wistful thinking

 "be silent, only the hands of God can remove the burdens of your heart."

Rumi

It's been nearly two weeks and I did not want to write, it wasn't a case of writer's block; it was more like processing this thing I now call life. I've been told in as much time that I'm not showcasing my usual "positive" outlook, as it seems some around me aren't handling it well that I am not as optimistic as I once was. The reality of my conditions are overwhelming me, I feel as if my heart is burdened and I don't exactly know how to put those burdens in the hands of God. To an extent I feel as if I don't know the lesson I am supposed to be learning in this phase of my life, I won't go into karma because I am not so sure I believe in the concept then to think about what I may or may not "deserve"; the thought leaves my mind as quickly as it entered. What does anyone "deserve"? Nevertheless, here we are and I am faced with tough decisions from every which way; including the decision to shave my head due to the reaction from chemotherapy. My hair was fried into one dreadlock after clumps feel out the week prior. I told myself it was liberating and I've been called "brave", but I feel like it wasn't liberating and I was not brave for doing something I had no choice in. Seeing how my hair was severely damaged there was no choice but to shave it off, I would much rather have kept my beautiful hair; continuing to embrace its natural state of being. Yet, here we are...

I suppose the brave part of it all has been the choice to leave the house without a unit or scarf, which I've done several times since shaving my head. I have yet to shed a tear about any of this, I thought for sure I would cry over my hair, but I didn't to my surprise. After writing about it in the last expression, "where to go from here" I decided not to consult with my doctor's and continue treatment instead. My reasons for continuing are personal however, I am no longer indifferent to receiving treatment and enduring the side effects, I felt as if that is counterproductive to healing and the hope of a good outcome. I never knew how long I'd be here but now I feel that so heavily, none of us know how much time we have here but having an illness, well, illnesses that require effort to overcome makes it clearer that it's the case. This sense of humanity makes me appreciate each day and try to make better decisions rather than doing things out of boredom or instant gratification. I am learning that I do not feel good about myself after doing such; especially the instant gratification part. When doing things out of boredom I realized that it often includes people I don't even like, a year or two ago I recognized that I wasn't actually bored but lonely. Which makes sense as to why I'd spend time with someone whose company I didn't even enjoy completely, loneliness is such a dangerous feeling.

Upon a bit of research I learned something fascinating about loneliness, it seems when the feelings of emptiness engulfs me it may actually be a trauma response to feelings of abandonment or perhaps attempting to find a distraction from the feeling of longing for intimacy or better relationships with others in those moments. I've made a conscience decision to pause before making those reckless decisions out of boredom, with the goal in mind to stop doing such things and engaging with those whose company I do not enjoy. Lately, I find myself making plans then while in the midst of those plans I am asking myself "why am I here?" or "how can I get this to end?" later reminding myself not to put myself in such scenarios anymore. Hoping that the last time was the last time and I've learned from my mistakes not to engage in meaningless encounters because of boredom or loneliness. As the days go by I find it more and more difficult to engage in meaningless or superficial things, I am somewhere between "life is short" and the idea that life is actually long as I find the days dragging on at a snails pace; either way you look at it, the long or short of it is too precious to spend any of it in the presence of mediocre experiences. 

I accept that I have moments where my reality may seem dark or perhaps the word melancholy is a better fit, which would make sense because that would be an accurate description of how I feel these days. Depression is here and I am sitting with it; not forcing it to leave, but allowing myself the freedom to feel the feelings I am experiencing in this stage of my life. It's only human to feel a bit depressed about having such ailments, especially at the age I find myself at. Too young not to fight yet too old to be delusional about the reality of such conditions. True with today's treatment and making good choices, cancer is not the death sentence it used to be. However, there's the element of the unknown that no one has control over that is the deciding factor for when and how this life comes to an end. Which has me anxious to "get my affairs in order" so that whenever it happens things are in the proper place; I've made peace with this as something that is just a matter of fact. I guess I am not supposed to talk like this which is why I'm writing it here and sharing it with you all, as this may actually be the safest space I have to express what I feel and some of the thoughts that have come to mind. Tired of suppressing my feelings and thoughts because those around me may not want to come to terms with the two ways this can go, of course hoping for longevity and the privilege to grow old yet that may not be the way this goes.

It took for me to get sick to truly understand that life is a privilege, at least that's the way I view it. I've always been a bit in awe of the function of life; breathing, having control of one's senses, being in one's "right" mind. I've experienced being "out of" my mind a number of times due to mental health issues so awaking [for the most part] healthy and fully functioning stirs up a level of gratitude and appreciation for me that I try my best not to take for granted. I find that I am no longer searching desperately for my purpose, now I am simply hoping in some way to make a positive impression in the world as something I share may be helpful to someone else along their journey. With depression it's easy to find oneself disinterested in things you used to find passion in, I am in that space these days. So thinking of what my purpose is seems a bit frivolous when thinking of what I could be doing with my time, energy and thoughts. Instead using such to be happy or at least content and allow each moment to have it's moment regardless of the emotion wanting to be expressed, whether happy, sad or somewhere in-between. In this moment I am trying not to downplay or sensationalize my feelings, which is also a conscious effort; allowing myself the liberty to find my true emotions and allow them to flourish as opposed to repressing them.

Remembering that I am choosing to document my journey I know that I would do myself as well as those who care a disservice if I only shared the "good" and not all of what this experience has been thus far. The idea of titling this expression "honesty hour" came to mind, but I've chosen not to; I feel as if that's a little too easy. It took quite a few joints of Cereal Milk for me to feel the way I wanted; at ease, relaxed, in a space of mindfulness. It's been a week and I took a few days off from smoking reefer, I wasn't feeling the desired effects of the brand or perhaps it was the strain, either way the pre-rolls I had weren't doing what I needed them to do. Then to my surprise I found this strain and as expected it is doing what I knew it would do. Lately when asked or even when checking in with myself I have expressed that I feel "okay"; while some feel as if being okay may not be "good enough" of an expression however, I feel as if okay is the best that I can do right now under the circumstances. I've joined a couple support groups on Facebook, I haven't gathered the strength to contribute anything to them as of yet. To know that they are there if/when I need them is reassuring [for now].

I want to cry yet the tears won't fall and I must be okay with that as well; there must be a reason the emotion isn't quite there for the tears to fall. Many people I know have commended me on how well I am handling what I am going through and I will admit, oftentimes I surprise myself. My doctor's often asks, "who's taking care of you?" and as I inform them that I have support yet I am taking care of myself their reactions have been identical and in those moments I am reminded of the "strong, Black, woman" concept and I find myself exhausted. Wishing I could actually "take a break" and live a dream life for a day or a few, so I've begun planning such days for myself. Having days to look forward to has been rewarding, lifting the depression little by little, giving myself hope for something fun or different to engage in aside from errands and appointments. As I get through this I am getting used to the feelings, most of which are familiar yet I feel them so deeply now. Searching my mind for a title for this expression I am glad to be able to share my truth with you all. 

It's been a while since I've listened to my heart, I was prompted to ask what my heart feels and I was aware of the idea I had the other evening when I had a thought that my heart was broken. The thought came to mind that "God broke my heart" and initially I wasn't going to share that with you all, I felt as if I've been faithful in prayer, meditation, affirmations, and such yet I have had to endure so many hardships in this life that I felt as if at times I was having the Job experience. As if I am constantly being "tested" to show my faith, hopes and desires with life's foot on my neck every step of the way and I am tried. Tired of enduring things, at this point as ridiculous as it may sound I would like a soft life; [wishful thinking] I'd win the lottery and devote my time and energy not only to facing my health needs head on, but I would also find ways to contribute to the advancement of fighting these conditions as well as raise awareness and especially assist within various communities I identify with to advocate for prevention, etc. I suppose I can begin now and I intend to, but the financial assistance is also necessary in fighting such conditions and raising awareness. I want to be able to make substantial donations where necessary. In the meantime, I suppose I will find organizations where my help can be useful.

