on my part, I will say that as I grow I am noticing others around me growing as well. I've also learned which relationships had served their purpose and we no longer for the highest good of anyone involved. Releasing those energies weren't as difficult as I once thought them to be; especially the one which comes to mind. As I reflect on that relationship I say a little prayer that the person I am thinking of stays where they're at and does not choose to disrupt my peace. 

I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I realize I say that a lot; with all the writing I've done thus far titles are usually the trickiest as they do not come easy to me in summing up what I've spoken about. The music is playing from my show on Moon Goddess Radio and I am enjoying the vibes, there's no incense burning, but my cigarette smoke is making me wish I could smoke reefer in my apartment like I used to. The good thing is I have edibles and oil, which comes in handy when neighbors complain about smoke. 

Now I'm in a mood... for lovin'; it may be the songs that I've been playing or simply missing my lovers. I have yet to find a girlfriend, but I'm in no rush for that anymore. After a brief exchange with a woman from online, I've decided to allow that to take the backseat for now. I believe since I've put the energy into the Universe for such to find me I will see where things go in 2023. I believe that's the best approach to that aspect of my life since trying to "find" a girlfriend has seemed to be a bit problematic. 

Anyway... Since this is most likely my last expression of the year I'd like to say I pray you all have a safe and memorable New Year! Let's make 2023 a year of growth, abundance and whatever else comes to your mind/heart as you read that sentiment. 

Love,

Kamille 💗🌟

wrapping up 2022

As I scrolled social media, I stumbled upon a quote which reads: "what if you started loving yourself the way you want them to love you?" and I stopped in my tracks. As I pondered that question I realized I'd asked myself that some years ago; which is when I took a deep dive into self-care and self-love. During that time I felt as if I was giving "love" yet I did not feel it reciprocated. Soon after I read a quote by Rumi, which was," the love you seek is seeking you". I decided to go inward and find more of the love I had to share and began to share it with myself. I believe at that time was when I introduced the idea of "Kamille Appreciation Day", which is a day or a few where I spend time with myself; doing anything I want to do with myself during that time. 

It was during a "Kamille Appreciation Day" when I decided to return to college nearly 20 years after dropping out. I felt more confident in myself and my goals and thought I could "give it a try and see where it goes". I am excited to say I received an "A" in my English; Creative Non-Fiction course! I had so much fun and anxiety during this class as I awaited grades and was pushed outside of my comfort zone to accomplish the desired grade on each assignment. With that said, I am looking forward to the courses I've chosen for the Spring semester and I am hoping to keep up my 4.0 gpa. 

As we enter Capricorn season and the ending/beginning of a year, I feel as if I am in anticipation of what's to come with the New Year and my new age. I've surprised myself so much this year with stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing more into the woman I am becoming. I began asking myself "hard questions" and being totally honest in my answers, resulting in coming to terms with some unacknowledged thoughts and behaviors that are not for my highest good. Going back to college was a big deal for me because my previous experience wasn't exactly the best; with many obstacles causing me to focus on career instead. 

I feel as if I've challenged myself in ways I did not think would be as successful as it's been, I think the surprise came in because somewhere in my subconscious mind I believed I was not "smart enough" or "focused enough" or just "enough" to do well much less accomplish a 4.0 gpa on my first "try" back to school. However with determination and the proper support system, I was able to do just that! 

Today is my third day of partaking in an edible, I choose to buy a couple tins of gummies and just eating one when the mood strikes me. The other day I believe I ate two by mistake; nonetheless I felt Great! I'm sure that's what has inspired me to write after so much time has passed since my last expression before the brief check in recently. The music is playing and the incense is burning; I intend to use a lavender smudge soon to purify my home in preparation for the New Year. That's something I've never been inclined to do until this year.  

I hope you all have a Happy Holiday, or just a wonderful weekend if you choose not to celebrate the holiday's. I hope to share again soon yet as always, time will tell.

Kamille

a quick check in

“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks.”

William Shakespeare

I had a tough couple of weeks; however I was surrounded by love and support which made things a bit "easier" to bare. I began writing something entirely different last week, but decided to delete and begin again. I am not sure what I want to share yet, nonetheless I allowed the above quote to remain. In these moments I realized how grateful and thankful I am to be alive. I am appreciative for God; my family and friends who surrounded me in prayers, well-wishes and those who actually came to spend time with me while I was recovering. 

