a month in the making

I've gone to the beach four (4) times in three (3) days, all of which were magical; especially because I spent time with the Moon while there. I also had a couple of cannabis infused beverages while relaxing at the beach, I love watching the surfer's; but they haven't been out as much as they were earlier in the Summer. It's already September! The time seemed to fly by, especially once I registered for college. I believe I'm already in week four (4); beginning one of the more challenging assignments that I truly do not feel like doing, at least the main part of it. It seems so tedious and I am not in the mood, however in addition to the three (3) units I want for this class I have a goal of getting an "A" as well; so I must do it and give it my best, that is when I feel more in the mood.

So my Grammie turned ninety (90) years old the other day, I went out of town to visit with her since she's so close. I also have plans with another relative who lives in said town. I'm very much a "homebody', however times like this requires me to get out of my comfort zone. I've always been an introvert, but with the pandemic I've grown fonder of being home or with family. I actually went to the mall recently, but I went straight to the stores I went to visit and came back out. That was a lot for me, seeing how I rarely go to such public places these days. Being around crowds gives me such anxiety I tend to shy away from them. 

I completed my assignment and I feel good about what I shared. I was also able to spend time with the Moon, which was Full and as beautiful as ever. It rained recently, I love the rain; well, when I don't have to drive in it for a long distance. The music is playing, however I ran out of my favorite vanilla incense. I forget the name of the store that I purchased them from, I just know it by memory when I visit a particular mall in a nearby city. I intend to go to that part of town soon so I plan to remember to pick some up. I haven't been to those stores since my tarot reader began working for himself.

Not only did I complete the assignment for this week, I completed next week's assignment as well. So now I have nothing to do, which I dislike; because I know it's a man made construct, but I feel like I should be "doing" something; yet I have nothing to "do". I'm just "being" and that's how it's "supposed" to be in the spiritual aspect of who we are. I don't know if I'm not used to it or if it makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps a combination of the two? I thought taking a class would occupy more of my time, but unfortunately it doesn't. I won't complain about that because I know I will have more to do next semester. I've gotten "A"s on all of my graded assignments thus far and my professor says I'm a "strong writer" and that she is looking forward to reading my next submission; of course that made my day!

When I attempted to attend college after high school I was ill prepared, I also faced various challenges that made it difficult to give it my all. Resulting in getting a job and working without thinking about going back; that is until 2015, however with anxiety and such I panicked when I was informed I'd have to attend in person rather than online as originally planned. So again, I dropped my classes and went on with life; until extreme boredom gave me the thought to try again recently. It just so happened that I got the idea a week before classes started, I was able to get the majority of my business handled prior to my first day of my course. The astronomy course begins next month and I am excited to learn about stars and galaxies! I've always been fascinated by the Universe so getting to know more about it and the course counts towards my transfer credit is a bonus. 

I've been writing this expression for nearly a month, I want it to be complete so I can publish; but I don't know where it's going or even have a title as of yet. As I sit in bed, listening to music I felt compelled to write something, I just don't know what that is; so as usual I'll allow my fingers the room to flourish and see what comes...

I'm a week ahead with my assignments for the course I am taking and as stated earlier, excited for my astronomy course beginning in a few weeks. I've been basking in the success of my school life a lot because another area has been falling short; my "love life" has been a bit disappointing lately. I've asked myself "what energy am I exuding to attract disappointing outcomes?" and the answer came from a book I flip through on occasion, "The Energy of Emotions" by Emily Maroutian; where it speaks of the pessimists, where the writer suggests that doubt, disappointment and skepticism are all a form of the same energy. I've been skeptical of my lover; not in a sense of "is he being honest?", but more so if our plans will go as stated and there's always been a bit of doubt while anticipating the date. Then when something "comes up" I feel as if I were "prepared" for it to happen that way. Which was the energy I was attempting (poorly) to avoid. Although we can not control the circumstances of another we can control ourselves. The doubt or skepticism of wondering if I'll see him on said day and time leaves room for "comfort" when it doesn't happen. The idea is that perhaps subconsciously the seed of doubt comes in and makes peace with the situation so when disappointment comes I feel as if "I knew this would happen this way".

To be optimistic regarding our plans seems "too" hopeful; while the possibility of them not taking place seems more "realistic". Which is partly why I've experienced said outcomes; because it's all the same energy; doubt, disappointment, etc. From what I understand the author to have said is that being in the energy of doubt leaves room for disappointment to come in and not "shake things up" because "I knew it!" It's all manifestation in the end, the doubt manifests disappointment; the same with worry and such. They say "worry is like praying for an outcome you don't want." In analyzing my love life I must recognize the energy I bring to the table and ask myself if I am in some way sabotaging myself. As a Capricorn Sun (astrology) it is said that we are "born pessimists" and I find that to be somewhat true, it's as if "we" are always looking for "the other shoe to drop"; especially if/when things are going well. 

When I am anticipating seeing him I begin to have such anxiety; like yesterday, I vomited and had to take a probiotic to "settle" my stomach. The pressure I felt to perform was a bit too much at the time and I believe subconsciously I was hoping to find a way out of it. Although I truly wanted to spend time with him I was feeling a little insecure and fearful, sometimes I think the more time he spends with me the more he'll realize something about me that he doesn't like. We don't have those conversations, honestly I don't have this conversation with anyone it's just coming out as my fingers express the thoughts of my heart. I fear he'll leave me or maybe he doesn't really want to see me for some reason. That's when skepticism comes in and says "other things are more important than our time together". As I typed those words I realize I don't believe that to be true, I don't even know where that comes from, maybe fear or insecurity? 

However I do recognize that I do not wish to feel this way any longer, doubtful, anxiety filled and disappointed. Friday, I was in a bad mood; because our plans failed. Saturday, I saw the effort, but again something came up. I was mad for a moment then came understanding; I feel as if anxiety, fear and doubt manifested the outcome which would keep me in my comfort zone. Today I realize a conversation should be had, but for now I don't have the words to say. While on my end I am going to improve upon this doubt and worry that seems to be sabotaging what I really want. I am glad this came up during the New Moon as it is said to be an introspective time and represents new beginnings as well as a time to set clear intentions and such. I feel as if today is a new day and everything before now is in the past, not in a sense that it doesn't matter, but more like a chance for a fresh start with more clarity and understanding. My desire is for things to work out for the both of us and I am willing to reevaluate my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how these things are working together to bring forth the results of the past few months.

I took a moment to find my thought and what came to me is, "do I really want to be happy?"; then "do I feel I deserve to be happy?" and if so, why am I subconsciously doing things that create unhappiness? Where does that come from? What limiting beliefs do I have concerning relationships that create such anxiety and doubt? How do I discover and overcome those beliefs? My friends think I need to meet another lover, my response is "I need another lover like I need a hole in my head". After dealing with my "man friend" I've discovered I don't want to "see what's out there"; at least not at this time. Aside from spending more time with my lover, I am happy with my situation and adding another will only complicate that. I feel as if I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to entertain another man and his personality right now. I want to get things on the right track with my lover and enjoy him and only him. 

The question comes to mind, "what does my heart desire?" and as I ponder the thought I am immediately reminded of the interaction with my lover a few years back; where we spent enough quality time together and how felt as if nothing was lacking. Many years has passed since then as well as a change of circumstances, but I feel as if we can get to a space similar to that because we were there before. After four (4) years apart we have grown so I don't expect things to be the same as they once were, but I do know that we are learning one another and the people we have become. That doesn't magically happen within a few months, it takes time and communication. I've learned from this weekend areas where I am manifesting outcomes I do not wish to experience and calling it reality; when it doesn't have to be this way. It can be as beautiful as I envision it to be and that will take some effort on my part, I don't feel as if I have been doing the minimum, but I do know I can improve on a few things when it comes to communication such as avoiding the difficult conversations and only being one or two aspects of myself. 

I have some questions to answer for myself and intentions to set in alignment with the life I desire. I feel as if I've made the first step with going back to college and putting forth my best effort in the course I'm taking. Deciding to pursue a degree has been the biggest commitment I've made in a very long time. As the music plays and I take a few sips of my cannabis infused coffee, I feel a bit free; realizing the major revelation discovered through writing this expression. As sacred time begins I pray for family, friends as well as family of friend; hoping for peace and happiness. I feel delighted to start the day and feel the effects of my concoction! I also pray for the words to express to my lover; a friend told me of a time when he experienced a similar situation where he was on the "offending" end and the offended party made him "feel like shit", that is not my goal or intention. My desired outcome is clarity, understanding and better communication moving forward. 