As I find a way to conclude this expression, think of a title and decide when to publish I am reminded of the five grams of pot I've smoked and realize I have gotten so relaxed that I am a little sleepy. Interestingly enough the "word of the day" is wistfully which feels to be in alignment with what I've been sharing thus far which matches perfectly for how this expression has come together. I suppose I'll take this time to remind myself of how "good" life is instead of having a pity party about the hand I've been dealt I would rather hold my head high and endure this phase of my journey as I look forward to being on the other side of this and being empowered by how far I've come. I recently learned of the concept of romanticizing life, as a hopeful romantic I asked myself "why not?". Not in a delusional way of romanticizing bullshit, but being more intentional in my daily way of embracing a life of self-care and self-love as a way of being rather than something to aspire to or do once I find myself burnt out from being so strong all day; every day. I've given myself permission to be soft with myself, not always strong, not always super positive or weird in a way of not having appropriate human emotions to bleak circumstances.    

So as this month comes to an end, I've given thought to beginning April 1st to embrace a soft, romantic life filled with quality, fun, excitement and the truth about how I feel and what I think. I intend to work on my boundaries as well as speaking my truth rather than suppressing and repressing what I am feeling and thinking. Living in the moment however, making sound decisions that I will not regret in the future. No more settling for less than what I want or overcompensating for other peoples feelings at the expense of my own. I am working on balance in my life; finding a way to be my authentic self yet not ruffle any feathers has been a contradiction and does not serve me or anyone I find myself in that position with. I am learning that there are some inner child aspects of healing that I should focus on when it comes to abandonment issue and the like. Needless to say I have some work to do and I am looking forward to the growth that comes along with this particular portion of the journey I find myself on. 

where to go from here

I've decided to cut my hair and begin wearing my unit until I figure out the next steps. It took a few days to accept the loss of my hair, and a whole lot of reefer; Peaches and Cream to be exact to make the decision to move forward rather than wallow in the grief of what is becoming my life. I recall many Moon's ago, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder; I made it clear to myself that I did not want to have a tub of medications for various ailments, one creating the need for the other due to side effects and such. Although I don't remember much of my childhood, I do remember witnessing or maybe observing that lifestyle and I knew at a young age that I wanted no parts of it. Now I find myself with major illness, faced with the question of how to or where to go from here and I am scared. Scared of making poor decisions concerning my mortality and quality of life. 

Since I am scheduled for treatment this coming week I figure I would speak with my doctor and figure out how to proceed after this treatment. I've already begun loosing my hair so that should not be my reason for discontinuing treatment. I have yet to access the condition of my hair, once it fell out for the third day I just pinned it up and said I'd leave it for my beautician to deal with. It's been this way since Wednesday, that is until a good friend sent a gift to make things more presentable, allowing me to leave the house for various essentials. I am grateful for my support system of friends who have been here for me and willing to step out of their comfort zone and into a very caring, supportive role while being extremely thoughtful throughout this ordeal. Lending a listening ear without judgement, sending gifts, offering words of insight and/or wisdom as well as prayers along the way have all been quite helpful as a lot of days have been on the bad side rather than good.

In real life I keep a lot of what I'm going through to myself because it seems as if many of those around me can't quite handle me being "sick" or needing days to rest. Perhaps they are used to the "strong, independent Woman" they see me to be; that Woman is exhausted. On one hand I think perhaps that's what got me into this mess (regarding my health), then I remember those years of poor choices and bad decisions. Who knows why the choices I made manifested these conditions whereas many others have lived on the same diet, lack of exercise and smoking without seeing the negative impact yet others have no such luck. While making those poor decisions I thought of the possible outcomes and arrogantly considered I'd be one of those people who eat poorly, smoke a lot and live to be 105 or something. Unfortunately, that isn't my story at least it doesn't seem to be at this stage of the game. Each day I am awakened it now takes a while to recognize how I feel, taking a long time to find the mindset of positive thinking, manifestation and the like. 

Interestingly enough I have been practicing prayer for a very long time, later adding meditation, affirmations and the philosophy of positive thinking. Being conscience of the words I speak and write, sending well wishes in various scenarios, etc. Not saying "I don't deserve" to be sick, because life happens to us all; some would say this stop on the path of my journey was predestined, I don't know if I believe that. In my years of life as I've transitioned from a girl to a woman I've learned to leave God's business to God and once I say my prayer in faith to leave it to be done. Many people have proclaimed how "you got this" and I am praying each day for the strength, courage and sanity to do just that; you know, "beat cancer's ass". I know people may think that is what a person in this situation wants to hear and perhaps some do; unfortunately I am not one of those people. I do question at times the knowledge of spiritual information like, feeling in alignment or seeing angel numbers and such then finding yourself with such life altering ailments at such a young(ish) age.

I have plans to visit the beach soon as I am also anticipating the beauty of the Full Moon in the week's to come. I did some "grounding" the last time I was there; the sound of the waves with the sensation of the sand engulfing my feet as I sat at the beach, visualizing a life so different from the one I find myself living. I envision a soft life, in a realm of my dreams or perhaps my next lifetime; where I pray I hold onto the lessons learned thus far along with the wisdom and knowledge of how to do life better next time. I don't know enough about reincarnation to believe in it or not, but in some aspect I do believe that the soul is immortal so once we leave our bodies the soul moves on; maybe experiencing the womb and birthing process all over again. So, maybe I do believe in reincarnation in the simplest way I can imagine. I often request that my next life isn't as hard as this one has been. 

I am not requesting a life without challenges, we all have things in our lives that challenge us in ways only a particular path could; and overcoming those challenges often leads to wisdom, strength and/or a level of courage that is earned by coming though whatever the struggle was. I believe when I'm on the other side of cancer: after chemotherapy, radiation and surgery I will be a different person. I see glimpses of her some days, she's more "no nonsense" than I used to be; I used to be so laid back where everything was "okay" or going with the flow now I recognize some things I no longer want in my life and other areas where I should tighten up my boundaries. I heard somewhere this past week someone said "I don't want anything that doesn't want me" and I felt that in a way that caused me to re-evaluate things that I've been avoiding for some time.

For example: I don't want to continue with chemotherapy and I am unsure about how I feel about radiation however, would it be in my best interest to continue with this treatment plan [in an attempt to reduce the chances of growing cancer cells in the future]? Then I question whether the treatment will be as effective since it is an experience I do not want to have so my energy may be indifferent. How does the energy I bring to the situation help or harm me in this predicament? With the false sense of ease with the initial treatment followed by pain, hair loss and other side effects I will hope for a better outcome with the second treatment as this time I know of some preventative measures which should prevent the pain I experienced the other week. Unexpectedly, I have a flash of a film; "Fight Club" and I am remembering parts of the support group storyline and I feel alone. I have yet to attend the support group for breast cancer and I am unsure if I will (virtually or in person). I don't know how I would truly benefit from that experience as it was not helpful when attempting to visit support groups for bipolar or anxiety disorder.

I am visualizing a lot these days, finding more detail in how I'd like to spend my time. I intend to visit the beach more, spend more time with the Moon, have more adventures and speak the words I hold in. The feeling of being repressed is a different type of frustration, wanting to say words yet not having the words to say is a special type of writer's block that nothing in a book can prepare you for. I've been holding things in for a few days with a few people and I am weighing if I am being petty by not saying anything or if it's maturity in not saying things in a rush to prevent saying the wrong things. Giving time and space the opportunity to figure out the best words to share for an experience that's for the highest good to all involved. I know it may seem very disingenuous but in my heart and mind I've learned to pray for the best outcome for everyone, not solely how I want things to go. I used to be such a brat and selfish or perhaps self-centered. I've outgrown the antics of being that way even when it pops up on occasion.

