I think you need love

"Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." 

William Shakespeare

I wrote an expression about adversity prior to learning this quote yet when I read it I knew it was the sentiment I wanted to capture. During a conversation recently I recognized the generations after the 1980's are different. I've longed for the moment I step fully into wisdom; I recall a time when I had young adults in my presence and I'd attempt to provoke thought and confidence. Life happened and we went our separate ways to later get a "Thank you..." email acknowledging the wisdom I'd instilled throughout our journey together. Wisdom to understand perhaps why things may not make sense, but are necessary. To embrace the uncomfortable is not an easy feat, especially when it feels as if life is knocking you around.

As George Bernard Shaw said: "youth is wasted on the young", to gain knowledge which turns to wisdom would be a great asset to have while you're young enough to benefit from it. Having wisdom late in life is great; at least it used to be, as you could educate the youth of the pitfalls and folly to avoid and helpful things like how to maximize opportunities. I may have overshared in the draft I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure; I just know I have doubts about publishing that one. I believe I am experiencing a phase of this life that blindsided me in a why I am trying to figure out. I am looking within and acknowledging the errors of this era, but I feel as if there may be more to this picture than I initially suspected. 

At least I pray it's a phase and I can come out of this with my dreams accomplished and a spirited story to share. I also may have over done it the past few days with the reefer. If not for the way I choose my strains I would probably be upside-down to some extent of the phrase. I feel like my inner-brat is peeking her head out trying to remind me of the days of old when I'd pout and stomp my feet for something to change [for the better]. I don't think the Universe responds to such behavior. I simply want this "trials and tribulations" section of the story to be over. Not suggesting I am ready for the "happily ever after", but something in-between. 

To my surprise I am quite talkative this past few days. I now realize it may have been the energy of the New Moon approaching or perhaps Uranus Retrograde [both of which have begun since beginning this expression]. Maybe it's a combination of all the goings on in my life and the Universe at this time? After refreshing my memory in regard to Uranus as well as the New Moon and their effects I got the sense that I am on the right path, for me. Although this last situation I find myself in concerning the stroke and its aftermath leaves with me a lot of questions. So much so, I've researched a therapist and will take the necessary steps to begin therapy in the very near future. 

I say I felt as if I am on the right path because of my intuition, which is funny because I was just saying I need to trust my intuition quicker than I have been. I am still learning how intuition works and how to understand what my mind, body and/or soul is bringing to my attention. In the recent past I "had a feeling" I should leave a place on a certain day, then at the last minute I decided to stay another day; well that was a bad idea because from the transition of night to day something happened. Another time "I felt a way" resulting in a conversation with my primary care only to later self diagnose and cancel the appointment. Now post-stroke I had to reschedule said appointment; perhaps had I kept the first appointment there would be no need for an appointment now? 

At times I have stopped myself mid-sentence when the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts come into the mix. Today I suppose I needed to hear them out and see why I feel what could be surviver's guilt; about a few things that I have not been able to work out on my own. When I was hospitalized the doctor and nurses were contently telling me how much better off I was than some of the other patients; I was on the stroke floor. I understand putting things into perspective, however, dismissing or devaluing a person's experience because "it coulda been worse" is infuriating.  I mean, it coulda been better; and what's wrong with saying so? It shoulda been better, yet I am still acknowledging that it woulda been better had I done some things differently. 

I want to smoke cigarettes, but I keep finding reasons not to buy my brand and I refuse to smoke anyone else's. Each time this comes up I speak with a friend about it and she offers reinforcements to keep me on the ex-cigarette smoker side of life. The strain of choice these days has been "Cherry Runtz" which contains one of my favorites; "Cherry Pie".  It gives a sense of happiness and relaxation while also giving the scents of a lovely day; I can not put into words what that smells like because it's a feeling,  A feeling that makes me smile a bit, enough to recognize a moment in happiness. That doesn't happen often, feelings of being happy. Like, what is happy? 

Actually looking at the definition I find myself thinking of happiness as something attributed to the fortunate. I use the words "glad" a lot and "joy" often, not relating them to happiness.  I am experimenting with the dosage for the marijuana; I feel as if I am smoking too much in too short of a time span. So the effects gradually come upon me and before I know it I'm too high. Which is why I want to smoke cigarettes; interrupting reefer with tobacco helps me because I can still enjoy smoking without all of the same effects. However, that's still not enough reason to regress. 

I took a moment and thought about how realistic it would be for me to return to college in the Spring and truthfully I find it a but out of reach; unless the issue causing my vision to be impaired is resolved by the time I have to register. I am hopeful. While attempting to give myself a bit of grace, I thought maybe I can go back next Fall? I think that would be more realistic, especially after the year I've had. I figure it is going to take some time to recover from bad health, cancer and a stroke; God forbid I experience any more trauma this year, I feel as if I've been "taught" enough. 

The ideology of life is full of lessons is a bit confusing to me; it's as if we're being taught for unexpected, at times unprovoked "lessons" that's supposed to teach what exactly? The thought of fairness comes to mind which questions "who said life would be fair?" Again checking the dictionary, one definition speaks of being "tolerably good" and I believe since technically none of us "asked" to be here, why would we be unworthy of at least things being tolerably good? Such as when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where "bad behavior" is tolerated and a person then grows older unable to set and reinforce necessary boundaries in their life. Perhaps even "learning" that said behavior may be interpreted as love or passion. 

Finally shining a light onto some of the bad behavior I've endured throughout this lifetime I don't think it's too much to ask for a bit of good, not just tolerable good; but the good that is described as happy. I feel as if I have embraced sorrow and "sour adversity" for far too long, A childhood of abandonment followed by young adulthood of struggle a few pleasant years and now illness. I am not a person who rejoices in having the happy times in the afterlife, all that "when I get to heaven..." talk while experiencing what feels like "hell". There's million of people on the internet claiming to know the way of the Universe; I will admit, I am still learning and somedays I feel as if I am learning from scratch.

From scratch meaning as if I haven't been studying the Universe for the past fifteen years. Then I think, "how long is fifteen years in the grand scheme of the age of the Universe?" A drop in an ocean... Speaking of ocean, I thought of visiting the beach on two occasions and opted out due to the holiday and large crowds. I feel as if I must schedule a visit someday soon as my soul is yearning to meet nature in a soothing way. I do not remember my days as a baby, but I feel as if there may have been a lot of self-soothing ones, I imagine crying until I figured out why and decided to stop. I could be wrong, I hope I am; but I've seen pictures. Nonetheless that's what I'd expect. These days I want a life filled with romanticized circumstances;  allowing myself the space to be soft.

As a black woman I find throughout my life I have been labeled "strong", even in childhood; not completely allowed to be soft. Then to grow older under the "strong, independent woman" trope I felt as if I did not break free until I experienced a break down. Prioritizing spirituality followed by mental health and now the whole being feels like juggling too many balls in the air; one or a few are bound to fall and in this point in life I do not have the privilege of any one of these balls dropping. My spirituality is very important to me however I have to believe that my physical health is just as important for different reasons. 

Learning to appreciate life at a certain age is different from when I was in my youth. I took too many things for granted and perhaps I am now "paying" for them? Our minds have this need to make sense of things, even in things that don't make sense. Or are these apart of those life lessons you don't know how to study for? I am tired and ready to enjoy as much of life as I have left. I want to experience extended joy, happiness and would like to see that in the lives of those I love. Since I've been ill this year, I've been shown the difference in someone saying "I love you" opposed to someone showing their love for you.  Finally getting to a space to accept some will only say the words without putting it into action; and there isn't anything wrong with that. 

I am surrounding myself with those who show love on a regular basis, not just when something tragic happens. I am healing that space within which would long for the days of being in some circles; feeling I'd finally be embraced although that was never shown as a possibility. Acceptance is a funny thing, one minute you're pondering "why...?" and the next you recognize, they just don't like me or we just don't mesh on that level; and that's okay. Sometimes it takes a while for me to acknowledge when things are nonreciprocal, but when I do, I move forward. I am currently in that space, giving myself grace and learning to understand my imperfections and showing myself love. I need more of that.  

dresses with pockets and polka dots

So the appointment went well and I am in much better spirits than I have been for the past couple of weeks. Slowly recognizing grief along with an emergency coming [somewhat] out of the blue caught me off guard; as if dealing with cancer wasn't enough... Nevertheless, life goes on apparently. 

It's interesting how something this major allows one to appreciate some things that may be so minor to someone else; such as the ability to drive to a nail appointment or to the beach on a beautiful afternoon. Those sights and emotions attached are something I want to experience until my final days, the energy of both are "out of this world" for me. 