When we go through things it seems cliche to say how our health, usually physical is something we are grateful for. I will say although I am still in pain, I am grateful for my physical, mental as well as emotional health. I'm sure you all are wondering, "what happened?"; well, I was recently involved in a car accident. I won't go into detail about it, but I survived it and that's what's important to me these days.  

My emotional support animal, Rocko, has been on his job as of late more than ever before. He makes me laugh and smile with his shenanigans, and also cuddles with me when it's nap time; which is more often then before...

I began this expression nearly two weeks ago, I haven't been inspired to say anything more than the above so I'll leave it as is; in a space of gratitude and thankfulness. As we enjoy the holiday season and New Year I pray that we take each moment as it is and appreciate all that we have. Not speaking about gifts and "things", but peace of mind, health, family, friends, etc.

Happy Holidays!

 

the weed made me say it

 "observe the wonders as they occur around you. don't claim them. feel the artistry moving through, and be silent"

Rumi

Days ago I stumbled upon a journal prompt which read "How am I feeling about life at the moment?"; I later revisited the above quote, for a moment I was silent, pondering the quote and the question. I feel as if I have written this before on the blog, however, currently I am enjoying life; I feel as if various areas are in a "good place". When I think of those "various areas", I am thinking mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

I feel so many wonders around me, I attribute them to being blessings therefore can not claim them as my own. I see and feel the artistry moving throughout my being and into the atmosphere, putting me in a space of awe in admiration of God's creations. From the views at the beach to the beautiful Sunsets and various phases of the Moon. 

The music plays and I recall a time when I wanted to learn to play the violin, I have yet to begin that journey. However, I am considering if that is something I really want to try. My latest hobby has been painting; I want to dive a little deeper down that path at the moment. I feel free when I paint, as if I am in another creative space so different from writing. Although I have various spaces to write my thoughts, such as the blogs, twitter, my creative writing journal, etc. I feel different when writing on each outlet. 

As I sit remembering the week that has passed, I smile; thinking of all of the wonderful things that's happened to me and those around me.  I am also reminded of not so good news, I pray that there is peace and some sort of reassurance for the circumstances...

I realize the end of the year is quickly approaching and a new age is on the horizon, I am excited for the new year! I feel as if I've said that for the past few years and each year has been a bit better than the one before. This year I allowed friends and family to celebrate my birthday with me, next year I have plans with friends; some things I've wanted to do for quite some time. The anticipation created excites me, like a child counting down until Christmas. 

As my course is coming to an end with a few weeks break until the next courses begin, I feel excited. I know I've used that word several times in such a short period of time, "excited"; but I don't know how else I'd like to describe how I'm feelings at the moment about these things. It's taken a couple of days to write this and I have yet to think of a title, to be honest I don't even know where this expression is going from here; however as usual I am going to allow my fingers and heart to do the typing and see what comes.

Usually I speak about what I feel as opposed to what I"m thinking, tonight I am not sure if that's going to be any different. I am in a mood, this playlist from a previous radio show I curated is adding "fuel to the fire". I feel as if I want to be touched in a way that makes me feel delighted and wanted, I want to be outside, under the Moonlight with a joint and relax under the stars before a beautiful sexual encounter takes place. I've been in this mood for too long and I don't know when it will end. I feel as if I am yearning for that type of closeness. 

I think my chakras are a bit imbalanced; specifically my Sacral chakra. "according to some traditions, the sacral chakra is linked to pleasure, sexuality and joy", I feel as if this chakra may be blocked because of feelings of anxiety and loneliness according to the article. I want balance yet I feel a bit insatiable at the moment, like I'll have an encounter, but it won't be "enough".  Then I ask myself, "what is enough?" 

I am reminded of the last session with my lover where I climaxed a total of five (5) times! I want to go into detail, but I won't. I'll just say, it was amazing! Yet, that feels like an understatement. What's better than "amazing"? I think of that day often, it arouses me each time it comes to mind. That may have been one of our best times together, there's too many to put into a "top 5", but I'm sure that's in the "top 10" for sure! 

How did we get here? I suppose all the talk of what's exciting me actually got me "excited", the music playing isn't helping since it's from a "hump day" show on Moon Goddess Radio. I will admit I enjoy having people in my life that I can express my sexuality with, all that's missing is a girlfriend. I posted on my twitter the other day, "I'm tired of swiping left... I want a girlfriend already!" I meant that, I think I'm ready to have a woman in my life that I can express the other desires I have that only a woman can fulfill. I've experienced what I'm longing for before and it was beautiful. 