I think I need a few more days to myself; with the beach, the Moon, a few loved ones, a lot of prayer, meditation and hopefully the tears that so longingly want to flow down my face, but won't for some reason. On Wednesday I was on the verge of tears the entire day; I nearly forgot about that until I asked myself as I typed those words, what do I want for the coming week? I want to find the space within where the tears will fall and each will release a story that I am holding onto that is no longer serving me. I want to shed the tears of the life I've lived thus far and release the ideas of how I thought things should have gone as opposed to facing the reality of the hand I've been dealt and playing it to the best of my ability. I believe I've done that to an extent, however, when I am being honest with myself I know there were times when I could have made a better decision had I researched or asked more questions or took a risk rather than play it safe. Those are the decisions I regret, causing me to ask myself for forgiveness and the ability to move forward without dwelling on those things.

I've been bracing myself for a truthful conversation with myself about the amount of reefer I consume. In lieu of smoking cigarettes I notice I've been smoking a lot more reefer, at times to combat stress and frustration and other times to settle side effects of cancer and chemotherapy. Nonetheless, I need to pull back a little [as I contemplate sparking another infused preroll]... upon opening the container I am pleasantly surprised to find two when I thought it was the last of this batch. It's early in the day and 4:20 a.m. just passed reminding me that I should honor the tradition of 4:20 and smoke this joint! Which also reminds me of the cannabis oil I've been holding onto and often slip my mind that I still have; it's time to make more hot beverages infused with cannabis oil. The only thing I dislike about these particular infused joints is how fast they burn, not allowing to type as I smoke without watching the joint burn up. Inhaling the smoke along with the lyrics of the music and the vibe I've created for myself puts me in a state of being that is relaxed yet full of thoughts and questions. 

I took to a couple of my social media outlets and wrote: "this would be the perfect time for me to hit the lottery..."  I then think of the good I could do for others and the thought of the quality of life I could create for myself almost brings those tears back to the surface. Then the song changes and my thoughts began to scatter a bit, it's Pink Floyd and I feel like I'm on a psychedelic ride into my dreams. The number of times I've dreamt about winning the lottery and going through the emotions of having won has caused me to question manifestation and what I am missing as I feel as if I should have manifested the jackpot by now. Half serious, I do wonder what element is causing this not to come true for me as of yet. It's interesting how some people say things like "God gives 'his' toughest battles to 'his' strongest soldiers" and it's always said at a time of adversity; I'd like to show the tough battle of maintaining wealth after winning the lottery. I'd rather that "battle" than the one I find myself "fighting".

It's 5 a.m. and I'm somewhere between hungry and sleepy when the thought of smoking another joint comes to mind while I am still feeling the effects of the last joint I smoked not too long ago. I've decided to take a nap and resume this expression when I awaken... 

it's only the beginning

The day after my first chemotherapy session went surprisingly well, that was until the time released medication hit me and I forgot the instructions to pre-medicate; causing me to have excruciating pain in my lower body. I've never experienced the sensation of my bones hurting! Then by the time I thought that would end I began to feel pains similar to an epidural at which point I contacted triage and they reminded me of the step I missed. Since incorporating that forgotten step I've been feeling better, with no pain.  Those days of pain were so uncomfortable I could not express it on the blogs, I just had to suffer through it until I was aware of my misstep and able to correct it. Needless to I have yet to join the gym...

I've been bored a lot lately, especially since withdrawing from my Spring courses. For me these days my main interest is my health… I have the same interests it’s just that I hate going everywhere alone. Now that I have to deal with cancer, my mortality is on my mind a lot and I no longer want to wait on anything that I can do for myself to bring me peace, happiness or fun. I’m just going to start doing more of what I want when I can. As the idea of doing that creates images in my imagination, I can tell the expression on my face is less than happy. I recall attending a concert with myself and although I was glad to be there, it just wasn't as fun as I had imagined it to be. True, I was able to experience it with a different perspective as I was by myself; I guess the element of bonding or some aspect of that was missing making the concert less enjoyable than had I gone with someone else or a group of others. 

The idea of going to a spa came to mind the other day and I reached out to a friend to join me, we've made plans to visit the spa plenty of times however, for various reasons it has yet to happen. So I've already prepared myself to go alone if it comes to that. The spa I've been looking into also has a paint and sip so I may explore that as well. As a bit of time passed I realize I don't want to do all of these things alone. Spending the majority of my life alone, I thought I had grown used to being my own social circle; there was a time when I was happy that way. These past couple of years I've longed for something different, not necessarily a relationship, more so companionship of sorts to experience various adventures, dining out or staying in playing cards and such. When I write those things I am reminded of a friend who I did those things with on a regular basis however, she is no longer with us. 

Perhaps it wasn't until this moment where I am truly missing my friend. She passed last August of I suppose natural causes; suddenly and unexpectedly. She was a deciding factor in me choosing to take my health more seriously, which has been a life changing path I've found myself on. Since stopping cigarettes, I've noticed I've also stopped drinking alcoholic beverages.  I've also find that my taste buds have changed and good food is hard to find. Eating used to be a slight pleasure even considering myself a "foodie" at some point, lately food has been too salty or overcooked; leaving much to be desired. Lastly, my hair has begun to come out, which has me devastated. For three days I watched as clumps of hair came out of my head, causing me to leave it pinned until my beautician returns next week. I don't want to look at my hair or deal with it myself as I don't know how much will continue to come out and what my reaction will be to the end result. 

I reached a point where I am considering stopping treatment, not solely because I've begun losing my hair; but in thinking of my quality of life going forward. Like, what good is a longer life expectancy when it's filled with doctor appointments, medications and other draining aspects of being "sick"? Then there's the chance the cancer can return... well that's possible either way in addition to the news that I am advised to have another surgery as there are precancerous cells elsewhere which will need to be dealt with. Initially it was understood that I would deal with that once I completed this round of treatment. This is a tough decision to make and it may take some time, especially since I have another treatment next week. 

In the very near future I intend to join the gym and possibly get a box subscription to cook at home more. By focusing on my quality of life I feel as if that will direct me into more adventures and better self-care and self-love as opposed to focusing on being sick and the effects I'm feeling because of it. I suppose it may sound to some as if I'm "giving up", but what exactly is giving up? Not continuing treatment is not the same as a death sentence these days, chemotherapy isn't the only way; depending on the outcome a person wants in the long run. We give things importance and we decide the level of importance those things have in our lives. Also giving the ability to choose what we want for ourselves even when others don't quite understand them. 

I often ask myself if the life I'm living is the life I want to "fight" for and the answer is no. The life I am living doesn't seem worth fighting for as it's full of appointments, errands and boredom. I have yet to learn my purpose and I feel as if I have yet to do anything impactful to contribute to society in any significant way. Then the thought "who's to say what fighting looks like?" as I am aware that it looks different for everyone finding themselves "battling" cancer. For me, the fight may be living life to the fullest with or without continuing treatment until the end; whenever that is. 

let's work it out

I was hesitant to share this, but what good would that do in documenting my story if I were not honest? 

Approximately 2016, I did not love myself very much; I was unhappy with various aspects of my life and began to make poor physical health decisions. Including beginning smoking cigarettes and other unhealthy habits regarding meal choices. Although I wrote on the blogs a few times, once on the first blog which was entitled "Getting Over vs. Going Through"  this post was so vague I hardly remember what I was getting over, well I do know what I was attempting to get over, but I barely recall what I was going through. After a few months of self-care and self-love I wrote an expression titled "The Moon, My Soul & Love: An Introduction"  by spending so much time and effort on my mental health due to the conditions I found myself with I had neglected by body and now I am reaping the outcome of that. Not as a punishment, but as a reality of what happens when a person has a poor dieting lifestyle in addition to poor exercise and lack of self-love.

It took a while to feel love, but I feel as if I am on the right track these days, learning and growing each day. So much so that for a moment I was not going to tell my doctor of the lump I thought I felt or the monthly pain I'd experienced; then I thought "it is breast cancer awareness month, why not?" and did. Lo and behold that was the best thing I could have done for myself.  So I guess I say all of this to say, I implore you as you read this to think of some health issue you've been neglecting or putting on the back burner for "tomorrow" or "another day", let that be tomorrow for sure and seek out the necessary assistance before it's too late and the damage is done.