I am grateful for the fact I was unaware of the stroke with one exception; a glitch with my vision. Aside from that there were no other signs of its occurrence, which says a lot as far as strokes' go. I am thankful to have better options than early on whereas the first doctor suggested things being irreparable with very little research into the matter. I am appreciative for the many prayers, well wishes and positive energy on my behalf from those who love and care for me. 

I made a few changes when it comes to boundaries and sticking with them. As this time of year approaches and I have much to reminisce over, I am choosing to take this time to focus on myself rather than being so easily accessible. Taking the necessary time and energy for self-care, self-improvement, healthcare and the like. I thought I was doing fairly well with the exception of some health needs as the primary focus had been on getting cancer in remission. 

I was almost jokingly telling a couple of people about how I stopped smoking [about a pack and a half a day], changed some eating habits and that's when I have a stroke? Seems a bit odd; then I considered the lasting effects of such behaviors and as my body and mind had the ability to slow down from the "busy" life I was leading prior to cancer. Perhaps the damage was done and I slowed down enough for it to catch up with me?  

Summer is my least favorite time of year to visit the beach; too many people and anxiety, not the right combination for what I consider a good time. Then I thought I would have to give up driving, which was yet another reason I was devastated and depressed for approximately two weeks. That's when this all began, about two weeks ago; literally in a blink of an eye. Things are good then they're not. It's so clichè to get on a "soap box" encouraging others to be mindful of their health after finding myself in such predicament having to reconsider some things I am exhausted from having them apart of my daily life. Medication, daily is not the life I would have signed up for.

I expressed these thoughts when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, so much so I explained to the doctor I did not want to be prescribed medication after medication based on the side effects of one causing issues resulting in another. Yet here we are, with that being the case with my health scaring me left and right. I have an appointment with my primary care physician this week and I intend to discuss the matter with her and see if we can reach a compromise. 

I've been on cherry slurpie for quite some time, all Summer; I think. I'd put in on the list near Golden Ticket or Blue Dream for various reasons. It takes a lot of effort to be grateful and such when you're sick; yet I don't feel as if I am special for doing that. I feel as if some people are able to achieve those emotions without much effort, that's special. However, as stated on the previous expression Capricorn's are known to be pessimistic I find it special that I've learned to tap into the other elements of my natal chart in order to blend my personal solar system into something unlike my nature with what comes with a bit of ease [as it's been a practice for some time now]. 

On the bright side [no pun intended] I've spent time with the Moon in her various phases while dealing with the happenings of the past couple of weeks. She brings me peace and a sense of love that I only get when connected to the Moon. Without the beach and a few other pleasures I am finding the effort to find acceptance quickly and to my satisfaction news came in as I heard it in my meditations and prayers. 

One of my favorite dresses has polka dots and pockets, it's also a long maxi dress; another favorite. Today was like my favorite polka dot dress with pockets. The past couple weeks I've been focused on my health [mental, physical, financial, emotional, etc.] realizing I've been putting bandages on some real wounds that need serious attention, discipline and a better awareness. For the past fifteen years spirituality was on the forefront of my mind. Making sure to stimulate my pineal gland and "speaking life into my higher self"; at one point choosing to be abstinent until I felt aligned with my lover.

At another point smoking sativa for about five consecutive years not fully understanding how that would affect my "third eye" and such. I've long outgrown the ideology of thinking a conscience lifestyle should be all "blue skies and rainbows" or "positive energy only"; had I been in that mind-frame I would be even more devastated with the happenings of the past few years. I actually acknowledged all the goings on of the past twelve years: anxiety attack, diagnosis (anxiety disorder/ depression), housing insecurity, mental health issues, automobile accidents, passings of loved ones, bipolar disorder diagnosis, passing of my Dad, cancer and finally a stroke; like why am I under attack? 

At times I am truly surprised when I awake in the mornings, I make sure to say "Good Morning ☀️" to my Mom, Rocko (my emotional support animal) and a few other loved ones daily. Whereas a few others I may not speak with daily, but I know some of them know what they mean to me should that day come when I wake up unalive. I am actively putting things in pace for that occurrence unlike days of old when I'd begin and not finish what needs to be completed. 

An advance directive is one of the final steps to complete and I've been stalling for the past seven years that it's been brought to my attention that it's necessary. Anyway, I'll take care of it soon. Now to something more uplifting, like this weed... They say a good sign of life is to have a healthy sexual appetite so I feel as if things are looking up; it's been all over the place, but thoughts of my lover consume me. My desires are nearly overflowing and in a sense I love it, the thought of allowing the thirst to be quenched [sigh] I'm not ready for that just yet. I feel as if it's keeping me alive.

Something to look forward to, I've shared many times before; how having things to look forward to keeps me in good spirits especially now that my mortality is in question. There we go again, ending up on the mortality aspect of things. It's as if I can't shake the thoughts of that topic. I don't wish to be a person who is contently speaking of their ailments and the unhappiness it can cause. I am choosing to be as happy as I can be; under the circumstances. Making the "best" out of this thing called "life".   

last night I got too high...

Many lives have been lived these past few months, I feel as if I am in the middle of one with another on the horizon. Unfortunately, I suffered a stroke recently and some things are still out of sorts. I've been in prayer and meditation a lot since this trauma expressed itself though my being; nonetheless, I left the hospital with a plan and thus far it's falling into place. The outcome however isn't in my hands, as much as I can attempt to manifest, the final "say so" belongs with God. 

This past week I recognized I had been in grief since approximately last winter, in all honesty I may have been functioning in grief since my Dad passed away some years ago. I don't believe I'll go into much detail today, however I will say some things made me forget about this for a bit and enjoy my life and the abilities that remain. I don't know much about stroke's, however, I do understand they operate at various capacities [and I consider myself blessed that the one I experienced did not take me out...}. The fact the ability to write has not been altered. I praise God for abilities that remained while learning to accept should the outcome be what it is. 

Music, reefer and the words of my heart... I've never felt this particular way before. There's something to be said of the level of balance I consider myself being in the face of a life changing consequence. It's almost as if during the experience [of having a stroke]  I found myself knee deep in grief, I was not able to gaslight myself into believing something other than that truth. So rather than staying in shock and denial I prayed, meditated, spoke with a few loved ones and found the space to make peace with alternative outcomes. 

Facing such life altering decisions within a short period of time has been overwhelming, to say the least. I had a few "woe is me" moments, but I wouldn't allow them to form a "pity party"; I realized that may be far deeper than I have the capacity to engage. Some depths are distractions at times while other explorations are necessary for growth. I thought I had evolved beyond certain things as I've been in therapy for the past 12 years [and counting]... That's the thing about grief, you think you're okay, but you're not then something cracks a tear and before I know it I'm in tears about so many things. I haven't experienced an anxiety attack since around this time in 2017. I've had several, on various frequencies causing different responses along with areas within seeking my awareness, hearing out the inner-child who has some things to resolve. While the woman I strive to be, figures out where to lead me along the "right" path to achieve the dreams placed in my heart and mind. 

As a Capricorn [Sun Sign], it is rather easy to be pessimistic, not wishing or worrying about the undesired outcome, it is perhaps figuring out how to make things work with the least. I've had to do that for so long it's like second nature; however I am in a space where I desire to live life as I see it in my thoughts and dreams as opposed to the reality I am impacted by often. It was in this moment I wondered if I'd gotten too high, I felt anxiety creeping in, but I was determined to remain in good spirits for as long as I could. Tuesday I have an appointment where I am expecting things to be put into perspective and I'll leave with options to consider. Attempting to lift poor spirits for nearly a week is taking all the mental, physical and emotional gymnastics I can muster up each day. Especially with pending treatment decisions to be made in the conversation of cancer. 

I have a title, the music is doing what I need it to; as well as the reefer and now.... the munchies.

higher

"never lose hope, my heart, miracles dwell in the invisible."