Thoughts of my first experiences with women come to mind, but that's a story for another time. What I will say is, from my experiences, my relationships with women have been much more sensual than with men and I miss that. The caresses, gentle touches, kisses; everything is just so much closer to making love than anything else and I want that. I feel like that's what's missing when I think about how I'm feeling about life at the moment. I have passion with my lover, but I want more than that in this moment. 

I want to have the passion and sensuality at the same time, imagining my lover the both of us has my thoughts racing. Feeling my body respond to the thoughts has me wanting to experience the sensations of it all right now! Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it sounds or I imagine it to be. It turns me on to think of... never mind. 

I feel as if I'm making matters worse by writing these things; especially since some of them are out of my control. Not to mention the time it will take to cultivate such a relationship with a woman that I'll feel comfortable being intimate with and introducing her to my lover for a session, or two. Perhaps, as I am writing these things the Universe will put things in place in the new year to make it a reality...

Here's hoping.

Rumi seems to say "be silent" a lot; another quote that comes to mind says "be quiet. find acquaintances with silence. go inside, delve into your heart. take a day off from the clamor."; in my heart there is no doubt that I can manifest my desires. The noise or clamor are the thoughts of how difficult it would be or if it would be as fantastic as my fantasy makes me think it will be.

The fantasy takes place at a swinger's club, I feel as if I would be more comfortable rather than my home or some type of hotel. I feel as if the inhibitions would be at the proper level and I would feel free to explore the evening without worrying about anything that would normally cause me to overthink the adventure. I think that's what I want, an adventure. I'm yearning for something and I feel as if this latest fantasy is what I want. However, I am not sure if I want the woman to be a stranger; I'd feel more comfortable if there were some type of "relationship" in place prior to this happening.

Now I wish my lover were here, yet he's unavailable and I am consumed with thoughts of our encounters; like, the other day in an empty parking lot. The thought "any time, any place" comes to mind as Janet Jackson sings the words in her song of the same title. Or in a park, as I drive though the city I can come across various parks where we've made memories and I smile; in silence as I relive those moments briefly. 

Alien OG has an effect on me; I typically smoke sativa or a hybrid, it's said to have "euphoric" side effects. I feel as if the euphoria has ignited levels of arousal and I am without an outlet to release these urges. Soon, yet soon is not soon enough. This mood has been lingering for about a week now and I feel as if I am going to explode. The song plays and I am entranced with thoughts of love making; wanting, needing to be fulfilled. My body is talking and I'm listening, awaiting the moment I can give her what she longs for; until then I'll just write about it from time to time.

dark as a thousand midnights

His skin is dark as a thousand midnights, chocolate and smooth like velvet. His mind is sharp with quick wit and great imagination; he keeps me wanting to know more with each encounter. When our bodies are intertwined, it's like a thousand midnights; I can't find my way out, and honestly I never want to. 

He kissed my forehead and I melted, wanting the kisses in more places; sensual and kind then messy and intense as they explore my body lower and lower. I can't deny the love I feel when he's near me; I feel like giving him all of me and watching him savor the memory we are making.

There's years of memories in my mind, creating flashbacks at any given moment. Like, the time he made my body explode five (5) times in one session; that was the most recent memory that comes to mind often. With him I want to go to the edge of the Earth and back again; as long as I he is with me. 

I feel like a teenager in love, before the heartbreaks and heartaches; before any jadedness caused by love's lost. There's a hopefulness that enables me to enjoy a playful side of myself that is rarely shown in any other atmosphere. He awakened a space in me years ago where I can experiment in a way that feels safe, secure and free of judgement. 

I am learning to dwell in that space when we are together, although it hasn't come as easy as I would like it to; I feel it expanding with each interlude. The quality of time spent far outweighs the quantity of minutes, hours, days apart; it's as if time lapses and the world is still for as long as we are together.

I am in love. 

I don't know the moment he engulfed my heart, but thoughts of him consume me; filling me up and overflowing with immense desire. The desire to be touched by him, to look deeply into his eyes and hear him say "everything is okay". 

The feeling of safety creates an appetite for spontaneity, passion and the yearning to discard all inhibitions. I feel free; to say and do whatever comes to mind in those moments, "any time, any place" comes to mind. Leaving the bedroom from time to time and enjoying one another in the Sunlight or under the stars.

The idea of being together in obscure places, maybe being seen by passersby or even being heard excites me; he invades my dreams and takes me with so much passion I awake thinking it was reality. At times I rush to sleep just for another rendezvous, laying in bed, watching videos we've shared with one another or staring at photos sent.