On the bright side: I had my 1st chemotherapy treatment yesterday, I didn't know what to expect; but I prayed, meditated and tried my best to stay positive. It went better than I expected and today has been ideal. So far no discomfort and I am having a good day; no side effects or symptoms of something being wrong also drinking lots of fluids. I had a nap earlier and I am currently figuring out how to incorporate the gym into my weekly regimen, especially if I continue to feel this good after treatment so early in the week. I figure with the walk at the beach, a light work out at the gym and the necessary treatments I will remain active and should I shed some pounds I will be fit. 

you'll be alright

 "don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. unfold your own myth."

Rumi

Since disclosing my diagnosis and treatment plan I find many people have been supportive while others have been distant and few have shared their experiences or the experiences of loved ones, which are appreciated. I will be beginning chemotherapy this week and I will admit, I am scared and nervous; I don't know what to expect and although most side effects are common knowledge I am uncertain of how my being will respond to such treatments. I wish I could fast forward this year yet another part of me wants to cherish each moment and "make them count" for whatever reason. I recognize this is simply a stage along my journey, then the thought of where the journey leads comes to mind. As time passes by I am unsure of this journey I find myself on, perhaps the destination is where my spirituality leads me? I recall some time in 2013 I believe, I had a sort of awakening and to say my life has never been the same would be an understatement. I vaguely remember my life prior to the anxiety attack that lead to life as I know it, this was 2012. However, everything I've been through may have been preparing me for these moments when all I have is my faith. Seeing how only God can get me through this battle and I have to believe in what my soul is guiding me to. 

That may be the scariest part, the unknown. There are so many unknowns that come to mind on a daily basis or maybe I was too busy living life that I did not notice how much of life is unknown from minute to minute. I'm realizing how much is beyond our control and how vast God truly is. With each breath I am grateful, appreciative and at times regretful. I feel as if I am organizing my thoughts and rather than justify things I am taking accountability within myself for my life and the choices I've made thus far. Striving to be better with each day I get, recognizing how life truly is a gift and I for one am attempting to make the best of each moment I am here. This diagnosis has really put mortality into perspective for me, I recall being a teenager and young adult believing I was invincible and death was so far from me that I couldn't imagine not living. These days I think of death, I don't dwell or allow it to linger; but I think about it because of the many people who fought the battle with cancer and were unsuccessful. Then I think of the survivors and I have hope and faith that my treatment will go as imagined and I will come out of this. 

Taking a break from the book as things are unfolding concerning my current health issues, I feel as if the story is unfolding as well and it is unique to me as everything else has been; of course many may have experienced similar things the in's and out's of it all is unique to us all. My hope is that my unique journey being told helps someone along their journey. There has to be something good that comes of this life, there's a theory I find interesting; it's about soul contracts and how we all signed up for our life's experience. I find that hard to believe as the person I have become has yet to accept that I would have signed up for the life I've lived thus far. Which brings up the questions about my purpose and I am honestly too tired to go down that rabbit hole of thoughts. I find myself tired more often than before the surgery, my appetite is quite strange as well. A lot of the time I feel nauseas and if I am not feeling queasy I am hungry. I am slimming down, but in my mind not fast enough, then I think of starting chemotherapy and hoping I don't lose too much weight too fast where I look sick. During meditation I visualize myself at a healthy weight, with the appropriate fullness in my face and body. I also visualize my hair, strong and healthy.

I will admit, I am nervous as I don't know how this story will play out while I've mentioned in real time that I am going to document it; so to speak. Unfortunately, I had to withdrawal from my courses this semester as I don't know how I'll be feeling in the coming weeks and since learning the news of my treatment plan I could not concentrate or focus on my studies or assignments. I felt that was the best way to go in order to keep my GPA in good standing. With so much time on my hands these days I make sure to find time to rest and meditate on my ideal outcome; I pray that even if it doesn't go as I ideally want it to I hope for something close as this life has been quite the hard knock, as I said, I would not have signed up for in a soul contract of sorts. I feel as if I've seen more hard, tough or sad days than the opposite and I've said over the years I'd like to switch places with my alternate Universe me. Not necessarily wanting to end this life, but morph it into the one I dreamt of. I dream of the alternate Universe me as someone who "has it together", is living life and being the best version of myself there is. The catch is, that version of myself doesn't have the worries of bad health and the opposite of wealth. 

I don't know if it's more of a dream or a fantasy, great health, wealth, happiness and success. The idea that it would be a fantasy says a lot seeing that people experience that life each day, just not me in this lifetime. I want that to change however, I don't know how much time I have to make it a reality. My doctors say since I am young with the proposed treatment plan I can live a long life, which is the goal. Since the surgery I've smoked 1 and a half cigarette before realizing I do not want to smoke them any longer; so it's just been reefer. Lately, it's been Cereal Milk, Acapulco Gold and Maui Wowie until I was introduced to Purple Trainwreck which I believe inspired me to write this weekend; because of its talkative effects. I've even made inside jokes with myself about my next lifetime and at times I wonder if that manifested my current condition as a way of rushing this one. I do pray my next lifetime is the way I envision it and not a series of hardships to endure or overcome. I believe I've experienced that enough to have learned many lessons on the topic. I feel as if I am ready for a soft life, a life where dreams come true and happiness isn't a rarity. 

With the Full Moon changing phases soon I felt the energy of calmness urging me to be present in the moment and enjoy life as it is without being angry that it is not how I want it to be all of the time. Also, finding an outlet for the anger without being in denial of its existence. I want to feel my feelings and allow them the safe space to express themselves as the challenges I find myself facing are not always easy to handle. On occasion I find myself in a space of liberation, feeling that I don't want to engage with meaningless bullshit or give energy to things that don't serve me in the long run. I have some changes to make in regard to how I treat myself, no longer allowing it to wait until my next lifetime, but incorporating those simple elements to my daily routine until they become second nature. For instance, I believe it would be in my best interest to begin a vegan lifestyle; however, I don't necessarily want to so I haven't. Treating myself better would be taking baby steps into such diet and do my best to expand until I create an alkaline body for myself.

I don't want to rush this life yet I don't want to live a life full of illness and unhappiness. I'm ready to experience something new, make choices that are for my future self rather than decision that are short term. I'm finding it difficult to think long term though and I don't know how to overcome that aspect of the diagnosis. At a moments notice I decide to head to the beach, I need nature; especially one the last night of the Full Moon, the water will do me good. Take some time to sit with nature and commune with God in preparation for the week ahead. I'm praying it goes well and I have little or no discomfort. I don't know how realistic that is, but I'm sure it isn't impossible to experience. I believe it is possible for me to have that experience however, I will let you know how the week goes at some point. Hopefully I'll write more since I have more time on my hands with no coursework to complete, but I pray that time isn't redirected to resting because I'm not feeling well. 

more than a dream

These diamond infused pre-rolls make me feel light and airy, I still haven't smoked a cigarette since surgery last week. For now reefer has been enough to keep me in the desired state of being. I have not had much fun in quite some time and it's beginning to take its toll. I'm deciding with a friend about a "puff & paint" class next weekend and if we're both available to attend. The paintings aren't of anything I'm totally into painting, but the activity of it all would be where the enjoyment is; at least I hope that is the case. A night out with a friend, painting and smoking with maybe a nice sized edible? That sounds like a good night! Hopefully I can find more of these Jefferey's -cereal milk strain I've been talking about recently, they are infused with flower, keif, terpenes, etc. The combination of the strain with the various properties of the plant can be overwhelming in the sense of how relaxing and comfortable I feel once I partake.

I have plans to visit the beach soon and I am looking forward to it, there's been a lot of space between now and the last time I was there; so much so that I don't recall how long it's been. With the approaching Super New Moon I can feel the energy manifesting desires and intentions as a Super Moon is believed to be very powerful. The thought of my desires manifesting has my mind attempting to understand this new journey concerning my health which I believe has allowed me to adapt a mindset of having more compassion as well as realizing quickly how I'd like to spend my time and how valuable time really is. Although I've mostly kept a positive disposition in regard to my newfound challenge, the morbid humor comes to mind on occasion remembering none of us are aware of our last moments therefore I should be more mindful of how I am spending my moments.

