surrounded by clouds

 "you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings."

Elizabeth Gilbert

I feel as if I rushed the completion of the expression prior to this one; it seemed to be a lot, and I had more thoughts coming in so I figured I'd begin again. Pandora is playing many of my favorite songs and the vibe is nice in the atmosphere; as I feel the movements of the retrogrades and direct stations of the planets and their influence on us. In addition to the ending of "Capricorn Season", which is one of my favorites as well. It seemed as if it would rain today, but only in some areas; unfortunately mine was not one of them. 

In the previous expression I mentioned being thankful for my blessings and stumbled upon this quote speaking exactly what my sentiment was when writing earlier. I believe I have now awakened to the opportunities my prayers have manifested, the tarot spread I read weeks ago has stuck with me. I only wish I had documented the reading so I could refer to it in times such as now. The thought of reading a spread now has dawned on me and I realize I need to center myself in order to interpret the cards accurately. 

There's a time of morning when it is believed to be the optimal time for prayer and meditation, between the hours of 4 and 6 o'clock. I recognize it as "sacred time" and try to do those things at that time each day. I now know that I have to actually "participate relentlessly" in manifesting my prayers in anticipation of the blessings to come. I've heard of praying fervently, however I never looked up its meaning until moments ago; now that it has come to my understanding, how could I not embrace it? 

Aside from a couple of things I had to ask myself "where is my passion?" and I have yet to come across the answers. The idea enters my mind to transmute the energy directed to finding my passions, and redirect it to my prayers and meditations. I am often inspired by music, poetry, quotes and such; "island on the Moon" was inspired by a song by Lonnie Liston Smith, titled "island in the sun". The smooth notes of the song sends to me a calmer, more relaxed realm. I feel at peace with myself and my surroundings; deciding to read a tarot spread and meditate on the outcome in a moment. 

My second course; Music Appreciation began and I am happy to dive in and begin completing assignments along with those for my English course. I have plans to visit the beach soon as well as the anticipation of the Full Moon and New Moons. I haven't performed any New or Full Moon "rituals" for quite some time, something I may remedy soon. I began writing today after about a couple of months where I was more focused on other things that took time, energy and attention away from the blog. I feel good while I'm writing; the joint I smoked moments ago is beginning to "kick in" and I am feeling the happy, tingly effects mentioned on Leafly regarding the strain Frosted Cherry Cookies. 

A lot of time has passed since I began this expression and so much has happened, however that's a story for another time. I have yet to read the tarot, but I did read my horoscope for January on Astrology Zone... As mentioned earlier, a lot is going on in my life right now so I have yet to read February's horoscope although March is right next door. In this moment I feel consumed with school work; as if every moment should be spent on assignments, I've made a mental note to dive deep within to discover why that is. 

I've been feeling overwhelmed for quite some time now, I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders to the extent of feeling a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. I know the area is sensitive since the car accident I had in December. Slight back ache, but that is to be expected during this time. Even after acknowledging my obsession with school, I found myself working on an assignment that isn't even open yet. I need a bit of a head start due to mental health issues (anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder). I've been thinking about my mental health lately and recognizing areas in need of my attention; seeing ways I am different since being diagnosed many years ago. 

As usual I've written thus far and have yet to think of a title. There's no music playing, but I have been able to tune it out and focus on what I am doing and intending as I know I am also sending prayers and meditations to the Most High as I am writing. I am paying attention to my anxiety levels and thankfully I have not had many symptoms of depression. I still don't fully understand bipolar disorder, but it seem to be at bay as well. 

Another smoke session and I am beginning for feel relaxed and the anxiety is fluctuating between mid and low. As I took a quick break from writing I discovered a quote by Mary Oliver which says "keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable". I feel as if that goes nicely with the initial quote at the top of this expression, thoughts of my goals, dreams and aspirations fill my heart as I pray for favor, forgiveness and grace. After this expression I intend to meditate of my prayers and await a word from the Lord. 

I smoked two pre-rolls and I feel loose, even with the tension which is confusing, but "it is what it is" as of now. I want to take a moment and acknowledge you all for checking in on me as well as reading the blogs even when I haven't posted in a while. It means a lot when I notice viewership increasing monthly, yearly... and I am delighted to see something I've written helps another or myself as I go back to the words and feelings of when they were written. 

I often ask myself "what is the Moon doing?" then look at my Moon apps and discover her phase, astrological placement as well as some insights of the meaning of those things. I haven't been as dedicated to keeping up with the Moon and astrology. Something I tend to remedy in the near future. A few distractions are on the horizon and I will end things here. I hope you and your loved ones are well.

Until next time...

island on the Moon

“A soul Moon appeared in the path of my heart. How precious is this journey.” 

Rumi

Plans didn't go as expected so I had to pivot, I will say I am happy with my decision. I spent New Year's smoking pre-rolls, eating gummy's and enjoying quality time with loved ones. I've been "elevated" ever since, feeling euphoric with a bit of insightfulness. Recently I was thinking back on my blessings and progress from years past until present times, I remember when I was posting from my phone; I'd write and publish each expression and over time there were those of you reading my words. I am grateful for it, as simple as that may be it feels monumental for me. I believe in recognizing circumstances of adversity and acknowledging the overcoming of them and remaining in a space of gratitude. 

I saw rainbows the past few nights, they were beautiful, visited the beach and I also spent time with the Moon. So many of my favorite things all in a short span of time. The music is playing with a cloud of smoke in the air... As I prepared to interact with society I made sure to balance my chakra's, meditate, pray and such prior to leaving my home. I feel a heightened sense of intuitiveness, finding various tarot spreads crossing my path and finally having the time, space and energy to read a few. The rain is refreshing, especially when I don't have to drive in it. Relaxing at home with Rocko; edibles and the like, enjoying the days as they unfold. 

Reflecting on my beginning as far as my passion for writing and where I find myself today I am thankful for this ability to share my heart with you all and the wonderful feedback received over the years. I began my English course, initially I was intimidated by the workload and my expectation of myself to sustain my current gpa, I completed the first assignment and feel a bit more confident in my ability to do my best and challenge myself to be better. As the thoughts of school begin to affect my current state of being, I decide to read the tarot and meditate of the findings. The cards spoke of change and opportunity, as I take an introspective look; I realize my life is full of change and opportunity these days and I now know I must empower myself to dive in. 

It's time to light more incense while Roy Ayers plays in the background; the breeze from the open window is calming, refreshing and awakening. While several planets are retrograde and stationing direct soon; I can feel the energy of it all, I find myself caught between various states of being. Sade sings and I lose train of the thought I was on, reminding me to stay in the moment; and be free of worry and doubt while focusing on the opportunities that are ahead. 

I feel surrounded by love, so much so that I've decided just now to have a Kamille Appreciation Day; today. I've been indulging in self-care for the past few weeks yet I have not taken a full day to simply pamper myself. As my new age approaches I feel excited for my birthday! To date I have not solidified any plans, but I think I want to keep things low-key and celebrate with Rocko. Last year I had a kind of party and although I enjoyed it, I can not see myself allowing others to "throw" a party each year; especially when it isn't a "milestone" year. 

I think of past times, which aren't much because I've lost many of my memories from my previous lives. I find myself analyzing the tarot spread I finished moments ago and what the cards said in response to my intentions and prayers. What's interesting to me is once I accepted the journey I find myself on life seems ebb and flow as if controlled by the Moon, like the sea. I've returned home from running errands and I am ready to unwind; maybe smoke a joint or take a bite of an edible. I've decided to eat the rest of the edible I have and allow it to take my mind on an adventure within itself. 

I believe that's where the idea of an "island on the Moon" comes in, being high and thinking of many of my favorite things like the beach, islands, the Moon and so forth. Just me, Rocko and some edibles, maybe a joint or two with music of course. Thinking of the tarot spread as well as ideas for my birthday mixed with the music, incense and breeze from my open window... Another day is here and coming to an end, I will admit, I had a great day; full of unexpected happenings. I like days like this, the weather is perfect for cuddling yet it's not too unpleasant when running errands. I've dubbed next week "Kamille Appreciation Week" as it is the week of my birthday Looking around my room I realize I have a few chores in need of my attention; thinking to myself I'll begin once I'm done smoking. 

Sade is playing again and I feel myself in a "jazzy" type mood; the words come to me and I don't quite understand them, my mind seems a bit overloaded with several ideas attempting to form. I feel myself in a space of awareness that has begun since I begun my end of year practices, I am happy to say that I have maintained them throughout the past few weeks and I am noticing the changes in some habits. 