I think it's time I come to terms with and be honest about the relationship I truly want. A family member feels as if I am "settling", however did not fully express in what ways, yet she asked "do you want another twenty (20) years of the same thing?". When I reminisce, I am reminded of the years where we were on and I can't fully remember when we fell off at times other than when I was seeking something from another and shifted focus; I imagine he had times of the same. That is why I don't wish to go back into the dating pool, I don't want to shift my focus, I want to invest in this relationship and see what possibilities are to come. While I was upset on Friday, I thought "perhaps I should give him space to reevaluate his situation" but that will just be giving up on what we could have. I believe that is the outcome anxiety, doubt and skepticism is expecting; throwing in the towel at the first instance of things not going "my way". Something that I've done too many times in this life, letting go of what I want out of fear that I'll lose it anyway. 

I have a thought to chug my coffee since it's cooled off considerably in order to expedite the effects of the cannabis oil, but from experience micro-dosing is best. Self improvement is something that is really important to me, I feel as if this situation is teaching me an area where I need to evolve, I've outgrown the defense mechanisms of the past; seeing how the ones associated with relationships have not panned out the way I envisioned them. As we enter the last quarter of the year and my new age is quickly approaching I feel as if it's time to take that leap. A deep dive into my feelings, pulling out what I've been afraid to face when it comes to romance; I consider myself a "hopeful romantic" yet I often shy away from saying and doing things that would "prove" that to be true. I must ask myself, "where are areas in my mind that circumvent a healthy romantic relationship?" and "how can I release these limiting beliefs?". I know that I want to love and be loved, at times however I don't always know what that looks like. 

I've been awake for hours, wishing I could text him and say the things my heart feels, but it's too early. I wish he were here and I was in his arms, looking deeply into his eyes. Wanting to feel wanted, he does that very well; making me feel as if he wants me in the same ways that I want him. I know he means it, I know him to be an honest person, saying what he means and being straight forward so I don't question that. It's the part that anxiety toys with, especially since realizing my "man friend" is a liar; anxiety and doubt tries to generalize to have me believe I'm being lied to. That it's a game to make me feel "stupid" for loving and/or trusting someone. I know that is a fear, but what I didn't know is that I felt that way; until I just typed it. As I await daylight, I feel better than I did when I began writing this expression; I feel as if a lot of insight was discovered. I intend to write in my creative journal detailing my intentions for my love life; I am not completely certain why that is the topic of the day, but here we are.

The expression "sometimes you break my heart" comes to mind, as I read the words shared I was reminded of the years my heart was broken because he was no longer a part of my life. I recall yearning for him, wishing he'd text and end the void of the space he once filled. I didn't share on this blog from October 2017 until May 2019, partly due to whatever circumstances I was facing at the time in addition to the beginning of our time away from one another. The good thing about that period of time is that I actually reevaluated myself and after the many years of sharing on the blogs I knew where I needed to heal. Although I did not know what that looked like, I was determined to prepare myself to receive and accept love. As expressed in the first post after the hiatus, "out of hibernation"; the thing about healing is, it is a constant occurrence. There is always some aspect of ourselves in need of healing, no matter how minor or significant. Today, through writing I learned areas within me which require some love, energy, prayer and mindfulness. I intend to have an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day" focusing on my inner child and what she may be able to enlighten me to. 

This expression is longer than I knew it would be and a title has yet to come to me. As I take another sip of my lukewarm coffee, I am reminded that we are in Mercury Retrograde in addition to Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Saturn, Uranus and Chiron! Not using astrology as an "excuse" for the events of the current weekend, but to put things into perspective for myself, I believe astrology adds insight to enlightenment and awakenings. I find it interesting that I was able to express myself in this way during a Full Moon and cover the concepts I've shared regarding healing and areas in need of attention while Chiron (the wounded healer) is retrograde. The level of care and concern I want to extend is something I've never gave much thought, I'm typically mindful as well as thoughtful; however this time I feel as if I want to be deliberate and honest. I do not want to be reactionary, I understand that is for the highest good of no one and will only cause miscommunication while Mercury is retrograde. 

I visited with my psychic recently and had a very in-depth conversation, the tarot spread gave me information confirming many of my thoughts, feelings and prayers as well as insight into decisions I am contemplating. I believe it was perfect timing with the energy cleanse I participated in nearly two (2) weeks ago, along with the retrogrades and New Moon. As I mentioned in "on course", I have made a conscious effort to be more engaged in my spiritual practices; I am happy to say I am seeing things align. I had a thought about manifestation and low vibrations, I'm beginning to understand that lower energy may be "easier" to accept than to believe "far fetched" things, whatever those things may be. It takes a lot of faith, trust, honesty and energy to manifest things you subconsciously believe you may not "deserve". I feel at times society conditions us from a young age to "expect the worst" rather than the optimistic notion that "everything is always working out for us". I'm constantly reminding myself of the later, everything is always working out for me! Now that I am aware of what's creating fear and anxiety I can tell myself that "all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

I feel as if this expression could be divided into two parts, but I don't want to separate the train of thoughts. The music is paused for the moment, I am basking in the joys of this morning; feeling euphoric! I haven't finished my coffee, at this point I am pacing myself because I feel the effects strongly. I had an errand, but decided to push it off until a later date, today is "Kamille Appreciation Day" so I'll be spending it indulging in self-care. I've been awake since nearly 1:30 am, I figure I'll take a nap in an hour or two once I figure out a title for what I've shared. In this moment I feel tuned into the energy of gratitude, my goal is to build upon that energy spending the day in thankfulness and love...

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend, taking the necessary time for self-care, prayer, meditation and such. Until next time. 

on course

"go beyond your little world and find the grandeur of God's world."

Rumi

So I've completed my first few assignments for my course; creative writing- nonfiction. The class is not what I expected which is great; because I find it challenging; in a good way. It is covering an aspect of writing that I've mentioned when anticipating taking the class; which was finding my voice in my writing. I am looking forward to see the progress once I reach the end of this course. It's interesting how this and the next course I am registered for - astronomy, will overlap and conclude at the end of the year. That is significant to me because of the intentions and affirmations I set for myself during that time.

The end of one year and beginning of another is so refreshing to me as it is a chance to improve upon things and really see what no longer serves us as we go from one space in time to another. Especially seeing how soon after the New Year I'll become a new age! I'm actually excited for this  birthday and I am unsure as to why that is. Seeing how I have yet to make or even begin to think of any plans. I feel myself outgrowing my "little world" and moving towards "the grandeur of God's world"; slowly, but at a good pace.  I hope to have rediscovered the space of the Soul where creativity lives; I've been focusing on tapping into that space more often.  

I read a tarot spread for a friend recently which went well; I've learned in my time away from tarot, to trust my intuition a lot more than I have in the past. I saw that through the reading I was more confident in my interpretation and delivery, it also helped that the cards were accurate for the experience. I intend to do a reading for myself, however I have yet to attract the prompts I resonate with or think of any on my own. I also plan to do the "Monthly Check- In" spread at the beginning of September. I am also participating in a Virgo Reset Cleanse*, scheduled for the seventeenth (17th) and a Mercury Grounding* for the retrograde (approximately September 9th- October 2nd). 

I feel on some level I've been slacking with my spiritual practices and am attempting to improve as I've also been focusing on my mental, emotional, psychical and financial health these days. Much of which is quite time consuming. Making sure to take breaks and mental health days as necessary; I think I'm going to schedule a "Kamille Appreciation Day" very soon; once I review my responsibilities for the remainder of August and the month of September. The year is going by pretty quickly as I think of how we are approaching the last quarter of it. Although I don't celebrate any of the festivities centered around October until December, I am excited for the Autumn/ Fall season just as well. A time for Ugg boots, spiked hot beverages and a light chill in the California air.