Which allowed me to be open minded about rekindling a couple "friendships", feeling as if in the past I may have chosen not to reach out in one case and in the other choosing not to respond. In the one I chose to respond I was able to recognize something within myself I would like to improve, which is doing things out of sheer boredom. Initially when I saw the message my thought was to delete then I thought it over for a night and decided to reply which only left me disappointed. I have decided not to allow boredom to dictate my behavior, especially in instances which have proven in the past to be undesirable in the long run. After our exchange I have yet to hear anything from said individual, which is a delight. The other individual, contact was initiated by me; I learned of "good" news and decided to send a congratulatory message which was well received. One thing I've missed about this acquaintance was the ability to contact them at random, finding things to talk about or engage with.

Since opening the line of communication I have found myself bored less often which says a lot based upon the restrictions post surgery and being homebound much more than usual. I have an urge to smoke, but I have not purchased any cigarettes and the plan is to get to my appointment this week as I've shared before. That would mark two (2) weeks of not smoking a cigarette which seemed like a massive feat prior to surgery. I can honestly say I tried my best to stop smoking after I mentioned it on the blog, but I did not see myself not smoking until I awakened from the anesthesia. As the day went on and there were no thoughts of smoking I decided to "see" when the urge would hit me and it didn't for days. Now when the urge hits me I just think of the fact that I haven't smoked one in however many days and the sense of pride comes to me which perhaps signals a "hit" of dopamine replacing the need for a cigarette? 

The thought to have a snack instead of a cigarette takes over and the selection of toasted coconut breakfast biscuits are the perfect treat paired with dried cranberries, roasted almonds and cheese. I will admit, more pleasurable for my mouth than a cigarette by far. Now that the music is playing I am getting a better sense of my thoughts and what I'd like to share. I mentioned earlier about how I'd like to spend my moments; realizing how I truly can not underestimate this cancer journey. Prior to this I would question myself all the time about what I thought my purpose was or being obsessed with not knowing what my purpose is, I feel it's a different quest when you have no idea what may "take you out", but when your opponent has a name, it's a lot easier to leave the distractions behind and figure out what you're here to do. At least that has been my outlook. 

Not wanting to fall victim to this diagnosis I have committed to certain things which should give me a better chance at beating it than if I didn't adhere to some advice. Not jumping at every urge I have seems to be allowing me to find discipline within myself that I've struggled with for some time now. Not truly understanding when or how it began, just knowing that it has attached itself to me and until now has dominated some of my behavior is something worth getting to the root of. That is one of the reasons I believe I smoked as much as I did, smoking with nearly every urge to do so, I don't know if that's what brought about this particular situation, but it has crossed my mind a time or two. Along with doing or saying things out of boredom, was not serving my highest good and I am glad I have the opportunity to remove that behavior from my being. 

Somehow I feel my younger self rejoicing from within, I am not sure of the age; perhaps it's the age I realized I'd developed abandonment issues as a child. I won't go into detail with my theories, but I will admit how they seemed to present themselves as mentioned above. Although I no longer reach out as much as I have in the past I have begun to give more thought into the messages I am sending and whether or not I am sending said message for a particular response. Not only was that anxiety provoking it resulted in many urges to smoke and usually that was cigarettes. I've also decided not to obsess so much about my purpose, with the time and attention it takes to manage mental as well as physical illnesses I believe doing that well will require so much of my energy that whatever my purpose is would have to be revealed that way. 

In all honesty, realizing the things I just said about my purpose lifted a huge weight I did not realize I was carrying. Although I did not plan to reveal this aspect of my journey as soon as I did, it was always my intention to share this journey, especially with those of you who have been around since the other blog. I feel as if we've grown so much together that had I kept posting such cryptic expressions it would have been obvious that something major was going on. Nevertheless, I am happy to have unveiled my secret so to speak because it was a lot keeping it from you all for those months. 

A day has passed and I enjoyed the beach, the sunset and some quality time with my thoughts. I even came across a strain named "Daydream" unfortunately however, I have not found any information about it. I am attempting to gather the feelings and emotions I am currently having yet the thought of being in a day dream engulfs my brain. I feel as if I am having a moment of enlightenment, seeing a version of myself I've only seen for a brief time in 2012- 2013. That was the time when I first took a leave from work and accepted my mental illnesses, on the bright side however, I had "lost" approximately sixty (60) pounds and was at my goal weight. I looked and felt great, the best I've ever felt and have been striving to return to that state of being. I see myself shedding the pounds slowing getting to a new goal weight. 

I believe if I put aside the lazy ways that I have and begin exercising and juicing regularly I can obtain that goal faster than what I have allotted to do so. Since surgery I've walked a total of three (3) miles, now that I'm approaching the third (3rd) week I have found a new way to view the fitness; rather than feeling as if I can not walk alone, I am determined to prove to myself that I am committed to my fitness and overall health journey. Realizing that walking until I can hike and run are the first steps to obtaining the figure I am looking forward to having. As a title finally popped in my mind I am fixated on the dreams I have for myself and the time I have to accomplish them. I don't mean all of my dreams, because some of those are more like fantasies or wishful thinking; I mean the dreams that can be accomplished if I get out of my way and take the necessary actions to see them become a reality. 

Acknowledging it's going to take more than dreams to make these goals manifest into my reality. I have to actually put in some work to make sure the small goals lead to the bigger ones until I see the version of myself that I desire to become. In addition to the superficial goals I feel as if I need to make some meaningful goals as well, I'll ponder on that and perhaps share at a later time. The thought to read Queen Afua's book and journal comes to mind, funny because I looked at them the other day and told myself I was not ready; in this moment I no longer find that to be true. Since the journal is for eighty-four (84) days I think I may begin on February 1st and continue for the necessary time to see what results come from it. I feel a sense of accountability every time I share these types of things with you, because I've written my intentions in a public forum for the Universe to take notice of. So it only leaves the rest of the work to me, doing the daily tasks necessary to get the goal achieved.

After checking the weather for the week and scheduling errands and appointments, I will put in various days and times to exercise provided my doctor clears me for more than just walking. Aside from that I will stay hydrated and work on eating better meals until I can research the best juicer for me. I can see my skin detoxing from the cigarettes and I will admit I feel some type of way, the silver lining is knowing that it's temporary; which gives me a sense of delight in the fact that once the toxins are flushed from my body the regenerated, healthy skin will shine forth. Which gives me a sense of excitement, it's been a long while since I was completely happy with the reflection looking back at me. Based on poor choices from dietary to the obvious, smoking cigarettes my body is not the way I envision it, but that is changing with each new decision I am making to be a better me.

I believe I've shared quite a bit today, so until next time... be well. 

blame the reefer

I don't often feel as if I rush expressions, but the one I published yesterday "100" feels rushed after I re-read it.  I will admit, my concentration was scattered and I probably should've taken a moment to refresh my thoughts, feelings and emotions before I attempted to update you all without really saying much. I blame the reefer, cereal milk (infused with diamonds) which can have that effect on me at times. The lightheartedness that comes when I smoke this strain can have me overlook some things or not be as thorough as I like to be. Feeling as if I am keeping things from you all makes me not want to share yet when I smoke strains such as cereal milk I am compelled to write, which means sharing. So here goes...

In November [2023] I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the surgery I had on Tuesday was to remove the lump I found in my breast in October. I wasn't sure I'd share that until my post surgery appointment with my oncologist to learn the status and next steps along this newfound journey in regard to my health. When my friend passed last August many of you may know that I took a serious assessment of my health and decided to make some improvements. Which lead to a detox which lead to me finally taking notice of the pain in my right breast that had been bothering me for months. Well, it took until October to fully get my attention, but I am grateful that it did; forcing me to discuss what was happening with my primary physician. Test were done and the diagnosis was what it was, and now you're all caught up.