   Rumi

I found myself in a questionable space mentally once I completed chemotherapy and learned of other steps recommended for treating my conditions. They are recommending another surgery and to be honest, now is not the time. There was a brief moment when I reconsidered undergoing radiation treatment, after discussing it with my doctor I decided to complete it with the intention I won't experience many of the negative side effects. It's mainly the fatigue and body aches that wear me out and keep me from having a more active life. It's been approximately six months since the surgery and about a month since completing chemotherapy; I feel as if I am just beginning to have more better days than before, that is until I had a fall recently. I had so much difficulty getting up from the ground, filled with embarrassment I had no choice but to do my best to overcome the situation and move forward with the day. Too many stairs or a long walk can take my breath away whereas there was a time when I'd walk five miles a day just because; nowadays I long for those excursions. I miss my old life; true I probably wouldn't have the wisdom I have now, but on days like today I miss it real bad. Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, I just long for a more self sufficient lifestyle and I don't know when or if I'll get back to that. The feeling of discouragement fills me and I don't know how to shake it in this moment. The idea of smoking another joint comes to mind, making me think I can push past these trivial thoughts and find out what's at the bottom of these feelings.

The joint of choice has been Snickerdoodlez, unfortunately there isn't much information about the strain online however, the high is quite peaceful and focused as if it clears my mind of all the chatter allowing me to see my thoughts clearly. While looking online for information I decided to locate one of my favorites, Cherry Slurpie; another strain without information. Nevertheless both are great with mental clarity, calmness as well as moments of happiness and creativity. After ordering Cherry Slurpie I find myself excited and a bit eager to pick them up, but I am still in the planning stages of my day; I knew I wanted to write something and possibly visit the beach, other than that it's still up in the air... Errand to the dispensary, lunch, a nap and now I'm back.  Or so I thought, many days and joints later I am actually back to figure out what's on my mind and in my heart to share. After looking a bit deeper into the idea of hope I realize there are other words I prefer however, the concept is the same. My desire [hope] requires a miracle and the idea of hoping for it to happen with the uncertainty that it will leaves me a little uncomfortable. Then I saw a meme which said "a major part of manifesting is believing you're worthy of what you're asking for." I will admit I was a bit perplexed; because I thought I believed I was worthy until I read that sentence and discovered there's a part of my self which feels unworthy of the miracles I pray for [often]. 

Oftentimes I am in the presence of those who criticize, critique and/or complain more than express optimism or give compliments. I recognized that in my youth, choosing to be optimistic took a lot of determination especially coming from the environments I grew up around. I believe my subconscious mind is so used to the negative or an expectation opposite of my prayers that on some level I don't truly believe I will manifest the life of my dreams. Feeling unworthy due to limiting beliefs based on the surroundings and circumstances I've survived in this life [thus far]. For a moment I thought who would I talk to in regard to overcoming limiting beliefs then the thought of booking a session with my tarot reader came to mind. Making sure to send a text before it slipped my mind, hopefully I'll have a session this week so I should think of some things I'd like insight on. The idea of returning to a higher consciousness brings many things to mind, most of which I know I should be implementing yet haven't, I realize out of self sabotage. Brings me to question how I learned to make a habit of sabotaging myself, perhaps it was taught during my upbringing; unfortunately I won't know because I don't recall most of it. What I do know is breaking habits takes a lot of effort and I suppose it's never too late to grow in the areas a person feels it's necessary.

As I ash my joint the thought comes to mind that I have only smoked two cigarettes since my surgery in January, both of which I "bummed" from someone and it wasn't my brand; they were disgusting! Since I refuse to buy my brand I have committed to being [cigarette] smoke free indefinitely. The significance of that coming to mind as I speak about efforts and changing habits, there was a time when considering not smoking cigarettes was impossible to believe. I could not see myself not smoking them until the days then months passed where I didn't. I'm still learning to trust my self [intuition] and believe I am capable, seeing how I do things that seem like miracles to me pretty often; for example I drove to Northern California recently, as I thought of the six plus hour drive each way I nearly talked myself out of it then I realized I could do it a little at a time. I ended up driving three hours before stopping both ways. Another thing I did was return to college all these years later and was doing very well, until cancer/ chemotherapy. I am learning to celebrate my accomplishments, no mater how small they may seem to someone else; the fact that I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and getting things done that I thought I couldn't is cause for a celebration [even if I am the only one celebrating]. 

The thought of the steps I'd like to take to get myself to a place where I am well seems overwhelming in this moment, but if I take it like I did the road trip not doing everything at once; instead I can implement things in stages. Rather than attempt to tackle everything at once and burn out, I can start with a few things then add on as they become routine. I think that may be the strategy for success, as well as a couple books on habits I've been meaning to read. Taking a moment to search the blogs to see if I've written anything on the topic and I found an expression written in 2021, titled "high" which was in alignment with some of the things I've mentioned here. Another expression, written much earlier [2015] I wrote about "habits" and although I was vague, I can somewhat recall what was on my heart at the time. In some aspects I am still that woman, longing for these dreams to manifest; while some have come to pass here and there the main ones [life changing] are still brewing in the Universe awaiting something to bring it into this reality. 

My intention is to join the gym a month or so after I complete radiation therapy; I figure by then I'll be able to access the body ache and fatigue, if any. Allowing me to rebuild the strength in my body while possibly getting "in shape" the way I imagine myself. I am excited to witness my hair growth and looking forward to discovering it's texture, as many say it changes after chemotherapy. Something else I am looking forward to is traveling, I've taken short trips here and there but I am not ready for long flights. I feel so confined this year, surgery then chemotherapy and radiation; bound to few places yet mostly at home. I feel the need to stretch out and feel the wind and the ocean breeze with no tasks or errands and appointments to tend to. I've also decided to take a break from college until Spring, I want to give my body a fresh start or perhaps a new beginning is a better way to phrase it? A reset is much needed which allows me to figure out how to navigate from where I am currently into the woman I dream to be. That's where worthiness and miracles come back into the conversation; how does someone strengthen their sense of worthiness? 

hope, wishes and prayers

I saw the Moon; she was bright, beautiful, and almost Full...

Days have passed since writing those words and the train of thought has since escaped me, the Moon is now Full and I have planned a visit to the beach. I realized it's been too long since I've seen the Ocean; and prior to the other day it had been too long since I'd seen the Moon. Once I felt the beams of the Moon on my being I instantly felt balanced. During errands I found a strain I'd only discovered some months ago; unfortunately, I was unable to find any information, but it's called Cherry Slurpie. The effects seem to be uplifted and focused with a hint of arousal or perhaps creativity. 

4 joints later and I don't know what I'd like to share, the music is playing and the air is filled with smoke. 

Easily distracted, I am unsure why I find myself doing things other than writing; it's as if my thoughts are jumbled and I am fearful of what I want to say, although I don't know what that is as of yet. Between the music, smoking, social media and games on my phone it doesn't take much to take my attention away from putting words on the page. Now the urge to return to my dreams comes to mind, usually I would take the bait and dream of my lover or my life post lottery winnings. Today was no different. I had hoped to get on a roll with writing that I could outwit the desire to sleep, but I was unsuccessful. My dreams were nice; leaving me longing for my lover and the lottery. 

As suspected following the final chemotherapy treatment I am beginning to feel better, but with radiation therapy quickly approaching I am uncertain how to feel or how I will feel in the weeks to come. I will admit I am looking forward to these days being in the past and the new life I intend to co-create for myself. When the thought of co- creating my life with God I am conflicted as to the current standing of my life and the level of happiness I find from day to day. On average, with the perfect strain I can find happiness each day; yet some days are more difficult than others and I am attempting to make peace with those days. 

In my daily life I use the words "wish" and "hope" a lot, recently finding fault in hope; as if it is along the same line as "potential" with my thoughts on that word associated with a trap for disappointment. When I think of occurrences from the past when I thought something had the potential to be good for me I was often disappointed. I've been experiencing that with hope lately, finding myself hoping for a positive outcome only to find another hurdle to overcome. I think with wishing there is no urgency tied to the wish; because that's the fantasy of it all.  

With my wishes, I believe they will come true; however, the good thing about a wish is there's no time table for when it will appear, like a prayer. Feelings of happiness engulfs me as I take toke after toke of this Cherry Slurpie strain; I want this feeling to stay for as long as possible. It's been a long time since I've felt a sense of happiness, even with the way my life has twisted and turned since 2012. One wish I often make in jest is the wish of going back in time to "correct" some errors in my thinking and/or decision making in those moments. That's what I mean when I say the fantasy of it all; although it may be a valid wish, there is no way for it to come to pass [as far as I know]. 

In my prayers, I wish for a better life; leaving hope to the side I desire to be whole in every aspect of the word. A life of making the best of the least, always "surviving" or overcoming something, the feeling that there's never "enough" is tiring. All while hoping for a life saver to rescue you then learning that hope will leave you disappointed and at times a bit jaded. I believe my prayers will come to pass because some of them already have, the bigger ones I believe may take some time, but I feel I will vibrate at the frequency where those things reside and by then I will have the wisdom to multiply and sustain that which I have prayed for. 