As the music plays and times passes by, I am reminded of an errand I have scheduled and I have to decide how much longer I intend to write. I am suddenly reminded of the Full Moon and begin to feel excitement brewing within my being. It's funny how my cycle is sync'd with the Moon; it used to be with the New Moon, now it's often closer to the Full Moon. I read that signifies empowerment for self as well as other women. I feel that; empowered, as if by reclaiming my spiritual practices I am empowering myself with what my Soul needs at this time. 

I had cannabis oil in my coffee and I am still feeling the effects; which I like, since I don't need another dose for some time. I have a little less than an hour to get myself together and get on the road, a drive I am looking forward to. I have a feeling the music will be just right and traffic will be at bay. I have yet to learn the title of this expression, however I am allowing the words to flow through me as we all discover them for the first time. I never draft my expressions, I simply type then edit for grammar and typos then publish. A practice I find to be quite freeing as it is not censored or tailored to a specific narrative.

I'm looking forward to my hair and Rocko's grooming appointments scheduled for this week. Unfortunately, Rocko has to get a haircut, an experience he is less than fond of; however it's necessary. I've dubbed his appointment, "Rocko Appreciation Day"; seeing how he is my emotional support animal and he does so much to keep me in good spirits.  He is such a comedian in his own right; keeping a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. 

As the music changes and I've completed a New Moon tarot spread for myself; the results were positive, encouraging and uplifting. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next; since I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I've decided to continue to write. I'm also attempting to tap into what I'm feeling in the moment and I am a bit "all over the place". I bought a new lipstick and I'm excited to try it on again; initially I didn't think I liked it, but over time I think I'll give it another try! So far, I don't like it. I'm new to the red lip, but of the three (3) shades I have they all seem to be more orange or brown than red. I feel determined to find the perfect shade! In the meantime it'll be lipgloss and mascara for a while. 

I received more grades on assignments submitted and they were all "A's"; that made me happy!  Especially since this is my third attempt at College; my first attempt I became a mother and lost focus, the second time a few years ago, I was plagued with anxiety and couldn't commit to in class courses. This time thankfully the courses I'm registered for are online, I'm almost certain that won't be the case for all of the courses I'll need to transfer with my degree in English, but I am hopeful. That's another area I feel my "little world" expanding; I think I may be open to take classes on campus, maybe next semester or in the near future...

until next time

*visit @mysticxlipstic on twitter for additional information regarding the energy cleanse as well as grounding for Mercury Retrograde

my beautiful nightmare

I remember meeting him; Summer 2003,  we meet online and if memory serves me correctly it took a little while for us to meet in person. I believe we spoke on the phone and texted for weeks, maybe months before we saw one another for the first time. After a few times we spent together I knew he was special. The way he spoke, presented himself and treated me was like boyfriends I'd had in my teenage years. I recall him asking me to be his "girlfriend", at the time I was a brat and upon our first misunderstanding I broke up with him; I realized some time later that move was a mistake on my part. During that time I had unknowingly gotten used to toxic relationships and did not understand how to behave in a "normal" one. To me, at the time he was a fantasy; I felt as if he was "too good to be true" and that he'd hurt me badly if I allowed him in my heart; because that had been my experience over the years with my first two (2) real boyfriends. 

It was a long time after we broke up that we had our first sexual experience together, it was beautiful, passionate and surprising. Mainly because I didn't know what to expect and it was more than simply "fucking", it felt like something more; something I hadn't experienced since I was 17 with the second (2nd) man I ever loved. One night while we were together I said "I hate you" and his reply was "you love me" and stupidly I repeated my statement. I've always regretted that moment, wishing at times that I could go back and relive it; because it was so beautiful and I hadn't realized until years later that I did in fact love him. However as stated above, I was used to toxic relationships and having "hate sex". Before I met him, I was involved with someone who was no good for me; not very loving or caring we just had good sex and at the time that was enough for me. 

So now I'm in a situation with someone who seems to care for me and I am "acting bad", at the time I wasn't interested in love or thinking of any one relationship growing into anything. I only cared about having good sex and my daily life filled with being a mother, work, friends and living "my best life"; at least what I felt that was at a time; before I had matured and learned more about myself and my desires. I had things so mixed up as far as how or what male/female relationships "should" be like. I realized many years later how misguided I had been; I recall he'd use the phrase "making love" and I was so focused on "fucking", my heart had been broken a few times and I had not healed. I realize that now, well, I realized that some time ago when analyzing myself and my previous relationships with men. 

I remember when I really realized that I loved him; we had amazing sex one night, I don't recall how soon after, but I changed his ringtone to "whatever" by Jill Scott; where she says the man she was with had "pulled some tricks out your sleeve last night..." she goes on to say how he "put it down last night..." and how they'd "made powerful love last night...". Unfortunately he heard the ringtone and it was only part of the chorus and not the part that made me set it as such. I don't recall what was said about it, but something was said; this was before the age of smartphones so I couldn't simply open an app and play the full version of the song. So I let the moment pass, again, a moment in time that I regret. Not long after I mentioned being his girlfriend again and he made it clear that he didn't "take me seriously"; I've held on to these memories for nearly twenty (20) years. How foolish I had been concerning him and how he never gave me a second (2nd) chance at something more than a sexual "friendship". 

We've both had other relationships during our time of knowing one another, but somehow we find ourselves back in one of the other's bed. Although it could seem as if all that we share is sex, I feel it's more than that. I remember a time when he'd tell me that I was "perfect" for him and I did not understand fully what he meant by those words; again, years later I began to feel the same, as if he is perfect for me. He is supportive and encouraging; I remember recently telling him that I thought our space apart this last time was because I'd gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me. He then let me know that his disappearance was misunderstood and that he thought I was going through a lot at the time and needed space; which was partially true, I was going through a lot, but I did not want space. I was honestly feeling insecure about my weight and did not want him to see me in a state where I didn't feel "my best".

As I wrote in "you, me and the Moon", the four (4) years we spent apart was extremely difficult for me. I'd have things I'd want to share with "someone" yet had no one to share them with, or I'd want to express the sexual aspect of myself and either have no one to express them with or I'd have a fling which was hardly equal to what he and I shared over the years. I remember I'd be with someone and think of him to "get through it". No one compared to him, as far as his mentality or the sexual power he has over me. I feel safe with him; which is something I haven't felt since my first (1st) boyfriend. For a little backstory, I met my first love when I was fourteen (14) and he was apart of my life until I was about twenty (20) or twenty-one (21); I've written about him before on this blog as well as the other. He passed on, and at that time I believe I said to myself that I'd never love anyone the way I'd loved him. Then two (2) to three (3) years later I meet "the man of my dreams" and I fumble the entire relationship, partly because of feeling I'd never love anyone the same and the other part being the disappointment I'd experienced in relationships prior to meeting him.

I used to be so intimidated by him, on some level thinking I wasn't "good enough" for him; in that I had been treated as if I were ordinary; for lack of a better word. At some point I felt as if he was able to "see" me, the me I had been hiding behind a "tough girl" exterior. Years later I began to refer to him as "my beautiful nightmare", because the idea of loving him was scary to me yet our sexual chemistry leaves me in a trance at times. I felt like he was a fairytale and somehow something would happen to take him away from me, so I thought I'd keep him at arms length to "protect" my heart. Yet my heart was making me feel these things that was so foreign to me at the time; it had been so long since I'd experienced love that I did not recognize when I felt it. After much therapy and various tarot readings I've healed from the loss of my first love as well as my second (2nd) boyfriend, who loved me, but had too much going on in his life for me to continue a relationship with him. Not long after our breakup I ended up pregnant by someone who did not care for me much; again, we just had decent sex and one night the condom slipped off. After those three (3) relationships I thought I was incapable of love or loving someone.

So for the longest time I kept him in a box, my fantasy man; somehow I feel as if my life is better with him in it. Even if there's no title for what we share. I hesitated to publish "you, me and the Moon" because I was afraid that he'd read my words, without knowing what he would think or if he'd mention anything about it; I feel a way about what I've shared thus far, but I've gotten over the fear because these are the words my heart wants to share and seeing how I actually have words to share in the span of a couple of days versus the past month of writer's block I have chosen to put my art ahead of my fear of what's unknown. Before publishing "you, me and the Moon" I conducted a risk assessment with a friend and thought, "what if he doesn't feel the same?" or "what if he does?" and "if I wanted anything in our dynamic to change?" and since I don't quite have answers to those questions I figured I'd pour it on the page allowing myself the space to express what I've been keeping bottled inside for nearly a month of not writing. 