Purple Haze plays and I am reminded of the partial edible I'd partook of earlier this evening and I am delighted! I took a break to make calls and complete the chores I spoke of earlier. Then Minnie Riperton comes on, followed by Al Green; I have Pandora on "shuffle" so it's interesting how the algorithm is working tonight. I will say the vibe is relaxing and a little thought-provoking. The clutter in my mind has come to an end and I am ecstatic about that. It seems like it's been so long since I've shared with you all. I suppose I'll take this time to say (very belated) Happy New Year!

Although my New Year's plans didn't go as expected, I'm happy I was able to pivot and enjoy the festivities. I've had pre-rolls and edibles ever since the Eve of New Years and I have made a conscious effort to remain in this energy for as long as I can. I have an energy clearing coming up and I am excited to experience it. Things have been in alignment for me even during these retrogrades. I believe it's because I've been more consistent with my spiritual practices as well as balancing my chakra's, prayer and meditation. 

Hopefully I'll be able to share again soon, I guess I wanted to get those thoughts out of my head; that way I can move on to the other number of things occupying space in my mind. In the midst of these thoughts I am also curating a show for Moon Goddess Radio this Sunday. I enjoy playing music and creating a playlist that creates a vibe; I'd like to invite you all to listen, simply download the "AMP" app and search "kingkamille3". 

"How precious is the journey"; pondering upon memorable moments throughout my years on this Earth, I can see how and when I began this journey of spirituality and how it has opened my eyes to various wonders of God's creation, not limited to human's, but the Universe and various elements throughout. I feel like registering for an Astronomy course, nevertheless that day will come as it is on my list of courses to complete. Instead I remind myself to focus on the two courses I have scheduled and do my best to receive "good grades". 

For some reason, it has taken weeks to complete this expression and all of the events mentioned have come and gone, including my birthday; which was nice. Not too much happened, but I "celebrated" nonetheless. Now that the gummy I just took is beginning to take effect, I felt the desire to write and complete the thoughts above. Although this expression is longer than I expected I am happy with the outcome, I hope you enjoyed it as well. 

Until next time...

so long 2022

I woke up a few minutes before 3am, I ate another gummy; now I'm awaiting it to "kick in" so I can feel the effects. Soon after eating it I had a thought, "I want to write, but I don't know what to say"' so here I am. As Roy Ayers plays in the background singing about the third eye I feel myself focusing on my own third eye or intuition. I am happy to say I've been better at "listening" to my intuition this year, however there have been some pivotal times when I did not. I am using those instances as "lessons learned". 

I began this expression a few days ago, not knowing what I wanted to share; and honestly I still don't. I feel as if I am one with myself these days, I know that may sound strange; but I feel whole. A feeling I haven't felt in quite sometime; honestly since the diagnosis of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorders. For years, I felt as if I would never feel like "myself" again; and although managing these disorders is a "full time job" I am beginning to see myself as I never have. I am feeling love and loved, first extended to myself and then to others; I also feel it reciprocated. 

I feel my intuition is nearly as strong as it was prior to the trauma which caused the initial anxiety attack back in 2012. I feel stable; with the proper medication, meditation, prayer and other natural remedies. After 10 years I feel as if I have the right concoction to keep me going in a good way. I will admit, I didn't think that was possible when I was first diagnosed due to the language the doctors spoke. Now I have a ton of ways to cope and reduce "triggers"; not that nothing triggers me anymore, I think I just handle them better and make sure I take the necessary "me time" when they are experienced. 

As I am sitting here, the thought to start the New Year reading Sacred Woman, by Queen Afua along with completing the corresponding journal crossed my mind. I believe it's the right time seeing how I purchased the set in 2016. I've tried to begin that journey yet for whatever reason I have not successfully completed it. I believe I feel with my new age approaching this may be the right time. Although I'll be out of town in the New Year; I can begin it on the 3rd day which doesn't take too much time away from a good start. Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel as if I have taken so much time to begin it because I felt it would challenge some of my thoughts and habits; the ones I was not ready to "give up". 

I believe I am now in a space where I can challenge those things about myself and take some necessary steps to living a more holistic lifestyle. I've dabbled in the pescatarian lifestyle some years ago, but fell off and I don't even remember what happened to change that. However, now I feel as if I can give up chicken, beef and turkey and stick to a pescatarian diet. I want to see results in my weight loss journey and I know certain things are hindering that. Maybe I'll transition to vegetarian or vegan in the years to come; I am. open to it.

As a milestone age approaches in a few years I feel like taking some steps to being the woman I envision myself to be, I see myself inching closer to her with each year that passes and I am so proud of myself for not regressing back to the person I was prior to accepting this journey I find myself on. I've always been "spiritual" in a sense, but it's been about 17 years since I really begun learning and growing into spirituality and 10 years since I experienced an "awakening" that changed my life.

I recall being in my room in my first apartment after moving out of my family home and as the music played and incense burned I felt as if I had fallen into a trance and once I "awakened" I was no longer the person I was prior to that experience. My language changed to more positive words and my behavior was more mindful (in my opinion). I began to see areas where I needed to grow or rather mature. I was such a brat in my younger days, realizing how many relationships were stifled because of it. 

I don't dwell on the space I was once in, now I look back and see growth. As I stated earlier in this expression, I feel love; which is a concept that I've taken from scripture which says "love is kind..." I believe I've put forth an effort to be kinder, more patient and loving. I don't recall which year I made that resolution, but I am happy I did and am now seeing the "fruit" of those seeds planted in my heart. 

I can see how those genuine changes have improved several relationships in my life. Some I never thought would be rekindled and others that I knew needed a little more effort on my part, I will say that as I grow I am noticing others around me growing as well. I've also learned which relationships had served their purpose and we no longer for the highest good of anyone involved. Releasing those energies weren't as difficult as I once thought them to be; especially the one which comes to mind. As I reflect on that relationship I say a little prayer that the person I am thinking of stays where they're at and does not choose to disrupt my peace. 

I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I realize I say that a lot; with all the writing I've done thus far titles are usually the trickiest as they do not come easy to me in summing up what I've spoken about. The music is playing from my show on Moon Goddess Radio and I am enjoying the vibes, there's no incense burning, but my cigarette smoke is making me wish I could smoke reefer in my apartment like I used to. The good thing is I have edibles and oil, which comes in handy when neighbors complain about smoke. 

Now I'm in a mood... for lovin'; it may be the songs that I've been playing or simply missing my lovers. I have yet to find a girlfriend, but I'm in no rush for that anymore. After a brief exchange with a woman from online, I've decided to allow that to take the backseat for now. I believe since I've put the energy into the Universe for such to find me I will see where things go in 2023. I believe that's the best approach to that aspect of my life since trying to "find" a girlfriend has seemed to be a bit problematic. 

Anyway... Since this is most likely my last expression of the year I'd like to say I pray you all have a safe and memorable New Year! Let's make 2023 a year of growth, abundance and whatever else comes to your mind/heart as you read that sentiment. 

Love,

Kamille 💗🌟

wrapping up 2022

As I scrolled social media, I stumbled upon a quote which reads: "what if you started loving yourself the way you want them to love you?" and I stopped in my tracks. As I pondered that question I realized I'd asked myself that some years ago; which is when I took a deep dive into self-care and self-love. During that time I felt as if I was giving "love" yet I did not feel it reciprocated. Soon after I read a quote by Rumi, which was," the love you seek is seeking you". I decided to go inward and find more of the love I had to share and began to share it with myself. I believe at that time was when I introduced the idea of "Kamille Appreciation Day", which is a day or a few where I spend time with myself; doing anything I want to do with myself during that time. 

It was during a "Kamille Appreciation Day" when I decided to return to college nearly 20 years after dropping out. I felt more confident in myself and my goals and thought I could "give it a try and see where it goes". I am excited to say I received an "A" in my English; Creative Non-Fiction course! I had so much fun and anxiety during this class as I awaited grades and was pushed outside of my comfort zone to accomplish the desired grade on each assignment. With that said, I am looking forward to the courses I've chosen for the Spring semester and I am hoping to keep up my 4.0 gpa. 

As we enter Capricorn season and the ending/beginning of a year, I feel as if I am in anticipation of what's to come with the New Year and my new age. I've surprised myself so much this year with stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing more into the woman I am becoming. I began asking myself "hard questions" and being totally honest in my answers, resulting in coming to terms with some unacknowledged thoughts and behaviors that are not for my highest good. Going back to college was a big deal for me because my previous experience wasn't exactly the best; with many obstacles causing me to focus on career instead. 