A bit afraid that I won't find this strain again for some time, I am debating purchasing more just in case. The debate didn't last long as it's clear to me that if this strain is as beloved as I feel it is, there's no such thing as too much so I placed my order. Recognizing that today is Rocko's birthday; I feel as if I've been celebrating for him these past few days. Another reason to have enough reefer on hand. Rocko seemed to have a good day, much like most days for him; I cannot imagine him having a bad day [with the exception of when he ran away for some time [but that's a story for another day]. 

More time has passed as well as joints smoked, I feel as if I am floating; the Moon is Full for another night and I feel the effects of the atmosphere. I've been smoking consistently since discovering this strain was available on Tuesday. Feeling "over the Moon" and playful, unfortunately there is nothing playful to do these days as I anticipate the latest treatment scheduled for next Thursday. I was supposed to take a nap after errands, but I forgot and made plans to pick up more pot, so the nap has to wait. The idea of a beach trip sounds good however, paranoia overwhelms me when I smoke alone at the beach in the day time. Perhaps if I wait until night, but then I don't necessary like going to the beach at night by myself. 

Times like these I wish I had a 420-friendly friend who could or should I say would accompany me to the beach on this beautiful spring night and smoke a joint or a few. I suppose that's wishful thinking, because I don't know the last time I had such a friend where the company was better than being paranoid and alone with myself. As a woman of a certain age I often wonder how do we make new friends? To my surprise after nearly 10 years I met a new friend while some friends I've known for more than 20 years have been demoted to associate or something of that nature. It's funny how things like that happen, now I need friends in the city where I reside or very close to it. 

I suppose I may set an intention to meet people I can connect with as far as a hike or a beach day with a joint or two. After a very quick dive into the space of online apps for meeting people [new friends] I decided to take a beat and see how I feel in a day or two. I am not sure if I am ready to invite new people into my life at this time. I feel as if I may not have the capacity to get to know someone without the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Being in the safety of my home with music and the thoughts expressed is a wanted feeling rather than being paranoid at the beach, the idea of rescheduling marijuana is also something I need to take a deep dive into understanding as it will make beach days much more enjoyable without the possibility of being cited for smoking weed in public.

It's time to pick up from the dispensary and I feel as if I've shared enough so more celebrating Rocko's birthday and just [trying to] enjoy life in the moment as it comes and wishing you all health, wealth and happiness the same as I wish for myself. I am also setting aside some thought into hope and see if the feelings I have toward it has a life altering effect or if I am just feeling a way right now with everything going on in my life -shrug- nevertheless...

Until next time

111

As if it were magic, this is expression 111 on the blog and to my surprise it is in alignment with my life at the moment. Speaking of things aligning, faith and strength according to this 2023 Cosmopolitan article on Angel Numbers [specifically 111]. Interestingly enough when I sat to write this evening I had not known the significance of the expression awaiting my words. The music and reefer are attempting to give inspiration as I ponder what to share this go round.  

In recent years I've learned a little about numerology and to say it confuses me is an understatement, I feel considerably dumb when attempting to recall from memory the things I've learned thus far. However, the tiny victories occur when I am able to recognize that something means something even if I don't know what it is fully or initially. Since I began this blog nearly 10 years ago [2016] I was shy about acknowledging the milestone of 10, 000 views, I thought the length of time outweighed the number of views, then I smiled and thought about how it didn't matter how long it took, it matters that it happened.

Since beginning this expression many things have come and gone, For instance Mother's Day, along with a few trips to the emergency room due to side effects of my last chemotherapy treatment. With various appointments as well as a couple support groups I feel ill prepared for the experience I've had with it. I was so excited about reaching my final chemotherapy treatment only to be tormented by the side effects. I at times felt defeated, questioning if my reasons for considering the emergency room was attention seeking or valid. 

I begin radiation this week and to say that I am a bit afraid would be an understatement. With how misleading the experience of chemotherapy was, I feel as if perhaps they are downplaying the effects of radiation. I recently decided to postpone classes until Spring; I feel as if the time off will be enough to allow my body to heal and recover from the year I've had of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and the beginning of hormone therapy. It was this week that I realized I am getting older, discovering the need for reading glasses with the blink of an eye. In addition to the realization that I may need more time to recover from this year than in my younger days. 

The thing about aging is many of us were not prepared for it. As a woman of a particular age I recognize there are many changes a human goes through during ones lifetime. I can only speak from the female perspective which leaves me to believe that in retrospect I did not allow my body the appropriate time to heal from the experiences I've endured. This time around I feel as if I should see myself coming through this experience as a new beginning or a rebirth of sorts. A chance to allow the physical presentation in my mind to reflect in reality. I've witnessed success in the past and although I am a bit older, I believe I can see such again. 

This expression began with an idea of some profound spiritual theory and took a turn from fantasy to a bleak reality. My hope is not to make it seem as if my life is miserable because I've experienced a few miserable moments. While assessing circumstances I feel as if I am doing better with establishing and enforcing boundaries, Also making sure to check in with myself as to if I am feeling what I am feeling or if I am able to endure the symptoms being experienced. No two experiences with aging or illness is the same for any of us, but more of a heads up in regard to the types of things one may expect while these things are happening.

I hope if you are dealing with any of the aforementioned ailments and the reality of aging, I pray for your strength and courage to "fight" for a life you actually want to live. When assessing the [realistic] quality of life that I want to create for myself in this lifetime; I was forced to take account for the shape of everything. I have to learn to commit to my overall wellbeing and not just the things screaming for my attention, However, as I've aged it seems as if one ailment's side effects creates other ailments and it's a vicious cycle of never-ending ailments. I suppose I did not expect things to seemingly begin shutting down at such.a young age. 

Although this expression did not take the turn I intended for it, I am delighted in what I've shared; I feel relieved to advocate for myself and feel as if I made the 'right' decision. In allowing  myself grace to validate my feelings with myself, I feel as if I listened to my body and did what was best. As I've been awake for quite some time I am unsure if I want to take a nap or begin today's errands. Then I ask myself if I am looking for a way out of writing the rest of this expression as if I still have something profound to say...

above the clouds

I am delighted to say this month marks my final chemotherapy session! Next up, radiation then hormone therapy, and I'm done! Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes, they were truly appreciated. The outpouring of support, friendship and love from expected as well as unexpected places truly warmed my heart. Shortly after my final treatment, the nurses came into my room and sang a song for the occasion; later that evening I was asked if I wanted to "ring the bell", I was hesitant then recognized the sentiment of the tradition and decided I would. I even allowed the nurse to take photographs and a video to share with loved ones... 

I made it for my sacred time [during the hours of 4-6 am, daily] if possible I spend time in prayer, meditation or in a creative space with or without music. I feel it's a great way to set the tone for the remainder of the day until the next time. There was a time when I practiced sacred time each day and I believe my life was better for it; that is until mental illness and what seemed to be ungodly energy forced my journey on an unexpected path through various life lessons, sorrow and unhappiness, allowing a few ups with the downs. 

Based on the circumstances of those years I find it difficult to practice a lot of times, so when I do it is a bit more special to me. Especially when I find the words to share on the blogs or social media, it helps me feel connected to you in a way a writer connects with their people. Which brings up how over the past few months I have seen a surge in readership and I am above the clouds with joy; with the consistency I wanted to make sure to acknowledge and share my thanks [again]. 

I am torn, on one hand I want to continue to share my thoughts and embrace the music however, on the other hand I think I should return to my slumber in order to be alert during errands today. I've indulged in Cereal Milk and a new strain [to me] Mimosa, which has me feeling focused and balanced. Seeing how May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I feel as if it is a necessary strain [for me] since it has done a great job of keeping me centered, or rather grounded since I began it. As the Sun arises and I am no closer to a decision perhaps another joint is actually the answer? Not before accessing my state of being as I am already in a fantastic state; where I feel weightless and openminded, optimistic and somewhat free. 