He sparks something within me that I have yet to understand; fully. It feels like the teenage Me who was authentic, carefree and full of love to share. I hold that back though, afraid to be vulnerable with him, still. I think that may be what intimidates me the most, my own fear of being vulnerable. Although I feel a degree of safety with him, I am not always my authentic self; hiding behind my sexual desires and that aspect of who I am. Perhaps on some level still holding him in that box of fantasy, that is something I would like to do away with. Seeing how I have changed in ways yet reverting to the "old" Me when dealing with him in some ways. However he has changed to his betterment over these past four (4) years apart. I've shared that with him, I like the changes I've seen since we've begun speaking again. My hope is that after I've shared these words I am more comfortable being my authentic self with him, allowing him to see more aspects of who I am versus who I at times present myself to be. It's weird because I don't feel as if I am pretending, since the things I share most with him comes from the fantasy part of who I am, however I don't think I share the real aspects of my heart and mind with him; mostly desires. 

At times, I don't feel as if I am "ready" to do that, then I think of what I want right now and as I spoke with my nail technician recently; I don't want a boyfriend in the traditional sense of the term. I feel as if I may have been single "too long" for what my mind says a "girlfriend" is. I feel as if I would like a companion at times while keeping my space, then I question if that is even true. As of right now I don't think I want anything to change, I am happy! Not thinking or even caring if he is in love with me or not, I know that our situation isn't toxic as I used to settle for and to me that's what counts. The thought of pushing the button to publish made me roll my eyes, only because of the fear of who'll read these words yet I am forcing myself to have the courage to do it anyway. I haven't mentioned that I've published anything, only that I have written which is "what's important"; I am afraid, but focused on being brave in this moment. 

Full of love and in a sense ready to express it yet not knowing how. I've felt this way for many years however I have not fully expressed my love for anyone outside of family and friends which of course is a different type of love altogether. I used to think it was infatuation then realizing it was much more than that, I honestly think what we have is "enough" for now. I remember a time when he'd tell me I was "too much" and I'd think to myself how much I was holding back and questioning what enough was. When I mentioned being "too much" recently his words were comforting and allowed me to re-evaluate when and with whom to share "too much" and when not to. I have yet to discover that balance with him, but I feel as if I can be more of my authentic self with him as I have not been over the years. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that even if things remain the same, I am fine with the way things are. I love the ability to share my fantasies and desires with someone who does the same; I love the support and encouragement to "keep writing" and the beautiful, passionate, at times shocking way that we express ourselves in the nude. 

I believe I will make an effort to check myself when I feel as if I am holding back with him. I want to show my wild side as well as my soft side; both of which I've hidden for a very long time. I don't even know how that is possible, then again, when a person continuously practices hiding it may come as second nature. I believe that's who the "old" Me is, the second nature instincts I've developed to keep myself safe from heartbreak which leads to heartache in my opinion. The crazy thing is, even with holding back and hiding aspects of myself I've experienced heartbreak as well as heartache; so it's clear that holding back and hiding is not serving me to my highest good, so why continue? I'm willing to work on that, it comes easy when I allow my fingers to speak for me on the blog rather than in real life where I'm often quiet. I think the other thing I've noticed is my fear of saying the "wrong" things as I have in the past, with two (2) examples above. I intend to do better; not really focused on only saying the "right" things, but speaking what my heart and mind agree on.

I suppose "time will tell", but if you notice me writing more fantasies on this blog than ever before it is because he's giving me things worth writing about. He inspires me, effortlessly, which also intimidates me. At times I feel as if I have misplaced my creativity when he and I aren't speaking or haven't spoken, even if it's a very short period of time. I'm figuring that out as well, as I spoke in "purple clouds" about my chakra's and meditation on my sacral chakra which deals with sexuality and creativity I can see how those two (2) things are intertwined. I feel as if when I am able to express my sexual side I am more creative and able to write from a space that is true to me. Even though I have a fear of publishing these words, creatively I feel as if I must. Thinking of the times I've held back the full story or been vague or even cryptic, I no longer wish to be that way. I want to be descriptive and forthcoming, things I expected from the creative writing class I've registered for. 

My hope is that I'll improve in my expressions and leave you with insight of who I am and some of my experiences throughout the years. I believe this may be the most open I've been on the blog, at least recently; it's liberating. Letting go of fear and embracing my story so to speak. I listen to music a lot and I find it interesting when the songs play describing my thoughts or emotions in that moment, Pandora (music streaming app) does that a lot! This morning is no different, songs of love and lust streaming through the television, reminding me of my feelings and how I am getting better at discerning what and why I may be feeling a way at any given moment. I believe this expression is a step in that direction, being free to express how and why I've comes to love someone and why things may be the way they are in the present and being happy with the way we've come back together as different people in a sense. Allowing what we have to be what it is and simply enjoying what we share with one another. I could go on, but I think I've shared (more than) enough for now.

Until next time...

you, me and the Moon

I've taken an impromptu break from writing in search of inspiration to no avail. I am unsure where the inspiration has gone or when it will return;  in the meantime I enrolled in a creative writing class, which I hope will assist in finding the inspiration necessary to write on a continuous basis. In addition to finding my voice and the courage to speak the things I have been afraid to share. At times I have an uneasiness with writing about things other than my own thoughts and experiences trying not to include others in those expressions. 

I spoke with a friend who suggested I write about a fantasy since my "regular" thoughts have escaped me. The truth is, I have thoughts to write however I have been scared to share them; because the thoughts are of him and I haven't expressed them verbally to him. So the idea of writing them in public makes me anxious and nervous to express them, however I have decided to allow my fingers to let my thoughts flourish and see what comes.

I find myself drawn to him as if my soul yearns for him when he's not near me. There was a space in time where we were not in one another's lives and for me that was the hardest time I've had missing someone. I thought of him daily and hoped that one of those days he would reach out, just when I decided to give up he reached out and I was shocked! I recall the first time we saw one another after about four (4) years apart and we had the most amazing sex! Soon after he looked at me and asked about the expression on my face; which revealed the shock of him actually being in my house, in my bedroom and in my bed. I'd thought that would never happen again and I was not only shocked, but happy! I mean, like over the Moon with happiness. 

I know the difference between loving someone and being “in” love with someone; I feel as if I learned that at an early age (I'll revisit that at another time). I think I remember when I fell in love with him many years ago; somehow the feeling hasn’t gone away. I haven't expressed my love for him, but it comes out when my thoughts drift to thoughts of him or our experiences together over the many years of knowing each other.

I often fantasize about different scenarios of encounters, it's funny because recently he mentioned being on the beach at night because that's often the setting for these encounters. I think and at times dream of us on a beach, with a blanket and the lighting of the Full Moon, with the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore; and the scent of the ocean breeze entangled with the desire we have for one another.

We talk for a bit and then he touches me on my shoulder and traces his finger down my arm until his hands are caressing my breasts and I begin to melt. He then takes a finger and slides the straps of my dress off my shoulders until I am nude under the Moonlight. I begin to undress him slowly touching his dark smooth skin until my hands land on his manhood; I start to kiss and lick his erect dick, sucking until he's about to cum. He then enters me slowly and I sigh as if it's the best feeling in the world; because to me, it is! His strokes are deliberate, focused on our pleasure; forgetting or rather not caring if anyone is around to see us; I then think of the possibility and it arouses me even more. 

We switch positions various times until we climax together. After we catch our breath we lay there for a moment and gaze at the stars while still admiring one another; my love for him grows deeper...

the Moon and a sky full of stars

For some reason I couldn't wait to start a new draft; the laughter and smoke fill the room as Scarface plays in the background. Rocko is asleep; which is great because the fireworks have been getting on his nerves. I've been out of town for the past few days so I am looking forward to going home tomorrow. It's been years since I last saw this film and it doesn't quite hold my attention, not in a bad way; just in a "it is what it is" type of way. I find myself a bit restless as said in my last post; purple clouds, I would like to be at the beach right now, but it's late and I have no one to accompany me. Rocko (my puppy) is snoring, which somehow reminded me that I need to go food shopping in the very near future; one errand that I do not always enjoy. I'm looking forward to a few things next week; such as getting my hair done and puppy sitting for a couple weeks. I've never done that before so we're going to start with a puppy play date and see how well the puppies interact with one another. I believe they will get along well as they are both spoiled and sheltered which means I'll basically treat her like I treat Rocko. My only hope is that he doesn't try or actually hump her; she's a virgin and he's already a puppy daddy of five (5). The good thing is both have been "fixed" so there's no chance of pregnancy; seeing how I can not take being a puppy midwife again. 

