Retrogrades, Natal Charts and My Being

“Surround yourself with the things you love. Discard the rest.” 

Kate Spade

I feel as if I’ve had a rebirth of sorts, with Saturn Pluto Jupiter Neptune and Chiron in retrograde I’ve taken some time to revisit the meanings and effects of each. As I was reminded of some things I discovered why I’ve been feeling the way I have regarding matters of my heart, health and spirituality. I’ve also been studying my natal/ birth chart which seems to feel like the first time each time I read it. As I’ve learned the different aspects of myself I’ve learned to expect positive experiences when retrogrades occur. I wrote recently about not recalling the steps I took to lead me out of depression and into happiness and the above quote helped a lot. I started outward with candles and decorating then moved within to my thoughts and intentions. I devoted myself to the philosophy of self-love and self-care. 

I began to nurture my inner child and re-examine the voids or areas of neglect which created certain behavior and expectations. I can see my growth and it encourages me to continue along this journey back to my self. With my ruling planet in retrograde I’ve felt an intense energy to redefine boundaries, however with other aspects of my birth chart I can feel myself expanding and figuring out parts of me I couldn’t quite explain. For example: it’s my Venus in Pisces which “privately has a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood” according to its placement in my chart composed by Cafe Astrology.  Along with my Moon in Aquarius which to me explains my sometimes bratty behavior and wishy washy approach to things I find meaningless or boring. Knowing that about myself and my love for astronomy and astrology helps me keep myself in check; by staying in tune with the happenings of the Cosmos.

I then checked my “self-talk” to see what I’m thinking, what I’m saying to myself and how I choose to express that. I began truly surrounding myself with things, words and expressions of love. I suppose that may be what caused my heart to desire it as it has. Although I am still working on my fitness and body goals I have come to accept the current reality while envisioning the way I see myself, physically. Taking each moment “in the now” has helped tremendously. I realized while I was preoccupied with my mental, spiritual and financial health I’d neglected my physical health to an extent. Now that I’ve relocated I am able to walk at the beach, hike and enjoy other activities I was “deprived” of, in a sense. I feel as if I’m going to burst into the woman of my dreams and I am excited to do the “work” to make that happen. 

I guess my happiness is an extension of that: self-care, self-love and positive self-talk; at least that is what seemed to work for me. I hope you are finding the current state of the Cosmos enlightening and a time to review and possibly reimagine your desires. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Ice Queen

“She tried to keep herself away from everything that touches her feelings. She was afraid of the idea of love; that warm feeling has threaten her frozen heart.” - Sauuvagee (on tumblr)

When I think of the times I’ve been “in love” I realize many times that was not the case at all. How can you be in love with someone yet you’re holding back? Holding back words, feelings, actions... your authenticity. I used to refer to myself as an “Ice Princess”, that was many Moon’s ago, now I know how I’ve kept her with me and allowed her to grow; although I can now say the words, I love you; it’s mainly to family, not even friends and rarely to a lover. I know now that I am afraid of love, of truly, deeply, passionately, loving someone. I tried it before and to be honest it broke my heart. I thought beyond repair, but as they say “time heals all wounds”.

Imagine being deeply in love with someone and in the midst of it all they pass away... how can a heart love after that? I thought I could, but I often think of him; I see him in my dreams; which is why insomnia and I have become besties. I can’t handle it all of the time. Since then I’ve experienced heartbreak and heartache, but not as intense or long lasting. So my heart has been frozen in time, frozen to openness and ultimately frozen to truly allowing myself to be seen, authentic, loving. 

In past relationships I’ve been able to do sweet or nice things, but I didn’t necessarily do loving things; on purpose. I did not want love in it’s true form so I settled for lust or infatuation and attention. I read a quote some time ago and it resonated so deeply within I recently posted it on my instagram; it says: 

Study me as much as you like, you will not know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.''~ Rumi  

The idea of allowing people to perceive me a particular way has never bothered me before. I liked being mysterious; even misunderstood. I did not want anyone to really know me as I know myself; I suppose I am now at a crossroad because I’m leaning towards that desire; to know someone and to allow them to know me. 

I suppose it’s a choice; like I’ve chosen not to be that way I can now chose, love. Understanding that with that comes vulnerability, and many of you know how I feel about that concept. In therapy last year I dissected my “issues”, the things that may have been problematic in “relationships” and I do admit to being that way intentionally with the exception of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Many of my “wishy washy” ways were due to not wanting to be known and the other percentage was a disorder I was unaware of, until recent years. So how do I mend this pattern of behavior? After so many years I feel as if it’s a familiar habit that I find hard to break. 

I find myself saying things however true, omits certain context or full experiences; I think it’s to seem aloof which causes a certain perception of me that has kept arms distance in a sense. Which has been perfect until now; back to that crossroad, I seem to desire companionship yet I love being single. I want to know someone however I still feel as if I want to control how they know me. I don’t know why I am this way; I had to get a new therapist so I have not gone into that depth, but I am at a point where I want to know. I want to truly heal my heart and allow the “Ice Queen” to melt. 

The thought of the person who comes along and contributes to that occurrence has me scared, for someone to see my heart and not take advantage of it or cause any unpleasant experiences seems unrealistic or fairytale like. Then I wonder “am I just being pessimistic and jaded?” 

Funny, the Al Green song comes to mind, “How can you mend a broken heart?”, but the thing is, for the first time in a long time my heart isn’t broken; so I ask myself, “why take the chance?” And I have yet to come up with an answer. I don’t know why my heart is craving this level of intimacy at this time. I also don’t know how worthwhile it is to open myself up to that. I mean, I’ve loved and been loved; it was great while I was in it, but once it was over I was left with a heart that felt closed. What’s the chance of that happening again? Am I willing to take that risk? 

Some days I laugh about my heart being frozen and how it keeps me protected in a sense. However, recently I’m wondering if my heart truly desires something more than I’ve allowed it to experience or am I just romanticizing the idea of being in a couple... which is something I am unsure I want. I think I need to hold off a little longer until my head and my heart are truly on the same page; or at least in the same book. Until then I’ll attempt to allow myself to open up more, be more transparent and let my authentic self shine; if love comes in the mix we’ll cross that bridge then. 