I feel as if I've challenged myself in ways I did not think would be as successful as it's been, I think the surprise came in because somewhere in my subconscious mind I believed I was not "smart enough" or "focused enough" or just "enough" to do well much less accomplish a 4.0 gpa on my first "try" back to school. However with determination and the proper support system, I was able to do just that! 

Today is my third day of partaking in an edible, I choose to buy a couple tins of gummies and just eating one when the mood strikes me. The other day I believe I ate two by mistake; nonetheless I felt Great! I'm sure that's what has inspired me to write after so much time has passed since my last expression before the brief check in recently. The music is playing and the incense is burning; I intend to use a lavender smudge soon to purify my home in preparation for the New Year. That's something I've never been inclined to do until this year.  

I hope you all have a Happy Holiday, or just a wonderful weekend if you choose not to celebrate the holiday's. I hope to share again soon yet as always, time will tell.

Kamille

a quick check in

“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks.”

William Shakespeare

I had a tough couple of weeks; however I was surrounded by love and support which made things a bit "easier" to bare. I began writing something entirely different last week, but decided to delete and begin again. I am not sure what I want to share yet, nonetheless I allowed the above quote to remain. In these moments I realized how grateful and thankful I am to be alive. I am appreciative for God; my family and friends who surrounded me in prayers, well-wishes and those who actually came to spend time with me while I was recovering. 

When we go through things it seems cliche to say how our health, usually physical is something we are grateful for. I will say although I am still in pain, I am grateful for my physical, mental as well as emotional health. I'm sure you all are wondering, "what happened?"; well, I was recently involved in a car accident. I won't go into detail about it, but I survived it and that's what's important to me these days.  

My emotional support animal, Rocko, has been on his job as of late more than ever before. He makes me laugh and smile with his shenanigans, and also cuddles with me when it's nap time; which is more often then before...

I began this expression nearly two weeks ago, I haven't been inspired to say anything more than the above so I'll leave it as is; in a space of gratitude and thankfulness. As we enjoy the holiday season and New Year I pray that we take each moment as it is and appreciate all that we have. Not speaking about gifts and "things", but peace of mind, health, family, friends, etc.

Happy Holidays!

 

the weed made me say it

 "observe the wonders as they occur around you. don't claim them. feel the artistry moving through, and be silent"

Rumi

Days ago I stumbled upon a journal prompt which read "How am I feeling about life at the moment?"; I later revisited the above quote, for a moment I was silent, pondering the quote and the question. I feel as if I have written this before on the blog, however, currently I am enjoying life; I feel as if various areas are in a "good place". When I think of those "various areas", I am thinking mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

I feel so many wonders around me, I attribute them to being blessings therefore can not claim them as my own. I see and feel the artistry moving throughout my being and into the atmosphere, putting me in a space of awe in admiration of God's creations. From the views at the beach to the beautiful Sunsets and various phases of the Moon. 

The music plays and I recall a time when I wanted to learn to play the violin, I have yet to begin that journey. However, I am considering if that is something I really want to try. My latest hobby has been painting; I want to dive a little deeper down that path at the moment. I feel free when I paint, as if I am in another creative space so different from writing. Although I have various spaces to write my thoughts, such as the blogs, twitter, my creative writing journal, etc. I feel different when writing on each outlet. 

As I sit remembering the week that has passed, I smile; thinking of all of the wonderful things that's happened to me and those around me.  I am also reminded of not so good news, I pray that there is peace and some sort of reassurance for the circumstances...

I realize the end of the year is quickly approaching and a new age is on the horizon, I am excited for the new year! I feel as if I've said that for the past few years and each year has been a bit better than the one before. This year I allowed friends and family to celebrate my birthday with me, next year I have plans with friends; some things I've wanted to do for quite some time. The anticipation created excites me, like a child counting down until Christmas. 

As my course is coming to an end with a few weeks break until the next courses begin, I feel excited. I know I've used that word several times in such a short period of time, "excited"; but I don't know how else I'd like to describe how I'm feelings at the moment about these things. It's taken a couple of days to write this and I have yet to think of a title, to be honest I don't even know where this expression is going from here; however as usual I am going to allow my fingers and heart to do the typing and see what comes.

Usually I speak about what I feel as opposed to what I"m thinking, tonight I am not sure if that's going to be any different. I am in a mood, this playlist from a previous radio show I curated is adding "fuel to the fire". I feel as if I want to be touched in a way that makes me feel delighted and wanted, I want to be outside, under the Moonlight with a joint and relax under the stars before a beautiful sexual encounter takes place. I've been in this mood for too long and I don't know when it will end. I feel as if I am yearning for that type of closeness. 

I think my chakras are a bit imbalanced; specifically my Sacral chakra. "according to some traditions, the sacral chakra is linked to pleasure, sexuality and joy", I feel as if this chakra may be blocked because of feelings of anxiety and loneliness according to the article. I want balance yet I feel a bit insatiable at the moment, like I'll have an encounter, but it won't be "enough".  Then I ask myself, "what is enough?" 

I am reminded of the last session with my lover where I climaxed a total of five (5) times! I want to go into detail, but I won't. I'll just say, it was amazing! Yet, that feels like an understatement. What's better than "amazing"? I think of that day often, it arouses me each time it comes to mind. That may have been one of our best times together, there's too many to put into a "top 5", but I'm sure that's in the "top 10" for sure! 

How did we get here? I suppose all the talk of what's exciting me actually got me "excited", the music playing isn't helping since it's from a "hump day" show on Moon Goddess Radio. I will admit I enjoy having people in my life that I can express my sexuality with, all that's missing is a girlfriend. I posted on my twitter the other day, "I'm tired of swiping left... I want a girlfriend already!" I meant that, I think I'm ready to have a woman in my life that I can express the other desires I have that only a woman can fulfill. I've experienced what I'm longing for before and it was beautiful. 

Thoughts of my first experiences with women come to mind, but that's a story for another time. What I will say is, from my experiences, my relationships with women have been much more sensual than with men and I miss that. The caresses, gentle touches, kisses; everything is just so much closer to making love than anything else and I want that. I feel like that's what's missing when I think about how I'm feeling about life at the moment. I have passion with my lover, but I want more than that in this moment. 

I want to have the passion and sensuality at the same time, imagining my lover the both of us has my thoughts racing. Feeling my body respond to the thoughts has me wanting to experience the sensations of it all right now! Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it sounds or I imagine it to be. It turns me on to think of... never mind. 

I feel as if I'm making matters worse by writing these things; especially since some of them are out of my control. Not to mention the time it will take to cultivate such a relationship with a woman that I'll feel comfortable being intimate with and introducing her to my lover for a session, or two. Perhaps, as I am writing these things the Universe will put things in place in the new year to make it a reality...

Here's hoping.

Rumi seems to say "be silent" a lot; another quote that comes to mind says "be quiet. find acquaintances with silence. go inside, delve into your heart. take a day off from the clamor."; in my heart there is no doubt that I can manifest my desires. The noise or clamor are the thoughts of how difficult it would be or if it would be as fantastic as my fantasy makes me think it will be.

The fantasy takes place at a swinger's club, I feel as if I would be more comfortable rather than my home or some type of hotel. I feel as if the inhibitions would be at the proper level and I would feel free to explore the evening without worrying about anything that would normally cause me to overthink the adventure. I think that's what I want, an adventure. I'm yearning for something and I feel as if this latest fantasy is what I want. However, I am not sure if I want the woman to be a stranger; I'd feel more comfortable if there were some type of "relationship" in place prior to this happening.

Now I wish my lover were here, yet he's unavailable and I am consumed with thoughts of our encounters; like, the other day in an empty parking lot. The thought "any time, any place" comes to mind as Janet Jackson sings the words in her song of the same title. Or in a park, as I drive though the city I can come across various parks where we've made memories and I smile; in silence as I relive those moments briefly. 

Alien OG has an effect on me; I typically smoke sativa or a hybrid, it's said to have "euphoric" side effects. I feel as if the euphoria has ignited levels of arousal and I am without an outlet to release these urges. Soon, yet soon is not soon enough. This mood has been lingering for about a week now and I feel as if I am going to explode. The song plays and I am entranced with thoughts of love making; wanting, needing to be fulfilled. My body is talking and I'm listening, awaiting the moment I can give her what she longs for; until then I'll just write about it from time to time.

dark as a thousand midnights

His skin is dark as a thousand midnights, chocolate and smooth like velvet. His mind is sharp with quick wit and great imagination; he keeps me wanting to know more with each encounter. When our bodies are intertwined, it's like a thousand midnights; I can't find my way out, and honestly I never want to. 