With errands in approximately 3 hours I feel as if I should make a decision soon, but I don't like to rush such things; especially when I have things to do involving driving and the like. The doctors or few people I've spoken with who have experienced chemotherapy did not accurately detail the effects, as I sit here with my limbs feeling like cooked pasta it is amazing that I am able to type these words with ease. It's funny, I'll type a sentence such as the last and shortly after the words wished to express disappear down the train of thought. Making me feel as if the decision has been made and I should enjoy a few more moments of rest before the day actually begins.

it was 420 in Amsterdam

"life is a balance between holding on and letting go"

Rumi

It's taken several months, but I have come to terms with the conditions of my health [mental, physical, along with emotional] in addition to the status of some of my relationships. I found myself unhappy with interactions yet putting the well being of other's before that of my own. Trying to "be there" when I felt the friendship had long died. In one instance I did not like the way I was being treated and finally decided to remove myself; initially I felt as if I was attempting to be an example of how a friend treats someone they consider such, then I noticed it was not reciprocated or appreciated which left me asking myself why was I bothering to continue. I believe I was overcompensating; giving of myself what I felt was lacking in my own life. Being the friend to others that I wish I had for myself, people pleasing as a distraction from the reality of life with cancer. I was left feeling drained, disappointed and later upset. Mainly disappointed in myself for continuing to put myself in spaces that were no longer healthy. There came a time when I realized I was holding on to various beliefs about relationships out of fear that there would be a void left in its place. In letting go, I was able to redirect that energy within myself; recognizing that I was reacting from a space of trauma which was showing up in my behavior. 

I've had my third round of chemotherapy as of this month [April] and to say the side effects have been dreadful would be an understatement. At times having difficulty standing or walking because of the pain in my bones or aches in my body. My oncologist says I'd do four or six and I will admit I am hoping for the four so I can be done in May. Nevertheless, someone claiming I am one of their "best friends" rarely checks on me, if at all. Once I removed the rose colored glasses of how I thought things were pre-cancer and the reality of the way things really are; the questions arose on continuing the friendship or removing the status to "associate" or something. Pre-cancer I was "busy", running around with various errands and tasks I'd created for myself; I will admit I have a lot of time on my hands now, free time to over-think and over-analyze situations. I know at times I can be a bit hypersensitive, however along this self-love journey I recognize when I am creating boundaries for myself and understanding that my feelings are valid. Learning not to gaslight myself or dismiss my feelings and/or emotions has been extremely helpful in seeing when the treatment I am receiving is not in alignment with what I want for myself; as well as when words and actions don't match. I am no longer making or accepting excuses as to why I'm being told one thing while witnessing something altogether different. It is no longer acceptable and I am at the stage where I am willing to "lose" relationships because of it. The quote comes to mind about knowing what I bring to the table so I'm not afraid to sit alone [paraphrased]. 

I consider myself a "good" friend, I may not always say the right thing, but I have the best interest in mind for those I consider to be my friends and/or loved ones. I am not perfect nor do I strive to be [any longer] so I can feel confident when I say losing me as a friend may not be the big flex some may think it is. I've always had this idea that [some] people love you as much as you may be useful to them; which I experienced this past week. Without getting into the long dumb ass story the bottom line of it all was I was called "lazy" and "weak" because I am not as active or able as I was before I began chemotherapy treatments. When I attempted to remind the person of this I was told "Idgaf" [multiple times] causing me to end the conversation and adjust the relationship with said person moving forward. The entire ordeal reminded me of the concept of how Black women aren't "allowed" to rest; we are expected to take care of the wants and needs of everyone around us without taking a beat to check in with ourselves or reset as necessary. I refuse to subscribe to the "strong, independent, Black woman" troupe and I will not allow anyone to bully me into it any longer. I am strong yet the appearance of such looks different from day to day; I am no longer unwilling to ask for help when I find it necessary and if to some that makes me appear weak than so be it. 

Since beginning this expression I welcomed 420; with many joints and a festival, resulting in the partaking of mushroom gummies. They didn't do much with the exception of enhancing the experience of the Cereal Milk I'd already indulged in. Overall, the mood and vibe are much better than where I left off in this expression; I did not allow those words to penetrate however, they did take a minute to process as I could not fathom someone being so heartless as to say those things during this time with everything that is going on with my life. Nevertheless, as the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time." In both instances I've chosen to distance myself or disappear altogether, the lack of compassion, empathy, and at times love wears me out... More time has passed since I began this expression and many emotions have come and gone. I took the opportunity to travel a bit and I am now elated in the clouds of Blackberry Moonshine; debating if I want a mushroom gummie to enhance the happy feelings I am currently experiencing or partake in the strain LA Kush Cake and go over the Full Moon... 

The stars aligned in a particular way that I was out of town during this Full Moon and enjoying various strains I've had before [LA Kush Cake] and loved as well as a new strain that has become a fast favorite [Blackberry Moonshine]. Taking a beat to experience some new things I realize I am healing [emotionally] while I am accessing various things mentally, discovering and realizing them from a new perspective while attempting to let go of the past [most of which I don't remember anyway]. I am tempted to search for a new therapist; the last one I meshed well with stopped seeing me when my insurance changed; I don''t blame her, but damn if I don't wish she could take me back. The depths I was willing to go within our sessions amazed me because I had never been so vulnerable and able to express myself fully. I feel as if I may be in that space or something similar; ready, willing and able to dive into aspects of myself. A space where I am able to confront myself, correct some behaviors which I acknowledge aren't for the betterment of my life, set some goals as well as rewards to look forward to. From the time I began this expression [sometime in April] until now I am a bit "all over the place" when it comes to my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

I feel as if so many leave so much unsaid or at times misunderstood, yet are swift to allow toxic and/or dysfunctional beliefs and expressions to fly fast from the tongue. Rarely with regard to the person on the receiving end of such venom; like, how will these words affect them? Some will expect a person to accept dysfunction because it may be common practice within that circle; however, that doesn't make it "okay". Choosing to hold on to things that should be let go of to leave space for positivity and optimism or overall good fortune. Within the past few weeks I've felt as if some close to me do not wish to see me happy, healthy, or perhaps in good cheer; as if I should be bound to misfortune and unhappiness. I refuse to allow that to be my story, instead I choose to pray for wisdom, patience, and healing; allowing myself the grace to embrace my current circumstances. From someone who was a self-proclaimed perfectionist, wearing the strong, independent, Black woman troupe as if a badge of honor; attempting to "rescue" where I saw the "need". Now with the exception of certain obligations I no longer accept such expectations someone else may try to attach to me. I feel as if I am allowing this expression to be a form of therapy as I do not have a competent one as of yet. Letting the words fall like tears onto the page since they refuse to stream from my eyes. 

So much time has passed since beginning this expression that it is now May, my intention was to conclude my thoughts before the month of April ended. As we can see, that did not happen; which is fine because with various edits this edition seems to speak of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions during my daily being as well as in the midst of traveling and returning home. Upon my arrival home the second stop made was to the dispensary where I purchased my good friend Blueberry Kush known for its relaxing effects. Now that I've rested [as mush as possible] I've moved on to Acapulco Gold and Maui Waui not only for the creative aspects, but also the effects in being uplifted and happy. That's the energy I want to experience; especially seeing how I have treatment soon. Seeing how I finally thought of a title for this expression I am beginning to feel as if I can find some closing thoughts, especially seeing how this expression is also rather long. I believe I've come into a new chapter of life, it may have began when I accepted the diagnosis given and the treatment plan that followed. As I suggested in another expression written recently, illness and age has a way of providing new perspectives on things that may have seemed major to someone not battling for their life. I realize the title of this expression allows one to assume since I've been traveling I may have gone to Amsterdam. Finding that amusing yet choosing not to rename it seems like I should share my meaning of "it's 420 in Amsterdam". However, I feel as if that's a story for another day.

 

earrings and eyebrows

For the past few days I've had thoughts concerning body image, self esteem and confidence; as I am getting used to seeing myself without hair. I have gotten compliments from friends, family as well as strangers since shaving my head and I feel as if they are genuine. Opting less and less to wear my unit, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of life as I know it.  Illness and aging has a way of putting things into perspective; I no longer want to spend time in places or with people that don’t treat me well or whose energy is off-putting. Although there are some circumstances where I don't have the luxury to disengage I am making sure to exercise the privilege where I can.  Debating smoking another joint, taking a nap or allowing an expression to take up space on the screen. I haven't figured out if I am stalling or processing the words to share; with the eclipse, mercury retrograde, various changes within my being and my natural moodiness I will admit to setting a few bridges ablaze. Lately when given the option I've chosen violence rather than to hold my tongue and leave things unsaid; rather than keeping those thoughts to myself I am choosing to express them regardless of the outcome. 