Kamille 💗✨

An evolution of happiness

“fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”

- William Wordsworth

Since the onset of mental illnesses and the events thereafter I have struggled with knowing the desires of my heart. I have learned myself in new ways; ways I am unsure I would've learned had I not experienced the things which brought me to the journey I find myself on. Recently, I've been thinking about happiness and what it means/ how it looks to me and I must admit it has been more difficult than I expected. As I spoke with my tarot reader not long ago; we discussed happiness and it was suggested that I may actually be afraid to be happy, which wasn't much of a surprise. I realized that quite some time ago, various series of events lead to the feelings I was associating as a side effect of being happy.

I remembered at the time I was happiest however simultaneously I was being sabotaged in one area of life and betrayed in another; which lead to some of the saddest times of my life. The who, what, when, where and why's aren't important, but the emotions associated with such things has lead to symptoms which suggest PTSD. I came to think that being happy would attract all of the things I make efforts to steer clear of.

I began this expression last year around this time, I suppose it took this long to continue due to the work necessary to overcome that fear. The fear of allowing myself to be happy. I find myself in an unfamiliar space; deep in feelings of optimism and joy. I can’t recall the specific steps taken to get to this point, however I do know it took a lot of self-care and self-love. I now know some of what my heart desires, which is refreshing.

I find myself wanting to burst with excitement for all of the potential I see within myself. After a bit of redirection; in another city, with its own air and sounds. Yet, I know it here, the way it moves and how it feels and I will admit basking in feelings of nostalgia. I think over the past several years I’ve come to miss this feeling. It’s somewhat like a refresher however since I’ve evolved a bit over time I can now see with an alternate perspective. I pray as time goes on I don’t lose this feeling again; I feel as if I’ve learned how to better understand my self, the triggers and their effects. I’m looking forward to seeing my self continue to evolve until I see the woman within as I look out.

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨

untitled

“write hard and clear about what hurts”

Earnest Hemingway 

lately I have felt uneasy leaving home; between the pandemic and unlawful systematic abuse across the country, I don’t feel safe or comfortable going anywhere unnecessarily. I often think of the plight of Black people and why it seems to be unreasonable to have laws and rights passed creating a system of fairness and justice. society has a lot to repair in my opinion; I feel as if I don’t know enough about politics or the judicial system to go any further down that train of thought. However, I know how it feels when your loved one(s) leave and you are prayerful that’s they will return unharmed. 

I dream of a world much different than the current society many have gotten fed up with. I can see why many have chosen to protest and/or boycott as ways to have our voices heard. I find it strange that I was inspired to write during this time; with so much going on. I thought I’d express the hurt and pain I feel as a Black woman in America. I don’t know if the sentiment has been conveyed the way I feel it in my heart. I suppose my intention is to send love, light and hope to my community as we face what seems to be a modern civil rights movement. I hope we get to a place where human rights are respected and protected by the ones put in position to do that. 

My heart hurts for the families who lost loved ones in such violent and unnecessary ways. I pray their hearts are healed and they find peace. I hope we all tell those we love how we feel and do the work necessary to change laws. I hope we all are doing our parts to make the world a better place to dwell.... 

With love,

Kamille 💗✨

Retrograde's, Summer Wind's & the Moon

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” 

Meister Eckhart

One thing I've learned has been to trust new beginnings, giving them room for something different; hopefully something better to occur in my life. I've learned that although some things may look similar to something in the past it is also a chance to put all of the "lessons learned" to use; as well as embrace a new experience. I think with so much of my focus on things causing nostalgia it's great to look forward to things, setting new goals and leaving self open to evolving or being enlightened. I think that's what I'm looking forward to in the present moment; chances to be enlightened along this new journey I find myself on. 

Lately, there have been plenty of earthquakes near my area, add to that the recent Solar Eclipse, several planets in retrograde and the approaching Lunar Eclipse in the coming weeks. All of that feels like a new life to me, I often joke about living so many lifetimes; I mean, I even feel like this present life I'm living feels new every so often. Some events seem like they happened in a different life, like the saying goes "I was a totally different person then". In a sense I'm feeling as if this entry should be on the other blog as it feels like an excerpt from the statement "...a girl; evolving, loving, learning, growing, becoming; a woman.". I feel as if the girl I once was has communicated with the woman I am becoming to say it's time to move forward to something else. I know this is a result of many therapy sessions, tarot readings and meditations/ prayers, nevertheless I will admit to being a bit scared to dive into the next phase, especially with so much going on in the cosmos.  Which reminds me of the phrase "the show must go on" such is life; no matter what, it goes on.

Recently, I thought again of writing a book; I don't know why that feels overwhelming, yet I feel as if some of the things I am afraid to say on the blogs would be better shared that way. The thought is I'd have more room to expound rather than my sometimes vague entries on here. Which is mainly because I don't like the posts to be unnecessarily long (and some of us know how I feel about oversharing). I figure I'll add that to my list of goals and complete it in parts so that I am not discouraged. The trouble comes with the thought "I don't know where to begin" I suppose the answer will reveal itself once the appropriate time comes. 

Back to the cosmos, I feel an unfamiliar pull into uncertainty; I can't seem to describe the feeling or emotions associated with it. I believe with my ruling planet, Saturn, retrograde in my Sun sign, Capricorn the effects for me may be a bit heightened; however I don't know enough about it to go further. With that being said, I find myself at a crossroads; regarding how to focus completely on the future when Mercury (and many other planets are) retrograde which calls for us to reflect, revisit and such. I am unsure how my nostalgic thoughts will express themselves while I'm attempting to move forward. I guess that's where the uncertainty comes in...

While taking a quick break from writing (this entry) I stumbled across my horoscope for today; here's an excerpt:

"Life is not a race; it's an experience. There is no need to rush from one adventure to another, trying to fill your days with action! Today, stop your engines and cool your jets, because if you don't, you could be missing out on something subtle but wonderful in your life..."