He kissed my forehead and I melted, wanting the kisses in more places; sensual and kind then messy and intense as they explore my body lower and lower. I can't deny the love I feel when he's near me; I feel like giving him all of me and watching him savor the memory we are making.

There's years of memories in my mind, creating flashbacks at any given moment. Like, the time he made my body explode five (5) times in one session; that was the most recent memory that comes to mind often. With him I want to go to the edge of the Earth and back again; as long as I he is with me. 

I feel like a teenager in love, before the heartbreaks and heartaches; before any jadedness caused by love's lost. There's a hopefulness that enables me to enjoy a playful side of myself that is rarely shown in any other atmosphere. He awakened a space in me years ago where I can experiment in a way that feels safe, secure and free of judgement. 

I am learning to dwell in that space when we are together, although it hasn't come as easy as I would like it to; I feel it expanding with each interlude. The quality of time spent far outweighs the quantity of minutes, hours, days apart; it's as if time lapses and the world is still for as long as we are together.

I am in love. 

I don't know the moment he engulfed my heart, but thoughts of him consume me; filling me up and overflowing with immense desire. The desire to be touched by him, to look deeply into his eyes and hear him say "everything is okay". 

The feeling of safety creates an appetite for spontaneity, passion and the yearning to discard all inhibitions. I feel free; to say and do whatever comes to mind in those moments, "any time, any place" comes to mind. Leaving the bedroom from time to time and enjoying one another in the Sunlight or under the stars.

The idea of being together in obscure places, maybe being seen by passersby or even being heard excites me; he invades my dreams and takes me with so much passion I awake thinking it was reality. At times I rush to sleep just for another rendezvous, laying in bed, watching videos we've shared with one another or staring at photos sent.

Longing for the next time we'll see each other, counting the minutes until he is in my presence; like a lovestruck person in need of what he has for me.

mermaid

While at the beach I took a relaxing nap, allowing the energy from the ocean and the Sun to cleanse my being and provide "grounding"; as I embraced the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. As I awakened, I felt refreshed; I feel so "at home" at the beach. The waves call out to me as if to say "come home", it's the mermaid in me that makes me feel that way. I had thoughts of my lover being there with me, on the lifeguard tower. I believe that thought comes to mind each time I visit the beach. Thoughts of him caressing my skin while looking into my eyes and saying "everything is okay", Although I've known him for quite some time, I am learning to be comfortable around him again; I know it's because I fear being vulnerable with him. 

In the past I used to want to seem perfect to him, now I am more myself; and I feel as if things between he and I are better than they've ever been. Yet, I still have the issue of not necessarily wanting to allow anyone too close to me; I suppose for fear that they'll see my flaws up close. I used to be such a perfectionist, then I taught myself to decide "what is enough?". I realized that being "perfect" was an illusion and to attempt to force myself to be perfect was not only unrealistic, but detrimental to my well-being. Since doing so I feel much more in tune with myself; my wants, needs and desires. I feel as if they are all attainable, whereas before learning that lesson, I felt everything was "out of my reach". Even the goals I'd set for myself, I'd become a workaholic trying to accomplish them to no avail. 

Mainly, I thought the goals I had set for myself were unattainable, yet they were such that society programs you to desire. It wasn't until I let go of societies demands that I began to feel more myself. I experienced an "awakening" approximately July 4, 2012; to use terms from spirituality, I felt as if "a veil had lifted" and I was able to "see" clearly. If memory serves me correctly I was participating in a cleanse at the time. As I type these words, "Closer" by Goapele plays softly in the background and I am reminded of my dreams; I have a thought to go to bed so I can meet my dreams, then realize I can do that awake. Daydreaming has always been a practice I enjoy, having the idea that my thoughts are creating the reality I dream of. Feelings of hopefulness invade my being and I smile. The song changed, but the energy remains; feeling joyful and happy. 

A feeling that's been consistent for quite some time now, being a spiritual person doesn't necessarily mean you're happy or even positive all of the time. That's also something I had to learn, however I realize that there is always something to be happy about and when I find myself being not so positive, I tap into my thoughts and find the source of the thought(s) in order to redirect it, or them. There's a home I'd love to purchase when I win the Powerball, I reviewed the photos again recently to keep it in my subconscious mind. When I am asleep and lucid dream, I imagine myself there, at home. I see how I'd spend the day and walk throughout the home and smoke by the pool or while relaxing in the jacuzzi. 

I love the water, you name it: bath, pool, jacuzzi and/or ocean; not only for the tranquil properties experienced there, but always because I feel like I belong there. I love mermaids, I think the idea of them are so beautiful; I've painted one, and I believe that is my favorite painting I've done. I want to invest in painting supplies, but I often forget until I am in a mood, such as the one I am in now where I want to be creative in a way that is something other than writing. Speaking of writing, I know it's been a while since I last posted an expression on the blog; mainly because I've been so focused on the English course I am in. I realize although I am not working that doesn't diminish the "type A personality" that comes natural to me. However, I don't experience the same level of perfectionism as I used to, allowing the anxiety to flow through me when it arrives and transmute into eagerness, creating a more positive experience when completing assignments.

My next assignment is an author presentation and I must record a video; I will admit, I am nervous. I prefer to be "behind the scenes", however I am forced out of my comfort zone; which is something I expected when registering for this course. I did not know how much out of said comfort zone I would be required to go, but so far I have done well with it. Experiencing anxiety from time to time, but the great thing is I have the time between assignments to allow the anxiety to pass and complete what's due. I don't feel rushed which would increase the level of anxiety I have and possibly cause a bout of depression. I feel centered within myself these days, allowing feelings and emotions to come up and show me areas within myself that may need attention or mindfulness. 

Now back to my presentation, I had a thought to write it out and see what comes; that way if it's good I can read it as if it were a teleprompter. My idea is to record it at the beach, with the ocean as the background; luckily the rain set for the day in which I intended to "shoot" my video is no longer on the forecast. As I sit here I can envision myself speaking the words as I sit on a blanket at the beach while the Sun is at its height of the day. I plan to smoke a joint or two to get me in the right vibe to be personable and enthusiastic. Two traits I don't display openly for some reason, I believe it's back to the issue of vulnerability. As defined, vulnerability is "willingness to show emotion or to allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known: willingness to risk being emotionally hurt". When the concept came to mind before it was often accompanied by Murphy's Law which states "everything that can go wrong, will". Then I discovered the reverse (literally), which is Yhprum's Law which says "everything that can go right, will".

I'm beginning to look at vulnerability a bit different, because the latter part about being willing to risk being hurt emotionally and thinking that it will was quite pessimistic and depressing; but the thought that showing emotions and allowing "weaknesses" to be known and things going right can put things in a alternate perspective thus creating a totally different reality. Since beginning that practice of thinking of or saying yhprum's law simply changes the vibration from fear of something going wrong to more positive outcomes in times of vulnerability, for me. The thought comes to mind that I should practice that concept with my lover as well and not just with things such as goals, dreams, hopes and desires. I've begun reciting yhprum's law in my mind as I think of how to do my presentation video; I believe the weather will be nice and my words will flow nicely no matter how many times I'll need to record and re-record.

Being in the flow of things or should I say, being in alignment is beneficial because things seem to come together effortlessly, although other's aren't privy to the effort it actually took to accomplish whatever it is being done. I would love to transcend what seems to be a slight inability to be vulnerable in more areas of my life. I suddenly feel as if being that way no longer serves the highest good of myself or those in my life. This video presentation opened the door to these thoughts, since it requires a level of vulnerability on my part as I am recording myself speaking on a topic I know a little about. Not wanting to show any weakness that will affect the grade I receive, as "petty" as that may seem; yet monumental for a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, workaholic and type A personality. 

"In A Sentimental Mood" by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane plays and I am reminded of the refreshing nap I took at the beach recently. I slept for what may have been two (2) hours, fast forward to today; it's my friend's birthday yet he is no longer here to celebrate. He would have been 49 years old today. In the past I would be sad today because of that, but today I am happy to have known him for the years that he was apart of my life. It's truly a treasure to have such friends, where the conversations, feelings and experiences shared are life changing and lasts throughout the years whether they are still around or not. In the time I was away from the blog I also celebrated my Dad's birthday, he would have been 62 years old. I remembered conversations, jokes, dinner's and the like that we shared and smiled or laughed and continued to do so throughout the month of October. I even attended four (4) parties that month, quite far from my comfort zone as I am known to be a "homebody". 