Longing for the next time we'll see each other, counting the minutes until he is in my presence; like a lovestruck person in need of what he has for me.

mermaid

While at the beach I took a relaxing nap, allowing the energy from the ocean and the Sun to cleanse my being and provide "grounding"; as I embraced the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. As I awakened, I felt refreshed; I feel so "at home" at the beach. The waves call out to me as if to say "come home", it's the mermaid in me that makes me feel that way. I had thoughts of my lover being there with me, on the lifeguard tower. I believe that thought comes to mind each time I visit the beach. Thoughts of him caressing my skin while looking into my eyes and saying "everything is okay", Although I've known him for quite some time, I am learning to be comfortable around him again; I know it's because I fear being vulnerable with him. 

In the past I used to want to seem perfect to him, now I am more myself; and I feel as if things between he and I are better than they've ever been. Yet, I still have the issue of not necessarily wanting to allow anyone too close to me; I suppose for fear that they'll see my flaws up close. I used to be such a perfectionist, then I taught myself to decide "what is enough?". I realized that being "perfect" was an illusion and to attempt to force myself to be perfect was not only unrealistic, but detrimental to my well-being. Since doing so I feel much more in tune with myself; my wants, needs and desires. I feel as if they are all attainable, whereas before learning that lesson, I felt everything was "out of my reach". Even the goals I'd set for myself, I'd become a workaholic trying to accomplish them to no avail. 

Mainly, I thought the goals I had set for myself were unattainable, yet they were such that society programs you to desire. It wasn't until I let go of societies demands that I began to feel more myself. I experienced an "awakening" approximately July 4, 2012; to use terms from spirituality, I felt as if "a veil had lifted" and I was able to "see" clearly. If memory serves me correctly I was participating in a cleanse at the time. As I type these words, "Closer" by Goapele plays softly in the background and I am reminded of my dreams; I have a thought to go to bed so I can meet my dreams, then realize I can do that awake. Daydreaming has always been a practice I enjoy, having the idea that my thoughts are creating the reality I dream of. Feelings of hopefulness invade my being and I smile. The song changed, but the energy remains; feeling joyful and happy. 

A feeling that's been consistent for quite some time now, being a spiritual person doesn't necessarily mean you're happy or even positive all of the time. That's also something I had to learn, however I realize that there is always something to be happy about and when I find myself being not so positive, I tap into my thoughts and find the source of the thought(s) in order to redirect it, or them. There's a home I'd love to purchase when I win the Powerball, I reviewed the photos again recently to keep it in my subconscious mind. When I am asleep and lucid dream, I imagine myself there, at home. I see how I'd spend the day and walk throughout the home and smoke by the pool or while relaxing in the jacuzzi. 

I love the water, you name it: bath, pool, jacuzzi and/or ocean; not only for the tranquil properties experienced there, but always because I feel like I belong there. I love mermaids, I think the idea of them are so beautiful; I've painted one, and I believe that is my favorite painting I've done. I want to invest in painting supplies, but I often forget until I am in a mood, such as the one I am in now where I want to be creative in a way that is something other than writing. Speaking of writing, I know it's been a while since I last posted an expression on the blog; mainly because I've been so focused on the English course I am in. I realize although I am not working that doesn't diminish the "type A personality" that comes natural to me. However, I don't experience the same level of perfectionism as I used to, allowing the anxiety to flow through me when it arrives and transmute into eagerness, creating a more positive experience when completing assignments.

My next assignment is an author presentation and I must record a video; I will admit, I am nervous. I prefer to be "behind the scenes", however I am forced out of my comfort zone; which is something I expected when registering for this course. I did not know how much out of said comfort zone I would be required to go, but so far I have done well with it. Experiencing anxiety from time to time, but the great thing is I have the time between assignments to allow the anxiety to pass and complete what's due. I don't feel rushed which would increase the level of anxiety I have and possibly cause a bout of depression. I feel centered within myself these days, allowing feelings and emotions to come up and show me areas within myself that may need attention or mindfulness. 

Now back to my presentation, I had a thought to write it out and see what comes; that way if it's good I can read it as if it were a teleprompter. My idea is to record it at the beach, with the ocean as the background; luckily the rain set for the day in which I intended to "shoot" my video is no longer on the forecast. As I sit here I can envision myself speaking the words as I sit on a blanket at the beach while the Sun is at its height of the day. I plan to smoke a joint or two to get me in the right vibe to be personable and enthusiastic. Two traits I don't display openly for some reason, I believe it's back to the issue of vulnerability. As defined, vulnerability is "willingness to show emotion or to allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known: willingness to risk being emotionally hurt". When the concept came to mind before it was often accompanied by Murphy's Law which states "everything that can go wrong, will". Then I discovered the reverse (literally), which is Yhprum's Law which says "everything that can go right, will".