December 2017 my two (2) puppies, Rocko and Sasha; ran away. After a week of them being gone I was devastated and anxiety was overwhelming me so I purchased another puppy, Coco Moon. A week later I was reunited with Rocko and Sasha, I quickly took them to their vet and one of my first questions was "is she pregnant" which the response I received after the necessary exam was "no". This was January 2018, sometime in February I look out the corner of my eye after seeing something moving in the corner next to Sasha. As I turn on my bed to get a better view I yell out "a puppy!" to my surprise Sasha was giving birth if her bed in the corner of my bedroom. She went on to have three (3) more before I noticed she didn't take the same care with the last one (1) as she had done with the others, so I took her to the emergency vet and as soon as I placed her on the counter she gave birth to puppy number five (5). Instinctively, I knew something was wrong and sure enough she was having difficulty with the last puppy who later developed a hernia. It was a fulfilled, exhausting, enlightening six to eight (6-8) weeks of being a puppy grandmother and taking care of all eight (8) puppies at once. I learned of my strength during that time, I don't go into the myth of the "strong black woman" because as a black woman I am more than my strength; however I tend to downplay myself and my strength. However this situation brought that to mind as I was actually responsible for myself, my son and eight (8) puppies; the most responsibility I've ever had and I kept everyone alive! 

I've already smoked two (2) Zookies pre-rolls and in the mood to smoke another, however I am still in the clouds. I feel as if I am in my own little world in a room full of people. Joss Stone is singing and making me feel as if I've made a good decision concerning something that was on my mind for the past couple of weeks. Sade comes in and confirms it, I like when Pandora is this way; as if the Universe is speaking to me through songs. I'm burst from my bubble of aloneness as others in the room see me grooving to the music through my headphones and want to be included; so now it's playing on the television for the room to hear. The urge to write is currently conflicting with the urge to smoke since I can not do both without one suffering in a way that I do not wish to experience.  Mary J Blige is singing "be happy" and the lyrics are hitting a bit differently tonight than on other nights. I suppose as I experience happiness for one of my best friend's and his new relationship, I am forced to look at my own relationship status and how the prospects have not risen to the occasion. Although most days I enjoy being single, but times like now where it's the "wee" hours of the day and I yearn to be sitting along the shore, a companion would be a nice; someone to have to sit with me. I love being at the beach at this hour because it is nearly deserted and I can smoke without worry and just enjoy my hippie moment. 

I want to have a hippie summer this year; basically spending lots of time at the beach and smoking good weed with friends and/or family, while random music plays. Sade comes on with "bullet proof soul" and I am reminded of unpinned where I spoke of my disappointment and the lyrics to this song just fits somehow. I spent time with the Moon nearly every night last week and tonight; I'm anticipating the Super Full Moon next week as if I were a child on Christmas. as I am working on my playlist for next Sunday's show on Moon Goddess Radio. While smoking the rest of my pre-roll, Bob Marley comes on and it seems like alignment with the music as he sings "is this love?".  I feel so high I just want to go to sleep and enjoy my dreams, but the turn up isn't over so I'm up writing and watching my sleeping Rocko... I did just that, retired to my dreams and they were magnificent; now I'm broadcasting on Moon Goddess Radio for my "hump day" show. I was looking forward to doing the show this evening; mainly because it gives me something to do during the time when I'm usually bored. Listeners and followers are improving so that makes me smile. I've started the playlist for Sunday, but I need to put it together totally, good thing I still have time before I go live. 

I have been looking more into the sacral chakra and found this article helpful; especially when it speaks about this chakra being balanced can lead to a more harmonious, pleasurable and nurturing life. All of which I desire, I believe the fear is decreasing as I learn more about it and how it functions. I feel as if I'm learning to manage my sexual energy by diving into other creative outlets, such as the blogs and Moon Goddess Radio. Now I just want to find a way to incorporate painting something into the mix. I stumbled upon a quote by Paulo Coelho which says "when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you achieve it." I feel as if things I want to do are making their way to me in unique ways... I took a few days away from writing to do some introspection and welcome my house guest, which is going well. The puppies are getting along nicely and I am happy about it! I'm also happy about rekindling a relationship that I thought would never be salvaged. I've been smiling all day and thinking about this person with fond thoughts awaiting our next encounter. In the words of Ice Cube "today was like one of those fly dreams"; I keep replaying it in my mind as it was a surprise, a happy surprise! Making me wish next week was tomorrow or now to be honest. I love his company and desire his touch on my skin, it seems like when he's in my life my sacral chakra feels balanced. I get this gush of creativity in my words and expressions that I have not gotten with anyone else's energy. I could go on, but I think it would be the whiskey talking so I won't. 

Until next time,

purple clouds

"drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. you can not be improved. you have only to come to it, to know it; to realize it"

Osho

As I wrote in my most recent post I feel that same sensation today as I drink my cannabis infused coffee. This above quote makes it make sense to me as I am realizing who I am. Kamille Appreciation Day went well and I found the journals I was looking for; also, I had a great show on Moon Goddess Radio. I sit here after reading two half full journals dating back to 2014; at the time I was going through a lot while having feelings of love fill my heart and head. I used to think I needed to change so many things about myself to "become" the woman of my dreams then, one day I realized I am already that woman; it's just a matter of coming to it and knowing it for myself. Taking the day to love on myself was very delightful; I am finding it difficult to put into words. Music by Ronnie Foster is playing and I'm sitting near my patio enjoying the cool Summer breeze; at the beginning of the day I had yet to make plans, but that soon changed; I now have plans to hang out with a friend this afternoon and possibly visit with my Aunt who is in town for a few days. I will admit, I am looking forward to the weekend, maybe "turn up" with family; hang out with a friend or chill with my Mom and my puppy. I have been so indecisive lately, taking longer than usual to make decisions. I feel as if I may be a bit preoccupied with various thoughts that keep coming to mind, perhaps I should explore them. 

As I think of words I'm willing to share, my mind goes blank; so I decide to take a break from writing to spend time with a friend and wake up to the following Third Eye Chakra affirmation: "I am connected to my inner guidance and intuition. I trust in my ability to make correct decisions for myself. I open to my purpose and trust in it's unfolding. I move forward in each breath connected to my purpose. I trust in my gifts and abilities. Unlimited possibility flows to me in every moment." posted on Instagram by @the_goddess_circle_ara. I feel I read that in perfect timing as I find myself in alignment with my higher self these days. Today is a bit busier than the past few have been, but I'm excited to get moving and start the day... A few days have passed full of errands and time spent with friends and family. As I re-read the third eye chakra affirmation I was lead to find one for the Crown Chakra; which I did on the same instagram feed. It says "I honor the truth of my spirit. I open to my path on this planet. I honor the gifts that are flowing within me. I acknowledge my intuition and inner guidance. I open to my deepest wisdom. I trust in the unfolding journey in front of me." I feel as if I focus on those two (2) chakra's the most and I am intending to balance them all as the other chakra's may be feeling neglected. I feel as if I check in with the status of my chakra's on a regular basis, but at times, like now I feel as if I have abandoned them for too long. Thoughts of my Dad enter my mind as Michael Franks plays; I have fond memories as we'd often spend holiday's, birthday's and Father's Day together. This time however I am not hit by sadness as I am sure he is in a better place; not to sound cliche. 