I think to light an incense and allow it to mix with the music and creative energy I feel to take me back to my daydreams. My lover comes to mind again, these aren't daydreams though; more like fantasies. It's nearly 1:30 am and I am no closer to sleep than had it been 1:30 pm; feeling rested from the nap I took yesterday afternoon. I was told recently, for the second time this year that I "lack substance", which I find interesting because I consider myself to dwell in the deep; perhaps I keep some of that to myself however I feel that I share some of that with you. Which was mentioned as well, the sentiment was that I'd "rather share such things with strangers". When I give those statements a bit of thought I asked myself "is that also a vulnerability issue?"; at first glance, I don't think it is because sharing thoughts would not be an emotional risk, or would it?

I suppose it could be a risk if I became emotional regarding the response or reaction to what I choose to share. As I take a chug of water, I realize that may need a little more thought in order to process the idea of sharing thoughts and vulnerability. I don't know where or how I developed this fear, I just know that it is coming up now in order to be attended to and transmuted in a way that is for my highest good. As 2:00 am approaches and I have no idea how this expression will conclude I suppose I'll just say, to be continued...

Until next time,

Kamille

a month in the making

I've gone to the beach four (4) times in three (3) days, all of which were magical; especially because I spent time with the Moon while there. I also had a couple of cannabis infused beverages while relaxing at the beach, I love watching the surfer's; but they haven't been out as much as they were earlier in the Summer. It's already September! The time seemed to fly by, especially once I registered for college. I believe I'm already in week four (4); beginning one of the more challenging assignments that I truly do not feel like doing, at least the main part of it. It seems so tedious and I am not in the mood, however in addition to the three (3) units I want for this class I have a goal of getting an "A" as well; so I must do it and give it my best, that is when I feel more in the mood.

So my Grammie turned ninety (90) years old the other day, I went out of town to visit with her since she's so close. I also have plans with another relative who lives in said town. I'm very much a "homebody', however times like this requires me to get out of my comfort zone. I've always been an introvert, but with the pandemic I've grown fonder of being home or with family. I actually went to the mall recently, but I went straight to the stores I went to visit and came back out. That was a lot for me, seeing how I rarely go to such public places these days. Being around crowds gives me such anxiety I tend to shy away from them. 

I completed my assignment and I feel good about what I shared. I was also able to spend time with the Moon, which was Full and as beautiful as ever. It rained recently, I love the rain; well, when I don't have to drive in it for a long distance. The music is playing, however I ran out of my favorite vanilla incense. I forget the name of the store that I purchased them from, I just know it by memory when I visit a particular mall in a nearby city. I intend to go to that part of town soon so I plan to remember to pick some up. I haven't been to those stores since my tarot reader began working for himself.

Not only did I complete the assignment for this week, I completed next week's assignment as well. So now I have nothing to do, which I dislike; because I know it's a man made construct, but I feel like I should be "doing" something; yet I have nothing to "do". I'm just "being" and that's how it's "supposed" to be in the spiritual aspect of who we are. I don't know if I'm not used to it or if it makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps a combination of the two? I thought taking a class would occupy more of my time, but unfortunately it doesn't. I won't complain about that because I know I will have more to do next semester. I've gotten "A"s on all of my graded assignments thus far and my professor says I'm a "strong writer" and that she is looking forward to reading my next submission; of course that made my day!

When I attempted to attend college after high school I was ill prepared, I also faced various challenges that made it difficult to give it my all. Resulting in getting a job and working without thinking about going back; that is until 2015, however with anxiety and such I panicked when I was informed I'd have to attend in person rather than online as originally planned. So again, I dropped my classes and went on with life; until extreme boredom gave me the thought to try again recently. It just so happened that I got the idea a week before classes started, I was able to get the majority of my business handled prior to my first day of my course. The astronomy course begins next month and I am excited to learn about stars and galaxies! I've always been fascinated by the Universe so getting to know more about it and the course counts towards my transfer credit is a bonus. 

I've been writing this expression for nearly a month, I want it to be complete so I can publish; but I don't know where it's going or even have a title as of yet. As I sit in bed, listening to music I felt compelled to write something, I just don't know what that is; so as usual I'll allow my fingers the room to flourish and see what comes...

I'm a week ahead with my assignments for the course I am taking and as stated earlier, excited for my astronomy course beginning in a few weeks. I've been basking in the success of my school life a lot because another area has been falling short; my "love life" has been a bit disappointing lately. I've asked myself "what energy am I exuding to attract disappointing outcomes?" and the answer came from a book I flip through on occasion, "The Energy of Emotions" by Emily Maroutian; where it speaks of the pessimists, where the writer suggests that doubt, disappointment and skepticism are all a form of the same energy. I've been skeptical of my lover; not in a sense of "is he being honest?", but more so if our plans will go as stated and there's always been a bit of doubt while anticipating the date. Then when something "comes up" I feel as if I were "prepared" for it to happen that way. Which was the energy I was attempting (poorly) to avoid. Although we can not control the circumstances of another we can control ourselves. The doubt or skepticism of wondering if I'll see him on said day and time leaves room for "comfort" when it doesn't happen. The idea is that perhaps subconsciously the seed of doubt comes in and makes peace with the situation so when disappointment comes I feel as if "I knew this would happen this way".

To be optimistic regarding our plans seems "too" hopeful; while the possibility of them not taking place seems more "realistic". Which is partly why I've experienced said outcomes; because it's all the same energy; doubt, disappointment, etc. From what I understand the author to have said is that being in the energy of doubt leaves room for disappointment to come in and not "shake things up" because "I knew it!" It's all manifestation in the end, the doubt manifests disappointment; the same with worry and such. They say "worry is like praying for an outcome you don't want." In analyzing my love life I must recognize the energy I bring to the table and ask myself if I am in some way sabotaging myself. As a Capricorn Sun (astrology) it is said that we are "born pessimists" and I find that to be somewhat true, it's as if "we" are always looking for "the other shoe to drop"; especially if/when things are going well. 

When I am anticipating seeing him I begin to have such anxiety; like yesterday, I vomited and had to take a probiotic to "settle" my stomach. The pressure I felt to perform was a bit too much at the time and I believe subconsciously I was hoping to find a way out of it. Although I truly wanted to spend time with him I was feeling a little insecure and fearful, sometimes I think the more time he spends with me the more he'll realize something about me that he doesn't like. We don't have those conversations, honestly I don't have this conversation with anyone it's just coming out as my fingers express the thoughts of my heart. I fear he'll leave me or maybe he doesn't really want to see me for some reason. That's when skepticism comes in and says "other things are more important than our time together". As I typed those words I realize I don't believe that to be true, I don't even know where that comes from, maybe fear or insecurity? 

However I do recognize that I do not wish to feel this way any longer, doubtful, anxiety filled and disappointed. Friday, I was in a bad mood; because our plans failed. Saturday, I saw the effort, but again something came up. I was mad for a moment then came understanding; I feel as if anxiety, fear and doubt manifested the outcome which would keep me in my comfort zone. Today I realize a conversation should be had, but for now I don't have the words to say. While on my end I am going to improve upon this doubt and worry that seems to be sabotaging what I really want. I am glad this came up during the New Moon as it is said to be an introspective time and represents new beginnings as well as a time to set clear intentions and such. I feel as if today is a new day and everything before now is in the past, not in a sense that it doesn't matter, but more like a chance for a fresh start with more clarity and understanding. My desire is for things to work out for the both of us and I am willing to reevaluate my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how these things are working together to bring forth the results of the past few months.

I took a moment to find my thought and what came to me is, "do I really want to be happy?"; then "do I feel I deserve to be happy?" and if so, why am I subconsciously doing things that create unhappiness? Where does that come from? What limiting beliefs do I have concerning relationships that create such anxiety and doubt? How do I discover and overcome those beliefs? My friends think I need to meet another lover, my response is "I need another lover like I need a hole in my head". After dealing with my "man friend" I've discovered I don't want to "see what's out there"; at least not at this time. Aside from spending more time with my lover, I am happy with my situation and adding another will only complicate that. I feel as if I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to entertain another man and his personality right now. I want to get things on the right track with my lover and enjoy him and only him. 