I'm beginning to look at vulnerability a bit different, because the latter part about being willing to risk being hurt emotionally and thinking that it will was quite pessimistic and depressing; but the thought that showing emotions and allowing "weaknesses" to be known and things going right can put things in a alternate perspective thus creating a totally different reality. Since beginning that practice of thinking of or saying yhprum's law simply changes the vibration from fear of something going wrong to more positive outcomes in times of vulnerability, for me. The thought comes to mind that I should practice that concept with my lover as well and not just with things such as goals, dreams, hopes and desires. I've begun reciting yhprum's law in my mind as I think of how to do my presentation video; I believe the weather will be nice and my words will flow nicely no matter how many times I'll need to record and re-record.

Being in the flow of things or should I say, being in alignment is beneficial because things seem to come together effortlessly, although other's aren't privy to the effort it actually took to accomplish whatever it is being done. I would love to transcend what seems to be a slight inability to be vulnerable in more areas of my life. I suddenly feel as if being that way no longer serves the highest good of myself or those in my life. This video presentation opened the door to these thoughts, since it requires a level of vulnerability on my part as I am recording myself speaking on a topic I know a little about. Not wanting to show any weakness that will affect the grade I receive, as "petty" as that may seem; yet monumental for a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, workaholic and type A personality. 

"In A Sentimental Mood" by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane plays and I am reminded of the refreshing nap I took at the beach recently. I slept for what may have been two (2) hours, fast forward to today; it's my friend's birthday yet he is no longer here to celebrate. He would have been 49 years old today. In the past I would be sad today because of that, but today I am happy to have known him for the years that he was apart of my life. It's truly a treasure to have such friends, where the conversations, feelings and experiences shared are life changing and lasts throughout the years whether they are still around or not. In the time I was away from the blog I also celebrated my Dad's birthday, he would have been 62 years old. I remembered conversations, jokes, dinner's and the like that we shared and smiled or laughed and continued to do so throughout the month of October. I even attended four (4) parties that month, quite far from my comfort zone as I am known to be a "homebody". 

I think to light an incense and allow it to mix with the music and creative energy I feel to take me back to my daydreams. My lover comes to mind again, these aren't daydreams though; more like fantasies. It's nearly 1:30 am and I am no closer to sleep than had it been 1:30 pm; feeling rested from the nap I took yesterday afternoon. I was told recently, for the second time this year that I "lack substance", which I find interesting because I consider myself to dwell in the deep; perhaps I keep some of that to myself however I feel that I share some of that with you. Which was mentioned as well, the sentiment was that I'd "rather share such things with strangers". When I give those statements a bit of thought I asked myself "is that also a vulnerability issue?"; at first glance, I don't think it is because sharing thoughts would not be an emotional risk, or would it?

I suppose it could be a risk if I became emotional regarding the response or reaction to what I choose to share. As I take a chug of water, I realize that may need a little more thought in order to process the idea of sharing thoughts and vulnerability. I don't know where or how I developed this fear, I just know that it is coming up now in order to be attended to and transmuted in a way that is for my highest good. As 2:00 am approaches and I have no idea how this expression will conclude I suppose I'll just say, to be continued...

Until next time,

Kamille

a month in the making

I've gone to the beach four (4) times in three (3) days, all of which were magical; especially because I spent time with the Moon while there. I also had a couple of cannabis infused beverages while relaxing at the beach, I love watching the surfer's; but they haven't been out as much as they were earlier in the Summer. It's already September! The time seemed to fly by, especially once I registered for college. I believe I'm already in week four (4); beginning one of the more challenging assignments that I truly do not feel like doing, at least the main part of it. It seems so tedious and I am not in the mood, however in addition to the three (3) units I want for this class I have a goal of getting an "A" as well; so I must do it and give it my best, that is when I feel more in the mood.

So my Grammie turned ninety (90) years old the other day, I went out of town to visit with her since she's so close. I also have plans with another relative who lives in said town. I'm very much a "homebody', however times like this requires me to get out of my comfort zone. I've always been an introvert, but with the pandemic I've grown fonder of being home or with family. I actually went to the mall recently, but I went straight to the stores I went to visit and came back out. That was a lot for me, seeing how I rarely go to such public places these days. Being around crowds gives me such anxiety I tend to shy away from them. 