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Southern California and I am feeling the effects of Alien OG; which are euphoria and giggles, both of which I feel at the moment. Now Nina Simone is singing and I feel relaxed and at peace within myself. I am writing these words as I broadcast Moon Goddess Radio and briefly I thought I may be doing too much yet the music is inspiring me to do so. I don't know if it's the vibe or if I'm just high or perhaps a combination of the two, nevertheless I am enjoying the day. This strain reminds me of Cherry Pie, having the same euphoric sensations and giggly effects. I feel a little jittery, which is odd because I haven't had coffee today; then I think that's probably why. I still don't know what I intend to share other than the above then I think of my plans for tomorrow deciding to stay at my Mom's with my puppy; since he is frightened by the fireworks. That's one decision made, now on to the others which I think need a bit more time to process. Pink Floyd fills the space and I feel myself elevated; exuding happiness and a love for life. The only thing I'd add would be the Moon; speaking of, I am looking forward to the Super Full Moon approximately July 12th through 15th. I love a Super Full Moon; the fullness and brightness of it is just mesmerizing often sending me to thoughts of  my dreams, goals and desires. I think that's still an area I shy away from on the blogs and my social media, desires; often when I think of desire I think soon after about sex then I think of my Sacral Chakra as it is said to control creativity as well as sexual energy. Although I know that I still find myself neglecting that particular chakra; for no reason other than fear, I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I feel as if I did not learn or hear a lot about sex while growing up. So I've learned a lot from books and some experiences, I don't know exactly what it is I fear about learning and aligning with my sacral chakra knowing the creative aspects that would be balanced.

Another day has passed and I'm celebrating the holiday, unfortunately my puppy is not enjoying the day with the fireworks and festivities. Nevertheless, I'm listening to @kingleopicasso on Amp (app) and rocking out to the music. I'm high off Zookies now, as if I'm floating in the purple clouds;  feelings of euphoria fill my being allowing me to be in bliss. Scrolling through my social media I came across a meme from @iambrillyant which said, "the fine balance between holding space for other people and learning to hold space for yourself. There is magic there." that's something I'm still learning to embody. As a former perfectionist with people pleasing tendencies I found myself placing space for others slightly before my own then wondering why a lot of my relationships had grown to be one sided. I could relate so deeply with the Stevie Wonder song, "love's in need of love today", because some days I just needed someone to treat me how I treated my loved ones; that comes up from time to time however less often because of the support system I have in place these days. Finding the magic in taking the appropriate balance of space for myself as well as no longer accepting any type of treatment with the label of friendship attached. I am now asserting myself more and my appearance seems to exude happiness as people have been asking me lately "are you happy? you look happy" or something to that effect; I enjoy it, in the past people would always ask "what's wrong?", because my facial expressions will tell on me every time. I can't hide some thoughts or my feelings because my face will expose me and have people asking "why are you looking like that? you look _____" which is usually exactly what I'm thinking or feeling about something that has occurred or been said.

Funny, I began this expression on Saturday and here we are on Tuesday and probably won't publish until maybe Wednesday. Which is still better than months, the Moon was beautiful tonight; I wanted to be at the beach but time didn't permit such an outing.  I suppose I just wanted to check in since I don't have much more to share with you all; I'm looking forward to the show scheduled for Wednesday evening in addition to my show on Sunday. I feel good, even with a few chores in need of attention. Rocko (my puppy) is doing much better now as the fireworks are coming to an end the marijuana smoke that filled the air may have contributed to his calm demeanor. I hope you all had a fun and safe holiday...

until next time

mystic brew and a blunt, or two

I woke up this morning feeling fantastic! I was bored yesterday and I couldn't figure out why, well I knew I would rather be doing something other than what I was doing yet didn't know what that was. I don't like that feeling, however it happens often, unfortunately. My coffee is too hot to drink right now, but I am anticipating the sensation of the coffee mixed perfectly with berry pie cannabis oil. The coffee is strong and the caramel macchiato creamer brings a beautiful flavor to the drink, no sugar added. I had another person tell me to write a book the other day, I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure causing me to be overwhelmed, then I re-read an expression I wrote in 2013; titled "Morning Coffee" where I quoted Toni Morrison which says "if there is a book you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it". So I'm thinking of the story I want to tell, initially I thought of doing an autobiography type of book, then I thought maybe fiction; loosely based on my life... I don't know. I intend to meditate on it for a while and see what comes to me. I will admit, I am beginning to get excited about it, remembering I jotted down some book ideas and loose character backgrounds in an old journal that I have. I'll probably revisit that at some point today. I feel inspired and encouraged; knowing that I have a different type of support than I've had in the past. Realizing I've been writing on the blogs for approximately sixteen (16) years, although the expressions from 2006- 2009 were deleted. That's a decision I regret in a sense, because I can't remember what gems may have been in those writings; but "there are no mistakes or accident's, everything happens as it should". At least that's something I tell myself often. Sometimes I think I should be a better writer by now then I remember I taught myself and I feel as if my voice is heard and my vibe is felt through my words; so I get over those insecurities and keep going.

Now I'm in the mood to smoke and since animal mints is all I have at the moment that'll be what it is. I like the mix of the two (2) strains; they make me feel uplifted, energized and with berry pie; talkative which is perfect for my radio show on Amp (app) this evening on Moon Goddess Radio. I'm currently listening to the playlist I made for last Saturday's show and I gotta say, it's a vibe. A friend suggested I make a playlist on Tidal for the show so that I can share it with others* if interested and to say that was a great idea is an understatement! I feel chipper today; not at all jittery from the coffee which is a feeling I do not look forward to when I make my coffee too strong or add maca root to the mix. I haven't had maca root in quite a while because of the effect it has on the libido; at the moment I don't need anything to increase that. As written in honesty hour (mature content) my over-active sex drive doesn't need any assistance with it's function. I remember writing about my abstinence journey; why I decided to begin it as well as how it was going (see "I've got a story to tell" from 2012 as an example). Since the occurrence described in that story I've done the Goddess Detox and made a new commitment to myself regarding self-love as well as my intentions when it comes to sexual encounters. I viewed the experience as a spiritual one; detoxing from all of the feelings, emotions and "soul ties" of all previous "sessions", I took it so seriously that I removed my beloved IUD in order to detox properly. The expression "Mermaid Life" comes to mind, as I re-read my words about sacred energy exchange (sex) and how it was my soul crying out for a deeper connection. I was also reminded why I became abstinent in the first place. I have recently abandoned "team abstinence"; however the experiences I've had since doing so have been exactly what I was waiting for. I don't even know how I got on this topic, nevertheless; there we are. 

As Jimi Hendrix sings "little wing" and scents of vanilla fill the air, I am feeling as if I am in the clouds; I took a moment to run errands before temperatures reached triple digits today. I found myself using birthday gift cards six (6) months later; I cleaned up too since the store of my choice was having a seventy-five percent (75%) off sale! I will say my day is going very well as I anticipate my "hump day" playlist scheduled for this evening at five (5 pm) pst. I changed the time for this show to take over for my stream mate @kingleopicasso who usually does a show at that time (5am & 5pm pst; Monday through Friday). That's the great thing about being on a team of friends who support, encourage and advise one another on a regular basis. I am enjoying the support as I find my numbers increasing, request(s) for mentorship as well as the process of stepping out of my comfort zones; as well as witnessing the wonderful opportunities opening up for them. I am happy; a feeling I wish to stay indefinitely. I enjoy writing and sharing in this energy because its so different from when I wrote champagne and reefer the other day. I am also looking forward to Friday evening when @darlinglandie does her "Mild Sauce Radio" show at 8:30pm pst/ 10:30 central. As I shared before on the blog, I've become obsessed with broadcasting; although I can't hear my own commentary and the app doesn't save the shows I enjoy the feedback as well as those who "call in" to the show to give such or make requests. I was recently given a suggestion to start a YouTube channel and upload videos there however I am not quite that far out of my comfort zone for that just yet.

The song "the third eye" by Roy Ayers is now playing and I feel as if I've download sacred information about myself; as if my third eye had been stimulated and opened a portal into my Soul. I love it here! Although I could not find the journal I mentioned earlier, I have a feeling it may be in one of the boxes I have yet to unpack. I did however find a book titled "all about me" which is a guided journal diving into all things pertaining to "me" (you if you decide to purchase the book). I began it years ago and decided to return where I'd left off during my impromptu Kamille appreciation day. I created this day was an ode to myself where I lather myself in self-care and self-love to show appreciation for myself. I encourage you to add that to your special days to celebrate yourself on days that are not your birthday, Mother's/Father's Day, etc. It made a world of a difference in the areas of confidence as well as my self-esteem. Showering myself with love, time, attention and positive energy on a grander level than the regular every day caring for yourself. The playlist is nearly over and I am tempted to listen to the one for this evening, but I want to experience it with the listeners so I'll need to find something else; maybe Sunday's? 