The question comes to mind, "what does my heart desire?" and as I ponder the thought I am immediately reminded of the interaction with my lover a few years back; where we spent enough quality time together and how felt as if nothing was lacking. Many years has passed since then as well as a change of circumstances, but I feel as if we can get to a space similar to that because we were there before. After four (4) years apart we have grown so I don't expect things to be the same as they once were, but I do know that we are learning one another and the people we have become. That doesn't magically happen within a few months, it takes time and communication. I've learned from this weekend areas where I am manifesting outcomes I do not wish to experience and calling it reality; when it doesn't have to be this way. It can be as beautiful as I envision it to be and that will take some effort on my part, I don't feel as if I have been doing the minimum, but I do know I can improve on a few things when it comes to communication such as avoiding the difficult conversations and only being one or two aspects of myself. 

I have some questions to answer for myself and intentions to set in alignment with the life I desire. I feel as if I've made the first step with going back to college and putting forth my best effort in the course I'm taking. Deciding to pursue a degree has been the biggest commitment I've made in a very long time. As the music plays and I take a few sips of my cannabis infused coffee, I feel a bit free; realizing the major revelation discovered through writing this expression. As sacred time begins I pray for family, friends as well as family of friend; hoping for peace and happiness. I feel delighted to start the day and feel the effects of my concoction! I also pray for the words to express to my lover; a friend told me of a time when he experienced a similar situation where he was on the "offending" end and the offended party made him "feel like shit", that is not my goal or intention. My desired outcome is clarity, understanding and better communication moving forward. 

I think it's time I come to terms with and be honest about the relationship I truly want. A family member feels as if I am "settling", however did not fully express in what ways, yet she asked "do you want another twenty (20) years of the same thing?". When I reminisce, I am reminded of the years where we were on and I can't fully remember when we fell off at times other than when I was seeking something from another and shifted focus; I imagine he had times of the same. That is why I don't wish to go back into the dating pool, I don't want to shift my focus, I want to invest in this relationship and see what possibilities are to come. While I was upset on Friday, I thought "perhaps I should give him space to reevaluate his situation" but that will just be giving up on what we could have. I believe that is the outcome anxiety, doubt and skepticism is expecting; throwing in the towel at the first instance of things not going "my way". Something that I've done too many times in this life, letting go of what I want out of fear that I'll lose it anyway. 

I have a thought to chug my coffee since it's cooled off considerably in order to expedite the effects of the cannabis oil, but from experience micro-dosing is best. Self improvement is something that is really important to me, I feel as if this situation is teaching me an area where I need to evolve, I've outgrown the defense mechanisms of the past; seeing how the ones associated with relationships have not panned out the way I envisioned them. As we enter the last quarter of the year and my new age is quickly approaching I feel as if it's time to take that leap. A deep dive into my feelings, pulling out what I've been afraid to face when it comes to romance; I consider myself a "hopeful romantic" yet I often shy away from saying and doing things that would "prove" that to be true. I must ask myself, "where are areas in my mind that circumvent a healthy romantic relationship?" and "how can I release these limiting beliefs?". I know that I want to love and be loved, at times however I don't always know what that looks like. 

I've been awake for hours, wishing I could text him and say the things my heart feels, but it's too early. I wish he were here and I was in his arms, looking deeply into his eyes. Wanting to feel wanted, he does that very well; making me feel as if he wants me in the same ways that I want him. I know he means it, I know him to be an honest person, saying what he means and being straight forward so I don't question that. It's the part that anxiety toys with, especially since realizing my "man friend" is a liar; anxiety and doubt tries to generalize to have me believe I'm being lied to. That it's a game to make me feel "stupid" for loving and/or trusting someone. I know that is a fear, but what I didn't know is that I felt that way; until I just typed it. As I await daylight, I feel better than I did when I began writing this expression; I feel as if a lot of insight was discovered. I intend to write in my creative journal detailing my intentions for my love life; I am not completely certain why that is the topic of the day, but here we are.

The expression "sometimes you break my heart" comes to mind, as I read the words shared I was reminded of the years my heart was broken because he was no longer a part of my life. I recall yearning for him, wishing he'd text and end the void of the space he once filled. I didn't share on this blog from October 2017 until May 2019, partly due to whatever circumstances I was facing at the time in addition to the beginning of our time away from one another. The good thing about that period of time is that I actually reevaluated myself and after the many years of sharing on the blogs I knew where I needed to heal. Although I did not know what that looked like, I was determined to prepare myself to receive and accept love. As expressed in the first post after the hiatus, "out of hibernation"; the thing about healing is, it is a constant occurrence. There is always some aspect of ourselves in need of healing, no matter how minor or significant. Today, through writing I learned areas within me which require some love, energy, prayer and mindfulness. I intend to have an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day" focusing on my inner child and what she may be able to enlighten me to. 

This expression is longer than I knew it would be and a title has yet to come to me. As I take another sip of my lukewarm coffee, I am reminded that we are in Mercury Retrograde in addition to Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Saturn, Uranus and Chiron! Not using astrology as an "excuse" for the events of the current weekend, but to put things into perspective for myself, I believe astrology adds insight to enlightenment and awakenings. I find it interesting that I was able to express myself in this way during a Full Moon and cover the concepts I've shared regarding healing and areas in need of attention while Chiron (the wounded healer) is retrograde. The level of care and concern I want to extend is something I've never gave much thought, I'm typically mindful as well as thoughtful; however this time I feel as if I want to be deliberate and honest. I do not want to be reactionary, I understand that is for the highest good of no one and will only cause miscommunication while Mercury is retrograde. 

I visited with my psychic recently and had a very in-depth conversation, the tarot spread gave me information confirming many of my thoughts, feelings and prayers as well as insight into decisions I am contemplating. I believe it was perfect timing with the energy cleanse I participated in nearly two (2) weeks ago, along with the retrogrades and New Moon. As I mentioned in "on course", I have made a conscious effort to be more engaged in my spiritual practices; I am happy to say I am seeing things align. I had a thought about manifestation and low vibrations, I'm beginning to understand that lower energy may be "easier" to accept than to believe "far fetched" things, whatever those things may be. It takes a lot of faith, trust, honesty and energy to manifest things you subconsciously believe you may not "deserve". I feel at times society conditions us from a young age to "expect the worst" rather than the optimistic notion that "everything is always working out for us". I'm constantly reminding myself of the later, everything is always working out for me! Now that I am aware of what's creating fear and anxiety I can tell myself that "all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

I feel as if this expression could be divided into two parts, but I don't want to separate the train of thoughts. The music is paused for the moment, I am basking in the joys of this morning; feeling euphoric! I haven't finished my coffee, at this point I am pacing myself because I feel the effects strongly. I had an errand, but decided to push it off until a later date, today is "Kamille Appreciation Day" so I'll be spending it indulging in self-care. I've been awake since nearly 1:30 am, I figure I'll take a nap in an hour or two once I figure out a title for what I've shared. In this moment I feel tuned into the energy of gratitude, my goal is to build upon that energy spending the day in thankfulness and love...

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend, taking the necessary time for self-care, prayer, meditation and such. Until next time. 

on course

"go beyond your little world and find the grandeur of God's world."

Rumi

So I've completed my first few assignments for my course; creative writing- nonfiction. The class is not what I expected which is great; because I find it challenging; in a good way. It is covering an aspect of writing that I've mentioned when anticipating taking the class; which was finding my voice in my writing. I am looking forward to see the progress once I reach the end of this course. It's interesting how this and the next course I am registered for - astronomy, will overlap and conclude at the end of the year. That is significant to me because of the intentions and affirmations I set for myself during that time.

The end of one year and beginning of another is so refreshing to me as it is a chance to improve upon things and really see what no longer serves us as we go from one space in time to another. Especially seeing how soon after the New Year I'll become a new age! I'm actually excited for this  birthday and I am unsure as to why that is. Seeing how I have yet to make or even begin to think of any plans. I feel myself outgrowing my "little world" and moving towards "the grandeur of God's world"; slowly, but at a good pace.  I hope to have rediscovered the space of the Soul where creativity lives; I've been focusing on tapping into that space more often.  