I used to envision my journey as a series of forks in the road with my soul guiding me in each decision. Now the idea of being dealt a hand and playing it as best as I can, but in this case I feel as if I don't know the game. It seems as if every time I organize the hand I've been dealt the rules change or I don't know the name of the game. That's what it felt like with this diagnosis, like a wild card fell out of the deck and I had to readjust. With no time to form a game plan I realized I had to be "strong" so I would not fall apart before the fight even began.  Prior to this diagnosis I was thinking a lot about manifesting a lifestyle apart from the "hard knock life" which has had me in a chokehold for far longer than I wish to admit. Then this... As cliche as it sounds I am reminded of a saying about "God giving his hardest battles to 'His' strongest soldiers" which is at times the only thing giving me peace during this time.

But I can also admit I am tired of "being strong" since the pain and diagnosis I have not had much time to really feel my feelings. I've had to process information and make decisions with little time for strategizing a long term plan. Which is why I believe I became paranoid concerning death and the possibility of not making it out of surgery. The extent in which the doctors were aggressive with making appointments, collecting data and urging me to stop smoking [a goal I'd made long before finding the lump]. Interestingly enough the day of my surgery I had few thoughts (if any) of smoking once I awakened and I have not had a cigarette since the day before. My goal for now is to make it to my two (2) week appointment with being able to tell my oncologist that I have not smoked a cigarette since. I was concerned that smoking reefer would give me an urge to smoke a cigarette as I would have done in the past out of habit. 

Speaking of habits, since it takes twenty-one (21) days to form a habit I figure I'd count the days and update my calendar with my goal of not smoking cigarettes. Funny, the day turns out to be a day that I have errands with my Aunt who is a non-smoker so I wouldn't have smoked that day anyway, which makes me think I can last until then. Since I shared the diagnosis with some loved ones I've noticed the different responses as well as some unexpected support from others who were on a need to know basis. Even after the lump has been removed and I am unsure when treatment will begin some don't quite check on me as much as I would like, while others are extremely attentive checking on me frequently. I am doing my best not to take things personally as people handle such things in their own ways and who's to say which way is right or "wrong"?  

I believe that's an area in which I have shown myself growth, as the brat of yesteryear would have sent texts stating how I felt neglected or thrown some sort of tantrum for not being the center of everyone's world during my time of "need". Dealing with matters myself took its toll however, I am proud to say my mental health maintained without the need for hospitalization. That's always the measure of stability, not allowing things to escalate to that level of help being necessary. Anyway, the music is nice, the joints were awesome and I feel relaxed; perhaps because I got that off my chest so to speak. As time goes on I know I have this space to share my thoughts, feelings, emotions as well as hopes and maybe even some dreams.  Feeling free to share everything is liberating. I suppose that was the feeling I was unfamiliar with yesterday; the liberation of this particular journey and my new age. 

100

Thank you all for the many prayers and birthday messages, as you may be aware I survived surgery!  Expressing my concerns while attempting to hide somethings going on with me, I was happy to get a bit of it off my chest in the last expression "close to a milestone". As I embrace my new age I must take some time to be completely transparent with myself before sharing on such a public outlet. Which brings me to another thing worth acknowledging, Thank you to all of you who find the time to engage with the blogs. As many new locations appear in the stats, I am at times surprised and curious to know how particular countries found my words. Also hopeful, that something I've shared has been meaningful in some way. In this moment I am filled with gratitude and an awareness of myself that is unfamiliar; perhaps it came with the new age. 

In my plans to stop smoking for the past few months, I am happy to admit that I have not smoked a cigarette since the day before surgery; which is about a week now. While completing coursework, meditating and caring for myself as I heal I found myself frustrated and wanting to smoke. Not necessarily a cigarette, but the urge to smoke would not shake from me so I ordered some diamond infused joints. The frustration left me and now I feel as high as I want to be and in the mood to listen to music and write to you all in an update of sorts. I believe I have decided to possibly disclose matters at hand once I complete two (2) weeks post surgery. I still need time and thought into how I feel about things along with what I understand things to be since having it and how much I want to share with you all. I don't have much to share in this expression, I just wanted to touch basis with you and let you know I am okay...

close to a milestone

The blog is nearly at 100 posts which makes me a bit reflective causing me to re-read a post from 2020 on the other blog interestingly enough titled "untitled". I say interestingly enough because many of the things I spoke of in that expression are things on my mind recently. I've been debating on sharing some things with you all that was hinted within the last expression on this blog titled "how high do you want to get?", I figure I'll allow my fingers to do the talking and see what my heart wants to share.  

I don't know how to share the whole story of it all, but I will say I have a surgery scheduled soon; feeling a bit scared I thought perhaps if I stopped hiding it from you all some of the fear would decrease. I ask for your prayers and well wishes as I get through this difficult time. Once it's all said and done I believe it's a story to be told in a chapter of the book. I will admit I have begun writing it, which brought about many thoughts of what the point of it is; like, what is the whole story? 

I believe I will have a clearer picture once this chapter comes to pass and I can tell the story in retrospect rather than as it is happening. As I took a break to run to the store and get gas I realized why I smoke so many Mango Kush pre-rolls; it's because they are only .5 grams. Not a lot even with a moderately high thc percentage of nearly 27%, although I am beginning to have a higher tolerance I'm finding that the infused joints get the job done a little better than the "plain" ones. 

Once I recognized the number of expressions I've contributed to this blog I couldn't help but to notice I've been blogging on here for nearly 10 years! (another milestone). Seemingly last year was a great year for the blog with lots of views from all over the world, which reminds me of this being the first expression of 2024, therefore I would like to take a moment and wish you all a very Happy New Year! I hope your celebration and the first week of the year has been full of love and joy. As I mention before I have been a bit scared and anxious since mid-December when I learned of this surgery.

Nonetheless, I pray for many more expressions to come, my next thought was to end the expression then I thought that would be the easy way out after sharing such news with you. I am not quite ready to dive deeply into my feelings and emotions at the moment yet I will say I can find happiness in the awareness that I have this outlet and you all to share with as it does ease my mind a little.Thoughts of lighting another joint comes to mind as I await my (late) dinner. Music and the aroma of White Widow x Strawberry Fields infused pre-roll lingers along with the Mango Kush and I am in a trance of a feeling I am not familiar with. 

I figure acknowledging the various milestones which are approaching gives me a sense of accomplishment of sorts. Another sense of accomplishment comes from the idea I'll be a step closer to my degree as I complete the 2024-2025 school year. Seeing how I began in 2022 out of boredom and now I am entertaining the thought of obtaining a degree and writing that book I've spoken of several times over the years makes me feel as if I am walking into my purpose. Another concept I think of often, but the weed has "kicked in", I'm hungry and dinner is ready...

Until next time.

how high do you want to get?

“I know you’re tired but come, this is the way.”

~Rumi

This year really tried me, tired me out, but the fight has just begun. As 2024 approaches and a New Year along with a new age finds me at a point in my life that I've never imagined. I feel as if I am in an alternate Universe and praying I find my way back to the life of my dreams. I am not quite ready to share exactly what has been going on with me, but I will say the past two (2) months have been a challenge to say the least. I find myself inspired by the simplest things and finding gratitude in the most unlikely spaces. I've fallen in love with the music I entertain as well as the gift of creativity. I could share some cliché parables regarding the matters at hand, but I figure that would only leave confusion in my vague attempt to share without actually sharing. When the time is right I will discover the best outlet to share; until then we'll just move on to figuring out what this expression is actually about. 

As usual the music plays and the smoke fills the room as I explore my thoughts which lands on my birth date, thinking of what I'd like to do to celebrate (although it isn't a milestone year; technically, yet for personal reasons I feel as if it will be a milestone for me). Realizing I may have smoked about an eighth yet I feel as if I should smoke a little more; I don't know if my tolerance is too high or if I may have outgrown this strain. Or perhaps, since I am not interacting with anyone at the moment I do not realize how high I actually am? The strain of choice has been Mango Kush however, I think I may need to switch it up to the infused Acapulco Gold for its creative, energetic and uplifting effects. 