I completed my assignment and I feel good about what I shared. I was also able to spend time with the Moon, which was Full and as beautiful as ever. It rained recently, I love the rain; well, when I don't have to drive in it for a long distance. The music is playing, however I ran out of my favorite vanilla incense. I forget the name of the store that I purchased them from, I just know it by memory when I visit a particular mall in a nearby city. I intend to go to that part of town soon so I plan to remember to pick some up. I haven't been to those stores since my tarot reader began working for himself.

Not only did I complete the assignment for this week, I completed next week's assignment as well. So now I have nothing to do, which I dislike; because I know it's a man made construct, but I feel like I should be "doing" something; yet I have nothing to "do". I'm just "being" and that's how it's "supposed" to be in the spiritual aspect of who we are. I don't know if I'm not used to it or if it makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps a combination of the two? I thought taking a class would occupy more of my time, but unfortunately it doesn't. I won't complain about that because I know I will have more to do next semester. I've gotten "A"s on all of my graded assignments thus far and my professor says I'm a "strong writer" and that she is looking forward to reading my next submission; of course that made my day!

When I attempted to attend college after high school I was ill prepared, I also faced various challenges that made it difficult to give it my all. Resulting in getting a job and working without thinking about going back; that is until 2015, however with anxiety and such I panicked when I was informed I'd have to attend in person rather than online as originally planned. So again, I dropped my classes and went on with life; until extreme boredom gave me the thought to try again recently. It just so happened that I got the idea a week before classes started, I was able to get the majority of my business handled prior to my first day of my course. The astronomy course begins next month and I am excited to learn about stars and galaxies! I've always been fascinated by the Universe so getting to know more about it and the course counts towards my transfer credit is a bonus. 

I've been writing this expression for nearly a month, I want it to be complete so I can publish; but I don't know where it's going or even have a title as of yet. As I sit in bed, listening to music I felt compelled to write something, I just don't know what that is; so as usual I'll allow my fingers the room to flourish and see what comes...

I'm a week ahead with my assignments for the course I am taking and as stated earlier, excited for my astronomy course beginning in a few weeks. I've been basking in the success of my school life a lot because another area has been falling short; my "love life" has been a bit disappointing lately. I've asked myself "what energy am I exuding to attract disappointing outcomes?" and the answer came from a book I flip through on occasion, "The Energy of Emotions" by Emily Maroutian; where it speaks of the pessimists, where the writer suggests that doubt, disappointment and skepticism are all a form of the same energy. I've been skeptical of my lover; not in a sense of "is he being honest?", but more so if our plans will go as stated and there's always been a bit of doubt while anticipating the date. Then when something "comes up" I feel as if I were "prepared" for it to happen that way. Which was the energy I was attempting (poorly) to avoid. Although we can not control the circumstances of another we can control ourselves. The doubt or skepticism of wondering if I'll see him on said day and time leaves room for "comfort" when it doesn't happen. The idea is that perhaps subconsciously the seed of doubt comes in and makes peace with the situation so when disappointment comes I feel as if "I knew this would happen this way".

To be optimistic regarding our plans seems "too" hopeful; while the possibility of them not taking place seems more "realistic". Which is partly why I've experienced said outcomes; because it's all the same energy; doubt, disappointment, etc. From what I understand the author to have said is that being in the energy of doubt leaves room for disappointment to come in and not "shake things up" because "I knew it!" It's all manifestation in the end, the doubt manifests disappointment; the same with worry and such. They say "worry is like praying for an outcome you don't want." In analyzing my love life I must recognize the energy I bring to the table and ask myself if I am in some way sabotaging myself. As a Capricorn Sun (astrology) it is said that we are "born pessimists" and I find that to be somewhat true, it's as if "we" are always looking for "the other shoe to drop"; especially if/when things are going well. 

When I am anticipating seeing him I begin to have such anxiety; like yesterday, I vomited and had to take a probiotic to "settle" my stomach. The pressure I felt to perform was a bit too much at the time and I believe subconsciously I was hoping to find a way out of it. Although I truly wanted to spend time with him I was feeling a little insecure and fearful, sometimes I think the more time he spends with me the more he'll realize something about me that he doesn't like. We don't have those conversations, honestly I don't have this conversation with anyone it's just coming out as my fingers express the thoughts of my heart. I fear he'll leave me or maybe he doesn't really want to see me for some reason. That's when skepticism comes in and says "other things are more important than our time together". As I typed those words I realize I don't believe that to be true, I don't even know where that comes from, maybe fear or insecurity? 