I read a tarot spread for a friend recently which went well; I've learned in my time away from tarot, to trust my intuition a lot more than I have in the past. I saw that through the reading I was more confident in my interpretation and delivery, it also helped that the cards were accurate for the experience. I intend to do a reading for myself, however I have yet to attract the prompts I resonate with or think of any on my own. I also plan to do the "Monthly Check- In" spread at the beginning of September. I am also participating in a Virgo Reset Cleanse*, scheduled for the seventeenth (17th) and a Mercury Grounding* for the retrograde (approximately September 9th- October 2nd). 

I feel on some level I've been slacking with my spiritual practices and am attempting to improve as I've also been focusing on my mental, emotional, psychical and financial health these days. Much of which is quite time consuming. Making sure to take breaks and mental health days as necessary; I think I'm going to schedule a "Kamille Appreciation Day" very soon; once I review my responsibilities for the remainder of August and the month of September. The year is going by pretty quickly as I think of how we are approaching the last quarter of it. Although I don't celebrate any of the festivities centered around October until December, I am excited for the Autumn/ Fall season just as well. A time for Ugg boots, spiked hot beverages and a light chill in the California air.

As the music plays and times passes by, I am reminded of an errand I have scheduled and I have to decide how much longer I intend to write. I am suddenly reminded of the Full Moon and begin to feel excitement brewing within my being. It's funny how my cycle is sync'd with the Moon; it used to be with the New Moon, now it's often closer to the Full Moon. I read that signifies empowerment for self as well as other women. I feel that; empowered, as if by reclaiming my spiritual practices I am empowering myself with what my Soul needs at this time. 

I had cannabis oil in my coffee and I am still feeling the effects; which I like, since I don't need another dose for some time. I have a little less than an hour to get myself together and get on the road, a drive I am looking forward to. I have a feeling the music will be just right and traffic will be at bay. I have yet to learn the title of this expression, however I am allowing the words to flow through me as we all discover them for the first time. I never draft my expressions, I simply type then edit for grammar and typos then publish. A practice I find to be quite freeing as it is not censored or tailored to a specific narrative.

I'm looking forward to my hair and Rocko's grooming appointments scheduled for this week. Unfortunately, Rocko has to get a haircut, an experience he is less than fond of; however it's necessary. I've dubbed his appointment, "Rocko Appreciation Day"; seeing how he is my emotional support animal and he does so much to keep me in good spirits.  He is such a comedian in his own right; keeping a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. 

As the music changes and I've completed a New Moon tarot spread for myself; the results were positive, encouraging and uplifting. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next; since I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I've decided to continue to write. I'm also attempting to tap into what I'm feeling in the moment and I am a bit "all over the place". I bought a new lipstick and I'm excited to try it on again; initially I didn't think I liked it, but over time I think I'll give it another try! So far, I don't like it. I'm new to the red lip, but of the three (3) shades I have they all seem to be more orange or brown than red. I feel determined to find the perfect shade! In the meantime it'll be lipgloss and mascara for a while. 

I received more grades on assignments submitted and they were all "A's"; that made me happy!  Especially since this is my third attempt at College; my first attempt I became a mother and lost focus, the second time a few years ago, I was plagued with anxiety and couldn't commit to in class courses. This time thankfully the courses I'm registered for are online, I'm almost certain that won't be the case for all of the courses I'll need to transfer with my degree in English, but I am hopeful. That's another area I feel my "little world" expanding; I think I may be open to take classes on campus, maybe next semester or in the near future...

until next time

*visit @mysticxlipstic on twitter for additional information regarding the energy cleanse as well as grounding for Mercury Retrograde

my beautiful nightmare

I remember meeting him; Summer 2003,  we meet online and if memory serves me correctly it took a little while for us to meet in person. I believe we spoke on the phone and texted for weeks, maybe months before we saw one another for the first time. After a few times we spent together I knew he was special. The way he spoke, presented himself and treated me was like boyfriends I'd had in my teenage years. I recall him asking me to be his "girlfriend", at the time I was a brat and upon our first misunderstanding I broke up with him; I realized some time later that move was a mistake on my part. During that time I had unknowingly gotten used to toxic relationships and did not understand how to behave in a "normal" one. To me, at the time he was a fantasy; I felt as if he was "too good to be true" and that he'd hurt me badly if I allowed him in my heart; because that had been my experience over the years with my first two (2) real boyfriends. 

It was a long time after we broke up that we had our first sexual experience together, it was beautiful, passionate and surprising. Mainly because I didn't know what to expect and it was more than simply "fucking", it felt like something more; something I hadn't experienced since I was 17 with the second (2nd) man I ever loved. One night while we were together I said "I hate you" and his reply was "you love me" and stupidly I repeated my statement. I've always regretted that moment, wishing at times that I could go back and relive it; because it was so beautiful and I hadn't realized until years later that I did in fact love him. However as stated above, I was used to toxic relationships and having "hate sex". Before I met him, I was involved with someone who was no good for me; not very loving or caring we just had good sex and at the time that was enough for me. 

So now I'm in a situation with someone who seems to care for me and I am "acting bad", at the time I wasn't interested in love or thinking of any one relationship growing into anything. I only cared about having good sex and my daily life filled with being a mother, work, friends and living "my best life"; at least what I felt that was at a time; before I had matured and learned more about myself and my desires. I had things so mixed up as far as how or what male/female relationships "should" be like. I realized many years later how misguided I had been; I recall he'd use the phrase "making love" and I was so focused on "fucking", my heart had been broken a few times and I had not healed. I realize that now, well, I realized that some time ago when analyzing myself and my previous relationships with men. 

I remember when I really realized that I loved him; we had amazing sex one night, I don't recall how soon after, but I changed his ringtone to "whatever" by Jill Scott; where she says the man she was with had "pulled some tricks out your sleeve last night..." she goes on to say how he "put it down last night..." and how they'd "made powerful love last night...". Unfortunately he heard the ringtone and it was only part of the chorus and not the part that made me set it as such. I don't recall what was said about it, but something was said; this was before the age of smartphones so I couldn't simply open an app and play the full version of the song. So I let the moment pass, again, a moment in time that I regret. Not long after I mentioned being his girlfriend again and he made it clear that he didn't "take me seriously"; I've held on to these memories for nearly twenty (20) years. How foolish I had been concerning him and how he never gave me a second (2nd) chance at something more than a sexual "friendship". 

We've both had other relationships during our time of knowing one another, but somehow we find ourselves back in one of the other's bed. Although it could seem as if all that we share is sex, I feel it's more than that. I remember a time when he'd tell me that I was "perfect" for him and I did not understand fully what he meant by those words; again, years later I began to feel the same, as if he is perfect for me. He is supportive and encouraging; I remember recently telling him that I thought our space apart this last time was because I'd gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me. He then let me know that his disappearance was misunderstood and that he thought I was going through a lot at the time and needed space; which was partially true, I was going through a lot, but I did not want space. I was honestly feeling insecure about my weight and did not want him to see me in a state where I didn't feel "my best".

As I wrote in "you, me and the Moon", the four (4) years we spent apart was extremely difficult for me. I'd have things I'd want to share with "someone" yet had no one to share them with, or I'd want to express the sexual aspect of myself and either have no one to express them with or I'd have a fling which was hardly equal to what he and I shared over the years. I remember I'd be with someone and think of him to "get through it". No one compared to him, as far as his mentality or the sexual power he has over me. I feel safe with him; which is something I haven't felt since my first (1st) boyfriend. For a little backstory, I met my first love when I was fourteen (14) and he was apart of my life until I was about twenty (20) or twenty-one (21); I've written about him before on this blog as well as the other. He passed on, and at that time I believe I said to myself that I'd never love anyone the way I'd loved him. Then two (2) to three (3) years later I meet "the man of my dreams" and I fumble the entire relationship, partly because of feeling I'd never love anyone the same and the other part being the disappointment I'd experienced in relationships prior to meeting him.

I used to be so intimidated by him, on some level thinking I wasn't "good enough" for him; in that I had been treated as if I were ordinary; for lack of a better word. At some point I felt as if he was able to "see" me, the me I had been hiding behind a "tough girl" exterior. Years later I began to refer to him as "my beautiful nightmare", because the idea of loving him was scary to me yet our sexual chemistry leaves me in a trance at times. I felt like he was a fairytale and somehow something would happen to take him away from me, so I thought I'd keep him at arms length to "protect" my heart. Yet my heart was making me feel these things that was so foreign to me at the time; it had been so long since I'd experienced love that I did not recognize when I felt it. After much therapy and various tarot readings I've healed from the loss of my first love as well as my second (2nd) boyfriend, who loved me, but had too much going on in his life for me to continue a relationship with him. Not long after our breakup I ended up pregnant by someone who did not care for me much; again, we just had decent sex and one night the condom slipped off. After those three (3) relationships I thought I was incapable of love or loving someone.