Now I feel myself a little giggly and as I type that seems to be the talkative aspect of the Mango Kush mixing with the Acapulco Gold. It's a pleasant hybrid combining the elements of both strains to create a happy disposition. I took a break from writing for a few days and decided I wanted to conclude this expression as the last one of 2023. In the midst of the writing break I was able to spend some time with the last Full Moon of the year. I felt hopeful in those moments, feelings of love and happiness filled me at those times. As I pray for those feelings to come again I believe this year has taught me a lot about myself. Giving myself the opportunity to improve upon some things that I feel are not as strong as they could be as well as exude or enhance the things I believe I am doing "right". My prayer for 2024 is for more love, times of happiness, strength, courage, prosperity and good health; to name a few things. 

I mentioned earlier about the amount of reefer I've inhaled within the past few days and I did hear a song which one of the lyrics asked "how damn high are you tryna get?", knowing that was the title for this expression I did have to ask it of myself. I have no answer as of yet, I just know I  have not reached the heights of where I'd like to be in my celebration of the final day of 2023. Enjoying the atmosphere I've created for myself with loved ones near by I feel as if my choice of where to spend the day was in my favor. Thoughts of my higher self came to mind, allowing me to recognize I am almost as high as I would like to be, causing me to figure out a plan of pacing myself for the hour of the moment. Taking a moment to review January's calendar I realize I have one (1) more week of a break until Spring semester begins. 

Oh, I nearly forgot; I have an update in regard to my weight loss journey, After many years of struggling I have lost another twenty (20) pounds! For the first time in a long time I am seeing results and have even found myself saying (to myself) "this time next year..." which is monumental for me in these times of uncertainty. I am thankful to you all for your support throughout the year and into the years to come. I wish you all success, happiness, love as well as the desires of your heart...

Until next time... Happy New Year!

chapter 2023

It's the beginning of December and it seems as if the year flew by; I hope you all enjoyed the recent "holiday" and got a chance to spend quality time with loved ones. So far I have a few appointments set up along with the end of the Fall semester, which made me realize I'll be out of school for about a month. For those who know me personally, you can imagine how much anxiety this realization created. The idea of the amount of time I spend studying and completing assignments which allows me to progress in my education, but also eases some of the boredom I find myself experiencing on a regular basis. I've already looked into a few puff & paint classes, I even looked into sip & paint; only because I really want to paint although I would rather puff than sip. 

Two (2) joints in and as I sit at my laptop random thoughts cross my mind, beginning with a thought about music and how much I enjoy discovering new artists and their work. Now I am remembering the month off which is approaching and I will admit, I am not looking forward to it. Since beginning this expression I have completed all of my assignments as well as my Philosophy final exam. So now I just wait until my GPA is updated and prepare for Spring semester. I am happy with the fact, I did my best this semester and that's all I can do...

I had a quick thought to begin writing a book while I have this time off, seeing how I'll only have scheduled appointments and errands with so much "free time" to delve into a couple of chapters. The question comes to mind: "where do I begin?" and I am not quite sure, as we enter chapter 2024 I thought of making that the beginning then I remembered it has yet to begin.  On to other thoughts, mainly about lighting this joint; which I have done since writing the thought of it. Mango Kush is on the menu and for an indica, I feel creative, relaxed, and a bit talkative; among other things. The music and marijuana has created a nice vibe, almost allowing me to feel "free". 

Seeing how this expression is entitled "chapter 2023" I feel compelled to write something concerning a retrospective view as well as some thoughts in regard to the upcoming year. Truth is, I don't have much to say about 2023; I will admit it has been a life altering year for me however, I am not ready to discuss on this outlet.  Taking a moment to check the weather I realize I want to be sitting on the beach, smoking some joints, listening to music with good company. Unfortunately, that won't be tonight, now I have to entertain myself indoors and aside from the beach I realize I am doing what I want with the exception of the atmosphere. 

After another two (2) joints, I realize it's the Acapulco Gold making me creative and feeling free. I've only heard of this strain so when the opportunity presented itself for me to get it I jumped at the chance! I am happy I did. I totally forgot I smoked it in between the Mango Kush. I feel a bit of anxiety as it leaves my body and thoughts that were plaguing me are beginning to leave my mind. I want this feeling to last forever, but realistically with bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression that's a lot to ask. 

Rocko smoked with me and now he's asleep, so with the exception of the music it is extremely quiet. Leaving me thinking about said book and where to begin, again. I am finally "high" and feeling a little anti-social as I don't want anyone to "ruin" it for me. As some of you may know, I don't completely remember my childhood; however, I have chosen not to dig into it as I feel there is a reason those memories are suppressed. So the question of where I began is a little confusing, do I begin with the memories that are fresh in my mind or the onset of these illnesses? I had a thought to begin with the first expression made "public" and going from there with relevant information in an autobiographical form. 

I suppose as the close of the year approaches I recognize how thankful and grateful I am for the life I live. I am blessed and I don't think I acknowledge that enough. Although I have various health and wellness issues, every thought and experience from the beginning up until now have been far better than it could have been. Thoughts of my Dad come to mind and I am engulfed in love, remembering the man he was and the things he taught me are priceless and I am happy to have had him in my life for those 38 years. Now that my Mom and I are bonding and getting to know one another better, I feel as if I have a completeness that calms me and lets me know that I am not alone. I feel as if this expression is a bit scattered yet I don't know how to bring it back together. 

Until next time...

floating in a pleasant mind and body high

Staring at the page thoughts of what to share flood my mind. I have a pretty eventful week approaching and although I said recently that I wasn't quite in the mood to socialize, I think my mind may have changed. Party tonight, appointments on Tuesday then Thanksgiving on Thursday. As always I will not be participating in the rush of stores on "Black Friday", however, I may take advantage of some "Cyber Monday" sales... I don't know if you call them anniversaries or memorials, but this time last year I was involved in a car accident, which I am still recovering from mentally as well as physically (slightly). I've been able to recognize areas in my mind where there is fear in regard to driving at times. It is my intention to overcome such fear and return to a place where I enjoy driving again. 

As words to share begin to escape me I listen to the lyrics of the song playing in an attempt to generate some type of inspiration. Another song plays... Thoughts of coursework comes to mind causing me to address the matter so that I can get back to writing something for "fun". Thinking of the three (3) joints I've smoked this morning, I am contemplating going to get more from the car. I don't know why Ieft them there; but they're there nonetheless. A memory of my walks on the beach come to mind in a montage and I recall witnessing the Sun rise over a course of days. Feelings of longing comes to my being as I wish I had seen the Sun rise this morning, starting my week off with gratitude and admiration. 

A month or two (2) ago while on an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day", I treated myself to lunch and as I awaited a table I decided to go into a shop where I found a couple cute dresses. One in particular has become one of my favorites as it is black with white polka dots and has pockets. Two (2) of my favorite things; polka dots and dresses with pockets! When I purchased said dress I thought to myself "I can wear this to the party" then I smiled. The only thing is I should have purchased a pair of shoes at the same damn time, I have a pair to wear, but I think I could've found some that fit together better. Nevertheless, today is the day and I have what I have so I'll make it work. 

I will admit, there was a debate on whether I'd attend or not, once the decision came to me I now the question is am I going to wash my hair or save that for another day? Deciding to embrace my natural hair has become quite liberating. I am in love with the products I've discovered and am even happier with the fact that many of them come from Black, women, owned companies. The other debate is whether I'll polish my nails a color or leave them with the clear shine they have as of now. These seem like simple things, but with anxiety I have to cover all of my bases or I'll somehow talk myself into not going or waiting until it's too late to make those time consuming decisions. 