Maybe that's the answer; not letting go of nostalgia, but rather embrace it at this present time in an attempt to remember, reflect, readjust my goals/ dreams and if possible reconnect. I truly believe there's something to be said about how astrology, astronomy and our daily lives intertwine. The other day a supporter on my Instagram page asked "what sparked your passion for astrology?" and my answer goes back to when I began studying my natal chart and finding so much information and insight about my personality as well as various aspects I'd never thought about. Add to that, how astrology ties into astronomy which I love. I've been a lover of the Moon for many years, decades now which I wrote about it in an entry titled: Summer Moons. I love the energy I feel as the Moon travels through her cycles and how my mind, body, soul and spirit reacts to her, divine feminine energy; it's astounding!

My hope is to come through this retrograde, eclipse season a better, more evolved, enlightened soul; with a better or should I say a deeper knowledge of my purpose and journey. I pray the same for you; taking the necessary time to relax, reflect and see what is and what no longer serves us and how to transcend the frequency we were once at while embracing the vibration the new Earth is bringing forward. I noticed I said "forward" a lot of times in this entry; I think that's because I am super ready and excited to see what this next chapter of my life holds for me. I hope on some level you can relate or strive to be in that place, the place of magic and manifestation. I pray we all learn something special about our beings during this time as each planet's retrograde holds within it answers to questions we may or may not have asked ourselves or God in prayer.

As I ran a few errands I saw a number which spoke to me so I looked it up on the Angel Numbers App* I use often; so this is what it said (notice the "Angel Power Words"):

What Number "456" Means:


The resulting total number is #6:It is an important time to nurture yourself on all levels. Eating healthy food, drinking ample water and sleeping well, will assist you to maintain a healthy body. Creating a peaceful ambience will also nurture your soul. The Angels recommend bringing harmony to your environment with beautiful flowers, music and crystals.

Your Angel Number contains an ascending number pattern. The messages contained within your 'Total Angel Number' are amplified 100 fold. This is a call to pay attention big time!

Angel Power Words:New Direction

Your Angel Number also contains #56:You may feel like things have been very up and down lately and that you have barely been putting one foot in front of the other. During this time however you have learned many valuable lessons and skills which have resulted in you becoming a very resilient person. Rest assured now that the Angels are guiding you to a much easier road up ahead.

Your Angel Number also contains #45:Call on Archangel Michael when you need extra courage to make changes in your life. Archangel Michael is ready to lead you in a new direction which will bring you to a blissful haven. Breathe deeply and know that you can do it!

*********************************************************************************

This truly makes my heart smile; very often after I choose to post my thoughts I'll get a confirmation from the Universe in (at times) subtle ways which translates to me as saying "keep doing and sharing what you are". I think that is one of the biggest compliments I receive; along with the comments in various Instagram posts saying you can relate or it's what you're going through or something you needed. Those sentiments mean more to me than I can put into words. Thank you!

Blessings 💗✨

Kamille

*the angel number app in the link is for iOS; I am not sure if the app with the same name on Google Play is infact the same app; please make note and search as necessary for the right app for you.

A Journey of the Heart

"you cannot have love if your heart is closed"

- Iyanla Vanzant

I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which states: "don't be the 'go to' person for people you can't go to" both of which resinated with me in a special way as these past couple of months have made those statements all too clear.

In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).

I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."

Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.

With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.

Blessings 💗✨
Kamille

Untitled

"your art

is not about how many people

like your work

your art

is about

if your heart likes your work

if your soul likes your work

it's about how honest

you are with yourself

and you

must never

trade honesty

for relatability"

- @chakrahealingvibes (Instagram)

Oftentimes I am not sure what to write; usually I allow the words to flow and make sense of themselves, lately however I've been too indecisive about what I want to share on the blogs and what I want to keep to myself. As much as I know that will only lead to overthinking and such I am making progress as far as not allowing the insecurity to stop me. At one point, even in resent times I have had the thought that I've "lost" my inspiration to share. Which is not the case, however a writer without a muse is an interesting space to be in. As the season changes from Spring to Summer I am forced to reckon with the reality of the year passing by with so much hope and anticipation for the goals I've set for myself. I suppose that "should" be my muse. At times it's enough, but on days like today I feel as if I need something more, which goes against various philosophies stating how we shouldn't want for anything and that everything is within us. Although I believe that; to an extent; it's difficult in moments like this where I know there's something more out there, yet I don't know exactly what that "something" is. 

I seem to be the only person I know to consider writing as an art. The art of words and how they are able to touch your heart and soul when structured in a special way. Perhaps that's where the insecurity comes from; the thought of myself as an artist seems a bit farfetched yet here we are. When reading drafts on the world outside my window along with the last entry Transparency where I mentioned the following quote:

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.”

-Expherience (Twitter)

I am forced to confront myself and ask if I am being truly honest in my writing or if I am simply trying to be relatable, not to my surprise the answer is a bit of both. My thought is to be honest as well as relatable however at what price? Am I so focused on being relatable that I am not completely being a light to otherwise dark areas that are rarely spoken of? I recall in the early days of my journey I thought everything had to be "love and light" and there were no "bad days", that was until many bad days occurred and forced me to push through to the other side of it. These days the not so good ones aren't as detrimental as I used to think they were, allowing myself the time and space to process the thoughts, feelings as well as emotions and pinpointing the root of it all has not been easy, nevertheless the lessons learned have brought me to the crossroads I currently find myself facing.