"Mystic Brew" is playing and I immediately thought of a title when I heard it; the mellow tunes fit perfectly into my mood today; light and upbeat at the same damn time. Allowing me to revisit thoughts I felt on Saturday as well as bringing new thoughts to mind as I hear it again, for the first time. I am looking forward to the "holiday" weekend; deciding what to do, but intending to have fun nevertheless. I don't know if I'll share again before the 4th, but I do intend to do my Moon Goddess Radio show on Sunday. Either way I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a happy weekend and safe 4th of July. If you have pet's please consider them as they may be fearful of the fireworks/ firecrackers and need a little extra tender love and care during the next few days, weeks or month. I know where I'm from people usually begin with fireworks in June throughout July and at times into August. At any rate, please be mindful of your fur babies. Lastly, to the cannabis community; please remember to "medicate" responsibly.

Happy "Hump" Day!

*feel free to message me on social media (@KingKamille3) for the link to a Tidal playlist of a show you may want to hear again. some playlist have additional songs which weren't available on the Amp app.

champagne and reefer

This past week I was able to have "sacred time" and I see the difference in my day, even if I return to my dreams afterwards. I've mentioned that before on the blogs; sacred time is a dedicated time for me to pray, meditate while listening to music or writing, from 4 o'clock until 6 o'clock in the morning. I love being awake when the world is asleep; I feel so connected to GOD at that time, as if it's just me and the Universe, chillin. Incorporating sacred time into my day has made a significant improvement since I began it years ago; I believe it was Queen Afua who mentioned it on a radio show I was listening to at the time and immediately I set it in my calendar for a daily event. For some reason I was lead to pull out a book from my shelf by Florence Scovel Shinn; The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn and decided to focus on the law of nonresistance. I found myself resisting the circumstances of last Monday as written on "unpinned" and thought to send a message then decided not to as my last message was clear regarding my feelings at the time. The thing with being bipolar is my feelings can change from one minute to the next; so I try my best not to say or do things out of temporary emotions. I suppose I "owe" an update regarding "unpinned"; I sent a text, basically saying I wanted to continue communicating however I was upset and stood by my words. Since the text we've spoken and saw one another... I feel as if my expectations may have been too high while I did have a "right" to feel the way I felt I may have been a bit unfair because of said expectations. I made it clear that I was single yet on some level I expected him to behave as a boyfriend would while I had no intentions of "acting" as his girlfriend. It took me a minute to put that all together, but I'm glad I did and I'm also glad our communication picked up with "a breath of fresh air" as they say. So at this stage we are working towards being friends and leaving it at that for now. 

I slept a lot yesterday; I think the past week caught up with me, now I feel rested and ready for the show. I did an impromptu show on Saturday and had quite a few listeners and new followers which was encouraging. I'm working on not flooding my instagram feed with Moon Goddess Radio promo, but it seems I'm a little obsessed. I typically don't share photos of food or selfies so it takes time and effort to find content without doing so. I realize I may need to get out of the house more, but with temperatures in the triple digits; I am not too inclined to do that. I'm comfortable inside, it's cool in here even without the air conditioner on. Saturday while doing the show I wanted to open this champagne I've had in the refrigerator for a while, but I was unable to open the bottle; which is why it's been in the fridge for so long. I think it may be burned by now so I'm tempted to throw it out; maybe a dumpster diver will find it as a treasure how they say "one person's trash...". I felt like writing this weekend however the words did not find me, until now hopefully; I feel as if there's something to express I just haven't learned what it is just yet. The music is playing and dinner has been made; funny thing, before and while cooking I was so hungry, now that it's ready my appetite seemed to have vanished. I ate anyway since all I had was a few pieces of watermelon and some juice; I feel satisfied, not full or stuffed. 

I don't have many plans for the upcoming week with the exception of a puppy play date, a nail appointment and possibly a hair appointment. So I need to find something to do to keep me occupied and out of boredom; I planned to start Queen Afua's book "Sacred Woman" accompanied by the concurrent journal. I purchased the set in mid-2018 however I've only flipped through it here and there; this time I intend to read it from cover to cover while entering the necessary information in it's journal. I think I'm in a space now where it will be beneficial to me to learn more about my feminine body and how to mesh these teachings with the knowledge and wisdom I already have about it. As I began preparing for the show I had an idea to make a drink using my Berry Pie cannabis oil or smoke some Animal Mints reefer. I was in the mood to get a little tipsy for lack of a better term. I haven't been doing much lately so the other night I felt drunk after one sip of my whiskey; of course I finished the small amount I had and was happy to be home so it wouldn't have any negative affects. 

I don't know why this expression seems difficult to write, I suppose I don't have much to say and I feel like I'm wasting such a good title for it. Right now I will admit I'm a little bored; currently listening to music and smoking, awaiting inspiration to find me and write something captivating. The truth is, I'd rather be doing my radio show or listening to my friend's @kingleopicasso or @darlinglandie's shows. I feel as if I want to be doing something creative since I have all of this energy; especially since it's still early and I slept most of the day away. I think I'm in a mood because I just thought to delete everything I've written so far and start again; unfortunately I still don't have any new words to share. Today someone approached me asking for help starting a blog and that made me smile; I suppose they've been reading the blog(s) and thought I'd be a good mentor. I've never really been a mentor before; well not on purpose so this is a new adventure for me, hopefully it goes well. I guess that's where I'll end things for now. 

Until next time...

unpinned

 “you can not repeatedly disappoint somebody & expect their energy to still crave you.”

from Facebook; name withheld for privacy

I had an experience the other day which made me mad; if you know me in real life, you'd know that I may get upset briefly, but I rarely get mad. I actually went to bed mad, which is even more unusual. I was hurt and disappointed by someone's actions; or should I say inaction. I'd gotten to the point where I was fed up so I sent a text and put my phone on "do not disturb", however I have yet (as of writing these words) to receive a response. I feel as if that person is "waiting me out" so to speak, maybe trying to allow my anger to pass before engaging; not knowing that is only making things worse. I think in this day and age, more and more, people take kindness and patience for granted. Everyone's so quick to "ghost" people that when someone actually gives second and at times third or forth chances they are seen as a doormat or something. I don't know, I can't speak for those types of people. I just know as the quote above says, you can not continue to disappoint someone and expect them to still want you. No matter what feelings or emotions were attached; doing such things will only sever whatever relationship you (speaking in general) were attempting to build. I made a promise to myself after being "ghosted" that I would no longer participate in such childish behavior (in my opinion) and I intend to stick to it. However I did begin to put together a playlist for my radio show then decided I did not want to give it that much energy yet after speaking with a friend who said it was necessary, I said I would sleep on it.

I am a strong believer in the saying "if they wanted to, they would have" that's something that I've shared with the above mentioned person on occasion and was gaslit into thinking there was someone wrong with that perception; however I truly believe "people make time for what they want to" and if a person isn't making time for you it's because they simply don't want to. Realizing or recognizing that may be hurtful initially however it gives you clarity. It allows you to see what may be a priority to them and if you are not one of those priorities you should act or adjust yourself accordingly. Seeing how I typically have much time on my hands I am a bit more understanding than I probably should be concerning others time management skills or lack thereof, however I to have my limits. I think I will do a playlist and broadcast a show surrounding how I feel as a therapeutic outlet for these feelings. Although this was not a relationship  in a sense it was; so I feel as if this may be a break-up of sorts. It's true, I'm single; however when you spend each day communicating with someone over a period of time you or should I say "I" tend to form attachments and feel strongly when my needs aren't being met. Since we were merely "talking" I feel as if I shouldn't give it too much of my energy, however I must transmute it in order to move on. I feel as if I am doing that with this expression as well as the fact that I made the playlist. I think it came out good so I intend to broadcast on Moon Goddess Radio this Thursday; at 8 o'clock pm (pst). 

In other news...