When it comes to my self-esteem, I feel as if my identity was in relation to my career and when that resulted in the outcome we know it to be I began to feel as if my life didn't center around my intelligence so I focused on the physical. Taking pride in my physical attributes which make me who I thought I was. Then things began falling apart, first with weight gain then eczema and now the effects of chemotherapy (baldness). I realized that I rarely wear earrings and I haven't arched my eyebrows in many Moon's, making me wonder if I should begin emphasizing my eyebrows and wearing earrings. Well, I had to replace my go-to earrings and I thought to allow a friend to apply makeup and do an impromptu photoshoot [I'm exaggerating- more like a photo or two]. I even thought of posting it on social media, even if it's only Facebook where it's strictly family.  

One thing I believe I've learned recently is the concept of self-love not simply being about acceptance, care and compassion; it's also about establishing boundaries as well as enforcing those boundaries. Which can look like burning bridges. When I think of how I present myself to the world each day and I go sans makeup and hair pieces I am owning myself [flaws and all]. However this newfound display makes me seriously consider doing a little more at least on occasion. Learning each day to love a new aspect of myself, to be gentle and mindful of myself and my needs at any given moment. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with myself and on occasion you guys, I honestly believe those are my safest spaces. These days with the exception of a couple friends, I have felt alone; as if I do not know where my safe places are. As if should the tears decide to fall, I have no one to console me in that moment, that's a lonely feeling.  

wistful thinking

 "be silent, only the hands of God can remove the burdens of your heart."

Rumi

It's been nearly two weeks and I did not want to write, it wasn't a case of writer's block; it was more like processing this thing I now call life. I've been told in as much time that I'm not showcasing my usual "positive" outlook, as it seems some around me aren't handling it well that I am not as optimistic as I once was. The reality of my conditions are overwhelming me, I feel as if my heart is burdened and I don't exactly know how to put those burdens in the hands of God. To an extent I feel as if I don't know the lesson I am supposed to be learning in this phase of my life, I won't go into karma because I am not so sure I believe in the concept then to think about what I may or may not "deserve"; the thought leaves my mind as quickly as it entered. What does anyone "deserve"? Nevertheless, here we are and I am faced with tough decisions from every which way; including the decision to shave my head due to the reaction from chemotherapy. My hair was fried into one dreadlock after clumps feel out the week prior. I told myself it was liberating and I've been called "brave", but I feel like it wasn't liberating and I was not brave for doing something I had no choice in. Seeing how my hair was severely damaged there was no choice but to shave it off, I would much rather have kept my beautiful hair; continuing to embrace its natural state of being. Yet, here we are...

I suppose the brave part of it all has been the choice to leave the house without a unit or scarf, which I've done several times since shaving my head. I have yet to shed a tear about any of this, I thought for sure I would cry over my hair, but I didn't to my surprise. After writing about it in the last expression, "where to go from here" I decided not to consult with my doctor's and continue treatment instead. My reasons for continuing are personal however, I am no longer indifferent to receiving treatment and enduring the side effects, I felt as if that is counterproductive to healing and the hope of a good outcome. I never knew how long I'd be here but now I feel that so heavily, none of us know how much time we have here but having an illness, well, illnesses that require effort to overcome makes it clearer that it's the case. This sense of humanity makes me appreciate each day and try to make better decisions rather than doing things out of boredom or instant gratification. I am learning that I do not feel good about myself after doing such; especially the instant gratification part. When doing things out of boredom I realized that it often includes people I don't even like, a year or two ago I recognized that I wasn't actually bored but lonely. Which makes sense as to why I'd spend time with someone whose company I didn't even enjoy completely, loneliness is such a dangerous feeling.

Upon a bit of research I learned something fascinating about loneliness, it seems when the feelings of emptiness engulfs me it may actually be a trauma response to feelings of abandonment or perhaps attempting to find a distraction from the feeling of longing for intimacy or better relationships with others in those moments. I've made a conscience decision to pause before making those reckless decisions out of boredom, with the goal in mind to stop doing such things and engaging with those whose company I do not enjoy. Lately, I find myself making plans then while in the midst of those plans I am asking myself "why am I here?" or "how can I get this to end?" later reminding myself not to put myself in such scenarios anymore. Hoping that the last time was the last time and I've learned from my mistakes not to engage in meaningless encounters because of boredom or loneliness. As the days go by I find it more and more difficult to engage in meaningless or superficial things, I am somewhere between "life is short" and the idea that life is actually long as I find the days dragging on at a snails pace; either way you look at it, the long or short of it is too precious to spend any of it in the presence of mediocre experiences. 

I accept that I have moments where my reality may seem dark or perhaps the word melancholy is a better fit, which would make sense because that would be an accurate description of how I feel these days. Depression is here and I am sitting with it; not forcing it to leave, but allowing myself the freedom to feel the feelings I am experiencing in this stage of my life. It's only human to feel a bit depressed about having such ailments, especially at the age I find myself at. Too young not to fight yet too old to be delusional about the reality of such conditions. True with today's treatment and making good choices, cancer is not the death sentence it used to be. However, there's the element of the unknown that no one has control over that is the deciding factor for when and how this life comes to an end. Which has me anxious to "get my affairs in order" so that whenever it happens things are in the proper place; I've made peace with this as something that is just a matter of fact. I guess I am not supposed to talk like this which is why I'm writing it here and sharing it with you all, as this may actually be the safest space I have to express what I feel and some of the thoughts that have come to mind. Tired of suppressing my feelings and thoughts because those around me may not want to come to terms with the two ways this can go, of course hoping for longevity and the privilege to grow old yet that may not be the way this goes.

It took for me to get sick to truly understand that life is a privilege, at least that's the way I view it. I've always been a bit in awe of the function of life; breathing, having control of one's senses, being in one's "right" mind. I've experienced being "out of" my mind a number of times due to mental health issues so awaking [for the most part] healthy and fully functioning stirs up a level of gratitude and appreciation for me that I try my best not to take for granted. I find that I am no longer searching desperately for my purpose, now I am simply hoping in some way to make a positive impression in the world as something I share may be helpful to someone else along their journey. With depression it's easy to find oneself disinterested in things you used to find passion in, I am in that space these days. So thinking of what my purpose is seems a bit frivolous when thinking of what I could be doing with my time, energy and thoughts. Instead using such to be happy or at least content and allow each moment to have it's moment regardless of the emotion wanting to be expressed, whether happy, sad or somewhere in-between. In this moment I am trying not to downplay or sensationalize my feelings, which is also a conscious effort; allowing myself the liberty to find my true emotions and allow them to flourish as opposed to repressing them.

Remembering that I am choosing to document my journey I know that I would do myself as well as those who care a disservice if I only shared the "good" and not all of what this experience has been thus far. The idea of titling this expression "honesty hour" came to mind, but I've chosen not to; I feel as if that's a little too easy. It took quite a few joints of Cereal Milk for me to feel the way I wanted; at ease, relaxed, in a space of mindfulness. It's been a week and I took a few days off from smoking reefer, I wasn't feeling the desired effects of the brand or perhaps it was the strain, either way the pre-rolls I had weren't doing what I needed them to do. Then to my surprise I found this strain and as expected it is doing what I knew it would do. Lately when asked or even when checking in with myself I have expressed that I feel "okay"; while some feel as if being okay may not be "good enough" of an expression however, I feel as if okay is the best that I can do right now under the circumstances. I've joined a couple support groups on Facebook, I haven't gathered the strength to contribute anything to them as of yet. To know that they are there if/when I need them is reassuring [for now].

I want to cry yet the tears won't fall and I must be okay with that as well; there must be a reason the emotion isn't quite there for the tears to fall. Many people I know have commended me on how well I am handling what I am going through and I will admit, oftentimes I surprise myself. My doctor's often asks, "who's taking care of you?" and as I inform them that I have support yet I am taking care of myself their reactions have been identical and in those moments I am reminded of the "strong, Black, woman" concept and I find myself exhausted. Wishing I could actually "take a break" and live a dream life for a day or a few, so I've begun planning such days for myself. Having days to look forward to has been rewarding, lifting the depression little by little, giving myself hope for something fun or different to engage in aside from errands and appointments. As I get through this I am getting used to the feelings, most of which are familiar yet I feel them so deeply now. Searching my mind for a title for this expression I am glad to be able to share my truth with you all. 