I don't know what it is about November, but I seem to have the most life changing events occur during this month. Over the years I've experienced three (3) car accidents, a life changing decision as well as a life changing diagnosis. As I hear from deep within "pity, party of 1" I disregard the direction this expression could go in and decide to keep things fun and embody the lessons learned rather than allow myself to engage in a "pity party". That was a part of my reasoning in debating going out tonight or not, I feel the desire to be surrounded by loved ones, good music, good food and good reefer; all of my many favorite things. 

As I think of bringing this expression to an end I realize I'd have nothing to do after pressing "publish" so the answers are clear of what to do next; wash my hair and polish my nails. I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend and as always until next time...

fly me to the Moon

"fly me to the Moon/ and let me play among the stars..."

Doris Day, fly me to the Moon (in other words)

With the weather being moody I haven't been on my fitness routine as I would like to be. It's projected to rain soon and of course I will not take the risk of getting sick. Also, my efforts to stop smoking [cigarettes] has become more challenging than expected. Receiving some not so pleasant news recently has me smoking as usual rather than the decrease I saw prior to said news. However, through it all I've decided to create an alkaline body for myself, one which I suppose I won't have the desire to smoke a cigarette any longer. 

I am looking forward to the week break from coursework and studies, although I do plan to read a chapter for my Philosophy course in order to get a jump start on the week to come. Again, had I planned this out better I would be on an island right now; yet here we are...

Yesterday when I titled this expression I wanted to get on a jet plane and fly to the Moon, today; not so much. In other words, I've come to terms with things and have made a decision to recalibrate my body; from the inside out. I began in September (approximately) taking various herbs and supplements which I intend to increase as the month progresses. Kush Mints has helped with my well-being as of today, the feelings of relaxation and euphoria combined with the soothing spa sounds of "New Blue Sun" has transformed me into a new mindset. One where I recognize progress while setting new goals for myself.

I will admit, there was a time in the not so distant past where I'd ask myself "do you have any goals?" unfortunately, the answer was "no" more times than not. Since August that has changed. Believing in myself to reach my goals while acknowledging the work that is required to achieve them has brought me a newfound joy. As Thanksgiving approaches I find myself not much in a mood to socialize, for not good reason; perhaps it's the bipolar disorder or anxiety speaking. Nevertheless, as of now I would like nothing more than to stay home, cook something simple and relax as the world works itself into a frenzy preparing for the holidaze [Thanksgiving, Black Friday & Cyber Monday].

As the midnight hour approaches and sleep is ever present, I will call it a night and hopefully get the urge to share again before the holidaze begin.

Until next time...

passion

 "I am dominated by Love, by my passion of love for Love"

Rumi

I am consumed with love not in the sense of how love is depicted in romantic films or songs; well, maybe some songs, but it is otherworldly. In how I care for my loved ones and show love to myself, I recently spoke of love languages in my last expression, "green lights all the way" and after completing yet another 5 love languages quiz I now accept that my love language is all of 'em! The quiz suggests that some love languages are stronger than others, however, for me, I feel as if it depends on the mood I'm in. I am not that big on receiving gifts yet on some occasion I love to receive them, especially if they are thoughtful and meaningful. I also have a strong desire to be touched, often; but not by any one it has to be particular people in a particular way. I am not saying the quiz or its results are flawed, I just believe that the importance of each changes from moment to moment depending on the state of mind a person is in. Perhaps because the Christmas season and my birth day is approaching has the thought of gifts on my mind, which is rare. 

I never considered myself a passionate person, although I can be at times; showing such a strong emotion is also rare for me. Yet since my expression "desire" I've taken some time to re-examine my heart and find the things not only that I desire, but also what I am passionate about. I used to get confused about desires and passions believing the words were interchangeable; I now recognize their differences. When seeking within I found that my desire and passion is for love. When I was a young girl dreaming of my future I never envisioned marriage or children; although I have a child and have never been married, I still have no desire to be. The love I desire starts from within and exudes toward another; I am passionate about the Moon, my writing, my self-awareness or should I say self-discovery, a few other things and my lover. While I desire to write well, win the lottery and be the best version of myself as possible, to name a few things. As I share those words with you I am reminded of someone saying how "secretive" I am; I used to be extremely vague in my writing because I was sharing with unknown people and thought if someone I knew read my words they'd be invited into a special part of my life that I often choose to keep private. I've since chosen to be more open and clear with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

Despite the fact I have a title for this expression, somehow I don't have all of the words; I don't want to end here yet I don't necessarily want to stop and begin again at a later time. I thought the words would flow through me as I was off to a good start, but I think my train of thought has drifted elsewhere... I've returned to my playlist in hopes of finding the words I had in my heart to share before drifting off topic. Sometimes I day dream or get caught in memories of my lover which engulf my thoughts, since I have chosen not to write about him I am conflicted on where this expression should go even though the title suggests I write about my passions. I will admit, I've had a cocktail and blue dream so I am floating a bit along with the music. As many of you may recall, blue dream is one of my favorite strains; as it has creative, uplifting and energetic effects associated with it. In this moment I wish I were painting, on canvas; something pretty and happy. Unfortunately, because of the holidaze the puff and paint I'd like to attend only has paintings I am disinterested in. So I figure I'll take another look next month or at the start of the year. 

Thoughts of my lover creep into my thoughts again and I am reminded of our last encounter a few days ago. Tingles run up and down my spine as I recall his hands on my body and in my (natural) hair. As his hands caressed me I felt as if I were in another world, one which only consisted of he and I. As usual, I didn't want those moments to end however we both had errands and other obligations so our rendezvous was cut short. There's nothing I can do, but love him; in all the ways I know how. I've thought myself to love; I used to be so harsh and a bit of a "man" in the stereotypical sense when it came to love, feelings, and emotions in my youth. As I've grown into the woman I've become, choosing to leave those things in my past in order to allow love to flow freely and intentionally.  

Which brings me to an exchange that began yesterday, a "gentleman" I knew many Moons ago contacted me; after 14-15 years to apologize for something done at that time. Initially I simply blocked and deleted him and his apology, I later discussed the situation with a friend who reminded me things learned through therapy so I replied. His response to what I shared seemed disingenuous to me so again I blocked and deleted the conversation, choosing to leave it in the past where it belongs. Yet, it has crept into my present and I am not sure what I am to learn from this. I believe it is a chance for me to re-evaluate my interactions with my male friends and possibly my lover as well. Perhaps this situation popped up to show me when and why I can be so guarded when it comes to my heart (feelings and emotions) as well as in various encounters, that's where my lover comes to mind. Maybe, this is a chance for me to let go a bit more and be more open to love and being loved.

Above most things I am passionate about my well-being (mental, spiritual, emotional, etc.) so this disruption of my peace was not welcomed. Now I must re-examine my heart again with these newfound emotions that have come to the surface. I realize how the encounter years ago effected the issues I already had with trust, I also recognize some of those walls I spoke of in "green lights all the way" realizing the walls weren't just there for no reason. Various encounters put each brick where they were placed for a legitimate reason, however, perhaps it's time to examine said bricks and remove those which are no longer necessary. I feel as if this situation has presented itself as I've shared with you all my desire to be the best version of myself as I can be. With this situation, although it is now over the lingering thought is how can I use this information to provide closure I never knew I needed? and going forward how can I repair my heart from damage I never realized was there? 

The lesson I learned years ago after dealing with the person who recently apologized has been a very good practice thus far and I do not intend to change it. The question is what has it hindered that has been sort of a blindspot for me when it comes to interactions with men? In a sense of the time it may take to evaluate that question I will save that for another time as this expression is about something altogether different. In the meantime I am enjoying the fact that all of my coursework is done and I have a week off in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday. I decided to celebrate with a couple shots of Jameson and writing something I also enjoy (this expression). Reluctantly, I must end this expression as it has gotten quite lengthy. I intend to share again before the holiday, however, if the words escape me I wish you all a happy and safe holiday to share with loved ones. I hope you all have someone to spend the day with and if you find yourself alone, I hope you enjoy your company.

Until next time.