I had a beautiful weekend, that is until the above occurred. Well, let me back up a bit; I had fun doing my radio show on Saturday then Sunday came. I was reminded that it was Father's Day and I felt a way about not being able to "celebrate" my Dad, which made me sad. I found other things to do to help improve my mood and I thought, "my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad." which helped a lot! I could hear his laugh and found myself smiling. Monday I had a great day at the beach; I usually go to Manhattan Beach, but since my friend and I were with his friend from out of town we went to Venice. I don't remember the last time I was there; we walked the boardwalk, grabbed lunch and sat on the beach near the shore listening to music and watching the Sun set. My type of day! Tuesday was another story because of "the mean reds" which took a lot of time, effort and energy to overcome. That is until I listened to my friend's radio show on Amp (app); where he expressed a roller coaster of emotions through music and it was quite therapeutic. Inspring me to do the same with the energy I found myself in. Now I'm back on my cloud and I'm feeling good; a good drive with a great playlist will do that for me every time. I believe I've given enough time and energy to that situation and I am ready to move forward knowing that I did my best.

I hope you all are having a great week thus far and if given the opportunity check out @kingleopicasso's 5am (pst) wake and bake or 5pm (pst) traffic jam sets followed by my show on the same app (Amp) scheduled for 8pm (pst). I hope you join us; in the meantime "thank you" for showing so much love to my other blog it's truly appreciated. I still find it fascinating that so many of you have stuck with me through the years and are witnessing me grow; especially those of you who have been here from the beginning. I am truly grateful that you find my words helpful in some way. It's officially Summer! I don't know how I intend to spend my Summer, but I am looking forward to the "turn up" I plan to attend for Independence Day. I do plan to continue sharing more as I've done this month; I feel as if I'm finding my flow and each expression has been coming together almost effortlessly. So let's make the best of the next few days until we can enjoy another weekend with all the joy that brings.

on my cloud

"be who you need"

unknown

I often joke saying "I need a Me in my life"; when I began saying that years ago I wasn't fully sure what I meant. As time went on and I experienced a particular level of aloneness I felt as if I didn't have a person in my life who checks on me the way I check in with others. After reading a meme recently, which said, "I wanna meet myself from another person's point of view and experience my own energy." I understand my joke a little more now than when I originally thought it, during that time is when I first learned about the concept of self-care and self-love and I began to drench myself in those things before they became "buzz words". I learned to listen to my thoughts as they may become my feelings and/or emotions; to listen to my heart as it knows what I need at any given moment and to listen to my Soul as it guides me through the unknown. By doing so I can observe my behaviors and manage myself in a way that is acceptable to me; although I am not perfect, I do attempt to be my authentic self; the good, bad and the flawed. The bad and acknowledging my flaws are teachable moments for me, looking at myself and knowing what is no longer serving me has been something that I've learned to do within the past hmmm twelve (12) years maybe. I read another quote which says "be who you needed when you were younger", author unknown; and although I am not a huge part of the lives of many young people I do try to impart the wisdom from my "hard knocks" to them in hopes that they may avoid certain pitfalls I was not savvy enough to escape. I wrote on Trust Issues vs.Intuition about how encouraging and motivating I am towards others yet did not extend that same level of care to myself, that was in late 2012; nearly ten (10) years ago. As I look back I can see a huge difference in how I treated myself then. as opposed to how I am with myself now. 

As I re-read old posts on the other blog this morning I was drawn to an expression I wrote in 2014 titled, Today's Color Therapy where I wrote about having "the blues" I did not expound on why they were there and I do not remember, however I did touch on a technique I'd learned in therapy which still helps today; color therapy. The past few days were some that "Holly Golightly" (see the film, "Breakfast at Tiffany's") would call "the mean reds" and I am not completely sure why; I thought I was just having a Mercury Retrograde day then realized Mercury had gone direct some time ago. I then thought perhaps it was one of those Junkie Days where I expressed my feeling towards being put on "drugs" to cope with my life. At the time I only took medications for anxiety and depression; now the conditions along with the medications have increased in number and I feel a way about that. At times skipping my daily dosage and focusing more on holistic remedies. I don't do that often as I know the consequences of it yet I still feel a way about "needing" drugs to deal with my life since the onset of these conditions. Early on one of the doctors I saw informed me that once you deal with an anxiety attack that forms into a disorder you will deal with it indefinitely. Even the memory of that conversation brings the feelings back as if it were yesterday and I am cautious not to allow it to spiral out of my control. I've been hospitalized quite a few times due to episodes of mental illness and the experiences left me with no desire to be in that position again.  So I take my "drugs" and allow them to maintain my particular level of sanity. Writing has always been therapeutic; however discovering my love for painting and now broadcasting has given me the feelings of optimism, cheerfulness and encouragement. Moods I needed to help pull me out of my funk; along with sets from my friend KingLeoPicasso's (follow him on Amp's app as well as social media) radio station a few times this week. 

Today I am in a space where I am thankful for the support I have and the encouragement to continue expressing my gifts (or is it talent?) with the world, outside my window. As I read an expression from 2013, Morning Coffee I feel inspired; I even intend to take a walk with my puppy (Rocko) even if it's just to the store a few blocks away. I've finished my coffee and find myself debating if I want another cup; I do, so I remember to microdose the Berry Pie cannabis oil due to the fact I already had some with my first cup. Followed by my "wake and bake" with Animal Mints flower; needless to say, I'm feeling good, just the vibe I want to continue as I prepare for my broadcast this evening on Moon Goddess Radio on Amp (app). I decided to roll a blunt, something I haven't done in a long while as I switched to smoking joints for some odd reason. The coffee is brewing and the blunt is rolled so I sit awaiting the next words that will find themselves on the page...

I remember deleting a ton of posts prior to making my other blog public in 2012; the first I shared publicly was "How Did I Get Here?".  I now regret deleting them; I began blogging in approximately 2006, I think. So imagine how many posts I really had versus the two hundred-seventy one (271) on there and sixty plus (60+) on here currently. I allow that thought to pass as I feel it bringing me to a lower vibration than I was moments before it came. I will admit, one thing I've observed from writing and going back to read previous expressions I find them to be quite uplifting to me. Not all of them, but the ones where I was able to tap into the feelings in which I wrote the words and remember my intentions at the time... 

I feel as if I began this post one way and it took a turn into something altogether different, it almost feels all over the place, but in my current condition I like it. I don't intend to censor this expression as this is the way it came to me. I am reminded of when I realized how I had grown so deeply in love with myself; not in a narcissistic way but the way in which I wrote about on "Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon". From my experience it was once I became the Me I needed consistently I am beginning to see and attract those same attributes from others. I am happy to say that I have those in my life now who check on me, take the time and energy to listen, share interests as well as encourage me to continue along this journey I find myself on. At times surprising me because it is so vastly different from how my life used to be; I don't see the need to follow that train of thought so I switch my focus to the song currently playing, "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth. I find my fascination with marijuana humorous at times; I think I love weed in the same way as the Moon and the beach. Which reminds me to make arrangements to visit the beach this week at least once while it's nearby, I'd love to do Wednesday's broadcast from there if it makes sense at the time. As I am beginning to share more I think it's profound how the previous expressions come to mind as I am writing and tie into the things I am conveying at the time. At times allowing me to anticipate my next expression to see where it takes me as I am reminded of the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. 

This year, specifically this month I decided to introduce my writing on the blogs and other social media to my family and some friends who had not known that part of me. I was nervous because it's one thing to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with you all; seeing how the majority of you do not know me personally. After doing so it seems as if I've released the fear of being seen or known by those closest to me. It's as if I am finally able to channel my core self into my writing and I feel free to be myself and allow myself to be completely transparent; doing things like sharing consistently and broadcasting a radio show. I've shared that with a few people and they were surprised just as I was; however very supportive and encouraging; just like with the blogs. So I'd like to take a moment and say "Thank you, to my family and friends for your support; it means the world to me!" Now with a few hours left before I go live on Amp (app) I am feeling great regarding the fact that I've been able to compose an expression in one sitting as I mentioned in no drafts as opposed to taking days, weeks or at times months to complete them. Who would have thought the person I needed is the person I am becoming more and more with each day; experience, decision and accomplishment... 

I pray you all have a wonderful weekend celebrating Father's Day as well as Juneteenth; as always remember to celebrate responsibly. I intend to spend mine on my cloud; I hope you join me.

Kamille 💗✨