So for the longest time I kept him in a box, my fantasy man; somehow I feel as if my life is better with him in it. Even if there's no title for what we share. I hesitated to publish "you, me and the Moon" because I was afraid that he'd read my words, without knowing what he would think or if he'd mention anything about it; I feel a way about what I've shared thus far, but I've gotten over the fear because these are the words my heart wants to share and seeing how I actually have words to share in the span of a couple of days versus the past month of writer's block I have chosen to put my art ahead of my fear of what's unknown. Before publishing "you, me and the Moon" I conducted a risk assessment with a friend and thought, "what if he doesn't feel the same?" or "what if he does?" and "if I wanted anything in our dynamic to change?" and since I don't quite have answers to those questions I figured I'd pour it on the page allowing myself the space to express what I've been keeping bottled inside for nearly a month of not writing. 

He sparks something within me that I have yet to understand; fully. It feels like the teenage Me who was authentic, carefree and full of love to share. I hold that back though, afraid to be vulnerable with him, still. I think that may be what intimidates me the most, my own fear of being vulnerable. Although I feel a degree of safety with him, I am not always my authentic self; hiding behind my sexual desires and that aspect of who I am. Perhaps on some level still holding him in that box of fantasy, that is something I would like to do away with. Seeing how I have changed in ways yet reverting to the "old" Me when dealing with him in some ways. However he has changed to his betterment over these past four (4) years apart. I've shared that with him, I like the changes I've seen since we've begun speaking again. My hope is that after I've shared these words I am more comfortable being my authentic self with him, allowing him to see more aspects of who I am versus who I at times present myself to be. It's weird because I don't feel as if I am pretending, since the things I share most with him comes from the fantasy part of who I am, however I don't think I share the real aspects of my heart and mind with him; mostly desires. 

At times, I don't feel as if I am "ready" to do that, then I think of what I want right now and as I spoke with my nail technician recently; I don't want a boyfriend in the traditional sense of the term. I feel as if I may have been single "too long" for what my mind says a "girlfriend" is. I feel as if I would like a companion at times while keeping my space, then I question if that is even true. As of right now I don't think I want anything to change, I am happy! Not thinking or even caring if he is in love with me or not, I know that our situation isn't toxic as I used to settle for and to me that's what counts. The thought of pushing the button to publish made me roll my eyes, only because of the fear of who'll read these words yet I am forcing myself to have the courage to do it anyway. I haven't mentioned that I've published anything, only that I have written which is "what's important"; I am afraid, but focused on being brave in this moment. 

Full of love and in a sense ready to express it yet not knowing how. I've felt this way for many years however I have not fully expressed my love for anyone outside of family and friends which of course is a different type of love altogether. I used to think it was infatuation then realizing it was much more than that, I honestly think what we have is "enough" for now. I remember a time when he'd tell me I was "too much" and I'd think to myself how much I was holding back and questioning what enough was. When I mentioned being "too much" recently his words were comforting and allowed me to re-evaluate when and with whom to share "too much" and when not to. I have yet to discover that balance with him, but I feel as if I can be more of my authentic self with him as I have not been over the years. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that even if things remain the same, I am fine with the way things are. I love the ability to share my fantasies and desires with someone who does the same; I love the support and encouragement to "keep writing" and the beautiful, passionate, at times shocking way that we express ourselves in the nude. 

I believe I will make an effort to check myself when I feel as if I am holding back with him. I want to show my wild side as well as my soft side; both of which I've hidden for a very long time. I don't even know how that is possible, then again, when a person continuously practices hiding it may come as second nature. I believe that's who the "old" Me is, the second nature instincts I've developed to keep myself safe from heartbreak which leads to heartache in my opinion. The crazy thing is, even with holding back and hiding aspects of myself I've experienced heartbreak as well as heartache; so it's clear that holding back and hiding is not serving me to my highest good, so why continue? I'm willing to work on that, it comes easy when I allow my fingers to speak for me on the blog rather than in real life where I'm often quiet. I think the other thing I've noticed is my fear of saying the "wrong" things as I have in the past, with two (2) examples above. I intend to do better; not really focused on only saying the "right" things, but speaking what my heart and mind agree on.

I suppose "time will tell", but if you notice me writing more fantasies on this blog than ever before it is because he's giving me things worth writing about. He inspires me, effortlessly, which also intimidates me. At times I feel as if I have misplaced my creativity when he and I aren't speaking or haven't spoken, even if it's a very short period of time. I'm figuring that out as well, as I spoke in "purple clouds" about my chakra's and meditation on my sacral chakra which deals with sexuality and creativity I can see how those two (2) things are intertwined. I feel as if when I am able to express my sexual side I am more creative and able to write from a space that is true to me. Even though I have a fear of publishing these words, creatively I feel as if I must. Thinking of the times I've held back the full story or been vague or even cryptic, I no longer wish to be that way. I want to be descriptive and forthcoming, things I expected from the creative writing class I've registered for. 

My hope is that I'll improve in my expressions and leave you with insight of who I am and some of my experiences throughout the years. I believe this may be the most open I've been on the blog, at least recently; it's liberating. Letting go of fear and embracing my story so to speak. I listen to music a lot and I find it interesting when the songs play describing my thoughts or emotions in that moment, Pandora (music streaming app) does that a lot! This morning is no different, songs of love and lust streaming through the television, reminding me of my feelings and how I am getting better at discerning what and why I may be feeling a way at any given moment. I believe this expression is a step in that direction, being free to express how and why I've comes to love someone and why things may be the way they are in the present and being happy with the way we've come back together as different people in a sense. Allowing what we have to be what it is and simply enjoying what we share with one another. I could go on, but I think I've shared (more than) enough for now.

Until next time...

you, me and the Moon

I've taken an impromptu break from writing in search of inspiration to no avail. I am unsure where the inspiration has gone or when it will return;  in the meantime I enrolled in a creative writing class, which I hope will assist in finding the inspiration necessary to write on a continuous basis. In addition to finding my voice and the courage to speak the things I have been afraid to share. At times I have an uneasiness with writing about things other than my own thoughts and experiences trying not to include others in those expressions. 

I spoke with a friend who suggested I write about a fantasy since my "regular" thoughts have escaped me. The truth is, I have thoughts to write however I have been scared to share them; because the thoughts are of him and I haven't expressed them verbally to him. So the idea of writing them in public makes me anxious and nervous to express them, however I have decided to allow my fingers to let my thoughts flourish and see what comes.

I find myself drawn to him as if my soul yearns for him when he's not near me. There was a space in time where we were not in one another's lives and for me that was the hardest time I've had missing someone. I thought of him daily and hoped that one of those days he would reach out, just when I decided to give up he reached out and I was shocked! I recall the first time we saw one another after about four (4) years apart and we had the most amazing sex! Soon after he looked at me and asked about the expression on my face; which revealed the shock of him actually being in my house, in my bedroom and in my bed. I'd thought that would never happen again and I was not only shocked, but happy! I mean, like over the Moon with happiness. 

I know the difference between loving someone and being “in” love with someone; I feel as if I learned that at an early age (I'll revisit that at another time). I think I remember when I fell in love with him many years ago; somehow the feeling hasn’t gone away. I haven't expressed my love for him, but it comes out when my thoughts drift to thoughts of him or our experiences together over the many years of knowing each other.

I often fantasize about different scenarios of encounters, it's funny because recently he mentioned being on the beach at night because that's often the setting for these encounters. I think and at times dream of us on a beach, with a blanket and the lighting of the Full Moon, with the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore; and the scent of the ocean breeze entangled with the desire we have for one another.

We talk for a bit and then he touches me on my shoulder and traces his finger down my arm until his hands are caressing my breasts and I begin to melt. He then takes a finger and slides the straps of my dress off my shoulders until I am nude under the Moonlight. I begin to undress him slowly touching his dark smooth skin until my hands land on his manhood; I start to kiss and lick his erect dick, sucking until he's about to cum. He then enters me slowly and I sigh as if it's the best feeling in the world; because to me, it is! His strokes are deliberate, focused on our pleasure; forgetting or rather not caring if anyone is around to see us; I then think of the possibility and it arouses me even more. 

We switch positions various times until we climax together. After we catch our breath we lay there for a moment and gaze at the stars while still admiring one another; my love for him grows deeper...