The thought of holding back versus the fear of oversharing has kept me from writing as much as I would like; especially since these days I have nothing but time on my hands. After much thought I found it rather ironic that the last post on the other blog was regarding transparency and how I would share more and the like only for it to be the last entry on that site. I don't quite feel as if I have become the woman I aspire to be yet I am not exactly the same girl who began that blog so many years ago. Through various shenanigans, heartbreak, heartache, victories, etc. I believe I have grown in ways only the wisdom of time can teach. For some odd reason I have been anticipating my next birthday, although I have a few goals to reach before then I haven't exactly planned it out. In thinking back on happier times I find myself still "stuck" in nostalgia, the trouble with that is the longing or should I say yearning for similar experiences. I have yet to learn how to overcome such thoughts and emotions and focus completely on the now. In my most recent post In Orbit I mentioned happiness being an unfamiliar concept to me in recent years. As I examine my words I had to answer a few questions about what I think happiness means before I could manifest what I believe it looks like. 

Maybe that's where I've gone astray, believing that happiness has a look as opposed it being a state of mind. I often question the hurt that comes up; which is more frequently than I'd like, yet it happens nonetheless. I try to single out the exact space the feeling or memory began in an attempt to transmute them into an emotion or observation that better serves me. Lately I believe I have been successful, not with everything, but with enough so that I don't overwhelm my therapist with so much to "fix". One thing I know for sure is how much I've learned about myself and the growth I've seen since I've established a regimen that works for me; including my medication, meditation, therapy and other metaphysical elements that keep me on track. I think that's why the above quote resinates with me as it does; especially where it says it's not about how many people like your work, but rather if your heart and soul is pleased. 

I've learned from various lessons within my journey to let go of the pressure; the pressure of the frequency of posting or the need to take a break from writing or social media. The idea that once I begin again readership won't be the same, which has been the case, slightly. I'm learning to trust the Universe in the idea that whosoever needs to read my words will find them. I had a conversation recently where I advised someone to let go of the things which are out of our control, I am taking my own advice today; trusting in myself and the gifts God has blessed me with to contribute to the wholeness of the planet in whichever way makes sense for me. I think that's where the happiness will awaken, or perhaps the muse I at times feel is necessary in order to write truly from my heart. Then I look at myself in this moment and realize it truly is within. I suppose I'll be able to share more on that in another entry. For now I am grateful, thankful and a little scared to share my soul. That level of vulnerability is something I'm still working on, it seems so intimate to be that transparent with others; yet I ask myself "am I even that transparent with myself"? So many times I hold back or stifle a thought because I simply don't want to think it or allow it to play out in my head. However I also realize that has been a hinderance for much longer than necessary.

The question then becomes "what am I going to do about it"?

In Orbit

With nearly every planet in retrograde (Jupiter, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus with Neptune going retrograde June 18- November 27), I am currently feeling a bit out of sorts; I guess you can say. Add into the mix this past weekends New Moon, I feel as if I have been sent into orbit. There's a gleeful expression awaiting the words to describe the feeling. However, I don't really know how to be happy anymore; blame bipolar disorder or the circumstances over the past 7 years...

Like that quote says, "we all have chapters we don't read aloud", I sporadically have flashbacks of specific periods where I was either nearly homeless or committed to psych wards and the events leading up to those times as well as the people who played a certain role in those situations. I try to forgive, and to some extent I have, then I think about where I am today; although everything isn't "blue skies and rainbows", thankfully they aren't as bleak as they once were.

As I said, I don't know what happiness looks like to me anymore because the time when I was truly happy, everything has been "taken away"; not as if the things were the source of happiness, but in my mind the looks of things inside and out were as I'd envisioned them to be. I suppose you can say as I intended to manifest them, and the people in my life at the time who I cared deeply for either betrayed me or our relationship has morphed into something either nonexistent or drastically unfamiliar. I feel alone, lonely even, but on the outside looking in I should be happy, I should be so many things, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I even began a few of my favorite hobbies such as horse riding while discovering newfound skills and dare I say talents in the form of painting. Yet, outside of those occasions I feel a bit lost.

In an exercise in therapy I realized I've been engulfed in the emotion of nostalgia and I can't seem to shake it, not for the time within the past 7 years, but for times many Moon's ago when I believe I could've made different decisions in an attempt to manifest alternative outcomes. Then I think of "The Butterfly Effect" and how possibly if anything had changed in the course of this journey things may have turned out far worse than what actually occurred. Although I refuse to entertain the thoughts of "what if..." I can't seem to help going down the rabbit hole in my dreams, thinking of certain people who have passed on or revisiting monumental times in other relationships and wondering had I said the things I felt or truly meant at that time would the circumstances have changed for the better? Which only leaves me more puzzled once I awake.

With all that I have managed to remain in a space of thankfulness, gratitude and hope; hoping for better days ahead, possibly a new love for life and such. Until then I take each day as they come, some good, some not so good and others that are just blah so I choose to sleep them away. Maybe I need to truly ask myself, what does happiness look like now?

Not too long ago I attempted to reimagine the nostalgic moments as sentimental and allowing them to hold a special space in my heart as they always have, but without the yearning for them to be once again. The attempt was short-lived... I had to ask myself "how is your heart?" and in that moment I could not put it into words; I no longer feel as heartbroken as I once did, but I don't know what these feelings are, since I've never felt them before. It feels a bit of what I imagine possibility feeling like or even anticipation of what's to come.

I don't know what's next so enters anxiety; ever-present to remind me of how little control I actually have over my life yet understanding the philosophy that we all create our reality I am uncertain, mainly because I no longer have a vision for my future in the traditional sense of: married with a house full of children and the like. As a woman of a certain age I've decided instead to focus on my self, my son, my fur babies and my businesses. Some days I feel as if that's enough while other days I feel as if that would leave me quite dissatisfied. Damn bipolar, makes me wonder what is the truth?!?

Some days I feel as if certain relationships ran their course and due to mental illnesses I tried to hold them hostage as a way of maintaining a part of my self which was pre-disorders. On one hand I believe that was the case yet on the other hand I am haunted by the memories of when times were "good" while trying to patiently await more good times. I suppose time will tell.

225 Drafts

225 is the number of blog entries reverted to drafts on the other blog; once I read through a few I realized why they'd return to such. I was completely transparent, however maybe not where it should have been expressed; perhaps, in person or stored in a journal. The purpose of re-reading them was to decide if I should republish them or not and as open and honest as they were I now feel as if I should cherish those memories and let them go.