It's been a while since I've listened to my heart, I was prompted to ask what my heart feels and I was aware of the idea I had the other evening when I had a thought that my heart was broken. The thought came to mind that "God broke my heart" and initially I wasn't going to share that with you all, I felt as if I've been faithful in prayer, meditation, affirmations, and such yet I have had to endure so many hardships in this life that I felt as if at times I was having the Job experience. As if I am constantly being "tested" to show my faith, hopes and desires with life's foot on my neck every step of the way and I am tried. Tired of enduring things, at this point as ridiculous as it may sound I would like a soft life; [wishful thinking] I'd win the lottery and devote my time and energy not only to facing my health needs head on, but I would also find ways to contribute to the advancement of fighting these conditions as well as raise awareness and especially assist within various communities I identify with to advocate for prevention, etc. I suppose I can begin now and I intend to, but the financial assistance is also necessary in fighting such conditions and raising awareness. I want to be able to make substantial donations where necessary. In the meantime, I suppose I will find organizations where my help can be useful.

As I find a way to conclude this expression, think of a title and decide when to publish I am reminded of the five grams of pot I've smoked and realize I have gotten so relaxed that I am a little sleepy. Interestingly enough the "word of the day" is wistfully which feels to be in alignment with what I've been sharing thus far which matches perfectly for how this expression has come together. I suppose I'll take this time to remind myself of how "good" life is instead of having a pity party about the hand I've been dealt I would rather hold my head high and endure this phase of my journey as I look forward to being on the other side of this and being empowered by how far I've come. I recently learned of the concept of romanticizing life, as a hopeful romantic I asked myself "why not?". Not in a delusional way of romanticizing bullshit, but being more intentional in my daily way of embracing a life of self-care and self-love as a way of being rather than something to aspire to or do once I find myself burnt out from being so strong all day; every day. I've given myself permission to be soft with myself, not always strong, not always super positive or weird in a way of not having appropriate human emotions to bleak circumstances.    

So as this month comes to an end, I've given thought to beginning April 1st to embrace a soft, romantic life filled with quality, fun, excitement and the truth about how I feel and what I think. I intend to work on my boundaries as well as speaking my truth rather than suppressing and repressing what I am feeling and thinking. Living in the moment however, making sound decisions that I will not regret in the future. No more settling for less than what I want or overcompensating for other peoples feelings at the expense of my own. I am working on balance in my life; finding a way to be my authentic self yet not ruffle any feathers has been a contradiction and does not serve me or anyone I find myself in that position with. I am learning that there are some inner child aspects of healing that I should focus on when it comes to abandonment issue and the like. Needless to say I have some work to do and I am looking forward to the growth that comes along with this particular portion of the journey I find myself on. 

where to go from here

I've decided to cut my hair and begin wearing my unit until I figure out the next steps. It took a few days to accept the loss of my hair, and a whole lot of reefer; Peaches and Cream to be exact to make the decision to move forward rather than wallow in the grief of what is becoming my life. I recall many Moon's ago, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder; I made it clear to myself that I did not want to have a tub of medications for various ailments, one creating the need for the other due to side effects and such. Although I don't remember much of my childhood, I do remember witnessing or maybe observing that lifestyle and I knew at a young age that I wanted no parts of it. Now I find myself with major illness, faced with the question of how to or where to go from here and I am scared. Scared of making poor decisions concerning my mortality and quality of life. 

Since I am scheduled for treatment this coming week I figure I would speak with my doctor and figure out how to proceed after this treatment. I've already begun loosing my hair so that should not be my reason for discontinuing treatment. I have yet to access the condition of my hair, once it fell out for the third day I just pinned it up and said I'd leave it for my beautician to deal with. It's been this way since Wednesday, that is until a good friend sent a gift to make things more presentable, allowing me to leave the house for various essentials. I am grateful for my support system of friends who have been here for me and willing to step out of their comfort zone and into a very caring, supportive role while being extremely thoughtful throughout this ordeal. Lending a listening ear without judgement, sending gifts, offering words of insight and/or wisdom as well as prayers along the way have all been quite helpful as a lot of days have been on the bad side rather than good.

In real life I keep a lot of what I'm going through to myself because it seems as if many of those around me can't quite handle me being "sick" or needing days to rest. Perhaps they are used to the "strong, independent Woman" they see me to be; that Woman is exhausted. On one hand I think perhaps that's what got me into this mess (regarding my health), then I remember those years of poor choices and bad decisions. Who knows why the choices I made manifested these conditions whereas many others have lived on the same diet, lack of exercise and smoking without seeing the negative impact yet others have no such luck. While making those poor decisions I thought of the possible outcomes and arrogantly considered I'd be one of those people who eat poorly, smoke a lot and live to be 105 or something. Unfortunately, that isn't my story at least it doesn't seem to be at this stage of the game. Each day I am awakened it now takes a while to recognize how I feel, taking a long time to find the mindset of positive thinking, manifestation and the like. 

Interestingly enough I have been practicing prayer for a very long time, later adding meditation, affirmations and the philosophy of positive thinking. Being conscience of the words I speak and write, sending well wishes in various scenarios, etc. Not saying "I don't deserve" to be sick, because life happens to us all; some would say this stop on the path of my journey was predestined, I don't know if I believe that. In my years of life as I've transitioned from a girl to a woman I've learned to leave God's business to God and once I say my prayer in faith to leave it to be done. Many people have proclaimed how "you got this" and I am praying each day for the strength, courage and sanity to do just that; you know, "beat cancer's ass". I know people may think that is what a person in this situation wants to hear and perhaps some do; unfortunately I am not one of those people. I do question at times the knowledge of spiritual information like, feeling in alignment or seeing angel numbers and such then finding yourself with such life altering ailments at such a young(ish) age.

I have plans to visit the beach soon as I am also anticipating the beauty of the Full Moon in the week's to come. I did some "grounding" the last time I was there; the sound of the waves with the sensation of the sand engulfing my feet as I sat at the beach, visualizing a life so different from the one I find myself living. I envision a soft life, in a realm of my dreams or perhaps my next lifetime; where I pray I hold onto the lessons learned thus far along with the wisdom and knowledge of how to do life better next time. I don't know enough about reincarnation to believe in it or not, but in some aspect I do believe that the soul is immortal so once we leave our bodies the soul moves on; maybe experiencing the womb and birthing process all over again. So, maybe I do believe in reincarnation in the simplest way I can imagine. I often request that my next life isn't as hard as this one has been. 

I am not requesting a life without challenges, we all have things in our lives that challenge us in ways only a particular path could; and overcoming those challenges often leads to wisdom, strength and/or a level of courage that is earned by coming though whatever the struggle was. I believe when I'm on the other side of cancer: after chemotherapy, radiation and surgery I will be a different person. I see glimpses of her some days, she's more "no nonsense" than I used to be; I used to be so laid back where everything was "okay" or going with the flow now I recognize some things I no longer want in my life and other areas where I should tighten up my boundaries. I heard somewhere this past week someone said "I don't want anything that doesn't want me" and I felt that in a way that caused me to re-evaluate things that I've been avoiding for some time.

For example: I don't want to continue with chemotherapy and I am unsure about how I feel about radiation however, would it be in my best interest to continue with this treatment plan [in an attempt to reduce the chances of growing cancer cells in the future]? Then I question whether the treatment will be as effective since it is an experience I do not want to have so my energy may be indifferent. How does the energy I bring to the situation help or harm me in this predicament? With the false sense of ease with the initial treatment followed by pain, hair loss and other side effects I will hope for a better outcome with the second treatment as this time I know of some preventative measures which should prevent the pain I experienced the other week. Unexpectedly, I have a flash of a film; "Fight Club" and I am remembering parts of the support group storyline and I feel alone. I have yet to attend the support group for breast cancer and I am unsure if I will (virtually or in person). I don't know how I would truly benefit from that experience as it was not helpful when attempting to visit support groups for bipolar or anxiety disorder.

I am visualizing a lot these days, finding more detail in how I'd like to spend my time. I intend to visit the beach more, spend more time with the Moon, have more adventures and speak the words I hold in. The feeling of being repressed is a different type of frustration, wanting to say words yet not having the words to say is a special type of writer's block that nothing in a book can prepare you for. I've been holding things in for a few days with a few people and I am weighing if I am being petty by not saying anything or if it's maturity in not saying things in a rush to prevent saying the wrong things. Giving time and space the opportunity to figure out the best words to share for an experience that's for the highest good to all involved. I know it may seem very disingenuous but in my heart and mind I've learned to pray for the best outcome for everyone, not solely how I want things to go. I used to be such a brat and selfish or perhaps self-centered. I've outgrown the antics of being that way even when it pops up on occasion.