However I do recognize that I do not wish to feel this way any longer, doubtful, anxiety filled and disappointed. Friday, I was in a bad mood; because our plans failed. Saturday, I saw the effort, but again something came up. I was mad for a moment then came understanding; I feel as if anxiety, fear and doubt manifested the outcome which would keep me in my comfort zone. Today I realize a conversation should be had, but for now I don't have the words to say. While on my end I am going to improve upon this doubt and worry that seems to be sabotaging what I really want. I am glad this came up during the New Moon as it is said to be an introspective time and represents new beginnings as well as a time to set clear intentions and such. I feel as if today is a new day and everything before now is in the past, not in a sense that it doesn't matter, but more like a chance for a fresh start with more clarity and understanding. My desire is for things to work out for the both of us and I am willing to reevaluate my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how these things are working together to bring forth the results of the past few months.

I took a moment to find my thought and what came to me is, "do I really want to be happy?"; then "do I feel I deserve to be happy?" and if so, why am I subconsciously doing things that create unhappiness? Where does that come from? What limiting beliefs do I have concerning relationships that create such anxiety and doubt? How do I discover and overcome those beliefs? My friends think I need to meet another lover, my response is "I need another lover like I need a hole in my head". After dealing with my "man friend" I've discovered I don't want to "see what's out there"; at least not at this time. Aside from spending more time with my lover, I am happy with my situation and adding another will only complicate that. I feel as if I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to entertain another man and his personality right now. I want to get things on the right track with my lover and enjoy him and only him. 

The question comes to mind, "what does my heart desire?" and as I ponder the thought I am immediately reminded of the interaction with my lover a few years back; where we spent enough quality time together and how felt as if nothing was lacking. Many years has passed since then as well as a change of circumstances, but I feel as if we can get to a space similar to that because we were there before. After four (4) years apart we have grown so I don't expect things to be the same as they once were, but I do know that we are learning one another and the people we have become. That doesn't magically happen within a few months, it takes time and communication. I've learned from this weekend areas where I am manifesting outcomes I do not wish to experience and calling it reality; when it doesn't have to be this way. It can be as beautiful as I envision it to be and that will take some effort on my part, I don't feel as if I have been doing the minimum, but I do know I can improve on a few things when it comes to communication such as avoiding the difficult conversations and only being one or two aspects of myself. 

I have some questions to answer for myself and intentions to set in alignment with the life I desire. I feel as if I've made the first step with going back to college and putting forth my best effort in the course I'm taking. Deciding to pursue a degree has been the biggest commitment I've made in a very long time. As the music plays and I take a few sips of my cannabis infused coffee, I feel a bit free; realizing the major revelation discovered through writing this expression. As sacred time begins I pray for family, friends as well as family of friend; hoping for peace and happiness. I feel delighted to start the day and feel the effects of my concoction! I also pray for the words to express to my lover; a friend told me of a time when he experienced a similar situation where he was on the "offending" end and the offended party made him "feel like shit", that is not my goal or intention. My desired outcome is clarity, understanding and better communication moving forward. 

I think it's time I come to terms with and be honest about the relationship I truly want. A family member feels as if I am "settling", however did not fully express in what ways, yet she asked "do you want another twenty (20) years of the same thing?". When I reminisce, I am reminded of the years where we were on and I can't fully remember when we fell off at times other than when I was seeking something from another and shifted focus; I imagine he had times of the same. That is why I don't wish to go back into the dating pool, I don't want to shift my focus, I want to invest in this relationship and see what possibilities are to come. While I was upset on Friday, I thought "perhaps I should give him space to reevaluate his situation" but that will just be giving up on what we could have. I believe that is the outcome anxiety, doubt and skepticism is expecting; throwing in the towel at the first instance of things not going "my way". Something that I've done too many times in this life, letting go of what I want out of fear that I'll lose it anyway. 