That's been a pattern lately, letting things go. Not from a negative, reactive space, more of a "for the good times" kind of way. While writing this entry I choose to look into an app I have named "Angel Numbers" where I was able to gain insight on a perception regarding those numbers. Of course the message received was confirmation that I am on my journey. I supposed that's one of the issues I've been facing lately; the feeling of nostalgia. I don't quite want to forget any of the memories, with the exception of a few; yet I don't want to be so focused on them that I am not in the now, or creating/ manifesting the life I am striving towards.

I don't know a good way to "get over" nostalgia; now had it been depression or "the mean reds" I have techniques to overcome them. This is something altogether different and new for me. Sadly, the only people I'd want to discuss this topic with have both passed onto another realm (I pray they are happy). Which only leaves more room for nostalgic thoughts of memories we'd shared along with the wisdom, laughter and love shared... I suppose you can't get over the feelings of nostalgia, however you can't allow them to override your thoughts of the good times that lie ahead...

Out of Hibernation

"Be a lamp, or a lifeboat or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal"

-Rumi

Lately, I've been feeling the urge to share; for some odd reason the above quote comes to mind (often). As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the recent years. When dealing with mental health each issue can consume you, so it takes a lot of effort to "remain sane" as the number of disorders seem to increase. I will admit bipolar is a far different "beast" than anxiety and depression have been; for me. However while focusing on my well-being I've neglected the blogs which of course was not intentional. So back to the quote; although I've continued to share on various social media outlets I have not allowed myself to voice my thoughts in the form of blog entries which I will admit has left me feeling the void.

During the time of soul searching and healing I chose not to "be a lamp or a lifeboat" or even "a ladder" to an extent because I did not share my experiences with you all, from previous expressions and sentiments received I do know that my words have if not helped at least provoked thought or gave insight on some issues many have faced; or are facing. I suppose that's what I'm doing today, I'm deciding to do a better job of shining my light as the next quote suggests.

“Do the world a favor, don’t hide your magic“ -unknown

As an introvert I am truly working on this, mainly because I prefer to be behind the scenes; with little to very little attention being brought upon myself. I suppose this is me getting out of my own way and accepting the gifts that GOD has bestowed upon us all. Of course each individual's "light" will look different as each of our expressions are that way. Even still; aside from real life, where I make a conscious effort to "let my light shine" I find myself hypersensitive and often depressed after spending a certain amount of time with people. I don't know if that's the bipolar situation or a combination of diagnoses... Nevertheless, I feel as if it's perhaps strengthening the gifts associated with my purpose.

That's a whole other story; for many years I have been praying for GOD to reveal my purpose to me and as I thought and searched for various "signs" I now recognize myself in a different way. I believe my purpose has been revealed to me which makes me step out of my comfort zone and accomplish what I came to Earth to do. I can no longer use my disabilities as an excuse not to even attempt to contribute to the higher consciousness of this planet; even if that contribution is a small one, even if the only person who uses the information to grow is myself. I've mentioned it before on this blog and the other, that my goal is to share more often. I won't put any time or day restrictions on myself as that is not the way my creative process can be done, but I do plan to post more frequently than I have in the past couple of years.

I pray you all are well and continue to grow into your greatest and highest good. Allowing time to release anything that is no longer serving you with the coming of the Full Moon this weekend (May 17- 20, 2019; according to MoonPhase app).

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨ 

Healing

“I show my scars so that others may know they can heal.”
Unknown

I've written before of my relationship with my Mother, the last post mentioning the unlikelihood of reconciliation. Well, as they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell (Him) your plans"; as unlikely as I thought I was lead to reconcile not only with my Mother, but a few other people in my life. After months of inner-child work as well as some shadow work which lead to hospitalization earlier this year I believe I am healing wounds from my early childhood years. Which I feel is necessary not to mention inevitable once a person begins the journey into Self-Awareness or any type of Spiritual Journey. 

I've missed writing and sharing, I haven't thought of any reason to justify staying away so long other than I was "getting my shit together". Spending many days and nights battling anxiety, depression and insomnia along with the recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I feel as if I wasn't ready to share that with you all just yet; coming to terms with these types of things takes it's own time as well understanding in order to do so in a healthy way, at least from my personal experience. Sometimes letting others in too soon can cause unnecessary interactions or worse... One thing I've realized since being hospitalized in April 2017 came from a quote from Albert Einstein, which says, "There is only two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is a though everything is". I believe I have begun to allow that concept to sink in which brings a new found happiness for each day. Not as if I am expecting stereotypical miracles, but through all things; from the smallest to the most miraculous.

After contemplating many experiences I've had in this life as well as questioning some of my beliefs after reading a book titled "Beyond Beliefs" followed by "Island of Knowledge" by Linda Quiring. I feel as if I have found myself in a new space of consciousness, in some ways understanding the past from a different perspective and in other ways learning to shape the future with affirmations, goals and positivity while remaining in the NOW. It sounds so easy, but at times I feel the future as if it were the present or the past as if it were now and I have to regroup and recenter. Once speaking with my Mother I realized some beliefs I created which prolonged the reconciliation however if things happen in divine timing, then those obstacles were there for the time to align in order to make the "impossible", possible. I feel as if I am getting to know another side of myself, a side buried long ago in childhood and being around family feels right on time.

I am not sure if I've always been bipolar and it remained dormant until triggered or if it developed due to my other conditions. I try not to wreak my brain trying to figure that out. Instead I tend to piece together memories and thoughts to enjoy the moment. I hadn't realized how long it's been since my last entry until I posted the observations for October recently, I've been in the mood to write for some time, yet not until now have the words come to me. Hopefully this will not become a rare occurrence and I will share more frequently. Especially as the year comes to an end and new adventures await 2018.