I think I need a few more days to myself; with the beach, the Moon, a few loved ones, a lot of prayer, meditation and hopefully the tears that so longingly want to flow down my face, but won't for some reason. On Wednesday I was on the verge of tears the entire day; I nearly forgot about that until I asked myself as I typed those words, what do I want for the coming week? I want to find the space within where the tears will fall and each will release a story that I am holding onto that is no longer serving me. I want to shed the tears of the life I've lived thus far and release the ideas of how I thought things should have gone as opposed to facing the reality of the hand I've been dealt and playing it to the best of my ability. I believe I've done that to an extent, however, when I am being honest with myself I know there were times when I could have made a better decision had I researched or asked more questions or took a risk rather than play it safe. Those are the decisions I regret, causing me to ask myself for forgiveness and the ability to move forward without dwelling on those things.

I've been bracing myself for a truthful conversation with myself about the amount of reefer I consume. In lieu of smoking cigarettes I notice I've been smoking a lot more reefer, at times to combat stress and frustration and other times to settle side effects of cancer and chemotherapy. Nonetheless, I need to pull back a little [as I contemplate sparking another infused preroll]... upon opening the container I am pleasantly surprised to find two when I thought it was the last of this batch. It's early in the day and 4:20 a.m. just passed reminding me that I should honor the tradition of 4:20 and smoke this joint! Which also reminds me of the cannabis oil I've been holding onto and often slip my mind that I still have; it's time to make more hot beverages infused with cannabis oil. The only thing I dislike about these particular infused joints is how fast they burn, not allowing to type as I smoke without watching the joint burn up. Inhaling the smoke along with the lyrics of the music and the vibe I've created for myself puts me in a state of being that is relaxed yet full of thoughts and questions. 

I took to a couple of my social media outlets and wrote: "this would be the perfect time for me to hit the lottery..."  I then think of the good I could do for others and the thought of the quality of life I could create for myself almost brings those tears back to the surface. Then the song changes and my thoughts began to scatter a bit, it's Pink Floyd and I feel like I'm on a psychedelic ride into my dreams. The number of times I've dreamt about winning the lottery and going through the emotions of having won has caused me to question manifestation and what I am missing as I feel as if I should have manifested the jackpot by now. Half serious, I do wonder what element is causing this not to come true for me as of yet. It's interesting how some people say things like "God gives 'his' toughest battles to 'his' strongest soldiers" and it's always said at a time of adversity; I'd like to show the tough battle of maintaining wealth after winning the lottery. I'd rather that "battle" than the one I find myself "fighting".

It's 5 a.m. and I'm somewhere between hungry and sleepy when the thought of smoking another joint comes to mind while I am still feeling the effects of the last joint I smoked not too long ago. I've decided to take a nap and resume this expression when I awaken... 

it's only the beginning

The day after my first chemotherapy session went surprisingly well, that was until the time released medication hit me and I forgot the instructions to pre-medicate; causing me to have excruciating pain in my lower body. I've never experienced the sensation of my bones hurting! Then by the time I thought that would end I began to feel pains similar to an epidural at which point I contacted triage and they reminded me of the step I missed. Since incorporating that forgotten step I've been feeling better, with no pain.  Those days of pain were so uncomfortable I could not express it on the blogs, I just had to suffer through it until I was aware of my misstep and able to correct it. Needless to I have yet to join the gym...

I've been bored a lot lately, especially since withdrawing from my Spring courses. For me these days my main interest is my health… I have the same interests it’s just that I hate going everywhere alone. Now that I have to deal with cancer, my mortality is on my mind a lot and I no longer want to wait on anything that I can do for myself to bring me peace, happiness or fun. I’m just going to start doing more of what I want when I can. As the idea of doing that creates images in my imagination, I can tell the expression on my face is less than happy. I recall attending a concert with myself and although I was glad to be there, it just wasn't as fun as I had imagined it to be. True, I was able to experience it with a different perspective as I was by myself; I guess the element of bonding or some aspect of that was missing making the concert less enjoyable than had I gone with someone else or a group of others. 

The idea of going to a spa came to mind the other day and I reached out to a friend to join me, we've made plans to visit the spa plenty of times however, for various reasons it has yet to happen. So I've already prepared myself to go alone if it comes to that. The spa I've been looking into also has a paint and sip so I may explore that as well. As a bit of time passed I realize I don't want to do all of these things alone. Spending the majority of my life alone, I thought I had grown used to being my own social circle; there was a time when I was happy that way. These past couple of years I've longed for something different, not necessarily a relationship, more so companionship of sorts to experience various adventures, dining out or staying in playing cards and such. When I write those things I am reminded of a friend who I did those things with on a regular basis however, she is no longer with us. 

Perhaps it wasn't until this moment where I am truly missing my friend. She passed last August of I suppose natural causes; suddenly and unexpectedly. She was a deciding factor in me choosing to take my health more seriously, which has been a life changing path I've found myself on. Since stopping cigarettes, I've noticed I've also stopped drinking alcoholic beverages.  I've also find that my taste buds have changed and good food is hard to find. Eating used to be a slight pleasure even considering myself a "foodie" at some point, lately food has been too salty or overcooked; leaving much to be desired. Lastly, my hair has begun to come out, which has me devastated. For three days I watched as clumps of hair came out of my head, causing me to leave it pinned until my beautician returns next week. I don't want to look at my hair or deal with it myself as I don't know how much will continue to come out and what my reaction will be to the end result. 

I reached a point where I am considering stopping treatment, not solely because I've begun losing my hair; but in thinking of my quality of life going forward. Like, what good is a longer life expectancy when it's filled with doctor appointments, medications and other draining aspects of being "sick"? Then there's the chance the cancer can return... well that's possible either way in addition to the news that I am advised to have another surgery as there are precancerous cells elsewhere which will need to be dealt with. Initially it was understood that I would deal with that once I completed this round of treatment. This is a tough decision to make and it may take some time, especially since I have another treatment next week. 

In the very near future I intend to join the gym and possibly get a box subscription to cook at home more. By focusing on my quality of life I feel as if that will direct me into more adventures and better self-care and self-love as opposed to focusing on being sick and the effects I'm feeling because of it. I suppose it may sound to some as if I'm "giving up", but what exactly is giving up? Not continuing treatment is not the same as a death sentence these days, chemotherapy isn't the only way; depending on the outcome a person wants in the long run. We give things importance and we decide the level of importance those things have in our lives. Also giving the ability to choose what we want for ourselves even when others don't quite understand them. 

I often ask myself if the life I'm living is the life I want to "fight" for and the answer is no. The life I am living doesn't seem worth fighting for as it's full of appointments, errands and boredom. I have yet to learn my purpose and I feel as if I have yet to do anything impactful to contribute to society in any significant way. Then the thought "who's to say what fighting looks like?" as I am aware that it looks different for everyone finding themselves "battling" cancer. For me, the fight may be living life to the fullest with or without continuing treatment until the end; whenever that is. 

let's work it out

I was hesitant to share this, but what good would that do in documenting my story if I were not honest? 

Approximately 2016, I did not love myself very much; I was unhappy with various aspects of my life and began to make poor physical health decisions. Including beginning smoking cigarettes and other unhealthy habits regarding meal choices. Although I wrote on the blogs a few times, once on the first blog which was entitled "Getting Over vs. Going Through"  this post was so vague I hardly remember what I was getting over, well I do know what I was attempting to get over, but I barely recall what I was going through. After a few months of self-care and self-love I wrote an expression titled "The Moon, My Soul & Love: An Introduction"  by spending so much time and effort on my mental health due to the conditions I found myself with I had neglected by body and now I am reaping the outcome of that. Not as a punishment, but as a reality of what happens when a person has a poor dieting lifestyle in addition to poor exercise and lack of self-love.

It took a while to feel love, but I feel as if I am on the right track these days, learning and growing each day. So much so that for a moment I was not going to tell my doctor of the lump I thought I felt or the monthly pain I'd experienced; then I thought "it is breast cancer awareness month, why not?" and did. Lo and behold that was the best thing I could have done for myself.  So I guess I say all of this to say, I implore you as you read this to think of some health issue you've been neglecting or putting on the back burner for "tomorrow" or "another day", let that be tomorrow for sure and seek out the necessary assistance before it's too late and the damage is done.

On the bright side: I had my 1st chemotherapy treatment yesterday, I didn't know what to expect; but I prayed, meditated and tried my best to stay positive. It went better than I expected and today has been ideal. So far no discomfort and I am having a good day; no side effects or symptoms of something being wrong also drinking lots of fluids. I had a nap earlier and I am currently figuring out how to incorporate the gym into my weekly regimen, especially if I continue to feel this good after treatment so early in the week. I figure with the walk at the beach, a light work out at the gym and the necessary treatments I will remain active and should I shed some pounds I will be fit.