I have a thought to chug my coffee since it's cooled off considerably in order to expedite the effects of the cannabis oil, but from experience micro-dosing is best. Self improvement is something that is really important to me, I feel as if this situation is teaching me an area where I need to evolve, I've outgrown the defense mechanisms of the past; seeing how the ones associated with relationships have not panned out the way I envisioned them. As we enter the last quarter of the year and my new age is quickly approaching I feel as if it's time to take that leap. A deep dive into my feelings, pulling out what I've been afraid to face when it comes to romance; I consider myself a "hopeful romantic" yet I often shy away from saying and doing things that would "prove" that to be true. I must ask myself, "where are areas in my mind that circumvent a healthy romantic relationship?" and "how can I release these limiting beliefs?". I know that I want to love and be loved, at times however I don't always know what that looks like. 

I've been awake for hours, wishing I could text him and say the things my heart feels, but it's too early. I wish he were here and I was in his arms, looking deeply into his eyes. Wanting to feel wanted, he does that very well; making me feel as if he wants me in the same ways that I want him. I know he means it, I know him to be an honest person, saying what he means and being straight forward so I don't question that. It's the part that anxiety toys with, especially since realizing my "man friend" is a liar; anxiety and doubt tries to generalize to have me believe I'm being lied to. That it's a game to make me feel "stupid" for loving and/or trusting someone. I know that is a fear, but what I didn't know is that I felt that way; until I just typed it. As I await daylight, I feel better than I did when I began writing this expression; I feel as if a lot of insight was discovered. I intend to write in my creative journal detailing my intentions for my love life; I am not completely certain why that is the topic of the day, but here we are.

The expression "sometimes you break my heart" comes to mind, as I read the words shared I was reminded of the years my heart was broken because he was no longer a part of my life. I recall yearning for him, wishing he'd text and end the void of the space he once filled. I didn't share on this blog from October 2017 until May 2019, partly due to whatever circumstances I was facing at the time in addition to the beginning of our time away from one another. The good thing about that period of time is that I actually reevaluated myself and after the many years of sharing on the blogs I knew where I needed to heal. Although I did not know what that looked like, I was determined to prepare myself to receive and accept love. As expressed in the first post after the hiatus, "out of hibernation"; the thing about healing is, it is a constant occurrence. There is always some aspect of ourselves in need of healing, no matter how minor or significant. Today, through writing I learned areas within me which require some love, energy, prayer and mindfulness. I intend to have an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day" focusing on my inner child and what she may be able to enlighten me to. 

This expression is longer than I knew it would be and a title has yet to come to me. As I take another sip of my lukewarm coffee, I am reminded that we are in Mercury Retrograde in addition to Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Saturn, Uranus and Chiron! Not using astrology as an "excuse" for the events of the current weekend, but to put things into perspective for myself, I believe astrology adds insight to enlightenment and awakenings. I find it interesting that I was able to express myself in this way during a Full Moon and cover the concepts I've shared regarding healing and areas in need of attention while Chiron (the wounded healer) is retrograde. The level of care and concern I want to extend is something I've never gave much thought, I'm typically mindful as well as thoughtful; however this time I feel as if I want to be deliberate and honest. I do not want to be reactionary, I understand that is for the highest good of no one and will only cause miscommunication while Mercury is retrograde. 

I visited with my psychic recently and had a very in-depth conversation, the tarot spread gave me information confirming many of my thoughts, feelings and prayers as well as insight into decisions I am contemplating. I believe it was perfect timing with the energy cleanse I participated in nearly two (2) weeks ago, along with the retrogrades and New Moon. As I mentioned in "on course", I have made a conscious effort to be more engaged in my spiritual practices; I am happy to say I am seeing things align. I had a thought about manifestation and low vibrations, I'm beginning to understand that lower energy may be "easier" to accept than to believe "far fetched" things, whatever those things may be. It takes a lot of faith, trust, honesty and energy to manifest things you subconsciously believe you may not "deserve". I feel at times society conditions us from a young age to "expect the worst" rather than the optimistic notion that "everything is always working out for us". I'm constantly reminding myself of the later, everything is always working out for me! Now that I am aware of what's creating fear and anxiety I can tell myself that "all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

I feel as if this expression could be divided into two parts, but I don't want to separate the train of thoughts. The music is paused for the moment, I am basking in the joys of this morning; feeling euphoric! I haven't finished my coffee, at this point I am pacing myself because I feel the effects strongly. I had an errand, but decided to push it off until a later date, today is "Kamille Appreciation Day" so I'll be spending it indulging in self-care. I've been awake since nearly 1:30 am, I figure I'll take a nap in an hour or two once I figure out a title for what I've shared. In this moment I feel tuned into the energy of gratitude, my goal is to build upon that energy spending the day in thankfulness and love...

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend, taking the necessary time for self-care, prayer, meditation and such. Until next time.