I hope you are having an enjoyable day, even if the joy is a bit hard to find there is always something and/or someone to be thankful and/or grateful for. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Summer Moon's

For the past several evenings I have been attempting to schedule a date with the Moon. As we near the beginning of Summer the Moonrise becomes later and later into the wee hours of the morning, which is far too late/early for me to be out alone, so each night I dread sleep because I'd rather be gazing at the miraculous glow of the Moon. Especially after such a beautiful Full Moon days ago. My love for the Moon began officially one quiet Summer in the 1990's (South Central, Los Angeles). I don't quite remember the details, but what I do remember,  I won't forget. I believe the Moon was Full and I was outside awaiting my laundry. I stood there looking at one of the biggest, brightest Moon's I've ever seen (that I can recall). I was in Love. I'd never felt that way about anything and I knew I wanted to have that feeling included in my life from that day forward. The bond I have with the Moon is indescribable; the love and admiration along with trust and safety. It means more than words can express...

I wrote before going to bed last night, as I continued writing I recalled another interaction which may have influenced this encounter some years later. 1992, my Grandmother and I moved; closer to other family members, it just so happened to be on my birthday that year which is why I think I'll always remember. The year was nice until April when Los Angeles experienced the riots following the Rodney King situation; I suppose during the adult conversations it was planned that my Grandmother, a couple of my cousin's and myself would take a vacation that Summer. We arrive in Alabama sometime between July and August, I know because this is when Mary J. Blige's "What's the 411?" was released along with a few TLC's songs in heavy rotation on BET and all of the other Summer shows targeted at my age group. I enjoyed meeting various family members and exploring the town. It was interesting for me because typically I'd be alone, since I was still an only child at this point. So the cousin's and I split off into age appropriate groups and did our own things. I was enjoying myself up until a night at the Community Center of sorts when some boys turned out the lights and chased us around the building; something I had never experienced up until then. I remember some boy touching me and I screamed, shortly after the lights were back on and I was ready to go. Not just from the center, but from Alabama and everything included. I completely shut down and didn't leave the house for a while; I didn't realize how obvious I was being that something was wrong even though I couldn't exactly express what I was upset about, that is until one of my cousin's who lived in Alabama made me get dressed and took me to a Community Swimming Pool. 

While there we met these two young men who I learned were complete gentlemen, we all hung out a lot during the Summer until it was almost time for me to return to California. I don't remember the details of that interaction, I just remember it being old fashioned and romantic, I remember walks and conversations; although I do not recall the words. And within it all I know that the Moon was shining down absorbing it all. It wasn't until this morning that I had a moment of a flashback as I never think of that Summer anymore. However now I somewhat understand what I feel lately, nostalgia. I feel as if I am longing for something I've experienced before; I just don't know all of the components or how it makes sense given my current mental health issues. I do know that this past month or so I have been obsessed with a few things, more than usual and I feel as if my Soul is trying to tell me something or perhaps share something with me that my natural eyes aren't able to see. I feel as if I want to explore, that is until the fear of uncertainty jumps in and takes my mind on a roller coaster of possibilities. I don't know why suddenly childhood memories are flooding my mind; then again I think I do. It all started late last year or early this year when I was inspired to begin my inner child work, something I had been avoiding since I learned the term.

I won't go into all of that now, I'd rather bask in the memory of those two Summer's and how they sparked Love in an otherwise frozen heart (lol, it's a long story). Nonetheless, those experiences left a lasting impression; leaving me now searching for a date and time when the Moon is cooperating at a respectable hour in the night's sky where I can sit under the stars and share my thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires and hear the whispers of my heart so I can know what I am feeling as well as this phase of what my Soul knows that I need to remember. Something about this Summer has me excited, in a good way; which I have not felt in Lord knows how long. In the meantime, I want to enjoy each moment the days bring and fall deeper in love with life. I am praying to maintain this mind state, to allow the optimism and lightheartedness of happiness to overtake me until it engulfs my mind, body and soul with the carefree feelings this time of year deserves.

Blessings 💗✨

Emptiness

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye."

- unknown

It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are responsible for our wellness in all aspects of being, but something about my life now as opposed to how it was prior to these circumstances. At times I want to cry, however the thoughts following the feeling have no true meaning so the tears are blocked. Thats one thing I believe I've learned throughout many of my experiences in this life, which is to make sure to be thoughtful as well as do things with meaning. I have my reasons for this philosophy which I do not think I want to share at this time, but we'll see how the words comes together...

Some years are not as difficult as others, the most difficult part is I usually don't know how I'll feel about it until it is on the horizon; Mother's Day. I think this is the "holiday" I actually hate the most. As a child it was always a weird day, leading up to along with it's final hours, then Monday came and it was over; I've never loved Monday's, but the weekend of Mother's Day is the one time I've ever been happy for Monday to show up. Normally I keep these feelings to myself as not to shit on people who actually had a wonderful mother and all of the memories and heart-felt moments to show for it yet this year is different. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to accurately identify them all, however I do know that I do not wish to dive too deep into it all. I awoke this morning in a strange mood; I was happy, had a good night's rest and felt motivated to run some errands before the day got away from me. Then I remembered the weekend and the "holiday" and instantly I felt some type of way, a way that hits me sporadically and oftentimes leaves me in tears. Today was different, this time my heart was touched in a way that I can not describe and the tears are on standby hoping for a release. Everything else is numb and at times my heart grows cold. I am exhausted! I am exhausted of being my own mother. Not in a sense of "I've become my mother" but in the literal sense of taking the responsibility of myself as my mother was supposed to. I feel as if I have had to take on that role since I was five years old and I am exhausted.

But mother's can't get exhausted, and even when they do they can't stop anything when the children are in need; right? So I tell my inner child to hold on to the tears because I have to (as usual) be the mother that I need for myself in order to survive the (what seems to be) never-ending curveballs life feels the need to throw these days. I want to cry, but the tears won't fill the emptiness nor will they wash away the bullshit so what meaning will they have? What do you do with them? More importantly, who understands? I think that's the thing... I rarely think of my mother when I think of a mother, not to shit on her, more because when I think of my mother, I think of myself. Eventually I took all of the things said to me and formed my own philosophies based on known intellectuals, studying them almost as an obsession then tailoring them to fit the person I envision myself to become. At times I feel as if I've missed the mark and in other moments I am surprised; I won't go into detail, but it's odd to see your life and where you've come from along with where you are and how you got there. Even more so when you see a future that looks impossible yet somewhere or somehow you trust or maybe believe is a better term, that the person you see yourself as will come to fruition. I read a quote that said:

"my growth came when I realized that I do not have to experience life the way I have been told to."

- unknown

I don't recall how old I was when I realized this to be true even though I would not read the above quote for many years after experiencing the sentiment. The roadblocks, pitfalls and detours of this life are always on my mind. Not compulsively, but in steady rotation. On occasion I'll ask myself why certain situations are occurring and I can usually retrace events which lead to the origin of a calamity. Then I'll think if at that time there were some other options which could have prevented what followed. I find myself at a crossroads, the hospitalization last month truly put some things in perspective and brought up some things for me to look into. I woke up this morning and I wrote, but from my phone and when I pressed a button everything written vanished, I took that as a moment to reflect and see if the desire to write would return and what words would form. My heart feels empty, not because of lack, but in a sense of a faucet overflowing with nothing to catch the excess so rather than being fulfilled it's just a mess. That's how I feel; robbed. And I don't know where or how to process the hurt especially when the one responsible doesn't care that it exists. How do you heal despite the circumstances? 

Wake me when Monday comes...

Retrogrades, New Moons and the Feelings...

A quote comes to mind which states "the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn"; although I can relate to this saying, I do not believe it to be "the hardest thing in life". The difficulty comes with knowing which "bridges" to detach from, as opposed to which to nurture; which can be a delicate  balance of strategy and insight; or even foresight. I will admit, I have not quite mastered it as I sometimes would like to believe. Lately, I have encountered people who are "rubbing me the wrong way"; I am still processing if this is happening in conjunction with my current spiritual journey, the transits in the Cosmos or simply an obstacle of sorts forcing me to burn a few bridges or invest the energy, time, etc., necessary to build the intended relationships. This all comes to mind as I am navigating through my circumstances, feelings, emotions, healing and humanity while encountering situations which are contributing to negative or low energy emotions. I will admit, after my most recent anxiety attack(s) I have become rather hypersensitive. This is something I struggle with on occasion after I have been triggered along with compounded anxiety provoking and/or depressing interaction(s). I think I've always been a sensitive person, which is something I may have never admitted before; I've always felt as if it were my best kept secret. I remember as a child I rarely got spankings, I was the type of kid that cried if they were yelled at. So I can count on one hand the times I was disciplined that way. For most of my life, I can not recall why, I built a wall around my heart and only a very few have managed to get passed it for a very long time.  I then found myself changing, I suppose growing; but at the time I did not think too deeply about it,  as I reflect on various experiences I can see now the emotions behind some choices or behaviors in my past. I recall a few times in my 20s saying to my future self certain things that I could no longer allow, accept or become and the reasons why those things were so important for me to understand.

Recently during spring cleaning and reorganizing I came across several journals dated as early as 1994 detailing my teenage shenanigans along with following years, as I sat reading about love, heartbreak, goals, dreams and random thoughts there were times where I was that girl again. In the past few weeks I will admit I have discovered a version of myself that I have either long forgotten or just met. It's odd, because I can't remember experiencing this cluster of feelings. Which for a Capricorn Sun with Aquarius Moon and Virgo Rising, this is an uncomfortable space to be in; an understatement. However, as I acknowledge areas of maturity along with spaces which need quite a bit of nurturing, love and light I recognize sadness and some regrets and I do not know what to do with them. I understand their origin and I still believe the reasoning behind those decisions, yet the emotions are what they are, which leaves particular feelings associated with the long term affects I suppose. I try not to dwell on those decisions even with the outcomes being what they are, I figure those are my scars from this life; my prayer is often that I'll remember these lessons, especially the painful ones in order to make my next life the best one (that I know of). Although as of late I've grown to love fantasizing about another life where I avoid the mistakes, poor decisions and sabotage experienced in this one; but somewhere in-between those thoughts I have to remind myself that this one is not over yet. I don't know how to explain these feelings and my thoughts regarding them are even more confusing. 

With so many planets in retrograde (Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Pluto) it's no wonder I'm full of curiosity surrounding the concept of retrospection and renewing my mind, in a sense. It wasn't until today that I thought about some decisions and the rationalization behind them as well as how they may be shaping outcomes which no longer serve my higher self and I thought to revise or refine them in a way that coincides my current philosophies. I think back on previous expressions on the other blog The World Outside My Window and at times I wish I would have allowed it to be public as it was originally instead of deleting many of the posts written prior to the decision to allow others to view my words. I probably blogged approximately 2 years before what shows as the first post; I've done that a lot over the years, I remember I wrote something in junior high school and it was published in some school paper, one day I was upset about something and I tore it up and threw it in the trash. Days such as today it would be sentimental to have it with my other mementos, but I've parted with that reality long ago. I try not to do things like that anymore, but from the looks of the aftermath of my most recent anxiety attack I may have done just that. I haven't exactly accepted some of the damage done, primarily as it relates to meaningful items I can't find and the tears which refuse to fall; I want to find a way to express these emotions in a healthy and positive way because in all honesty, they scare me. Not in the sense of being terrified, but more. so anxious. Dealing with feelings and emotions may be one of my least favorite things to do, mainly because I rarely understand my feelings. At times I feel things and I don't recall if they are based on actual events or a fantasy of what would be ideal in my head. Which could explain why I've kept journals since childhood and why some of the things written were so detailed; some things even written in a tone to always remember as if to remind myself when I re-read the words to never forget those feelings and the meanings behind them. One of the things that helped once I returned home was to see and rediscover so many things that I cherish surrounding me.

I look back over the years, mainly the past 5; and how had someone told me then the things that I would endure and decisions I'd be forced to make I would not know where to begin in my disbelief. For example, I wrote "Words" in May 2013 yet the words can be posted tomorrow on this blog and still be as truthful as they were then. All The Things I Wont Say is still true, yet I have not learned how to stay encouraged while with others; before the last anxiety attack I had grown extremely isolated, I practiced anti stalking as often as logically possible. I see now the blindspot this behavior created and now I am striving to overcome the aftermath of it all. When it come to "Trust Issues vs. Intuition" I find myself stuck a bit on the same concept; trust issues can be a hard thing to shake especially when you are Aquarius Moon and are naturally skeptical of every thing. Then I realize as I attempt to think of a post title, "I don't know how I feel"... What does it even mean when you are full of feelings yet can't identify any of them? How do you move forward from there? I don't even understand why all of this is happening right now; I could blame Saturn Retrograde as it is the ruler of my Capricorn Sun or perhaps Jupiter and Mercury Retrogrades have something to do with it... I haven't researched enough about Pluto to point any fingers, all I know is the Cosmos in addition to my inner Universe is going through a bit of chaos and I am praying to come out on the other side unscathed...

May the odds be ever in our favor.

Beware of Illusions: Don't Feed the Delusions

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

Morticia Addams

Prior to the election this past voting season, I was dealing with various issues which can cause the average person to stress; however with anxiety disorder everything becomes on high alert or high priority. So to say that during and after the shenanigans as well as the ridiculous results the triggers were ever-present in addition to functioning throughout my daily life has been on the side of chaos might be an understatement. On occasion while running the usual errands or conversing with a neighbor someone will make mention that I don't seem as if I have anxiety disorder, which I have learned to take as a compliment to the behind the scenes "work" I do to understand and manage my self now. I won't go into detail about a recent situation which as a result landed me in the hospital for about a week. I can almost laugh now, seeing how I was just acknowledging, and possibly on some level celebrating the fact that I had not been hospitalized since 2014. Sometimes that's just how life works, while other times, such as this occurrence (from my perspective), we can be provoked into an experience that might have otherwise been avoided or prevented. I find that in recent years I've had issues with new "friends" where I'll meet people along the way and we may mesh well together. I make a point to inform everyone I deal with on a regular or consistent basis of the disorder, for various reasons. Yet, somehow some feel as if that's an invitation to attempt to take advantage of me in some way while others have chosen to debate me on my word usage and diagnosis; as if I am not really suffering with an illness.

That's the thing with invisible health issues, (some) people feel as if the display of symptoms or treatment is the only way to know a person has legitimate health concerns. Which I find not only insulting but offensive in some way; perhaps it's my hypersensitivity, nevertheless, whatever a person truly feels or deals with in their life whether it is in their mind, body, soul or spirit; in most cases who are we to say it is not so? I had someone tell me recently "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I think you're perfect..." and went on to say that I should stop telling myself that I have a disorder and some other foolishness. Without context it may seem as if the person had my best interest in mind while telling me these things however it was not, the reason being the objective was for me to fall for or fit into an illusion created for me; which would then make me delusional regarding my mental health issues creating far worse outcomes than accepting the difference of who I am (prior to and post diagnosis). The other issue with that is for someone who barely knows me, I say barely because if you've followed my blog(s) and/or social media you may have observed that I am a private person and at times even when sharing I tend to be a bit vague or "cryptic"; I am the same, if not worse in real life. For someone who did not know me before the initial anxiety attack to tell me who I am and what I should be telling myself is absurd, especially when those people are not in the mental health profession. While on the flip side I've had someone I've known for many years say to me that they'd begun to research anxiety disorder to gain a better understanding, stating that although they still aren't clear on every aspect they are willing and committed to giving me space, honoring my privacy and respecting my boundaries while maintaining our relationship. That in my opinion is what is necessary when someone shares such a private and personal reality. I think it's foolish to believe some of the illusions other people may shower you with, mainly because as they say, "the grass is always greener on the other side" just like how things will appear different from "the outside looking in". 

As someone who spends a lot of time, money and energy studying mental health; mainly the disorders I now find myself living with I think many of us have gained a greater appreciation for the simple things that are often taken for granted or unappreciated. I am not saying that we should not be mindful of our self-talk, but I am suggesting that we should not allow others to "gas" us up into thinking that mental illness is just something to say for attention; and more importantly we should not do that to ourselves. However if a person does have an experience or chose to identify a particular way that may not make sense to us who does it harm in accepting their choices? I am not saying that we all have to understand everything without research, candid conversation and tolerance, what I am saying is, if a person can articulate themselves in a way that shows a level of logic, reason, ration in addition to others resonating with those specific issues why are we still so divided as a society? I will admit, prior to being diagnosed with mental illnesses I did not think much about mental health on a daily basis; I did not experience anything to my knowledge that made the topic a priority for me, yet I have for the most part been an empathetic person so if something affects other people I care on some level. So for me to be on this side of things now I have experienced more than enough apathy, which I despise; making me wish to do more to advocate for those like me who may not be the typical or stereotypical face of a cause. True, somethings only show when you are extremely close to see or when given the privilege of seeing what goes on behind the scenes, but that is not always how life works nor is anyone obligated to display such personal things in order for someone else to be "okay" with their choices.

A few things came out of my recent mental health crisis; first I was reminded of how isolation truly is dangerous (see the book, 48 Laws of Power, for reference), secondly, I reconnected with family and finally I was able to learn of a blind spot within myself which has become a trigger. One thing that has helped me over the past 5 years of dealing with my mental health is to identify triggers as soon as possible and work to eliminate or manage them in a way that they are spotted early on and minimized before sending me over the edge. This time I was not as lucky, but the lessons learned may not only help prevent it from happening to me again (in this fashion), but I hope in writing these words that they may help someone else battling whatever it is you may be facing. My prayer is that God sees us through any and all difficulty we find ourselves in as well as send the appropriate help, healing and wisdom needed to persevere and/or endure until we are able to overcome or reach our goal(s). I also pray that whatever you need, in whatever aspect of your life that God guides and directs your path to see you through.

Love & Light 💗✨

Kamille